Latest / The You Project / #2105 Self-Regulation in Tough Situations - Bobby Cappuccio

Transcript

#2105 Self-Regulation in Tough Situations - Bobby Cappuccio · The You Project

• 0:00
  Speaker 1: A good eight champs and championettes. I guess it's champs around, really,
• 0:05
  Speaker 1: isn't it. It's not a gender thing, good a champs.
• 0:08
  Speaker 1: It's Jumbo, it's Tiff, it's Bobby, it's the Project, that's you.
• 0:11
  Speaker 1: It's Thursday. Is it Thursday? Ye, it's Thursday, and we're
• 0:17
  Speaker 1: all busy, We're busy. Just what's her name? Tiff? I
• 0:22
  Speaker 1: had Tazzy and Tiff. TIFFs just got back from Tazzy,
• 0:27
  Speaker 1: so that twenty seven times fast. And Bobby's just got
• 0:29
  Speaker 1: back from the West Coast to the East coast, No,
• 0:33
  Speaker 1: the other way around the East coast to the West coast.
• 0:36
  Speaker 1: Is it nice being back in the sun, Bobby.
• 0:39
  Speaker 2: Well, it's Clardyon raining here. It was really nice being
• 0:42
  Speaker 2: back on the East coast. To be fair, it's blows freezing.
• 0:47
  Speaker 2: It got colder in New York than it wasn't Antartica
• 0:51
  Speaker 2: at one point, but I loved it.
• 0:54
  Speaker 1: Nice. Tazzy was Tazzy colder than here.
• 0:57
  Speaker 3: Tiff, Well, thank you for Lee because here was quite
• 1:01
  Speaker 3: ludicrous when I left, but it was. It was about
• 1:04
  Speaker 3: twenty two to twenty three every day, which in Taggy
• 1:06
  Speaker 3: is just lovely.
• 1:08
  Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, yeah, Well it's all been going on. We've
• 1:13
  Speaker 1: all had a few things going on. I want to
• 1:15
  Speaker 1: unpack any of mine, but I will one day. And Bobby,
• 1:19
  Speaker 1: how are you feeling because you've had a few peaks
• 1:22
  Speaker 1: and troughs. How's your head, how's your heart, how's your energy?
• 1:26
  Speaker 1: How to work?
• 1:29
  Speaker 2: Yeah? Things have been things have been intense. A lot
• 1:31
  Speaker 2: of stuff happened in hopes. But you know what, I'm
• 1:33
  Speaker 2: still alive. I'm still here. So let's talk about that.
• 1:37
  Speaker 1: Let's talk about like all of us coaches, all of
• 1:41
  Speaker 1: us are coaches in some shape or form, what's your
• 1:45
  Speaker 1: responsibility or what's the expectation? Because I've been thinking about
• 1:49
  Speaker 1: this lately.
• 1:50
  Speaker 2: You know.
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  Speaker 1: It's like you said to me just before we started,
• 1:55
  Speaker 1: how are your parents? And I went, yeah, I can't
• 1:57
  Speaker 1: tell you. That's not a one minute answer. That's more.
• 2:00
  Speaker 1: And by the way, everybody, thanks for all your well wishes.
• 2:03
  Speaker 1: A few struggles going on on a planet Harper, but
• 2:07
  Speaker 1: they're getting there, they're okay. But what do you think.
• 2:10
  Speaker 1: Let's start with you, tif Like, I know you have
• 2:13
  Speaker 1: peaks and troughs because you talk about it, our listeners,
• 2:15
  Speaker 1: your listeners know about it. And in the middle of
• 2:19
  Speaker 1: you know, shit falling apart, which you can sometimes for
• 2:22
  Speaker 1: a month or a week or a day or an hour.
• 2:25
  Speaker 1: What's your kind of thinking around how do I still
• 2:29
  Speaker 1: be that positive, high energy person but also be authentic
• 2:34
  Speaker 1: because at the moment, I feel like dogshit, But you
• 2:37
  Speaker 1: can't turn up to coach someone and go probably won't
• 2:39
  Speaker 1: be a great session because I'm having a moment. How
• 2:42
  Speaker 1: do you navigate that?
• 2:45
  Speaker 3: I think I'm like when you show up to do
• 2:49
  Speaker 3: a job, you kind of step into that not character
• 2:52
  Speaker 3: so much, but that professional space, like that headspace. But
• 2:56
  Speaker 3: in the middle of that, I feel like I've always
• 2:59
  Speaker 3: maintained and a pretty open persona and you know, I
• 3:05
  Speaker 3: share what's going on, not not in this session. It's
• 3:08
  Speaker 3: like once we're done with that, yeah, definitely, or maybe
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  Speaker 3: sometimes sometimes it's relevant. Sometimes it's relevant to go, oh,
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  Speaker 3: this is this is what's going on for me right now,
• 3:17
  Speaker 3: and this is what i'm you know, and sometimes there's
• 3:19
  Speaker 3: helpful insights in that.
• 3:21
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 3:22
  Speaker 1: What about for you? Energy management? Like do you get
• 3:27
  Speaker 1: to the point where you go just where I'm at
• 3:30
  Speaker 1: right now my energy and my head, like I'm just exhausted,
• 3:35
  Speaker 1: I've got no juice in the tank. It's probably better
• 3:38
  Speaker 1: for the client that I go listen, Can we just
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  Speaker 1: put this one on hold? Yeah?
• 3:44
  Speaker 3: Yeah. Often we'll not not putting people on hold often,
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  Speaker 3: but I often have to manage my energy, especially lately
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  Speaker 3: like hormones awol, and it's new for me. It's new
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  Speaker 3: to go. I'm why am I so tired right now?
• 4:00
  Speaker 3: And how like, I've had to change a lot of
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  Speaker 3: how I do things so that I can continue to
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  Speaker 3: show up because you you know, like it's people first,
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  Speaker 3: it's your job first.
• 4:09
  Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, yeah, Yeah, it's tricky.
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  Speaker 2: It's tricky.
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  Speaker 1: What about you, Robert, What about when you're not you're
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  Speaker 1: personally not feeling great, but you want to show up
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  Speaker 1: and be a version of great for your clients, or
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  Speaker 1: your team or your audience.
• 4:26
  Speaker 2: I think my perspective is similar to Tiffanis. First of all,
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  Speaker 2: I don't think it's important to show up quote unquote
• 4:32
  Speaker 2: positive all the time for every session. I was listening
• 4:35
  Speaker 2: to your podcast with doctor ca McDonald We love Them.
• 4:41
  Speaker 2: I really enjoyed that episode. But you had pointed out
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  Speaker 2: you can't always control how you feel, so there's a
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  Speaker 2: lot of influences there. So for me, it's a matter
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  Speaker 2: of what am I focusing on? Where am I directing
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  Speaker 2: my attention? Which I mean, if you have a lot
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  Speaker 2: of stuff on and you you know, let's say you
• 5:01
  Speaker 2: haven't slapped, you're fatigued, you are more susceptible to things
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  Speaker 2: like emotional contagion. But at the same time, what's also
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  Speaker 2: true is focusing single mindedly on your client. That conversation
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  Speaker 2: is in fact a form of mindfulness, and it's very
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  Speaker 2: helpful for you to step outside of yourself as much
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  Speaker 2: as you realistically can and focus single mindedly on what's
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  Speaker 2: important for the client in front of you in the moment.
• 5:29
  Speaker 2: So I don't think positivity is something that you need
• 5:34
  Speaker 2: to show up with every single session, But I think
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  Speaker 2: self awareness and tak us some time before the session,
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  Speaker 2: not jumping from one thing into another, just even a
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  Speaker 2: couple of minutes ago. Kurk Right, what's my intention here,
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  Speaker 2: where's my focus? Whatever mental reserve I have? How do
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  Speaker 2: I allocate that away from me and towards the client
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  Speaker 2: for a little while.
• 5:59
  Speaker 1: I think if we like, as you're saying this, as
• 6:02
  Speaker 1: we're saying this, I'm recognizing and respecting that most people
• 6:05
  Speaker 1: who listen to this aren't coaches. So I think it's
• 6:09
  Speaker 1: probably and that's that's not good or bad, that's just
• 6:14
  Speaker 1: a situation.
