Latest / Do You F*cking Mind? / 417. You are more than enough. How to feel it (6 tips) E

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417. You are more than enough. How to feel it (6 tips) E · Do You F*cking Mind?

0:11
Speaker 1: Hello, my beautiful boons, and welcome to the episode of Today.
0:15
Speaker 1: So today's episode is all about knowing that you are
0:20
Speaker 1: more than enough. It's all about identifying when you're feeling
0:23
Speaker 1: that you're not enough, you're not good enough, you're not
0:26
Speaker 1: enough for someone, or you don't have enough of something
0:29
Speaker 1: to offer somebody.
0:30
Speaker 2: And I'm going to talk.
0:31
Speaker 1: About how you can find those feelings a feeling like.
0:35
Speaker 2: You are actually enough.
0:36
Speaker 1: Okay, I do have a listener question at the end
0:41
Speaker 1: of the podcast, so stay tuned for that as well.
0:44
Speaker 1: I don't have a brain. Fact today I did not
0:47
Speaker 1: organize myself properly. Anyway, let's get straight into it. So
0:52
Speaker 1: this episode applies to a whole bunch of situations where
0:57
Speaker 1: you might feel like you are not enough. For example,
1:01
Speaker 1: after a failure something, you've gone out on a limb,
1:04
Speaker 1: you've tried something and you've failed at it. After a breakup,
1:09
Speaker 1: someone's ended it with you, they've broken your heart, or
1:13
Speaker 1: you've been in a relationship and you've pushed and pushed
1:15
Speaker 1: and pushed to make it work and it just was
1:18
Speaker 1: not working.
1:18
Speaker 2: It was so unhealthy that you had to pull the
1:20
Speaker 2: pin in the end.
1:21
Speaker 1: After a rejection, you've put yourself out there in any
1:25
Speaker 1: kind of situation and been rejected after losing a friendship,
1:29
Speaker 1: someone's cut you out as a friend, They're not interested,
1:31
Speaker 1: they don't want to be your friend anymore. After yeah,
1:36
Speaker 1: or after something someone's done, something within the family, after
1:39
Speaker 1: you know, you feel unloved by a family member. It
1:41
Speaker 1: could be a parent, it could be someone else within
1:43
Speaker 1: the family, a parent that's like a really big one
1:47
Speaker 1: for a lot of people. And then like after being fired,
1:49
Speaker 1: after being let go by you know, a job that
1:52
Speaker 1: you probably really wanted to keep or you thought that
1:54
Speaker 1: you were doing really well at How I'm going to
1:58
Speaker 1: break this episode down is I'm going to go over
1:59
Speaker 1: sick things that you can do to make you feel
2:02
Speaker 1: that you are enough, Okay, And when you having these
2:05
Speaker 1: feelings of you know, feeling not good enough, feeling abandoned,
2:10
Speaker 1: feeling like you didn't meet the standards, I want you
2:14
Speaker 1: to focus on these things, Okay. When someone leaves you
2:19
Speaker 1: or tells you that they don't want you in their life,
2:21
Speaker 1: you feel like you are not enough, not enough to
2:25
Speaker 1: keep someone you know, not good enough to keep them entertained,
2:29
Speaker 1: not good enough to be loved.
2:31
Speaker 2: And when this happens, when you lose what made you
2:34
Speaker 2: feel like you were enough. It could be a partner,
2:36
Speaker 2: a job, a friendship, or.
2:39
Speaker 1: When you don't attain that thing that you thought would
2:43
Speaker 1: make you feel like you're enough, you end up feeling
2:45
Speaker 1: like you are missing something. You as a person are
2:49
Speaker 1: missing something missing something within you that you end up
2:52
Speaker 1: feeling that you don't have what others have. And often
2:56
Speaker 1: this comes after feeling the pain of a bad and
3:01
Speaker 1: for a lot of people, abandonment pain is one of
3:05
Speaker 1: the most unbearable pains that they will ever go through,
3:08
Speaker 1: and that links quite heavily to this primitive need to
3:14
Speaker 1: be accepted by those around us.
3:18
Speaker 2: So often when you have emotional.
3:20
Speaker 1: Abandonment, which is generally in a romantic relationship, this pain
3:25
Speaker 1: is very intense and it can take over your life
3:28
Speaker 1: for quite a significant amount of time, and it could
3:31
Speaker 1: just be so overbearing. And I just know that there
3:33
Speaker 1: are so many listeners right now nodding their heads, being like,
3:36
Speaker 1: I'm fucking going through that right now, or preach I've
3:39
Speaker 1: been through that and that was a fucking ride, and
3:42
Speaker 1: I'm just thrilled that I'm out the other side. But
3:45
Speaker 1: it really can be one of the most unempowering things
3:48
Speaker 1: to go through, and it can stick and it can
3:50
Speaker 1: stay with you, and it can start to kind of
3:53
Speaker 1: paint over how you feel towards yourself in all these
3:57
Speaker 1: other areas and feeling like you're not enough. Courage is
4:00
Speaker 1: more of the same. Feeling like attracts like thoughts attract
4:04
Speaker 1: similar thoughts. So when you feel like, wow, I wasn't
4:07
Speaker 1: enough for that person to want to be with me.
4:09
Speaker 1: We were in a relationship for a few years, and
4:11
Speaker 1: all of a sudden they just pull the pin. I
4:12
Speaker 1: didn't see it coming, Like, what is wrong with me?
4:14
Speaker 2: What have I done wrong?
4:16
Speaker 1: Why am I not enough? What is it they want?
4:18
Speaker 1: And so you start feeling like you just are missing
4:21
Speaker 1: a part of yourself. You feel abandoned. It's this horrible feeling.
4:24
Speaker 1: And then worst case scenario within the realm of what
4:28
Speaker 1: I'm talking about, you start to your relationship with yourself
4:32
Speaker 1: starts to crack. Okay, you go you can go from
4:36
Speaker 1: being someone confident to then having your confidence about yourself shattered.
4:41
Speaker 1: You end up someone who you could go from someone
4:43
Speaker 1: who was like really.
4:44
Speaker 2: You know, comfortable within their and skin and confident.
4:46
Speaker 1: To being so you know, heartbroken that you end up
4:49
Speaker 1: second guessing yourself all the time and thinking I used
4:52
Speaker 1: to feel like, you know, like an attractive person. And
4:54
Speaker 1: I'm not just talking about physical attraction. I'm talking about
4:56
Speaker 1: the energy that you bring. And then you think, oh,
5:00
Speaker 1: this person just like dropped me like a fucking you know,
5:04
Speaker 1: whatever the saying is, and it feels like they didn't
5:07
Speaker 1: even blink, and now I feel so in pain. Or
5:09
Speaker 1: my parents just said the most awful thing to me
5:12
Speaker 1: and couldn't care less about my feelings. Or I just
5:15
Speaker 1: got dropped from a job that I put my heart
5:18
Speaker 1: and soul into and they just they had no remorse
5:22
Speaker 1: and they just let me go. Those feelings then start
5:25
Speaker 1: to bleed into all the other areas of your life,
5:28
Speaker 1: and you start feeling.
5:29
Speaker 2: You start to question yourself.
5:30
Speaker 1: You start to doubt yourself, and you start to look
5:32
Speaker 1: at the people around you and you start to compare
5:34
Speaker 1: yourself and you start to think, I am not enough.
5:37
Speaker 1: These people managed to secure what I tried to secure.
5:40
Speaker 1: They seem to be doing well, what the fuck is
5:43
Speaker 1: wrong with me? That is how a lot of people
5:45
Speaker 1: end up feeling, and you might find yourself in that
5:47
Speaker 1: situation right now. So let's talk about six things you
5:52
Speaker 1: can do to start to change that feeling. And you
5:55
Speaker 1: can start to change that feeling today. Okay, you could
5:59
Speaker 1: have been dumped yesterday and start to do some of
6:02
Speaker 1: these things now.
6:03
Speaker 2: The beauty of it.
6:04
Speaker 1: Is is that as everything you can do it, you
6:07
Speaker 1: know a little bit, you can do it a lot.
6:09
Speaker 1: It takes practice, you get better and better at it.
6:11
Speaker 1: But every single thing that I'm talking about, you can
6:13
Speaker 1: start actioning today and you're going to start to feel better,
6:17
Speaker 1: even if just a tiny bit, even if just for
6:19
Speaker 1: a moment, you'll start feeling better today.
6:21
Speaker 2: Okay.
