Latest / Cycles and Sanctity Podcast | Trust Your Body, Grow In Holiness / #148 Emotional Self - Leadership

Transcript

#148 Emotional Self - Leadership · Cycles and Sanctity Podcast | Trust Your Body, Grow In Holiness

0:00
Welcome back to Cycles and Sanctity.
0:02
Today we are discussing emotional self-leadership and why your emotions were never meant to control your life, but to guide it.
0:12
So if you've ever said, why did I react like that? Why do my emotions feel so strong? Why do I feel out of control sometimes? Take a deep breath.
0:26
Because this conversation is going to bring you clarity.
0:30
Come on into the podcast and let's get started.
Welcome to Cycles and Sanctity, the podcast where Catholic women learn to think clearly, feel deeply, and live confidently in the truth of who God created them to be.
I'm Mama Jane.
And I'm Mama Vicki, your Catholic womanhood coaches.
We believe womanhood is a gift to be embraced, never managed, or met with shame.
Our cycles are God's design, a tool for self-knowledge, deeper prayer, and holiness.
We help women heal mentally, emotionally, and spiritually so they can live with clarity, peace, and confidence.
If you're ready to trust your body, understand your interior life, and walk more freely with God, you're in the right place.
Oh, hey Catholic Divas, welcome back.
Hi, mama Jane.
Hello, mama Vicki.
How are you? I'm doing well.
Um, today we're gonna be talking about how we learned emotional self-leadership.
What a fancy title.
I know, right? I really, I really love that.
I was like, yeah, that's exactly what we want, is.
To lead ourselves by through our emotions to learn how to not just regulate, you know, I, I really don't like that terminology, self-regulation, emotional regulation, which is very popular nowadays with therapists and counselors and all the things.
My goal, I hope that this podcast will lead women to understand is that first of all, our emotions are gifts from God.
That's how God created us.
Mm-hmm.
And we can choose which emotion, and that's where the leadership comes in.
For sure.
So many of us just didn't learn that.
Uh, we just thought we have an emotion and react to set of emotion and don't put any.
So I agree with you.
I don't like regulate, but you know, kind of, um, learn to recognize and honor and then choose your reaction instead of just knee jerk reacting.
Give a response instead of a reaction.
Yeah, because that's, because again, that's, that's the, that's the emotional, you know, when I think of reaction, I kind of think of the toddler, right? Mm-hmm.
That just has a temper tantrum.
'cause he, he doesn't know how to verbalize and he hasn't really developed his brain, so he doesn't know what he is thinking.
And these emotions are just so big that they're just.
He's just reacting.
I keep smiling because every time I think of that, I think of the science experiment we all did somewhere in grade school where you make the mountain and then you put the baking soda and you pour the vinegar in and it explodes.
That's what I think, like so many of us just don't even think.
We just, that's such a beautiful word.
Picture Mama Vicki.
Yes, that's, that's exactly what it is.
'cause it feels like when you're, when you don't know how to recognize your emotions, it really feels like that.
I know I've said this before on a podcast, but I mean, I was 38 years old.
Before I even heard the concept of that you don't have to react to your emotions.
I was like, that's the craziest thing I've ever heard clearly.
That's what you do.
And I, and I just, you know, so for 38 years, no one ever said, Hey, you don't have to, you, you don't, this vinegar's not being poured upon you baking soda.
Calm down.
Yeah.
Well, and even when the, the vinegar is being poured.
Yes.
That's really the key.
Right? Right.
Because.
Again, it's the stimuli.
We can't control the stimuli.
Something's going to happen.
That there is that, you know, chemical reaction.
'cause that's what the, the emotions are, is that it's a chemical reaction in our body.
Mm-hmm.
It's energy in motion.
But the, the key really is, is that it's emotions are interior.
The response or the reaction is the exterior.
Either what we say, how our body looks like, you know, that, that look, that, you know, could just, you know, you're in trouble or something.
Right.
Or, or our, or our actual actions, you know, um, picking up the, the chunk club, throwing across the room.
Right.
Right.
Well, I mean, so like if you've ever said, why did I react like that? Why do my emotions feel so strong? Why do I feel so out of control sometimes? Take a deep breath because that is what we're talking about today, and hopefully we can get some clarity.
Yeah, absolutely.
