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How is Patriarchy Stress Disorder Holding Women Back? · Divas That Care Network

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_01: Welcome to Women Leading Change, the podcast that amplifies the voices and missions of women changemakers from around the world.
• 0:17
  SPEAKER_01: My name is Laureen Nolan Card, Women's Leadership Expert.
• 0:21
  SPEAKER_01: And I'm going to share the strategies that women changemakers use to successfully lead in bold new ways that are in alignment with their values and true to themselves.
• 0:33
  SPEAKER_01: Listen weekly as I share personal insights and inspiring interviews with women who are being the change they seek to see.
• 0:39
  SPEAKER_01: So you too can evolve your own leadership skills, grow your own paradigm shifting business and mission and be the change we're all seeking.
• 0:56
  SPEAKER_01: welcome to the podcast i am so excited and honored to bring you this next interview This interview with Dr.
• 1:04
  SPEAKER_01: Valerie Raine was like interviewing a rock star for me.
• 1:08
  SPEAKER_01: Her book, Patriarchy Stress Disorder, has really spoken to me on just about every page.
• 1:16
  SPEAKER_01: It is a book about the stress disorder that is created in women through generational trauma of oppression.
• 1:25
  SPEAKER_01: It is actually, I shouldn't say just women, it is in all people through generational trauma of oppression.
• 1:33
  SPEAKER_01: And patriarchy stress disorder, I recognized myself in it so well.
• 1:40
  SPEAKER_01: And what I love about her book is that it really brings alive what so many of us know to be the truth of our experience in this world.
• 1:53
  SPEAKER_01: She has also created the only science-backed system for helping women achieve their ultimate success, happiness and fulfillment by healing that generational trauma of oppression.
• 2:05
  SPEAKER_01: She's a highly educated woman, and you'll hear me stumble over my words when I introduce her, but let's just say she's very educated.
• 2:14
  SPEAKER_01: She has a master's in education in psychological counseling from Columbia University and a doctorate in psychology from the Institute of Transpersonal Psychology.
• 2:25
  SPEAKER_01: Her best-selling book, Patriarchy Stress Disorder, Its full title is Patriarchy Stress Disorder, the Invisible Inner Barrier to Women's Happiness and Fulfillment.
• 2:39
  SPEAKER_01: And her cutting edge programs have helped thousands of women shift from survival to thriving and master what she calls the inner game of how good can it get.
• 2:49
  SPEAKER_01: I am so thrilled.
• 2:51
  SPEAKER_01: pleased to bring you this interview with Dr.
• 2:54
  SPEAKER_01: Valerie Raine.
• 2:55
  SPEAKER_01: And I should say that she is so warm and open and willing to bring forward some of these difficult conversations.
• 3:05
  SPEAKER_01: I hope you enjoy this interview as much as I did.
• 3:10
  SPEAKER_01: Please leave us your comments, your takeaways, and I look forward to reading them.
• 3:16
  SPEAKER_01: Thanks and enjoy the interview.
• 3:21
  SPEAKER_01: Thank you, Dr.
• 3:22
  SPEAKER_01: Valerie Raine, for being with me today.
• 3:24
  SPEAKER_01: I'm so excited to have you here.
• 3:26
  SPEAKER_01: You're coming to us from Tucson, Arizona.
• 3:30
  SPEAKER_01: Yes, thank you so much for having me, Loree.
• 3:33
  SPEAKER_01: It's such a pleasure to be here.
• 3:35
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, you're so welcome.
• 3:36
  SPEAKER_01: I am so excited
• 3:39
  SPEAKER_00: to talk with you because you've recently written and published a book called Patriarchy Stress Disorder, and you have an E in Sorry, you have a doctorate in psychology.
• 3:53
  SPEAKER_00: That's right.
• 3:55
  SPEAKER_01: And you have a master's in, is it education?
• 3:57
  SPEAKER_01: Yes, it's a master's in education and psychological counseling from Columbia.
• 4:04
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 4:05
  SPEAKER_01: So you really, and you've been practicing for many years.
• 4:09
  SPEAKER_01: That's right.
• 4:10
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 4:11
  SPEAKER_01: And what made you decide to write this book?
• 4:14
  SPEAKER_01: It found me.
• 4:18
  SPEAKER_01: The message found me.
• 4:19
  SPEAKER_01: And the way it happened was in the least expected way.
• 4:25
  SPEAKER_01: I really have been writing this book, as it turns out, from the time I was a little girl.
• 4:32
  SPEAKER_01: I just didn't know it.
• 4:33
  SPEAKER_01: And I was working on this book by asking this question, what's wrong with me?
• 4:39
  SPEAKER_01: What's wrong with me?
• 4:40
  SPEAKER_01: That's really what I wanted to know growing up.
• 4:42
  SPEAKER_01: Why was it that I felt like I'm too much or I'm not enough?
• 4:49
  SPEAKER_01: or that I need to look a certain way and I don't fit in and I'm too smart and it's not allowed, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera.
• 5:02
  SPEAKER_01: So trying to figure out what's wrong with me and how to fix it has taken me on this journey of studying psychology.
• 5:09
  SPEAKER_01: And even before that, I discovered that achievement really helped to escaped that question for a while.
• 5:19
  SPEAKER_01: This achievement gave me those conditional worth chips, which I didn't know they were conditional at that time.
• 5:29
  SPEAKER_01: I just knew when I excelled in school that that felt good and I felt good inside.
• 5:36
  SPEAKER_01: So I just kept on this track and kept on achieving and excelling.
• 5:41
  SPEAKER_01: And then two graduate degrees later, behind my belt and I had a thriving private practice I had a family and home I adored and my life was great my life looked perfect from the outside looking in until one day I was on the phone with a client when I noticed I was smiling only with the right side of my face and And the left side of my face and body went numb.
• 6:14
  SPEAKER_01: And I ended up in the ER with symptoms of a stroke, which thankfully was not a stroke.
• 6:21
  SPEAKER_01: My diagnosis was just stress.
• 6:25
  SPEAKER_01: Wow.
• 6:26
  SPEAKER_01: And that was very surprising for me because I did not feel stressed.
• 6:31
  SPEAKER_01: I was doing the work I loved.
• 6:34
  SPEAKER_01: I have my people, had my people around me.
• 6:39
  SPEAKER_01: And so it led me to start questioning things.
• 6:43
  SPEAKER_01: What's underneath this workaholism?
• 6:46
  SPEAKER_01: What's underneath the security blanket of stress?
• 6:49
  SPEAKER_01: And it turned out a very uncomfortable, inconvenient truth surfaced that underneath it all, I did not feel as happy and fulfilled as I looked on paper.
• 6:59
  SPEAKER_01: It was a painful realization.
• 7:01
  SPEAKER_01: And it led me to dig deeper.
• 7:04
  SPEAKER_01: into the roots of what is it that makes us feel as women that something is wrong with us?
• 7:11
  SPEAKER_01: Where does this even come from?
• 7:13
  SPEAKER_01: You hear this a lot, right?
• 7:16
  SPEAKER_01: You hear this a lot from your clients.
• 7:18
  SPEAKER_01: Absolutely.
• 7:20
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, and that's when, as an answer to my question, my full-bodied, my full-being prayer that I've been carrying within myself my entire life, it came through this research that was coming out at the time that traumatic experiences are genetically transmitted.
• 7:42
  SPEAKER_01: And that's what connected the dots for me.
• 7:47
  SPEAKER_01: Women have been oppressed for thousands of years.
• 7:50
  SPEAKER_01: Trauma or rather oppression is traumatic and trauma is genetically transmitted.