6:22
Speaker 1: Number one, Become disciplined in something and stick to it.
6:28
Speaker 1: When you prove something to yourself, it will always, always,
6:34
Speaker 1: always mean more than proving something to someone else. It
6:39
Speaker 1: will pay dividends. You choose one thing and you get
6:44
Speaker 1: like disciplined at it, and you get to prove something
6:47
Speaker 1: to yourself, and the moment you prove that thing to yourself,
6:52
Speaker 1: everything changes. You have this respect for yourself, you have
6:57
Speaker 1: this almost this ability to not.
7:01
Speaker 2: Need to prove anything to anyone.
7:03
Speaker 1: It almost flips everything on its head and you go
7:06
Speaker 1: from being like, oh my enough at my this and
7:08
Speaker 1: my that, to being like, wow, fuck, I'm pretty fucking
7:10
Speaker 1: I'm pretty invincible. I'm pretty good. So a personal story
7:13
Speaker 1: of mine. When I had like that big breakup that
7:16
Speaker 1: you know, caused my life to change, caused me to move.
7:18
Speaker 2: To Paris, I decided I.
7:20
Speaker 1: Would heavily get into running and my goal was to
7:25
Speaker 1: run half a marathon. Now, I grew up as an asthmatic.
7:28
Speaker 1: I couldn't even do the beep test in high school
7:30
Speaker 1: because I would like be like, you know, whipping out
7:33
Speaker 1: the ventil and having a meltdown, bubble child, all the above.
7:37
Speaker 1: So I had it in my head that I couldn't
7:40
Speaker 1: run or I couldn't do any cardigo. I could do
7:42
Speaker 1: swimming because the doctor recommended that, and that was it.
7:44
Speaker 1: And my breathing was pretty fucking shit growing up. Then
7:48
Speaker 1: I started running before this breakup happened, and I found
7:51
Speaker 1: that I really liked it. I could only run I
7:52
Speaker 1: don't know a couple of k's whatever, but I really
7:54
Speaker 1: enjoyed it. After the breakup happened, I thought, I need
7:58
Speaker 1: to have a goal. I need to have something that
8:02
Speaker 1: I can work towards that only involves me, and I
8:06
Speaker 1: decided that I was going to run half marathon.
8:09
Speaker 2: And this was a few months after the breakup. It
8:11
Speaker 2: wasn't straight away.
8:12
Speaker 1: So I thought, I'm going to prove to myself that
8:16
Speaker 1: I'm capable of doing this. I always thought that I
8:18
Speaker 1: wouldn't be able to run. I always thought that I
8:19
Speaker 1: couldn't do this.
8:20
Speaker 2: And because I.
8:21
Speaker 1: Had this goal and this passion that I was really
8:23
Speaker 1: wanting to get behind, it became something that I could
8:27
Speaker 1: pour myself into wholeheartedly. And while I was doing that,
8:31
Speaker 1: I was only thinking about that thing, and no one
8:35
Speaker 1: gave a fuck if I could run half a marathon
8:37
Speaker 1: or not. No one cares if you can run half
8:39
Speaker 1: a marathon, when people do it, you better be doing
8:41
Speaker 1: it for yourself because no one really gives a fuck.
8:43
Speaker 1: But I decided to do it for myself, and I
8:45
Speaker 1: ran this half marathon and the only goal I set
8:47
Speaker 1: to myself was I want to run it the whole time.
8:51
Speaker 1: I don't care how slow the run is, but I
8:52
Speaker 1: want to be running the whole time. I don't want
8:54
Speaker 1: to walk. That was the goal I had set for myself,
8:56
Speaker 1: and I can't It was like two and a bit hours.
8:58
Speaker 1: I can't remember the time I set but I did it,
9:01
Speaker 1: and I remember proving to myself that I was able
9:05
Speaker 1: to do this. I'd always had this idea in my
9:07
Speaker 1: head that my asthma wouldn't allow me to do it.
9:09
Speaker 2: I could never. I could never.
9:10
Speaker 1: And I remember crossing the finish line not needing my ventilin,
9:14
Speaker 1: and straight after crossing the finish line in Hyde Park,
9:18
Speaker 1: I call my mom and I'm sobbing, and I think
9:21
Speaker 1: I was just sobbing out of I don't know. It
9:24
Speaker 1: was like I was just so emotional that I had
9:27
Speaker 1: finally proved something to myself, and I to this day
9:32
Speaker 1: have carried that with me. I love it, and I
9:35
Speaker 1: refer back to that moment when I embark on other
9:38
Speaker 1: things in my life. When you prove something to yourself
9:40
Speaker 1: and no one else, you respect yourself. You earn a
9:45
Speaker 1: level of respect for yourself that you never thought you
9:49
Speaker 1: could have. You look back and you say, I did
9:51
Speaker 1: that thing. I'm capable. I am adaptable, I can grow,
9:57
Speaker 1: I can achieve things. You know, and if you fail
10:00
Speaker 1: at it, you can still adapt it and try again
10:03
Speaker 1: in a slightly different way. You can always edit your goals,
10:07
Speaker 1: but to stick to something and to do it, and
10:09
Speaker 1: it doesn't even have to be results driven. It could
10:13
Speaker 1: be you know, I want to three times a week,
10:18
Speaker 1: jump into the ocean. I want to wake up at
10:23
Speaker 1: this time every single day. I want to be able
10:25
Speaker 1: to read for thirty minutes every single day. And I
10:27
Speaker 1: can do that, and then by the end of the year,
10:29
Speaker 1: how many books have I read?
10:30
Speaker 2: That kind of shit?
10:31
Speaker 1: Okay, But discipline, discipline, discipline, discipline will teach you more
10:38
Speaker 1: about yourself than you ever thought possible.
10:40
Speaker 2: And when you are.
10:41
Speaker 1: In times of pain, times of self doubt, times that
10:45
Speaker 1: you feel like you're not enough, to become disciplined in
10:48
Speaker 1: something will help calm the mind. It will help send
10:52
Speaker 1: to you, It will help remove all destructions and bring
10:56
Speaker 1: your focus to this one task that you're wanting to do.
11:00
Speaker 1: And if you're not sure what that task is, just
11:01
Speaker 1: pick the most simple thing ever. Ten minutes of reading
11:06
Speaker 1: a day, ten minutes of meditation, you have to walk
11:09
Speaker 1: around the block every single day. Make it as simple
11:11
Speaker 1: as you want or as complicated as you want. But
11:14
Speaker 1: discipline number two isolate the feeling. What is the precise
11:22
Speaker 1: feeling where you feel lack, where you feel that you
11:25
Speaker 1: are not enough in. Is it in your physical appearance?
11:29
Speaker 1: Is it in your intelligence? Is it in your resources
11:32
Speaker 1: like your money, your possessions, or your access to people,
11:35
Speaker 1: networks or education. Is it connection to others, friendships, relationships?
11:42
Speaker 1: What where do you feel that you are not enough in?
11:47
Speaker 1: Because often you realize that this feeling of being not
11:51
Speaker 1: enough is not in every area of your life. It's
11:54
Speaker 1: in one, maybe a couple of areas in your life,
11:57
Speaker 1: or you feel that you're lacking, but often it's not
11:59
Speaker 1: in area. There are some people that have massive issues
12:02
Speaker 1: and self confidence in some area, but then they've actually
12:05
Speaker 1: got a lot going for them in other areas. But
12:07
Speaker 1: because their focus is so heavily based on where they're
12:10
Speaker 1: lacking their confidence and where they don't feel that they're enough,
12:13
Speaker 1: they don't lean into the other areas where they could
12:15
Speaker 1: be gaining so much and growing and evolving and developing
12:20
Speaker 1: and potentially creating all these opportunities for themselves because they're
12:24
Speaker 1: focusing on this area where they're lacking. Okay, So it's
12:27
Speaker 1: really good to isolate that feeling because when you can
12:32
Speaker 1: isolate that feeling, you're able to separate that from what.
12:37
Speaker 2: You are really good at or what.
12:39
Speaker 1: You are passionate about, you know, turn it around and
12:43
Speaker 1: ask yourself, like, what is it that I'm very good at?
12:47
Speaker 1: Or that I love to do that. When I do it,
12:49
Speaker 1: I could do it forever. I really enjoy it. You know,
12:52
Speaker 1: can you reignite something where you feel purpose behind doing
12:57
Speaker 1: that thing. Maybe you're a great cook and you think, wow,
13:01
Speaker 1: I actually haven't tapped into that skill. And when I cook,
13:05
Speaker 1: I feel really capable and I feel like a fucking lord. Actually,
13:09
Speaker 1: because I'm fucking good at it. I'm better than you
13:13
Speaker 1: know what? Are you better than most people that you
13:15
Speaker 1: know at one thing? And it could be the stupidest thing.