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  Speaker 2: But also I.
• 6:16
  Speaker 1: Would think the majority, more than fifty percent, may be
• 6:19
  Speaker 1: way higher of our listeners are parents, and I think
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  Speaker 1: or as a parent, or as a partner, or as
• 6:27
  Speaker 1: a boss for that matter, whatever, or a coach. Yeah,
• 6:30
  Speaker 1: how do I show up like I would think?
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  Speaker 2: Well, I wouldn't think.
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  Speaker 1: I respect that parenting is fucking infinitely harder than doing
• 6:39
  Speaker 1: the job. Us three dumb asses do right, None of
• 6:42
  Speaker 1: us to my knowledge, Bobby, unless there's something you want
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  Speaker 1: to tell differ and I right now. Although Tiff is
• 6:47
  Speaker 1: a parent of sorts and you have been to and
• 6:51
  Speaker 1: I have been for that matter, But yeah, like, just
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  Speaker 1: how do I be a mum or a dad, or
• 6:56
  Speaker 1: how do I be a good friend, or how do
• 6:58
  Speaker 1: I just be that person for that person and without
• 7:03
  Speaker 1: denying what I'm going through all my feelings but not
• 7:07
  Speaker 1: kind of let them be a victim of my not
• 7:10
  Speaker 1: feeling good in the moment, Like, how do I be
• 7:14
  Speaker 1: as consistent as I can for them?
• 7:18
  Speaker 2: Either of you? I think sometimes part of that is
• 7:24
  Speaker 2: being honest.
• 7:25
  Speaker 3: You know.
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  Speaker 2: Brene Brown said something where she talked about in marriage
• 7:30
  Speaker 2: that type of relationship. Sometimes one person shows up with
• 7:35
  Speaker 2: a lot more energy reserves than another, and you hold
• 7:39
  Speaker 2: that space like some person might be at like hundred percent,
• 7:43
  Speaker 2: but your partner might be at sixty. And you know
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  Speaker 2: the Internet, she got a lot of flak for that.
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  Speaker 2: It's like, no, everybody, you have to show up one
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  Speaker 2: hundred percent all the time, be committed. And it's like,
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  Speaker 2: I think you're being dishonest and unfair to your partner
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  Speaker 2: because even if you're showing up one hundred percent all
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  Speaker 2: the time, which will to be fair, that's unlikely that
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  Speaker 2: you do. Your one hundred looks very different day to day.
• 8:08
  Speaker 2: And sometimes, you know, just telling your partner, hey, you know,
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  Speaker 2: this is where I'm at and this is what I'm
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  Speaker 2: going through, I think that mitigates the intensity of those
• 8:18
  Speaker 2: emotions in you. It's honest, it's authentic with your partner.
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  Speaker 2: I think there's also urgency and importance. You know, some
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  Speaker 2: some conversations that are critical are important, some are urgent.
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  Speaker 2: Some are a combination of the two. So if you're
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  Speaker 2: dealing with something that is highly important but it's not urgent,
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  Speaker 2: we don't have to have this right now. I think
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  Speaker 2: sometimes just say hey, you know, this is my bandwidth
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  Speaker 2: in the moment, and I know this is important to you,
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  Speaker 2: right and I really want to be present, you know it.
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  Speaker 2: Can we do this, you know tomorrow, because I don't
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  Speaker 2: want my stuff to get in the way now. Sometimes
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  Speaker 2: things are urgent and you can't really do that and
• 9:02
  Speaker 2: then showing up as much as you possibly can. But
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  Speaker 2: I think it's that level of honesty with yourself and
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  Speaker 2: your honesty with the person you're speaking to. And by
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  Speaker 2: the way, this is coming from someone who hypocritically doesn't
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  Speaker 2: always practice that, because there's a difference between where I
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  Speaker 2: think I should be and where I actually am. And
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  Speaker 2: it's like, Okay, I'm feeling like I'll scale from one
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  Speaker 2: to ten. I'm like a four, But okay, I'm going
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  Speaker 2: to do this right now because somebody else wants me
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  Speaker 2: to do this, and there's a place I think that's important.
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  Speaker 2: But sometimes like can I give Can I give an
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  Speaker 2: example of something that happened with me? And this this
• 9:43
  Speaker 2: isn't like a personal relationship, but my first hands on
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  Speaker 2: practical coaching exam I ever took. This is going back
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  Speaker 2: a long time ago. I was ready, I was there
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  Speaker 2: at the table, I was anxious and I got on
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  Speaker 2: with instructor and she was in bits. This is someone
• 10:03
  Speaker 2: who I've been in correspondence with, and she was she
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  Speaker 2: was you could tell she's she had been crying and
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  Speaker 2: something had really gone very very wrong in her marriage
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  Speaker 2: that morning. And she's like, I don't think I have
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  Speaker 2: I don't think I have the mental space to do this,
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  Speaker 2: and I know all the preparation that went into this.
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  Speaker 2: Can we reschedule? And one I remember feeling horrible for
• 10:29
  Speaker 2: her because I know if I was on the other
• 10:34
  Speaker 2: end of that call what that would have felt like,
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  Speaker 2: plus the stuff she was going through. But I also
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  Speaker 2: remember feeling quite grateful because I thought that was not
• 10:44
  Speaker 2: something I was doing for her, that was also something
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  Speaker 2: simultaneously she was doing for me, because she could have
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  Speaker 2: powered through that, and that's something that could have affected,
• 10:55
  Speaker 2: you know, my life and hers. So I think that
• 10:57
  Speaker 2: level of openness and honest and awareness is important. Yeah,
• 11:03
  Speaker 2: one hundred percent.
• 11:05
  Speaker 1: So I'm going to present a hypothetical, or I guess
• 11:07
  Speaker 1: a question to you, tiff In. When we talk about
• 11:12
  Speaker 1: negative states that we all get into emotional and psychological,
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  Speaker 1: I'm speaking about more which we know have a physical consequence.
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  Speaker 1: But what's the state that's most likely to derail.
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  Speaker 2: You in the moment.
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  Speaker 1: So I'm sure there's more than this, but what comes
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  Speaker 1: to mind for me is anxiety, self doubt, for our
• 11:33
  Speaker 1: self loathing, overthinking. Maybe there's another one, but what's the
• 11:38
  Speaker 1: one that for you has been the biggest struggle? So
• 11:43
  Speaker 1: two part question that like, what what's going to fuck
• 11:45
  Speaker 1: you up the most? I just I may or may
• 11:50
  Speaker 1: not riff on this, but for me, I think it's unworthiness.
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  Speaker 1: I always feel not good enough, unworthy. What's the biggest
• 11:57
  Speaker 1: one for you? And then how do you deal with that?
• 12:00
  Speaker 1: You do about that?
• 12:03
  Speaker 3: I feel like maybe overwhelm because I don't recognize and
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  Speaker 3: I don't know what to do with it. And I
• 12:13
  Speaker 3: felt a bit recently, so I think overwhelmed can get
• 12:17
  Speaker 3: put me into a state of a lot of those things,
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  Speaker 3: anxiety and reactivity and irritability and negativity and being quite
• 12:27
  Speaker 3: cynical and a very different version of myself. So my
• 12:31
  Speaker 3: outlook of everything shifts, and I actually can't in that moment.
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  Speaker 3: Definitely it's a struggle to pinpoint it. So I'm like,
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  Speaker 3: I don't actually I can't recognize where this is coming from.
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  Speaker 3: It's going to take a bit of stepping back and
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  Speaker 3: getting self aware and looking at my environment and what's
• 12:49
  Speaker 3: going on at the moment and try and piece it together.
• 12:52
  Speaker 3: But yeah, just being that person in the middle of
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  Speaker 3: that is very hard and frustrating for me.
