Latest / Reverse Jackass / Ep51: Nick gets a mouthful at the dentist; Evelyn will never, EVER like mussels.

Transcript

Ep51: Nick gets a mouthful at the dentist; Evelyn will never, EVER like mussels. · Reverse Jackass

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_02: It's reversing.
• 0:08
  SPEAKER_00: I have eaten a sufficient amount of mango.
• 0:10
  SPEAKER_00: I ate a whole sandwich.
• 0:11
  SPEAKER_00: You ate a whole sandwich.
• 0:12
  SPEAKER_00: Was it New Jersey Michaels?
• 0:13
  SPEAKER_01: It was not.
• 0:14
  SPEAKER_01: It was uh it was uh Southern California Ralph's.
• 0:18
  SPEAKER_01: I'm not interested in that.
• 0:18
  SPEAKER_01: If it's not New Jersey Michaels, if it's not Michael, I don't care if it's Ralph.
• 0:22
  SPEAKER_01: I gotta say, in this day of we're not an advertising podcast, but in this day of raising prices, that was about the best damn$3.99 sandwich I could have asked for.
• 0:32
  SPEAKER_00: $3.99.
• 0:34
  SPEAKER_00: That's about comparable with a$26 sub here in Canada.
• 0:37
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, exactly.
• 0:39
  SPEAKER_00: A cool$27.
• 0:40
  SPEAKER_00: Cool, a gentle$27.
• 0:42
  SPEAKER_00: First of all, I paid$20 for a bunch of grapes yesterday.
• 0:47
  SPEAKER_00: I just want you to know that.
• 0:50
  SPEAKER_00: I'll show you the receipt.
• 0:51
  SPEAKER_00: It was a$15, it was a$15 bunch and a$5 bunch because we really like grapes around here.
• 0:56
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, but do grapes have like a a pedigree or something?
• 0:59
  SPEAKER_01: Like what's the how is that$15 for a bunch of grapes?
• 1:02
  SPEAKER_01: What is that at US dollars?
• 1:04
  SPEAKER_01: I don't know.
• 1:05
  SPEAKER_01: How much how much are you paying for grapes these days?
• 1:08
  SPEAKER_01: Fucking two dollars a pound.
• 1:09
  SPEAKER_01: I go to sprouts, two dollars a pound.
• 1:11
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, these were$3.99 a pound.
• 1:13
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, so so you got four pounds of grapes.
• 1:16
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, yeah, sure.
• 1:17
  SPEAKER_01: Well, there's your answer.
• 1:18
  SPEAKER_01: The answer is a dysfunctional amount of grape consumption.
• 1:23
  SPEAKER_00: Get some protein for fuck's sake.
• 1:26
  SPEAKER_00: I got that too.
• 1:26
  SPEAKER_00: That's why the grocery bill was like$300, all right?
• 1:30
  SPEAKER_00: $300.
• 1:30
  SPEAKER_00: And then I filled up my gas tank, and I can't even tell you what gas prices are here right now because I Which is amazing because Canada has a ton of oil.
• 1:37
  SPEAKER_01: You'd think it wouldn't be that big of a deal.
• 1:39
  SPEAKER_00: Oh gosh, we're at like, what were we at yesterday?
• 1:41
  SPEAKER_00: $1.76 a liter.
• 1:42
  SPEAKER_00: Like that is, and I know you're per gallon, right?
• 1:45
  SPEAKER_01: So that means Canadian dollars per liter.
• 1:47
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, that's those are just made up numbers to me.
• 1:49
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, it's true.
• 1:50
  SPEAKER_00: I think Jay and I figured out okay, our gas prices are let's see, one dollar and seventy-six cents per liter to Why don't you do tablespoons?
• 2:02
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, a liter is such a tiny amount of why don't you why don't you uh gasoline gallons?
• 2:08
  SPEAKER_00: 70.
• 2:08
  SPEAKER_00: Why is this US liquid gallon?
• 2:11
  SPEAKER_00: Why is this called a liquid gallon?
• 2:13
  SPEAKER_00: So that's four, is that four sixty-five?
• 2:16
  SPEAKER_01: I don't even you're you are so far off the rails with what you're doing and so into your own thing.
• 2:21
  SPEAKER_01: I couldn't possibly follow what you're doing over there.
• 2:23
  SPEAKER_01: And you're asking me to to verify it?
• 2:26
  SPEAKER_00: How many roads must man we can't afford it?
• 2:32
  SPEAKER_00: We can't afford it.
• 2:34
  unknown: Sorry.
• 2:34
  SPEAKER_00: Stop singing.
• 2:35
  SPEAKER_00: 176 per liter equals how many.
• 2:41
  SPEAKER_01: This is great.
• 2:41
  SPEAKER_01: We're just we're creating great content here.
• 2:43
  SPEAKER_01: I can't know what I'm gonna cut, I gotta cut most of this out.
• 2:45
  SPEAKER_01: Or maybe I won't.
• 2:46
  SPEAKER_01: Maybe I won't.
• 2:47
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, just let just just give people a big fuck you for listening to our podcast.
• 2:51
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, this is 665 per gallon.
• 2:55
  SPEAKER_01: That's a lot.
• 2:56
  SPEAKER_01: Just uh just another benefit of living next door to us.
• 2:59
  SPEAKER_01: The United States of America.
• 3:00
  SPEAKER_01: You're welcome, everybody.
• 3:02
  SPEAKER_01: United States of America.
• 3:03
  SPEAKER_01: We voted for this and then we did this.
• 3:05
  SPEAKER_00: It's reversed.
• 3:11
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome back, everyone.