And you know, the thing is, unfortunately, when we ask those types of questions to ourselves, there's this underlying tone.
That something's wrong with us.
Mm-hmm.
And then that leads to shame, you know, self-hatred, uh, guilt.
Um, and then we don't feel good about ourselves.
Right? And then we have those negative thoughts which stir up more negative emotions and there's nowhere to like.
Put a pause.
Yeah.
Mm-hmm.
Yeah, absolutely.
And this is what we're trying to talk about today, to find that pause.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Absolutely.
And so that, and to remember, and to remember that, you know, when you start getting these thoughts of being inadequate, not enough, all the negative things, you know, we, we just talked about those negative feelings.
That's not a message from God.
No.
Even, even in the messiness, even when the vinegar is poured, I, I'm gonna use that whole analogy, this whole podcast, because I love it.
It's just such a visual.
Mm-hmm.
We've all done that experiment.
Yeah.
We've done helped our kids do it.
But even when the vinegar is poured in the baking soda before it bubbles up and blows over, we have the choice.
Where that that energy is going to be moved.
Because again, ener emotions are energy and move in motion, but we get to decide, you know, it's almost like, um.
What I kind of think of like the canals, right? Like they open and shut mm-hmm.
And the, the water goes through.
Mm-hmm.
You know, it's Cushing through it.
Yeah.
And then it's gonna turn right.
'cause we've made those, those points mm-hmm.
Of no, we don't want it to go over here 'cause we don't want it to flood this farmland.
We're gonna move it over here and get this dry area.
Mm-hmm.
And that's, that's really, really the, um.
The point is like, movement is automatic with emotions because the other, the other thing rather than, you know, exploding what we, the other opposite thing we do is like, we push it down.
Mm-hmm.
And that's like a, a beach ball.
You know, try, if you've ever tried to push down the beach ball in the pool and the water.
Yeah.
Like a push shit pops up.
You can sit on it and as soon as you move.
Yeah, that's right.
So that doesn't work either, right? So the question is, what is going to work so that I'm choosing the movement that I want with the emotion, right? Because movement is automatic, reaction is not exactly, there is a, there's a space, however brief between what we feel and what we choose, and that's where self-leadership is learned.
It's in that space.
Right.
And I, and I love, I love that word space, uh, because it gives us, it gives us that possibility.
Yes.
And it doesn't have to be gigantic.
I mean, sometimes you think space, you think, oh gosh, that's the huge long time You mean space can be moments.
Exactly.
And when you, when we like listening, talking to us, Catholic coaching can help you identify that emotion.
So you can just take a minute and even if you are, even if it's heavy emotions, you can choose to like, okay, that's a trigger.
I'm, I'm aware, but I'm not gonna freak out.
You know, I'm not gonna just tumble over my words and, and just, just react.
I'm gonna, I'm gonna think even if, even if the answer to whatever situation you're in is, you know what I need, I need to think about this.
Yeah, yeah, absolutely.
Or I need to pray about this because here, because here's the thing.
God designed a human person with an intellect and a will, which means that the intellect has the capacity to think about what the movement is going to be, and then the will is where we choose the emotion and where the emotion's going to be directed.
Yeah.
But unfortunately what we've taught and you know, intellect will and emotion what we've been learned.
Like we, like you said, like you said, what, 38 you didn't even realize.
Mm-hmm.
Like, wait, you don't have to react to every single emotion.
And uh, and I think a lot of people have.
Been taught that, or, or weren't taught anything else other than that.
Right.
Because that's the thing that they were modeled.
Like that's how their parents and the people around them re they reacted to their emotions.
And so there was another nothing.
There was no other choice.
Well, I mean, I, I still have, uh, people in my life that do that.
Mm-hmm.
And they're, that are older than me.
That, that, you know, and, and that modeled that behavior for me.
And, um.
I think it's a gift to learn.
I mean, I, I know that my life is much more calm.
Yeah.
And even, even if, you know, we talk about this a lot, like not all the circumstances have changed.
But how I react to them or you, you know, has changed.
And that's just helped.
And you know, the other thing, don't underestimate the power of prayer.
I mean, God is there to help us.
He really is.
And sometimes just seeing, and one of the things, I know I'm a little off topic here, but one of the things that's beautiful about Catholicism for me is they have written prayers.
