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Thriving, Not Just Surviving Through Crisis · Authentic Living

• 0:01
  Welcome to authentic living with Roxanne, a place where we have as conversations about
• 0:08
  things that really matter in our lives.
• 0:11
  And now here's your host, Roxanne Derhodge.
• 0:35
  Everyone.
• 0:35
  It's Roxanne Durgesh.
• 0:37
  Thanks for tuning in with authentic living with Roxanne this week.
• 0:40
  Today, I have a special, I would say soon to be frank because I've just met her, Patty
• 0:46
  Hondroff.
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  She, is a leadership and 6 Cess coach, and we were, recently introduced by a very different,
• 0:53
  Penny Tromble, and as for, other people that have listened to the as she, does conflict
• 1:01
  resolution playing nice in the sandbox.
• 1:03
  And, she was the, you know, thought that, Patty and I were in some synergy, and I was I've been
• 1:10
  invited, Patty's doing a summit, which I'd love for all of you to, look at the show notes
• 1:17
  because there'll be a link to the summit, and that's on April 26th to May 7th where you can
• 1:22
  listen to self, and lots of, experts in leadership.
• 1:29
  So, Patty, thanks so much for coming in today, to be on the podcast.
• 1:34
  Roxanne, and
• 1:35
  I'm truly honored to be here with you and just I'm looking forward to spending a bit of time
• 1:40
  sharing with your audience today.
• 1:42
  Awesome.
• 1:42
  So let's, I mean, obviously, you're you're doing, you've been in this field for a long
• 1:47
  time.
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  And I I know your your story is quite fascinating.
• 1:52
  And I I love, you know, when when you told me up offline, but just kind of tell us about your
• 1:57
  path and kind of what you what makes you inspires you today to do what you do and to
• 2:02
  obviously, you know, accomplish a big goal, like, running a summit.
• 2:06
  Sure.
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  Too.
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  I'll just do a little bit of a backstory just very quickly.
• 2:12
  I spent over 20 years, in the banking industry.
• 2:15
  Managing customer service in, in Ontario and, married my current husband, Joe, 19 years ago,
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  which I had concluded my my my time with the bank when I married Joe and moved to Northern
• 2:32
  Ontario, And at that point in time, Joe ran his own per his own construction company building
• 2:38
  homes and cottages, etcetera.
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  So I trying to took on the role of administration and cuss dealing with customers
• 2:44
  and stuff like that.
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  But I'll be honest, construction was not my passion and when we became empty nesters, I
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  knew it was time for me to really look into, okay, you know, I'm in my fifties now and what
• 2:59
  do I wanna do with the rest of my life?
• 3:01
  You know, kinda like, what do I wanna be when I really grow up?
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  Right?
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  And went on a journey of discovery and finally ended up, deciding that building my own
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  coaching practice was really what I was passionate about.
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  And I became a certified coach in August of 2012, which I was absolutely loving.
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  And then in August 2015, my life took a huge change in trajectory along with Joe, when he
• 3:32
  was diagnosed with early onset the Alzheimer's at the age of fifty three.
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  So that obviously was a was a shock and I'll be honest though, like as I like to say once I
• 3:44
  kind of pick myself off off the floor, as being a coach, I decided very quickly.
• 3:50
  I knew the power of goals, and I decided very quickly to set myself to goals.
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  And my number one goal was to always ensure that Joe had the best care possible, knowing
• 4:01
  that would not always be me, And number 2 was my goal was to not go down with the ship and
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  certainly no disrespect to my husband, but I knew the rate of caregiver burnout and or early
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  death was extremely high.
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  So those were kind of the 2 goals that I set that really be came my anchors to go through
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  this journey.
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  I'd never really been around anybody with Alzheimer's.
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  I knew you know, basic information, but I really didn't know what the journey was gonna
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  look like.
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  And I just wanted to do the best that I possibly could to thrive through this and not
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  just survive.
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  And I'll be honest, I've learned that Thrive has a different meaning for everybody.
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  And, you know, so that kind of set me on my journey.
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  And it's, you know, it's obviously been a very tumultuous one.
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  Joe's been in long term care now for a year and a half.
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  And when the pandemic hit, you know, I everything went into lockdown, and I went 3 74
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  days without being able to get in to see Joe.
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  So thankfully, I just got in to see him about 4 week ago, and I'm just truly blessed to be able
• 5:13
  to get in and sit there, with him.
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  Obviously, there's been a lot of change, and we had a lot of space time throughout that time.
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  I was face timing regularly throughout the week, and some window visits, but it's it's
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  just not the same as sitting there.
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  And holding his hand and just being present with him.
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  So So let's let's talk about, okay, you're you're you're young and you're you're dealing
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  with this situation.
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  And, you know, I think developmentally, what, you know, of us will accept that as we get
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  older, things will happen.
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  And maybe it's not gonna be, you know, that sudden, where, of a sudden, you're having to
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  deal with a with an issue like with, like, Alzheimer's.