13:18
Speaker 1: Lean into those things. Those are what increase your confidence.
13:21
Speaker 1: When you do something that fills you with passion, you think, oh,
13:24
Speaker 1: I could do this forever. Okay, So while you might
13:28
Speaker 1: feel abandoned in one area of your life, there's always
13:30
Speaker 1: going to be other areas where you are thriving.
13:33
Speaker 2: Okay.
13:34
Speaker 1: Are you good at you know, helping others? Are you
13:37
Speaker 1: good at teaching people things? What else in your life
13:42
Speaker 1: is going well for you? Are your friends' legends, and
13:46
Speaker 1: every time you hang out with them, you just feel
13:47
Speaker 1: so elated, like what in your life is going well
13:50
Speaker 1: for you that is completely separate and isolated from the
13:53
Speaker 1: event where you feel that you are lacking. Because if
13:56
Speaker 1: someone's dumped you. You got to ask yourself, where do I
13:58
Speaker 1: feel that I'm not enough? Is it that I feel
14:00
Speaker 1: I'm not lovable? Is it that I feel that I'm
14:03
Speaker 1: not unique enough?
14:04
Speaker 2: Is it? Like what?
14:05
Speaker 1: It's always good to isolate so that way you've come
14:07
Speaker 1: compartmentalized this one or two things.
14:11
Speaker 2: If you don't.
14:14
Speaker 1: Isolate it and identify it, then you're gonna feel across
14:17
Speaker 1: the border, I'm not good enough, and then you don't
14:19
Speaker 1: work on the things that you love it, and you
14:21
Speaker 1: don't work on the things that you can get good
14:23
Speaker 1: at and grow in. Okay, Yeah, I just think it's
14:27
Speaker 1: really important to be isolating things, especially when it comes
14:29
Speaker 1: to like limiting beliefs, limiting thoughts that identify that thought,
14:33
Speaker 1: name it isolated, and then you can do something about it.
14:44
Speaker 1: Number three, be patient and pause when something happens to
14:50
Speaker 1: you that causes you to feel this way. You have
14:52
Speaker 1: to give yourself time, because it's all well and good
14:56
Speaker 1: to be like.
14:56
Speaker 2: Oh, hustle, hustle, hustle, work hard, or I don't give
14:58
Speaker 2: a fuck. I don't give a fuck.
15:00
Speaker 1: But when that happens, if you don't pause and process
15:02
Speaker 1: what's going on, you actually end up hurting a lot.
15:06
Speaker 1: It ends up affecting you so much. And if you're
15:08
Speaker 1: not processing this thing, you never fully move past it.
15:11
Speaker 1: You can't just bury it under the rug, because it's
15:14
Speaker 1: going to crop up in all these other areas in
15:15
Speaker 1: your life.
15:16
Speaker 2: Just because something.
15:17
Speaker 1: Failed for you, you haven't failed, and you aren't a failure.
15:23
Speaker 1: Just because something hasn't worked out for you doesn't mean
15:25
Speaker 1: your life isn't going to work out for you. You know,
15:28
Speaker 1: or you know it doesn't mean that who you are
15:32
Speaker 1: isn't going to work out for you in the future.
15:36
Speaker 1: Your life is working out and speed bumps and hurdles
15:40
Speaker 1: and bombs going off in your life. That's all part
15:42
Speaker 1: of the journey. And it's okay for you to pause
15:46
Speaker 1: and take a moment when these things happen.
15:48
Speaker 2: I actually think it's really important.
15:50
Speaker 1: I come across as like, oh tough love, But if
15:53
Speaker 1: you listen to all my episodes, one of my main
15:55
Speaker 1: things is that when you are hit with a blow,
15:59
Speaker 1: when you have pain, to process that pain and to
16:02
Speaker 1: sit with it and to understand it and to be
16:04
Speaker 1: patient with yourself so.
16:06
Speaker 2: Then you can be a bad ass and go on.
16:08
Speaker 1: And do all those things because you've learnt about yourself,
16:11
Speaker 1: you've processed it and you've understood it. Okay, because life
16:14
Speaker 1: is contrast, contrast contrast light dark light, dark pain, beauty
16:18
Speaker 1: pain beauty, and on the other side of pain, on
16:20
Speaker 1: the other side of these horrible, ugly feelings are great feelings.
16:24
Speaker 1: Is growth, is connection, is purpose, is understanding, is learning
16:27
Speaker 1: about yourself.
16:28
Speaker 2: It's all these things.
16:30
Speaker 1: When you pause, you give yourself time to grieve what
16:33
Speaker 1: you're grieving, and you break the circuit. Most importantly, you know,
16:39
Speaker 1: you give yourself space to reflect to move on. If
16:43
Speaker 1: you don't break the circuit, then you bury all the
16:45
Speaker 1: shit under the rug and then you think, oh, I'm
16:48
Speaker 1: going to have this facade fake it till I make
16:50
Speaker 1: it kind of thing. There are times where I agree
16:52
Speaker 1: with fake it till you make it, but not when
16:54
Speaker 1: it comes to pushing aside pain that needs to be addressed.
16:59
Speaker 1: If you don't change you speak to yourself. If you
17:01
Speaker 1: don't change what you believe about yourself and you just
17:04
Speaker 1: sweep it under the rug and pretend that it's all good,
17:07
Speaker 1: then there's no benefit, is there. You know, if you
17:10
Speaker 1: break the circuit by stopping and thinking, I'm not going
17:12
Speaker 1: to keep doing what I'm doing every single day.
17:13
Speaker 2: I need to stop. I need to allow myself to
17:16
Speaker 2: be sad.
17:17
Speaker 1: I need to say, you know what, what happened to
17:19
Speaker 1: you was fucked and I am shitty and I am
17:22
Speaker 1: going to have a day in bed because I just
17:23
Speaker 1: need to get it all out.
17:24
Speaker 2: I need to cry. That's good. That's different to suffering.
17:28
Speaker 1: Suffering is when you use every opportunity to link everything
17:31
Speaker 1: back to your pain and make it all about you
17:33
Speaker 1: and be the victim when you've got an opportunity for growth.
17:35
Speaker 2: That's the difference.
17:36
Speaker 1: But allow yourself to be patient with yourself, be kinder
17:40
Speaker 1: with yourself, and then when you reattempt something in the
17:44
Speaker 1: realm of self love, you can do it with more understanding.
17:47
Speaker 1: Number four, Add value to your life. What do you
17:52
Speaker 1: value and how do you add value to other people?
17:56
Speaker 1: So everybody wants to feel useful, and when you do
18:01
Speaker 1: something that makes you feel useful, you feel like you're
18:04
Speaker 1: part of something bigger than just the self. And I
18:07
Speaker 1: don't think we realize how good it feels to be
18:10
Speaker 1: useful until we do it. A lot of the time
18:13
Speaker 1: we think, oh, no, no, no, I'm an introvert, I'm
18:15
Speaker 1: not interested, or oh I'm so busy.
18:17
Speaker 2: I'm so under the pump.
18:18
Speaker 1: The last thing I'm gonna do is make myself useful
18:20
Speaker 1: for someone else.
18:21
Speaker 2: And if you.
18:22
Speaker 1: Feel that way, it's probably because you've forgotten how good
18:25
Speaker 1: it feels to be useful. And I'm not talking about
18:27
Speaker 1: burning the candle at both ends and going and doing
18:29
Speaker 1: this hectic work that's unpaid. So you know you're this
18:32
Speaker 1: become this marter not at all you can make it really,
18:36
Speaker 1: really really simple. When you're suffering, it's really really hard
18:41
Speaker 1: to break away from what's happening within you, and what
18:43
Speaker 1: you focus on expands, so you start thinking, well, I'm
18:47
Speaker 1: just not good enough. I'm not enough, I'm not enough
18:49
Speaker 1: for these people, So why am I going to approach them.
18:51
Speaker 1: I don't think I'm funny enough. I don't think i'm
18:53
Speaker 1: you know, entertaining enough or unique enough. So I'm not
18:56
Speaker 1: going to try and speak to that person I've got
18:57
Speaker 1: a crush on. I'm not going to try and make
18:58
Speaker 1: friends with those people that say, really fun I'm not enough,
19:01
Speaker 1: And then you become that then bleeds into every other
19:03
Speaker 1: area of your life.