Sometimes when we're in an emotional state, we just can't think of the right words.
And I, I mean, you know, there's just so many prayers that, um.
Church just offers us that we, you know, times, times of fill in the blank.
I mean, you know, I love the mother's manual.
I talk about it all the time.
I mean, just open that and, and sometimes just reading one of those prayers can help you.
Yeah.
Regulate.
Yeah, absolutely.
And, you know, I'm gonna, I'm just gonna kinda share a, a.
An actual experience for me when I realized mm-hmm.
A little bit of this, I mean, just a beginning is, uh, you know, when my children were little, I had one, one particular child that he just loved to push the buttons and he was also very emotional.
And I would use the terminology, the Tasmanian devil because he would get wound up.
Right.
We both, we both have one of those kids.
Exactly.
If you have enough guys, you're gonna have one.
Exactly.
Well, and, and I could see it because that's how I would also get mm-hmm.
As well.
And I, I heard somebody say, when your children are, you know, disobeying or, or, or, or, or not doing the thing, you know, not paying attention, whatever, instead of yelling at them, trying to get over their voice.
This person told me, you lower your voice so that they have to stop what they're doing and really listen.
And so when this would happen, I made a conscious decision that instead of yelling and losing my temper, because I didn't, again, that's kind of the question, oh, why am I always acting like this? Why am I always reacting like this? 'cause then I would say things that I would regret.
All the, the, the fruit of the cons that what I was doing was not the way I wanted to go.
I wanted to be a better person.
So when I remember this one particular time I was in the kitchen, this child was.
You know, crashing out the, the terminology they use today.
Losing his mind.
Right.
Losing their mind, and, you know, and, and it was disturbing to everyone else.
Again, that Tasmanian devil, right.
And I just took a breath and I willfully chose, like I was really seething anger that that was the emotion.
But I chose not to let the volcano explode.
I chose to practice what this person had told me.
I took a deep breath, I lowered my voice.
The louder he got, the angrier, I got the lower I whispered and started to practice this.
And what happened was.
I was actually calming down because I was lowering my voice.
I was coming to a whisper.
I was slowing down my words.
So then therefore my body was slowing down and the anger was diffusing, and therefore, then I was able to be calm.
And that child, you know, while, while he was pinging, I wasn't pinging with him.
Yes.
Well, you know, like you think about this, two women can have the same emotion.
One lashes out, one becomes curious and two completely different futures.
And I know once you saw that, you know, and, and, and we're all a work in progress.
So, you know, I mean, mama Jane and I come from a large Italian family that definitely reacts on emotion and is, everything is big.
The quiet moments are big.
I mean, so, so it is, but it is, once you experience that.
Success.
Mm-hmm.
When you take a deep breath and you, and you, and you recognize, you feel yourself calming down.
Mm-hmm.
Um, it you want more of that? Yeah, because it gives you hope.
It gives you, it gives you hope that there's another solution.
Yes.
Because again, you're kind of in this, in this hamster wheel, right? Like mm-hmm.
You have this a big emotion, and for us many times it's anger.
Then we explode.
We have that vol, volcanic reaction, and then we regret by the movement that we have, the words that we say, the action that we have, whatever, and then.
It happens again.
And, you know, what is the, what is the, uh, what is the different, the definition of, in sanity definition, insanity.
Yes.
Repeating the same actions, expecting different results.
And, you know, that, that, uh, yeah, that's, that's so true.
And a lot of times when, you know, we've talked about this.
And again, I'm gonna make a plug for Catholic coaching because anger.
So we say anger, you know, when you do have, what's, I mean, I love the, the example of a, of a child quote, crashing out, just like losing their mind, disrupting the whole family.
Like everything's coming, you know, everyone's getting upset.
And so as a mother.
It's not only anger, it's, you know, you know, it's fear, it's frustration, it's, you know, am I enough? Like what? You know, really deep down that's all of that, that anger is all these other emo, you know, and you're letting the enemy fill you with words that, oh, look, look at, look by example.
See how terrible this is your kid.
Just.
You know, not obeying and, and just causing disruption.
And it's easy to get, like in a yourself, your internal self becomes a Tasmanian devil.
Mm-hmm.
And so the beauty that we are trying to communicate is, you know, when you feel that, when you get that trigger, breathe.
Mm-hmm.
