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🟡 1601: Conversation, as it was by the Social Fireside, in the Time of the Tudors (Full Audiobook) | Mark Twain · Occult & Supernatural Audiobooks: Forbidden Rituals, Esoteric Texts & Paranormal Tales

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  Speaker 1: Mark Twain's sixteen o one. This is a LibriVox recording.
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  Speaker 1: All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more
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  Speaker 1: information and to volunteer, visit LibriVox dot o r g.
• 0:17
  Speaker 1: Mark Twain's sixteen o.
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  Speaker 2: One Dramatis personi.
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  Speaker 3: Introduction by Denny Sayers.
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  Speaker 4: Narrator read by Jonathan Hornyblow The Queen read.
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  Speaker 2: By Meet the Lady Alice Dilbury, Ben Jonson and Lord
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  Speaker 2: Bacon read by Ruth Golding.
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  Speaker 5: Lady Marjorie read by Kristen.
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  Speaker 6: Hughes Shakespeare and Inventa Lady Helen read by Philippa.
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  Speaker 7: Beaumont read by David Lawrence.
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  Speaker 3: The part of Sir Walter Raleigh is read by Mark
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  Speaker 3: Smith of Simpsonville, South Carolina.
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  Speaker 2: End of Dramati.
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  Speaker 1: Mark Twain's sixteen oh one. This is a LibriVox recording.
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  Speaker 1: All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more
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  Speaker 1: information and to volunteer, visit LibriVox dot org. Mark Twain's
• 1:24
  Speaker 1: sixteen oh one Conversation as it was by the Social
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  Speaker 1: Fireside in the time of the Tutors memorandum. The following
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  Speaker 1: is supposed to be an extract from the Diary of
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  Speaker 1: the peeps of that day, the same being Queen Elizabeth Cupbearer.
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  Speaker 1: He is supposed to be of ancient and noble lineage,
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  Speaker 1: that he despises these literary CANi, that his soul consumes
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  Speaker 1: with wrath to see the Queen stooping to talk with such,
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  Speaker 1: and that the old man feels that his nobility is
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  Speaker 1: defiled by contact with Shakespeare, et cetera. And yet he
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  Speaker 1: has got to stay there till her Majesty chooses to
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  Speaker 1: dismiss him.
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  Speaker 4: Yesternight took a majesty the Queen a fantasy such as
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  Speaker 4: she sometimes has, and had to her closet, certain that
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  Speaker 4: do write plays, books, and the such like these being
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  Speaker 4: my Lord Bacon, his worship Sir Walter Raleigh, Mister Ben Johnson,
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  Speaker 4: and the child Francis Beaumont, which, being but sixteen, has
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  Speaker 4: yet turned his hand to the doing of the Latin
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  Speaker 4: masters into our English tongue with great discretion and much applause.
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  Speaker 4: Also came with these the famous Shakespeare Her Rights Strange,
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  Speaker 4: mixed truly of mighty blood with men, yet more in
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  Speaker 4: a special since the Queen's grace was present. As likewise,
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  Speaker 4: these following to wit, the Duchess of Bilgewater, twenty two
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  Speaker 4: years of age, the Countess of Granby twenty six, her daughter,
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  Speaker 4: the Lady Helen fifteen, as also these two maids of
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  Speaker 4: honor to wit, the Lady Marguerie Boothy sixty five, and
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  Speaker 4: the Lady Alice Dilbury turned seventy, she being two years
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  Speaker 4: of Queen's Grace's elder, I, being her Majesty's cupbearer, had
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  Speaker 4: no choice but to remain and behold rank forgot, and
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  Speaker 4: the high hold conversed with the low as upon equal terms.
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  Speaker 4: A great scandal did the world hear thereof? In the
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  Speaker 4: heat of the talk, it befell that one did break wind,
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  Speaker 4: yielding an exceeding mighty and distressful stink, whereat all did
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  Speaker 4: laugh fullesore, and then very lee in mine it.
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  Speaker 8: And sixty years have I not heard the fellow to
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  Speaker 8: this fart. It seemeth, by the great sound and clamor
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  Speaker 8: of it, it was mail. Yet the belly it did
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  Speaker 8: lurk behind, should now fall lean and flat against the
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  Speaker 8: spine of him that hath been delivered off so stately
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  Speaker 8: and so waste a bulk. Whereas the gouts of them
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  Speaker 8: that do quiff splitters bear stand calmly still and round prithee,
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  Speaker 8: Let the author confess the offspring. Will my lady Alice, testify.
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  Speaker 9: Good your grace?
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  Speaker 2: And I had room for such a thundergust within mine
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  Speaker 2: ancient bowels. Tis not in reason I could discharge the
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  Speaker 2: same and live to thank God for that He did
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  Speaker 2: choose handmaid so humble whereby to show his power. Nay,
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  Speaker 2: tis not I that have brought forth this rich o'er
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  Speaker 2: mastering fog, this fragrant gloom. So pray you seek the further.