• 12:58
  Speaker 1: Because I'm this is my guess, right, that state as
• 13:02
  Speaker 1: an emotional state. You are emotional, but then you've got
• 13:05
  Speaker 1: to try and understand it logically and as critically as
• 13:10
  Speaker 1: a critical thinker, you know. And so you're in this
• 13:12
  Speaker 1: state where you're actually your prefrontal cortext is not operating
• 13:16
  Speaker 1: at an all time high, so you can't think real
• 13:18
  Speaker 1: clearly because you're in overwhelm. Yeah. Yeah, that's maybe only
• 13:23
  Speaker 1: a hindsight thing that where you can an hour or
• 13:26
  Speaker 1: two later go, nah, I think it was this and
• 13:29
  Speaker 1: this is probably the reason why.
• 13:31
  Speaker 3: Yeah. And what's interesting is because I've always been very independent.
• 13:36
  Speaker 3: I think I always it's easy to withdraw and just
• 13:39
  Speaker 3: not be around people. So that's confronting as well. So
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  Speaker 3: now I have someone in my life that I am
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  Speaker 3: speaking to every day and I can't just I can't
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  Speaker 3: just withdraw, So I have to go, oh, I can't just.
• 13:56
  Speaker 2: It's so good you said that.
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  Speaker 1: I was going to say I know I've thrown you
• 13:59
  Speaker 1: under the bus hundred times with old mate we love him,
• 14:02
  Speaker 1: good Scotti. You're a big fuck stick, Yeah, a big
• 14:06
  Speaker 1: fuck stick. But yeah, I think for you because, like
• 14:11
  Speaker 1: I've said a thousand times tips the girl who's got
• 14:15
  Speaker 1: you know, the T shirt that says give me a
• 14:18
  Speaker 1: hug and the baseball cap that says but fuck off. Though, right,
• 14:22
  Speaker 1: so like you're you're also you're quite quite lovable, but
• 14:27
  Speaker 1: a little bit fucking terrifying. And so even for me,
• 14:30
  Speaker 1: who reads people pretty well, I'm.
• 14:32
  Speaker 2: Like, eah, fuck, I don't know.
• 14:34
  Speaker 1: I don't know, you know, And I could be really.
• 14:38
  Speaker 3: Aware of being quite cunty. There's no other word to
• 14:44
  Speaker 3: describe how I feel when i'm that.
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  Speaker 1: But I'm like, can you say that again, because I
• 14:49
  Speaker 1: think I spoke of you.
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  Speaker 3: I can be very aware when I'm being quite cunty
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  Speaker 3: and go and I'm like, oh, I don't want to
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  Speaker 3: be that person, but right now that's the person that
• 15:03
  Speaker 3: is stuck inside me. And so I don't want to
• 15:06
  Speaker 3: be around people and I don't think it's fair on them.
• 15:10
  Speaker 3: And then yeah, it's a challenge.
• 15:13
  Speaker 1: And right now my Migdala is running the show. So
• 15:16
  Speaker 1: you can all fuck off get back to me in
• 15:19
  Speaker 1: an hour or so, Bobby, Bobby, what about you in
• 15:23
  Speaker 1: terms of like when something's going to come?
• 15:25
  Speaker 2: I could be county as well. Why do you ask?
• 15:28
  Speaker 1: Well, we know that, but specifically when something some emotional
• 15:33
  Speaker 1: state or whatever kind of what's the thing most likely
• 15:37
  Speaker 1: to take you.
• 15:37
  Speaker 2: Out of the game temporarily? Wow, there's so many of them.
• 15:44
  Speaker 2: I think overwhelm is definitely part of that. Overwhelm is
• 15:48
  Speaker 2: big for me. The other thing is, I don't know
• 15:51
  Speaker 2: how like whether it's self anger or disappointment. But when
• 15:57
  Speaker 2: I feel like I'm about to fail on one, not
• 16:01
  Speaker 2: fail because you know I'll feel disappointment, I'll get over it.
• 16:07
  Speaker 2: Sometimes I find failure quite engaging, like I actually enjoy
• 16:11
  Speaker 2: it because of what you learn in reflection. But if
• 16:15
  Speaker 2: I feel like I'm about to fail another person, yes,
• 16:20
  Speaker 2: that is so disruptive for me. And it can be
• 16:25
  Speaker 2: over something small like my wife send me to the
• 16:28
  Speaker 2: shop and say I bring back you know, salmon, and
• 16:32
  Speaker 2: I'll bring back I don't know, like cigarettes, cigarettes. That
• 16:38
  Speaker 2: would be funny, and I will feel this incredible sense
• 16:44
  Speaker 2: of angst inside. Like for her, she'll be like, oh okay, yeah, whatever,
• 16:48
  Speaker 2: for me, I will feel like self loathing and disgust,
• 16:53
  Speaker 2: and I'll also feel fear as if like there's going
• 16:59
  Speaker 2: to be severe repercussions. And I know where that stuff
• 17:03
  Speaker 2: comes from. Yeah, and that's not the relationship I'm in
• 17:08
  Speaker 2: in my marriage, but it's definitely the relationship I grew
• 17:11
  Speaker 2: up in. So I think, upon reflection again, to TIFF's point,
• 17:18
  Speaker 2: I can say, oh, I see what happened there. It's
• 17:21
  Speaker 2: not that serious, and I can recalibrate, But in the moment,
• 17:26
  Speaker 2: I don't really have access to my cognitive faculties. And
• 17:30
  Speaker 2: you know what, I'm a complete state.
• 17:33
  Speaker 1: So what is I think difficult sometimes is how do
• 17:39
  Speaker 1: I say this? So right now, Mum and Dad are
• 17:43
  Speaker 1: going through some stuff and Mums let's just say, you know,
• 17:48
  Speaker 1: her memory and stuff's not working great, and there's you know,
• 17:52
  Speaker 1: there's a few issues. But she will say something to
• 17:54
  Speaker 1: me one day and then emphatically say the opposite the
• 17:59
  Speaker 1: next day, right. And the thing that didn't worry her
• 18:03
  Speaker 1: the day before is a cadashphe the next day, right.
• 18:06
  Speaker 1: And so for me, the.
• 18:10
  Speaker 2: Like there's two parts this.
• 18:11
  Speaker 1: There's a real cognitive part, a critical thinking part, and
• 18:15
  Speaker 1: there's an emotional part empathy, you know, and it's trying
• 18:19
  Speaker 1: to trying to just be wherever they're at, you know,
• 18:23
  Speaker 1: rather than going, mum, we spoke about this yesterday you said, yes,
• 18:26
  Speaker 1: it's all good. And now I don't do that. I
• 18:28
  Speaker 1: don't even try to do that. I just try to
• 18:31
  Speaker 1: love her. I go, how do I be the most
• 18:32
  Speaker 1: loving and how do we get through this conversation because
• 18:35
  Speaker 1: all I don't.
• 18:36
  Speaker 2: Firstly, I want to look after them physically, but I
• 18:39
  Speaker 2: just this is weird.
• 18:41
  Speaker 1: But for me, I just want to be for them
• 18:46
  Speaker 1: emotionally and mentally, because I think that's the biggest trauma.
• 18:50
  Speaker 1: The physiology. Yeah, sure things have fallen apart a bit,
• 18:54
  Speaker 1: but you know, old people get to a point, and
• 18:57
  Speaker 1: I mean this with love nearly all old people where
• 19:01
  Speaker 1: just everything's overwhelming and terrifying and they can't remember shit,
• 19:05
  Speaker 1: and you know, it just goes there. So for me,
• 19:08
  Speaker 1: it's trying to, you know, theory of mind understand what's
• 19:12
  Speaker 1: going on in their mind, but also empathy understand what's
• 19:16
  Speaker 1: going on in their feelings and their emotions. So it's
• 19:19
  Speaker 1: this kind of duality, this dual processing thing that's happening
• 19:23
  Speaker 1: in real time. Like I'm trying to figure out what
• 19:25
  Speaker 1: the fuck is she thinking? But literally what is she thinking?
• 19:30
  Speaker 1: You know, like not critically, like curiously, what is she thinking?
• 19:34
  Speaker 1: And why and why are we here today and yesterday
• 19:37
  Speaker 1: we were there? And now emotionally what is her experience now?