Just, just breathe.
Because two minutes to breathe is not gonna.
Is, is not, I mean, the, the, the kid is still gonna, you know, when babies do, when kids throw a tantrum, they, they will throw a tantrum no matter what else is going on.
So you have those two minutes to take a breath or two, 10 seconds, you know, sometimes it's counting to 10 saying the alphabet, I mean, whatever quote it is, and, you know, you've gotta diffuse the situation or, you know, and I, and I know a lot of times we, we use.
Anger because we both have a lot of kids and had a lot of background.
But it can even be, you know, you know, sadness or you know, you know, whatever your emotion is that um, and even huge happiness, you know, you gotta read the room and, and depend on where you're at, you know? And so, yeah, that's why this is just so important to remember.
Your emotion is a dashboard light.
It's a warning sign.
It lasts 90 seconds.
Yeah.
And that's, that's something you and I have talked about of the first time both of us had heard that, that, wait, our, our emotion only lasts 90 seconds in our body.
Mm-hmm.
Wait a minute, how come I'm still feeling this anger or this sadness? And it's because we're still thinking the thoughts that are initiating, igniting that emotion.
And so really, I mean, I can hear it, uh, you know, what are we thinking about? Right.
How many times have we like gotten off the con uh, uh, the phone with someone or had a conversation or even, you know, that child who, you know, lost it that day? Like, we are still mulling over it and we're still feeling angry.
Or maybe, or maybe the anger has moved again now to shame because now we're condemning ourselves because of what we did or how we reacted.
Yep.
Yeah.
But it's going over our head, going over our head, going over our head, and then it's continually evoking that emotion.
And now the, the thought and the emotion are solidifying each other.
And now we've made an association with ourselves of what? And then your brain wants to go on that path because it's known, not because it's right, but because it's known.
Yes, exactly.
And that I, I saw it.
It's just so interesting.
Now that I am more aware of this, I'm able to observe it in others.
Mm-hmm.
And I'm able to really listen to the conversations and watch how their body's responding based on what they're telling, the, how they're telling the story of what story they're telling, you know.
Where that's going.
Yeah, I just have two, two examples.
One, I'm gonna, I don't mean to throw my husband under the bus, but uh, you know, it's just Valentine's Day recently, and his birthday's also a, a, a week after Valentine's Day.
So, you know, it, we never have been huge Valentine's Day people.
So, but a little something, a little card.
I, y'all, I'm easy to please.
I don't, just recognition is almost enough for me.
But, uh.
He didn't gimme anything.
And in the past I would've really been mad about it.
I mean, I was kind of hurt, obviously.
I'm still, I'm still having thoughts on it because I'm talking about it right now.
But, you know, he's busy.
We travels for work.
He's you, you know, and we're gonna be together next week for his birthday.
So, I know, I know this wasn't personal, so that's like what I'm saying, like when you achieve leadership on your emotions, you can say, I mean, I calmly went to him and I said, you know, gosh, I thought you'd at least.
Grab an index card and write, I love, you want it or something.
And you know, and I, you know, I said, and I'm not trying to fight with you, just, hey, it is important to me.
So next year.
Just put this in the back of your mind.
And, and I was, and there has been a time that I would've not done that, and I would've gone in all kinds of thought circles and been like, you know, I'm being, you know, look at me.
I'm so, I'm suffering that, you know, he just doesn't love me or he doesn't care enough.
And none of that is true.
And without Catholic coaching and without this knowledge, I never would've been able to calmly just say, Hey, this is, I need to tell you something, but I also don't need to make it a federal case.
You know what? I'm so happy that you actually brought up St.
Valentine's Day.
Yeah.
'cause I also had a struggle.
Um, I was completely fine.
Again, same thing.
We, we've both acknowledged, like, we don't like to go out on Valentine's Day.
We, we just don't like to participate in the forced, uh, retail, you know, the, our, our favorite restaurant now all of a sudden charges twice as much or whatever.
Mm-hmm.
Um, and so I, I knew that.
Um, and I was working, uh, on some stuff, uh, working on the webinar that we're gonna be having.
And, um, anyway, so we went to, we went to Mass and somebody said to us, he, they, they looked at my husband and said, oh, where are you taking her out tonight? And he got like, they got all excited and we were like, oh, we're going home.
