Latest / Reflect Reclaim & Liberate - with Sallyanne Hartnell / Divorcing Mr or Mrs Nice

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Divorcing Mr or Mrs Nice · Reflect Reclaim & Liberate - with Sallyanne Hartnell

• 0:01
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate, a podcast covering all things relationships, separation, and divorce.
• 0:09
  SPEAKER_00: How to create healthy, happy, fulfilling relationships without sacrificing any part of yourself, supporting anyone feeling challenged in their relationship or marriage.
• 0:19
  SPEAKER_00: These are confidential conversations for you if you're navigating separation, divorce, or reorganizing life afterwards.
• 0:27
  SPEAKER_00: Decide whether to stay or leave a relationship or marriage, divorce with less drama, and consciously choose what's next for you.
• 0:36
  SPEAKER_00: I acknowledge the traditional owners of the land on which this podcast is recorded, the Warren Tree people of the Poolin Nation, and pay my respects to their elders, past, present, and emerging.
• 0:45
  SPEAKER_00: I acknowledge them as the original storytellers of this land.
• 0:51
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to this week's episode of Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate.
• 0:55
  SPEAKER_00: All about divorcing Mr.
• 0:58
  SPEAKER_00: or Mrs.
• 0:59
  SPEAKER_00: Nice.
• 1:00
  SPEAKER_00: Now, yes, I'm going to talk about Mr.
• 1:02
  SPEAKER_00: and Mrs.
• 1:02
  SPEAKER_00: Dorce, but it also applies equally to leaving a relationship, leaving a long-term relationship, not just a marriage.
• 1:11
  SPEAKER_00: So if you are thinking about leaving a partner who is nice, it can be particularly challenging.
• 1:22
  SPEAKER_00: You know, it looks all lovely from the outside, but perhaps it's not so great for you.
• 1:30
  SPEAKER_00: You're not seen, heard, held, but there's also nothing particularly glaringly wrong about the relationship or about this other person you're in relationship with.
• 1:41
  SPEAKER_00: But as I often say, you know, sitting in indecision is really, really hard.
• 1:46
  SPEAKER_00: It's especially hard when there's nothing terribly bad or dramatically wrong with your marriage, your relationship, your partner, when you're thinking about leaving Mr.
• 1:56
  SPEAKER_00: or Mrs.
• 1:56
  SPEAKER_00: Nice person.
• 1:59
  SPEAKER_00: The indecision in that situation can be really difficult and tricky to navigate.
• 2:06
  SPEAKER_00: You know, you're divorcing this nice or you're thinking about leaving this nice person, someone who, on the one hand, is a really decent human being, they treat you relatively well, but on the other hand, you feel unfulfilled and like something is missing, and perhaps you felt like that for a really long time, even from the very beginning.
• 2:26
  SPEAKER_00: There's that niggly feeling that this isn't quite what you'd hoped it would be, that you've settled into something that's comfortable and okay, but you know, pretty boring white bread.
• 2:38
  SPEAKER_00: You're more like housemates or friends rather than intimate partners or even lovers.
• 2:44
  SPEAKER_00: And I really want to qualify here that this is different from feeling from being in what is an emotionally safe and regulated relationship and feeling that that is boring or not quite right because you've previously been wired to you know expect the peaks and troughs, the highs and lows of a volatile, more um emotionally dysregulated relationship.
• 3:09
  SPEAKER_00: You know, you you're hardwired to expect that, and when you find something that is emotionally safe and it is regulated, it feels boring.
• 3:19
  SPEAKER_00: So that's not what I'm talking about.
• 3:21
  SPEAKER_00: This is more about feeling like you've settled, you've chosen Mr.
• 3:24
  SPEAKER_00: or Mrs.
• 3:25
  SPEAKER_00: Nice, who has perhaps never really rocked your world, but it's also someone or a relationship that's hard to leave.