• 7:57
  SPEAKER_01: So for us, To be experiencing what we experience, that self-doubt or holding ourselves back or not feeling joyful or not feeling in touch with our sexuality or being able to intimately, emotionally connect with our partner, trouble with visibility, trouble receiving praise, money for our gifts, etc., it all has the same root.
• 8:24
  SPEAKER_01: It all has the same root of intergenerational trauma.
• 8:29
  SPEAKER_01: And this discovery changed everything for me.
• 8:33
  SPEAKER_01: I termed this condition, this generational collective trauma, patriarchy, stress disorder, or PSD.
• 8:41
  SPEAKER_01: And it really explained why that question of what's wrong with me has been a defining question of my life and so many other women I know.
• 8:53
  SPEAKER_01: And that the answer is nothing.
• 8:55
  SPEAKER_01: The answer is there is nothing wrong with us.
• 8:59
  SPEAKER_01: And there is this trauma that we carry that we can heal so that we can actually have the life designed by our desires, not just on paper, but deeply lived and felt and fully savored.
• 9:18
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, it is such a good book.
• 9:21
  SPEAKER_01: And the, I mean, there's a couple of books in my lifetime that I've read.
• 9:26
  SPEAKER_01: And I every paragraph is a deep Yes.
• 9:30
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, my God.
• 9:30
  SPEAKER_01: Yes.
• 9:31
  SPEAKER_01: Yes.
• 9:32
  SPEAKER_01: One was Maureen Murdoch's The Heroine's Journey.
• 9:35
  SPEAKER_01: If you've read that, it is so enlightening about why we do what we do as women in patriarchy, as daughters of the patriarchy.
• 9:46
  SPEAKER_01: And And your book, which every turn, every page is telling my story and the stories of the women around me.
• 9:57
  SPEAKER_01: And that story is that even if we haven't had trauma directly in our own lives, and so many people do have very difficult traumas that they have experienced, that even for those of us that haven't, there is a layer underneath the good life Yes.
• 10:16
  SPEAKER_01: That may be related to epigenetic trauma because we are the survivors of women who were burned at the stake for speaking out or trying to treat people in different ways.
• 10:32
  SPEAKER_01: We're told to be quiet and not be seen, not be heard.
• 10:38
  SPEAKER_01: All of that is a throwback and
• 10:42
  SPEAKER_00: it's related to what our mothers and our grandmothers and our ancestors experienced
• 10:47
  SPEAKER_01: and
• 10:48
  SPEAKER_00: that
• 10:48
  SPEAKER_01: we still continue to experience now.
• 10:50
  SPEAKER_01: Yes.
• 10:51
  SPEAKER_01: Can you relate how exactly that runs through ancestral lines and how that affects us in the now?
• 11:00
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, what you've already named are some big ones, some big historical events The facts that we're familiar with, yes, women who reached for their power were severely punished.
• 11:18
  SPEAKER_01: And now the ways of punishment or prohibition are way more subtle, and yet they're there.
• 11:26
  SPEAKER_01: And we all know they're there.
• 11:31
  SPEAKER_01: And it's interesting, even if we're not consciously always aware, our bodies know.
• 11:37
  SPEAKER_01: We track it.
• 11:38
  SPEAKER_01: Our subconscious tracks it.
• 11:40
  SPEAKER_01: And that's one thing, right?
• 11:42
  SPEAKER_01: It's subconscious.
• 11:43
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 11:44
  SPEAKER_01: And 95% of our decisions are made by our subconscious mind.
• 11:49
  SPEAKER_01: Is that right?
• 11:52
  SPEAKER_01: It's very interesting what we're finding out from neuroscience now.
• 11:55
  SPEAKER_01: There are some neuroscientists that flat out say all our actions are decided in our subconscious.
• 12:04
  SPEAKER_01: And it's fascinating that our conscious mind may have a very different agenda.
• 12:12
  SPEAKER_01: Consciously, we may be really confident we may consciously know our worth however if we look at the circumstances of our lives if we consider that maybe we have a say in our in our circumstances yeah our choices yes and what those choices are driven by if we're willing to take an honest look and consider that they may be driven by our subconscious as neuroscience is now pointing us toward that cancer, then the picture changes.
• 12:50
  SPEAKER_01: It's no longer, oh my gosh, I am at the mercy of these circumstances.
• 12:54
  SPEAKER_01: It's, oh wow, it's not interesting.
• 12:57
  SPEAKER_01: Consciously, I know my worth and yet I'm underpaid and I'm living paycheck to paycheck.
• 13:03
  SPEAKER_01: Consciously, I think I have a lot to offer, but here I am in a relationship that does not give me that nourishment and love and fulfillment back that I know I have within myself.
• 13:18
  SPEAKER_01: I know I am, you know, I feel good about myself.
• 13:23
  SPEAKER_01: I maybe even love myself.
• 13:25
  SPEAKER_01: But every time I look in the mirror, I have these critical thoughts.
• 13:29
  SPEAKER_01: Look at these wrinkles.
• 13:31
  SPEAKER_01: Look at this, like nothing looks good.
• 13:33
  SPEAKER_01: Do I need to lose 10 pounds?
• 13:36
  SPEAKER_01: And it's torturous and it's constant, right?
• 13:39
  SPEAKER_01: It's constantly on the inner critic.
• 13:42
  SPEAKER_01: And the truth is, if we...
• 13:45
  SPEAKER_01: take a look at why all of those things are there in the subconscious.
• 13:51
  SPEAKER_01: There is a simple explanation.
• 13:52
  SPEAKER_01: They're actually holding us back.
• 13:55
  SPEAKER_01: They're serving as protective mechanisms to keep us from stepping into our power because it's always been a punishable offense.
• 14:04
  SPEAKER_01: There is a study you asked me about how exactly that runs through our genetic lines.
• 14:11
  SPEAKER_01: This study shows it so eloquently, and it's the study that has to do, it's in the book, it has to do with mice and cherry blossoms.
• 14:20
  SPEAKER_01: Researchers introduced the smell of cherry blossoms to mice while simultaneously zapping their feet with mild electric shocks.
• 14:29
  SPEAKER_01: The mice were then bred, and their children and their grandchildren, when exposed to the smell of cherry blossoms, showed a strong reaction.
• 14:40
  SPEAKER_01: fear and anxiety reaction and when the researchers saw that these experiences had been genetically transmitted that really was a game changer so considering what are cherry blossoms in our lives Right now.
• 14:59
  SPEAKER_01: It's everything that we desire that historically has never been allowed.
• 15:05
  SPEAKER_01: We have never been allowed to love who we love.
• 15:09
  SPEAKER_01: We didn't have ownership of our bodies.
• 15:11
  SPEAKER_01: We didn't have ownership of our own money.
• 15:13
  SPEAKER_01: For women who are entering into entrepreneurship or are already entrepreneurs, it might be helpful to remember that up until 1988, a woman in the U.S., could not take out a business loan in her name.
• 15:31
  SPEAKER_01: Incredible.
• 15:32
  SPEAKER_01: 1988, without a male relative co-signer.
• 15:37
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 15:37
  SPEAKER_01: And then we're wondering, oh, I need some money mindset work.
• 15:43
  SPEAKER_01: I have trouble with money.
• 15:46
  SPEAKER_01: Well, it's not just you.
• 15:48
  SPEAKER_01: It's collective.
• 15:50
  SPEAKER_01: And I hope that what I'm sharing today will help you see that it's not just your thoughts.
• 15:58
  SPEAKER_01: The thoughts are the tip of the iceberg that sometimes we're aware of, sometimes we're not.