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  Speaker 8: Mayhap the lady Marjorie had done the company this favor.
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  Speaker 5: So please you, madam. My limbs are feeble with the
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  Speaker 5: weight and drath of five and sixty winters, and it
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  Speaker 5: behooveth that I be tender unto them in the good
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  Speaker 5: providence of God. And I had contained this wonder forsooth
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  Speaker 5: would I have given the whole evening of my sinking
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  Speaker 5: life to the dribbling of it forth with trembling and
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  Speaker 5: un easy soul not launched its sudden in its matchless might,
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  Speaker 5: taking mine own life with violence, rending my weak frame
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  Speaker 5: like rotten rags.
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  Speaker 8: It was not I, your majesty, oh God's name, who
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  Speaker 8: hath favored us. Hath it come to pass that a
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  Speaker 8: fart shall fart itself? Not such a one as this
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  Speaker 8: I trow, young Master Beaumont, But no twould have wafted
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  Speaker 8: him to heaven like down of Goose's body. Twas not
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  Speaker 8: the little lady Helen, Nay, never blush, my child, thou'dst
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  Speaker 8: tickle thy tender maiden head with many a mousey squeak
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  Speaker 8: before thou learn'st to blow a hurricane like this? Wasn't you,
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  Speaker 8: my learned and ingenious Johnson.
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  Speaker 10: So fellop last hath never an ear saluted, nor yet
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  Speaker 10: a stead so all burvading and immortal. Twas not a novice,
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  Speaker 10: did it good, your majesty, but one of the veteran experience.
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  Speaker 10: Else had he failed of confidence in sooth?
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  Speaker 8: It was not I, my Lord Bacon, Not from my.
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  Speaker 9: Line entrails had this prodigy burst forth so please your grace,
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  Speaker 9: Nor does so with fit the great as great performance,
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  Speaker 9: and the happily shall you find that tis not from
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  Speaker 9: mediocrity this miracle hath issued.
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  Speaker 4: Ooh ye, subject be but a fart? Yet will this
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  Speaker 4: tedious sink of learning ponderously philosophies? Meantime, did the foul
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  Speaker 4: and deadly stink pervade all places to that degree that
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  Speaker 4: never smell either like, Yet dare I not to leave
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  Speaker 4: the presence? Albeit I was like to suffocate, what.
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  Speaker 8: Says the worshipful Master Shakespeare.
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  Speaker 11: In the great hand of God, I stand and so
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  Speaker 11: proclaim my innocence, Though ye Sinleer's hosts of Heaven had
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  Speaker 11: foretold the coming of this most desolating breath, proclaiming it
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  Speaker 11: a work of uninspired man, It's quaking thunders, its firmament,
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  Speaker 11: clogging rottenness, his own achievement in due course of nature.
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  Speaker 11: Yet had not I believed it, but had said the
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  Speaker 11: pit itself hath furnished forth the stink, and Heaven's artillery
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  Speaker 11: hath shook the globe in admiration of it.
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  Speaker 4: There was a silence, and each did turn him toward
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  Speaker 4: the worshipful Sir Walter Raleigh, that browned, embattled, bloody swashbuckler,
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  Speaker 4: who rising up, did smile and simpering.
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  Speaker 3: Say, most gracious majesty twas either, But indeed it was
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  Speaker 3: so poor and frail a note compared with such as
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  Speaker 3: I am wont to furnish that in sooth. I was
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  Speaker 3: ashamed to call the weakling mind in so augusta presence.
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  Speaker 3: It was nothing less than nothing, Madam. I did it
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  Speaker 3: but to clear my nether throat. But had I come prepared,
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  Speaker 3: then had I delivered something worthy? Bear with me, please
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  Speaker 3: your grace till I can make amends.
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  Speaker 4: Then he delivered he himself of such a godless and
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  Speaker 4: rock shivering blast that all were find to stop their ears,
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  Speaker 4: and following it to come so dense and foul a stink,
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  Speaker 4: that that which went before did seem a poor and
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  Speaker 4: trifling thing beside it. Then say, if he, finding that,
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  Speaker 4: he blushed and was confused.
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  Speaker 3: I perceive that I am weak today and cannot us
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  Speaker 3: do unto my powers.
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  Speaker 4: And sat him down, as you should say. There it
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  Speaker 4: is not much yet either Havant asked to spare. Let
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  Speaker 4: him follow that, and he think he can. By God,
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  Speaker 4: and I were the Queen, I would even tip this
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  Speaker 4: swaggering braggard out of the court and let him heir
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  Speaker 4: his grandeurs and break his intolerable wind before the death.
