Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #861 Becoming a Hope Builder

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#861 Becoming a Hope Builder · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

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  Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families podcast. It's the podcast for.
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  Speaker 2: The time poor parent who just once answers now.
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  Speaker 1: Kylie now, and then on TikTok, amazing things pop up,
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  Speaker 1: all things that well, they grab my attention. I mean,
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  Speaker 1: it's the whole idea of TikTok, right attention grabbing. Something
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  Speaker 1: came up just the other day that I think is
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  Speaker 1: really important for every parent and I'm going to play
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  Speaker 1: it for you now. It goes for just over two
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  Speaker 1: and a half minutes, but there is just some gold
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  Speaker 1: in here for every parent who has a child who
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  Speaker 1: is stressed out, anxious, worried, fearful, apprehensive, or feeling like
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  Speaker 1: life is too hard.
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  Speaker 3: This video is a response to the below comment Today's youth,
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  Speaker 3: poisoned by affluence and overprotective parents has crippled their durability
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  Speaker 3: and motivation. Very sad, but predictable. I want to share
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  Speaker 3: some information that gives a different perspective on what durability
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  Speaker 3: and resilience really mean. Roughly twenty years ago, an episode
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  Speaker 3: of Good Morning America featured a live experiment. A scientist
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  Speaker 3: named Rick Snyder appeared with a cold presser tank, which
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  Speaker 3: is a device that uses ice water to measure someone's
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  Speaker 3: pain tolerance, Snyder challenged three men to hold their hands
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  Speaker 3: underwater for as long as they could. Now. Prior to
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  Speaker 3: the taping, he had given each of them a short questionnaire,
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  Speaker 3: and unbeknownst to the participants, he used their answers to
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  Speaker 3: predict which one of them would be first, second, and
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  Speaker 3: third to pull their hand out. At the end of
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  Speaker 3: the experiment, Snyder revealed that his predictions turned out to
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  Speaker 3: be correct. How did he know who would last the longest?
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  Speaker 3: Rick Snider was the world's first researcher to begin studying hope. Now,
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  Speaker 3: before we get into what it actually means to be hopeful,
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  Speaker 3: here's some statistics that have been shown consistently across many
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  Speaker 3: hundreds of studies on the subject. Hopeful people outperform their
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  Speaker 3: peers in just about every metric, school performance, athletic performance,
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  Speaker 3: climbing up the career ladder, responding to cancer treatment, trauma recovery,
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  Speaker 3: meaning literally any challenge tested. As for the ice water experiment,
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  Speaker 3: hopeful people have a higher pain threshold, which is how
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  Speaker 3: Rick Snyder, using a questionnaire that measured each participants level
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  Speaker 3: of hope, was able to predict who would last the longest.
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  Speaker 3: So what is hope? There are two requirements to meet
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  Speaker 3: the scientific definition. Number one, you have to be able
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  Speaker 3: to see a path to where you want to go. So,
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  Speaker 3: for example, having a goal to make more money isn't
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  Speaker 3: useful unless you can actually see a way for you
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  Speaker 3: to start making more money. And number two, you have
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  Speaker 3: to believe that your personal effort plays an important role
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  Speaker 3: in bringing about the results. This only happens from lived experience.
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  Speaker 3: For example, if you set a goal to get an
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  Speaker 3: A on a test and you study really hard, your
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  Speaker 3: hope will increase if you get an A, but it
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  Speaker 3: will likely decrease if you don't get an A after
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  Speaker 3: putting in that work. So we need to experience success
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  Speaker 3: in order to believe in ourselves. This requires starting with
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  Speaker 3: small achievable things and working our way up to more
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  Speaker 3: difficult goals. So cultivating high hope is what creates people
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  Speaker 3: who are resilient and up for meeting a challenge, and
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  Speaker 3: this is done through repeated goal setting followed by achievement.
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  Speaker 3: Affluents and overparenting don't make people less tough. That's what
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  Speaker 3: hopelessness does. If we want to raise people who can persevere,
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  Speaker 3: the only thing we need to do is help them
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  Speaker 3: personally and consistently experience the power of hope for themselves.
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  Speaker 3: This means not overburdening them with challenges that are beyond
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  Speaker 3: their current abilities, and it means not throwing them into
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  Speaker 3: the deep end before they've learned how to swim. This
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  Speaker 3: results in lower levels of hope, not increased levels of resiliency.
