Latest / Reflect Reclaim & Liberate - with Sallyanne Hartnell / Types of Fear & Why You'll Be OK After Divorce

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Types of Fear & Why You'll Be OK After Divorce · Reflect Reclaim & Liberate - with Sallyanne Hartnell

• 0:07
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate the podcast, finding the space for all of you in life and love.
• 0:15
  SPEAKER_00: I'm your host, Sally Ann Hartnell, and this podcast is for anyone wanting to reclaim and liberate themselves in their relationships and their life.
• 0:25
  SPEAKER_00: Wherever you are on your relationship journey, these conversations meet you right there in soulful, deeply supportive DNMs with me and interviews with other gorgeous humans, moving you from where you are to where you most want to be.
• 0:40
  SPEAKER_00: A life and love completely aligned with your deepest desires to have it all on your own terms.
• 0:47
  SPEAKER_00: If you're seeking a relationship and a life that lights up all of you, you're in the right place.
• 0:54
  SPEAKER_00: I'd also like to acknowledge that this podcast is recorded on the traditional lands of the Wurundri people and pay my respects to elders past, present, and emerging and acknowledge them as the original storytellers of this land.
• 1:22
  SPEAKER_00: Firstly, the fear.
• 1:26
  SPEAKER_00: When we get in touch with what we really want, when we strip back all the layers and all the conditioning and all the noise, when we get underneath all of that, when we allow ourselves to perhaps look at our reality with new eyes, when we're truthful with ourselves about our relationship, fear rises.
• 1:47
  SPEAKER_00: Fear rises.
• 1:48
  SPEAKER_00: Acknowledging that where we are and what we have is not quite what we want, that requires vulnerability and feeling vulnerable is uncomfortable, and uncomfortable means fear will rise.
• 2:01
  SPEAKER_00: Being sitting in discomfort is scary for us as humans.
• 2:06
  SPEAKER_00: Now, really interestingly, in ancient Hebrew, there are two different types of fear described.
• 2:13
  SPEAKER_00: Whereas we in the West tend to just think of fear as one thing.
• 2:19
  SPEAKER_00: I was really interested to hear that in ancient Hebrew there are two different types of fear described, and by learning to recognize and differentiate them, we can ease or soothe our way through fear and not allow it to be the driver, not allow it to get in our own way.
• 2:37
  SPEAKER_00: Now, forgive my pronunciation here, but I'm going to give it a crack.
• 2:42
  SPEAKER_00: The first type of fear that is described is Pachar, which is the fear of projected or imagined things.
• 2:49
  SPEAKER_00: It's an overactive and often misguided fear that's always focused on or worried about the worst-case scenario.
• 2:57
  SPEAKER_00: It sees threats and dangers that aren't really there.
• 3:01
  SPEAKER_00: You know, it's the fear of a rejection that we think will devastate us, or it's the fear that we'll fall apart if we step out of our comfort zone.
• 3:10
  SPEAKER_00: Pachad is the overreactive, irrational fear that stems from worries about what could happen and makes us think about all those worst-case scenarios.
• 3:20
  SPEAKER_00: It's a future-focused fear, you know, embarrassing ourselves or failing or being rejected.
• 3:27
  SPEAKER_00: It's as I said, a real future-focused fear, and it can become overwhelming, an obsession in our mind that takes over and runs the show in our mind and in our body if we don't know how to manage it.
• 3:41
  SPEAKER_00: The second type of fear is yera.
• 3:46
  SPEAKER_00: And yera in the Hebrew explanation is the fear-like feeling when we are close to or we are touching something sacred or the divine.
• 3:58
  SPEAKER_00: It's the fear that rises in us when we are inhabiting a larger space than what we're used to.
• 4:05
  SPEAKER_00: When we're really getting in touch with that sacred voice within ourselves, it's that awe-like feeling of inhabiting or stepping into something bigger, something greater.
• 4:16
  SPEAKER_00: It's the fear that rises in us when we bump up or when we open up to possibility, or when we find ourselves in possession of more, considerably more energy or more power than we're used to.
• 4:31
  SPEAKER_00: As I said, it's about inhabiting that larger space that we're that we're used to than we're used to inhabiting, stepping into possibility.
• 4:39
  SPEAKER_00: And it is in the true Hebrew definition, it's the feeling when we are in the presence of something sacred or divine.
• 4:47
  SPEAKER_00: Now, both of these fears rise up to protect us.
• 4:51
  SPEAKER_00: Both rise when we're outside of our comfort zone.
• 4:54
  SPEAKER_00: Pachad protects us from the perceived danger, from the future outcome, and can often be felt physically in the body.