We're doing brat.
Worse, but.
This expectation of like, you know, this, this, this associate, like, you should be doing X, Y, Z and come on, let's, let's just acknowledge like every single commercial for the past week, every single store that you go to for the past week, every kiss begins with cake.
Yes, exactly.
And so you're getting bombarded with all of these messages of the way your Valentines should look right.
And.
Because same thing I've had in the very past Valentine's that didn't look like the Hallmark Valentine's, and I had resentment because of it, right? Yeah.
And I held resentment and I knew that that is not how I wanted to behave.
And yet.
On the way home, I felt this incredible sadness and I could see interiorly that it was leading to resentment.
And same thing, disappointment.
Woe is you like all the things.
And I, it was a battle in the mind.
Yeah.
Mm-hmm.
It was a total battle in the mind.
I love that you say that, mama.
Jane, I'm gonna interrupt you because that's the thing we don't often recognize.
It is a battle in the mind divas.
So what we're talking about isn't necessarily easy stuff.
Yeah.
But when you recognize it, I'm sorry, go ahead.
No, yeah.
No.
And, and, and the thing is like, it, it was, it lasted for me over hours.
Yeah.
Because I, I, while I understood what was happening.
I still sometimes agreed to it, and I would go down that train and then I'd have to stop myself.
And it was this back and forth interiorly like, no, you know that your husband loves you.
You've agreed that we're gonna have these bra, we, you know, da, da da.
Like mm-hmm.
Evoke these, and then, and then these thoughts about like, yeah.
But he could have done this for you.
Yes.
Could have done it.
He could have like, it was.
Got a rose from the gas station.
I don't know exactly.
And it was, and you know, there were tears because the sadness was overwhelming.
Uh, and yet I chose to smile.
I chose to speak in a, like a happy voice.
And my husband is very intuitive and he could feel.
He, 'cause he, he doesn't always connect.
He can't tell, but he could feel, and he looked at me at one point of the dinner making, he's, is everything okay? And I said, yeah, every, everything's, because I, it had nothing to do with him.
Yes.
It had nothing to do with whether he gave me something lavish or not.
It had everything to do with me.
It had everything to do with.
My own wound of bitterness that I chose to, you know, it's, it's like, um, somebody said, you know, sometimes the wounds that people have, like, you can't forgive, right? It's like, 'cause you gotta keep the, you're holding onto the knife that, and Yeah.
The Lord's trying to pull the knife out and heal it.
Yes.
But you're like, oh, no, no, no.
I have to have this.
Yes.
And, and it wasn't until I was able to take it to prayer.
And really like, Lord, you've gotta heal this for me.
And took the tears to prayer and you know, and I did.
I was able, like, Lord, okay, this is my pity party.
I'm gonna say these things.
And he gave me such insight about my husband and about my relationship with him that it was such a glorious thing.
I was still able to love my husband the way he was called to love.
Like that was like, I'm what we're saying divas is that the interior fight might still be going on.
Yes.
But it doesn't have to be exterior that it could ruin because the fruit of that, right? Like that fruit of that interior fight.
It was an interior fight.
We had a, we had a beautiful dinner.
We had a beautiful evening.
You know, the rest of the weekend was really great.
And one of the, one of those thoughts that like kind of like stopped me in the tracks was like.
Who cares if it's Valentine's Day.
Like that was kind of the thing.
And, and it was funny what later, I think it was actually the next day, or no later, it was after dinner, he, my husband was like, you know, since we didn't go out tonight, why don't we go out tomorrow night? And I was like, oh, you know, I've gotta do this class for these, you know, these godparents.
And he is like, okay, no problem.
And, you know, then we kind of moved on and, and we just kind of talked about like, when do we wanna go out and, and things like that.
Again, it's just so easy to get caught up in the world, you know? You know, that's part of it.
You know, we get all these messages.
You're supposed to be ous.
So if you're not lavishly, expending Valentine's Day, then what are you even doing? I mean, there's people out there that are single that are fine with being single in their life right now, and then all of a sudden Valentine's Day rolls around and it's like they have a, you know, the, because you know, the, the, you know, you, if you're alone, you know, have a self-care day.
And you know, I'm not saying self-care is bad, but you know, we just make it something that it isn't, and.
And it just, it takes a lot of work.