19:04
Speaker 2: You get imposter syndrome at work, all of that. So
19:07
Speaker 2: instead of that, try and find things.
19:10
Speaker 1: Where you feel like you add value, and not where
19:16
Speaker 1: someone is determining your value, So they're completely different things.
19:20
Speaker 1: You adding value is you thinking I'm going to do
19:23
Speaker 1: this for this person without them asking me to do it,
19:25
Speaker 1: or I'm going to do this for this animal or
19:27
Speaker 1: for this nature strip or whatever the fuck I'm doing.
19:30
Speaker 1: And I feel like I've contributed. I feel like I've
19:33
Speaker 1: made myself useful, and I feel really good because I
19:37
Speaker 1: just added value to myself.
19:40
Speaker 2: I added value to the community.
19:42
Speaker 1: I added value to that person's day by smiling at
19:44
Speaker 1: them or by telling them something really nice. I added
19:47
Speaker 1: value to this person's day because I was able to,
19:50
Speaker 1: if you're in this position, pay for their coffee before
19:53
Speaker 1: I paid for mine or whatever it is.
19:54
Speaker 2: Okay, So it's like these little things that are this
19:56
Speaker 2: little spark in the day of like, oh, I felt
20:00
Speaker 2: I felt really good. I felt like I have a
20:03
Speaker 2: good purpose today. I feel like I'm on purpose today.
20:07
Speaker 1: You know, And you can really shift where your focus
20:10
Speaker 1: is from being like I'm not enough, I'm not enough.
20:12
Speaker 2: This is fuck, I'm not enough. I'm now self critical
20:15
Speaker 2: and all these things too.
20:16
Speaker 1: Wow, I'm really on purpose. I feel really like that
20:18
Speaker 1: felt fucking good. I feel useful. I want to be useful.
20:22
Speaker 1: I want people to, you know, make the most of
20:25
Speaker 1: what I have to offer. And then it's you determining
20:28
Speaker 1: your value. It's not someone saying I might may or
20:30
Speaker 1: may not date you. I don't know, you know, I
20:32
Speaker 1: might call you. I'm going to orbital ghost the fuck
20:34
Speaker 1: out of you, all of that shit. So you've got
20:37
Speaker 1: to do this by finding moments in your day where
20:40
Speaker 1: you are giving value to your day and to somebody
20:44
Speaker 1: else or to something else.
20:46
Speaker 2: Okay, so what can you do that you're good at?
20:50
Speaker 2: Who can you help? What can you improve? That's why
20:53
Speaker 2: gardening is.
20:54
Speaker 1: So good for people's moods, and it's so good for
20:57
Speaker 1: people with depression because you are contributing to something and
21:00
Speaker 1: you're helping something live. And if you've tried gardening and
21:03
Speaker 1: you've killed all your plans, that just may not be
21:06
Speaker 1: your thing, but it doesn't mean that you can't add
21:08
Speaker 1: value to something else. That's why people love having pets
21:11
Speaker 1: because they have a purpose, you know. That's why pets
21:14
Speaker 1: are so good for people with depression, because.
21:17
Speaker 2: You have a purpose. You have to keep this thing alive.
21:20
Speaker 1: You have to walk, or you have to start doing
21:21
Speaker 1: all these things, and before you know it, you've created
21:23
Speaker 1: a routine and you're doing it for someone else, but
21:25
Speaker 1: you're also doing it for yourself without realizing. So all
21:29
Speaker 1: these things of adding value to something or someone else
21:32
Speaker 1: is going to add value to yourself. You're going to
21:35
Speaker 1: determine that value. Okay number five, reflect on what you
21:41
Speaker 1: have and lean on it. So, without going into crazy detail,
21:48
Speaker 1: those of you that have been on my journey will
21:49
Speaker 1: understand that my podcast was down and up and down again,
21:54
Speaker 1: up and down for about four months last.
21:56
Speaker 2: Year, and.
21:58
Speaker 1: Long story short, it was not something that I wanted
22:01
Speaker 1: and it was really making me so upset. And I remember,
22:05
Speaker 1: because the podcast is like my outside of my relationships,
22:10
Speaker 1: is my greatest love in my life.
22:13
Speaker 2: I absolutely love to do it.
22:14
Speaker 1: So when I wasn't podcasting, and when I didn't know
22:17
Speaker 1: what my options were and what I could do, and
22:19
Speaker 1: I was so upset, I used to think, you know what,
22:21
Speaker 1: at least the podcast is up. If the podcast gets
22:23
Speaker 1: pulled down, that's.
22:24
Speaker 2: The worst case scenario. It's the worst case scenario.
22:26
Speaker 1: And then it happened, and it really was, at in
22:29
Speaker 1: that moment, the worst case scenario, and I was so upset.
22:32
Speaker 1: I remember when it first got pulled down. It was
22:34
Speaker 1: really late at night. My manager was messaging me. She's like,
22:37
Speaker 1: where's the podcast. We're getting all these messages and I
22:40
Speaker 1: was like, oh my god, oh my god, oh my god,
22:41
Speaker 1: and I couldn't.
22:42
Speaker 2: Turan's like, what's wrong, what's wrong? And I was like, oh,
22:45
Speaker 2: I have to.
22:45
Speaker 1: And I was like walking around Rushcutter's Bay, like late
22:48
Speaker 1: at night, just basically like trying not to have a
22:51
Speaker 1: meltdown anyway. So that's what the whole thing started. And
22:55
Speaker 1: every day I was so stressed. I don't know what
22:57
Speaker 1: to do, like I was just and then in the
22:59
Speaker 1: midst of all of that, but a few weeks in,
23:01
Speaker 1: I had a week away with my family.
23:03
Speaker 2: And it was in the middle of all distress, right,
23:05
Speaker 2: and I was like, oh, it's just go, Like this
23:07
Speaker 2: would be really good for you. I'll just I'll just go.
23:09
Speaker 1: So I go to this week away with my family
23:12
Speaker 1: and we went for swims together, we went and got
23:15
Speaker 1: ice crab. This was all my cousins, my sister, my cousins.
23:17
Speaker 1: We have the dogs there, aunties, uncles, everyone, and we
23:21
Speaker 1: watched movies, we cooked meals together, we did massive puzzles
23:25
Speaker 1: because my cousins and I love doing puzzles. We solved
23:29
Speaker 1: all the world's problems in our conversations, like we I
23:32
Speaker 1: just had a week away and really just re engaged
23:37
Speaker 1: with the people that A fucking adore, doing the things
23:40
Speaker 1: that I fucking adore, And it's for me, it's always
23:42
Speaker 1: the basics. The things that I love the most are
23:44
Speaker 1: like doing a puzzle with my cousins, you know, cooking
23:46
Speaker 1: a random meal, doing doing shit like that with with
23:50
Speaker 1: my cousins, with my family, and I just had I
23:55
Speaker 1: just felt so fucking good.
23:57
Speaker 2: And the pain felt so much further away, like.
24:03
Speaker 1: It just wasn't consuming me anymore. And I still had
24:06
Speaker 1: no solution. I still had no idea how things were
24:10
Speaker 1: going to unfold. I still was like, wow, I really
24:12
Speaker 1: said that the podcast going down was the worst case scenario,
24:15
Speaker 1: and the worst case scenario had unfolded. And then when
24:18
Speaker 1: I leaned into the things that I loved the most
24:20
Speaker 1: in my life, I realized that even when what I
24:25
Speaker 1: feared the most would happen in the realm of my career,
24:30
Speaker 1: it wasn't soul destroying because I still had all these
24:34
Speaker 1: things that I loved that made me feel really complete,
24:37
Speaker 1: that made me feel really on purpose.
24:39
Speaker 2: That made me feel really at peace.
24:44
Speaker 1: So I think it's really important to reflect on the
24:47
Speaker 1: really important things in your life that you love that
24:50
Speaker 1: are separate to this thing that's caused you to not
24:53
Speaker 1: feel enough, and to lean into those things and to
24:56
Speaker 1: spend more time with those people and or in the
25:00
Speaker 1: those situations.
25:01
Speaker 2: And if it's not.
25:02
Speaker 1: Necessarily people, think about a location that you love that
25:05
Speaker 1: maybe you have mental while spend more time there, you know,
25:07
Speaker 1: think about it could be absolutely anything.
25:09
Speaker 2: It could be a hobby that you love to do,
25:11
Speaker 2: it could be whatever.