• 3:12
  SPEAKER_00: You know what?
• 3:13
  SPEAKER_00: That's our that's our Canada US segment for today.
• 3:17
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, just a little little finance talk.
• 3:19
  SPEAKER_00: Little finance talk.
• 3:21
  SPEAKER_00: Just in case you're having your breakfast and you're checking out the NASDAQ.
• 3:27
  SPEAKER_01: Like a loser.
• 3:28
  SPEAKER_00: Like a loser.
• 3:30
  SPEAKER_00: Um I'm Evelyn, the Canadian Blade.
• 3:34
  SPEAKER_00: I'm almost positive of it.
• 3:36
  SPEAKER_00: And today I'm here with Nick.
• 3:38
  SPEAKER_00: My friend Nick.
• 3:39
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, he's he's here and ready to go.
• 3:43
  SPEAKER_00: Um, so I will tell you right now that apparently my internet is lagging.
• 3:47
  SPEAKER_00: Nick has told me this five and a half times so far.
• 3:50
  SPEAKER_00: Uh, we're doing the best we can.
• 3:52
  SPEAKER_00: We're just doing the best we can.
• 3:53
  SPEAKER_00: I'm doing the best I can.
• 3:55
  SPEAKER_00: I guess I shouldn't speak for Nick, but I know I'm doing the best I can.
• 4:00
  SPEAKER_00: And it looks different every day.
• 4:02
  SPEAKER_00: Nick did mouth just mouth something that I don't feel comfortable saying.
• 4:06
  SPEAKER_00: So we'll just let that live in in the video of this that will get thrown into the garbage as soon as this episode is published.
• 4:13
  SPEAKER_00: But we're glad you're here because you are often what regulates us at after we're done recording this.
• 4:20
  SPEAKER_00: So we're just glad you're here.
• 4:22
  SPEAKER_00: This forces us to hold it together for a solid 25 minutes.
• 4:27
  SPEAKER_00: And so we're gonna try and do that today.
• 4:29
  SPEAKER_00: And today is a Nick Day.
• 4:31
  SPEAKER_00: It's a Nick Day prompt day.
• 4:34
  SPEAKER_00: It's official, it's national Nick Day to all who celebrate.
• 4:37
  SPEAKER_01: My thought is that our our audience is probably the only people who celebrates when it's Nick Day.
• 4:41
  SPEAKER_01: But we should have like a little sound, a little sound burst or something to celebrate.
• 4:47
  SPEAKER_01: Like a little, like, I don't know.
• 4:48
  SPEAKER_01: Do y'all do uh is like John Philip Sousa marches?
• 4:51
  SPEAKER_01: Is that just a United States thing, or do your parades have those two?
• 4:54
  SPEAKER_00: I'm gonna tell you right now that I don't think our parades have it have it, but Jason Flanagan has an astounding and somewhat alarming collection of John Philip Sousa CDs.
• 5:05
  SPEAKER_01: We should get, they're probably public domain at this point.
• 5:08
  SPEAKER_01: We should have like a little John Philip Sousa thing, like just a little one and a half second soundbite to really to play me in.
• 5:16
  SPEAKER_00: You know what?
• 5:16
  SPEAKER_00: I'll find something.
• 5:17
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you.
• 5:18
  SPEAKER_00: And I will I will do I will put that in this in this episode.
• 5:24
  SPEAKER_00: And once I do, I'll send it to you, and there'll be no room for discussion or debate.
• 5:28
  SPEAKER_00: Once I've chosen it, it's what stays.
• 5:33
  SPEAKER_01: And then when you when it's an Evelyn day, we can have like a little Anne Murray sting or something like that.
• 5:39
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, well, that's not public to me.
• 5:40
  SPEAKER_00: Like we can't afford like we're literally losing money on this podcast at this point.
• 5:45
  SPEAKER_01: So we, you know.
• 5:46
  SPEAKER_01: Like kind of a weird amount.
• 5:48
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, yeah.
• 5:48
  SPEAKER_00: Like like a dollar seventy-six a liter amount.
• 5:53
  SPEAKER_01: Do you know how they did the the rock band games?
• 5:55
  SPEAKER_01: Do you know how they did the songs for those things?
• 5:57
  SPEAKER_01: How like how they got around the licensing?
• 5:59
  SPEAKER_01: No.
• 5:59
  SPEAKER_01: They hired sound aliks and they like all of those songs in the rock band games are actually covers.
• 6:05
  SPEAKER_01: They just sound exactly like the songs because they had these people come in and do impersonations.
• 6:11
  SPEAKER_01: And so it they pay for the songwriting royalties, but they don't pay for the actual songs, which is uh more expensive by a lot.
• 6:18
  SPEAKER_02: How fun.
• 6:19
  SPEAKER_01: So maybe we could have maybe we could just make our own Anne Murray impersonation and then we could just pay the songwriting royalties, and no one would be no one would be the wiser.
• 6:27
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know if I want Anne Marie, if I'm gonna be honest.
• 6:30
  SPEAKER_01: Why?
• 6:30
  SPEAKER_01: She's not good enough for you?
• 6:32
  SPEAKER_00: No, I respect her too much.
• 6:33
  SPEAKER_01: I don't respect gutted.
• 6:35
  SPEAKER_00: I don't respect John Phillips Sousa at all.
• 6:37
  SPEAKER_01: So it's you know it's you don't respect her enough to have her on your podcast.
• 6:41
  SPEAKER_00: No, no, I respect her too much.
• 6:42
  SPEAKER_00: Like I respect her too much to have her on this podcast.
• 6:45
  SPEAKER_00: Too much to have her on this podcast.