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  What's what happened for you when you realized like you said, you know, I'm goal driven, and
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  I'm, I'm gonna figure this out, but I'm gonna say the prior to that, there must have been a
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  gap where you must have been going through a lot of things in in in grieving what was and
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  what was to be.
• 6:17
  Well, that's it.
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  That's interesting thought Roxanne.
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  I'll be honest.
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  The grieving didn't start for me right away.
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  I kind of because I'm a get things done kind of person.
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  I just kinda went into the mold of what are the steps that I'm gonna need to look at?
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  Absolutely speak into the grieving because it came just a little bit later.
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  For me, I went into the motive.
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  What are the steps that I'm gonna have to potentially look at walking through.
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  And, you know, to be honest, what it what it came to, Joe being a builder had you know, he'd
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  build us a beautiful home on 14 acres in the country.
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  And, you know, this was our dream home.
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  This was our dream.
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  And we had so many dreams that we were you know, looking forward to doing together, we
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  wanted to do some work in 3rd world countries and, you know, stuff like that.
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  So honestly, one of the first processes that I had to walk through or I chose to walk through.
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  I didn't have to.
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  All of this is choices, obviously, but what I chose to walk through was honestly starting to
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  formulate, and this didn't happen, like, immediately.
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  This was a little bit into the journey.
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  But that was one of the big processes that I went through in the beginning was just working
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  through that, you know, all those dreams that we had as a couple together.
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  We're not gonna come to fruition, and I had to work on coming to that reality.
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  So that in essence is a grieving process.
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  Because there's absolutely there's.
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  It's maybe the maybe the term, you know, like, because, generally, we think grief as, you
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  know, loss in the traditional sense, but you know, from a from an emotional lens to some
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  degree, you had you were grieving because now here's this all these dreams and goals and and
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  this beautiful home and maybe the things you were gonna do and you were gonna go to, you
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  know, like you said, different third world countries.
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  And now that door is, you know, kinda shutting right between your before your eyes.
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  Yes.
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  Right?
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  So yeah.
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  Exactly.
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  So it it it definitely was a grieving process.
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  Just, you know, as you say, it's a little different than the maybe the traditional sense
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  because there was there was all this loss that, you know, I was I was experiencing and going
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  through of what was not going to be anymore.
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  You know, when you spend your whole life quite often, you know, thinking about, and and it
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  wasn't even retirement for us.
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  It was just what we want, how we wanted to live our life in in later years.
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  When our when our kids were out on their own and and doing their own thing and it was just
• 8:56
  the two of us and and that was no longer a possibility.
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  So there absolutely was a grieving process in that, and there's been many different grieving.
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  It's been a It's an ongoing grieving process.
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  Right?
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  You know, as I as I quite often say to people the way I just because I work in pictures best,
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  if I were to look at Joe as a as a puzzle, I'm watching a piece of the puzzle fall away, you
• 9:25
  know, bit by bit as as we're walking this journey.
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  And so it so it isn't on going grieving process.
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  And as you well know, when, you know, you're feeling what you do, grief just shows up.
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  It shows shows up unexpectedly.
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  It's not like, okay.
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  Today, I'm free and I can grieve today.
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  You know, I could be in the middle of getting ready to do a podcast with somebody like you
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  and grief shows up.
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  I'll
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  say that doesn't have any time It doesn't have any channel.
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  And I've I've also gone through a significant loss.
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  I lost my, youngest sister.
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  It's gonna be 5 years ago.
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  And, yeah, and then it's, all of a sudden, it's it's, you know, like a thought within a thought
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  based on a picture or a song song or something.
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  And then before, you know, you're flooded up and you're like, you know, you're in your car
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  and thinking, wow, where did this just come from?
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  You know, so I I don't think there's ever, you know, a beginning middle and end, you're
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  dealing with something kind of chronic.
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  If it's acute, that's a different kind of situation.
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  But when it's it's kinda you're looking at a Joe right before your eyes and then potential,
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  you're saying, wow.
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  That capacity just got shifted.
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  That experience I'll never have again.
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  That that maybe that that conversation may not never happen again.
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  So that's, you know, so microscopic, which a lot of, you know, caregivers, talk about it's
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  almost like they're grieving, but there's the person's still alive.
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  Yes.
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  And, you know, and then they go through the process.
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  So by the time, some individuals and I had, I think Deborah Back to you.
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  At the end, she said, you know, there was so much grieving while, her husband was alive, but
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  at the time she had passed, she had done a lot of grieving.
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  It was a different kind of grief at the end.
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  Right.
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  Right.
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  Right.
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  Yeah.
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  Absolutely.
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  It's interesting because you know, just on this date.
