Latest / The Diva Details / Embracing the New Chapter: Love, Respect, and Self-Discovery

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Embracing the New Chapter: Love, Respect, and Self-Discovery · The Diva Details

• 0:00
  Welcome to the Diva Details. Welcome to the Diva Details.
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  Where bold, confident women embrace life unapologetically.
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  From love and sex to wellness and reinvention. We keep it raw, real and powerful.
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  No filters, no limits. Just fearless conversations to help you thrive.
• 0:23
  Let's dive in with Diva Mia and Diva Cat.
• 0:32
  Well hello diva cat hello diva
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  mia how are you today i'm good weekend was
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  great i know it was so nice it's so nice
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  and also today i'm like thunderstorm coming back i know you gotta watch this
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  crazy weather sometimes right so today i thought we could get back to how to
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  find love after you've been single for a while whether you went through the
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  death of a spouse or a divorce or just a breakup and you've been single for a while.
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  Okay, let's hear it. Well, you know, I started out with the dating apps.
• 1:04
  Yeah, yeah. I did. And I've also dated a few exes. Okay.
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  And, you know, it's just different. I mean, going back to exes is fun.
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  Uh-huh. I don't know if it's the right thing to do or not. Uh-huh.
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  But the dating apps is fun, too, somewhat. And I don't know if that's the right
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  thing or not. And then we also did talk about matchmaking with friends.
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  Well, yeah, see? But in my town, those that don't exist, I never really get back on.
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  And we just do, you know, matching from friends. Friends introduce us.
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  Friends matchmaking, yeah. Right.
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  And I think it's important to know when to date, too.
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  Like, you shouldn't date to just, like, distract yourself from pain.
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  I think you should only start dating when, well, seriously dating anyway,
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  when you're over the pain and you feel healed.
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  Right. You got to take care of yourself first. You do. You do.
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  You did a good job, though. Yeah, I do a good job.
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  Well, you know, when you feel abandoned or betrayed or you still have some codependency,
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  I think it's a dangerous time to date.
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  I think you can date when you can go out and have fun and not think about your
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  ex at all or your spouse or your ex-boyfriend or whatever it was. Yes.
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  It's a good time to date when you go out and you just have fun and you don't think about him at all.
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  That means you are ready. I think so, too.
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  I don't think I talked about my ex once.
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  I know. I don't think I even, even when she was, even when our friend was goading
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  me a little bit, I didn't say anything.
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  So, yeah. That's amazing. You, you've been cured. I've been cured.
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  But I think I reconnected with myself pretty deeply, though.
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  Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. And I think a year and a half is more than enough time.
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  But you, I had to say, though, you came out very quickly. A year and a half.
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  Oh, you didn't see me right after. I was a mess.
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  But I'm great now. Yeah. But some people take,
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  More than five years. I know. Well, they're not me.
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  Yeah, so. I did a lot of therapy and journaling and, you know.
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  Yeah. And I went out a lot by myself. Yeah. And I think that's empowering, too.
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  I think that's crucial to rediscover yourself and just find pleasure and love yourself.
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  Mm-hmm. And when you do that, then I think you heal faster. Yeah.
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  So you need to be clearer, I think, too, on what you're looking for.
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  Definitely. And here's the thing. I think it changes as we get older.
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  Oh, yes. Yes. You know, when you're younger, you're looking for the guy that everybody likes.
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  You're looking for the guy that everybody thinks is good looking. Right.
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  You're looking for the guy that everybody thinks is, you know,
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  the life of the party. Uh-huh.
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  And when you get older, you don't really want the life of the party anymore.
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  I think when you get older, like my husband and I, we're content just by ourselves.
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  Yeah. I think because we're older, too. Yeah. You want a guy that's respectful.
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  Yeah. That treats you with respect, that treats you with kindness, maybe chivalrous. Yes.
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  And you want a guy that is good to you.
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  I know. I think, like you said, in the 30s, you always have to go out,
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  have fun, find the people, you have to find something to do all the time.
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  But at this day and age, I don't know, we get older and in this age, I'm comfortable.
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  We're just comfortable, just be home. Yeah. And I loved it, you know?
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  So you're looking for someone to be a partner that maybe you want to be a homebody with. Right.
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  At this age, yeah. Those party days are over for me. Party days are over.
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  So you don't want the guy that's out there drinking it up at the bar.
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  You want somebody that you can Netflix and chill with.
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  Yeah, you're 50. You're 50, yeah. Or even 40s. 40s, 50s, 60s.
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  You know, you're looking for an emotionally mature person, I think, now.
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  Yeah, yeah. Somebody that you're comfortable just to, like.
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  Cuddle in the couch and watch Netflix. You know, I used to want somebody that
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  had potential, but now I don't. I don't want any more projects.
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  You and your project. No more projects. I have so many projects I want to do
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  around the house. I don't want a man that's a project. Right.
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  And I think I also am looking for someone with a growth mindset.
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  Right. You know, here's the thing. I think about 80% of the people do not have a growth mindset.
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  Only about 20% of the people out there really truly can
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  say they have a growth mindset and a growth mindset is someone that
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  is not a victim okay that is out there
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  doing stuff that is someone that is not constantly calling you and complaining
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  about their day telling you how rough it is texting you what they had to go
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  through i can't stand it's somebody that is you know confident uh-huh masculine
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  yeah and is there to support you.
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  But don't think that you get to have a weak mindset if you're going to go after
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  someone that's got a growth mindset. I know.
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  Because you have to not be a victim. You have to be strong-willed and you have
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  to have matured emotionally yourself.
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  Yeah. I think it's someone constantly texting you how bad, how good the day went.
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  It's just looking for sympathy and attention.
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  They're looking for validation. I like it when I get texts and saying,
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  hey, I'm having a great day.
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  How's your day right but if somebody's sitting there texting
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  me oh it's terrible today oh this terrible thing it's like
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  okay you need to work on you yeah you're not ready to
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  date uh-huh you need to go work on you right because people that have a growth
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  mindset they number one thing is they are responsible for their lives and they
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  take accountability and when things are going shitty because everybody goes
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  through shit right when things are going shitty they take a step back Maybe they go internally.
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  I mean, when I have shit going, hitting the fan, I don't put my shit on other
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  people. Oh, no, no, no. I very rarely tell people. I, like, go inward.
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  I mean, I didn't even tell my friends I was in the hospital until I had to.
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  Right. I go inward, and I just focus on healing myself. Yeah.
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  I didn't call you when I got out of the hospital complaining every day how much
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  pain I was in. No. You didn't even know.
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  Yeah. But I knew you didn't clean. Well, but that's the thing.
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  I was like, okay, if you're looking externally, right?
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  To fix yourself, even when you're in pain and you're like, oh,
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  somebody's got to take care of me. Somebody's got to help me.
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  I'm sorry, but the only person that's responsible for you is you.
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  And you can have support friends, but you can't lean on them for everything.
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  Yeah. And you really need to be, you need to warm it up, if you will.
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  You need to get a little tougher.
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  Get a little tough. Because if you can be strong and accountable for you,
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  you're going to find the person that in the worst of times will be there for
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  you. but you shouldn't be relying on them.
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  It's kind of like crying wolf. You shouldn't be relying on them for every little thing.
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  Oh, yeah. You need to be on your own. You need to be able to stand on your own. Right.
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  Because if you cry wolf and complain and you're a victim and everything going
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  wrong and you're poor, like... That gets all quick. Nobody wants you. Yeah, nobody wants you.
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  Well, actually, you will find a person that wants you and it'll be another person
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  that is a project that is also a victim.
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  Yeah, you don't want a project anymore, do you? No. No, you're done.
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  Emotional maturity means you've evolved to a state of taking responsibility
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  and accountability for your life. All the good, bad, and ugly that's happened. Yeah.
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  And again, I always tell people the bad is the time you learn.
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  The bad is when you get those great lessons in life that make you a better person. Make you stronger.
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  Right. So once you become emotionally mature, then you can get out there and date. Right.
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  And you can date by online dating.
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  You can date by asking friends. Or, I mean, I guess you could go to a bar,
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  but you're going to get somebody that's a drinker.
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  Yeah. And I like the networking sites lately. A lot of people have been telling
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  me about these different networking things.
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  And some of them, there's different groups that are happening that you actually
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  have to join, like meet up and things.
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  And then there's other groups that you have to get approved to get into.
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  Okay. And people are meeting people in these types of groups as well.
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  Oh, all those social. Social things. Yeah. Yeah.
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  Social networking events where you actually go and meet people.
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  Yeah. And then you could do a matchmaker. Right.
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  Those only last an hour. So you know, you know, it's good or bad.
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  And there's speed dating and all kinds of things that you could do.
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  But I think it's easier now to meet people.
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  It's just a question of how do you meet quality people? Yes.
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  That's why matchmaking, I think, is good. If you're fluent, if you can do a
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  matchmaker, I think that's a good way to go, too.
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  But only when you're emotionally ready to take the next step.
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  Don't hire a matchmaker if you don't want to get married. Because the people
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  hiring matchmakers are in it to find a partner.
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  A partner. Whether they're going to get married or just have a life partner,
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  they're in it to find a partner, a forever partner. Yeah.
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  I think when you're ready, you'll know. When you're ready, you'll know. Yeah.
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  And there's so many easy ways to find dates these days that you don't have to push.
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  No, you don't need to push. You don't need to do much, I don't think.
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  I think all of my dates lately have either been from a dating app or from...
• 10:12
  Past ex-boyfriend from college or high school. How does an ex-boyfriend go?
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  The ex-boyfriends were fun. Okay. Yeah. We're not going to go there.
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  You're not going there. Okay. No, they were good.
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  Yeah. They were good.
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  You know, the nice thing about going out with an ex, I will say,
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  is there's a certain level of comfort.
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  Yeah, like you knew each other. We knew each other. And you know what?
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  I mean, we changed. Yeah, for sure. But when you know each other in a deep level
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  or a deep way, there's a connection that you're not going to find on a first
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  date with another person. Yeah.
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  Because on a first date, you don't know anything about the other person.
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  I mean, you might have texted and talked on the phone and you think you know
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  stuff, but you really don't. Right.
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  And it's interesting learning people again.
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  It's challenging, though. Oh, it's hard. Is it? Yeah.
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  At this age, getting to know people deeply is challenging.
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  I see, yeah. And when you have children, it's even more challenging.
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  I see. Like younger children like I have. Right. And the other side also have the children, too.
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  Oh, sometimes the other side has children, too, and it makes it even more challenging.
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  The Brady, the, oh, you could be the Brady Bunch.
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  It works. The Brady Bunch, yeah. We could be the Brady Bunch,
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  but no, I, I just, I find it.
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  Meshing a family together like that one thing you need to think of when you
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  start dating again is if you get married are you going to merge families and
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  and there's times where you're dating and you have young children and they don't
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  or they have young children and you don't,
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  and the young children don't like your choice of a new partner yes i agree i've
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  heard a lot of people that say that not to mix families.
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  That wait till the kids are out of school if they're close enough.
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  Oh, wow. Because it's a lot to bring a partner into a family dynamic.
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  Yeah. I don't even recommend introducing a potential partner for six months.
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  I think if they are little, little, that will be easier.
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  Or either that, they're out of house. In between age, that's when the middle
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  school and the high school age.
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  The middle and high school is difficult. Although if they're close to high school,
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  you'd only have two or three years or four years to wait.
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  But it is challenging. And here's the thing.
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  If let's say it was a divorce or death of a spouse or just a guy that was around
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  for a while, you're bringing a new man or a new woman into a household.
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  And that person is going to have to bend their personality a lot in order to
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  make sure that they don't offend the child. And then there's the question of, you know, discipline.