• 6:46
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 6:46
  SPEAKER_00: Guaranteed we do that.
• 6:48
  SPEAKER_00: A restraining order is gonna show up the the day after that episode airs.
• 6:51
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, we're gonna find out, folks.
• 6:53
  SPEAKER_01: Stay tuned, we're gonna find out.
• 6:54
  SPEAKER_01: Okay.
• 6:54
  SPEAKER_01: But in the meantime, it's Nick Day.
• 6:56
  SPEAKER_01: Da-da-da-da-da.
• 6:57
  SPEAKER_01: It's Nick Day.
• 6:58
  SPEAKER_01: Yep.
• 6:58
  SPEAKER_01: And I want to tell a story about when I was buffeted with an accusation for something that I hadn't done at all.
• 7:09
  SPEAKER_01: Okay.
• 7:10
  SPEAKER_01: And exactly the kind of accusation that you don't want to have levied at you.
• 7:13
  SPEAKER_01: And I will clarify.
• 7:14
  SPEAKER_01: Okay.
• 7:14
  SPEAKER_01: And then you can tell me if I haven't clarified enough, and I can start over, and then you can deal with it, and you can listen to this whole fucking story again.
• 7:21
  SPEAKER_01: Which I think you will agree does not live up to the lip sync standard.
• 7:24
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, gosh.
• 7:26
  SPEAKER_00: The new bar.
• 7:27
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 7:27
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 7:28
  SPEAKER_01: So imagine this.
• 7:28
  SPEAKER_01: I'm 15 years old.
• 7:30
  SPEAKER_01: I am, or maybe just newly 16, but you know, not dated anybody and debatably undateable as a person, right?
• 7:40
  SPEAKER_01: You know, just a just a goofy teenage kid, right?
• 7:43
  SPEAKER_01: And my best friend started dating a girl at school, and they were the they were the gross make-out couple.
• 7:49
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, yeah.
• 7:49
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 7:50
  SPEAKER_01: The like the yeah, tongue down each other's throats in school all the time.
• 7:53
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 7:53
  SPEAKER_01: And she had a friend, and she was like, we should introduce this friend to Nick.
• 7:59
  SPEAKER_01: And I did not know the friend, but I knew of the friend.
• 8:01
  SPEAKER_01: She went to my high school, and I had no reason to be particularly interested in her.
• 8:06
  SPEAKER_01: But I'm open and I'm game.
• 8:09
  SPEAKER_01: And so there was like a thing.
• 8:10
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, we'll hook them up.
• 8:11
  SPEAKER_01: We'll hook them up.
• 8:12
  SPEAKER_01: And so the first thing we did back in the day was we got on those clunky landlines with the spiral cords that attach to the wall.
• 8:19
  SPEAKER_01: And we started talking.
• 8:20
  SPEAKER_01: And I said, we should watch a movie together.
• 8:22
  SPEAKER_01: Like we should hang out at my friend's house, and the four of us can watch a movie together.
• 8:26
  SPEAKER_01: And I and I cannot tell you enough how innocent that was.
• 8:30
  SPEAKER_01: There was no part of me other than I have about four dollars on any given day of the week.
• 8:34
  SPEAKER_01: I'm broke, I have trouble getting from place to place, and I don't know this person.
• 8:38
  SPEAKER_01: So why don't we why don't we keep it low-key and let's hang out?
• 8:43
  SPEAKER_01: And this was met with the suspicion that I was trying to lure this person into some kind of a dungeon where I would assault her.
• 8:51
  SPEAKER_01: Like it was really not a popular suggestion.
• 8:55
  SPEAKER_01: And I was not interested enough in meeting this person that I never followed through with it again, and I just didn't care.
• 9:00
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 9:01
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 9:02
  SPEAKER_01: And so we I don't know if we ever even talked after that.
• 9:05
  SPEAKER_01: And I don't remember anything about it.
• 9:06
  SPEAKER_01: In fact, I forgot the whole thing until about a year later when I was at the dentist, and there was a hygienist that was cleaning my teeth.
• 9:14
  SPEAKER_01: And I like going to the dentist.
• 9:15
  SPEAKER_01: I have a good time, it feels good to have my teeth cleaned.
• 9:17
  SPEAKER_01: And this person's hands were in my mouth, and she said, I know who you are.
• 9:21
  SPEAKER_01: Oh.
• 9:22
  SPEAKER_01: And I said, Okay.
• 9:24
  SPEAKER_01: And she chuckles.
• 9:26
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, I know who you are.
• 9:28
  SPEAKER_01: Oh my gosh.
• 9:29
  SPEAKER_01: Okay.
• 9:30
  SPEAKER_01: And I said, Okay.
• 9:32
  SPEAKER_00: No, actually what you said was, uh-huh.
• 9:36
  SPEAKER_01: All right.
• 9:36
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 9:36
  SPEAKER_01: Like, I don't I don't know what she wants to elicit from me.
• 9:39
  SPEAKER_01: And I'm not the type of person to take the bait on this kind of thing.
• 9:42
  SPEAKER_01: And she chuckles again and she goes, I'm Eve Smith's mom.
• 9:46
  SPEAKER_01: That's Eve Smith, is not her real name.
• 9:48
  SPEAKER_01: I'm Eve Smith's mom.
• 9:49
  SPEAKER_01: And I said, Okay.
• 9:51
  SPEAKER_01: And I've almost like forgotten this thing.
• 9:53
  SPEAKER_01: She goes, Yeah, I know who you are.
• 9:55
  SPEAKER_01: Eve told me that you invited her over to watch movies at your friend's house.
• 9:59
  SPEAKER_01: And she said, but I knew exactly what he wanted.