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  And then, you know, I'll switch into some of the things that I've been doing to really help
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  me personally walk through this and get to the point of taken a big leap of, of putting on
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  this summit, but it's I've I've noticed since I've been able to get back into see Joe,
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  obviously a big change in him, but just so relishing in the little things that I still can
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  share with him, whether it's a a little smile or you know, he chuckles at something and, you
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  know, he gets the odd word out that still makes sense and just, you know, things that I never
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  thought of in my life before that I would be so grateful for and just relish like you might a
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  beautiful sunset that you just can't explain.
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  You know, those are those are the things that I'm really grateful for and notice saying now
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  that I may have missed before, walking this journey.
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  Which and I think in this time, most of us have been experiencing that you know, but you've
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  probably got it at a you may be a deeper, like, 3 74 days, which there's big progression
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  Obviously, there's been shifts within you, but also with him, his disease has progressed as
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  well.
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  And but I know, like, with all of us within the pandemic, you know, the things that we are now
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  connecting with compared to, at least I could speak to myself.
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  I can't say for everyone, but even from the experiences I've heard people talk about, like,
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  you know, I'm back onto the woods where I am.
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  And quite literally the birds that I see or even when I go for my walks, the things that I
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  notice now that I, I've done that.
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  I've lived in this home for, like, 25 years.
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  Had the depth of experience before.
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  So I think I'm sure most people listening can relate, to some degree, that's some of the
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  benefits
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  of coming out of this is, you know, our presence and our awareness for for a lot of
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  people has really been heightened, and that's a beautiful thing.
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  Absolutely.
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  Out of adversity, you know, what what are the positives that they're coming?
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  So let's talk let's talk a little bit about you and, your role.
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  Like you said, you kinda thought, what am I gonna do when I grow up?
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  But how did you I'm gonna assume you brought some of that with you into what you did into
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  your practice.
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  Of coaching, and now we were, you know, you get into the point where you're doing this this big
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  initiative of, of a summit.
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  So tell us kinda what parts of that you brought to the coaching or how you kind of looked at
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  things maybe differently, or maybe not differently, maybe you focused a bit more.
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  What what has been your experience?
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  Well, my my experience has been, you know, I'm I'm so grateful for the I guess the year and a
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  half I had in my coaching practice prior to Joe becoming ill because I was, you know, I was
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  very focused on learning and implementing and, and, you know, really helping my clients create
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  transformations in their life so, you know, because I'd taken in and and done as much
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  learning as I had, up until that point.
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  And I believe I was really a coach by heart, even in back in my banking days when I was
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  leading teams with customer service.
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  I you know, in hindsight now, I coached a lot of people and didn't put the term coaching on
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  it because it that's we didn't know that much about or I didn't know that touch about
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  coaching back then and to be able to quote unquote put a label on it.
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  But, you know, my coaching background has really enabled me to you know, kind of self
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  coach myself sometimes throughout this.
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  And I think, you know, as as people listening to to your podcast.
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  I think that's something that we maybe don't put enough emphasis on about how much we really
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  can you know, dig into things ourselves and and not always rely on external sources.
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  Those external sources are critical.
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  And a big part, but, you know, just the amount that we can really do for ourselves as well
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  when we learn some of the tools One of the things that I noticed very quickly in the the
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  journey with Joe was that the people that I would say we're in our inner circle.
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  I'm part of our support system coming into that.
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  I was very quickly realizing we're not very quickly, but, you know, over the course of a
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  year or 18 months, starting to realize that they weren't necessarily gonna be the same
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  people that were gonna travel the journey with us as our inner circle So I'm big on teaching
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  about the power of your inner circle and very intentionally selecting those people and giving
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  yourself a criteria, like, what are your needs that need to be met?
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  What are your values?
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  What are you what do you want to be in alignment with?
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  And this was, you know, when I was looking at selecting my inner circle, I wasn't looking at
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  it as a one way street that they were just going to pour into me, I was looking for a very
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  small intimate group of women that we were going to that we shared values.
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  We shared dreams.
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  We shared purpose.
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  We shared, you know, all things that were important to us in life, we were, you know,
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  kind of in the same wavelength so that we could be a support system for each other.
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  We could lift each other up.
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  We could be there and be super compassionate when somebody was really having a difficult
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  time, and I don't mean to say this in in in the past because it's it's still going on.
• 17:02
  It's just grown to be such an integral part of my life.
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  You know, there's probably 4 women that I would say that I've developed these relationships
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  with.
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  And I honestly with the 4 of them, I'm I literally could call them at any time at the
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  night or day and just know that that support system is there, and they could do the same
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  thing with me.
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  So developing that inner circle has been integral.
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  But again, you know, I just wanna reiterate the importance of, you know, making sure that these
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  people are in alignment with you, where you're going, your dreams, your values, your needs,
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  those core essences of who you are and what really matters to you.
• 17:47
  And I would think Patty, that, and I know what, you know, with myself, with my life, making
• 17:52
  major changes that prior to go through and difficult.
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  I was the one that was there on a deeper level be based on what I did.
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  And I think, you know, it was helped.