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  Speaker 3: Hope is essential for overcoming hostables, and humans need love, patience,
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  Speaker 3: and support while they weren't to both seeable and reachable.
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  Speaker 1: Okay, Kylie, there's a lot of information in there. I
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  Speaker 1: think we need to break it down because when kids
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  Speaker 1: are feeling hopeless, which I mean the research literature around
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  Speaker 1: what's happening to our youth right now is staggering, and
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  Speaker 1: it shows that a lot of them are feeling hopeless.
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  Speaker 1: Our job is to be hope builders. That's what parents
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  Speaker 1: need to do. But it's really tricky to be a
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  Speaker 1: hope builder.
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  Speaker 2: What does the latest statist tell us?
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  Speaker 1: So, the National Study of Mental Health and Well Beings
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  Speaker 1: just come out in the last little while, and it's
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  Speaker 1: flagged that the rate of anxiety disorders in our sixteen
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  Speaker 1: to twenty four year olds is around about twenty one
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  Speaker 1: percent for boys and forty one percent for girls. Now,
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  Speaker 1: to compare that to the two thousand and seven National
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  Speaker 1: Study anxiety disorders in that same group fifteen percent. So
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  Speaker 1: as we look at what's happened over the last not
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  Speaker 1: even full decade yet, particularly with COVID in the middle
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  Speaker 1: of it, we've gone from fifteen percent anxiety levels to
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  Speaker 1: twenty one percent for boys forty one percent for girls.
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  Speaker 1: And anxiety is fear or apprehension and worry about the future.
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  Speaker 1: It's that thing where you just think things are not
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  Speaker 1: going to be okay, you feel hopeless rather than hopeful.
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  Speaker 2: It's interesting there seems to be two camps in society.
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  Speaker 2: We either want to blame the school system for where
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  Speaker 2: our kids are sitting social media gets added in there,
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  Speaker 2: or we're looking at parents as being overbearing, overprotective and
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  Speaker 2: crippling our children. But I love what she said, this
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  Speaker 2: idea of being, like you say, a hope builder and
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  Speaker 2: what that actually does to build resilience in our kids.
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  Speaker 1: Okay, did you pick up? So she's talking about research
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  Speaker 1: from a guy called see R. Snyder. Rick Snyder who
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  Speaker 1: passed away just a few years ago. His other main
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  Speaker 1: collaborator and one of the world's foremost hope research is
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  Speaker 1: a guy called Shane Lopez has also done a lot
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  Speaker 1: of work in this area. Now, she said there are
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  Speaker 1: two things that help us to build hope in our kids.
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  Speaker 1: But then she talked about a number of extra things.
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  Speaker 1: What did you pick up on. It's really important that
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  Speaker 1: if we're going to build hope, we know what it
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  Speaker 1: is and how to build it well.
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  Speaker 2: She said that one of the most important things we
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  Speaker 2: needed to do to help our kids find hope was
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  Speaker 2: that they needed to be able to see a pathway
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  Speaker 2: to reach their goals.
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  Speaker 1: Okay, so I'm going to pause you right there. In
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  Speaker 1: Snyder's framework, there are actually that's two things, not one.
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  Speaker 1: So she's compiled that into one, but it's actually two things.
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  Speaker 1: Number one, to be hopeful, you need to have a goal.
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  Speaker 2: Do you think our kids are actually setting goals anymore?
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  Speaker 2: I don't know. I don't feel like it plays a
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  Speaker 2: huge part in our children's life like it did when
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  Speaker 2: we were growing up.
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  Speaker 1: I would generally agree with you. I certainly know across
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  Speaker 1: some families there's heavy emphasis on goals, but I'm not
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  Speaker 1: convinced that it's happening across the board. Not only do
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  Speaker 1: you have to have a goal, though, as you said,
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  Speaker 1: there's got to be a pathway to the goal. Now,
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  Speaker 1: there are two things that matter here. Number one, the
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  Speaker 1: kind of goal you're setting is important, but number two, pathways.