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  Speaker 4: And such as suffocation pleases. Then fell They to talk
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  Speaker 4: about manners and customs of many people, and Master Shakespeare
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  Speaker 4: spake of the Book of the Sir Michael de Montaigne,
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  Speaker 4: wherein was mentioned of the custom of widows of Perigaud
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  Speaker 4: to wear upon the head dress in sign of widowhood,
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  Speaker 4: a due in the similitude of a man's member wilted
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  Speaker 4: and limber. Whereat the Queen did laugh and say, widows
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  Speaker 4: in England do wear bricks too, but betwixt the thighs,
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  Speaker 4: and not wilted, neither till coishen hath done that office
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  Speaker 4: for them. Master Shakespeare did likewise observe now that the
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  Speaker 4: sur des Montaigne have also spoke of a certain emperor
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  Speaker 4: of such mighty prowess that he did take ten maiden
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  Speaker 4: heads in the compass of a single night. Yet while
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  Speaker 4: his empress did entertain two and twenty lusty nights between
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  Speaker 4: her sheets, yet was not satisfied whereat the merry Countess
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  Speaker 4: Gramby said, a ram is, Yet the Empress Superior saith
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  Speaker 4: he will tap above one hundred ewes TwixT son and son,
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  Speaker 4: and after, if he can have none more to shag,
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  Speaker 4: will masturbate until we have enriched whole acres with his seed.
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  Speaker 4: Then spakey damned windmill, Sir Walter, of a people in
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  Speaker 4: the uttermost parts of America, that capulate not until they
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  Speaker 4: be five and thirty years of age, the women being
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  Speaker 4: eight and twenty, and do it then but once in
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  Speaker 4: seven years.
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  Speaker 8: How doth that, like my little lady Helen, shall we
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  Speaker 8: send thee thither and preserve thy belly?
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  Speaker 6: Please? Your Highness is grace Mine old nurse have told
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  Speaker 6: me there are more ways of serving God than by
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  Speaker 6: locking the thighs together. Yes, am I willing to serve
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  Speaker 6: him that way too, since your Highness's grace has set
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  Speaker 6: the example.
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  Speaker 8: God wounds a good answer, child, mayhap twill weaken when
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  Speaker 8: the hair sprouts below the navel.
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  Speaker 6: Nay, it's sprouted two years, since I can scarce more
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  Speaker 6: than cover it with my hand.
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  Speaker 8: Now hear ye that, my little Beaumonte, have ye not
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  Speaker 8: a little bird about you that stirs at hearing tale
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  Speaker 8: of so sweet a.
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  Speaker 7: Nest tis not insensible holosarous, Madam. But nursing owls and
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  Speaker 7: baths of Lord degree may not inspire to bless so
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  Speaker 7: whelming an ecstatic as is found in the down nests
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  Speaker 7: of birds of paradise.
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  Speaker 8: By the gullet of God. Tis a neat turned compliment
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  Speaker 8: with such a tongue as thine lad Thou spread the
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  Speaker 8: ivory thighs of many a willing maid in thy good time,
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  Speaker 8: and thy could peace be as handy as thy speech.
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  Speaker 4: Then spiked the Queen of how she met Old Rabelais
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  Speaker 4: when she was turned off fifteen, and he did tell
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  Speaker 4: her of a man his father knew that had a
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  Speaker 4: double pair of bollocks. Whereon a controversy followed as concerning
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  Speaker 4: the most just way to spell the word, the contention
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  Speaker 4: running high betwixt the learned Bacon and the ingenious Johnson,
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  Speaker 4: until at least the old lady Margery wearin of it,
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  Speaker 4: Oh saith.
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  Speaker 5: Gentles, what mattereth it? How ye shall spell the word?
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  Speaker 5: I warrant you when you use your bollocks, ye shall
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  Speaker 5: not think of it. And my lady Granby be content,
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  Speaker 5: let the spelling be. Ye shall enjoy the beating of
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  Speaker 5: them on your buttocks, just the same I trow before
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  Speaker 5: I had gained my fourteenth year, I had learnt that
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  Speaker 5: them that would explore a kunt stopped not to consider
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  Speaker 5: the spelling of it.
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  Speaker 3: In sooth when his shifts turned up. Delay is meet
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  Speaker 3: for naught, but dalliance Bocaccio hath the story of a
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  Speaker 3: priest that did beguile a maid into his cell, then
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  Speaker 3: knelt him in a corner to pray for grace. To
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  Speaker 3: be rightly thankful for this tender maidenhead, the lord had said,
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  Speaker 3: But the abbot spying through the keyhole, did see a
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  Speaker 3: tuft of brownish hair, with fair white flesh about it. Wherefore,
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  Speaker 3: when the priest's prayer was done, his chance was gone,
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  Speaker 3: forasmuch as the little maid had but the one cunt,
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  Speaker 3: and that was already occupied to her content.