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  I think my friends were waiting to see what I was gonna do because I was always the one to
• 18:08
  extend and be available, but I've not really been through anything significant and like,
• 18:13
  with myself, I went through a lot of change, 10 years ago and then wrote my book and start, you
• 18:18
  know, but my and my book was based on my endings.
• 18:21
  It's it's interesting you're talking about endings.
• 18:23
  And I think what has started to happen for me is that people in my life start to say, okay.
• 18:27
  Let's see what she's gonna do.
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  And I was, you know, overwhelmed because then I said, I need.
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  I need.
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  I need.
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  And they were like, okay.
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  It was about time.
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  You know, because we've been here and you've been supportive and you've been kind and you've
• 18:41
  been gentle and you've been authentic.
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  And, you know, what can we do?
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  And it's interesting.
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  And people that I thought would have been there when I reached out that I think had a
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  perception of me of being a certain way.
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  They couldn't deal with my vulnerability and my need at that point.
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  So to your point, I I I think that's so valuable, having lived it as well, is to really
• 19:04
  that values alignment, is so key.
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  And sometimes I say the universe says, okay.
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  You know, reason season of lifetime.
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  I know ever heard that.
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  And, and that's what started to happen.
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  And the core people that were there for me when I was having the toughest time in still the
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  core coordinated people that existed my life today.
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  Yeah.
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  Absolutely.
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  Absolutely.
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  And that was, you know, and and I just wanna point out no disrespect to the people that were
• 19:32
  in my life before.
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  And they're still in my life, but they're in my life in a different way.
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  Right?
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  And they'll always be a part of my life.
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  Some of them are very dear friends, but I they weren't the people that I knew were gonna be
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  that inner circle support system, but, you know, everybody's on their own journey and
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  everybody's trying to figure life out.
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  And Everybody's got their own stuff going on.
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  And, you know, right?
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  And that's that's part of you know, to flip into momentarily about what kind of really has
• 20:03
  has spurred me on to do this summit.
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  You know, it's the summit is called professional women rising.
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  And it's a master class series to go from I know there's more to life to living fully and
• 20:14
  boldly and that in essence is based on my journey like you know, as I was mentioning
• 20:19
  earlier, I didn't wanna just survive this.
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  To me, survival is is the is the I hate to use this term, but I don't know what else to use
• 20:30
  the lowest level of just above not surviving.
• 20:34
  Just above the line.
• 20:35
  And and that will that yeah.
• 20:37
  Exactly.
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  You want it to thrive in it.
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  And I think, you know, it's it's so interesting, and I'm sure I'm gonna be
• 20:43
  fascinated to listen to all the other speakers, and I'm gonna also share my story.
• 20:47
  But, yeah, when you're, you know, at 1st, you're like, okay.
• 20:50
  Well, I'm getting up.
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  I'm getting dressed.
• 20:51
  I'm doing all these and then you start to realize as you wait through things that are
• 20:56
  very painful at times, that there's another side.
• 20:58
  I often say, you can get the guide like you said.
• 21:02
  And I often my and I would say to people, and, you know, even my coaching or speaking, some
• 21:06
  but sometimes you have to go through that tunnel.
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  That's awfully dark.
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  By yourself knowing that there's gonna be light on the other end.
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  So you can't take everybody with you all the time.
• 21:17
  You need that that support, but that's some point, you gotta walk on your own.
• 21:21
  Yeah.
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  Absolutely.
• 21:22
  And with myself, I could say that I'm it was the best thing that happened to me even though
• 21:27
  it was at the time, it was quite difficult on me, but now I look at, you know, 10 years later
• 21:33
  and the kind of life that I've created for myself and, the things that I've done.
• 21:38
  And, you know, I'm I'm just so grateful, you know, day in, day out for everything that has
• 21:44
  happened, even though it meant a massive ending.
• 21:47
  Yeah.
• 21:47
  They were valuable lessons that, through that tunnel.
• 21:51
  Yeah.
• 21:52
  I still agree.
• 21:53
  I've I've got a little sign right beside my my laptop here that says, Joe is my reason and not
• 21:59
  my excuse.
• 22:00
  And I think so many people and and, again, not to not to minimize what anybody is going
• 22:08
  through.
• 22:09
  You know, there's varying degrees of what we're all going through.
• 22:13
  And whether it what whatever it is you're going through, it's real for you, and it's your
• 22:18
  journey, and I honor and I respect that.
• 22:22
  You know, but what what happened with me was, you know, after Joe had been you know, after he
• 22:28
  had moved into long term care, I spent that was in August of 2019.
• 22:32
  So I spent kind of that fall in winter kind of really working on me, going through the tunnel,
• 22:39
  rebuilding some dreams, like starting to dream again, like, what do I want my life to look
• 22:43
  like what do I want to do moving forward?
• 22:46
  And I was I felt like I was just really getting a handle on that when the pandemic hit.
• 22:52
  Right?