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  Speaker 1: It's one thing to say, oh, I want to be
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  Speaker 1: an astronaut or I want to have a whole lot
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  Speaker 1: of money, but if you don't have a way to
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  Speaker 1: get there, it doesn't make you feel hopeful. It makes
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  Speaker 1: you feel hopeless. Here's a simple case in point when
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  Speaker 1: we were students, when I was going through school and
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  Speaker 1: we were struggling. I mean we were living on nothing
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  Speaker 1: for eight and a half years while I was doing
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  Speaker 1: my UMNPIGRAD and then my PhD. I used to every
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  Speaker 1: now and again complain to my parents that I had
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  Speaker 1: no money and we were really struggling. Now, I wasn't
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  Speaker 1: asking them for favors. I was just they would ask
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  Speaker 1: what we were up to and how things were going,
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  Speaker 1: and I'd be like, we don't have any money. My mum,
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  Speaker 1: who has been a serial entrepreneur, would say, well, justin
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  Speaker 1: it sounds like you have a goal to have more money.
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  Speaker 1: And I would say yeah, and she'd say, so just
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  Speaker 1: create it. Just create it. In other words, she's saying,
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  Speaker 1: find the pathway and walk along the pathway to where
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  Speaker 1: the pot of gold is at the end of the pathway.
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  Speaker 2: But how did you feel? Every time she said that,
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  Speaker 2: I felt.
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  Speaker 1: Hopeless because I couldn't see a pathway to that financial creation.
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  Speaker 2: I remember going to different seminars that she would send
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  Speaker 2: us along to, Yes and we would listen to these
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  Speaker 2: financial gurus to talk about the pathways that they had
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  Speaker 2: taken to create financial freedom in their lives, and looking
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  Speaker 2: at you, going, how do we do?
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  Speaker 1: It's completely unreasonable, completely out of reach. It's not possible
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  Speaker 1: to do what they're wanting to to.
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  Speaker 2: Pay our bills now, and they're telling.
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  Speaker 1: Us to do X, Y and z, to invest as
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  Speaker 1: much in the property market, of the shares whatever. So.
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  Speaker 1: But the critical thing here is we had a goal
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  Speaker 1: with The goal was we needed to get our finances
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  Speaker 1: in order, and we wanted to save for our retirement
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  Speaker 1: or whatever, try to find some kind of financial freedom.
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  Speaker 1: But we did not have any pathways. I was a
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  Speaker 1: student and all I could see in me was completing
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  Speaker 1: my degree. So for our children to be hopeful, they
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  Speaker 1: definitely need to have something that they're working towards. It
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  Speaker 1: might be their school and academic grades and outcomes, or
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  Speaker 1: doing well in the cross country or the athletics carnival,
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  Speaker 1: a swimming carnival that's coming up. But they've got to
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  Speaker 1: have a pathway. And every now and again you might
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  Speaker 1: have a pathway and then something happens and the gate
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  Speaker 1: shuts on that pathway. So hopeful people don't just have
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  Speaker 1: one pathway when a gate shuts on them. They find
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  Speaker 1: a way over the fence, under the fence, around the fence,
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  Speaker 1: they find another way to get onto another pathway that
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  Speaker 1: will take them towards the goal.
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  Speaker 2: Well, the second thing that she talked about was the
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  Speaker 2: fact that they had a belief that personal effort would
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  Speaker 2: bring about results.
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  Speaker 1: The fancy word for this is agency thinking. That is,
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  Speaker 1: if I make an effort, it will yield fruit.
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  Speaker 2: So I remember in high school and doing exams and
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  Speaker 2: working really hard and studying hard, and setting a goal
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  Speaker 2: that I wanted to get a certain grade, and then
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  Speaker 2: coming out the other end and finding out that I
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  Speaker 2: didn't achieve what I'd hoped, and it just crushed me
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  Speaker 2: because I'd put in all of that effort and I'd
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  Speaker 2: worked so hard, and yet I didn't see the fruits
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  Speaker 2: of my efforts. It just made me feel like I
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  Speaker 2: wanted to give up. So how do we help our
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  Speaker 2: kids because we're going to set goals and sometimes we're
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  Speaker 2: not going to make them. Yeah this, we're not going
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  Speaker 2: to reach them.
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  Speaker 1: This is where I want to bring in my favorite
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  Speaker 1: metaphor when it comes to building hope and resilience in
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  Speaker 1: our kids. If anyone's ever seen me present on this
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  Speaker 1: topic in a conference, this is the one that I
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  Speaker 1: close with. I think it's the most important thing of all.