• 16:03
  SPEAKER_01: The circumstances is also the tip of the iceberg sometimes we're aware of.
• 16:09
  SPEAKER_01: maybe more readily, so that, oh my gosh, I'm under-earning.
• 16:14
  SPEAKER_01: What's up with that?
• 16:15
  SPEAKER_01: And if we're willing to look deeper and encounter layers of collective and ancestral trauma, there is some personal trauma in the mix likely as well, then this is the path to liberation because then we have leverage to heal what actually needs healing, not to fix things and use temporary measures, right?
• 16:39
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 16:40
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 16:41
  SPEAKER_01: And even if you see a pattern, especially it's probably a good tip off, right?
• 16:46
  SPEAKER_01: Because if you try to, oh yes, I've done the mindset work and now I'm going to move forward and I'm going to start doing this and this is going to be my action step.
• 16:56
  SPEAKER_01: And then so many of us run into like procrastination or distraction or...
• 17:04
  SPEAKER_01: you know, anything, any other, forgetting what we want to say, like, you know, like anything can get in the way.
• 17:10
  SPEAKER_01: And, and we continue that pattern over again because there's still these obstacles because what's underneath the mindset, the conscious mind is mindset.
• 17:21
  SPEAKER_01: And underneath that is our, our, survival mechanisms attempting to keep us safe, right?
• 17:27
  SPEAKER_01: Because that's what their job has been.
• 17:28
  SPEAKER_01: And you call them the prison guards in your book.
• 17:32
  SPEAKER_01: And you talk about turning them from being prison guards because that's their job is to keep us safe.
• 17:37
  SPEAKER_01: Because
• 17:37
  SPEAKER_00: over hundreds, thousands of years, we have
• 17:40
  SPEAKER_01: been in oppression and we carry that with us.
• 17:46
  SPEAKER_01: And so the prison guards keep us safe because that's their job.
• 17:50
  SPEAKER_01: And so you talk about turning them into bodyguards.
• 17:55
  SPEAKER_01: Yes.
• 17:56
  SPEAKER_01: Giving them a new job.
• 17:59
  SPEAKER_01: So can you talk about that a little bit about that process?
• 18:01
  SPEAKER_01: I know you can't All of it.
• 18:03
  SPEAKER_01: You have a program and we can
• 18:05
  SPEAKER_00: access some of your resources online at drvalerie.com,
• 18:10
  SPEAKER_01: right?
• 18:11
  SPEAKER_01: Yes, absolutely.
• 18:12
  SPEAKER_01: And you have a program running now that introduces much more of your work and working with you.
• 18:18
  SPEAKER_01: But can you tell us just a little bit about what the first steps might be to working towards turning those survival mechanisms into thriving programs?
• 18:28
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 18:32
  SPEAKER_01: That's a great question, Maureen.
• 18:33
  SPEAKER_01: And I want to invite our listeners right now to actually use this opportunity to observe how the prison guards maybe show up right now.
• 18:46
  SPEAKER_01: And that is one of the first steps in my system.
• 18:50
  SPEAKER_01: The very first step we're already kind of in the middle of.
• 18:55
  SPEAKER_01: Okay.
• 18:55
  SPEAKER_01: This is the step of that I call waking up in prison.
• 18:58
  SPEAKER_01: We're learning to see these layers of personal, collective, and inherited trauma, how they're showing up in our lives, how they're robbing us of the fullness of our happiness, fulfillment, our ultimate success.
• 19:12
  SPEAKER_01: And then we meet the prison guards and they show up in the mind, they show up in the body, and they show up in our actions or choices.
• 19:21
  SPEAKER_01: So for our listeners today, please join us in this unpacking so that it's immediately useful to you right now.
• 19:30
  SPEAKER_01: Thank you.
• 19:30
  SPEAKER_01: And then, yeah, and then I'll comment on the follow-up because that will also deepen that awareness.
• 19:38
  SPEAKER_01: Wonderful.
• 19:40
  SPEAKER_01: So let's just begin with acknowledging that, as you already said, Lorraine, prison guards are there to keep us safe.
• 19:48
  SPEAKER_01: Unfortunately, the only way they know how to keep us safe is by keeping us in fight, flight, freeze nervous system reactions.
• 19:57
  SPEAKER_01: And then that shows up in certain thoughts, in certain actions, and in certain ways that we feel.
• 20:03
  SPEAKER_01: Evolving them to become our bodyguards involves retraining our nervous system to create this deep safety.
• 20:13
  SPEAKER_01: So there is no need for the guards anymore, for the prison guards.
• 20:17
  SPEAKER_01: So then the protective mechanisms, our biological protective mechanisms can actually act on our behalf and keep us safe as we move toward our desires.
• 20:29
  SPEAKER_01: So...
• 20:31
  SPEAKER_01: Let me call out a few and perhaps our listeners can also say hi to theirs.
• 20:38
  SPEAKER_01: That's what I recommend.
• 20:39
  SPEAKER_01: Instead of vilifying them, instead of fighting them, instead of trying to get rid of them, that's not going to happen.
• 20:45
  SPEAKER_01: It's not a good idea.
• 20:46
  SPEAKER_01: What we resist persists, especially if it's our innate biological mechanism that's trying to keep us safe.
• 20:54
  SPEAKER_01: Safety first.
• 20:55
  SPEAKER_01: Instead, say hi to them.
• 20:56
  SPEAKER_01: Say thank you for keeping me safe.
• 20:59
  SPEAKER_01: And there is a tool that I will also share with you that will help to interrupt their activity.
• 21:09
  SPEAKER_01: Okay.
• 21:11
  SPEAKER_01: I call it the repower tool.
• 21:12
  SPEAKER_01: I'll circle back to that.
• 21:14
  SPEAKER_01: So for now, saying hi to the prison guards in the mind that are maybe saying, oh, you know, it won't work for you, or you're too old to start something new, or you're too young, what do you know?
• 21:30
  SPEAKER_01: Who would want to listen to you?
• 21:32
  SPEAKER_01: Everything has been done before.
• 21:35
  SPEAKER_01: You've failed before.
• 21:38
  SPEAKER_01: They may be reminding you of all your quote-unquote failures and disappointments and heartbreaks.
• 21:44
  SPEAKER_01: And this applies in every area of life.
• 21:46
  SPEAKER_01: It's as applicable to a new diet and exercise program as it's applicable to a business venture as personal life.
• 21:57
  SPEAKER_01: Same, same.
• 21:59
  SPEAKER_01: Same prison guards that you can recognize by the end result.
• 22:04
  SPEAKER_01: Is this being sabotaged?
• 22:06
  SPEAKER_01: Am I not moving forward?
• 22:08
  SPEAKER_01: Chances are.
• 22:10
  SPEAKER_01: What...
• 22:18
  SPEAKER_01: you have more confidence in the way that you look and feel.
• 22:22
  SPEAKER_01: And you exude that confidence and that sexuality and that feeling comfortable in your own skin.
• 22:30
  SPEAKER_01: What if that makes you feel deeply unsafe?
• 22:34
  SPEAKER_01: For most women, that's the experience that we run into with these things that have to do with helping us step into our embodied physical wellness.
• 22:47
  SPEAKER_01: And it's not our fault.
• 22:49
  SPEAKER_01: Objectively, it's never been a safe experience being a woman.
• 22:53
  SPEAKER_01: We've all had experiences of being objectified.
• 22:56
  SPEAKER_01: It's something to recognize that it's not our fault.
• 23:03
  SPEAKER_01: It's not our failure.
• 23:05
  SPEAKER_01: It's not a personality flaw that, oh my gosh, every time I start, I stop.