• 22:52
  And I mean, that was that was another whole situation.
• 22:55
  I believe in being very transparent with my audiences you know, that kinda really that
• 23:01
  really set me back for 2 or 3 months.
• 23:04
  Like, I it was like, oh my gosh.
• 23:06
  Like, I don't know.
• 23:07
  I thought I'd been through the worst of the worst or was going through the worst or the
• 23:11
  worst when the pandemic hit.
• 23:14
  But, you know, again, reality sooner or later, we have to face it and and choose.
• 23:19
  This is a big part of what I work on with my clients is, you know, we have way more choices
• 23:25
  in than what we quite often think we do.
• 23:28
  So I still had the choice of, you know, facing the reality of the situation we were in we were
• 23:35
  all globally in, but how was I as a person going to maneuver this?
• 23:40
  And you talked earlier about, you know, people when when when you first got vulnerable and
• 23:47
  whatever, people watching you and that I it's interesting because I had that same revelation
• 23:52
  at the beginning of the journey with Joe that my kids are gonna be watching.
• 23:57
  My grandkids are gonna be watching.
• 23:59
  My friends are gonna be watching are gonna watch how I choose to navigate this.
• 24:04
  And, you know, certainly not to put myself on a pedestal, but I can be the I can be a person
• 24:11
  that they can look to as to how to authentically maneuver through traumatic times
• 24:18
  like that or difficult times like that.
• 24:21
  The ups and the downs, because that's the reality of life.
• 24:24
  We're all experiencing the ups and the downs, but, you know, choosing to get back up again
• 24:31
  and dust yourself off and keep going, that's the point that I got to, you know, 3 or 4
• 24:38
  months in into the pandemic was okay.
• 24:41
  Here I am again.
• 24:42
  Now that I'm cutting back up and I dusting myself a little off But I think, you know, what
• 24:46
  I love about what you're saying is that oftentimes we see the person on when they've
• 24:52
  already risen already.
• 24:55
  We don't see that they, you know, the messy steps and most people, potentially, I can't say
• 25:00
  everybody, aren't willing to share how tough some of those times were in between.
• 25:05
  And because I would say, you know, the average one that I would they would say to me, here,
• 25:08
  Roxanne, I see you on a stage.
• 25:10
  I see you you know, doing all these things, but what's the backstory?
• 25:14
  Like, you went through all this tough time and then you, you know, get got a severance
• 25:19
  package.
• 25:19
  You got assaulted by a complete stranger on the street.
• 25:22
  You went through all that.
• 25:23
  You had a corporate career.
• 25:25
  Then your marriage ended.
• 25:27
  Then you wrote a book.
• 25:29
  Okay.
• 25:29
  Well, it could get back up.
• 25:30
  Let's rewind.
• 25:31
  It's not making sense.
• 25:32
  Right?
• 25:33
  You've lost over some stuff there because people want to know when you are, and I I I'm
• 25:39
  interested in you.
• 25:40
  When you're down, what are you doing?
• 25:42
  What are you doing?
• 25:43
  Because it's not so pretty sometimes.
• 25:45
  Yeah.
• 25:45
  When you're when you're that spot, and and what are some of the core fundamental things that
• 25:49
  you would have done, Patty.
• 25:51
  And I'm sure at times you've gone through it even you went with my went through the
• 25:54
  pandemic.
• 25:55
  What were some of the things that you were just doing for yourself?
• 25:58
  I know you shared some of it with me when we were, you know, on your podcast, but what what
• 26:04
  what did you do, or what do you continue to do, some staples for
• 26:09
  taking the steps?
• 26:10
  Absolutely.
• 26:11
  And I mean, it's it's been an ongoing learning process for me because, you know, this is this
• 26:16
  is a different journey, but one of one of the first things I learned to do was to say no
• 26:24
  without, without feeling bad about it.
• 26:28
  You know, I was very involved in the community.
• 26:31
  I sat on, you know, a couple of I was on a board couple of board of direct I was involved
• 26:36
  in different organizations and stuff like that.
• 26:39
  And, you know, as the journey progressed, you know, there was only so much of me to go around
• 26:43
  and I knew that I couldn't or I came to the revelation that I couldn't do it all right.
• 26:50
  And, you know, so I had to start to pick and choose what my real priorities were with me at
• 26:57
  that time.
• 26:59
  And I wanna emphasize at that time because that doesn't mean that you know, so I came off the
• 27:04
  boards.
• 27:05
  I disengaged from some of the community things that I was involved in.
• 27:11
  For for my own self preservation, I knew that or I was discovering how much more I was gonna
• 27:18
  have to pour into me then I was used to pouring into other people.
• 27:24
  So that was a huge mind shift.
• 27:25
  We talked you talked about you alluded to this earlier about how we just we give and we give
• 27:30
  and we do and we do, but I knew that in order to not go down with the ship, which was one of
• 27:36
  my goals and one of my anchors, which I kept coming back to, that I was gonna have to start
• 27:42
  pouring into me a whole lot more guilt free And that's what I wanna really emphasize is being
• 27:49
  able to do that guilt free.