• 19:42
  Speaker 1: What is she feeling now? And for me, that's it's
• 19:45
  Speaker 1: been a yeah, it's been a big step out of
• 19:50
  Speaker 1: the theory of all of this that I've spent so
• 19:52
  Speaker 1: long on and bits and pieces of you know, real
• 19:56
  Speaker 1: life and reality, but now where it's like, oh, I'm
• 19:59
  Speaker 1: at the cold face of this and as an experience
• 20:02
  Speaker 1: it is definitely not the same as the theory.
• 20:06
  Speaker 3: What harps is it like to manage because you need
• 20:10
  Speaker 3: to manage you and your overwhelmed in a moment where
• 20:15
  Speaker 3: where then you put them at the forefront, Like that's
• 20:17
  Speaker 3: a that's a bit dynamic.
• 20:20
  Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, well as being you know, at first, everyone,
• 20:26
  Speaker 1: I'm fine, but I'm pretty fucked at the moment.
• 20:28
  Speaker 2: Like I'm tired.
• 20:30
  Speaker 1: I'm tired, you know, I'm about had to delay my
• 20:35
  Speaker 1: PhD stuff a little bit, but I just got by
• 20:38
  Speaker 1: the way everyone. I've got feed This doesn't mean much
• 20:40
  Speaker 1: to most people, but I've got feedback from two quite
• 20:44
  Speaker 1: good academic journals that two of my papers are a potential,
• 20:48
  Speaker 1: so they didn't get what's called a desk reject, which
• 20:50
  Speaker 1: about ninety percent of papers get rejected straight up in
• 20:55
  Speaker 1: good as you know, Bobby in good and probably TIF
• 20:59
  Speaker 1: in good journals.
• 21:01
  Speaker 2: So that's good.
• 21:02
  Speaker 1: But yeah, so at the moment, I'm trying to finish
• 21:05
  Speaker 1: this thing that I've been chipping away at forever, and
• 21:07
  Speaker 1: I'm trying to obviously Mum and Dad in my priority
• 21:10
  Speaker 1: like flat out, so nothing else, you know, if I
• 21:13
  Speaker 1: had to move there and stop everything six months, that's
• 21:16
  Speaker 1: what I do, right, So trying to navigate that, trying
• 21:20
  Speaker 1: to manage my own energy, Like I'm going up to
• 21:22
  Speaker 1: see them tomorrow and I'm literally going up to have lunch,
• 21:27
  Speaker 1: you know, And so there's depending on the traffic, four
• 21:30
  Speaker 1: to five hours driving to spend ninety minutes with them,
• 21:34
  Speaker 1: you know, or two hours, and that's fine too. Yeah,
• 21:38
  Speaker 1: So it's the answer is I'm not great at it.
• 21:42
  Speaker 1: The answer is I'm learning, and I just, at the
• 21:48
  Speaker 1: risk is sounding cheesy, I'm trying to lead with love
• 21:52
  Speaker 1: and see what happens, try not to have a breakdown.
• 21:56
  Speaker 1: Yeah that probably sounded super sloppy, pologize everyone that's not
• 22:01
  Speaker 1: enterstanding at all.
• 22:02
  Speaker 3: I think it's important because I think it's I mean,
• 22:05
  Speaker 3: you say it to me often a version of this
• 22:08
  Speaker 3: is it like this is now when it matters, and
• 22:10
  Speaker 3: it goes to show us in a world where there's
• 22:14
  Speaker 3: solutions and information and data and how to do this
• 22:17
  Speaker 3: and how to get better. And then there's the reality
• 22:21
  Speaker 3: of it's like, it's always going to be hard, though,
• 22:23
  Speaker 3: and we're going to be messy when we get in
• 22:25
  Speaker 3: the middle of that, no matter how many PhDs and
• 22:28
  Speaker 3: how much thegory we've on board about it.
• 22:33
  Speaker 2: And also think about this.
• 22:34
  Speaker 1: Let's say Bobby goes to me, Hey, Craig, I'm really
• 22:37
  Speaker 1: dealing with I'm fucking I feel overwhelmed, and then later
• 22:40
  Speaker 1: you say to me, Hey, Craig, I feel overwhelmed. I
• 22:44
  Speaker 1: could have a conversation with Bobby that's really quite valuable
• 22:48
  Speaker 1: and therapeutic and helpful to him. I have the same
• 22:51
  Speaker 1: conversation with you. Totally misses the mark. So this is
• 22:55
  Speaker 1: the thing. Even if we can recognize the state or
• 22:58
  Speaker 1: the feeling or the emotion or the whatever, there is
• 23:02
  Speaker 1: no single answer because Bobby's answer won't be yours and
• 23:05
  Speaker 1: so on. Yeah, so how are you going in the
• 23:08
  Speaker 1: background there, Bobby, You're right.
• 23:12
  Speaker 2: Yeah, I'm just just learning about all the stuff. You well,
• 23:18
  Speaker 2: just just I think pensive overwhelm is about five minutes away,
• 23:23
  Speaker 2: so we're good.
• 23:26
  Speaker 1: See if you can put it off till about I
• 23:28
  Speaker 1: don't know, one to thirty our times, six thirty your time.
• 23:32
  Speaker 2: I'm about it. I'm putting it in your calendar six
• 23:35
  Speaker 2: thirty one. Overwhelmed. That's that's how it's getting. We have
• 23:41
  Speaker 2: to we have to time, budget time, allocate it for overwhelm. Yeah.
• 23:44
  Speaker 2: Who's got time for overwhelmed nowadays?
• 23:46
  Speaker 3: Oh?
• 23:46
  Speaker 2: Fuck it?
• 23:47
  Speaker 1: Just yeah, just schedule it. Yeah, eight o'clock, June seven, breakdown.
• 23:52
  Speaker 2: Yeap, Jack done, all right, Self care accomplished. Thanks, thanks hops.
• 23:58
  Speaker 2: I'm just I'm just less and into what you're going
• 24:01
  Speaker 2: through with your parents. And you know, my mom is
• 24:04
  Speaker 2: not in a good place. She's in remission from cancer,
• 24:06
  Speaker 2: but now she has a bunch of other things that
• 24:09
  Speaker 2: are quite serious. And you know, hmm. Amy was going
• 24:15
  Speaker 2: to come home with me two days ago, but she
• 24:19
  Speaker 2: didn't because she has to stay out there because I
• 24:22
  Speaker 2: have things that I have to be in person for
• 24:24
  Speaker 2: out here. So now she's in Brooklyn, and it's just
• 24:30
  Speaker 2: interesting do it Where you said do things with love,
• 24:34
  Speaker 2: I think that's all you can do. Sometimes it's like,
• 24:38
  Speaker 2: how do I do this with love? Because I feel
• 24:40
  Speaker 2: a tremendous amount of conflict and guilty with my mom
• 24:45
  Speaker 2: because she's she's old and she really needs help and
• 24:51
  Speaker 2: we're making sacrifices to help her and do whatever we
• 24:54
  Speaker 2: can to have Amy there, me here, but she there's
• 25:00
  Speaker 2: a lot of resentment that I feel I have because
• 25:04
  Speaker 2: I mean, she was not a great mother. That's that's
• 25:08
  Speaker 2: putting it mildly. Growing up, Yes, and now that you're
• 25:13
  Speaker 2: seeing cognitive decline, there are certain attributes that she can't
• 25:19
  Speaker 2: mask as well, and they're coming out and it's like, oh, okay,
• 25:24
  Speaker 2: there you are, I remember you. Like, So she has
• 25:29
  Speaker 2: spent the past I don't know, oof the past fifteen
• 25:33
  Speaker 2: years trying to be very sweet and you know, like
• 25:38
  Speaker 2: make amends for everything, and that's been a that's that's
• 25:42
  Speaker 2: been a winding road. Sometimes it's been better than others.
• 25:45
  Speaker 2: But now now there's parts of her peeking out through
• 25:49
  Speaker 2: the surface, and it's hard for me to deal with it. Yeah,
• 25:54
  Speaker 2: that is tough. Without getting into it, and it's like, wow,
• 25:57
  Speaker 2: that's that's not a nice person coming out, and like,
• 26:02
  Speaker 2: what do you do? Because sometimes I get quite angry.