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  Right. I came from a mixed family, too.
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  Because my dad passed away when I was young. And then my mom remarried again.
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  Did she take you into consideration before she married?
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  Yeah, she talked to all of us, yeah. And then my stepdad also had five kids of his own.
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  Oh, my goodness. So it was a total mesh of a family.
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  Right. But the good thing is we live in different continents.
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  That's why we talk, we keep in touch. But now it seems like we're all here together. Yeah, I think,
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  The time that we're here together, right now we are older, so we don't have
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  those drama. But did you have drama when you were growing up because of the mixed family?
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  No, we don't because we live in a different country. So that makes a big difference. Gotcha. Yeah.
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  Well, I think when you mix families, you have to be careful.
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  Oh, yeah. The thing is, is that a lot of people will find that,
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  let's say a man comes into your household and he wants to discipline your children.
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  Some women don't like the way men discipline their children. and
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  some women are okay and then some men don't like
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  the way the woman disciplines the children yeah and
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  then some men are okay i mean it depends yes actually some
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  of them break up after that because a lot of
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  people will break up yeah when they're dating someone new
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  when they introduce them to the family because it's just not a match it's
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  not a match and then you have to remember if you're
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  dating someone new and you already have your own kid you're
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  always going to be the primary for your kid yeah i agree with
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  that yeah i think if a woman has a strong just
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  like i i love my children right oh my
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  children are very close right but i also have a strong
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  disciplinary like they know not to
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  get out of line right and my kids are really good you've seen
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  them yeah and they're very respectful i would
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  like to bring a man in that teaches them how to be manly
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  and how to be chivalrous better than i
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  can but i think i should be
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  the primary for discipline and i shouldn't be putting that on
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  a partner a partner no yeah i totally agree
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  you should be the primary because now and i.
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  Don't know if i would get upset if if a
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  partner disciplined my children but it would depend on
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  how extreme they were right because like i don't
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  ever hit my children and i don't ever abuse my children
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  and i discipline but i discipline that the discipline
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  i set is within reason yeah and if i brought
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  someone in they might over the top discipline right
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  so then you have to have that conversation when you're dating as well yeah oh
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  yeah definitely yes see the challenge i mean when you date and you have children
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  it's almost like not only do you need to find a man partner for you but you
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  also need to find a man that would be good fit for your children,
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  and that's the challenge oh yeah yeah i
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  feel really i feel really difficult for
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  the men and women nowadays it's challenging to
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  be mixed family it is and then you have the teenagers
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  that don't want to pay attention to you anyway right they don't want to get
• 15:57
  your face yeah you know my my son said mom you're not going to remarry until
• 16:02
  i'm out of high school is this really he laid down the law he's like well you're
• 16:06
  not getting remarried i go honey that's not for you to say right but thank you
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  for your input but he doesn't want me to.
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  I think it was a teenager stage. Well, here's the problem.
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  By the time he gets out of high school, my other one will be going into high
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  school. You see, next thing you know, you'll be too old. I know.
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  So you're never too old. Never too old. I know. I take that back.
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  You're never too old. Never too old.
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  You do need to realize that they are going to have a strong opinion.
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  Yeah. And you have to take that into consideration.
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  Yeah. You're never too old to fall off. I know why. Because my mom in nursing
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  home right now. The 75-year-old and the 80-years-old, they so much in love to
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  meet each other in the nestling home.
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  Remember, my dad got married after 14 days.
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  I know. You can find love again. You see, I take that back.
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  So the big thing, though, is to respect yourself.
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  Respect your partner. Respect your limits.
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  And don't put someone in a situation that you know is not going to work.
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  For instance, I dated guys where their places were meticulous.
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  And super clean and you could tell they've
• 17:15
  been a bachelor and bringing them
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  into my house where i have dogs and
• 17:21
  cats and kids and i have a
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  i keep my house decent but i'm not meticulous anymore
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  i can't be i will be once my kids are gone when those dogs are gone you got
• 17:31
  three big dogs i have three big dogs so and three cats thanks for telling everybody
• 17:37
  my my zoo situation so she's And I have frogs and turtles and fish and ants,
• 17:44
  too. We have ants. Ants are part of the family now, too.
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  We have an ant collection. So, yes, we have a zoo here.
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  But once they're gone, things will be more meticulous because I used to live
• 17:55
  very meticulously before the children, I will say.
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  So that you have to realize there are men that can't handle the chaos of what
• 18:04
  a family is like, especially if their children are grown. Right.
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  I, oh my God, I agree. So introducing someone into that chaos is, would be a challenge.
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  And I don't like to change people. And I wouldn't want to put anyone in a situation
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  they don't feel comfortable in.
• 18:21
  Well, I'll tell you something. I always be a mess.
• 18:24
  You're always, yeah, you're always a mess. I'm always a mess.
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  But your, your husband found you a mess.
• 18:29
  You haven't changed. You've been a mess the whole time. And he accepted my mess.
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  And he loves your messiness.
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  Right. Well, he may not love it, but he's, he endures it.
• 18:37
  Yeah. He accepted it. And he's in the men still fold the underwear the way coming
• 18:43
  out from the package. Yes. He's very meticulous.
• 18:47
  But he accepts my mess. And he accepts your messiness. And that's fine.
• 18:50
  But you've been married for a while.
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  I'm talking about dating someone that is living in their perfect little peaceful
• 19:00
  harmony. And I love peace.
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  Don't get me wrong. I have peace, but I make my own peace in every situation
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  because I have children.
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  And I they have their own peace and
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  their own joy and I have my own peace and joy over here even though it's chaotic
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  yeah and I get that my life is a little chaotic and rushed and because I'm running
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  around always I mean when I'm not working and doing stuff for me I'm doing stuff
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  for the kids in the household and then you have the challenge when you're dating of finding time,
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  because when you're running around with the kids from drop-off,
• 19:34
  pick-up, drop-off, pick-up on top of working full-time, on top of taking care of your self-care,
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  now you got to add a man into that.
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  That man better be flexible and he better be supportive because he's not going
• 19:49
  to be another one for you to take care of.
• 19:51
  No, I can't take a project. I don't need more projects. Yeah.
• 19:54
  No, but they have to be understanding that your schedule is not your own yet. Right, right.
• 19:58
  Yeah, they need to understand that. And they need to kind of,
• 20:01
  whenever you have availability, be able to weave in and out.
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  Yeah, especially you. You have your kids full time. I do.
• 20:07
  You know? I have my kids full time. Yeah, so whoever that walked into your life
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  at this stage, they need to be very, very understandable for that.
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  I know, and that's hard to find.
• 20:20
  On top of the fact that they have to be freaking awesome to be with me.
• 20:24
  I'm telling you, there's always someone for someone. God always gives you the right person.
• 20:29
  I'm telling you, you just need to open your heart, open your ear, open your eyes.
• 20:34
  All right, I'm looking. I'm looking. All right. So you need to make sure you're
• 20:38
  respectful of you, respectful of them.
• 20:41
  I say at this age, you should not be playing games.
• 20:45
  No, no playing game and no hiding corner. You know what I mean?
• 20:48
  What do you mean hiding? Like, lay it out on the table.
• 20:51
  Yeah, don't hide or lie. Yeah. If you're hiding and lying dating, here's the thing.
• 20:57
  If I find out you're lying to me while we're dating or hiding shit while we're dating, we're done.
• 21:02
  Yeah. I was with a spouse that lied. I don't want that S-H-I-T anymore.
• 21:08
  I don't want that shit anymore. So I think. I won't put up with it. Yeah.
• 21:13
  You agree or not? Like, you're just first dating, right? You should be truthful
• 21:16
  to each other. You should not hide.
• 21:18
  Like, a trip you're going to take with your girlfriend, you should be able to
• 21:21
  tell them. Oh, yeah. Right? Absolutely.
• 21:23
  Yeah. Like, something wrong with you, you should be able to tell them.
• 21:27
  Yeah, if you have health issues, you should disclose that.
• 21:31
  Right? Well, maybe not right up front, but before you start dating them,
• 21:35
  they should know. Right. Because they may not want to date you. Right.
• 21:38
  Regardless, you know, you have a financial issue or whatever,
• 21:42
  but you're tripping your friend. You should go to tell your...
• 21:45
  Whoever you're dating that you can you do it right away yeah
• 21:48
  you should tell them you're going on trips you should also be honest
• 21:51
  whether you're dating other people why you should be honest
• 21:54
  whether you're ready to get married yeah you should be honest whether
• 21:56
  you're ever wanting to get married because some people they
• 21:59
  come out of a divorce they come out of the death of a spouse and they
• 22:03
  want to date but they just do that because they want to
• 22:05
  spend time with people they don't want to get married again yeah and especially you
• 22:09
  if you're gonna plan to be with
• 22:11
  this person you should be able to not hiding
• 22:14
  anything yes and don't let
• 22:18
  talk about who you are reveal yourself don't
• 22:22
  future fake and what a future fake is is where you talk about the future with
• 22:27
  someone that you have no intention of actually performing and there are people
• 22:32
  out there that make promises and they'll say oh we should go to italy together
• 22:36
  soon or oh we should take a trip to the Alps,
• 22:40
  or we should go to Florida, or we should go to Mexico, or wherever.
• 22:43
  Or, oh, I would love to spend the weekend with you. And then they cancel.
• 22:47
  And I've had that in my dating, where I've had a person make promises to go
• 22:52
  somewhere, and then they cancel.
• 22:54
  Or say they want to be with me, and then they cancel.
• 22:58
  And I don't know if it's insecurity, if it's fear of attachment.
• 23:03
  I don't know if it's just future faking or lying. But it's a red flag to me.
• 23:09
  And if somebody tells me they're going to show up and they don't, I don't trust them.
• 23:14
  And if it happens more than once, I don't really want to be with them.
• 23:19
  And so don't fantasize, you know, don't make these future fantasies about what
• 23:24
  you're going to do with somebody or make promises you're not going to keep.
• 23:27
  Because that's lying, as far as I can say. That goes both ways,
• 23:31
  though. It goes both ways.
• 23:32
  And then on your own, don't fantasize about a future that doesn't exist just
• 23:37
  because you dated a couple people.
• 23:39
  Uh-huh. And don't become a stalker.
• 23:42
  Uh-huh. Because there's lots of people out there. Oh, my God.
• 23:45
  There are so—and I, you know, I'm in my 50s. And they say, oh,
• 23:50
  it's hard to date in your 50s. I say BS.
• 23:52
  No, no, no. I call bullshit bullshit. Right. Because I'm not finding it very hard to date.
• 23:57
  And there's so many people out there i could go out with and what i'm finding is how to.
• 24:03
  Eliminate the creepoids because there's some creepy people out there
• 24:06
  there's some people that you message once
• 24:08
  and they are like like i messaged a guy one
• 24:11
  time and he friended me on facebook friend of me on instagram started
• 24:14
  online stalking me all over the place messaging me
• 24:17
  every morning and night and i'd only messaged him.