• 27:51
  We cannot give what we do not have.
• 27:55
  You know, we've all heard you can't give from an empty cup, and I just really started to
• 28:00
  focus on what do I need to do for me to continuously fill my cup.
• 28:05
  And I actually, even at one point, got to the point where I was thinking, what if I could
• 28:10
  fill my cup so full that there was overflow, and I can give from the overflow.
• 28:17
  And that was honestly such a mind shift for me I haven't really mastered that yet.
• 28:23
  There's been a lot going on, but it's something that I continue to think about.
• 28:28
  Like, what if we could fill our up so full that it was overflowing and we could give from the
• 28:34
  overflow.
• 28:35
  We would never be giving from depletion.
• 28:38
  I just
• 28:39
  that's such, you know, it's it's so amazing that you say that because, my son, I remember,
• 28:43
  you know, these these pivotal moments, right, when you're thinking, I I'm I like you.
• 28:48
  I'm quite resilient.
• 28:49
  And so I launched my book 6 years ago, and at my launch, my son spoke.
• 28:54
  And at that time, goodness.
• 28:56
  He was fourteen.
• 28:58
  And, the night before, he's trying to read the the acknowledgements and his voice is shaky.
• 29:03
  And I'm like, sweetheart, you can do it.
• 29:04
  You can do it.
• 29:05
  And then he got up on the podium.
• 29:07
  He was lovely.
• 29:08
  He read the acknowledgements, and he was, you know, he sat up there with me.
• 29:11
  And then on the way home in the car, he said to me, mom, mommy, I wanna let you know this was
• 29:17
  the best night of my life.
• 29:20
  Wow.
• 29:20
  And I was like, okay, did grandma tell you to do that?
• 29:23
  Did grandma grandpa, who, who directed you?
• 29:26
  He goes, Mom, this is all me.
• 29:29
  Right?
• 29:29
  Because but, again, like, when you say people to look at you, right, and to see and ready for
• 29:36
  him.
• 29:36
  He was my main, you know, one of my main anchors to to get through this time.
• 29:42
  And when he said that, I said, I don't care if this book ever does anything or if I do much
• 29:46
  with it, that that made the moment for me because I was trying to teach other women that
• 29:53
  we all replicate things that are sometimes not functional for you but this is the path through
• 29:58
  it.
• 29:58
  As a psychotherapist, I I analyze my own book myself.
• 30:02
  Right.
• 30:02
  And, when RJ said that to me, I was just that was it for me.
• 30:06
  I was, you know, overwhelmed with emotion that I had impacted one of the most, the most
• 30:13
  important people in my life.
• 30:15
  And all so worth it, you know, with a lots of hard work and all those things.
• 30:21
  You know?
• 30:21
  And,
• 30:23
  such a beautiful thing.
• 30:24
  Right?
• 30:25
  Such a beautiful thing.
• 30:26
  And and the reality is we don't really know who all is watching our journey.
• 30:32
  You know, I've been very transparent, through my personal page on Facebook about my, I call
• 30:39
  it my AZ journey.
• 30:40
  And, you know, after the amount of time that I've been posting periodically about that, the
• 30:46
  people that and I am not doing it to get any accolades.
• 30:51
  I'm doing it to raise awareness of the situation and what the reality of the situation
• 30:56
  really looks like.
• 30:58
  But the impact, the ripple effect is is happening.
• 31:02
  Right?
• 31:03
  And when we choose to walk our journey the best that we can possibly walk it.
• 31:11
  It will have that.
• 31:12
  It's well, good or good, bad or ugly, it's gonna have a ripple effect.
• 31:16
  So when we choose to walk it as best we possibly can, we can have the kind of impact
• 31:21
  that we really wanna have.
• 31:22
  And that kinda leads me into something else that kinda popped into my mind that I'd like to
• 31:26
  share just briefly is about comparison.
• 31:29
  Because comparison is something else that I really had to work on not getting caught up in
• 31:36
  because I'm finding myself in a situation where I'm, you know, doing less and less with my work
• 31:43
  through this journey.
• 31:46
  And my my friends and colleagues are like, you know, rising, professional women rising.
• 31:52
  They're doing the rising piece, and I was having to do the step back and, you know, not
• 31:58
  do some of the achievements that I was looking forward to and and and make some of those
• 32:03
  difficult choices But when I, you know, part of the mindset that I had to really work on and
• 32:09
  I'm in the midst of doing my neuro coaching certification so that I can just bring my
• 32:14
  clients to a whole another level with their transformation and my own personal
• 32:18
  transformation, you know, but what I came to realize was, you know, I'm running my own race.
• 32:26
  I'm walking my own journey.
• 32:29
  I'm desiring and choosing to be authentically me.