• 23:11
  SPEAKER_01: I self-sabotage.
• 23:12
  SPEAKER_01: It's the prison guards.
• 23:14
  SPEAKER_01: You are not doing this.
• 23:16
  SPEAKER_01: And the guards that are telling you, oh, the in the critic, right?
• 23:21
  SPEAKER_01: Or the imposter syndrome.
• 23:24
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, you're going to get found out that you really are not all that.
• 23:30
  SPEAKER_01: And the fear of failure, fear of success.
• 23:34
  SPEAKER_01: There are so many stories.
• 23:36
  SPEAKER_01: Stories from, I don't have time for this.
• 23:39
  SPEAKER_01: This is not a priority.
• 23:40
  SPEAKER_01: Or my kids need me.
• 23:43
  SPEAKER_01: Or my husband needs me more.
• 23:45
  SPEAKER_01: Who do you think you are?
• 23:47
  SPEAKER_01: Who do you think you are?
• 23:48
  SPEAKER_01: So many people in the world and worse position than you.
• 23:53
  SPEAKER_01: Just do some charity work and be grateful for your life.
• 23:56
  SPEAKER_01: Why aren't you grateful?
• 23:57
  SPEAKER_01: Oprah told you to keep a gratitude journal.
• 24:00
  SPEAKER_01: That should be good for you.
• 24:01
  SPEAKER_01: Are you being really good?
• 24:03
  SPEAKER_01: It's good enough, right?
• 24:05
  SPEAKER_01: It's good enough.
• 24:06
  SPEAKER_01: Good enough.
• 24:06
  SPEAKER_01: And that is a major collective prison guard.
• 24:10
  SPEAKER_01: I'm so glad you brought it up, Lorene.
• 24:11
  SPEAKER_01: This is a huge collective prison guard that it's good enough.
• 24:15
  SPEAKER_01: Don't ask for more.
• 24:16
  SPEAKER_01: Don't tempt fate.
• 24:19
  SPEAKER_01: Your life is good.
• 24:20
  SPEAKER_01: Not rock the boat.
• 24:24
  SPEAKER_01: So many dreams, so many desires are buried under this weight.
• 24:32
  SPEAKER_01: And I just want to say, This is actually something that I start my programs with.
• 24:38
  SPEAKER_01: One of the first tools, first ways of exploration that I start my students on is connecting with their authentic desires.
• 24:49
  SPEAKER_01: And what that exploration brings us face-to-face with is our prison guards.
• 24:55
  SPEAKER_01: Because a woman's desire is something that's protected so, so, so...
• 25:03
  SPEAKER_01: by layers of security because there's nothing more dangerous.
• 25:08
  SPEAKER_01: There is nothing more dangerous to the patriarchal status quo than a woman who is in touch with her desire.
• 25:15
  SPEAKER_01: Nothing, nothing at all.
• 25:18
  SPEAKER_01: And so I oftentimes start working with a woman and her desires are so modest, right?
• 25:24
  SPEAKER_01: So modest.
• 25:25
  SPEAKER_01: Like, yeah, I want to meet a man What do you desire in a man?
• 25:29
  SPEAKER_01: Well, I want him to be available and I want him to have a job.
• 25:34
  SPEAKER_01: And you know what?
• 25:38
  SPEAKER_01: We get exactly what we...
• 25:39
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, if we set the bar low, that's exactly what we're going to get.
• 25:44
  SPEAKER_01: And for us to raise that bar, it really does take deeper healing.
• 25:50
  SPEAKER_01: And that deeper healing begins...
• 25:53
  SPEAKER_01: With daring, daring.
• 25:55
  SPEAKER_01: I want to say that everybody who's listening right now, thank you for daring.
• 25:59
  SPEAKER_01: You are daring to open up to the possibility that maybe life can be different.
• 26:06
  SPEAKER_01: Maybe your life can be easier, more joyful, with less struggle, with more love, with more mind.
• 26:14
  SPEAKER_01: Maybe we don't have proof of that, but you're allowing for that hypothesis.
• 26:18
  SPEAKER_01: That's good for you.
• 26:20
  SPEAKER_01: And then the next steps could be, okay, let me play with the desire practice.
• 26:24
  SPEAKER_01: I have it for download on my website.
• 26:26
  SPEAKER_01: By the way, it comes with the book resources.
• 26:29
  SPEAKER_01: Yes.
• 26:30
  SPEAKER_01: And that's at drvalerie.com forward slash book dash resources.
• 26:35
  SPEAKER_01: And there is another practice that helps you in that exploration that helps to create embodied safety.
• 26:43
  SPEAKER_01: When the prison guards are acting up, acting up, I call it a repower tool.
• 26:47
  SPEAKER_01: That's also on my website in the same place.
• 26:51
  SPEAKER_01: And this is something that I'm just going to put it out there as part of sharing value right now.
• 26:59
  SPEAKER_01: The moment this interview ends, the moment you stop listening to us talking here, the moment this connection is interrupted, the prison guards will take over.
• 27:11
  SPEAKER_01: They will create a fog of forgetfulness.
• 27:14
  SPEAKER_01: They will create distractions.
• 27:16
  SPEAKER_01: They will create a myriad of other priorities because the last thing they want is for you to get deeper into this awareness and And God forbid, get on the path of liberation.
• 27:29
  SPEAKER_01: So while you're listening to us, keep this door open, even if it's a centimeter, if it's a quarter of an inch.
• 27:40
  SPEAKER_01: Head on over to drvalerie.com.
• 27:42
  SPEAKER_01: Download the resources.
• 27:44
  SPEAKER_01: That will also connect us.
• 27:46
  SPEAKER_01: You will be on my mailing list.
• 27:47
  SPEAKER_01: If you don't like it, unsubscribe at any time.
• 27:50
  SPEAKER_00: But
• 27:51
  SPEAKER_01: get...
• 27:52
  SPEAKER_01: into the flow of that possibility.
• 27:55
  SPEAKER_01: Don't let that door close.
• 27:57
  SPEAKER_01: This is my invitation to every woman who...
• 28:05
  SPEAKER_01: Another thing I just want to say, this is such a collective situation we're up against and the entire culture lulls us into this complacency.
• 28:16
  SPEAKER_01: And for us to...
• 28:18
  SPEAKER_01: break out of that.
• 28:19
  SPEAKER_01: We need to swim upstream.
• 28:21
  SPEAKER_01: So that's why I have my programs.
• 28:24
  SPEAKER_01: I have a Facebook group as well.
• 28:26
  SPEAKER_01: I'm constantly creating opportunities for women to be connected on this upstream journey because we can only break out of this collective trauma collectively.
• 28:38
  SPEAKER_01: This is not a do-it-yourself project.
• 28:41
  SPEAKER_01: The book will give you a lot of awareness, but it will not set you free.
• 28:46
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 28:48
  SPEAKER_01: Just setting the expectation here accordingly.
• 29:18
  SPEAKER_01: possible and having our desires I need a lot of women who I asked them what they want and they don't know yeah like they say I don't know so is I don't know a part of what the prison guards have given us to protect exactly exactly well think about it this way it's never been even possible for a woman to get her needs met, let alone her desires.
• 29:46
  SPEAKER_01: So how painful is it to be in touch with our desires or even ask for what we truly need and always get a no or even be punished for who do you think you are?
• 29:59
  SPEAKER_01: I literally once worked with a client who said, It was like every time my boyfriend asks me, what would you like to order from a menu?
• 30:08
  SPEAKER_01: I always say, I don't know.
• 30:10
  SPEAKER_01: I always defer to him.