• 10:02
  SPEAKER_01: And I now again, this pro this woman has sharp implements and her hands in my mouth.
• 10:07
  SPEAKER_01: Like, I can't think of a less appropriate way that I've ever been handled.
• 10:10
  SPEAKER_01: And I've had some, I've had some I've had some unpleasant moments with medical professionals.
• 10:16
  SPEAKER_01: I had the the pediatrician who used the word downstairs instead of any kind of medical term to describe my genitals.
• 10:25
  SPEAKER_01: I had the doctor whose opening line was, Wow, I can't believe how much you weigh.
• 10:30
  SPEAKER_01: I've had some unprofessional experiences with medical professionals, but far and away, the worst one ever was the I know who you are.
• 10:39
  SPEAKER_01: I'm Eve Smith's mom.
• 10:41
  SPEAKER_01: She told me what you tried to do, and I she knew exactly what you wanted, which again could not have been further.
• 10:47
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 10:48
  SPEAKER_01: I actually was disinterested in Eve and trying to make room to meet her to see if we might hit it off.
• 10:54
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 10:55
  SPEAKER_00: And honestly, I mean, I'm not gonna lie.
• 10:57
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, 15.
• 10:58
  SPEAKER_00: I watched movies at a lot of people's places when I was 15, 16.
• 11:02
  SPEAKER_00: Like that's a thing.
• 11:04
  SPEAKER_00: Like when I had a boyfriend in high school.
• 11:07
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 11:08
  SPEAKER_00: Like we would watch movies.
• 11:09
  SPEAKER_00: What you do.
• 11:10
  SPEAKER_00: Yes.
• 11:11
  SPEAKER_00: Like to me, that's not nefarious.
• 11:12
  SPEAKER_00: If you said, let's watch a movie in the dark and you get to guess if I'm wearing pants or not, right?
• 11:19
  SPEAKER_00: That's that's a warning sign.
• 11:21
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 11:21
  SPEAKER_00: That's a warning sign, right?
• 11:23
  SPEAKER_01: Hey, let's go, let's go watch a porno at the drive-thru.
• 11:26
  SPEAKER_01: That's a that's not a great thing.
• 11:28
  SPEAKER_01: Right?
• 11:28
  SPEAKER_01: The drive-thru or the drive-in, the drive-in movie theater porno.
• 11:32
  SPEAKER_01: Drive by well, no, they have drive they used to have drive-in porno movies.
• 11:35
  SPEAKER_01: Did you know that's a that used to be a thing?
• 11:37
  SPEAKER_01: Um or um, you know, hey, meet me at the mall.
• 11:42
  SPEAKER_01: Don't tell anybody you're there, don't bring any money or identification.
• 11:46
  SPEAKER_01: Like, that's another warning.
• 11:47
  SPEAKER_01: Like, there's plenty of plenty of plenty of like sinister things I could have done.
• 11:52
  SPEAKER_01: But I can't even, especially since nothing happened.
• 11:55
  SPEAKER_01: No, I can't believe the balls on this woman to confront me with her hands in my mouth and with sharp tools.
• 12:02
  SPEAKER_01: Let me tell you, if that were today, I would have her fired.
• 12:05
  SPEAKER_01: As an adult, I recognize how astonishingly unprofessional that was.
• 12:09
  SPEAKER_01: As a child, I was, and I was a child, I was stunned.
• 12:12
  SPEAKER_00: Because you were like probably 16, 17 years old at this time.
• 12:15
  SPEAKER_01: Yes, and a rule follower and polite and deferential.
• 12:18
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 12:19
  SPEAKER_00: And let me get this, let's just clarify here.
• 12:20
  SPEAKER_00: So you did not actually meet up with Eve to watch a movie.
• 12:24
  SPEAKER_00: Never.
• 12:24
  SPEAKER_00: Like you never e okay.
• 12:26
  SPEAKER_00: Have you ever even seen this person in person?
• 12:29
  SPEAKER_01: Yes, in high school.
• 12:30
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, I I passed through the hall and stuff.
• 12:32
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, okay.
• 12:33
  SPEAKER_00: So yes, because you said she did go to your high school.
• 12:35
  SPEAKER_00: Had you talked with her before you were talking on the phone with her?
• 12:40
  SPEAKER_01: No.
• 12:40
  SPEAKER_00: So the the only conversation you had was on the phone that one time.
• 12:45
  SPEAKER_01: And you said we literally never spoke to one another face to face ever.
• 12:48
  SPEAKER_00: And you said we should watch the four of us should watch a movie.
• 12:52
  SPEAKER_00: The four of us should watch a movie.
• 12:54
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, I didn't say come over to my place, my parents won't be there, and I'll have all my dildos.
• 13:00
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 13:00
  SPEAKER_00: That's and I mean that's that's coming in pretty hot, actually.
• 13:03
  SPEAKER_01: That's it's absolutely right, you know.
• 13:06
  SPEAKER_00: That's uh okay.
• 13:07
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 13:08
  SPEAKER_01: Have you ever done a whole tray of shots?
• 13:10
  SPEAKER_01: I know some grown-ups who'd love to meet us both.
• 13:12
  SPEAKER_01: I didn't say.
• 13:13
  SPEAKER_01: Um there's a lot of things where I think I would have been deserving of that criticism.
• 13:19
  SPEAKER_01: My parents are gone, and I know where all the crank in the house is stored.
• 13:22
  SPEAKER_01: A hundred percent, yeah.
• 13:24
  SPEAKER_01: Like, do you know how many drugs you can take up your nose?
• 13:27
  SPEAKER_01: I'm horny.