• 3:35
  SPEAKER_00: I also have a theory, and I'm sure I've shared this on the podcast before, that women, especially those of us who want children, or those for whom marriage, partnership is, you know, the the thing, the expectation, you know, the trophy, you you win a prize.
• 3:51
  SPEAKER_00: I think if that's your conditioning, your thinking, um, I think women sometimes get to a point where we choose, say, a father for our children, a safe, dependable option, or we partner up because that's what society tells us we should do at or by a certain age.
• 4:09
  SPEAKER_00: You know, we choose a partner or a father rather than being a life partner who will meet us in relationship, who will expand us and grow with us.
• 4:18
  SPEAKER_00: Um, we choose someone safe, dependable, or someone even who is a friend and they just happen to be there.
• 4:26
  SPEAKER_00: And then sometime down the track we look back and go, hmm, is this really what I want for the rest of my life?
• 4:33
  SPEAKER_00: But um, back to the point.
• 4:35
  SPEAKER_00: I want to invite you.
• 4:37
  SPEAKER_00: In fact, I want you to give yourself permission here.
• 4:41
  SPEAKER_00: I want you to give yourself permission to want more because I think at the core that's what it is.
• 4:48
  SPEAKER_00: That the trouble, the difficulty, the challenge of leaving someone who is nice, okay, there's nothing wrong with them.
• 4:56
  SPEAKER_00: I think it is about giving ourselves permission to want more than just okay.
• 5:03
  SPEAKER_00: I also want you to know that it is okay to want more from your relationship than what you're currently experiencing or getting.
• 5:11
  SPEAKER_00: Now, whether that means for you leaving, separating, divorcing, or whether it means turning inward, turning back into the relationship and reconnecting on a deeper level, only you can make that decision.
• 5:23
  SPEAKER_00: But it's perfectly normal to feel like something is missing when you're not being fulfilled emotionally or physically or mentally because there is something missing missing.
• 5:34
  SPEAKER_00: There is something missing, you're not being fulfilled emotionally, physically, mentally in all the ways, and so you should feel like there's something missing.
• 5:44
  SPEAKER_00: Now, in my work as a coach, I've worked with so many clients who have felt trapped in marriages or relationships where they feel there's more, there's more for them.
• 5:55
  SPEAKER_00: And as I said, whether that's in deepening the connection in the current relationship or stepping out of the relationship, that's a decision that needs to be made.
• 6:03
  SPEAKER_00: You know, I've worked with clients who've struggled with the decision to stay or leave someone who externally and on paper is super nice and ticks all the boxes, and they feel deeply guilty, even ashamed for wanting more.
• 6:20
  SPEAKER_00: But I really want you to tap into and I really want you to know that you don't have to feel guilty for wanting to leave a relationship that no longer fulfills you, maybe never did, even if the person you're leaving is a really nice person.
• 6:37
  SPEAKER_00: Because to live your life fully, you need to honour you, you need to honour your own desires, your own needs, even if they go against what others may expect or want for you, and even if standing in your truth and claiming your wants, needs, needs, desires, dreams for the future hurts somebody who is nice, that is, I guess, the price that needs to be paid.
• 7:06
  SPEAKER_00: A rich, evolved, fully lived life really requires that we are deeply honest with ourselves first, that we tell the truth about ourselves and we live out that truth, and we tell the people we care about the truth about ourselves, even if it's hurtful for them to hear, even if our truth telling causes them pain.
• 7:32
  SPEAKER_00: That then becomes another conversation about okay, do we turn inward and reconnect and deepen this connection and make it something different, or are we done here?
• 7:42
  SPEAKER_00: Am I done here?
• 7:44
  SPEAKER_00: Making the decision to leave a marriage or long-term relationship is never easy.
• 7:50
  SPEAKER_00: And it can be especially challenging when your partner is a nice person.