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  Speaker 1: What this TikToker, whose name, by the way, I should
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  Speaker 1: give credit in search of Bobcat. What in search of
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  Speaker 1: Bobcat has said towards the end of the video is
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  Speaker 1: really important. Our job is not to overburden kids. That
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  Speaker 1: does not build them hope, and it does not strengthen
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  Speaker 1: their resilience. And our job is not to throw them
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  Speaker 1: in the deep end. So when there is a failure experience,
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  Speaker 1: of course, everybody feels bad when they fail. That's normal,
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  Speaker 1: that's typical, that's human to feel like that. Our job
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  Speaker 1: when this failure experience happens is to just imagine your
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  Speaker 1: child on a balance beam. If we've got that tough
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  Speaker 1: up princess, you need to be a resilient approach. Essentially,
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  Speaker 1: they're on the balance beam and they fall off. That's
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  Speaker 1: the failure experience. Unfortunately, a lot of parents will say, well,
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  Speaker 1: you just need to get back up and get back up,
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  Speaker 1: and they have another go. I stumbled all of my words,
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  Speaker 1: but you know what I mean. They've just got to
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  Speaker 1: get up and do it again. But sometimes the fall
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  Speaker 1: can be far, and it can be hard, and it
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  Speaker 1: can lead to some real damage being done. Now, there
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  Speaker 1: are some parents nowadays, especially with so many kids who
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  Speaker 1: are suffering from anxiety, who go the opposite direction. They're
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  Speaker 1: so worried about their child, and they're so anxious about
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  Speaker 1: their child that they jump up onto the balance beam
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  Speaker 1: and carry them across so that they won't fall off.
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  Speaker 1: But that doesn't build their resilience or their hope either.
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  Speaker 1: We can't carry our kids through life. When I went
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  Speaker 1: through high school, we did this balance beam task in
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  Speaker 1: pe class where while we were on the balance beam,
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  Speaker 1: we had one person on either side of us with
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  Speaker 1: a hand up ready to support us in case we tipped.
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  Speaker 1: And I think this is a beautiful metaphor for what
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  Speaker 1: we do as parents when our children have these challenges
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  Speaker 1: fail the test. Instead of falling off the balance beam.
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  Speaker 1: What the parents basically do is they put their hand
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  Speaker 1: up on your thigh and they say, okay, just lean
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  Speaker 1: against me. This is really hard. This hurts a lot.
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  Speaker 1: But guess what. You're still on the beam, you're still
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  Speaker 1: going to school, you're still in class. Everything can work
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  Speaker 1: out here. Just lean on my arm and take a breather,
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  Speaker 1: have a think about it, and let's see if we
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  Speaker 1: can make a plan so that you can start stepping
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  Speaker 1: forward from here. Let's work out what help you need.
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  Speaker 1: Let's work out what support you need so that you
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  Speaker 1: can take these steps on your own. And when we
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  Speaker 1: do that, what we're essentially doing is we're saying failure
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  Speaker 1: is not an option. Let's help you to get to
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  Speaker 1: this goal. The goal is that you're going to pass
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  Speaker 1: the class and you're going to do well. You have
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  Speaker 1: run out of pathways because your own studying methods haven't worked.
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  Speaker 1: But I think together we can come up with a plan.
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  Speaker 1: Maybe we're going to get a tutor. Maybe we're going
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  Speaker 1: to get a big brother or sister to work with
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  Speaker 1: you an hour or two every week. Maybe there's another
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  Speaker 1: way forward that we can divide together and then Third,
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  Speaker 1: I'm going to take my hand away now because I
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  Speaker 1: think that with the personal effort that you're going to
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  Speaker 1: put in, you can do.
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  Speaker 2: This hope builder.
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  Speaker 1: Hope builder right there. The main thing that we want
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  Speaker 1: to do is see progress, tiny wins, progress, These the
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  Speaker 1: things that help build hope. We really hope that you
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  Speaker 1: can be a hope builder in your home. See what
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  Speaker 1: I do that. We hope that you can be a
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  Speaker 1: hope builder. And we think that we've given you a goal,
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  Speaker 1: the pathways, and the belief that you can do it,
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  Speaker 1: those three things that are necessary to build hope. Gee.
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  Speaker 1: We hope that it's helpful. Stop, Okay, I'll stop. I
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  Speaker 1: really appreciate the work of Justin Roland from Bridge Media,
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  Speaker 1: who produces the podcast and makes it sound great. Thank
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  Speaker 1: you also to Craig Bruce for the never ending stream
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  Speaker 1: of ideas and ways to help us to reach people
• 13:06
  Speaker 1: in more helpful ways. If you would like more information
• 13:08
  Speaker 1: about how to make your family happier, we'd love to
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  Speaker 1: help visit us at Happy families dot com dot a