• 32:36
  And I wanna be the best me that I can possibly be and that doesn't mean looking at somebody
• 32:44
  else and and and wishing I could be doing that but looking at somebody else and cheering them
• 32:51
  on and being authentically happy and supportive for what they're achieving I think there's so
• 32:58
  much, you know, like bullying and all that kind of stuff out there that if we can really focus
• 33:06
  on walking our own journey and being the best that we can possibly be, then there's so much
• 33:12
  room to really be that cheer leader, be that encourager, you know, genuinely be happy for
• 33:19
  other people when they reach successes or, you know, whatever they're doing and whatever in
• 33:25
  whatever way, but I I think it's let's talk a little bit about, you know, culturalization of
• 33:32
  women.
• 33:33
  And, you know, we're the nurturers, you know, developmentally.
• 33:37
  We're supposed to go through certain things.
• 33:40
  And, you know, and then you get to the points and then a lot of the women, and, again, my
• 33:44
  stage and change was around 44.
• 33:48
  And, you know, all of a sudden, you know, you've you've done the schooling.
• 33:51
  You've you've met the husband.
• 33:53
  You know, you've got the home.
• 33:55
  You've got the career.
• 33:57
  Got the child of children.
• 33:59
  And then it's like, okay.
• 34:01
  Now what?
• 34:03
  Absolutely.
• 34:03
  Right.
• 34:04
  So if your if your values aren't in alignment, which what happened with me at that stage.
• 34:08
  And I I kept I kept compartmentalizing.
• 34:11
  I kept thinking, you know, this, you know, this all these parts of my life were good, and then
• 34:15
  there was one that wasn't so I'd shove it away and shove it away until there was no There was
• 34:20
  no negotiating.
• 34:21
  It was like, hello, world.
• 34:23
  Here you go.
• 34:24
  Hello, Roxanne.
• 34:25
  Are you there?
• 34:26
  And then I had to wake up and and live it.
• 34:29
  And but a lot of little girls, and not not that little boys don't learn it as much, but, Dave,
• 34:34
  we know there's such a difference in, in the way we, a culturally children, a lot of women
• 34:40
  forego the things that you're talking about, which is listening to what they really need to
• 34:46
  do because of their roles, And, you know, what have have you what have you filed with some of
• 34:51
  the women that you've been coaching?
• 34:52
  And does that make sense that a lot of them sometimes maybe potentially put some of the
• 34:57
  things that they need on the back burner.
• 34:59
  So much.
• 35:00
  That makes so much sense, Roxanne, and that's exactly a great segue into That's where that's
• 35:06
  where my summit came from.
• 35:09
  Like, you know, there's what I'm seeing in my coaching practice is there's so many women
• 35:15
  that, you know, they they have all the exterior.
• 35:18
  They've achieved all this stuff.
• 35:20
  They've achieved all the exterior stuff, but there's this inner knowing there's this inner
• 35:25
  nudge that's, you know, maybe not constantly, but it's popping up periodically going like, is
• 35:30
  this it?
• 35:31
  Have I arrived?
• 35:32
  Is this all there is?
• 35:33
  Like, what I have is great, but I'm not feeling fulfilled personally.
• 35:40
  I don't feel like at my core essence.
• 35:43
  I'm living authentically me and my life, and and that's you know, that's exactly where the
• 35:51
  idea for this summit came from, you know, a master class series to go from.
• 35:54
  I know there's more to light to living fully and boldly.
• 35:57
  So you know, my my whole goal with the with the summit and I fight each and every one of you.
• 36:03
  This is a free summit and there is 20 one incredible, amazing international speakers that
• 36:11
  are pouring their heart and soul into you about how to how they've maneuvered through this,
• 36:16
  sharing their story and their tips and whatever and and how to do this.
• 36:19
  So it's I'm so excited about it.
• 36:23
  But the but that's where it came from because, you know, I I was at that point and I see that
• 36:28
  a lot in my clients that they have all the interior successes or, you know, have have had
• 36:36
  multiple achievements, but there's still that inner there's something that's going like
• 36:41
  There's gotta be more.
• 36:43
  There's gotta be more.
• 36:43
  There's still something missing because they've given so many of those pieces of themselves
• 36:48
  away to others.
• 36:50
  And they haven't poured into even maybe even figuring out, like, what are my core values?
• 36:57
  What are my core needs?
• 36:58
  Like, what really matters to me.
• 37:00
  And that's something that I work on a lot with my clients is, you know, discovering what that
• 37:05
  is and you know, creating the life that they really want built around those because when we
• 37:13
  create the life built around what really matters to us, what values are, what our needs
• 37:18
  are, and the things that, you know, we know in our hearts what really matters to us if we
• 37:24
  spend the time really digging into that.