• 26:06
  Speaker 2: It's like, just you just got to take a moment,
• 26:09
  Speaker 2: you got to recalibrate, and you got to do this
• 26:12
  Speaker 2: with love. Like it's okay to feel what you're feeling.
• 26:15
  Speaker 2: First of all. I think trying to trying to repress
• 26:19
  Speaker 2: it causes it to come out in ugli or dysfunctional ways.
• 26:25
  Speaker 2: But take it, own it and move forward with love. Anyway.
• 26:28
  Speaker 2: My wife, like Amy, is amazing at that she's taking
• 26:32
  Speaker 2: care of another person who's getting quite on along in
• 26:37
  Speaker 2: years and she's able to say, Okay, this person is
• 26:43
  Speaker 2: who they are, But how do I show up lovingly? Anyway?
• 26:48
  Speaker 2: I think that is that is a beautiful attribute. And
• 26:51
  Speaker 2: sometimes people you can do.
• 26:54
  Speaker 1: I think that what you're doing is incredibly hard, and
• 26:59
  Speaker 1: you know, sometimes times, God bless them old people. And
• 27:03
  Speaker 1: I mean that respectfully everyone. I mean old. I mean
• 27:05
  Speaker 1: eighty My parents are eighty six, right, eighty seven this year,
• 27:10
  Speaker 1: And some of the stuff that comes out at times
• 27:13
  Speaker 1: it's like, oh, you know, but my inner voice goes, hey,
• 27:19
  Speaker 1: most of your life has been in the ballpark of
• 27:22
  Speaker 1: fucking amazing, right, so shut up. Secondly, you talk about
• 27:27
  Speaker 1: all this shit all the time, Well, now there's the
• 27:30
  Speaker 1: opportunity for you to do the shit, to be the shit.
• 27:33
  Speaker 1: Like otherwise, I'm just a voice in the wind that's
• 27:36
  Speaker 1: talking bullshit. And as I say to people all the time,
• 27:41
  Speaker 1: what I care about most is what you're doing when
• 27:43
  Speaker 1: no one's looking or giving you applause or and there's
• 27:46
  Speaker 1: just that where you go, Yeah, I can could I
• 27:50
  Speaker 1: in some instances find a reason to feel sorry for
• 27:54
  Speaker 1: myself if I want it.
• 27:55
  Speaker 2: What does that help me?
• 27:56
  Speaker 1: No?
• 27:56
  Speaker 2: Does that help them?
• 27:57
  Speaker 1: No? Does it change the situation? No?
• 27:59
  Speaker 2: Does it produce a good outcome?
• 28:00
  Speaker 1: No? All right, so let's not do that.
• 28:03
  Speaker 2: Let's do it.
• 28:03
  Speaker 1: Not do it one because it's dumb, and two because
• 28:06
  Speaker 1: you don't want to be that person and you want to,
• 28:08
  Speaker 1: as we said, leave with love. So yeah, dude, I
• 28:11
  Speaker 1: feel for you, and I you know, like this is weird,
• 28:17
  Speaker 1: but you know, since we met all those years ago,
• 28:20
  Speaker 1: you've always kind of been that little sometimes lost brother
• 28:24
  Speaker 1: where you know, I know how uh disconnected you can
• 28:30
  Speaker 1: feel from people, you know, because you're you're not typical.
• 28:34
  Speaker 1: You're not typical, You're not the same. I don't I
• 28:36
  Speaker 1: know fucking thousands of people. I don't know one person
• 28:39
  Speaker 1: like you. I don't know one person who's I go, oh,
• 28:43
  Speaker 1: this person really reminds me of Bobby. And I know
• 28:46
  Speaker 1: that there's a lot of you know, I mean, we're
• 28:49
  Speaker 1: just here, so mus well, stay here. But there's you know,
• 28:52
  Speaker 1: there's a lot of pain in you. And I know
• 28:54
  Speaker 1: that you mask that. I see that, I see you
• 28:57
  Speaker 1: just you know, you get to a point of a
• 29:00
  Speaker 1: conversation where you're like, right, let's do a left turn
• 29:02
  Speaker 1: and talk about Dix or whatever it is. You know
• 29:05
  Speaker 1: me too, you know where you go, fuck, let's do
• 29:08
  Speaker 1: something funny. Well, that's true, that's more me. Let's be honest.
• 29:13
  Speaker 2: That's me.
• 29:14
  Speaker 1: Yeah, I think you're I'm the fucking big brother with
• 29:18
  Speaker 1: no morals. But yeah, you know, it's just that we
• 29:22
  Speaker 1: just cope the way that we cope. Sometimes it's deflection,
• 29:24
  Speaker 1: sometimes it's humor. Sometimes it's pointing a finger back and
• 29:28
  Speaker 1: going nah, fuck you, which is probably not a good recommendation,
• 29:31
  Speaker 1: but yeah, I think sometimes on this show, you know,
• 29:36
  Speaker 1: it's all well and good to go. Well, in this situation,
• 29:39
  Speaker 1: we should probably try a bit of this and sprinkle
• 29:41
  Speaker 1: a bit of that on and you know, here's four
• 29:44
  Speaker 1: things you can try. Well maybe maybe sometimes though I
• 29:48
  Speaker 1: think you're just The thing is to just sit in
• 29:50
  Speaker 1: the middle of the shit and feel what you feel
• 29:52
  Speaker 1: and see what comes up, and see what you can
• 29:55
  Speaker 1: figure out, rather than what any of us genie I
• 29:58
  Speaker 1: are thrown at you, because I think that's as cliche
• 30:02
  Speaker 1: as it sounds. I think experiences and interactions and life
• 30:08
  Speaker 1: is the best classroom. Like just going through a shit
• 30:11
  Speaker 1: is where you learn, you know. I don't think you
• 30:14
  Speaker 1: can learn about grief without going through grief. You know,
• 30:18
  Speaker 1: you just learn the theory of grief. Go through grief.
• 30:21
  Speaker 2: Motherfucker. That is different.
• 30:23
  Speaker 1: That is so far from those seven points I read
• 30:26
  Speaker 1: in that book, those five stages of grief.
• 30:29
  Speaker 2: Those this the.
• 30:30
  Speaker 1: Fuck and hell this is nothing like because one is
• 30:33
  Speaker 1: just a kind of a theoretical framework, which theoretical frameworks
• 30:38
  Speaker 1: have their place. But I cannot explain the shit that
• 30:42
  Speaker 1: I'm feeling. So you and your theories fuck off, you know,
• 30:46
  Speaker 1: and you just kind of work through it a bit. Yeah,
• 30:49
  Speaker 1: So a tip, do you not because you were going
• 30:52
  Speaker 1: to map maybe have to jump out? Are you still good?
• 30:54
  Speaker 3: I do no longer need to.
• 30:57
  Speaker 1: Oh, perfect right, well say something mind blowingly wise, were you?
• 31:01
  Speaker 1: Because Bobby and I haven't fucking silk over.
• 31:04
  Speaker 3: Here, just as you've been talking a mull over that
• 31:08
  Speaker 3: idea around what we how we approach or what we
• 31:12
  Speaker 3: do with the recognizing the pain or the herd and
• 31:19
  Speaker 3: feel like that idea of how do you feel what
• 31:21
  Speaker 3: you feel without and not make it bigger, but allow
• 31:26
  Speaker 3: it to be there and not suppress it and do
• 31:29
  Speaker 3: something healthy with it. Because because I was talking to
• 31:32
  Speaker 3: a guest earlier this week and around that concept of
• 31:36
  Speaker 3: when we don't express things, When we don't don't express
• 31:41
  Speaker 3: our feelings or what's inside and we suppress that, it's toxic,
• 31:46
  Speaker 3: we get sick. It's like that if there's dark emotions there,
• 31:51
  Speaker 3: if we have hurt and pain, like I kept a
• 31:53
  Speaker 3: secret for thirty years and didn't speak up. So I'm
• 31:58
  Speaker 3: really passionate about it. But in saying that is also
• 32:01
  Speaker 3: a way to not hold it and make it heavy
• 32:05
  Speaker 3: and to not project it onto other people. So as
• 32:07
  Speaker 3: you talk about all of this, I'm just I'm thinking
• 32:12
  Speaker 3: about that.