25:14
Speaker 1: Okay, but you have to identify the things that really
25:17
Speaker 1: really bring you joy.
25:19
Speaker 2: And when you're in those moments, you.
25:20
Speaker 1: Realize, wow, I actually like, I actually can identify that
25:27
Speaker 1: I'm suffering, but I'm putting a little bit of distance
25:29
Speaker 1: in between myself and that suffering and I don't feel
25:32
Speaker 1: completely like unworthy because I'm distancing myself from that thing.
25:40
Speaker 2: All right, last one, number six.
25:47
Speaker 1: You need time to recreate what your life could be
25:51
Speaker 1: like if you give yourself a chance. Sometimes you feel
25:55
Speaker 1: like you're not enough because you've lost your future identity.
25:58
Speaker 1: So again I'm going back to the break up one
26:00
Speaker 1: because it's pretty much what we can most of us.
26:03
Speaker 2: Can relate to.
26:04
Speaker 1: But when you're in a relationship with someone, especially if
26:07
Speaker 1: it's a serious, committed one, you feel like you have
26:10
Speaker 1: got it all, the whole future planned out in your mind.
26:13
Speaker 2: Right.
26:13
Speaker 1: You're like, this is my person. We all have this idea,
26:17
Speaker 1: this calling someone my person. Okay, So whether you think
26:20
Speaker 1: that's good or not, it doesn't matter. But you're like,
26:23
Speaker 1: this is my person I'm going to spend the rest
26:24
Speaker 1: of This is my soul mate, this is my whatever.
26:26
Speaker 2: I'm going to spend my life with this person. We're
26:28
Speaker 2: going to build a home. We might have, you know, children,
26:31
Speaker 2: we might have pets.
26:32
Speaker 1: We're living together or not, whatever, but you're building this
26:35
Speaker 1: future and in your head you've got this person alongside
26:39
Speaker 1: you for the rest of your life.
26:41
Speaker 2: The same could go for you know, a friendship group.
26:45
Speaker 1: The same could go for a career that you're like,
26:47
Speaker 1: I've put my heart and soul into this thing, and
26:49
Speaker 1: for one reason or another, it's just absolutely fallen flat
26:52
Speaker 1: on its face, and for whatever reason, you might not
26:54
Speaker 1: be able to ever get back to that.
26:56
Speaker 2: Okay, So you have lost your imagined future identity.
27:05
Speaker 1: And it's so fucked Because we try and push through,
27:11
Speaker 1: push through, push through.
27:12
Speaker 2: But we feel very lost.
27:13
Speaker 1: We feel like this whole life that I've created for
27:16
Speaker 1: myself in reality, and then based off this reality, I've
27:20
Speaker 1: created a future in my mind is now not an
27:23
Speaker 1: option for me. It's been taken away from me, okay,
27:27
Speaker 1: or it's just vanished.
27:29
Speaker 2: So now I have.
27:31
Speaker 1: To deal with the fact that everything I've created in
27:34
Speaker 1: my mind, all these hopes and dreams and wishes and
27:36
Speaker 1: desires and excitement and everything is gone, and I have
27:41
Speaker 1: to now grieve that and what am I going to do?
27:43
Speaker 2: So this is why I say you.
27:46
Speaker 1: Have to pause and regroup and take the time, which
27:49
Speaker 1: I said like a few points ago, But then you
27:51
Speaker 1: have to allow yourself to recreate what your life could
27:56
Speaker 1: look like, because if you don't, then you're feeling the
28:00
Speaker 1: void weigh too much, okay, and you're living in the
28:04
Speaker 1: past way too much. So I know that for me,
28:08
Speaker 1: the reason why I struggled to get over my breakups
28:10
Speaker 1: in the past when I was in my twenties is
28:11
Speaker 1: because I didn't really look at my future that much.
28:15
Speaker 1: I was more living in the past, thinking no, this
28:17
Speaker 1: can't be right, he'll come back. I'm in denial in
28:21
Speaker 1: deneal denial the past, the past, what life could have been,
28:23
Speaker 1: what life could have been, And I was stuck in
28:24
Speaker 1: this cycle of what life could have been, and then
28:27
Speaker 1: every time I would imagine my future, I would think.
28:28
Speaker 2: Oh, it just wouldn't be as good as what it
28:30
Speaker 2: could have been.
28:32
Speaker 1: Had I spent more time getting a bit creative with
28:35
Speaker 1: what my life could look like, then I think I
28:37
Speaker 1: would probably have had more moments of ease in my pain.
28:42
Speaker 2: I want you to get fucking creative.
28:44
Speaker 1: And think, all right, just for fun, while I'm having
28:50
Speaker 1: a break of crying or feeling really flat or feeling
28:54
Speaker 1: really down, I'm going to imagine what my life could
28:57
Speaker 1: look like, given that it can no longer be how
29:01
Speaker 1: I thought it was going to be.
29:02
Speaker 2: And this is a great thing to do after a breakup.
29:04
Speaker 1: Because the beauty about something happening to you where you
29:08
Speaker 1: have no control of that makes you feel like you
29:10
Speaker 1: are now lacking or something is that it actually offers
29:13
Speaker 1: you an opportunity to have something that you never would
29:15
Speaker 1: have normally had. And it's not to say your life
29:18
Speaker 1: will be better or worse, but it's something new and
29:20
Speaker 1: different that you had you stayed in the old life,
29:23
Speaker 1: you would have never done. And to me, that's one
29:27
Speaker 1: of the most exciting things about these life changing events
29:31
Speaker 1: where you think it's all doom and gloom, but in
29:33
Speaker 1: reality it's more so opportunity and growth. Doom and gloom
29:36
Speaker 1: at the start, opportunity and growth a little bit later.
29:38
Speaker 1: And that's how you want to look at it. So
29:40
Speaker 1: ask yourself, is there a career that I never really
29:45
Speaker 1: entertained but now I realistically could entertain this career option
29:49
Speaker 1: now is there? And the answer is yes, the fucking is.
29:53
Speaker 1: It's just a matter of what is it? Is there
29:56
Speaker 1: someone out there for me that's a better match? Like
30:00
Speaker 1: I might have loved this person so much, but did
30:03
Speaker 1: I love everything about how they treated me? Did I
30:06
Speaker 1: love everything about their behavior all the time? Were they
30:10
Speaker 1: as spontaneous as I wanted them to be? Or were
30:12
Speaker 1: they not as much of a homebody as I would
30:15
Speaker 1: have loved to be with someone like that? You know,
30:17
Speaker 1: is it possible that there's a fucking more of a
30:22
Speaker 1: match for me out there where we are just vibing?
30:27
Speaker 1: The answer is yes, it's definitely possible. Is it possible
30:30
Speaker 1: that I could live in a brand new location where
30:34
Speaker 1: every day is different, where I'm learning new things and
30:38
Speaker 1: new people where I've thrown myself in the deep end
30:40
Speaker 1: and I'm fucking thriving and I'm going to be telling
30:42
Speaker 1: my grandkids about this experience later on in life. Yes,
30:46
Speaker 1: it's possible. So when you start asking yourself these things,
30:51
Speaker 1: you start to get a bit excited about your future
30:54
Speaker 1: and you think, wait a minute, Yes, I am allowed
30:58
Speaker 1: to grieve this future that I have had, thought I
31:00
Speaker 1: was gonna have, and now it's it won't happen. But
31:04
Speaker 1: I'll take time off from that grief and I'm gonna
31:06
Speaker 1: get fucking creative. I'm gonna daydream and I'm gonna day
31:09
Speaker 1: dream up.
31:10
Speaker 2: All these possibilities what that could look like. I did
31:13
Speaker 2: that with my trip to France. I was like, just.
31:15
Speaker 1: Imagine going down in a French street and buying my
31:18
Speaker 1: food for the day. And then when I moved to France,
31:20
Speaker 1: I fucking did that. I would go down with my
31:23
Speaker 1: little canvas bag and buy shit that I was gonna
31:25
Speaker 1: cook for the day and go back to my little
31:26
Speaker 1: apartment where you could see the Eiffel Tower, and I'm like,
31:28
Speaker 1: I'm fucking living my day dreamed, imagined dream.
31:32
Speaker 2: Okay, it's possible. For you, you just have to you
31:36
Speaker 2: have to get creative.