• 37:26
  And if we can live our life from that place, not striving from it or for it, but living from
• 37:34
  that place, then it doesn't really matter so much about all the other accolades or all the
• 37:41
  other achievements because we're living from that fulfillment which is, you know, I believe
• 37:48
  one of the reasons that we're here on this earth is is to live the best life possible that
• 37:53
  we can and and grow into the best version of ourselves that we possibly can so that we can
• 37:59
  be the person to give our best.
• 38:02
  And I
• 38:02
  think it's almost like a metamorphic shift that all of us go through.
• 38:06
  And but sometimes with women, maybe men do it in a different way because they don't have some
• 38:11
  of the constraints.
• 38:12
  But it's almost like you get to this this calling that says, you know, I mean, whether
• 38:17
  it's a shift in at home or it's a shift at work or it's a shift in community, and that's, you
• 38:22
  know, I don't think everybody's gonna go off and maybe potentially you know, change
• 38:27
  everything about their life, but sometimes it's the internal tweakings because you're getting
• 38:31
  the beckoning throughout, you know, it's like, you're not I don't know about over here or what
• 38:35
  about this or, you know, the those cues are constantly around you and the same with me when
• 38:40
  I coach people.
• 38:41
  It's like, you know, how are you, you know, if you could listen to that deep down voice, what
• 38:46
  would that voice say back to
• 38:48
  you?
• 38:48
  Yes.
• 38:50
  Right?
• 38:50
  And I think that's sounds like that's what the summit is gonna share all these fantastic,
• 38:55
  stories and all these amazing women.
• 38:57
  And I look, I look forward to being able to to hear, all the things that, these amazing
• 39:04
  speakers will share.
• 39:05
  So Patty, for anyone that is wanting to connect with you, learn more about you.
• 39:11
  We will be putting the, link for for the summit, in the podcast notes where can people
• 39:17
  reach you and any last words before I let you go?
• 39:21
  Yeah.
• 39:21
  Well, first of all, I'll I'll be honest.
• 39:23
  I'm in the midst of doing a transition between two websites So what I'm gonna share is is my
• 39:28
  email.
• 39:28
  If there's something that's connecting with you that resonates with you and you would like to
• 39:33
  just chosen and have a chat or connecting in some way.
• 39:37
  My email is Patty, pattiat kinnergyleadership.com, and that's
• 39:43
  kinergyleadership.com, that website is still up and it'll give you some insight to me, but, you
• 39:51
  know, there's a whole shift going on in my life.
• 39:53
  So I'm I'm in the midst of some transition with that.
• 39:57
  But some final words, you know, like, I just really encourage you, like, we've, again, I
• 40:04
  feel we've had a real opportunity in the last year in the pandemic to slow down.
• 40:09
  And the final words that I kinda wanna lead every leave everybody with is is to to honor
• 40:16
  that slowdown and intentionally slow down so that we can speed up because until we get slow
• 40:25
  and quiet and just be and and have that time with our self to really get to know ourself and
• 40:31
  start to dig into what really does matter to me.
• 40:35
  You know, like, what what difference do I really want to make in this world?
• 40:39
  And it doesn't have to be big and mammoth and thousands of people.
• 40:44
  You know, it can be like I wanna be the best mom that I possibly can be or whatever that is
• 40:50
  for you.
• 40:50
  It all matters.
• 40:52
  You matter and it all matters.
• 40:54
  So, you know, taking that time to to slow down to really dig into to what matters to you and
• 41:02
  and think about, like, I mean, just get your dreaming hat on, like, throw all the
• 41:07
  inhibitions away.
• 41:08
  And if I could really dream about the life that I want to live, what would that really look
• 41:15
  like?
• 41:16
  And and don't worry about the house at this point in time.
• 41:21
  Just focus on what would that look like What would it feel like?
• 41:24
  What would it look like?
• 41:25
  What would I hear?
• 41:26
  What would I smell?
• 41:27
  What would I taste?
• 41:27
  Like, use all your senses to really get in I love to use the analogy of you have to pull an
• 41:33
  arrow back to be able to let it go to the bull's eye.
• 41:36
  So that's kind of what I'm talking about here.
• 41:38
  Taking that time for yourself, that little step back to really dig into what matters to you so
• 41:45
  that you can really design the life that you want to live and work through starting to make
• 41:52
  that happen for you.
• 41:54
  Patty, thanks so much for your time.
• 41:56
  I'm sure everyone listening has gained so much today.
• 42:00
  And please sign in and, sign up for this the summit you, I, one of the speakers and, with,
• 42:08
  you know, additional 19, 20 other amazing women.
• 42:13
  And for anyone that's wanting to know more about authentic relationships either at home or
• 42:18
  at work, you can reach me at roxanderhodge.com.
• 42:22
  Thanks for tuning in to authentic living with Roxanne, creating the space for positive
• 42:28
  healthy chains.
• 42:29
  Roxanne is a keynote speaker, psychotherapist, and coach to work with Roxanne, visit Roxanne
• 42:36
  Derhodge dotcom/blueprint.
• 42:39
  We'll see you next time on authentic living with Roxanne.