• 24:20
  Once and i had like 10 messages and that's
• 24:23
  a little much yeah and I had to I unfriended him
• 24:26
  because it was it was becoming creepy and stalking
• 24:29
  and I blocked him on everything because I was just like dude I
• 24:33
  messaged you once and now you're like asking me you
• 24:35
  know what my favorite position is and what my favorite I
• 24:38
  mean I was like creeped out it was gross and scary and
• 24:42
  it was too much that's the
• 24:46
  hard part is keep the creeps away while you
• 24:49
  know entertaining the people that are decent and then
• 24:52
  trying to find from that decent pool of people
• 24:55
  uh-huh the the ones that are exceptional and
• 24:58
  then from the exceptional ones then finding your wand because there
• 25:01
  are plenty there's hundreds of people out there that maybe
• 25:04
  thousands in my age group that i could entertain that
• 25:07
  is scary though it is scary you gotta stay away from the
• 25:10
  stalkers yeah yeah because the
• 25:13
  stalkers always lead to accept obsession it
• 25:16
  does right yeah it does i've seen in movie yes
• 25:19
  i also think that you shouldn't rush
• 25:23
  intimacy even at our
• 25:25
  age yeah totally agree now
• 25:29
  everybody has different ideas of rushing
• 25:32
  but chemistry doesn't mean you're going to be compatible and here's the other
• 25:37
  thing i've realized you can have sexual chemistry you can have emotional chemistry
• 25:42
  you can have financial chemistry or compatibility you can have you know physical
• 25:46
  but it's it's challenging to find all in one person.
• 25:50
  Like, do they do you physically connect? Like, do you like the way they look?
• 25:54
  Wow. Is different than do you have sexual chemistry?
• 25:58
  Because you could not like the way they look.
• 26:01
  And get really turned on by them. Huh, how that works.
• 26:09
  Well. What are you trying to beat race? Well, Diva Cat.
• 26:12
  Well, we talk about detail, right? We're talking about details.
• 26:15
  You could be like, okay, they're okay physically.
• 26:18
  I may not like the way they look physically, but when they kiss you,
• 26:22
  you're sexually turned on.
• 26:25
  Oh, I see. And you get wet, if you want the details, from kissing them.
• 26:30
  Or you get it's just passionate like butterfly like butterflies like passionate
• 26:37
  kissing see there's a sexual chemistry there and i'm not saying you've had sex
• 26:42
  already but you can tell from kissing a person if you have a sexual chemistry
• 26:46
  so when you go out on these dates,
• 26:48
  some people don't say say don't kiss on the first date i'm all about kissing
• 26:52
  on the first date because I don't want a second date if I don't like the way they kiss. Right.
• 26:58
  And if I don't kiss a person on the first date, the first date really sucked.
• 27:04
  Right. And I definitely don't want a first date.
• 27:06
  So, like, if I'm willing to kiss you at the end of a first date,
• 27:10
  I think it's because the first date went well.
• 27:13
  And that's kind of like the cherry on top to determine whether I want a second date.
• 27:17
  I see. Does that make sense? Yeah. So, like, I'll give a person a hug or a handshake
• 27:24
  at the end of a date if that was it.
• 27:27
  Yeah. So, it might be, like, in your eyes. It might be, like,
• 27:30
  he's just okay looking. He's okay. But he could turn on. But, boy, that kiss.
• 27:34
  Oh, okay. That's defined. There's actually something that kiss.
• 27:37
  I mean, that, you know, when they kiss you, if they can make you,
• 27:42
  give you butterflies or turn you on, there's something there.
• 27:46
  I've had people that the first date went okay, and then they kiss me and they turn me off.
• 27:52
  And even though you're attracted by the way they look?
• 27:56
  I was attracted intellectually because they were super smart. Okay.
• 28:00
  I was attracted kind of emotionally, although they looked a little still traumatized
• 28:06
  from their last relationship. But it was workable.
• 28:09
  And I was physically and sexually attracted to them.
• 28:13
  From talking to them on the phone I thought and then
• 28:17
  I kissed them and odor for
• 28:20
  me is a big thing if you have body odor it's a no-no oh no yeah
• 28:23
  kissing if you make my face wet it's a no-no don't
• 28:27
  don't don't slobber all over my face yeah no I mean everybody's different some
• 28:30
  people may like the slobber who knows but if after kissing them it does I don't
• 28:36
  go on a second date yeah and I had one guy like pin me up against a car and
• 28:41
  I mean it was what I was supposed to be a pet kiss,
• 28:44
  and he ended up making it a makeout session with my face, and I had to pull away.
• 28:49
  I gave him a hug and said, I'm not into PDAs in a parking lot in front of children
• 28:53
  because there were children nearby.
• 28:55
  Yeah. And I was like, oh, my gosh. And it was, I mean, I gave him a quick peck
• 29:00
  goodbye and it was it turned into a makeout session that he was making out with
• 29:04
  my face. And I was kind of just standing there.
• 29:06
  So that was not a good end to a first date. It would have been.
• 29:10
  I would have gone on a second date. Uh-huh.
• 29:12
  But he kind of ruined it. So after that, it was just the end of it. After that, it was done.
• 29:17
  Mm-hmm. I would say the majority of my dates are hugs or handshakes at the end.
• 29:21
  So you can cycle through a lot of guys. Go for coffee.
• 29:25
  I mean, I think coffee's great because then you're not committed to anything. Yeah.
• 29:31
  Coffee's quick. Yeah. And if you're consistent and you're emotionally available
• 29:37
  and you're clear to the other person on what you're looking for.
• 29:41
  And they are too, you can see green and red flags.
• 29:43
  Now, here's the thing. my red flags aren't
• 29:47
  other people's red flags right like if if
• 29:50
  someone's a victim that's a red flag for me yeah but
• 29:53
  some other people may like oh i can help
• 29:56
  you with that and some people like projects some people
• 29:59
  do some people do they're attracted to that and they
• 30:02
  don't care as long as the guy has money or they don't care as long
• 30:05
  as the guy looks good i'm not attracted to that
• 30:08
  right i want a masculine man that's not a project yeah
• 30:11
  but my green flags are different than
• 30:14
  other people's and my red flags are different than other people's really different
• 30:17
  than yours for sure yeah for sure yeah i know i've been the same guy for the
• 30:21
  past 25 years yeah but you've gone through things right and there's been red
• 30:26
  flags and green flags don't ever stop when you're married the reason why you
• 30:30
  have boundaries in your marriage is because you block any red flags.
• 30:36
  Like if you're, let's say, and I'm not saying your husband is,
• 30:39
  let's say you're with a partner and they hit you. Mm-hmm.
• 30:43
  Do you stay? I just saw a movie about that. Did you? Yeah. You watch so many darn movies.
• 30:50
  What are you going to do? You know, we can be on the internet.
• 30:53
  Open bottle. Oh, well, you can come over here or you can help me with my landscaping. Oh, yeah, no.
• 31:00
  So, let's say you're with a partner and they hit you. For me,
• 31:03
  that's a red flag. No, to me, it's when it gets physical.
• 31:07
  Is it a red flag for you? Oh, yeah, no. So, you have a boundary so that if your partner ever hit you.
• 31:13
  No. In a marriage, you would be gone. Oh, yeah. Other people would not.
• 31:18
  Yeah. They would stay. That's true. They'd say it's just once.
• 31:23
  And maybe it is just once. Most of the time it's not, though, by the way. It's not.
• 31:27
  Let's say your partner yells at you. Is that a green flag or a red flag? It's a red flag.
• 31:32
  See, some people, I took a lot of yelling and abuse. Abuse?
• 31:36
  Verbal abuse. There's verbal abuse. There's physical abuse. It comes all kinds.
• 31:40
  Yeah. Some people yell at you, no. No one, no. No one yelled at me. Uh-uh.
• 31:45
  See, so there, and see, I didn't have a boundary before, but now I do.
• 31:49
  So if someone yells at me now, I'm out the door. Right. Whereas before, I took it.
• 31:54
  Oh. I had that boundary a long time ago, but I had to remember that boundary after I got divorced.
• 32:00
  So hopefully, it never happens again, but those are boundaries.
• 32:04
  So if you're emotionally available and you're clear on what you want,
• 32:08
  you may find a person that's wonderful.
• 32:11
  And then as time goes on, six months in, nine months in, 12 months in,
• 32:16
  they switch and they change their personality a little bit.
• 32:19
  And that's the challenge, too. You got to trust your gut.
• 32:22
  Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, because if you start seeing red flags nine months in,
• 32:26
  it's only going to get worse.
• 32:28
  And if you have boundaries And you know You say no You can't treat me that way
• 32:33
  It might be time for you to walk Yeah Nine months I think If it's gonna red
• 32:38
  flags The first couple days You should red flags you already Yeah I think you
• 32:42
  do I think you see red flags Right in the beginning Unless you.
• 32:45
  Decide not to see it and keep continuing. But that just means you're not emotionally
• 32:49
  ready to date. Yeah. It really does.
• 32:51
  Here's one thing I think we need to remember. When we come out of a divorce
• 32:56
  or a long relationship or a narcissistic relationship, a tragedy,
• 33:01
  a death of a spouse, we have to remember that we are important. Mm-hmm.
• 33:06
  And our value is important. Yes.
• 33:09
  And how we feel is important. And if we don't respect ourselves first,
• 33:14
  there is no way that we can find a partner that fits us.
• 33:19
  Yeah, me come first. I had this discussion with my trainer today.
• 33:22
  I said it's so important that you value yourself first and that you fill your
• 33:29
  cup up first before you start dating again.
• 33:32
  That way, if people start to disrespect you, you can just walk away.
• 33:37
  If you don't fill your cup up or if you don't realize your value,
• 33:41
  you'll cling to that person and stay in a bad relationship much longer than you should.
• 33:47
  Remember we talked about that in one episode, miserably comfortable.
• 33:51
  Yes, miserably comfortable. If you're miserably comfortable,
• 33:54
  you will stick around. Yeah, yeah. So fill your cup up. Make sure you're happy.
• 33:59
  Know your worth. Know what you bring to the table. And don't,
• 34:03
  you can date here and there, but don't get into a relationship until you're
• 34:08
  at a place where you're fully loving yourself.
• 34:10
  Yeah. So now after you're dating, you see a person, when do you know the first
• 34:16
  time you're going to make out?
• 34:17
  How'd you know? You come naturally? Well, that's the second date.
• 34:23
  Well, you know, it depends. No, usually it's not the second date.
• 34:29
  Like it's third, fourth, fifth, somewhere in there. I don't think there's a rule.
• 34:34
  I think it depends on how connected you're feeling to someone.
• 34:39
  And are you leveling up? Are you leveling down?
• 34:42
  Is there sexual chemistry? Is there physical chemistry? Is there emotional, mental?
• 34:46
  Here's the thing. I can be sexually attracted to a guy that I'm intellectually attracted to as well.
• 34:53
  Physically, maybe they're not all that, but they're smart, and I'm attracted
• 34:58
  because they're so smart.
• 34:59
  Yes, I love that. There's a physical attraction that that leads to a sexual
• 35:03
  attraction. I think you have to have two.
• 35:06
  That's where it really... I mean, a guy can turn me on because they're smart,
• 35:09
  because I'm sapiosexual, where you're turned on to smart people.
• 35:12
  But a guy with a really good body could turn me on as well.
• 35:16
  And so if they're physically attractive, I could be sexually attractive.
• 35:21
  Now, I don't know if the physically attractive will turn into a relationship
• 35:24
  because there has to be something behind the physical.
• 35:27
  Like they could be a play toy for a while. And I'm sorry, I mean,
• 35:31
  I said that, but that's how women talk.
• 35:34
  Men talk about that as women and women talk about that as men.
• 35:36
  They could be a sexual play thing for a while where we're having fun.
• 35:40
  But there has to be something more than just a physical body,
• 35:44
  sexual chemistry. There has to be something you have in common.
• 35:48
  Right. Some intellectual thing you can talk about, you know.
• 35:51
  Sometimes they're smart. Maybe it's spiritual things.
• 35:53
  Maybe it's holistic things. Something that you have in common.
• 35:58
  Otherwise, there's nothing there. Yeah.
• 36:01
  So, some people connect. You know, I do yoga. And I've seen a lot.