• 13:28
  SPEAKER_01: Like that's that's that's putting a stinger on the end.
• 13:34
  SPEAKER_01: That's yeah.
• 13:35
  SPEAKER_01: That's not the that's not another phone call.
• 13:42
  SPEAKER_00: That's the old they call that the old Bagner one too.
• 13:46
  SPEAKER_00: That's yeah.
• 13:51
  SPEAKER_00: Like okay, to be honest, if someone has said if you if someone had said that to me in high school, I think I would have laughed so hard.
• 13:58
  SPEAKER_00: I think I would have peed.
• 13:59
  SPEAKER_00: Like that would have been that's so funny.
• 14:02
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know why it's being strikes me as so funny.
• 14:05
  SPEAKER_00: Oh okay, but that never happened.
• 14:06
  SPEAKER_01: It was hello.
• 14:08
  SPEAKER_01: Chit chat, chit chat, chit chat.
• 14:10
  SPEAKER_01: Well, yeah, maybe we should maybe we should maybe the four of us should get together and watch a movie.
• 14:14
  SPEAKER_00: So then the okay, so then the story.
• 14:16
  SPEAKER_00: Well, now give us some context on Eve Smitherson or whatever her name is.
• 14:20
  SPEAKER_00: Like, like tell like was she weird, sheltered?
• 14:24
  SPEAKER_00: Obviously, not homeschool, obviously not homeschooled.
• 14:27
  SPEAKER_01: I I believe she was pretty religious.
• 14:30
  SPEAKER_01: Oh and beyond that, I don't I could be wrong about that.
• 14:33
  SPEAKER_01: That's I mean it's been 30 years now, but like I don't remember, I didn't know her.
• 14:37
  SPEAKER_01: I didn't I didn't remember I didn't know anything about her.
• 14:41
  SPEAKER_01: Do you know what I mean?
• 14:42
  SPEAKER_01: Like, I don't have data here.
• 14:44
  SPEAKER_01: She has a terrible mom, her mom's really unprofessional.
• 14:47
  SPEAKER_01: Like, I this is all the and I didn't have that data when we were talking over the phone.
• 14:52
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, it was really and truly like my friends think we should date.
• 14:56
  SPEAKER_01: It sounds like you're interested.
• 14:57
  SPEAKER_01: Let's hang out.
• 14:58
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 14:59
  SPEAKER_01: So it's it was really an inappropriate leap of faith.
• 15:02
  SPEAKER_01: And if she had said, hey, I'm really not comfortable with that, like we should do something else.
• 15:06
  SPEAKER_01: I would have been totally amenable to that.
• 15:08
  SPEAKER_01: Like I would, I even at that age and in that year, I would have understood, you know, want somebody wanted to feel safe or somebody not feeling comfortable.
• 15:15
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 15:16
  SPEAKER_01: That would have been a-okay.
• 15:17
  SPEAKER_01: What it was to me was like, I'm I'm not totally like into this, but I'm open to it, and let's hang out.
• 15:23
  SPEAKER_01: But yeah, so she knew what I wanted.
• 15:25
  SPEAKER_01: She did not, by the way, know what I wanted.
• 15:28
  SPEAKER_01: No.
• 15:28
  SPEAKER_01: You just wanted to gave it to me, which was that she never bothered me again.
• 15:31
  SPEAKER_01: But uh, yeah.
• 15:35
  SPEAKER_01: So my question for you, Evelyn.
• 15:36
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, geez, okay.
• 15:37
  SPEAKER_01: Is what's the grossest thing you've ever had in your mouth?
• 15:39
  SPEAKER_01: Is my thought.
• 15:40
  SPEAKER_01: For me, it's Eve Smith's mom's hands.
• 15:44
  SPEAKER_01: Coated in regret spit.
• 15:46
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
• 15:47
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, that's so good.
• 15:48
  SPEAKER_00: What's the grossest thing I've ever had in my mouth?
• 15:50
  SPEAKER_00: I can tell you right now.
• 15:51
  SPEAKER_00: Muscles.
• 15:52
  SPEAKER_00: That's as low as you can go.
• 15:54
  SPEAKER_00: Yes.
• 15:54
  SPEAKER_00: Muscles are delicious.
• 15:55
  SPEAKER_00: No, no, it's it's a chunk of snot in your mouth, Nick.
• 15:59
  SPEAKER_00: It is a chunk-I've had both.
• 16:01
  SPEAKER_00: It's not the same.
• 16:02
  SPEAKER_00: It is.
• 16:03
  SPEAKER_00: One tastes like the C though, and the other does not.
• 16:06
  SPEAKER_00: An old friend of mine became a chef.
• 16:08
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know, we were in our 20s.
• 16:10
  SPEAKER_00: There was a special dinner that was going on.
• 16:12
  SPEAKER_00: You got to choose between two menus at the restaurant at which this friend was working.
• 16:17
  SPEAKER_00: And I, for some reason, I chose one based on an ingredient or something I must have seen.
• 16:24
  SPEAKER_00: But what I had neglected to see in the rest of the menu was that every course had muscles in it.
• 16:32
  SPEAKER_00: Every course.
• 16:33
  SPEAKER_00: And I and I didn't clue into that.
• 16:34
  SPEAKER_00: And at this point, I wasn't like, ooh, these are super gross.
• 16:37
  SPEAKER_00: Like, you know, you know where I am.
• 16:39
  SPEAKER_00: I'm pretty landlocked here.
• 16:40
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 16:41
  SPEAKER_00: So it's not like I'm getting like the best fruit de la mer on my plates over here, right?
• 16:48
  SPEAKER_00: It's not happening.