31:37
Speaker 1: You have to think, I'm just gonna think a little
31:39
Speaker 1: bit broader outside the lines, because the alternative to that
31:44
Speaker 1: is to grieve, grieve, grieve the life that you thought
31:47
Speaker 1: you were gonna have and didn't have, and then to
31:49
Speaker 1: look for things that will fit into that same thing
31:53
Speaker 1: to pacify yourself again. So that's why a lot of
31:55
Speaker 1: people will jump from one relationship straight into another relationship
31:58
Speaker 1: that might not even be the best fit for then,
32:00
Speaker 1: but they're like, now I'm comfortable because it's kind of
32:02
Speaker 1: aligned with what I thought, you know, my life was
32:04
Speaker 1: going to look like, and now I'm kind of clicking
32:06
Speaker 1: it back into place that might make you happy, And
32:08
Speaker 1: that's great. But let yourself be creative so then you
32:11
Speaker 1: can determine, Okay, do I just want a replica of
32:14
Speaker 1: the life that I thought I was going to have,
32:15
Speaker 1: or do I want to bleed outside the lines a
32:17
Speaker 1: little bit and see where this.
32:19
Speaker 2: Could take me.
32:21
Speaker 1: You know, the life that you had imagined and prepared
32:25
Speaker 1: for is no longer on the table, and that hurts.
32:30
Speaker 1: And that's what causes us to feel like we're missing something,
32:34
Speaker 1: We're lacking something, we mustn't have been enough for someone
32:38
Speaker 1: to cut us out, for someone to reject us, for
32:40
Speaker 1: us not to get what we wanted to get.
32:42
Speaker 2: We just are not enough.
32:44
Speaker 1: But if you turn the tables and you get creative,
32:46
Speaker 1: you start thinking, maybe there's a better match for what
32:49
Speaker 1: I am and what I want to do.
32:51
Speaker 2: And it's not about not being enough. It's about it
32:53
Speaker 2: just not being the right match.
32:55
Speaker 1: It's just not clicking, and it's just not how it's
32:58
Speaker 1: supposed to be. May be the reason this has happened
33:01
Speaker 1: is because deep down I might be craving something that's
33:05
Speaker 1: beyond any of this.
33:06
Speaker 2: And again, it.
33:07
Speaker 1: Doesn't have to be better quote unquote, or greater or bigger.
33:11
Speaker 1: It just is something you know where you will really
33:15
Speaker 1: thrive in that's not this. Don't settle for a life
33:19
Speaker 1: where your value is determined by someone or something who
33:23
Speaker 1: is not you or who doesn't have your best interest
33:26
Speaker 1: at heart. And don't settle for a life where you
33:29
Speaker 1: tell yourself that you're not worth it. This is this
33:31
Speaker 1: one life. You can't be sitting there telling yourself that
33:34
Speaker 1: you're not enough, because if you don't, who will other
33:38
Speaker 1: than me and this podcast? Because you are fucking enough.
33:40
Speaker 1: But you have to tell yourself that you know you
33:44
Speaker 1: can relean a way of living that's going to make
33:46
Speaker 1: you feel good. It's simple, and it's.
33:49
Speaker 2: Not necessarily easy, but with practice it becomes very easy.
33:52
Speaker 1: And the beauty of it is that you don't have
33:55
Speaker 1: to change right now today, but you have to be
33:58
Speaker 1: willing to change. You have to be open to change.
34:02
Speaker 1: And when you're receptive to changing and to change around you,
34:07
Speaker 1: everything starts getting a little bit better. You could be
34:11
Speaker 1: in the dumps right now with something that's happened to
34:13
Speaker 1: you that's caused you to not feel like you're enough.
34:15
Speaker 2: You could be in a place where.
34:18
Speaker 1: You feel so unworthy, and in the matter of a year,
34:23
Speaker 1: maybe two years, you could be living a life beyond
34:27
Speaker 1: your imagination of what you can be imagining right now. Okay,
34:33
Speaker 1: your home, your job, your relationship, your outlook on life,
34:37
Speaker 1: your relationship with yourself, your happiness, all of that could
34:42
Speaker 1: completely be transformed in a matter of a year, maybe
34:46
Speaker 1: less for some people, maybe a bit more for others.
34:49
Speaker 2: And the first step is to acknowledge that it's possible.
34:54
Speaker 2: And the moment you acknowledge that these daydreams are possible,
34:57
Speaker 2: whether you follow them or not, doesn't matter. The moment,
34:59
Speaker 2: you're like, that's a possibility.
35:01
Speaker 1: That's a little light, a flickering light, and then that
35:04
Speaker 1: light will flicker off and you're like, I feel like
35:06
Speaker 1: shit again. And then you're like, it's possible. That light
35:08
Speaker 1: flickers a bit more, a bit more, a bit more,
35:10
Speaker 1: and then this flickering light that felt like a bit
35:13
Speaker 1: of hope in your darkest days starts to turn into
35:16
Speaker 1: this like raging fire that makes you go and chase
35:20
Speaker 1: those things that you want to work for. That makes
35:22
Speaker 1: you go and you know, set goals for yourself and
35:25
Speaker 1: become disciplined and follow through with these big ideas and.
35:28
Speaker 2: Take those big but calculated risks.
35:31
Speaker 1: That little flame becomes this big fire that is the
35:35
Speaker 1: next version of you, the two point zero version of you. Okay,
35:38
Speaker 1: that is available for you. But you have to focus
35:43
Speaker 1: on all these steps when you're feeling low about yourself,
35:45
Speaker 1: because you can't just ignore it, because when you ignore it,
35:48
Speaker 1: you're pretty much saying I'm not worth paying attention to
35:51
Speaker 1: this feeling, which is not fair to yourself. You can't
35:55
Speaker 1: just push past it completely an act like nothing happened,
35:57
Speaker 1: because this is a moment for you to learn and
35:58
Speaker 1: grow the only thing you can do is to address it,
36:02
Speaker 1: to understand it, to be patient, and then to grow
36:05
Speaker 1: from it. So in conclusion, let's quickly go over these
36:09
Speaker 1: six things again. Number one, become disciplined in something and
36:11
Speaker 1: stick to it. Number two, isolate that feeling, and then
36:16
Speaker 1: when you isolate that feeling, you're able to then focus
36:19
Speaker 1: on the other feelings where where you feel good. Number three,
36:23
Speaker 1: be patient and pause and give yourself time to grieve
36:27
Speaker 1: and break the circuit. Don't just keep pushing through.
36:31
Speaker 2: Number four.
36:32
Speaker 1: Add value to your life and make yourself feel valuable.
36:35
Speaker 1: Don't seek this feeling of value in other people. Add
36:39
Speaker 1: value to other people, yourself and situations and things like
36:43
Speaker 1: a fucking fiddlely fig plant.
36:46
Speaker 2: Number five.
36:47
Speaker 1: Reflect on all the good that you have and lean
36:49
Speaker 1: into that, like my story with my family going away
36:52
Speaker 1: or doing puzzles. What is it that makes you feel
36:54
Speaker 1: on top of the world and can you lean into
36:56
Speaker 1: more of that so then there's more of a balance
36:58
Speaker 1: in your life, so you can separate yourself from that intensity.
37:02
Speaker 1: And number six, give yourself the space to become really
37:06
Speaker 1: creative and recreate what your life could look like. And
37:09
Speaker 1: there doesn't have to be any limitations to that creativity.
37:13
Speaker 2: Guys, I hope you enjoyed the episode of today.
37:15
Speaker 1: We have a listener question and one thing that I
37:19
Speaker 1: did want to bring back is doing a call out
37:21
Speaker 1: to my global beans around the world, because it's really
37:23
Speaker 1: cool to see where my listeners are coming from. So
37:27
Speaker 1: I want to give a shout out to my listeners
37:29
Speaker 1: in Scotland, in Nigeria, in Nepal and also in Panama.
37:35
Speaker 1: I love my global beans so much. I love you
37:38
Speaker 1: all so much, and I've just I keep meeting you
37:42
Speaker 1: guys around.
37:43
Speaker 2: It's just the best.
37:44
Speaker 1: If you guys are from Melbourne, by the way, is
37:47
Speaker 1: you're hearing this the day gets released on Friday. I'm
37:49
Speaker 1: actually flying to Melbourne today Friday, and I'm going to
37:53
Speaker 1: be there for four and a half days just for
37:54
Speaker 1: a little get away with Tyrone. So if I see
37:57
Speaker 1: any of you Melbourne and beans, you guys at lit
38:01
Speaker 1: and die Hard and I love you so much, so
38:03
Speaker 1: much fun, please say hello.