• 36:06
  Some people are very connected spiritually.
• 36:09
  Yes. Some people have sex on the first date. I just don't. Yeah.
• 36:13
  Or some people have sex with a yoga instructor, but we're not going to go there.
• 36:18
  I don't think there's a magic number. I think you have to align with the other person.
• 36:24
  Right. I think you have to align with your values, your energy,
• 36:27
  and your self-worth. I don't think you should go have sex with someone until you're ready.
• 36:32
  And if it's been a long time oh like
• 36:35
  yes it's been a long time for me yes i understand diva
• 36:38
  cat and you may go through dry spells you may date with
• 36:41
  somebody for a while and then you go
• 36:45
  through a dry spell of four or five months i know
• 36:48
  it was really rough and you go
• 36:51
  through a dry spell of no sex and when do
• 36:54
  you have sex and i will say it's challenging
• 36:58
  amazing or challenging it's challenging to stay celibate
• 37:02
  for four or five months it's challenging right to
• 37:05
  not have sex for that long yeah and then to
• 37:08
  reconnect you said being human with a human yeah of course
• 37:11
  a self-pleasure is different yeah self-pleasure sex
• 37:15
  with another person it it's it's different
• 37:17
  yeah then when you have self-pleasure it's
• 37:20
  you miss it yeah you miss that
• 37:23
  you miss the connection and i will say sex with
• 37:26
  a person is different because when i have sex with a person i don't
• 37:29
  need it right away again yeah whereas if i
• 37:32
  you know if there's a masturbation thing going on i
• 37:35
  need it every day you know that's true but when i
• 37:38
  have sex with a man it's it's for it fulfill you well i'm a little sore afterwards
• 37:42
  too but yeah it's fulfilling oh yes there's that yeah so if there if you've
• 37:49
  not had sex for a while ladies and you work out a lot you get tighter down there and you're
• 37:57
  Then when you have sex again, you've got to be careful not to hurt yourself.
• 38:02
  So you may be turned on and think, oh, it's fine, but you may still need some
• 38:05
  lube on top of that. So you've got to be careful.
• 38:08
  You'll be sore for the next five days. Because you might be a little sore.
• 38:11
  I don't have fun in the next five days, but you might be a little sore afterwards.
• 38:15
  Yeah, because it's been a long time. Yeah, it's been a long time.
• 38:20
  Wow. Yeah. Sex isn't a reward. It's a choice. You get to choose.
• 38:24
  And it's got to be your choice, not theirs.
• 38:26
  Yeah. It had to be your choice. It had to be pleasurable.
• 38:30
  Yeah. And you had to be the right person, I think. I think so, too. Yeah.
• 38:35
  Yeah. My son told me there's this podcast. I'm not a podcaster. This YouTuber.
• 38:40
  Uh-huh. Or maybe TikTok or somewhere where this woman said she's had sex.
• 38:45
  She's in her 30s with over 2,000 men.
• 38:49
  And I said, you had never be with a woman like that. That is disgusting.
• 38:54
  2,000? I'm going to judge on that one. If you've had sex with more than 2,000
• 38:58
  people, what is your self-worth?
• 39:01
  I think maybe that person have addiction. It could be. Yeah, it's kidney therapy.
• 39:06
  Could be. I mean, the level of sexual transmitted diseases in 2,000 men scares
• 39:13
  me, just first of all. That's just gross. It is kind of gross.
• 39:16
  So check yourself is all I'm saying.
• 39:20
  You do your values. You do your self-worth. You do however many people you want to have sex with.
• 39:25
  I don't think you need a rush. No. And I will say you'd get a little sore afterwards.
• 39:32
  And there's no one size fix all as far as dick size or as how soon you should have sex.
• 39:39
  Well, women, our body surprisingly very adjust to what it needs. Don't you think?
• 39:46
  It does. But I will say I was shocked that it was a little sore.
• 39:52
  That's awesome, though. Is that a good feeling though? It was.
• 39:56
  Look at you turn beet red. It was.
• 39:59
  I like this. I think you have to be emotionally safe first and comfortable with the person.
• 40:06
  You don't have to know them fully. It's going to take months and months and
• 40:10
  months to know someone fully.
• 40:11
  And some people wait for marriage still.
• 40:15
  Is there really? They'll leave a marriage and they'll wait to get married or
• 40:20
  to have sex with that second person or third person to when they're married again.
• 40:25
  Wow. And then when they get married, it didn't last them for not even a week.
• 40:29
  I did have a friend that he only has sex with people that he's married to and
• 40:33
  he's been married twice.
• 40:35
  He's, I think, 28 and he won't have sex until he's married.
• 40:41
  Okay, first of all, how the heck did we know if we're compatible sexually? Right. That's just me.
• 40:46
  I wouldn't wait for marriage just because I need to know if I'm sexually compatible.
• 40:50
  Kissing is one thing, but sexually compatible for me.
• 40:54
  Yeah. I've seen a lot, though, like the people that wait and after,
• 40:58
  that wait before marriage, after the marriage, either they're not happy with
• 41:03
  it, they stay with it just because, you know, miserable casual and the society
• 41:08
  make them to stay together, but they're not really happy. Yeah.
• 41:12
  You have to try it out for it, just like car or shoes. Well,
• 41:15
  there's oral sex you could try out before. Some people don't think that's sex.
• 41:18
  I think that's still sex.
• 41:19
  But oral sex is one thing.
• 41:22
  But for me, if you're having oral sex, most likely it's going to lead to intercourse
• 41:27
  anyway. That's what I'm saying.
• 41:30
  Yeah. So it's... You know, because that's on the start, no?
• 41:33
  I agree. But for me, I would say that there's no rush.
• 41:37
  And you don't have to have sex even on the fourth or fifth day.
• 41:42
  You could wait. There's a woman out there that says you should wait 90 days.
• 41:45
  You should date someone for 90 days before you have sex. That's her rule.
• 41:49
  And so every time she dates someone, she waits for 90 days to see how the first
• 41:55
  90 days is all about getting to know them.
• 41:57
  And then after 90 days, and I don't know how often she's dating,
• 42:00
  maybe once or twice a week.
• 42:02
  After 90 days, then she would have sex with them.
• 42:06
  But the problem I see is she keeps having her 90 days over and over again.
• 42:11
  And I'm wondering if she's just not making it to 90 days because the guys lose
• 42:14
  interest. But that may be.
• 42:16
  Because some guys don't want to wait 90 days. That's true.
• 42:19
  You know, that's a long time to wait. That's a long time to wait.
• 42:22
  Especially if you have a really strong connection with someone.
• 42:26
  So I think it's more about the emotional connection and if you feel safe.
• 42:30
  Do you trust that person? And have they earned access to your body?
• 42:33
  I mean, honestly, that's the thing.
• 42:35
  I think that's number one. Do they have the right to touch you?
• 42:39
  Yeah. Do they have the right to be intimate with you? And sometimes people...
• 42:43
  Are together after talking on the phone and texting for a long time,
• 42:47
  those could be considered pre-dates as well.
• 42:50
  But I don't think you should be anxious or unsure.
• 42:52
  Because I think all of this stuff, there's no set written rules,
• 42:58
  right? It's how you feel.
• 43:01
  You know what I mean? Yeah. So there's no rules like, okay, you should not do
• 43:05
  this, you should not do that. But when you feel right, you feel right.
• 43:08
  I think it's more important if they're aligned. Alignment, I think,
• 43:11
  is the new buzzword that everybody's talking about. But I think alignment is important.
• 43:15
  Are they aligned with you? Are they also aligned with what you want in the future?
• 43:21
  This is one thing that I've been struggling with lately. I think if I found
• 43:25
  the right person, I would get married again.
• 43:28
  However, it's going to take a lot, you know, for me to commit to someone.
• 43:33
  There's a trust issue they've got to overcome.
• 43:36
  And it's not their fault. It's because of a trust issue I had in my last relationship.
• 43:40
  And on top of that, they have to fulfill, you know, a lot of things on my checklist. Yeah. And...
• 43:46
  If not, I'm still okay dating someone for fun and to have fun with someone that's a fun partner.
• 43:54
  But then I need to let them know that I'm not seeing a future.
• 43:58
  Right. And that's a challenge because then I'm turning them into a friends with benefits situation.
• 44:04
  And that may not be what they want. Well, some people chose to be together but not get married.
• 44:11
  Remember, Kodihon and Kodihon, they don't get married.
• 44:13
  That's true. And especially if you have, like, going back to the beginning of
• 44:16
  this podcast, you know, two families emerging. You may want to take your time as well.
• 44:20
  Yeah. Some people decide not to marry. Yeah.
• 44:24
  And I don't. This is from my own experience, my own family. They were together for 13 years.
• 44:31
  So they wait, you know, the kids out of the house, you know.
• 44:34
  And then they decide to get married. It didn't last them for a year.
• 44:38
  I don't know what happened. So they were together for 13 years.
• 44:40
  They got married and they only married for a year. Yeah. See,
• 44:43
  I don't want to do that. You see?
• 44:46
  See, the nice thing is, is they waited to be together until,
• 44:49
  but... Yeah, they waited until... Then they moved in together and found out
• 44:53
  that they hated each other.
• 44:54
  Yeah, no, no, they lived together as anything, but they just don't get married. Interesting.
• 44:59
  Yeah, they waited until the kid out of the house, you know, because each of them had two kids. Yeah.
• 45:04
  So they waited all of that. Interesting. And then they decided to get married
• 45:09
  and didn't last them for a year. See, that's expensive.
• 45:12
  Yes. First you're paying for a wedding and then you're paying for divorce.
• 45:16
  And divorce to me is very expensive. Yeah.
• 45:19
  Even with prenups, it can get pricey. So there's no reason to do that.
• 45:24
  I mean, that's the challenge. We're older, right? So what do we really want?
• 45:28
  I think I do. I would get married again. I think if I found the right person,
• 45:33
  I would totally get married again.
• 45:35
  I just don't know if I will in this lifetime. And I'm okay with that.
• 45:41
  But in the meantime, I'm going to enjoy myself, and I'm going to have fun with a select person.
• 45:47
  Person, yes. Yeah, and as I enjoy myself, as long as I tell them,
• 45:52
  look, this is not—maybe it's more situationship.
• 45:56
  Mm-hmm. If I have a situationship with someone like we talked about before where,
• 46:00
  based on a situation I see you once in a while, it's comfortable for me because
• 46:05
  it's so challenging to connect. But I think you're going to get married.
• 46:08
  You think so? And I'm going to be made of honor. Are you? Oh, that sounds nice. Yes.
• 46:14
  I feel it. I think consistency and respect are two huge things for me. Yes.
• 46:19
  Like, for instance, if you're intimate with someone, they should text you the next day.
• 46:25
  Well, what if they're busy? I don't care. Let's say you've been dating for a while. Uh-huh.
• 46:31
  And you finally have sex with the person. Uh-huh. And they don't text you the
• 46:35
  next day just to check in, say hi, that was fun last night.
• 46:39
  Uh-huh. Or I miss you or something.
• 46:43
  Yeah. It's disrespectful. I think they should text you. I think they should.
• 46:48
  Eventually, they'll text you. Eventually, they do. But if they wait a full day.
• 46:52
  I think to me, that's my written rule.
• 46:56
  If you're going to be intimate with a partner, if you have sex with someone,
• 46:59
  and you want to have sex with them again, and you don't text them the next day,
• 47:05
  good luck recovering from that.
• 47:08
  Well, you have to make them work harder. You do. And you should not be responding
• 47:12
  right away to their text if they do text you two or three days later.
• 47:16
  Two or three days? Yeah, it's ridiculous.