• 30:11
  SPEAKER_01: And it was such a big, it seems like such a small, trivial thing.
• 30:15
  SPEAKER_01: What does it matter?
• 30:16
  SPEAKER_01: It matters.
• 30:17
  SPEAKER_01: It's everything.
• 30:19
  SPEAKER_01: She couldn't even allow herself to connect with the very basic desire, like, do I want this?
• 30:26
  SPEAKER_01: dumplings or a salad or a shake or fried rice.
• 30:34
  SPEAKER_01: I don't know.
• 30:35
  SPEAKER_01: There was nothing.
• 30:36
  SPEAKER_01: It wasn't registering for her.
• 30:38
  SPEAKER_01: And you know what?
• 30:40
  SPEAKER_01: We may laugh about it like, oh yeah, I know what I want off the menu.
• 30:43
  SPEAKER_01: But when you look at some other areas of your life and you start connecting with your desire, what about your desire for your work in the world?
• 30:50
  SPEAKER_01: What about your desire for your relationship?
• 30:52
  SPEAKER_01: You'll find the prison cards So if you use that practice that I've recorded for you, the desire practice that you can download, you will meet the prison guards.
• 31:02
  SPEAKER_01: And I hope that you'll say hi to them.
• 31:04
  SPEAKER_01: You'll say, thank you for keeping me safe.
• 31:07
  SPEAKER_01: You can use the repower tool to get back into your body.
• 31:11
  SPEAKER_01: And you will see how well protected the desires are.
• 31:16
  SPEAKER_01: And if we are not even aware of what we want, how can we create lives of, yes, success, happiness, fulfillment, and not only for ourselves, how can we pass this along to our children?
• 31:33
  SPEAKER_01: Or for those who are serving other people, how can you role model this for your clients, for those people you serve?
• 31:41
  SPEAKER_01: It's not possible.
• 31:43
  SPEAKER_01: And what we know from epigenetics that's very exciting is that not only trauma is genetically transmitted, but also healing is also genetically transmitted.
• 31:54
  SPEAKER_01: And for those of us who already have children, like, oh, shoot, that should have sailed.
• 32:00
  SPEAKER_01: No.
• 32:00
  SPEAKER_01: No.
• 32:00
  SPEAKER_01: It so hasn't sailed.
• 32:03
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, good.
• 32:04
  SPEAKER_01: I started doing this work when my daughter, I already had my daughter, and she was already getting indoctrinated by kindergarten.
• 32:13
  SPEAKER_01: And she always went to like progressive schools and kindergartens.
• 32:17
  SPEAKER_01: But it doesn't matter.
• 32:18
  SPEAKER_01: Like she was still soaking up.
• 32:21
  SPEAKER_01: the patriarchal conditioning, and I already was seeing insecurities in her, even as a little girl, holding back.
• 32:30
  SPEAKER_01: The more I'm doing this work, the more I am embodying my worth, my value, my voice, so is she.
• 32:42
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, that's wonderful.
• 32:42
  SPEAKER_01: So she's a perfect mirror and she is my reason for doing that because I want every woman on planet earth to be my daughter's role model.
• 32:52
  SPEAKER_01: Absolutely.
• 32:53
  SPEAKER_00: Yes.
• 32:54
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, that's so good.
• 32:55
  SPEAKER_00: I'm so glad to know that.
• 32:59
  SPEAKER_01: Yes.
• 33:01
  SPEAKER_01: We are healing.
• 33:02
  SPEAKER_01: We have a lot of leverage.
• 33:03
  SPEAKER_01: We are healing every day.
• 33:04
  SPEAKER_01: I continue my healing journey every day.
• 33:06
  SPEAKER_01: There's always more to heal.
• 33:08
  SPEAKER_01: And for those who haven't had children yet, what I have thought of this, what a beautiful gift to your future children to do this work now, whether it's personal trauma or ancestral trauma, to do this work now so that you're not passing that on.
• 33:27
  SPEAKER_01: It's an incredible gift.
• 33:29
  SPEAKER_01: This is how we change the world.
• 33:31
  SPEAKER_01: And I get goosebumps.
• 33:32
  SPEAKER_01: This is truly not in theory.
• 33:35
  SPEAKER_01: We've all heard this beautiful quote by Gandhi be the change you want to see in the world this is the actual how to be the change you don't just be the change when you're in the invisible in the prison and then in theory you kind of know what you want kind of But in practice, you're feeling held back and your life does not reflect your deepest values.
• 34:02
  SPEAKER_01: Your life does not reflect what you're truly capable of.
• 34:05
  SPEAKER_01: And that's so tragic.
• 34:07
  SPEAKER_01: And our world deserves better.
• 34:10
  SPEAKER_01: Imagine when every woman taps into her potential.
• 34:15
  SPEAKER_01: We will not have any problem unsolved in the world.
• 34:21
  SPEAKER_01: It'll be a different world.
• 34:22
  SPEAKER_01: And not only us tapping into our potential, but us coming together because what is separating us, it's the same PSD because PSD shrouds us in shame.
• 34:32
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 34:32
  SPEAKER_01: Like I'm not okay.
• 34:34
  SPEAKER_01: She is not okay.
• 34:35
  SPEAKER_01: She thinks she is not okay.
• 34:36
  SPEAKER_01: She thinks I'm not okay.
• 34:37
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 34:38
  SPEAKER_01: Because PSD.
• 34:40
  SPEAKER_01: So when we heal that, we also discover the power of sisterhood, which is a huge reclamation for all of us.
• 34:47
  SPEAKER_01: So good.
• 34:48
  SPEAKER_01: Yes.
• 34:49
  SPEAKER_01: That distrust of other people, of other women.
• 34:52
  SPEAKER_01: I'm, I hear that so often.
• 34:53
  SPEAKER_01: Why do we have this sister wound?
• 34:56
  SPEAKER_01: And it heals all of that.
• 35:00
  SPEAKER_01: It heals mistrust with yourself, mistrust with ability to handle things.
• 35:06
  SPEAKER_01: All of it is really healed by doing this work.
• 35:11
  SPEAKER_01: One thing that struck me so strongly was your question,
• 35:16
  SPEAKER_00: what am I tolerating?
• 35:19
  SPEAKER_00: So can you talk a little bit more about that?
• 35:22
  SPEAKER_00: And how that has fleshed out
• 35:26
  SPEAKER_01: for you.
• 35:27
  SPEAKER_01: That question, I'm pretty sure I got it from another woman's empowerment program.
• 35:34
  SPEAKER_01: Is that Regina Thomas-Hour?
• 35:37
  SPEAKER_01: It might have been Regina's programs.
• 35:40
  SPEAKER_01: She's also known as Mama Gina.
• 35:42
  SPEAKER_01: It might have been from Ellie Brown's workshops.
• 35:48
  SPEAKER_01: She's also one of my mentors, a beautiful woman entrepreneur and leader in this space.
• 35:57
  SPEAKER_01: I've been blessed with amazing mentors and I truly would not this book would have never happened if not for every mentor who saw my bigness and saw it before I could see it and held the energetics of that vision and made me feel safe to step into it.
• 36:17
  SPEAKER_01: And this is something that I now happily am doing for my clients and my clients and my programs are doing that for each other and for their clients and for their children.
• 36:28
  SPEAKER_01: So this is how we really create this change in the world.
• 36:32
  SPEAKER_01: So tolerating, gosh, that was such a disruptive question.
• 36:36
  SPEAKER_01: What are you tolerating?
• 36:38
  SPEAKER_01: And when you start looking at things, like Regina gave us, Mama Gina gave us an assignment to go through our underwear drawer, our sock drawer.