• 16:48
  SPEAKER_00: And I've had them in PEI and I've had them at really upscale restaurants, and I cannot.
• 16:53
  SPEAKER_00: So I wanted to support this friend.
• 16:55
  SPEAKER_00: I brought a friend of mine from teachers college, and I said, let's go and and do like do the special dinner that this this friend is doing.
• 17:03
  SPEAKER_00: This is a big deal for him.
• 17:05
  SPEAKER_00: Um, this is very exciting, you know.
• 17:07
  SPEAKER_00: We want to support.
• 17:08
  SPEAKER_00: And so we go to this restaurant, it was a real fancy like restaurant, like linen everything.
• 17:14
  SPEAKER_00: Linen, everything.
• 17:15
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, golly gee, I wore my nice.
• 17:18
  SPEAKER_01: The guy pours water out of a linen pitcher.
• 17:20
  SPEAKER_01: You're given linen flatware.
• 17:22
  SPEAKER_01: It's impressive.
• 17:23
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, yeah.
• 17:23
  SPEAKER_00: Really impressive.
• 17:24
  SPEAKER_00: So, first course comes, and it's muscles with something on them.
• 17:29
  SPEAKER_00: Like they're open, they're there for the slurpin.
• 17:31
  SPEAKER_00: And my experience with muscles is that the first one is always fine.
• 17:37
  SPEAKER_00: The second muscle never gets all the way down because it gets about here and pointing halfway down my throat, and then my brain goes, I know what this is.
• 17:47
  SPEAKER_00: This is a big, fishy smelling loogie that's halfway down your throat.
• 17:52
  SPEAKER_00: And it gets halfway, and I can never swallow it.
• 17:55
  SPEAKER_00: Ever.
• 17:56
  SPEAKER_00: I have tried.
• 17:57
  SPEAKER_00: So we're at this restaurant, and I was like, okay, first one, okay, this is fine.
• 18:01
  SPEAKER_00: I'm a grown-up.
• 18:02
  SPEAKER_00: Look at me, I'm a cool 25-year-old.
• 18:04
  SPEAKER_00: This is like great.
• 18:06
  SPEAKER_00: First one, no problem.
• 18:07
  SPEAKER_00: Garlicky, mmm, just goes right back.
• 18:11
  SPEAKER_00: The second one, mistake number one, sits in my mouth too long.
• 18:15
  SPEAKER_00: Mistake number two, halfway down.
• 18:17
  SPEAKER_00: My brain goes, wait a minute.
• 18:19
  SPEAKER_00: But it gets halfway down and I couldn't swallow it.
• 18:21
  SPEAKER_00: It was there, it was hanging out there.
• 18:23
  SPEAKER_00: Because in my head, I'm like, it goes down, I throw up, it goes up.
• 18:26
  SPEAKER_00: I'm actually like spitting out this food, and I panicked.
• 18:29
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't know what to do.
• 18:30
  SPEAKER_00: So I took this beautiful white starchy linen napkin and just let it barfed.
• 18:38
  SPEAKER_00: Well, this it was it was the second muscle.
• 18:42
  SPEAKER_00: The first one stayed down.
• 18:43
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, was in that linen napkin somewhere with all the accoutrement that it came with, right?
• 18:48
  SPEAKER_00: Whether it was the parsley and the garlic and the breadcrumbs, whatever.
• 18:51
  SPEAKER_00: So it hung out in there.
• 18:53
  SPEAKER_00: And I thought, no, I can do better.
• 18:55
  SPEAKER_00: Evelyn, you can do better.
• 18:56
  SPEAKER_00: So I tried another one.
• 18:57
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, Evelyn.
• 18:58
  SPEAKER_00: It didn't even get down as far as halfway this time, and it was immediately joining that second muscle in the napkin.
• 19:06
  SPEAKER_00: I went through about three napkins that night in the attempt.
• 19:10
  SPEAKER_00: You kept doing it.
• 19:11
  SPEAKER_00: Well, not with the like every single course.
• 19:13
  SPEAKER_01: Every course that came out with more muscles.
• 19:15
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, you can do this.
• 19:17
  SPEAKER_00: You can do this.
• 19:18
  SPEAKER_00: Like I was like, like screaming at myself inside to do this.
• 19:23
  SPEAKER_00: And then I'm like, why did I pick this meal?
• 19:25
  SPEAKER_00: Because then my friend would come out every now and then and be like, how's it going?
• 19:28
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm like, great! Like, this is so, this is so wonderful.
• 19:33
  SPEAKER_00: And I have tried muscles since since that fateful day.
• 19:36
  SPEAKER_00: I have tried muscles, and I cannot there is never, there is never more than the first muscle.
• 19:45
  SPEAKER_00: It never, it doesn't even get that far sometimes.
• 19:48
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes it's just half of a muscle.
• 19:51
  SPEAKER_00: So the worst thing I've ever had in my mouth is any kind of seafruits that comes in a shell.
• 20:00
  SPEAKER_01: Okay.
• 20:01
  SPEAKER_01: It sounds like inanimate seafruits, because I don't hear you saying this about crab or shrimp.
• 20:05
  SPEAKER_01: It sounds like it's inanimate.
• 20:07
  SPEAKER_00: Inanimate, like flat-esque, mucus-esque, snotly seafood is kind of the grossest thing I've ever had in my mouth.
• 20:16
  SPEAKER_00: But I have a story about someone else who had something really gross in their mouth.
• 20:19
  SPEAKER_00: Would you like to hear it?
• 20:20
  SPEAKER_00: Give it, share it.
• 20:21
  SPEAKER_00: Hell yeah.