• 47:18
  No. It's disrespectful. Yeah. Even between friends.
• 47:24
  I invite you over for dinner. I would text you the night.
• 47:27
  I would either text you that night or in the morning and tell you how great
• 47:30
  dinner was. Who's high? Yes.
• 47:32
  Even just between friends. And that's dinner. That's not dinner on me.
• 47:36
  That's what I'm saying. That's just dinner. Yeah, exactly.
• 47:40
  So it's respectful to text. I think so, too. If you're out there.
• 47:44
  For the first time, I agree with you. And I think it should be the man texting the woman.
• 47:47
  Of course. I don't think the woman should be texting the man.
• 47:50
  If you text a man after sex and they don't text you back, you need to dump them. Yeah.
• 47:55
  And if a man doesn't text you after sex within 24 hours, he's not the right man for you.
• 48:02
  Maybe you might give them it. You want to give them 36 hours? Maybe 30 hours.
• 48:07
  36. Let's do 36. You're just saying that. But not 48.
• 48:11
  Not 48. It's a sign of disrespect to not text a woman after you have sex with
• 48:15
  them. I think, honestly, they should text you that night. Yeah.
• 48:19
  After you get home, unless you stay in over, of course. And then I think that
• 48:23
  they should also text you the next day.
• 48:25
  I think they should make you a priority if you are giving your body to a man and intimate with a man.
• 48:32
  I think a sign of respect is that they should text you or call you or communicate with you somehow.
• 48:38
  I'm actually agreeing with you. You know, the best is if they sent you a flower
• 48:41
  or some roses the next day. That would be wonderful.
• 48:44
  Well, maybe they may. Oh, let's put this this way. If they're 36 hours,
• 48:49
  maybe the flowers should come.
• 48:52
  It would be nice. But regardless, the next day they should touch you.
• 48:56
  Yes, because it's important when a woman gives her body to a man. Yeah. It is.
• 49:01
  It's trusting. It's intimate.
• 49:04
  It's all of the above. You know what I mean? And if you have any health issues,
• 49:08
  actually, I think anybody at our age should also be getting your partners tested
• 49:12
  before you actually have sex with them.
• 49:14
  Especially at this age. We're not teenagers. You know what I mean?
• 49:17
  It's one of those honest conversations. You just say, hey, look,
• 49:20
  my health is important to me, especially if you have like an autoimmune or something.
• 49:24
  You just say my health is important to me and I need you before we become intimate. I need you to get tested.
• 49:31
  Yes. And this includes oral sex. You shouldn't be having oral sex with somebody if you're not tested.
• 49:35
  You could get disease from that. And I do think you should require that they
• 49:40
  email you the results. Do not trust what they say.
• 49:43
  Okay. So make sure they email you the test results.
• 49:47
  And you can email them yours so you should be getting
• 49:49
  tested too that way that you're on the
• 49:52
  same page you can't trust what someone says especially
• 49:56
  nowadays so many dates well and it's empowering i will say because you're taking
• 50:01
  control of your sexual health too yeah and you take care yourself otherwise
• 50:06
  you're going to regret it if you get a sexually transmitted disease and you
• 50:09
  didn't have a basic conversation with somebody that you have sex with can you imagine yeah,
• 50:14
  Oh, my God, no. Here's the real question to ask yourself before you have sex with them. Okay.
• 50:19
  Will you be disappointed if after sex it doesn't become a relationship?
• 50:25
  I think I would be. Would you? Mm-hmm. See, I'm okay if it doesn't as long as
• 50:32
  I go into it with that mindset. Now, if I was wrapped up in someone,
• 50:35
  I think I would actually not have sex as early.
• 50:40
  Oh, I see. You know what I mean? I would take my time to make sure that,
• 50:44
  like, let's say I meet the person I think is the one. Okay.
• 50:48
  I think I would take longer before I had sex with them.
• 50:52
  I think I would take a step back. Take to know them. Oh, I see.
• 50:57
  Make sure they're the right person.
• 50:59
  Now, if I'm going to do a friends with benefit type of thing,
• 51:02
  I could have sex with them earlier. Okay, I see.
• 51:04
  Because I know that they're not, but maybe, it's not that I'm bored,
• 51:08
  it's just that I need a connection, if you will.
• 51:11
  I don't know. It might lead to something, too. And that's the thing. You don't know.
• 51:15
  Right. Sometimes you go into it thinking this person's going to be a friends
• 51:18
  with benefit or a situationship.
• 51:21
  And that's a situationship. Next thing you know, he's a boyfriend.
• 51:23
  And it turns into something bigger. Yeah. You see?
• 51:26
  You never know. There is no written rules. That's what I'm trying to say.
• 51:30
  There's no written rules. No.
• 51:32
  So here's a general. Okay. I think the first date, first, second date, you should be flirty.
• 51:40
  There's chemistry you're checking each other's vibes see
• 51:43
  if there's any intellectual chemistry i think intellectuals important
• 51:46
  obviously and see if you guys get along by the
• 51:50
  second date if you haven't kissed them by the second day i think it's you
• 51:53
  can give them a kiss yeah some people say wait till the third but i think first
• 51:57
  second is fine by date three or four you should be having deeper conversations
• 52:03
  are they emotionally available i think on the first or second date you should
• 52:07
  find out if they cheated on their spouse. Just saying.
• 52:11
  I like to know up front, because if they cheated on their spouse,
• 52:15
  there's no third or fourth date for me. Yeah.
• 52:17
  Because I don't want them to cheat on me. And typically people that cheat are
• 52:20
  going to cheat again. So I don't really date people that are cheaters. So there.
• 52:24
  There you go. That eliminates half the male population right there.
• 52:30
  That's going to be hard. I've already knocked out 50% of the men.
• 52:34
  50? I think I'm already 70.
• 52:36
  Oh, I don't know if it's that high. But so I've knocked out a good chunk of
• 52:40
  the male population because I won't date cheaters.
• 52:42
  And then you have a deeper conversation on the third or fourth date.
• 52:45
  And then by the fifth date, you can play around.
• 52:49
  Yeah, why not? And some people do on the third or fourth date.
• 52:52
  But it depends, you know, where you're connected.
• 52:54
  But I think by the fifth date, if you're aligned, that's when people play around a little bit.
• 52:59
  And that's where things can proceed. It could be sixth, seventh,
• 53:03
  eighth, ninth, tenth date.
• 53:04
  I don't know if you have a number. Some people say on the sixth day you could have sex.
• 53:08
  Sex at sixth is what I've heard. But it just depends on how secure you are with
• 53:14
  that person. Those just general rules?
• 53:17
  Well, it's just a general mindset. I mean, sex at sixth is what I've heard.
• 53:22
  But don't trade sex to get attention.
• 53:25
  Yeah, right. And let's talk about West syndrome for a little bit.
• 53:29
  You guys, if you haven't heard me say on the podcast before what West syndrome
• 53:32
  is, I call it wandering eye syndrome.
• 53:36
  It's when you go on a date and the guy is constantly looking around at other people.
• 53:43
  And every once in a while, you might even catch him checking out another woman.
• 53:47
  No. Or if he talks about another woman, like if he's flattering or complimenting
• 53:53
  another woman. To me, that's a red flag.
• 53:57
  Like if they say, oh, he's like, oh, you've got a nice figure to a friend of
• 54:01
  yours. That's a red flag.
• 54:03
  You know, instead of talking about you, he's looking at her,
• 54:06
  looking at her figure and telling you how thin she is.
• 54:10
  No, it's a red flag. Yes. And so wandering eye syndrome is when they're checking
• 54:16
  out other women at a restaurant or at a bar or at a wherever you're going on a hike. And I get it.
• 54:23
  I think that people do glance here and there at other people.
• 54:27
  But if you're with a guy and he's staring at another woman when he when he's with you, run.
• 54:33
  I mean, I would honestly get up from the table and leave.
• 54:37
  Because it's so rude. It's so disrespectful.
• 54:41
  And when I'm with a man, I'm not checking out other men. What if he just check
• 54:45
  out surrounding, like places or tenderly?
• 54:48
  If he's that nervous and uncomfortable, then he's very insecure.
• 54:53
  And I don't know if he's the right person either. So it's another red flag,
• 54:57
  right? If you're in an elevator and he compliments a woman or talks about a
• 55:01
  woman in front of you, that's happened to me, too, before.
• 55:04
  Is it real? Swear to God. I've had it all, girl.
• 55:07
  I have had some of the most disrespectful men in my life.
• 55:10
  Here again, this is why respect is such a big part of me being intimate with someone. Yeah.
• 55:16
  Because if someone's disrespectful to me, I don't want them.
• 55:19
  No. Yeah. How could you go out on a date and compliment some other woman in the elevator?
• 55:25
  Exactly. or stare at another woman oh my god no
• 55:28
  exactly and guys are so
• 55:31
  clueless sometimes how disrespectful yes
• 55:34
  that's what i disrespect how disrespectful it is
• 55:37
  to a woman that you're with to not be focused on that woman she's done her nails
• 55:41
  she's got a facial probably she did her hair she took an hour picking out an
• 55:47
  outfit she's gotten all dressed up to look perfect for you and a man has the
• 55:52
  audacity to talk about another woman or to look at another woman while you're on a date? No.
• 55:58
  Exactly. Mm-mm. So, men, I hope you hear me.
• 56:02
  Mm-hmm. Now, if you're with a woman and she's checking out other men while you're
• 56:07
  on a date, it's disrespectful, too. And you should run.
• 56:11
  Because when you're connecting with someone, you should be present in the present
• 56:15
  moment with them and only them. Mm-hmm.
• 56:19
  Just saying. Let's go both ways. I think you should speak your truth.
• 56:22
  If you're wanting someone to be respectful, you should tell them.
• 56:25
  If they're disrespectful, I think you should tell them. You should tell them.
• 56:28
  Definitely. And I have.
• 56:31
  Yeah. I have. And I said, I found it's completely, and the person actually apologized
• 56:35
  because he said he didn't realize
• 56:36
  he was doing it, but then he did it again, so then it was like done.
• 56:39
  Oh, my God. But, you know, I did tell them, I gave them a warning,
• 56:44
  I gave them a second chance, and there's no third chances is the thing with me.
• 56:49
  And then let's say you want to move slower physically. Say, look,
• 56:52
  I'm just not in a rush to be intimate.
• 56:54
  Okay. You need to let them know, too. Mm-hmm. I value a connection other than sexual or physical.
• 57:00
  Yeah. I want to be connected to you. I find you interesting.
• 57:03
  I want to see where this can go. I find you intellectually stimulating.
• 57:07
  I enjoy being with you, although intellectually stimulating is such a turn on for me.
• 57:12
  So I want to see where it can go. It's up to you, but you need to choose a partner
• 57:16
  who respects you and is going to respect your pace and is not going to pressure
• 57:21
  you into doing something you don't want to do. Right.
• 57:23
  But you need to be able to tell them, though, what you don't like.
• 57:28
  If they disappear because you won't have sex with them, honestly,
• 57:33
  at our age, you don't need that. You don't need that.
• 57:36
  And if they disappear after you have sex with them and they don't text you or
• 57:39
  whatever, you don't need that either. Yeah, no.
• 57:43
  Yeah. It's not about when you sleep with one. It's someone about why you're doing it. Right.
• 57:49
  And you shouldn't be doing it just, well, some people do it just to get laid.
• 57:52
  But you shouldn't be doing it.
• 57:54
  You shouldn't be doing it just because they're pressuring you.
• 57:58
  You should do it when you're ready.
• 57:59
  Sometimes it's been a long time. That's why you have to do it. Don't you think?
