Latest / Unlearning Beautiful / Ep. 42 Do You Feel Like You Have to Get Everything Right?
Transcript
- Kristina Bruce: If you struggle with your body, there's a good chance perfectionism is part of the story. Not necessarily the kind of perfectionism that means having an immaculate house or never making a mistake. I'm talking about the deeper belief that you need to get things right in order to feel good enough, safe, accepted, or worthy. I know this one personally. I was called a perfectionist growing up, and one of the things I struggled with most was criticism. Even the word feedback could make me brace myself. Because underneath it was this belief that I'd done something wrong and it meant something was wrong with me. And I've come to see that this same pattern can show up in our relationship with our bodies. We try to make our bodies right because somewhere underneath we're trying to make ourselves right. Today I want to unpack that connection and what starts to change when you realize you don't have to perfect your body or yourself in order to be worthy. Let's dive in. Welcome to Unlearning Beautiful, a podcast for women tired of trying to look good enough and ready to feel good from within. I'm your host, Christina Bruce, here to help you let go of the pressure to look right or do it all right, and reconnect with your inner guidance, your natural worth, and what truly makes you feel fulfilled. Because the freedom you're craving was never in how you look. From as young as I can remember, I've always wanted to get things right. I actually have this drawing that my parents put in my baby book, and it was a drawing I did of our dog. And on the back it said Christina, two and a half years old. And I can remember doing that drawing. I was just sitting at our kitchen table and my dog was in the kitchen and I was just not even thinking about it, was just drawing a picture of my dog. And my dad looked at and he's like, wow, Gracina, that's so good. And I remember this initial feeling of a rush of feeling good about myself. So then I went ahead and started drawing the picture again. And I couldn't quite get it the same as the previous version. And I was so frustrated with myself. I was disappointed. And I actually felt like I wasn't good enough. Now, I was only two and a half years old when that was going on. I think some of us can be very sensitive. And if you're someone who identifies with that, we can be very sensitive to criticism or just picking up the energy of those around us. And that can, depending on our temperament, the beliefs that our parents, our caregivers have, we can end up starting to feel like I need to be really good at what I'm doing. I need to be perfect in order to avoid receiving criticism or disappointing somebody or causing a star. So I know for me, as I got older, the word feedback actually would make me tense up. I would be afraid if somebody was going to give me feedback on something. I was so afraid of doing something wrong. Because underneath that, without me really realizing it. I was making it mean that I was wrong, that there was something fundamentally not good enough with me as a person if I made a mistake or I didn't do something perfectly. And so then on the flip side, it made me feel like I was a good enough person or I was better if I could do things really well. So it makes sense if that feeling is running underneath this idea that I'm not feeling like I'm safe. Unless I'm good enough, that you're gonna try really hard to be good enough and to not make a mistake and to not be wrong. Which is why I think it can land hard for people to be called a perfectionist. Because underneath the drive of trying to be perfect is because you're just trying to find this sense of acceptance and approval. And that can feel very tender and raw and vulnerable. Because having perfectionism tendencies is actually something that we develop in a response to something, a survival strategy to help us feel like we're safe and we're enough. And where we can see perfectionism really show up is in our bodies. I mean, if you're trying to protect yourself from criticism or judgment, the body is an obvious place to do it. I mean, it's visible. It's something you can attempt to control. It's something that our culture is constantly telling us to improve. So we can start to develop these beliefs that say, maybe if I can make my body look good enough, I'll be less vulnerable to criticism. Maybe if I can get my body right, I'll finally feel like I'm good enough. The body can end up being this armor that we use to protect ourselves. Because when we let go of that armor, We're touching something much deeper and we're raw within ourselves. What I've noticed with the women that I work with is that when they begin healing their relationship with their bodies, they almost always see this perfectionism type pattern or this need to people please or the fear of judgment show up in other areas of their life. It's not uncommon that. When you do the work to feel better in your body and you let go of dieting, you now shift that focus to being a really good mom or being really good at your job, being a really great friend. And that's why by the end of the time when I'm working with clients, they'll often have this insight and realization. What I'm noticing and learning here is affecting every area of my life. And I'm like, yeah, it is. Because the body was never really the issue. It's what is underneath it that was upholding the behaviors and the way that you were feeling about yourself. And honestly, I can see this pattern in myself, you know, even making this podcast episode. There's that pattern, that voice that comes in, this sense of fear that says, okay, well, like I need to make this really good. I want to explain it well. I want to make sure that. I'm covering everything and that people really get something out of it. And there's nothing wrong with wanting to do a good job. If we genuinely care about something, we're gonna want to do the best that we can. But what we do is we relieve that layer of needing it to be so good because it means something about