• 7:55
  SPEAKER_00: But just because they are nice, just because they are good, decent human beings, doesn't mean that you have to stay somewhere that is perhaps holding you back from claiming all that you want in your life, in a relationship, in love, in an experience of living that doesn't light all of you up, that doesn't fulfill you.
• 8:18
  SPEAKER_00: Because we all deserve, you deserve to be happy, fulfilled, deeply seen, heard, held, expanded, met, challenged, and you really do deserve to have a relationship that lights you up on all levels, rather than a relationship that is simply not bad.
• 8:36
  SPEAKER_00: And yes, there'll be fear, yes, there are all the unknowns, yes, there will be change.
• 8:44
  SPEAKER_00: It's also important to remember that leaving a marriage doesn't mean that you're a failure, that your relationship failed, that you're a quitter, that you're breaking your promise, or that you're giving up easily on your partner or your relationship.
• 8:59
  SPEAKER_00: It's important here to really go deep and let go of what you think, what you believe divorce means.
• 9:07
  SPEAKER_00: And there's a whole podcast episode about exactly that, what we think divorce means and what it actually means.
• 9:13
  SPEAKER_00: And yes, divorce will mean a whole lot of things, and it's you know, there are family influences, there are cultural cultural influences, there are broader society impacts and conditioning that that we bring to our understanding and our belief in what divorce is, but at its most basic, in this circumstance, divorce, ending a long-term relationship, leaving a marriage simply means that you are making a choice to prioritize your own happiness and well-being, your fulfillment, your dreams, your desires, your wants, your needs, your future, and your possibilities.
• 9:55
  SPEAKER_00: You're choosing to prioritize you, your future, and the possibilities that exist for your future.
• 10:03
  SPEAKER_00: And I really think that's something that we should be proud of and claim for ourselves.
• 10:08
  SPEAKER_00: You know, choosing you, choosing to separate, choosing to leave, sure it's hard, but it's also a really powerful thing to do.
• 10:18
  SPEAKER_00: It's a recognition and a claiming that you will have your own back always.
• 10:26
  SPEAKER_00: That you are the center of your life, you are the main character in your story, and and an honoring that you absolutely do deserve to be that.
• 10:36
  SPEAKER_00: You deserve to be the leader of your own journey and the main character of your own store story.
• 10:43
  SPEAKER_00: And yes, even though it'll be hard and there'll be heartbreak and sadness and grief, you know that you will choose you and create a life that is deeply meaningful to you and aligned with your deepest desires, your dreams, your values.
• 10:59
  SPEAKER_00: If the themes in this episode are resonating with you, if it's bringing up things that you would like to explore on a deeper level with me, you can book a free intro call via the link in the show notes and we can discuss coaching options.
• 11:15
  SPEAKER_00: I would love to support you.
• 11:17
  SPEAKER_00: And now back to this week's episode.
• 11:21
  SPEAKER_00: And so if you're sitting in the indecision, turning circles in the same spot, if you're wondering whether to stay or leave, Mr.
• 11:29
  SPEAKER_00: Nice Guy or Miss Miss Nice Gal, here's what I would say to you.
• 11:35
  SPEAKER_00: Choose you, choose future you, choose possibility, choose you and leave.
• 11:43
  SPEAKER_00: Give yourself permission and tell yourself you deserve this, that you are worthy of this, that it's okay to leave even if.
• 15:27
  SPEAKER_00: Choosing to leave a relationship, a marriage doesn't mean you failed or that you don't care.
• 15:32
  SPEAKER_00: You can still be a decent human as you unravel your relationship and your connection with this other person.
• 15:39
  SPEAKER_00: You can still show up in a way that's aligned with your personal values.
• 15:43
  SPEAKER_00: You can still show compassion and kindness even as you uncouple, navigate your separation and your divorce if your heart is telling you it's time to move on, it's time to leave.
• 15:56
  SPEAKER_00: And it's not about walking away at the first sign of difficulty or challenge, right?