• 58:03
  Sometimes you get an itch. You see, right? But that's when you bring somebody
• 58:07
  in that's a friend with benefits.
• 58:09
  Oh, I see. I don't think you should just be going out and sleeping on a one-night
• 58:11
  stand. I mean... No, no one-night stand.
• 58:15
  There's plenty of men out there, ladies.
• 58:17
  But you need to be intentional about what you want with them.
• 58:20
  I have a friend right now interview one by one.
• 58:23
  That's what she does. She interviews them. She interviews them first. Yeah.
• 58:28
  Well, you know, there's that. You can interview them. You can send them a questionnaire.
• 58:31
  Some people won't fill it out. Yeah.
• 58:34
  She had to, she made a list and she interviewed them based on her list.
• 58:37
  Well, that's a person that's grounded and feels in control of her.
• 58:40
  Or super control. Yeah. Yeah.
• 58:42
  And then she just decided, that's it. Just me, myself. I love myself.
• 58:47
  Yep. And it's about her, but I think when you're on a date, though,
• 58:52
  it needs to be about the other person. Right. That's what I think.
• 58:55
  I think a date, especially a first date, you should be asking a lot of questions.
• 58:59
  Mm-hmm. You have to. I went on a date with a guy.
• 59:02
  He was younger and I think he was 36, pretty young for me. I don't usually go that young.
• 59:08
  And the guy was really into himself.
• 59:12
  And he just sat there and talked about himself for the whole date.
• 59:16
  And I couldn't wait till the date was over. It was like 30 to 40.
• 59:19
  First of all, he showed up late.
• 59:21
  Disrespectful. Did not have any chivalry in his body.
• 59:25
  I mean, did not pull out my chair, was not respectful. Well,
• 59:29
  you know, I had to sit with my back to the door so I could see if I needed to
• 59:32
  exit quickly. I could. Oh, my God.
• 59:35
  Or I mean, my back was I was facing the door and I.
• 59:40
  But you're always facing the door. I love to face the door.
• 59:43
  Yes. That's my thing. So thank you for that. But I was talking to him and I
• 59:49
  asked him a few questions and he just he droned on.
• 59:52
  I don't think he asked me one question. Oh, my God. And.
• 59:57
  Well, he was young, too. He was young. And I don't know if he was nervous, but he was young.
• 1:00:04
  He was a black man. And he just was really into himself, really cocky.
• 1:00:09
  And he just talked and talked and talked. The date lasted 30 to 45 minutes.
• 1:00:13
  And afterwards, I think I shook his hand. And then he came in for a hug.
• 1:00:17
  And then he asked for a second date. And I said, I'll let you know.
• 1:00:20
  And I said, well, I should have just said no. It's OK. But not for nothing, though.
• 1:00:24
  Some people could feel very intimate. and intimidated by
• 1:00:28
  you oh that's their problem not mine
• 1:00:31
  oh that's the thing if if a guy's intimidated
• 1:00:34
  by me on a first date he's not
• 1:00:37
  the one for you he's not the one i see if if
• 1:00:40
  they can't handle me on i'm such a pussycat on
• 1:00:43
  a first date i am not over the top strong i
• 1:00:46
  am not showing off at all on a first date
• 1:00:49
  i am really listening to who they are i'm not
• 1:00:52
  really even talking a lot about myself so if
• 1:00:56
  they're intimidated by just my presence they don't
• 1:01:00
  need a second date that's not the one no you want a strong woman you know and
• 1:01:04
  you're a prize right i'm a prize yeah you know you need to bring your value
• 1:01:09
  to the date but you don't have to be over the top and being strong does not
• 1:01:13
  mean being controlling it just means that you are comfortable in who you are Mm-hmm,
• 1:01:18
  mm-hmm. Yeah. I don't know.
• 1:01:21
  It's so hard to be single, right? Oh, my goodness. It's a challenge.
• 1:01:26
  I'm telling you, connecting.
• 1:01:28
  Like, connecting with a person is so unique when we're in our age. You know, before...
• 1:01:34
  I didn't sleep around when I was in college either, though. But I think when
• 1:01:38
  I was younger, it was easier to find someone you would connect with because
• 1:01:41
  we were all stupid kids, right? Right.
• 1:01:43
  We were all, I mean, we all looked good. Right. It was college.
• 1:01:47
  We all were in probably really good shape. And our shit don't sting.
• 1:01:51
  The hair, big hair. The big hair. The hairspray hair.
• 1:01:55
  The Bon Jovi hair. Right. And everybody looked good.
• 1:02:00
  Yeah. And it was more of a physical sexual chemistry back then. Yeah.
• 1:02:04
  And as you get older, you want more of an intellectual chemistry.
• 1:02:08
  Yeah, because the physical faints away. The physical doesn't have to fade away.
• 1:02:13
  The physical doesn't have to. You have to work very hard. You have to work very
• 1:02:16
  hard to keep your physical.
• 1:02:17
  But the physical doesn't have to fade away. But it's not going to be like 16-year-old,
• 1:02:20
  17-year-old sex. No. Or 18-year-old sex. Or 22-year-old sex. Twenty-nothing sex.
• 1:02:24
  Yeah. Yeah. It's not going to be that way. so when
• 1:02:28
  you're older the sex
• 1:02:31
  still has to be good though oh yeah you know
• 1:02:33
  i'm telling you if the sex isn't good and if a guy can't pick me up and throw
• 1:02:37
  me against a wall well not physically hurt me but like push me against a wall
• 1:02:42
  and have sex with me i love having sex up against a wall i really do i told
• 1:02:45
  you that one before i need that too and when they're older a lot of times they
• 1:02:52
  can't do it You cannot do it.
• 1:02:54
  So there's the sexual chemistry. And this is also a reason why I would want
• 1:02:57
  to have sex before I would get married to someone.
• 1:03:00
  It's a requirement for me. I'm sorry. I see. I see.
• 1:03:06
  I just need it i don't know why but it's
• 1:03:09
  true no that's your that's your thing it's my thing
• 1:03:12
  i i like to be in different places i like to
• 1:03:14
  be in different positions i like to be athletic in the bedroom and
• 1:03:18
  if i can't do that with a man or he can't last
• 1:03:21
  long enough and he doesn't want to do some people don't want to do
• 1:03:24
  testosterone and that's i think something a lot of men
• 1:03:26
  need we talked about that too i think all men after
• 1:03:29
  50 should i think after 45 all men
• 1:03:32
  should be on testosterone but especially if they want to
• 1:03:35
  have a sex life into their 70s and
• 1:03:37
  80s and honestly i if i find a
• 1:03:40
  man again to marry they better be prepared
• 1:03:43
  to go up to 100 years old still having sex with
• 1:03:46
  me or more that'd be
• 1:03:50
  crazy huh another 50 years of sex that's awesome another 50 years of sex oh
• 1:03:56
  i'm shooting for 20 now here's the other thing you can read people's vibes too
• 1:04:01
  If you're on a date and they're talking about their ex the whole time and complaining
• 1:04:06
  about their ex and they're playing the victim with their ex,
• 1:04:09
  that's a red flag. No.
• 1:04:12
  I don't care if their ex did cheat on them. If they sit there and talk the whole
• 1:04:15
  time about how they were betrayed and cheated on and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
• 1:04:20
  That's a red flag because what's going to happen is they're not healed.
• 1:04:25
  And I went out with a guy like that, too, that he wasn't healed and he wasn't ready to date.
• 1:04:30
  And if the whole date is about their ex, there's no place for you.
• 1:04:35
  There's no room in their life. There's no room in their head for you.
• 1:04:39
  And you can't be with a person that's not healed. And some people don't heal.
• 1:04:44
  Some people stay that way, though. Some people will take five years and they're still broken. Mm-hmm.
• 1:04:49
  And then they just go into another relationship because they're lonely.
• 1:04:53
  Yeah. And they bring all that baggage into their next relationship.
• 1:04:56
  Yeah. And I don't want that because I have leveled up.
• 1:04:59
  Yeah. And I only want someone healed. Right.
• 1:05:01
  The next thing you know, it's going to be another project.
• 1:05:04
  Yes. Right. Another project, yep. Yeah, you don't want that.
• 1:05:08
  Your project, you'd paint the wall, not that.
• 1:05:11
  No, I hired that out, too. Yeah, you see? I can see it behind a poop scooper.
• 1:05:18
  That's like blows my mind.
• 1:05:21
  Okay. Anyway. So you have to wear something on this date that makes you feel
• 1:05:26
  really confident and sexy.
• 1:05:28
  I go for black dress. Without slutty. I love my little black dress though.
• 1:05:33
  Yes. Little black dress. You can't go wrong with that. And then you should wear
• 1:05:36
  a fragrance, but don't overdo it.
• 1:05:39
  And then you should, you know, stay hydrated. Don't start coughing in the middle
• 1:05:43
  of the date. Stay hydrated.
• 1:05:44
  Stay focused nice shoes are cute nice purse
• 1:05:47
  definitely makeup nails done hair
• 1:05:50
  done there's a lot of work it is
• 1:05:53
  a lot of work so guys if we're going on a date with you i know
• 1:05:56
  don't show up in a t-shirt that's wrinkly and cargo pants yes if you do you
• 1:06:02
  won't get a second date that guy that slammed me against the car he did that
• 1:06:05
  too so that was like multiple red flags no no if you show up i don't care if
• 1:06:08
  it's a polo shirt if it's wrinkly and doesn't have a collar no uh-uh No.
• 1:06:14
  No. You can't get a high-class woman if you're dressed like a bum,
• 1:06:17
  guys. This is not backyard party.
• 1:06:20
  And this is not college. It's not like you're a frat guy anymore. Right. So.
• 1:06:24
  No. You have some respect. I know.
• 1:06:28
  No. And I do have to practice slowing down because I think I do talk really
• 1:06:32
  fast sometimes. You do? I do.
• 1:06:35
  So I actually work at it. Even on this podcast, I work on speaking slower. Mm-hmm. No, but.
• 1:06:41
  That's your voice, though. You have that power before you. I do.
• 1:06:44
  I do. But you got to listen with intention and talk and listen.
• 1:06:47
  I see. It's a connection, just listening to another person. Mm-hmm.
• 1:06:52
  And you can learn so much by watching and observing and listening to other people. Mm-hmm.
• 1:06:58
  And don't be nervous.
• 1:07:00
  Yeah. I just need to speak clearly. You got to speak clearly, yes. Yeah.
• 1:07:05
  I'm working on it, though. And be curious. I mean, honestly,
• 1:07:08
  if you're looking to date with intention to find a partner, and I think that's
• 1:07:14
  what most people are wanting, although some people are just looking to date
• 1:07:17
  to get laid. There are that.
• 1:07:19
  Yeah. Or all those. But if you're looking to truly find a partner,
• 1:07:24
  you need to be curious about the other person.
• 1:07:26
  And to be curious means to ask questions, not to talk over them.
• 1:07:30
  I see. Right? Mm-hmm.
• 1:07:33
  And then, you know, work on your goddess energy. I think that's important,
• 1:07:37
  too. You got to work on your self-power, your soft power, I guess it is. Like your posture?
• 1:07:42
  Your posture, your femininity.
• 1:07:45
  And I have to work on this because I do have a strong masculine side to me,
• 1:07:49
  I will say, as I talk lower in my voice.
• 1:07:52
  I do have a strong masculine side to me that I have to work on being feminine.
• 1:07:58
  Like I went on a date with a guy that was very gentleman.