Mama Jane and I are here to tell you, it takes a lot of work and Yeah, but it's worth it.
Yeah.
The work is worth it because same, you know, I, we were able to have a nice night.
We had a good weekend.
You know, I had my, I always do something very small for, I've always done it for my kids for Valentine's Day.
Maybe just a card, couple candies.
And I got, um, my girls a few, like a lip gloss and some candy and a little stuffed animal.
And they came over and they were like, wow, you got some Valentine's still? I'm like, well, I mean, of course, like, just, you know, and it's a, just a small.
And we were able to spend time together.
We had this beautiful brunch with my mom, and, and that time was just worth everything else, you know? Yeah, yeah.
And, and I mean, again, an emotion, you know, the girls said they would be there, but Lord knows girls take longer to get, anyway, they were, they were like an hour and a half late.
And my mom and I were starting to get, my mom was starting to get worked up and I was starting to get worked up and I was like, Hey, hey, hey, hey again.
We, we don't, we could choose to be upset that that's not going to change the circumstance.
So, you know.
Yeah.
The same, the little old fashioned saying, you can get glad the same pants you got mad in.
Exactly.
And that, that's really, but a lot of us don't even know that.
That's right.
That's right.
And, and here's the beautiful thing though, is that we get to choose, yes.
What do I want to choose? How do I want to choose? What emotion do I want to feel? I can choose joy or I could choose sorrow.
And again, that was the interior battle with me.
I understood that I could choose and one minute I was choosing sadness and resentment, and the next minute I was re, you know, choosing joy and hope.
And it was a battle.
It went back and forth.
It was like a tennis ball, you know, tennis game in my interior.
And yet I knew because of the self-leadership I've developed it, it guys, this has been over years and years, years and years that I've been practicing this.
Yes.
That there was no ramifications with my husband and I because I chose to keep the movement interior.
Yes.
And that is different.
Stuffing it down like a beach ball.
Yes, yes, exactly.
Because you're recognizing it, you're taking it to prayer and you're making a different choice.
So you do have these big emotions and the Lord has given us self will, you know, the free will.
Yeah.
And so we can freely, so, and I love Mama Jane, that you brought up.
You know, I, the, the expression choose joy used to kind of upset me.
I'm like, well, I want to choose joy, but all these people are making me angry.
And it's when you get that self-leadership and you learn that even again, it doesn't matter the circumstance, you can choose it.
But we're here to tell you.
That doesn't mean it's easy.
You know, so many people think walking with the Lord is quote, easy.
He actually says over and over and over again, this will not be easy.
Yeah.
And, and it will be beautiful and it will be worth it.
And it is right and good.
But a lot of times, um, we feel like if ev you know, easy means.
Good and happy and joyful.
Yeah.
And sometimes it does, but hard things, you know, build resilience and, you know, mamas, if you're, if you're, if this is news to you, like it was to me when I heard it, then just start small.
Just all it takes is one situation where you, you know, let's, let's say a, a driver cuts you off and you don't freak out in the car in front of your kids.
Yeah.
That, that alone, that's step one.
You know, recognize, oof, this makes me really upset, but I don't have to.
'cause first of all, it's not gonna change situation.
Yeah.
And you know, second of all, you can show up to your kids that irritating things can happen and.
You can handle it and I don't have to react.
I can choose to respond in a different way.
Mm-hmm.
So, yeah, which is why we're really excited.
Next Wednesday, we're gonna do a free webinar, um, call and the webinar's called How to Calm Your Interior Storm.
Because it was a storm.
I had a storm in in my interior life at that moment.
Mm-hmm.
And you know, even, even, you know, even one of the silly thoughts, I was like, I started to get mad at the person that said that because I was like, if they hadn't brought it up, I would've been okay.
And like, really that's like.
That wasn't the intention of the conversation.
That wasn't like, that's not what this comment, this comment was not trying to evoke that is a whole other podcast because how often do other people say something completely innocently and now all of a sudden you're having a self battle of like, why did they say that? Well, and unfortunately that's a lot of times where we go wrong is that we make.
We make assumptions.
Mm-hmm.
We try to get into their locus of control.
We try to assume what they're thinking.
Uh, you know, and that was, I mean, if I look back on this whole incident, you know, the Valentine's days, when I was back in the day feeling resentment, feeling sorry for myself.