ourselves. We can do the best that we can, feel good about that, and then leave it at that and know that it doesn't have to be the best or Everybody needs to love it in order to feel good about the job that you did or to feel good about yourself. The question becomes: how do we loosen this feeling of perfectionism? And I think that there's a couple of shifts that are really important. The first one is decoupling our inherent sense of worth and value from how we look and our performance. Often I'll bring through clients this exercise where I help them tap into what I call the true essence of yourself. So that would be how you were when you were a little child when you came into this world. Because when we look at little children, they're vibrant, they're joyful, they're not criticizing themselves in the mirror. And so to tap back into that joy is a really powerful experience because we can realize. That the worth and value and the sense of okayness that we're hoping looking a certain way or achieving a certain thing will give us is actually right where we are right now. And so when we can start to decouple these beliefs that got formed later on in life, like how I look means something about me, or if I do something wrong or make a mistake, then I'm bad, we can start to be able then to make mistakes or being quote unquote imperfect, whatever that. Actually means because particularly when it comes to body image and aesthetic ideals, so much of it is made up and subjective. But we come to find that our worth and value is inherent to who we are. And that frees us up to be able to explore, to create, to try new things, to let go of dieting and worrying so much about our body to visibly age because we know that our worth and value. Isn't tied to that. The second shift that we need to make to free ourselves from this perfectionism is looking at how we view other people's opinions and criticisms and judgments about us. We start to shift the thinking that if they think something's wrong with me, therefore there is something wrong with me. But what we need to do is Take back our authority and the power that we've given to that person in that moment. That's really what we're doing when somebody's criticism or judgment hurts us, is we've essentially given our power to them. We have said, you are the judge of me and you have the power to hurt me. They really don't. Only if we take it on and make it mean something about us will it actually hurt us. So separating that out and realizing when someone makes a judgment or a comment about us, it just means that they're sharing an opinion. It's something that they believe. It doesn't necessarily mean that it's true. It just means that they're sharing their perspective and their belief. It's only when we take it on ourselves is it going to have the impact and effect on us. Sometimes they can be giving us very useful or valuable feedback. But we have to separate out that it means something about us. We can listen to it and see if there's genuinely something useful in there for me. And then we use it that way, but we don't take it on to mean that I was wrong or I was bad or I'm not good enough. It's just a piece of information. And the third shift that we need to make to release perfectionism is to stop feeling like we need to prove our worth. My husband and I often joke to each other when Where we watch these cooking competitions. And a lot of times the chefs will be asked, why are you doing this? And they'll say, I'm finally gonna prove to my parents that I made the right choice and that what I'm doing is good enough. And we're not making fun of them for saying this, but we're just noticing how so much of us into adulthood can end up carrying this desire. So it's letting go of needing to prove my worth. I don't need to prove how I look or how successful I am or how productive I am. This ideal is constantly changing. Can you ever get to a place where you can prove that you've finally arrived? It's like playing a game of whack-a-mole. As soon as you've proved it in this other area, there's always gonna be another area that pops up and says, Well, are you good enough here? So letting go of the need to prove is a huge shift in being able to Make peace with our bodies and just allow ourselves to be more in life instead of feeling like we constantly are needing to measure up. So I'd like you to consider if you didn't have to prove yourself, if you didn't have to please someone or get their approval in order to feel safe and good enough as you are, how would that feel? Doesn't that take some of the pressure off of needing your body to look a certain way? Doesn't that not feel lighter and more freer? This is one of the reasons why I'm so passionate about doing this work on our bodies because it's really just a portal into releasing all of these heavy ideas and beliefs that aren't true about ourselves, that we've accumulated over our life that are really keeping us running around and trying to prove an effort and do all these things that we don't have to do. And it opens up more space for us to just be, to be happy now, not when or if. This is the deeper work that I help women unravel in my one-to-one coaching. We absolutely work on the relationship with your body, but we're really looking at what's underneath it, the beliefs that tell you you need to be a certain way. Or get things right in order to be okay. When we work at that level, it just frees up so much more in your life. You can learn more about working privately with me at the link below. You don't have to become a more perfect version of yourself to finally feel worthy. You get to come home to the person that you already are, which is good enough, worthy, and valuable. Thanks for listening to Unlearning Beautiful. If this episode resonated with you, Follow the show and share it with another woman who's ready to see beauty and herself in a new way. And if you feel moved, leave a rating and review. It will help this show reach more women who need to hear it. Remember, you're already everything you've been trying to become. Enough, worthy, and free. I'm Christina Bruce. Until next time.