38:05
Speaker 2: I will be so excited to meet you guys. That
38:08
Speaker 2: is all. Okay, listen to question time, Good times. Okay,
38:12
Speaker 2: it's time for the listener question. Hello.
38:18
Speaker 1: I'm certain that I'm a toxic partner, but I feel
38:21
Speaker 1: so confused about the situation or why I have done it.
38:24
Speaker 1: My partner and I have now broken up, but while together,
38:27
Speaker 1: I was not reactive In the beginning. He lied about
38:30
Speaker 1: still speaking with his last friends with benefits while I
38:33
Speaker 1: was away traveling, and I let it slide. He took
38:35
Speaker 1: nerds of me without knowing that's like beyond whatever, and
38:40
Speaker 1: I found out and made him watch a documentary on feminism.
38:43
Speaker 1: He lied about engaging with his ex friends with benefits
38:46
Speaker 1: while out and broke a big promise to me on that. However,
38:50
Speaker 1: after these things happened as more floating, I got more
38:53
Speaker 1: toxic myself. I became controlling, telling him to block this
38:56
Speaker 1: girl altogether, not go out if she was there, not
38:58
Speaker 1: engage with her at all. I listened to your episode
39:01
Speaker 1: recently where you discussed how to walk away when someone
39:03
Speaker 1: thinks the worst of you, and you noted that if
39:06
Speaker 1: you don't let someone leave during an argument, you're toxic.
39:10
Speaker 1: Just to clarify that, I'm saying that it is a
39:12
Speaker 1: toxic behavior to do that. I'm not saying that you
39:15
Speaker 1: as a person are toxic. There's a difference between an
39:17
Speaker 1: individual labeling themselves entirely as toxic, and a behavior being
39:21
Speaker 1: toxic and you trapping someone in a room where they
39:24
Speaker 1: need space to think and rationalize is unhealthy.
39:28
Speaker 2: That's what I mean, Just to clarify, I used to
39:31
Speaker 2: do that.
39:31
Speaker 1: I wanted things resolved then and there, and I couldn't
39:34
Speaker 1: hold my emotions in the end. Oftentimes he would take
39:37
Speaker 1: space or just not get back to me in an
39:39
Speaker 1: argument and I wouldn't hear from him for days at
39:41
Speaker 1: a time. He would lie or break a promise, and
39:44
Speaker 1: then I was the one chasing him or begging him
39:46
Speaker 1: to apologize. I came up with a strategy where if
39:48
Speaker 1: he needed a break, it was cool, but just give
39:51
Speaker 1: me the time you'll be back. However, when he came back,
39:54
Speaker 1: it was me leading the resolution again and him suggesting nothing. Eventually,
39:59
Speaker 1: as things progressed towards the end, I was fully aware
40:02
Speaker 1: and working with a therapist in all the ways that
40:04
Speaker 1: I was.
40:04
Speaker 2: Controlling or manipulative e g.
40:06
Speaker 1: I had asked him not to tell his friends about
40:09
Speaker 1: our arguments and he said the same. However, he said
40:12
Speaker 1: his therapist told him to leave me and that he
40:14
Speaker 1: needs to work on his self esteem. He walked away,
40:17
Speaker 1: and I feel like I was so toxic. But I
40:19
Speaker 1: also but also that I was the one working on
40:21
Speaker 1: my behavior and it was left to me. I know
40:24
Speaker 1: he did things to hurt me and did not pull
40:26
Speaker 1: his weight in the relationship, but I know I was toxic.
40:28
Speaker 2: I worried. I worry I may be a narcissist. I'm
40:31
Speaker 2: not sure.
40:31
Speaker 1: I can't make sense of this whole situation, and I
40:34
Speaker 1: just want it to make sense so.
40:35
Speaker 2: I can move on.
40:36
Speaker 1: I feel this deep need to label someone as the
40:38
Speaker 1: bad guy, and I can't move forward without doing that. Recently,
40:42
Speaker 1: we've been in touch, and has told me how he's
40:44
Speaker 1: speaking to someone and it's quote like they have the
40:46
Speaker 1: same brain. He said his intention is not to sleep
40:49
Speaker 1: with her, but he wouldn't stop if it happened. I
40:51
Speaker 1: found myself hurting and confused and accusing him of already
40:54
Speaker 1: sleeping with her after he's had push pull behavior with me.
40:59
Speaker 1: I guess my question is as follows, I became toxic
41:01
Speaker 1: after multiple attempts at doing it healthy. Why can't I
41:04
Speaker 1: walk away from the first few red flags? Why do
41:07
Speaker 1: I persist?
41:07
Speaker 2: Why can't I leave? And what do I do? Knowing
41:11
Speaker 2: I am this way? Thank you. I've loved listening to
41:14
Speaker 2: your podcast. It's a game changer.
41:16
Speaker 1: Okay, So look, there's a few things here. Firstly, it
41:22
Speaker 1: seems like it's the right thing that it ended. You
41:25
Speaker 1: guys obviously did not seem compatible. He was doing some
41:29
Speaker 1: very unhealthy behaviors. We'll talk about if yours were toxic
41:32
Speaker 1: or not or whatever, but it was unhealthy.
41:34
Speaker 2: Okay.
41:34
Speaker 1: There was a lack of trust, there were issues. You
41:37
Speaker 1: mentioned that you were pulling the weight and he wasn't.
41:39
Speaker 1: It seems like he's just as far as a relationship,
41:41
Speaker 1: it's not viable. Secondly, I wouldn't recommend that you guys
41:44
Speaker 1: communicate with each other. There's no point because it doesn't
41:48
Speaker 1: seem like it's an actual friendship. Because friends respect boundaries.
41:51
Speaker 1: You're not respecting his boundary here. Whether he's an asshole
41:53
Speaker 1: or not, it's irrelevant. You're not in a relationship now.
41:56
Speaker 1: So to then be accusing someone of sleeping with someone
42:00
Speaker 1: he's single, the caunt can sleep with whoever he wants,
42:02
Speaker 1: do you know what I mean? And also, when someone
42:05
Speaker 1: denies something that's personal to them, they are entitled to
42:10
Speaker 1: do that. I think a lot of people put the
42:11
Speaker 1: pressure on someone saying you lied to me. You never Tommy,
42:14
Speaker 1: you slept with that person, none of your business if
42:17
Speaker 1: it doesn't directly involve you.
42:18
Speaker 2: You can't put.
42:19
Speaker 1: Pressure on someone disclosing information that is private. Okay, So
42:25
Speaker 1: this whole thing, he says his intention is not to
42:27
Speaker 1: sleep with her. I found myself, you know, accusing him
42:30
Speaker 1: of already unhealthy, unhealthy, unhealthy back away. You guys should
42:33
Speaker 1: not even have a friendship at least at this stage.
42:35
Speaker 1: So just fucking eliminate. Next, you're saying, I feel this
42:40
Speaker 1: deep need to label someone as the bad guy, and
42:42
Speaker 1: I can't move forward without doing that.
42:43
Speaker 2: Yes, you can move forward without doing that.
42:46
Speaker 1: You are choosing not to because you are fixating on
42:49
Speaker 1: something that is consuming you.
42:50
Speaker 2: But you can, Okay, it is a choice.
42:54
Speaker 1: I feel like maybe you have tied a lot off
42:58
Speaker 1: your need to be forgiven in order to move forward.
43:03
Speaker 2: That's what you're latching onto.
43:05
Speaker 1: You're focusing, You're fixating so heavily on thinking until I
43:09
Speaker 1: get they're all clear that you know I am, Okay,
43:14
Speaker 1: I'm forgiven that we're on good terms.
43:16
Speaker 2: I can't move forward.
43:18
Speaker 1: But there are going to be situations in life where
43:20
Speaker 1: you have fucked up, where someone else is fucked up,
43:21
Speaker 1: where it's just not gone well, and you may or
43:25
Speaker 1: may not be forgiven and you can still move past that.
43:28
Speaker 1: By saying I have the need to label someone as
43:30
Speaker 1: the bad guy, you're saying you need to blame this
43:33
Speaker 1: on somebody. You need to find someone to blame. Sometimes
43:37
Speaker 1: you don't have to blame anyone. Sometimes the reason a
43:40
Speaker 1: relationship goes so badly is because you have two people
43:45
Speaker 1: who are not emotionally mature enough to tackle what's ahead.
43:49
Speaker 1: And sometimes when you've got one person who's super emotionally
43:52
Speaker 1: immature and you're dating them, it causes you to mirror
43:55
Speaker 1: these behaviors if you haven't been there before, so had
43:59
Speaker 1: you experience something like this before, and then he's doing
44:01
Speaker 1: things that are going past your boundaries, and you know,
44:04
Speaker 1: taking photos.