• 36:53
  SPEAKER_01: Just go through and see what gives you pleasure.
• 36:55
  SPEAKER_01: That was before Marie Kondo came out with her joy-based work.
• 37:02
  SPEAKER_01: And there is a reason why this is in the cultural messaging right now.
• 37:07
  SPEAKER_01: We need to awaken to joy and pleasure as our North stars.
• 37:11
  SPEAKER_01: Otherwise we're in bondage all our lives.
• 37:15
  SPEAKER_01: So for me that it changed my life completely.
• 37:19
  SPEAKER_01: First of all, realizing that, Oh my gosh, like I not only don't, I don't love 90% of what's in my sock drawer.
• 37:28
  SPEAKER_01: I actually like actively dislike them.
• 37:29
  SPEAKER_01: And yet I keep them.
• 37:31
  SPEAKER_01: And some of them I even wear because my, Conditioning to tolerate is so deep, so deep.
• 37:39
  SPEAKER_01: And what else am I tolerating in my life, right?
• 37:43
  SPEAKER_01: At the time, I was running a full-time private practice in New York.
• 37:47
  SPEAKER_01: I would have, Maureen, 14-hour workdays, 14 hours.
• 37:51
  SPEAKER_01: And it's not workdays even of like writing or being creative.
• 37:56
  SPEAKER_01: It's back-to-back clients.
• 37:58
  SPEAKER_01: Wow.
• 37:59
  SPEAKER_01: 45 minutes at a clip.
• 38:03
  SPEAKER_01: I wouldn't even schedule bathroom breaks.
• 38:06
  SPEAKER_01: I would literally, right?
• 38:08
  SPEAKER_01: And for women listening, like who here hasn't, isn't a stranger to holding it, right?
• 38:17
  SPEAKER_01: Till whenever, right?
• 38:18
  SPEAKER_01: Till every, the sandwiches are made for the kids and I don't know what else, phone calls are answered and then maybe you go to the bathroom as an afterthought.
• 38:28
  SPEAKER_01: That's actually amazing.
• 38:29
  SPEAKER_01: Or eating while you're driving or eating over your desk.
• 38:36
  SPEAKER_01: All of it, right?
• 38:37
  SPEAKER_01: We deny ourselves these very basic, very basic privileges that we actually can enjoy.
• 38:45
  SPEAKER_01: And by doing that, first of all, nobody benefits.
• 38:49
  SPEAKER_01: And second of all, it's like we're keeping ourselves in this tight space tie a box and I call it the game of how much can I bear that we've inherited our mother's sacrifice our grandmother's sacrifice and to time and memorial all women in our lineage Sacrifice.
• 39:12
  SPEAKER_01: We're sacrificing.
• 39:13
  SPEAKER_01: Who is it good for?
• 39:14
  SPEAKER_01: Is it good for our kids?
• 39:15
  SPEAKER_01: I don't think so.
• 39:18
  SPEAKER_01: My mother sacrificing was not good for me.
• 39:22
  SPEAKER_01: I'm very clear on that.
• 39:23
  SPEAKER_01: All my clients, so just recognizing, oh my gosh, this is what I'm doing.
• 39:27
  SPEAKER_01: This is what I'm tolerating.
• 39:29
  SPEAKER_01: And having so much compassion, so much understanding, it's not great.
• 39:35
  SPEAKER_01: It's this thing.
• 39:36
  SPEAKER_01: It's this PSD, getting into the flow of this work, finding out more, getting the book, getting the tools, getting into a free Facebook, getting into a membership program.
• 39:48
  SPEAKER_01: These are all things that will actually open the door for you.
• 39:53
  SPEAKER_01: And not only for you, but for the world.
• 39:57
  SPEAKER_01: Sometimes women wouldn't do it for ourselves.
• 39:59
  SPEAKER_01: I'm not kidding myself, right?
• 40:02
  SPEAKER_01: Because we're not important enough.
• 40:03
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 40:04
  SPEAKER_00: But we do it for ourselves.
• 40:05
  SPEAKER_01: But we'll do it for our children.
• 40:06
  SPEAKER_01: We'll do it maybe for our relationship.
• 40:08
  SPEAKER_01: Maybe we'll do it for the world.
• 40:10
  SPEAKER_01: So I am appealing to women who carry this vision, a different vision for the world.
• 40:16
  SPEAKER_01: Be the change that you want to see.
• 40:19
  SPEAKER_01: And the change is from survival to thriving.
• 40:22
  SPEAKER_01: The change is in ditching the game of how much can I bear and mastering the game of how good can it get.
• 40:31
  SPEAKER_01: I love that.
• 40:32
  SPEAKER_01: That is a good question.
• 40:33
  SPEAKER_01: How good can it get?
• 40:34
  SPEAKER_01: It reminds me of the upper limit problem, you know?
• 40:38
  SPEAKER_01: So upper limit being, you know, how the suggestion of asking, how can I be 10% more of something in a day?
• 40:49
  SPEAKER_01: And so, yeah, how good can it get?
• 40:52
  SPEAKER_01: And that's still in
• 40:53
  SPEAKER_00: the conscious mind, right?
• 40:55
  SPEAKER_00: So we still need to do the work underneath.
• 40:57
  SPEAKER_00: And so there are still these subconscious things body held
• 41:04
  SPEAKER_01: conditioning that we need to move through.
• 41:07
  SPEAKER_01: So we do that.
• 41:10
  SPEAKER_01: How do we do that?
• 41:12
  SPEAKER_01: What are some of the first things you would tell somebody who says, okay, I get it.
• 41:17
  SPEAKER_01: I've been conditioned the patriarchy.
• 41:20
  SPEAKER_01: And by the way, I want to come to this first before I go into this question.
• 41:26
  SPEAKER_01: Patriarchy is not men.
• 41:27
  SPEAKER_01: Yes.
• 41:28
  SPEAKER_01: Men are not all patriarchal.
• 41:31
  SPEAKER_01: Yes.
• 41:31
  SPEAKER_01: It is a word that
• 41:33
  SPEAKER_00: describes the system in which we are all conditioned,
• 41:35
  SPEAKER_01: right?
• 41:36
  SPEAKER_01: Absolutely.
• 41:37
  SPEAKER_01: Thank you for bringing this up.
• 41:38
  SPEAKER_01: It is a system of oppression and inequality that's been in existence for over 10,000 years.
• 41:44
  SPEAKER_01: And yes, it benefits men.
• 41:48
  SPEAKER_01: However, it also harms men and it harms women and people across the gender spectrum, non-binary folks.
• 41:56
  SPEAKER_01: The system doesn't discriminate in the way that it harms everyone.
• 42:03
  UNKNOWN: Yeah.
• 42:03
  SPEAKER_01: And it does so by not allowing authentic expression to anyone.
• 42:08
  SPEAKER_01: Men are not allowed to be their authentic selves either.
• 42:11
  SPEAKER_01: There's only one man, one kind of a two-dimensional cutout of a man that's the patriarchal ideal, the strong, silent type who shows no emotions, feels no emotions, who is competitive and driven and is just like, there's almost like a caricature of a macho archetype.
• 42:33
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 42:33
  SPEAKER_01: And men are complex beings.
• 42:37
  SPEAKER_01: We're all complex human beings.
• 42:39
  SPEAKER_01: We're all beautiful.
• 42:41
  SPEAKER_01: We all have a full spectrum of humanity.
• 42:44
  SPEAKER_01: And I'm saying it also for women listening to understand that a lot of friction in our relationships is because both parties have unprocessed trauma.