• 16:01
  SPEAKER_00: It's about listening to that deep inner yearning, that deep knowing that you want something different, that yearning for something different, and that knowing that there is more possible for you.
• 16:14
  SPEAKER_00: And so if that desire outweighs everything else, that's reason enough to go.
• 16:19
  SPEAKER_00: Even if it's hard, even if it's heartbreaking, even if it hurts someone, you maybe still love and you definitely still care about.
• 16:27
  SPEAKER_00: You can have the hard conversations, you can unravel, you can separate, you can divorce with kindness and compassion.
• 16:35
  SPEAKER_00: I know I've done it and I've coached so many through it.
• 16:39
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, it's not always possible, but you can control what you can control, and you can do this with kindness and compassion.
• 16:48
  SPEAKER_00: If you're sitting in this state of indecision, I've got loads of resources.
• 16:54
  SPEAKER_00: There's a heap more podcast episodes that you could search through that will support you.
• 16:58
  SPEAKER_00: Free downloadables.
• 17:00
  SPEAKER_00: Unravel my online course is perfect for you if you're wondering whether to stay or leave Mr.
• 17:07
  SPEAKER_00: or Mrs.
• 17:08
  SPEAKER_00: Nice, um, even Mr.
• 17:09
  SPEAKER_00: or Mrs.
• 17:10
  SPEAKER_00: Not So Nice.
• 17:11
  SPEAKER_00: Um, it's a multi-module self-paced course that steps you through finding your own answer to that question.
• 17:17
  SPEAKER_00: Should I stay?
• 17:18
  SPEAKER_00: Should I go?
• 17:19
  SPEAKER_00: A clarity consult for you is for you if you know you're ready to leave and you want to do it consciously, kindly, and also strategically, smartly.
• 17:30
  SPEAKER_00: And if you need deeper support, one-to-one mentoring with me, coaching with me is your space.
• 17:36
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm taking applications for the last part of 2024 and into early 2025 now, and there are links in the show notes for all of those options.
• 17:45
  SPEAKER_00: You can also just send me a message.
• 17:47
  SPEAKER_00: There's a link in the show notes, send me a message, and I can offer you the support that is most aligned to what you're looking for.
• 17:56
  SPEAKER_00: In closing, remember, I really want you to remember leaving a nice person can be done with kindness.
• 18:04
  SPEAKER_00: Divorcing a nice husband or a nice wife can be done with compassion and without burning everything down.
• 18:11
  SPEAKER_00: It's important to start gently, yes, but it's also really important to start.
• 18:19
  SPEAKER_00: You don't need permission to leave just because your partner is nice.
• 18:24
  SPEAKER_00: Wanting to leave is enough.
• 18:27
  SPEAKER_00: In fact, just wanting to leave is more than enough.
• 18:33
  SPEAKER_00: As always, thank you for being here.
• 18:36
  SPEAKER_00: Links in the show notes to connect more deeply with me.
• 18:39
  SPEAKER_00: And if you know someone that would benefit from listening to this episode, please share it with them.
• 18:45
  SPEAKER_00: And if you're brave enough, I would love you to leave a review for the podcast.
• 18:49
  SPEAKER_00: It helps us get it in the ears of more people, just like you, who want to divorce with less drama.
• 18:57
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you for being here.
• 18:58
  SPEAKER_00: Bye for now.
• 19:00
  SPEAKER_00: I'm Sally Ann Hartnell, divorce coach and strategist, and you've been listening to Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate.
• 19:05
  SPEAKER_00: You can follow me on Instagram at Reflect Coaching, and if you can think of anyone who would love or benefit from listening to this episode, please share it with them.
• 19:14
  SPEAKER_00: I'd also be so grateful if you would follow and review the podcast so we can get it in the ears of a whole lot more people just like you who are ready to reclaim and liberate themselves in life and love.
• 19:25
  SPEAKER_00: I hope you'll join me next week for another episode of Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate.
• 19:30
  SPEAKER_00: Until then,