44:05
Speaker 2: If you naked and all of that.
44:07
Speaker 1: If that had happened to you in the past, if
44:08
Speaker 1: this was to happen again, you'd be able to set
44:10
Speaker 1: these boundaries and walk away, or you'd be able to
44:12
Speaker 1: do something about it. But if you kind of knew
44:15
Speaker 1: at all of this and all these unhealthy behaviors are happening,
44:18
Speaker 1: you might find yourself mirroring back these unhealthy behaviors.
44:22
Speaker 2: You also mentioned that maybe you're a narcissist.
44:25
Speaker 1: You might very well be a narcissist, but based on
44:27
Speaker 1: what you've told me, that doesn't really seem like a
44:29
Speaker 1: narcissistic behavior at all. I've got a whole episode on
44:32
Speaker 1: narcissistic behavior. It's quite specific what a narcissist is, So
44:36
Speaker 1: go check that one out, and I just don't think
44:38
Speaker 1: that this is narcissistic behavior. You also, yeah, So I
44:44
Speaker 1: guess at the very end, I guess my question is
44:46
Speaker 1: as follows, I became toxic after multiple attempts at doing
44:49
Speaker 1: it healthy. When you try doing something healthy and it
44:53
Speaker 1: doesn't work out, the solution to that is not to
44:56
Speaker 1: then do it in an unhealthy way. The solution to
44:59
Speaker 1: that is then potentially walk away or try and give
45:03
Speaker 1: the other person more responsibilities. But if the other person's
45:05
Speaker 1: completely not receptive, then the solution is to walk away.
45:08
Speaker 1: It's not like, oh, I try to be good now
45:10
Speaker 1: I'm just going to be a cunt. That's just not
45:13
Speaker 1: how you're going to feel fulfilled and how you're going
45:16
Speaker 1: to feel happy. That's just not how it's ever going
45:18
Speaker 1: to work. So that's not a way of justifying your
45:22
Speaker 1: toxic behavior. A better way that I would think of
45:26
Speaker 1: justifying the toxic behavior is that this is just a
45:29
Speaker 1: big fucking learning curve for you, and you were confronted
45:32
Speaker 1: with behaviors that maybe you weren't confronted within the past.
45:35
Speaker 1: It was difficult to deal with, and your reaction is
45:38
Speaker 1: to respond with these behaviors to protect yourself.
45:41
Speaker 2: That's pretty normal.
45:42
Speaker 1: A lot of unhealthy behaviors in a relationship are due
45:46
Speaker 1: to someone trying to protect themselves and once you learn,
45:49
Speaker 1: you do better.
45:50
Speaker 2: Once you learn, you do better, and it just goes
45:52
Speaker 2: on and on and on.
45:53
Speaker 1: Okay, then you say, why can't I I walk away
45:56
Speaker 1: from the first few red flags?
45:57
Speaker 2: Why do I persist? Well, that's just really common.
46:02
Speaker 1: In general, people struggle to walk away from a relationship
46:04
Speaker 1: because they're trying to avoid losing what they've got. It's
46:09
Speaker 1: not that the relationship obviously just wasn't a whole bunch
46:12
Speaker 1: of red flags. You obviously cared for this guy, You
46:14
Speaker 1: obviously loved this guy. That's why you couldn't walk away.
46:16
Speaker 1: And when red flags happen, they don't happen just independently.
46:19
Speaker 1: They happen mixed up with all these things that you
46:22
Speaker 1: like about the person, So you weigh up and you think, well,
46:24
Speaker 1: I'm willing to put up with these red flags because
46:27
Speaker 1: there's enough good that makes me want to stay. Another
46:29
Speaker 1: thing is that a lot of people think, well, I
46:31
Speaker 1: don't want to give up everything we've had so far,
46:34
Speaker 1: so I'm willing to stick it out because I feel
46:36
Speaker 1: like it would just be such a waste to throw
46:38
Speaker 1: in the towel. That's a lot of people's reasoning behind that,
46:41
Speaker 1: So that's why people struggle to leave.
46:44
Speaker 2: Now you say, what do I do?
46:46
Speaker 1: Knowing I'm this way based on what you've said, Nothing
46:49
Speaker 1: of your behavior is really that unfixable or unhealthy.
46:54
Speaker 2: You know, it's I just think.
46:56
Speaker 1: That when you notice that someone is treating you poorly,
47:02
Speaker 1: and you understand that your reaction to that is to
47:05
Speaker 1: then treat them poorly in response, then you should raise
47:08
Speaker 1: that with them and say, look, my protective mechanism is
47:13
Speaker 1: to mirror back unhealthy behaviors. So in order to not
47:18
Speaker 1: do that, I've identified these behaviors. I don't feel comfortable.
47:21
Speaker 1: Can we talk about it and you bring it to light.
47:24
Speaker 1: This person has broken your boundaries again and again and
47:27
Speaker 1: again and again. He's made you feel like shit. He's
47:29
Speaker 1: probably you know, really hurt your self esteem or your
47:32
Speaker 1: relationship with yourself, and then you've gone into protective mode
47:37
Speaker 1: to protect yourself and you've got these behaviors. But I
47:39
Speaker 1: feel like you're being a bit too hard on yourself
47:42
Speaker 1: with what you're saying. You're saying, you know, like, what
47:44
Speaker 1: do I do knowing I'm this way, you're not. This
47:49
Speaker 1: isn't a permanent thing. You can easily easily change your behaviors. However,
47:54
Speaker 1: it takes a lot off self reflection and self awareness.
47:59
Speaker 1: And I think that when someone displays unhealthy behaviors in
48:02
Speaker 1: a relationship in response to being treated poorly, then that
48:08
Speaker 1: is very understandable, and it's more so in the future.
48:11
Speaker 1: I need to identify these behaviors in a partner earlier
48:14
Speaker 1: so I can try and fix it or walk away.
48:16
Speaker 1: My response won't be to then be toxic in return. Okay,
48:21
Speaker 1: hopefully that helped. But yeah, I think you're just being
48:24
Speaker 1: a little bit too hard on yourself. I think you
48:26
Speaker 1: shouldn't have any relationship whatsoever with this person. It's going
48:29
Speaker 1: to help you move on a lot quicker. If you've
48:30
Speaker 1: got a relationship with an X where you're bickering and
48:34
Speaker 1: you think it's a friendship. You're fucking in denial. That's
48:37
Speaker 1: all I can say. A friendship is a fucking friendship.
48:40
Speaker 1: People that try and keep the X in their lives
48:43
Speaker 1: yet cause them and while a're causing themselves so much animosity,
48:47
Speaker 1: are in denial. You just want to be in a relationship,
48:51
Speaker 1: but you're just not. It's just not clicking.
48:53
Speaker 2: So if you.
48:54
Speaker 1: Can't have an actual friendship with your ex, there should
48:59
Speaker 1: be no relationship, okay, or it should be civil if
49:03
Speaker 1: you absolutely have to see this person because you're in
49:05
Speaker 1: the same circles, but you know you accusing someone of
49:08
Speaker 1: sleeping with someone. Fuck, you are entited to sleep with
49:12
Speaker 1: whoever the fuck you want when you're single, as is he,
49:15
Speaker 1: and if it makes it that painful, you shouldn't be
49:17
Speaker 1: talking to him. So my advice is cut him out
49:21
Speaker 1: of your life, take some time working on your self love.
49:25
Speaker 1: I've got a bunch of episodes on that, and then
49:27
Speaker 1: probably just focus on identifying behaviors that are healthy in
49:31
Speaker 1: someone versus unhealthy, and don't react by mirroring a toxic behavior.
49:36
Speaker 1: Back raise the issue at the start. If the person
49:38
Speaker 1: is unwilling to change, then you're at a crossroad, saying
49:41
Speaker 1: do I want to pursue things further with someone who's
49:43
Speaker 1: not willing to change this unhealthy way of treating me
49:45
Speaker 1: or not.
49:46
Speaker 2: Guys, thank you so much for listening to today's episode,
49:49
Speaker 2: Love you all so much.
49:50
Speaker 1: As always, remember, be kind to yourself, become to your brands,
49:53
Speaker 1: don't text shit from anyone, and especially don't text shit
49:55
Speaker 1: from yourself.
49:56
Speaker 2: Don't care
50:07
Speaker 1: S