• 1:08:02
  It was so respectful. Oh, I love that. And I ended up,
• 1:08:07
  grabbing the car door when i got to the car just
• 1:08:09
  because it was habit right right and he grabbed it away from me
• 1:08:12
  and it was so cute and i was i loved it
• 1:08:15
  that he ended up opening the car door i was like oh crap i forgot i'm with a
• 1:08:18
  gentleman here i'm with a very respectful man yes you know when i stood up he
• 1:08:23
  would stand up yeah when i went to the bathroom he would come and he would push
• 1:08:27
  my chair and it was it was nice always open the doors for me it was so respectful see you know Well,
• 1:08:34
  it's nice to be with a high-quality man that's respectful. Right.
• 1:08:39
  There's not enough of you men out there that do this. No. And if you want a
• 1:08:43
  woman and you want a high-quality woman. Right. You need to start.
• 1:08:48
  Right. And that's one thing I've been working with my children on.
• 1:08:51
  Mm-hmm. To make sure that they always open the door. Mm-hmm.
• 1:08:55
  And that they're always respectful.
• 1:08:57
  Mm-hmm. And if you open the door for a woman, that goes a long way.
• 1:09:01
  Oh, yeah. Let alone if you stand up when she goes to the bathroom and you push
• 1:09:04
  in her chair and then you ask her if she needs any more water.
• 1:09:07
  I mean, literally, my date was filling my water the whole night when the waiting
• 1:09:11
  wasn't. I know the little things. The little touches.
• 1:09:15
  Yes. Will make you want to stay with a person. Make you feel really special. Special and respected.
• 1:09:22
  And I need to step into my femininity and allow it and receive it.
• 1:09:26
  That's what I was going to say. You need to mellow down and receive it.
• 1:09:30
  But I did a good job, right? You did a good job. You did a good job. I did a good job.
• 1:09:34
  I give you A+. All right. So I worked at it. It was interesting.
• 1:09:38
  I don't think I've been out with a lot of gentlemen.
• 1:09:41
  No? No. I think the Southern Gentleman charm is wonderful.
• 1:09:46
  I love men that are attentive to their women. Mm-hmm.
• 1:09:50
  Because what happens is then I want to reciprocate. Right.
• 1:09:53
  When a man leads, and this is the thing, ladies, when a man leads,
• 1:09:57
  you want to reciprocate.
• 1:10:00
  You have to let them, though. You have to let them. Let them lead you. Let them guide you.
• 1:10:06
  Don't be too pushy. And then be reciprocal.
• 1:10:09
  And I was very respectful to him. I think it's really super sweet.
• 1:10:14
  And it was a nice mutual respect thing going on.
• 1:10:20
  And I would never talk down to him. Never. I would never be disrespectful to him.
• 1:10:24
  In fact, I was astonished at another woman that talked down to her husband.
• 1:10:28
  I just don't do that. And it was a nice communication and so enjoyable.
• 1:10:37
  I love that. It was almost like a fairy tale enjoyment.
• 1:10:41
  Finish a double date again. I know. It was nice. Oh, you just want him to teach
• 1:10:45
  your husband how to treat you.
• 1:10:48
  Might as well need to push the... Here's the thing, husbands.
• 1:10:51
  You should still do it when you're married. I know.
• 1:10:54
  And don't think that you should stop because women, you
• 1:10:57
  will have that woman wrapped around your finger if you
• 1:11:00
  treat her that respectfully and then she will treat you with a level
• 1:11:03
  of respect you've never received right and it's
• 1:11:06
  a mutual thing and respect is so very important
• 1:11:09
  and if you want to have a perfect marriage and a
• 1:11:12
  perfect relationship and non-stop sex
• 1:11:15
  with your woman treat her with that level of respect because you
• 1:11:18
  will get more and more respect back and the
• 1:11:21
  reciprocity will be amazing okay husband
• 1:11:24
  make sure you are listening yes this now
• 1:11:28
  let's talk safety though too we have to talk about that because safety
• 1:11:31
  matters too now okay if you're with a respectful man like i was uh-huh i safety
• 1:11:36
  it was still a concern right because you never know who they really are right
• 1:11:40
  so you need to let people know where you're going oh i see all right and typically
• 1:11:45
  they're not going to pick you up right you're going to meet them on a first
• 1:11:48
  date now if It's like the third, fourth, fifth date, something like that.
• 1:11:51
  They can pick you up if you're comfortable with the person.
• 1:11:54
  But on your first date, you need to let somebody know where you're going. Right.
• 1:11:58
  And pack breath mints and lip balm and cash just in case you need it.
• 1:12:05
  And don't arrive late. I never have cash.
• 1:12:08
  When you're rushed, I mean, I was really rushed the other day,
• 1:12:11
  but when you're rushed, it scatters your energy and it takes a little bit to refocus.
• 1:12:15
  So if you can get ready in advance, pick out your outfit the night before,
• 1:12:19
  like you told me I should have done, and, you know, get yourself organized.
• 1:12:23
  You're not going to be scattered, and you're going to be able to listen better.
• 1:12:28
  So it's important. It's important. If you have a date going on,
• 1:12:32
  pick out your outfit the night before.
• 1:12:33
  Try on, be shoes on, all of that stuff. And men should, too.
• 1:12:37
  Right. I think a man should have clean-cut hair.
• 1:12:40
  Definitely. I think if they shave, they should be freshly shaven.
• 1:12:44
  I don't think you should be scruffy. I don't think you should come in looking
• 1:12:47
  like you just did landscaping with dirty nails. No.
• 1:12:50
  I think they have to smell good. That's a must. If you...
• 1:12:54
  If you are sweaty, you better run that air conditioner in your car a lot.
• 1:12:58
  Right. And you better not walk into a date stinky. If you come in stinky, I'm done.
• 1:13:02
  Right. Because I have a really good nose.
• 1:13:05
  And I will just walk out. I'll be like, oh, I can't do it. Yeah.
• 1:13:09
  Because if your body stinks, I know down there stinks. Yeah.
• 1:13:11
  So it's not happening. No.
• 1:13:13
  And your breath can't stink. Uh-huh. Your skin has to be clean.
• 1:13:17
  If you don't have good hygiene, it's like I'm out the door. Well,
• 1:13:20
  I have to say, though, I give both of you A+. Oh, for our attire?
• 1:13:25
  For this weekend, yeah. Attire, everything.
• 1:13:27
  Even though I was rushed, I still showed up, okay? Yeah. Okay,
• 1:13:30
  good. I'll give you A+. All right, good.
• 1:13:33
  Well, and you can't have wrinkly shirts. I don't know about that. Or dresses.
• 1:13:37
  Well, sometimes then you wear linen. Linen's supposed to look good wrinkled.
• 1:13:41
  Linen does not look good wrinkled.
• 1:13:44
  I don't know how to iron, so I do. Oh, I do love linen. That's why you get a steamer.
• 1:13:50
  You get one of those steamers, or you just send it out to the dry cleaner. but you
• 1:13:54
  should not people shouldn't be wearing linen if it's all wrinkly on the
• 1:13:57
  first date they really shouldn't yeah i don't
• 1:13:59
  think they should and yes when you sit down linen gets wrinkly
• 1:14:02
  but i get it but it shouldn't be like crumbled wrinkly and
• 1:14:05
  if you came out of the dryer that's kind of how it looks and don't
• 1:14:08
  wear shorts gym shorts or sweatpants i can't i
• 1:14:11
  can't see oh yeah talking about the guy that
• 1:14:14
  talked about himself yeah that i hugged at
• 1:14:16
  the end he came in and oversized gym shorts because
• 1:14:19
  he's oh and i was like oh no no and the
• 1:14:22
  tank top i can't stand tank t-shirts tank
• 1:14:25
  tops no i can't stand it it's gross i think
• 1:14:29
  kind of like a when you go for a job interview i think
• 1:14:32
  you should dress for success i would wear a
• 1:14:35
  suit to a job interview as a barista honestly i would
• 1:14:38
  dress up i always dress a level above of what
• 1:14:41
  i think is required yeah now i'm not saying we're
• 1:14:44
  like a you always have a sport jacket over
• 1:14:47
  you always have a sports jacket i'm not saying you have to dress super high
• 1:14:50
  end yeah but yeah it's it's important
• 1:14:53
  to dress up and your nails should be done your toes should be done but
• 1:14:56
  there should be too they should
• 1:14:59
  have good hygiene and if they don't go get their nails done i
• 1:15:01
  mean it's gross to see a man that you're going on a date with and
• 1:15:04
  flip flops and they have fungus on their toes oh yes
• 1:15:08
  that's gross right gross they need to take care of
• 1:15:10
  themselves and fungus contagious yes
• 1:15:14
  it is no nice jeans
• 1:15:17
  showing off their butts nice too you know i love or.
• 1:15:20
  Like khaki pants one of the two either tight well not
• 1:15:23
  super tight jeans i don't like super tight jeans but jeans where their butt.
• 1:15:26
  Is nice or when they're like khaki pants that are pleated those are nice even
• 1:15:30
  just a jean polo shirt and a sport jacket that just sets it already yes yes
• 1:15:37
  something yeah but no t-shirt because.
• 1:15:42
  The wee neck no no and don't wear clothes that are too small or
• 1:15:44
  too big oh my god no where are things that fit you so
• 1:15:48
  that you feel confident too you don't want to wear something too small and then burst
• 1:15:51
  your pants or you know but break a
• 1:15:54
  break a button and now your boobs are hanging out during the date i mean that'd
• 1:15:57
  be embarrassing right make sure it fits that
• 1:16:00
  same covid woman too and shoes are important too oh
• 1:16:03
  good shoes take you good places i always say that good shoes
• 1:16:05
  take good places men actually i got compliments
• 1:16:09
  on my shoes from the guy i dated he actually liked my
• 1:16:11
  shoes and my toes because i got really pretty toes see
• 1:16:14
  yeah shoes i always say
• 1:16:17
  that to everyone shoes take you good
• 1:16:20
  places so make sure you have a nice shoe and the right shoe for all occasions
• 1:16:24
  yeah so when a man dresses nicely it makes all the difference yes it makes all
• 1:16:31
  the difference and people don't realize how much your appearance matters and
• 1:16:36
  how you're going to be much more self-confident if you look good.
• 1:16:40
  Yes. It's so very important. Yes. I teach my son that too, all the time.
• 1:16:47
  Oh, it's so important. It's super important.
• 1:16:50
  You got to dress for success, both men and women. Yes.
• 1:16:54
  Now, let's say that you've been on three or four dates and you've been going
• 1:17:00
  out for a while or you're just getting back into it.
• 1:17:04
  You've been dating for a while, and you're ready to make the next move.
• 1:17:08
  What do you do? Is laundry important?
• 1:17:10
  Well, yes, your laundry is important.
• 1:17:14
  So you're ready to have sex with the man. I don't think it's the woman's job to make the first move.
• 1:17:21
  No. No, I don't think so.
• 1:17:23
  Now, I will say that one person I was intimate with, we had the phone conversation
• 1:17:29
  about it first. And then we had,
• 1:17:32
  A text conversation about getting tested second before anything happened, which is fine.
• 1:17:39
  And there's still no pressure. Let's say you decide that one night you're going
• 1:17:42
  to have sex and then it just doesn't feel right. Don't do it.
• 1:17:46
  But you've got to be comfortable in your body, too. So if you're out of shape
• 1:17:51
  and you're not going to be comfortable having sex with someone, don't have it. Yeah.
• 1:17:56
  Get in shape or get to the level you want to be before you can have it.
• 1:17:59
  Because you've got to be confident enough to have sex.
• 1:18:01
  Right. And then you'll feel beautiful, right? Yes. I always feel beautiful, though, regardless.
• 1:18:06
  I think so, too. You don't have to be perfect, but you have to be confident. Mm-hmm.