• 42:56
  SPEAKER_01: Some of it is collective and inherited.
• 42:58
  SPEAKER_01: A lot of it is.
• 43:00
  SPEAKER_01: Some is something that we've experienced.
• 43:02
  SPEAKER_01: But if you're human you have trauma by which I mean any experience that made you feel unsafe physically or emotionally and then created those defenses and in relationships they show up as resentment as anger and arguments of stonewalling lack of intimacy a lot of suffering yeah and it can be so much better right thank you so um yeah, I was going to ask you, so what are the kind of first ways that we would move from the, from the, how much can I bear to how good can it get?
• 43:43
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 43:43
  SPEAKER_01: So delicious.
• 43:45
  SPEAKER_01: It really is the prison guard work.
• 43:51
  SPEAKER_01: They're so insidious.
• 43:52
  SPEAKER_01: They're hiding in plain sight.
• 43:55
  SPEAKER_01: We identify with them.
• 43:56
  SPEAKER_01: We mistake them for reality.
• 43:58
  SPEAKER_01: We think it's the truth.
• 44:00
  SPEAKER_01: We think something.
• 44:01
  SPEAKER_01: We believe it.
• 44:02
  SPEAKER_01: They also show up in how we feel physically.
• 44:06
  SPEAKER_01: They show up in the choices that we make.
• 44:09
  SPEAKER_01: And it's so easy to think, oh, it's just me.
• 44:13
  SPEAKER_01: It's just me.
• 44:14
  SPEAKER_01: It's just me making those choices.
• 44:16
  SPEAKER_01: I dare say that if your choices are not leading you directly to your desires, and in parentheses or in a footnote, desires may also be shrouded and protected by prison guards at this point, it's prison guards at play.
• 44:34
  SPEAKER_01: So I start my programs with helping women understand identify, meet their prison guards.
• 44:41
  SPEAKER_01: And the way it works, because they are in the subconscious, yes, I can teach, I can show things.
• 44:48
  SPEAKER_01: I explain a lot in the book.
• 44:51
  SPEAKER_01: However, it is in a live situation where you are with a group of women who are all on the same journey, that from their shares, you recognize, your subconscious goes, oh, that, For example, like women who share, we have a private Facebook group with my program and women started sharing the unconscious, subconscious prison guards that surrounded Protected Day Desire.
• 45:27
  SPEAKER_01: And one of them was so surprising to them, the subconscious fear, what if she out-earns her husband?
• 45:35
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, yeah.
• 45:37
  SPEAKER_01: And they actually, like the women who were discovering that, then were going, oh my gosh, me too, me too, me too, for other women.
• 45:44
  SPEAKER_01: And there was this mass conversation with husbands across the continents, from Australia and Europe and the Americas.
• 45:54
  SPEAKER_01: And it turns out Well, guess what?
• 45:56
  SPEAKER_01: It doesn't stand the reality check, of course, but that subconscious fear is there.
• 46:01
  SPEAKER_01: And women would not have known it had we not been all sharing it together.
• 46:08
  SPEAKER_01: Every time a woman goes there, be it in her daring and showing up, she gives permission.
• 46:15
  SPEAKER_01: Like other women, our systems perceive, oh, it's safe.
• 46:18
  SPEAKER_01: Okay.
• 46:18
  SPEAKER_01: She did it and she's okay.
• 46:20
  SPEAKER_01: We're going to rally behind her and we're going to support her.
• 46:23
  SPEAKER_01: And we're also going to receive that support in doing this thing too.
• 46:27
  SPEAKER_01: And we're going to take everyone higher by going higher and feeling supported.
• 46:32
  SPEAKER_01: This is the sisterhood that, I actually never experienced in my life before I started doing this work of deep healing of collective trauma.
• 46:44
  SPEAKER_01: And I didn't know that I needed it because PSD was like, Don't trust women.
• 46:49
  SPEAKER_01: She's going to steal your man.
• 46:54
  SPEAKER_01: All that crappy PhD conditioning or comparing what her body looks like, what my body looks like, where we are on the totem pole, patriarchal totem pole, that's complete BS also.
• 47:06
  SPEAKER_01: But it's such a horrible and serious thing.
• 47:10
  SPEAKER_01: When I started to...
• 47:12
  SPEAKER_01: actually allow myself to be in sisterhood with other women doing this healing work together it just broke me in the most beautiful way.
• 47:22
  SPEAKER_01: I just felt like, Oh my gosh, this is what I've been missing all my life.
• 47:26
  SPEAKER_01: And I didn't know it, that the support could be available, that this connection, this intimacy with other women could be available.
• 47:36
  SPEAKER_01: So this is what I see happen.
• 47:38
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 47:38
  SPEAKER_01: In these communities, um, in our programs and our groups.
• 47:42
  SPEAKER_01: And I, I, I wish for every woman to have this experience of deep connection with her own beauty, her own power, her own worth, and seeing that reflected in other women back to her.
• 47:57
  SPEAKER_01: This is, again, how we change the world.
• 47:59
  SPEAKER_01: Yes.
• 48:01
  SPEAKER_01: And since trauma is collective, it makes sense that it would be healed.
• 48:06
  SPEAKER_01: Most efficiently, collectively.
• 48:08
  SPEAKER_01: Yes.
• 48:10
  SPEAKER_01: And just on the point of, I want to ask you this, of leadership.
• 48:14
  SPEAKER_01: It strikes me that this work must be so important for the women who are leading leadership.
• 48:20
  SPEAKER_01: the way for us.
• 48:21
  SPEAKER_01: I'm, I know in the book you talked about the impact of, uh, the last election in the U S where Hillary Clinton was not elected president.
• 48:31
  SPEAKER_01: And, uh, you know, no matter how a woman voted or if she voted, the women in the U S and
• 48:39
  SPEAKER_00: probably globally, because here in Canada, I know we felt it too.
• 48:43
  SPEAKER_00: It was like a, Oh,
• 48:45
  SPEAKER_01: you know, Oh, um, it was, um, it was another collective wound that kind of indicated that, or we could take it to mean that we can't, women can't be present, right?
• 49:01
  SPEAKER_01: And so that becomes a subconscious wound Yes.
• 49:06
  SPEAKER_01: And so in terms of leadership, we see a lot of women who are working really hard to move forward in getting to the top of the CEO, becoming leaders in their communities, becoming president, prime minister, all sorts of areas women are leading or attempting to lead.
• 49:28
  SPEAKER_01: And it's dang hard.
• 49:30
  SPEAKER_01: It is so hard because they're pushing this boulder uphill with them or this you know ball and chain behind them of of ancestral trauma yeah So how important
• 49:45
  SPEAKER_00: your work is to anybody who wants to step out of the shadows and into a leadership position or have what they desire, have the relationship they desire, live where they want to live, you know, decorate their homes the way they want to, whatever it is,
• 50:01
  SPEAKER_01: have the body that they want to have, all of that.
• 50:06
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, it is just, it touches absolutely
• 50:09
  SPEAKER_00: everything.
• 50:10
  SPEAKER_00: I am so thankful.
• 50:12
  SPEAKER_00: I'm so thankful to you for doing this work and pulling together this research and going forward with the book and
• 50:22
  SPEAKER_01: creating it.
• 50:25
  SPEAKER_01: You mentioned that having a mentor and someone or a group of women who helped move you forward was really helpful to you.
• 50:33
  SPEAKER_00: Absolutely.
• 50:34
  SPEAKER_00: Can you
• 50:35
  SPEAKER_01: tell us...