• 32:13
  Speaker 1: Yeah, that works for us.
• 32:16
  Speaker 4: Yeah, I also think about you know, when you're talking
• 32:20
  Speaker 4: to someone and they're going through something, and you recognize
• 32:24
  Speaker 4: the thing that they're going through in the moment mentally
• 32:27
  Speaker 4: and emotionally, that it isn't real objectively, it is subjectively
• 32:33
  Speaker 4: the experience is real for them.
• 32:36
  Speaker 1: Like I watch my mum take a zero out of
• 32:39
  Speaker 1: ten event or issue and it becomes a ten out
• 32:44
  Speaker 1: of ten problem. But from the outside looking in, I
• 32:47
  Speaker 1: don't think anyone else would think that, but Mum does
• 32:50
  Speaker 1: in the moment. And so when I was young and dumber,
• 32:56
  Speaker 1: I would try to go, Mum, you just like you're
• 32:58
  Speaker 1: just creating something out of nothing, There is no issue,
• 33:01
  Speaker 1: you just invent Well. Not surprisingly, that didn't fucking help,
• 33:07
  Speaker 1: But that didn't give her like some light bulb moment
• 33:11
  Speaker 1: of clarity and self awareness, right, So then I had
• 33:16
  Speaker 1: to learn to acknowledge what was actually going on, but
• 33:19
  Speaker 1: respect what was going on for mum. And what was
• 33:23
  Speaker 1: going on for Mum was this is a major problem,
• 33:27
  Speaker 1: and with this major problem comes anxiety and fear. And
• 33:32
  Speaker 1: so I'm respecting the emotional state and the feeling and
• 33:36
  Speaker 1: the personal reality that she is inhabiting, and I'm speaking
• 33:41
  Speaker 1: to that person. I'm not speaking to the external issue.
• 33:46
  Speaker 1: Because if you look through the lens of empathy, and
• 33:50
  Speaker 1: you know what they call in psychology self other awareness.
• 33:55
  Speaker 1: You have this different experience versus Oh, Craig, the fucking
• 34:00
  Speaker 1: fixes here, Hey, Greg, the fix a fuck off? Get
• 34:03
  Speaker 1: in the car. You know we don't need that guy.
• 34:07
  Speaker 1: You with me, Bobby.
• 34:10
  Speaker 2: Totally. I feel like this is one of the biggest
• 34:14
  Speaker 2: problems in relationships, and it's a massive cause of suffering
• 34:19
  Speaker 2: for others and ourselves. Is the inability to see past
• 34:23
  Speaker 2: our own thought processes, biases, and where we are in
• 34:28
  Speaker 2: the present moment and just sit with someone not based
• 34:32
  Speaker 2: on fixing their situation, but what is it like to
• 34:36
  Speaker 2: be that person in the moment. I just want to
• 34:38
  Speaker 2: point something out because I was thinking about this in
• 34:41
  Speaker 2: the call today. I was thinking about you on my
• 34:44
  Speaker 2: way to an event because I was listening to your
• 34:48
  Speaker 2: show with Cam and I've witnessed vicariously on a few
• 34:56
  Speaker 2: of your shows as of late, you challenge your own
• 35:01
  Speaker 2: perspective and thought process and kind of not moving beyond it,
• 35:07
  Speaker 2: still holding it, but also considering what else might be
• 35:11
  Speaker 2: true and meeting your guests there, and I thought, wow,
• 35:15
  Speaker 2: you know, it's amazing to see like Harps like on
• 35:21
  Speaker 2: a show in real time growing because you were doing
• 35:25
  Speaker 2: it with Cam And I'm not going to get into
• 35:29
  Speaker 2: where I how, but I've heard you do that on
• 35:32
  Speaker 2: a couple of other shows I've experienced to do that
• 35:34
  Speaker 2: with me, and I'm thinking, I just want to point
• 35:37
  Speaker 2: that out because I don't know if you realize it
• 35:39
  Speaker 2: or you're noticing this, but I am seeing you as
• 35:43
  Speaker 2: a person like my dear friend growing Yeah, even at
• 35:48
  Speaker 2: your advanced stage. Ha ha, there it is, there, it is.
• 35:53
  Speaker 1: Fuck, thank god you did that. I was getting so uncomfortable.
• 35:59
  Speaker 1: Oh relief, But this is what I think, Like, you
• 36:05
  Speaker 1: know how people have to be right some people, and
• 36:07
  Speaker 1: sometimes I've been that that people. And when I'm unemotional
• 36:14
  Speaker 1: as I can be, and I'm as objective as I
• 36:17
  Speaker 1: can be and I'm as self aware as I can be,
• 36:20
  Speaker 1: I look.
• 36:21
  Speaker 2: Back over the last say forty years of.
• 36:22
  Speaker 1: Grown upness, and I go, how many times have you
• 36:26
  Speaker 1: made a mistake or how many times have you got
• 36:28
  Speaker 1: something wrong? I'd say, oh, fuck, I really don't know,
• 36:31
  Speaker 1: but like very small to very big, probably multiple times
• 36:35
  Speaker 1: a day. Well let's go, well that's five, let's go
• 36:38
  Speaker 1: forty years. Let's go two hundred times, three hundred and
• 36:41
  Speaker 1: sixty five days. You know, whatever, it's thousands or tens
• 36:45
  Speaker 1: of thousands of times, and I just go, well, of
• 36:49
  Speaker 1: course I'm still getting things wrong, probably at the same
• 36:51
  Speaker 1: rate or maybe higher. And so I think the having
• 36:59
  Speaker 1: enough awareness and humility and courage, which I do not
• 37:04
  Speaker 1: always have, but to be able to go this is
• 37:07
  Speaker 1: what I really fucking think. But I could be wrong,
• 37:12
  Speaker 1: because I've been wrong many times. It's like you and
• 37:14
  Speaker 1: I grew up in a pretty religious paradigm part of
• 37:17
  Speaker 1: our lives anyway, and so we had certain beliefs in
• 37:20
  Speaker 1: data DA and I still have certain beliefs. But is
• 37:24
  Speaker 1: there a chance I'm wrong? Of course about some of it,
• 37:27
  Speaker 1: all of it, a bit of it, of course. So
• 37:31
  Speaker 1: my faith or my belief doesn't have to be wired
• 37:38
  Speaker 1: into certainty or knowledge. It's like, well, of course there's
• 37:42
  Speaker 1: you know, So I think that I actually think being
• 37:46
  Speaker 1: okay with being wrong is just liberating.
• 37:51
  Speaker 3: You know.
• 37:52
  Speaker 2: I think it makes life so much easier for you,
• 37:55
  Speaker 2: well by you, I mean us, Yes, yes, it's strength
• 38:00
  Speaker 2: things relationships, and I think I believe it expands your
• 38:05
  Speaker 2: capacity for thought because you don't have to let go
• 38:08
  Speaker 2: of your point of view in order to embrace somebody
• 38:13
  Speaker 2: else's point of view and know that both might be
• 38:18
  Speaker 2: wrong correct somewhere in between, or it doesn't matter because
• 38:24
  Speaker 2: that is their reality, and it is their reality infringing
• 38:28
  Speaker 2: upon their life in a negative way or anybody else's.
• 38:31
  Speaker 2: Is it depriving them from a fundamental right? If the
• 38:34
  Speaker 2: answer is no, you're just talking about differences in perspective.
• 38:37
  Speaker 2: And if everybody has the same perspective, the vast majority
• 38:40
  Speaker 2: of us are redundant, aren't we. So I think it's
• 38:43
  Speaker 2: like in NLP they call it different positions like first, second, third,
• 38:47
  Speaker 2: and fourth. I think that's a powerful mental exercise where, Okay,
• 38:53
  Speaker 2: what is my point of view? Because if I'm going
• 38:56
  Speaker 2: to be with you, I have to be anchored with me.