• 1:18:10
  And you have to be with someone that's not going to be disrespectful of your
• 1:18:13
  body either. Yeah, no. But if you're at the fourth or fifth date,
• 1:18:16
  you're probably already comfortable enough with your body.
• 1:18:19
  And here's the thing, ladies. Most men in their 40s, 50s, and 60s,
• 1:18:23
  they have dad bods anyway. Right.
• 1:18:25
  And so they're not perfect.
• 1:18:28
  They have their little belly. It's nice when you can find someone that's in
• 1:18:31
  shape if you're in shape, but it's not always.
• 1:18:34
  No, not always. And sometimes you have to grow together and get in shape together.
• 1:18:38
  Yeah. And some people just, they'll just always have a dad body. You just don't know.
• 1:18:42
  Yeah, some people have that indentation.
• 1:18:45
  Yeah. Some people are in shape, some people aren't. It's nice when they're in shape.
• 1:18:49
  Yeah, but it's work to be in shape. It's a lot of work.
• 1:18:53
  A lot of work. I will say I see a lot more bachelors that have been bachelors
• 1:18:56
  for a long time in shape than people that have come out of marriages.
• 1:18:59
  That's true. I'm seeing that a lot more. So people that have been in marriages,
• 1:19:03
  especially if they were unhappy, whoever was the most unhappy in the marriage
• 1:19:07
  usually comes out of that marriage out of shape.
• 1:19:10
  Right. I agree. Yeah. So if you were very unhappy, you're coming out of marriage
• 1:19:15
  out of shape. So maybe it's time to focus on you and spend time.
• 1:19:17
  But let's say you've gotten in shape to where you're comfortable enough.
• 1:19:22
  And you're ready to have sex with somebody. And you've gone four or five dates.
• 1:19:25
  And you feel safe. And it's time.
• 1:19:28
  Life happens, right? Mm-hmm. And I think you should still take it slow,
• 1:19:33
  but you really want to have that first time after to be a little romantic. Mm-hmm.
• 1:19:38
  Solo intimacy is you're going to be doing all the time anyway. Right.
• 1:19:41
  And you need to be comfortable and have had a couple discussions.
• 1:19:44
  I don't think you should rush into it.
• 1:19:46
  Mm-hmm. I don't think it should be a drunken screw fest, personally.
• 1:19:50
  Not for your first time after.
• 1:19:52
  I really don't think so. Mm-mm. And you need to let the other person know about
• 1:19:57
  your boundaries sexually.
• 1:19:58
  You know what I'm talking about, right? Right. There's safe words.
• 1:20:01
  Well, there's safe words. I mean, that's if you're doing bondage.
• 1:20:03
  But there's boundaries that you have the things you don't want to do. Right.
• 1:20:08
  Some people don't want to have sex against a wall.
• 1:20:12
  Some people just want to have missionary. Some people don't like it doggy style.
• 1:20:17
  Right. You need to open conversation. Some people don't do oral sex.
• 1:20:21
  Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Right? So those are things that you need to have a discussion with. Yeah.
• 1:20:28
  And there's no reason you can't have that discussion well before you have sex. Yeah. It worked.
• 1:20:35
  It had to both, both of you had to work together. I think so.
• 1:20:39
  I think so. And because you're going to be vulnerable when you're naked.
• 1:20:43
  Mm-hmm. And you got to be comfortable enough to allow that vulnerability.
• 1:20:48
  Mm-hmm. To exist in front of someone you haven't been naked with in the past.
• 1:20:53
  Yes. So being, going slow, being playful, talking.
• 1:20:57
  Asking what you like and don't expect your moans to tell your partner what you
• 1:21:02
  like there's nothing wrong with asking them and there's nothing wrong with them asking you,
• 1:21:08
  i see oh it's true yeah you're different because you know what each other like
• 1:21:14
  at this point at this point but in the beginning i bet you asked yeah we actually
• 1:21:19
  had conversation yes and give yourself permission to laugh.
• 1:21:24
  Yeah. And don't feel bad about it. No.
• 1:21:26
  Be careful when you laugh, ladies. If you laugh because they finished early, that's not a good thing.
• 1:21:34
  But, like, if you laugh because it's been a long time and if they ask you,
• 1:21:39
  what are you laughing at? Just say, it's been a while.
• 1:21:42
  I forgot what this felt like. Yeah. You know, I mean, you can laugh about that,
• 1:21:47
  but don't laugh on their performance.
• 1:21:48
  It'll kill a guy's ego. I don't care who they are. It'll kill a guy's ego.
• 1:21:53
  And it's a new shared experience. Now, they may have had more experience than you. I don't know.
• 1:21:59
  Or you may have more experience than them. But if it's your first time back, it's enjoyable.
• 1:22:06
  I think you should wear lingerie. Oh, lingerie is a must.
• 1:22:09
  It's not. I have talked to men. Some men like it. Some men don't.
• 1:22:13
  Some men say they just like you very naked. Some men say they just want you naked.
• 1:22:18
  I will say it's fun.
• 1:22:21
  Although it comes off very quickly. Right. Even it comes off quickly.
• 1:22:25
  I just like to be in laundry.
• 1:22:26
  Make you feel comfortable. I think it's good for married couples,
• 1:22:30
  too. Yeah. Because with married couples, it spices things up.
• 1:22:34
  I love my lingeries. Yeah.
• 1:22:36
  And I think you should have proper lighting.
• 1:22:40
  I don't think it should be bright. You know what I really like is those yellow
• 1:22:44
  lights that are more orange.
• 1:22:46
  Yeah, yeah, yeah. Amber is what they call them. Right. The amber lights,
• 1:22:49
  whether it's an amber candle or an amber light.
• 1:22:52
  Not the LED bright. No, not the LED. The amber lights make it so romantic feeling.
• 1:22:58
  And then you can have sexual eye contact. You can flirt. You can use toys even. Toys are fun.
• 1:23:07
  I'm actually thinking to redo
• 1:23:09
  my bedroom in one of the bedrooms that the interior designers suggest.
• 1:23:13
  They have a, you know, the, you know how you have a tool reading lamp? Uh-huh.
• 1:23:18
  So you could switch to like little flicking candles.
• 1:23:21
  That's nice. Yeah. Or just get an amber candle. Yeah. I have an amber nightlight.
• 1:23:26
  Yeah. That you can leave turned on. That's got the perfect light.
• 1:23:30
  And then, you know, just the fact that you're getting back out there,
• 1:23:34
  you should celebrate this.
• 1:23:36
  It should be empowering for you. I think so.
• 1:23:39
  And then, you know. Yeah, it should celebrate. It's like somebody just lit up
• 1:23:44
  your firecracker. They did.
• 1:23:45
  See? And it's going to be different than it was before. Of course.
• 1:23:49
  The sex is going to be completely different.
• 1:23:51
  Mm-hmm. and it may suck how that's
• 1:23:54
  gonna be sucked despite it you haven't done well you may not have done it for
• 1:23:57
  a while but you remember when you were a virgin oh i see and you hadn't had
• 1:24:03
  sex before and it was your first time oh a disappointment it was so your first
• 1:24:08
  time with a person may not be the best and then try it again,
• 1:24:13
  Yeah. Because sometimes it takes a little bit to learn each other's bodies and
• 1:24:17
  your intricacies because they may not have had sex with a person and they may
• 1:24:22
  be having sex the way they had sex with their wife.
• 1:24:24
  That's why it's important that you can talk it out. You talk it out.
• 1:24:29
  You do. Tell them what you like and they tell you what they don't like. Just be playful.
• 1:24:35
  Play. Yeah. Life is all about fun. It is.
• 1:24:39
  About fun. It's all about fun. When you're having fun, everything will be better.
• 1:24:44
  It is. And I encourage sex. I encourage people to fill out their bodies,
• 1:24:49
  enjoy themselves, and make sure that the woman comes first or at least comes
• 1:24:55
  during the intercourse. Yes.
• 1:24:56
  Because, man, if you're with a woman and you have sex and she does not get off,
• 1:25:02
  you might get away with it once or twice.
• 1:25:04
  But if it's a consistent problem, and it is a problem.
• 1:25:08
  You can have multiple orgasms. And women can have multiple orgasms, so don't stop at one.
• 1:25:12
  But if it becomes a consistent issue where the woman's not getting off, then there is an issue.
• 1:25:18
  And she won't want to have sex with you. And ladies, stop faking it.
• 1:25:21
  Right. You need to stop. If you fake it, you're never going to have pleasure.
• 1:25:25
  So stop faking it. If he doesn't please you, don't fake it just to have him
• 1:25:29
  stop doing it. Say, you know what? I don't enjoy that.
• 1:25:32
  Let's try something different. Be communicative. Right. But don't ever fake
• 1:25:36
  it. I don't think after the age of 30 you should ever fake an orgasm. No.
• 1:25:40
  Now, you should have orgasms and enjoy them.
• 1:25:43
  Life is too short to be fake. Yes, life is too short to be fake.
• 1:25:46
  And orgasms are very important.
• 1:25:48
  That's number one. Orgasms are the whole point.
• 1:25:52
  It's more important for the woman to get off than it is the man, honestly.
• 1:25:55
  And it doesn't take much for a woman to have opiasome, I don't think.
• 1:25:59
  It doesn't. Well, it may take five minutes. I mean, ten minutes.
• 1:26:02
  Depending on the woman. Some women take longer than others, right?
• 1:26:05
  But again, men, most of the time a woman's going to need an external clitoral
• 1:26:09
  stimulation before she actually has an internal. Yeah.
• 1:26:12
  So remember that. You G-spot second. First base is the clit.
• 1:26:16
  Second base is the G-spot. Third base is deeper inside.
• 1:26:20
  Toys. And you can have like cock rings with vibrators on it.
• 1:26:23
  There's all things you can do. if the man is having difficulty pleasuring you.
• 1:26:27
  Right. There's fingers, there's mouths, there's all kinds of things.
• 1:26:31
  We have so many discussions about that. Uh-huh.
• 1:26:33
  But I think that's another podcast. Oh, I think we need to do just that separate. We do.
• 1:26:41
  Mm-hmm. So if you have finally gotten the guts to go out again, I encourage you to do it.
• 1:26:49
  Mm-hmm. I challenge you to document the things you like when you're dating.
• 1:26:53
  Mm-hmm. And to not settle.
• 1:26:56
  Right. Because life is too short to settle. And there's so many people out there.
• 1:27:00
  We live in a wonderful time. And we can find the people because there's things
• 1:27:04
  called dating apps and meetups and social networking and friends and family. Yeah.
• 1:27:11
  All of them both. There's a ton of opportunity.
• 1:27:13
  And you can find exactly what you're looking for. Yeah. No need to cut yourself short.
• 1:27:18
  So I encourage it. And I think we've covered it all today, DevaCat. I think we do.
• 1:27:23
  Well, this is Diva Mia signing off, wishing you the best of luck on your dates. Yes.
• 1:27:28
  Same here. Wishing you all the best. Take care. Have a great week.
• 1:27:35
  Thanks for tuning in. Like, subscribe, and drop a comment. We love hearing from you.
• 1:27:41
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• 1:27:44
  See you next week for more. Thank you. in the podcast are researched and accurate
• 1:28:17
  to the best of our knowledge at the time of recording.
• 1:28:18
  Information may change over time. No guarantees are made regarding the accuracy,
• 1:28:20
  completeness, or reliability of any statements or opinions presented.
• 1:28:22
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• 1:28:24
  influence their decision.
• 1:28:25
  This podcast is for information and entertainment purposes only and should not
• 1:28:27
  be considered professional advice.