One of the thoughts was like, he doesn't love me.
Mm-hmm.
Really, really? Like I know, dude, you've been married almost 40 years.
He doesn't love you.
Like, right.
That is such a, but again, it's those lies that the enemy wants to plant into our thoughts, which is why the thoughts are so important that activate the emotion.
And so when we're having that strong emotion.
Pause and then ask yourself like, what am I thinking? Mm-hmm.
Yeah, your emotions may initiate movement, but you decide the direction.
Yes, yes.
Exactly.
Exactly.
And you know, and like I said, I, I just, I have learned from myself, again, because of the past evidence, where I have reacted and I have had felt shame because of the behavior that I, you know, acted or the words that I said.
That harmed other people.
Mm-hmm.
Or harmed myself.
I am, it's almost, it's almost, um, it's just uber sensitive.
Mm-hmm.
And when I, so when I'm feeling these strong emotions, it's like, kinda like warning Will Rogers right? The, the, the, the caution lights at the, you know, the construction of the road, you know, to like slow down, slow down, slow down.
This is your work.
Mm-hmm.
This has nothing to do with anyone else.
Mm-hmm.
That's powerful in itself, you know, again, locus of control.
And, and you do start to feel more confident when you understand, okay, I can control me and this day can go according to how I want it to go.
And again, we're not saying dismiss your big emotions.
We're saying the exact opposite.
Take it to prayer.
Take it to coaching.
Yes, these are big emotions.
Acknowledge them.
You know, your oil light comes on.
If you don't do anything about that, you know it damages your engine.
So.
Definitely pay attention, but don't let it drive you and don't let it lead to, um, you know, hurts that you, you have brokenness now you've got a whole nother Yeah.
You know, avenue of, of sadness and so, yeah.
Um, we're just trying to keep the confessional line shorter.
Yeah.
Well, and you know, and you, you actually said that before is that, you know, free will the, the.
The great thing about free will.
Once you understand the ability to choose and you understand the thing that you want to choose because you understand where you want to go, then the other choice doesn't even become a thing.
You know, it's like, it's like, okay, you're married, it gets easier.
I I don't even need to look at those other guys 'cause I'm married.
That was my choice and now I'm going in this direction of being a married person.
Right? And so the, the, the, the choices become less really, because those other choices aren't even in play.
Like they, they're like, why would I even want that? You know, um, you know, and so often I used to say with the, like in my breastfeeding sport groups, I used to say like, you know, moms always have drama about sleeping, right? Sleeping with a baby, sleeping at night with a baby is just always the bane focus of every event because it's exhausting.
And, you know, you, you see the movies and all the babies are just.
Sweet sleeping, or they just skip over the nighttime.
Really, most movies don't address nighttime parenting.
And so, but you think we get this image in our head that, oh gosh, everybody else is sleeping peacefully.
But my house, and I used to say, if you could take the rooftops and look in all the houses of America with babies, like everybody's awake, okay? Mm-hmm.
You just gotta figure out what works for you.
And, and that's the thing, like it's easy with these big emotions to start thinking, uh, you know, worldly thoughts of how you should act and what you should do.
You know, and forget your locus control and, and what, what you can and, and can't master.
Yeah.
Yeah.
You know, and, and that's, you know, going back to the thought aspect, and we've talked about this with the one, the one.
Question that has helped you is, is this true? Is this always true? Yes.
Mm-hmm.
And that was, that was the thing, right? Like that was the thing that would stop me going down.
That because it was, it was a neuro pathway that was well worn because I have.
I have held onto resentment.
I've held onto this.
Woe is me.
He never gets me things.
It's the limit.
It's like the lose, isn't it? The lose that they like shoot down.
Yes, yes.
Some of our neural pathways are like that and we've built them.
We've gotta, we've gotta put a fence up.
Yeah, exactly.
And that was the thing.
It's like the underlying aspect of that was, the underlying belief was that he doesn't love me.
I'm like, that's not true at all.
Mm-hmm.
What the heck? Why would I even think that? Stop that, Jane.
That's not, you're being ridiculous.
Like, you know, the, and if it, if it, you know, let's say it is a thing like, you know, and I'm saying like, you know, I said next year just, and I really don't, I don't want a big Valentine's Day.