• 38:59
  Speaker 2: What do I believe? Okay, now here's my point of view.
• 39:04
  Speaker 2: How can I step over to your side of the
• 39:07
  Speaker 2: table and see the world through your eyes as much
• 39:09
  Speaker 2: as possible? So let me take the perspective of Craig.
• 39:14
  Speaker 2: And then third position would be Tiffany, if I was
• 39:19
  Speaker 2: sitting at this table and I was observing this conversation,
• 39:25
  Speaker 2: what would be my point of view there? And then
• 39:27
  Speaker 2: stepping even back one level beyond that, universally, what could
• 39:34
  Speaker 2: be interpreted from this and I think when you go
• 39:37
  Speaker 2: through those different dvantage points, One, it mitigates a lot
• 39:41
  Speaker 2: of anxiety and reactivity too, it connects you empathy, and three,
• 39:46
  Speaker 2: I think it expands your capacity for thought and adaptability,
• 39:50
  Speaker 2: which is a quintessential component of resilience. Yeah, love it,
• 39:56
  Speaker 2: love it.
• 39:57
  Speaker 1: I think I'm going to go to YouTube. I feel
• 40:00
  Speaker 1: like a lot of times we want to be right
• 40:04
  Speaker 1: because the thing that we believe is a form of
• 40:09
  Speaker 1: identity for us. It's like part of our identity is
• 40:13
  Speaker 1: tied into you know, like I used to anyway, I
• 40:19
  Speaker 1: won't bang on about me, but do you feel like
• 40:21
  Speaker 1: that ever? Like, oh, I'm this person or people see
• 40:24
  Speaker 1: me as that person, so I've got to be that.
• 40:26
  Speaker 1: And also I want to be right because I want
• 40:29
  Speaker 1: people to think I'm smart. And you know, it's like
• 40:33
  Speaker 1: or you know, when people talk about who I am.
• 40:35
  Speaker 1: I am a Christian, I am a vegetarian, I am
• 40:38
  Speaker 1: a tennis player, I am a whatever, I'm a Manchester
• 40:42
  Speaker 1: United supporter, I am like we talk about something that
• 40:46
  Speaker 1: isn't actually us and we make an im statement before it. Yeah,
• 40:51
  Speaker 1: So I think it's really easy to get trapped into
• 40:53
  Speaker 1: that thing if you don't want to, especially if you
• 40:56
  Speaker 1: believe something for twenty years.
• 40:58
  Speaker 3: Yeah, and I think just one an answer and certainty.
• 41:04
  Speaker 3: And it's how we on one hand, we sit here
• 41:07
  Speaker 3: and we always saying everyone's different. My answer is not
• 41:10
  Speaker 3: your answer. Everyone needs something different. But then there's the
• 41:13
  Speaker 3: other part of us that goes, this is what I've learned,
• 41:16
  Speaker 3: and this is how it is, and this is what
• 41:18
  Speaker 3: I believe. And we have to remember that you're holding
• 41:21
  Speaker 3: those two things and you're speaking to a world of
• 41:24
  Speaker 3: people that have that are that are different. So that
• 41:28
  Speaker 3: thing we believe and we said we have to realize
• 41:30
  Speaker 3: is also extremely flawed for a lot of people. Yes, yes,
• 41:36
  Speaker 3: and it's hard.
• 41:38
  Speaker 1: Well, I've taught things to groups, like to audiences where
• 41:43
  Speaker 1: now I'm like so embarrassed that I taught that. I'm like,
• 41:46
  Speaker 1: I've said things to a thousand people in a room
• 41:49
  Speaker 1: that bullshit, and now I like, oh fuck, I hope
• 41:52
  Speaker 1: nobody remembers that day.
• 41:54
  Speaker 2: It was a while ago. I hope they don't remember that.
• 41:57
  Speaker 1: I said that, because I know I was actually I
• 41:59
  Speaker 1: thought I was right talking about whatever it was, and
• 42:03
  Speaker 1: now I know I wasn't right, like factually scientifically, like
• 42:07
  Speaker 1: you know, or I wasn't totally right. Is there anything
• 42:10
  Speaker 1: that you used to teach Bobby or talk about with
• 42:12
  Speaker 1: a level of certainty that you now go? What the fuck?
• 42:15
  Speaker 2: Was I thinking? Yeah, nearly eighty percent of what I
• 42:20
  Speaker 2: used to teach, because that's the key word there, right.
• 42:23
  Speaker 2: It's not that I believe this and I thought it
• 42:27
  Speaker 2: was useful and I conveyed it. It's I taught that
• 42:32
  Speaker 2: with so much certainty because I strongly believed this is
• 42:37
  Speaker 2: not how I am, this is how the world is. Wow.
• 42:41
  Speaker 2: And that's a major blind spot. And I think what
• 42:45
  Speaker 2: Tiff was talking about earlier with reflecting after the fact
• 42:48
  Speaker 2: on emotional states and responses is critical because when we
• 42:52
  Speaker 2: don't do that, when we don't acknowledge an emotion, it
• 42:55
  Speaker 2: comes out in so much uglier ways. For me, it
• 42:59
  Speaker 2: was certainty and judgment about how people should live when
• 43:02
  Speaker 2: I was in my twenties, like about how people should work,
• 43:05
  Speaker 2: which was pretty much all the time, and think about
• 43:08
  Speaker 2: nothing else because everything else is a feud to waste
• 43:10
  Speaker 2: of time or I had a guest on well, I
• 43:15
  Speaker 2: guess this is our show, so this show years back.
• 43:19
  Speaker 2: I forgot his name, and he pointed out how we
• 43:23
  Speaker 2: were having a similar conversation, how one of my behaviors
• 43:27
  Speaker 2: is highly narcissistic. Now, he did not say that I
• 43:30
  Speaker 2: am a narcissist. He just said that my behavior patterns
• 43:34
  Speaker 2: were narcissistic. And it comes down to I think the
• 43:37
  Speaker 2: example was if I say I'm going to clean out
• 43:41
  Speaker 2: the dishwasher and then Amy comes home and I forgot
• 43:46
  Speaker 2: to clean out the dishwasher. Yes, I mentioned earlier that
• 43:50
  Speaker 2: one of the emotional states that is problematic for me
• 43:54
  Speaker 2: is when I feel I have failed someone. And what
• 43:58
  Speaker 2: I would do in that funny story about work not
• 44:01
  Speaker 2: too funny, what I would do is I would get
• 44:03
  Speaker 2: into oh my god, I'm horrible. I would just completely
• 44:09
  Speaker 2: come undone and self loath. And he's like, okay, So
• 44:12
  Speaker 2: now your wife not only has to deal with the
• 44:16
  Speaker 2: fact that after a long day and you were supposed
• 44:19
  Speaker 2: to do something, you broke a promise. Not intentionally, but
• 44:22
  Speaker 2: you broke a promise. She also now has to deal
• 44:25
  Speaker 2: with your emotions about it. So now it's all about you.
• 44:29
  Speaker 2: That's that's narcissistic behavior. You might feel horrible and communicate
• 44:36
  Speaker 2: that you feel horrible. What she really needs is, yes,
• 44:39
  Speaker 2: I drop the ball on that, And this is how
• 44:42
  Speaker 2: I'm going to make sure this doesn't happen again, because
• 44:45
  Speaker 2: you've got a lot of shit on and when you
• 44:48
  Speaker 2: asked me to clear out the dishwasher and I agree
• 44:50
  Speaker 2: to it, you probably should have the confidence that it's done.