• 20:22
  SPEAKER_00: So my dad was working, my mom would pack his lunches, and it was always in those like coolers.
• 20:26
  SPEAKER_00: You know, he had his Tupperware with his sandwiches and all.
• 20:29
  SPEAKER_00: He always had like a big drink cooler.
• 20:30
  SPEAKER_00: My mom made homemade iced tea in there.
• 20:32
  SPEAKER_00: And it was one of those like big, I don't know, four liters or something crazy like that.
• 20:36
  SPEAKER_00: Like it was always to last him through the day because my dad was, you know, in the trades.
• 20:40
  SPEAKER_00: So one summer it was hot out.
• 20:42
  SPEAKER_00: My dad was drinking, took a big swig out of this thermos, and he's like, What's in what's in my mouth?
• 20:48
  SPEAKER_00: This is so this is weird.
• 20:50
  SPEAKER_00: And so he spits it out.
• 20:53
  SPEAKER_00: It was what's that?
• 20:54
  SPEAKER_01: I said she tried to kill him.
• 20:56
  SPEAKER_00: She tried to kill him.
• 20:58
  SPEAKER_01: This is dark.
• 20:59
  SPEAKER_00: And it was a massive earwig.
• 21:02
  SPEAKER_00: Oh no.
• 21:03
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, there was a massive ear.
• 21:07
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, a massive earwig.
• 21:09
  SPEAKER_02: Oh.
• 21:10
  SPEAKER_01: The muscles.
• 21:11
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 21:12
  SPEAKER_01: The muscles of the bookshelf.
• 21:14
  SPEAKER_02: Oh.
• 21:15
  SPEAKER_00: That might be, that might be the prettiest analogy you've ever made.
• 21:19
  SPEAKER_00: The muscles of the bookshelf.
• 21:22
  unknown: Oh.
• 21:24
  SPEAKER_00: The muscles of the bookshelf.
• 21:25
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 21:26
  SPEAKER_00: So Harv had a big juicy earwig in his mouth with those little pincers at the end.
• 21:33
  SPEAKER_00: Oh.
• 21:34
  SPEAKER_00: Mouthful of iced tea and a and a nice little chunk of protein in there, too.
• 21:39
  SPEAKER_00: Did he swallow it or did he spat it out?
• 21:41
  SPEAKER_00: No, he spat it out because then that's how he knew what it was.
• 21:43
  SPEAKER_00: So how panicked was he?
• 21:44
  SPEAKER_00: Oh no, he wouldn't, he wouldn't have panicked.
• 21:46
  SPEAKER_00: That's the thing.
• 21:47
  SPEAKER_00: He would have been like, oh, well, that's gross.
• 21:49
  SPEAKER_00: But he wouldn't have freaked out.
• 21:50
  SPEAKER_00: Like I would have screamed bloody more.
• 21:52
  SPEAKER_01: I'd still be screaming.
• 21:53
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 21:54
  SPEAKER_00: This would be our major thing.
• 21:56
  SPEAKER_01: You'd be like, You're not a great therapist.
• 21:57
  SPEAKER_01: I'm like, I know, I can't stop.
• 22:00
  SPEAKER_00: I would be like, welcome back to the Reverse Jagass podcast.
• 22:02
  SPEAKER_00: I'm here.
• 22:02
  SPEAKER_00: Avalyn, the Canadian Blade, here with Nick.
• 22:09
  SPEAKER_00: Perpetual panic, Bogner.
• 22:11
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 22:11
  SPEAKER_00: I I think I would have rather the muscles than the earwig, if I'm being honest.
• 22:15
  SPEAKER_01: Well, muscles are delicious.
• 22:18
  SPEAKER_01: No, Nick.
• 22:18
  SPEAKER_01: But let me just say, here's something that's sticking with me with this story.
• 22:21
  SPEAKER_01: Unless there was an enormous canvas banner hanging over the doorway of that restaurant that said muscles fest, having every fucking course have muscles in it is either the laziest or the most disturbed thing I've ever heard in my life.
• 22:34
  SPEAKER_01: Like, that's not chefs don't go eight courses, man, all muscles.
• 22:38
  SPEAKER_01: Unless it's like, welcome to Red Lobster Muscle Fest.
• 22:40
  SPEAKER_01: All the muscles you can eat.
• 22:42
  SPEAKER_01: We got millions of them.
• 22:43
  SPEAKER_01: You know what I mean?
• 22:44
  SPEAKER_01: Like, unless it's like marketed as a muscle enthusiast, the fact that they just kept hitting you with that means they were trying to hurt you.
• 22:50
  SPEAKER_00: Well, one of the other courses had a crap ton of foie gras in it.
• 22:53
  SPEAKER_00: Like I remember those are my options.
• 22:56
  SPEAKER_00: In retrospect, I should have gone with the foie gras.
• 22:58
  SPEAKER_00: Sure, foie gras is delicious.
• 22:59
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 23:00
  SPEAKER_00: So look, this was a this is a really nice, it was a really nice place.
• 23:04
  SPEAKER_00: Clearly, I'm the uncultured swine here in this story.
• 23:08
  SPEAKER_01: Well, you like what you like, or you don't, I just I just firmly disagree with your take on whether those things are tasty or not.
• 23:14
  SPEAKER_01: But you know, if you don't like it, you don't like it.
• 23:16
  SPEAKER_01: That doesn't make you uncultured.
• 23:17
  SPEAKER_01: Fitting it out into the tablecloth and then trying four more times might might point to a certain uh diminished level of cultural practice.
• 23:29
  SPEAKER_00: Here's the thing though, you can call it that, or you can call me an unrelenting friend, an unrelenting friend supporter, right?