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  Speaker 4: Then converse day of religion and the mighty work the
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  Speaker 4: old dead Luther did do, by the grace of God.
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  Speaker 4: Then next about poetry, and Master Shakespeare did read a
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  Speaker 4: part of his king Henriad a fourth the which it
• 15:35
  Speaker 4: seemeth to me, is not of the value of an
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  Speaker 4: arseful of ashes. Yet they praised it bravely. One and
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  Speaker 4: all the same did read a portion of his Venus
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  Speaker 4: and Adonis, to their prodigious admiration. Whereas I, being sleepy
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  Speaker 4: and fatigued with or, did deem it but poultry stuff,
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  Speaker 4: and was the more discomforted in that the bloody Buchania
• 15:59
  Speaker 4: had got his window, and did turn his mind to
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  Speaker 4: farting with such villain zeal that presently I was like
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  Speaker 4: to choke once more. God damn this windy ruffian and
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  Speaker 4: all his breed. I would that hell might get him.
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  Speaker 4: He talked about the wonderful defense which old Sir Nicholas
• 16:17
  Speaker 4: Strogmoton did make for himself before the judges in the
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  Speaker 4: time of Mary, which was unlucky matter to approach. It
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  Speaker 4: fetched out a queen with.
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  Speaker 8: A pity, or that he, having so much wit, had
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  Speaker 8: yet not enough to save his daughter's maiden head sound
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  Speaker 8: for her marriage bed.
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  Speaker 4: And the queen to give the damned Sir Walter Raleigh
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  Speaker 4: her look that made him WinCE, for she hath not
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  Speaker 4: forgot he was her own lover. In the old day
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  Speaker 4: there was silence and uncomfortablest. Now twas not a good
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  Speaker 4: turn for talk to take. So if the Queen must
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  Speaker 4: find a fence in a little harmless debauching, when pricks
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  Speaker 4: were stiff, and cunts not loath to take the stiffness
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  Speaker 4: out of them, who of this company was sinless? Behold,
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  Speaker 4: was not the wife of Master Shakespeare four months gone
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  Speaker 4: with child when she stood up before the altar. Was
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  Speaker 4: not her grace of Billgwater rogered by four lords before
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  Speaker 4: she had a husband was not the little Lady Helen
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  Speaker 4: born on her mother's wedding day. And behold were not
• 17:25
  Speaker 4: the Lady Alice and Lady Margaerye there mouthing religion hauls
• 17:30
  Speaker 4: from the cradle. In time they came to discourse of
• 17:35
  Speaker 4: Sirvante's and of the new painter Rubens, that is beginning
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  Speaker 4: to be heard of fine words and dainty wrought phrases
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  Speaker 4: from the ladies, now one or two of them being
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  Speaker 4: in other days pupils of that poor ass Lil himself.
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  Speaker 4: And I marked how that Johnson and Shakespeare did fidget
• 17:52
  Speaker 4: to discharge the venom of sarcasm. Yet died they not
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  Speaker 4: in the presence the Queen's grace, being the very flower
• 18:00
  Speaker 4: of the eupheuists herself. But behold these be they, that,
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  Speaker 4: having a speciality and admiring in themselves, be jealous when
• 18:08
  Speaker 4: a neighbor does say it, nor can abide it in
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  Speaker 4: them long. Wherefore twas observable that the Queen wacks uncontent,
• 18:17
  Speaker 4: and in time labored grandiose speech out of the mouth
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  Speaker 4: of Lady Alice, who manifestly did mightily pride herself thereon
• 18:26
  Speaker 4: did quite exhaust the Queen's endurance, who listened till the
• 18:31
  Speaker 4: gaudy speech was done, then lifted up their brows, and
• 18:35
  Speaker 4: with vast irony, mincing saith, oh shit, we're at They
• 18:46
  Speaker 4: all did laugh, but not Lady Alice, the old foolish
• 18:50
  Speaker 4: bitch now was their water. Raleigh minded of a tale.
• 18:54
  Speaker 4: He once did hear the ingenious Margaret of Navarrees relate
• 18:58
  Speaker 4: about a maid, which, being like.
• 19:01
  Speaker 3: To suffer rape by an old archbishop, did smartly contrive
• 19:05
  Speaker 3: a device to save her maidenhead, and said to him, first,
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  Speaker 3: my lord, I prithee, take out thy holy tool and
• 19:12
  Speaker 3: piss before me, which, doing lo his member fell and
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  Speaker 3: would not rise again.
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  Speaker 1: End of sixteen o one, or a conversation as it
• 19:28
  Speaker 1: was by the social fireside in the time of the
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  Speaker 1: Tudors by Mark Twain