• 50:36
  SPEAKER_01: a little bit like what that process was like for you of stepping into that greater vision for yourself yeah it continues every day and i continue relying on my support system every day i am blessed to have a life partner who is also a trauma healing pro oh nice and It is truly a blessing and it gives me an opportunity to keep on working on deeper layers of my trauma every day as they come up because to expand, to go bigger, to let our light shine brighter, every layer of that requires a deeper layer of diving in and healing.
• 51:24
  SPEAKER_01: If we're okay living kind of invisible, mediocre lives, we really don't have to do any of this work.
• 51:32
  SPEAKER_01: We can just like have our low grade suffering and call it a life, you know, just have a relationship full of resentment or no relationship because it feels safer.
• 51:43
  SPEAKER_01: And, and just kind of, right.
• 51:48
  SPEAKER_01: I recently had a conversation with a woman who we were talking about her prison guards and she was like, yeah, it's on my prison card.
• 51:54
  SPEAKER_01: So you know what, rather than risk failure and disappointment, Just have a mediocre life and you'll be okay.
• 52:03
  SPEAKER_01: This is something that we can be conscious of or completely unconscious.
• 52:07
  SPEAKER_01: What people around us who are well-versed, well, in my case, well-versed in trauma healing, but also who are on the same journey as we are and can notice when we're shrinking away or give us the support when we're not feeling safe and we need to feel safe to heal.
• 52:27
  SPEAKER_01: That is invaluable.
• 52:29
  SPEAKER_01: Every day I was working on my book, I almost didn't write it.
• 52:34
  SPEAKER_01: Every day was that struggle.
• 52:36
  SPEAKER_01: Every day was that battle with all of these layers of trauma.
• 52:45
  SPEAKER_01: It's big.
• 52:46
  SPEAKER_01: And it's not as extreme.
• 52:50
  SPEAKER_01: And my book happens to be about patriarchy.
• 52:55
  SPEAKER_01: So it was a lot of resistance in the field itself.
• 53:00
  SPEAKER_01: But all of us bring amazing gifts into the world.
• 53:04
  SPEAKER_01: And maybe your gifts are in being who you are authentically with your loved ones, with your children, and volunteering and showing up for people in a way that embodies that.
• 53:19
  SPEAKER_01: that freedom, maybe it is in changing the world through your work in the world in different ways.
• 53:27
  SPEAKER_01: We all have these bright, bright, bright gifts.
• 53:32
  SPEAKER_01: And this is something that is non-negotiable.
• 53:35
  SPEAKER_01: So again, I had this conversation just before we got on this interview with somebody who was actually enrolling in my program.
• 53:43
  SPEAKER_01: And she reflected that it's so good to talk to somebody and feel that I'm being seen, I'm being heard, and I'm being understood.
• 53:53
  SPEAKER_01: I'm like, honey, we all need this.
• 53:56
  SPEAKER_01: But part of how prison guards keep us in those silos is that programming, that you have to be strong.
• 54:06
  SPEAKER_01: And as a strong and smart woman, you're supposed to figure it out yourself.
• 54:11
  SPEAKER_01: And the thing is, we're all smart.
• 54:14
  SPEAKER_01: We're all strong women.
• 54:15
  SPEAKER_01: If it was possible to figure that out, we would have figured that out.
• 54:20
  SPEAKER_01: Yes.
• 54:20
  SPEAKER_01: The truth is we need to be in a community with other women who see us, who understand us, who get us, because that creates the shift on the level of the subconscious, the level of biology, and that's a lasting transformation.
• 54:34
  SPEAKER_01: Thank you.
• 54:36
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, so good.
• 54:38
  SPEAKER_01: So good.
• 54:39
  SPEAKER_01: Thank you so much.
• 54:41
  SPEAKER_01: I could talk with you for a long time.
• 54:46
  SPEAKER_01: And we will, maybe we'll do this again, but I want to respect
• 54:50
  SPEAKER_00: your time.
• 54:50
  SPEAKER_00: And I guess, is there, is there any one piece of advice that you would like to leave for, for anyone listening who says, yeah, I, I see this.
• 55:04
  SPEAKER_00: I get it.
• 55:06
  SPEAKER_00: Now what?
• 55:07
  UNKNOWN: Yeah.
• 55:08
  SPEAKER_01: Don't let go of this string.
• 55:11
  SPEAKER_01: Don't let go of the truth that you felt pulsating in your body.
• 55:15
  SPEAKER_01: Don't let go.
• 55:16
  SPEAKER_01: And it's very easy to close the computer and walk away and it will be lost, unfortunately.
• 55:24
  SPEAKER_01: That's the easiest thing in the world because the status quo protects itself.
• 55:27
  SPEAKER_01: The prison guards will rush in to create this amnesic effect.
• 55:33
  SPEAKER_01: So if you felt this pulsating in your body, drvalerie.com, get on the mailing list, download the free resources, get into the Facebook group or follow the crumbs.
• 55:46
  SPEAKER_01: You can click on work with me button and explore what the program, the thriving solution is all about.
• 55:51
  SPEAKER_01: You can shoot me a message directly, valerie, drvalerie.com.
• 55:55
  SPEAKER_01: Just don't let go of the thread, whatever, however that looks for you right now, watching some videos, reading the book or getting into a container that helps you heal right now it doesn't matter it matters that you hold on to the pulsating pulsating truth thread yes yes so good and maybe talk with your girlfriends about it you know say hey I listened to this
• 56:21
  SPEAKER_00: podcast and this is what they said How do you, how does that show up for you or something like that?
• 56:29
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 56:29
  SPEAKER_00: Like
• 56:29
  SPEAKER_01: let's start talking about it because you know what?
• 56:32
  SPEAKER_01: I've, I've been on your Facebook group and I know that women are saying, yes, yes.
• 56:38
  SPEAKER_01: Oh my God.
• 56:39
  SPEAKER_01: Yes.
• 56:40
  SPEAKER_01: This happened to me.
• 56:42
  SPEAKER_01: I know what you're talking about.
• 56:43
  SPEAKER_01: You're speaking my language.
• 56:46
  SPEAKER_01: Everybody, everybody who lives in this day and age knows that.
• 56:50
  SPEAKER_01: this syndrome this disorder patriarchy
• 56:54
  SPEAKER_00: stress disorder and you have the answer so thank you so much for being in the world today and doing this work for us and with us I really really appreciate you
• 57:06
  SPEAKER_01: thank you so much Lorraine thank you for being a champion of this awareness and calling to women to share it I second that and thank you for everyone who has shared their time with us today thank you for being a part of this movement Thank you.
• 57:24
  SPEAKER_01: Until next time.
• 57:47
  SPEAKER_01: Inside Women Thriving After Trauma, you will find a supportive community, resources, tools, and masterclasses presented by experts in the field of trauma.
• 57:58
  SPEAKER_01: And inside that community, there
• 58:01
  SPEAKER_00: is takeaways that you can use every day to help you as you're impacted by patriarchy, past traumas, and perhaps
• 58:11
  SPEAKER_01: are even living in some sort of trauma.
• 58:14
  SPEAKER_01: Inside the community, you also will find supportive women who understand where you're coming from.
• 58:20
  SPEAKER_01: You'll be supported, and you'll be able to provide support.
• 58:25
  SPEAKER_01: Check us out at Women Thriving After Trauma inside the Facebook group, and I'll drop the link in the show notes.
• 58:33
  SPEAKER_01: Take care, take really good care of you, and
• 58:36
  SPEAKER_00: until next time, keep being you.
• 58:42
  SPEAKER_01: Keep being you.
• 58:52
  SPEAKER_01: Music
• 59:11
  UNKNOWN: Thank you.