I, I don't wanna put pressure on us to go out and get, I absolutely do not.
Mm-hmm.
Just a little recognition and so, mm-hmm.
You know, next year I'll probably the week before Valentine's Day be like.
Looked in any cards this week, you know, just like a little hint and, and see what happens.
And also not, you know, you know, don't, don't hinge that because, you know, again, then there's a whole again.
Look, I've got like six more podcasts, podcast episodes to get this podcast.
But, you know, it's, it's, uh, it's, it's up to them how they respond to that.
Yeah.
It's their free will, right? Mm-hmm.
And that, that was the other aspect of it is like, it, it was his free will.
To, to do something or not to do something.
Right, right.
And, you know, quote unquote do something.
Right.
Right.
That, that, that's the other thing to do something.
Well, my husband chose to make browe that he loves to make in his little, you know, secret beer recipe.
Like it's his, his Wisconsin thing.
And your husband was not.
Present And so, right.
And, and you know what he does do, he always makes sure we have the basics.
I know this sounds crazy, but like, uh, toilet paper, lotion, like toothpaste.
He is the king of making sure we have all that.
I mean, I would run out before we went and got anymore.
And so I'm always like, man, I gotta get toothpaste.
He's like, right here.
And so, so, you know, like when I'm sitting like, Hmm, I didn't get a valentine.
But, you know, he does show his love in different ways and we have to, you know, honor that because I know it's.
I can't see it being true as wonderful as US divas are, but I'm sure there's things about us that they might wish we would do differently or do more or less of.
That's right.
That's right.
Well divas.
Yeah.
We just wanna close.
And so, you know, I, again, you're going to have big emotions.
You're going to have a strong, um, response to some sort of stimuli.
Mm-hmm.
And.
It doesn't mean that with that strong emotion, you react in a way that's not, um, intentional.
Really.
That's what the, I think that's really what the word is.
Intentional.
Mm-hmm.
What do you, how do you intentionally want to, to be, behave and respond? Yeah.
You don't wanna be the vinegar.
You don't wanna be the volcano experiment.
You don't wanna just react.
Yeah.
You know, I mean, you could, well, I mean, you, you, you could also do that as well.
I mean, you have a fruit will, you have choices, but again, it's, it's that fruit.
What what's the fruit of, of those reactions of the, of those responses.
And when we understand that, then um, we can say, see like, oh, I don't wanna go down that road.
That's not the road that needs to be going down.
The, those lights are all out and it looks like a dangerous road.
This is the well written lit road that I wanna go to, and it's getting me to my path faster.
Yes, and that's, that's, again, those are, those are questions to ask yourself of who are you? How do you wanna show up? That's one of those questions I ask a lot of times with my clients when they're talking about, especially about relationships and they're talking about some, some sort of relation, I'm like, well, how do you want to show up? 'cause sometimes you can't change the relationship or the work experience or fill in the blank, but how, how you choose to show up can change the, you know, situation well.
It's learning how to lead the incredible interior life that God has entrusted to you.
Yes.
Amen.
Amen, sister.
And that's holy work.
It is holy work.
And we wanna invite you to our webinar.
Mm-hmm.
If this all sounds new or it sounds, um.
Exciting that there's a possibility that you could respond rather than react.
We wanna invite you Wednesday the 25th, February the 25th, how to calm your interior storm.
We're gonna have the, the.
Webinar link is in the show notes and reach out to us if you have any questions.
Yeah, give us a review.
Remember divas, we wanna know how we're doing.
If you don't tell us we don't know.
Amen.
Sister.
Amen.
Drop a, drop a note and, and let us know how you like this and if there's other topics you wanna talk about or a personal experience, hit us up.
Yes.
Amen.
Amen.
And just again,, subscribe, download all the things because those are the ways that the algorithm of podcasts work.
To just get us up, share this episode.
If you, um, found it really at a efficacious.
And thought of someone.
I love that word.
That is a fun word.
Alright.
Alright, well let's close in prayer.
In the name of the Father, son, and the Holy Spirit, amen.
May the God of peace make you perfect in holiness.
May he preserve you whole and entire spirit, soul and body irreproachable at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ, the one who calls you as faithful and he will accomplish it.
Amen.
Amen.
Father Holy Spirit.
All right, divas.
Have a great week and we'll see you Wednesday.
Amen.