• 44:54
  Speaker 2: So the other day at work, real fast this was
• 44:56
  Speaker 2: not great. So I was trying, I want to remember
• 45:00
  Speaker 2: an acronym of an event that I got accepted to
• 45:04
  Speaker 2: speak at, and I'm communicating with one of my partners
• 45:08
  Speaker 2: and I forgot the name, and I was like, she
• 45:11
  Speaker 2: is going to be so disappointed in me. She's not
• 45:13
  Speaker 2: going to know who I'm talking about. And she's like,
• 45:16
  Speaker 2: WHOA what is this? I don't remember? And thinking about
• 45:20
  Speaker 2: her disappointment in me forgetting the acronym of the organization,
• 45:24
  Speaker 2: I start like trying to copy and paste the acceptance
• 45:28
  Speaker 2: letter of the signature, and as I'm doing that, I'm
• 45:30
  Speaker 2: struggling to copy and paste and I didn't even realize
• 45:34
  Speaker 2: I said this. It must have been a Tourette's moment,
• 45:36
  Speaker 2: but I was like, you are so stupid, and I
• 45:42
  Speaker 2: didn't realize I had my voice dictation button on. So
• 45:46
  Speaker 2: the message I sent to my colleague was, hey, I
• 45:49
  Speaker 2: got accepted for both of these submissions. You are so stupid. Hey,
• 45:56
  Speaker 2: oh that is great. That is great. Yeah, I hope
• 46:00
  Speaker 2: you going through hell right now. Not if you're in HR.
• 46:05
  Speaker 2: It's not great now because it was obvious, there was
• 46:07
  Speaker 2: no context why I would say that. But she was like,
• 46:10
  Speaker 2: explain yourself, what do you mean I'm so stupid? I
• 46:14
  Speaker 2: was like, what what do you mean? You're stupid? And
• 46:17
  Speaker 2: I looked and I realized voice dictation was on. Now
• 46:21
  Speaker 2: I wasn't talking to her, I was talking to me,
• 46:26
  Speaker 2: and I didn't even realize I said that all because
• 46:30
  Speaker 2: of that pattern, Like I should know this acronym. It's
• 46:34
  Speaker 2: a stupid little thing. But I blew it up in
• 46:37
  Speaker 2: my mind. And then I said something really unkind to myself,
• 46:42
  Speaker 2: sent it over, which she for a second could have
• 46:44
  Speaker 2: interpreted as aimed at her. It's extremely destructive to not
• 46:49
  Speaker 2: deal with your emotions and your triggers.
• 46:53
  Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, wow, dude, that is But I had done
• 46:58
  Speaker 1: do that to yourself, done to that either. You know,
• 47:02
  Speaker 1: you're a little battler, but you're right, you're a little
• 47:05
  Speaker 1: ussy batla.
• 47:06
  Speaker 2: But the thing is, I didn't realize I did it.
• 47:08
  Speaker 2: It's not like I consciously said it. Mus it's it's kind.
• 47:12
  Speaker 2: I don't want to blame it on Touret's but it
• 47:14
  Speaker 2: was like a terrest moment. I had no idea that
• 47:17
  Speaker 2: I ever uttered that. Even after the fact, no clue.
• 47:20
  Speaker 2: When I looked at the message, I was astonished. I
• 47:25
  Speaker 2: was like, really, I said that about myself in that
• 47:28
  Speaker 2: moment and sent that over. Actually, that's not great.
• 47:33
  Speaker 1: I so want you to have a live on the
• 47:35
  Speaker 1: stage Turett's moment, which is very unfair of me. But fuck,
• 47:38
  Speaker 1: ID love.
• 47:39
  Speaker 2: That all that that that'll never happen because stage is
• 47:44
  Speaker 2: that environment is the most conducive to controlling your terrest's symptoms.
• 47:50
  Speaker 2: You're putting out a ton of physical energy with complete
• 47:53
  Speaker 2: intense mental focus. That is the last place I would
• 47:57
  Speaker 2: do that.
• 47:58
  Speaker 1: There's this kid must have made and it was years ago. Now,
• 48:01
  Speaker 1: who was on Australian Idol. Do you know a singer
• 48:03
  Speaker 1: called Delta Gudrum Bobby now okay, so very well known
• 48:09
  Speaker 1: Australian singer, great singer, bye bah blah. Anyway, she was
• 48:12
  Speaker 1: one of the judges and this young dude had all
• 48:16
  Speaker 1: kinds of fucking savage ticks and Tourette's and busy. You know,
• 48:21
  Speaker 1: it's busy, and then when he sang, it all went
• 48:25
  Speaker 1: away and he could sing like an angel. So anyway, huh,
• 48:29
  Speaker 1: so good, so good. So he sings and he's fucking amazing,
• 48:36
  Speaker 1: and Delta comes up to give him a hug, and
• 48:40
  Speaker 1: Delta's giving him a hug, and he goes on.
• 48:43
  Speaker 4: National television Delta's Hot, Delta's Hot.
• 48:50
  Speaker 1: And it was just the best. It was the best
• 48:53
  Speaker 1: because he was like seventeen or something, and I don't know,
• 48:56
  Speaker 1: she was probably twenty eight and gorgeous, and it was
• 48:59
  Speaker 1: just my go that's the best thing ever. And like
• 49:03
  Speaker 1: people Jersey, she took it great. She was great. Yeah,
• 49:08
  Speaker 1: everybody loved it. Everybody knew what was going on.
• 49:11
  Speaker 2: You know.
• 49:11
  Speaker 1: It was kind of like, oh my god, but also
• 49:15
  Speaker 1: hilarious and also sweet. So I wonder what that little
• 49:19
  Speaker 1: dude's name is and where is that now?
• 49:23
  Speaker 2: To you?
• 49:23
  Speaker 1: If any final thoughts or wisdom that you want to
• 49:26
  Speaker 1: impart with us to bullfheads or the non buffheads in
• 49:29
  Speaker 1: our audience.
• 49:31
  Speaker 3: Nothing here, harps. I might just drop into Overwhelm a
• 49:33
  Speaker 3: few minutes before Bobby.
• 49:35
  Speaker 1: Actually, yeah, okay, Bobby's got seven minutes, seven minutes away,
• 49:42
  Speaker 1: seven minutes away from overwhelmed, so enjoy that. Maybe get
• 49:45
  Speaker 1: yourself a drink.
• 49:48
  Speaker 2: Minutes. Sex is going to be rough, I know what's common.
• 49:51
  Speaker 1: Yeah. So Bobby's podcast is called the Self Help Antidote.
• 50:00
  Speaker 2: Uh.
• 50:01
  Speaker 1: Tis podcast is called Roll with the Punches.
• 50:04
  Speaker 2: Uh.
• 50:05
  Speaker 1: Bobby can be found on LinkedIn, and he has a
• 50:10
  Speaker 1: website called is it Robert Capuccio dot com?
• 50:15
  Speaker 2: Yeah? Coincidentally enough, Yeah, I.
• 50:17
  Speaker 1: Couldn't remember if it was fucking pony Boy or Robert.
• 50:23
  Speaker 1: I think that's us, Tiff, that I forget anything for you.
• 50:27
  Speaker 1: Tiff enjoys water sports and meeting people, but not anymore
• 50:30
  Speaker 1: because she's got the fucking she's got the goat, she's
• 50:33
  Speaker 1: got the fucking cooda, she's got the don't worry about that.
• 50:36
  Speaker 1: She's got the number one fucking boy in town, much
• 50:41
  Speaker 1: to everyone's surprise, and that, oh support something so funny
• 50:47
  Speaker 1: to say nine of my audience would be like, you're
• 50:51
  Speaker 1: the best ten percent of I'm going to send you
• 50:54
  Speaker 1: a fucking email. I can't. I can't. I'll tell you off, heir,
• 50:57
  Speaker 1: But I know listeners, if we didn't have, like you know,
• 51:02
  Speaker 1: all those people who send me emails that I totally deserve.
• 51:07
  Speaker 1: By the way, I could tell you, but I can't.
• 51:10
  Speaker 2: How should have a blooper's link so you could share
• 51:13
  Speaker 2: it with the audience, And then, because it's a blooper's link,
• 51:17
  Speaker 2: anyone that's offended, but they click on it anyway, they've
• 51:20
  Speaker 2: only got themselves to blame.
• 51:22
  Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, and fuck you?
• 51:24
  Speaker 2: Yeah good?
• 51:26
  Speaker 1: All right? What are they both next? No? And see
• 51:32
  Speaker 1: you both next time.