• 23:40
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 23:40
  SPEAKER_00: You can call me, you can say you spit out your food in that linen tape.
• 23:44
  SPEAKER_00: Like there was some poor launderer that would be like, why are there so many regurgitated muscles?
• 23:52
  SPEAKER_00: This is so gross.
• 23:56
  SPEAKER_00: But I saw myself as showing up for someone in their moment of doing something really cool, and I wanted to support them.
• 24:04
  SPEAKER_01: And indeed you did, Evelyn.
• 24:06
  SPEAKER_01: And I think that's the heroism that we needed this time.
• 24:08
  SPEAKER_00: Have I ever told this friend?
• 24:09
  SPEAKER_00: No.
• 24:10
  SPEAKER_01: No, and hopefully they never hear this.
• 24:12
  SPEAKER_00: They will they will hear this.
• 24:13
  SPEAKER_00: I know they will.
• 24:14
  SPEAKER_00: And and to them, I say, I am so proud of you.
• 24:18
  SPEAKER_00: Oh no, I am so proud of you, and you were doing a really great thing, and I just didn't want to embarrass you by puking, literally puking, all over the restaurant.
• 24:31
  SPEAKER_00: So it was me, not you.
• 24:33
  SPEAKER_01: And they're gonna write an email that goes, thank you, question mark.
• 24:36
  unknown: Yeah.
• 24:37
  SPEAKER_00: They're gonna say, Evelyn, there were only muscles in two of the five courses.
• 24:42
  SPEAKER_00: Right, they're gonna go with the other ones for clams and oysters, yeah.
• 24:45
  SPEAKER_00: Um, scallops, yeah.
• 24:46
  SPEAKER_00: They're gonna those baby octopus in Japan that's still kind of writhing around on your plate a little bit, and you have to it gets stuck to the side.
• 24:53
  SPEAKER_00: Actually, another thing that I've had in my mouth that actually wasn't gross at all was octopus.
• 24:58
  SPEAKER_00: I love octopus.
• 24:59
  SPEAKER_00: Octopus is delicious.
• 25:00
  SPEAKER_00: Well, it's stuck to the side of my still alive as fucking.
• 25:02
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, that was that was weird.
• 25:04
  SPEAKER_00: This octopus stuck a little bit, like the suckers stuck to the side of my cheeks when I ate it.
• 25:08
  SPEAKER_00: That was weird.
• 25:09
  SPEAKER_00: Like I didn't need to be no, because just the way I ate, the suction like happened.
• 25:13
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, it was my first time ever eating something and kind of feeling like I was being eaten back.
• 25:18
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't like that.
• 25:19
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, you poor thing, you've seen some shit.
• 25:22
  SPEAKER_00: It's it's all the sea is a mysterious, mysterious place for me.
• 25:26
  SPEAKER_01: And we always bring the scariest pieces of it to the surface, don't we?
• 25:30
  SPEAKER_00: We do, but I wouldn't eat anything that's deep down, deep down below.
• 25:34
  SPEAKER_00: Like, let's let those anglerfish lie like their little underbite and flashlight.
• 25:40
  SPEAKER_00: No, just leave it down.
• 25:42
  SPEAKER_00: I don't need to eat it.
• 25:42
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I grew up on a farm.
• 25:44
  SPEAKER_00: Just give me a steak, and as long as it doesn't move back at me, I'm fine.
• 25:48
  SPEAKER_00: Well, with that chunk of wisdom, we'll call it an episode.
• 25:52
  SPEAKER_01: We're so glad you joined us for the reverse jackass podcast.
• 25:55
  SPEAKER_01: We love you.
• 25:55
  SPEAKER_01: We're glad we're here.
• 25:56
  SPEAKER_01: Please tell all of your friends how much you love it or tell them how much you hate it.
• 25:59
  SPEAKER_01: That's equally valuable to us.
• 26:00
  SPEAKER_01: Um, be good to yourself.
• 26:02
  SPEAKER_01: I'm Nick with me as always is Evelyn, the Canadian Blade.
• 26:04
  SPEAKER_01: Evelyn, say goodbye to the people.
• 26:05
  SPEAKER_00: See you later, everyone.
• 26:07
  SPEAKER_00: And I wanted you to do something really good for a friend of yours.
• 26:10
  SPEAKER_00: Something that almost might make you puke and then remember it 25 years old.
• 26:14
  SPEAKER_01: Are you talking about taking out their taking out their crappy girlfriend's crappy friend?
• 26:17
  SPEAKER_01: Is that the thing you're talking about?
• 26:19
  SPEAKER_00: Take someone out to a nice muscle dinner and then to a movie.
• 26:24
  SPEAKER_00: How about this eight-course muscle dinner?
• 26:27
  SPEAKER_01: And then her mom would be like, What were you trying to do?
• 26:31
  SPEAKER_01: What was your what was your angle there?
• 26:33
  SPEAKER_01: Be like, you know what my angle is.
• 26:34
  SPEAKER_01: It's gonna fill her full of inanimate shellfish.
• 26:37
  SPEAKER_01: No, you would have said, yeah, I was trying to have sloppy tea food make out.
• 26:51
  SPEAKER_01: Alright, that's it for us, people.
• 26:53
  SPEAKER_01: Be good this week.
• 26:54
  SPEAKER_00: Some neighbors are besties, others quarrel bitterly.
• 26:58
  SPEAKER_01: Stuck together through geography.
• 27:02
  SPEAKER_01: One of us has nukes, and the other has tokes.
• 27:06
  SPEAKER_00: It's American Canadian diplomacy.
• 27:11
  SPEAKER_02: It's revolution.