• 5:01
  SPEAKER_00: You know, that heart rate, that fight-flight type reaction response.
• 5:05
  SPEAKER_00: While UR blocks us or prevents us from perhaps reaching our potential, transcending our limitations.
• 5:17
  SPEAKER_00: It tends to be a more a response to the present, the now, and it often comes up when you're thinking of choosing differently, when you're choosing or thinking about acting or taking a real leap of faith.
• 5:28
  SPEAKER_00: Now we can feel and find and soothe our way through both these fears, but Pakad is one where that requires a really safe environment to move through.
• 5:42
  SPEAKER_00: Whereas with Yura, we might just be a few small steps away from feeling that fear of stepping into our next big thing, our next potential, our greatness, and allowing Yurah is about allowing the space for the fear and doing the thing anyway.
• 6:01
  SPEAKER_00: Pakad is based in our reptilian overactive brain and recognizing it as for what it is and naming it, whether you choose this name or something else, naming it enables us to choose not to take direction from this type of fear, not to allow it to drive the bus.
• 6:21
  SPEAKER_00: But if you're feeling era, it's an invitation to welcome it.
• 6:27
  SPEAKER_00: So when you next feel fear, get curious.
• 6:31
  SPEAKER_00: Don't just throw the blanket term over it that this is fear.
• 6:36
  SPEAKER_00: What part of this fear is your?
• 6:38
  SPEAKER_00: And if it is your savour it, welcome it.
• 6:41
  SPEAKER_00: It will have a tinge of excitement, you know, that little twinkling of excitement, or maybe even exhilaration, or a feeling of awe.
• 6:50
  SPEAKER_00: Well, Pakad has a sense of threat and panic, it is rooted in that fight flight.
• 6:55
  SPEAKER_00: So lean into and look for the callings and leaps and the stretch that that is your area.
• 7:03
  SPEAKER_00: And let's face it, separating, divorce, it will take you out of your comfort zone.
• 7:10
  SPEAKER_00: You will feel fear.
• 7:12
  SPEAKER_00: It will be hard.
• 7:13
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not one to sugarcoat it, but what part of this fear is your area?
• 7:21
  SPEAKER_00: What part of this fear that you're feeling about taking the next step, moving where you need to move, doing the thing you need to do, stepping into possibility.
• 7:30
  SPEAKER_00: What part of it is your R?
• 7:32
  SPEAKER_00: And here are some reasons why, if you embrace that and step through it and move through it, why you'll be okay.
• 7:42
  SPEAKER_00: Firstly, let's acknowledge divorce means less.
• 7:46
  SPEAKER_00: Divorce does mean that there will be less in many ways.
• 7:51
  SPEAKER_00: You might have less time available to you, there might be less financial security, there might be less money coming into the household, there might be a smaller home that feels less, there might be less time with your kids, but where there is less, there's also more.
• 8:20
  SPEAKER_00: Yep, there may be less money, but the more is you get to choose exactly how you spend it, where you spend it, on what, with whom, all the things.
• 8:32
  SPEAKER_00: There's more, there's less, I'm sorry, but there's also more.
• 8:35
  SPEAKER_00: There's more choice, there's more freedom.
• 8:38
  SPEAKER_00: There may be less time with your kids, but again, you get to decide exactly how life looks when your kids are with you.
• 8:46
  SPEAKER_00: So there's less, but there's also more.
• 8:56
  SPEAKER_00: Let me ask you, how much time and energy have you spent or are you spending currently trying to save or fix the relationship?
• 9:06
  SPEAKER_00: How much time, effort, energy have you spent, or are you spending trying to save or fix your relationship or your man or your marriage?
• 9:14
  SPEAKER_00: Or perhaps navigating your separation and divorce.
• 9:19
  SPEAKER_00: Or how much will you need to spend?
• 9:22
  SPEAKER_00: How much time, effort, energy will you need to spend if you leave?
• 9:26
  SPEAKER_00: Imagine how you can better spend that time and energy.
• 9:31
  SPEAKER_00: Most of us will spend an enormous amount of time and energy trying to save our marriage, fix our relationship, fix our partner, and the energetic time, energetic and time costs of navigating divorce are massive.
• 9:48
  SPEAKER_00: And afterwards, there's a void, there's a deficit, and you get to choose to fill that void of time and negative energy with all of the light and all of the positive activity, all the good stuff that you've ever wanted or imagined for yourself.
• 10:02
  SPEAKER_00: You get to choose because there is going to be more time, more energy.
• 10:08
  SPEAKER_00: You get to ask, what do I want and how am I going to get it?
• 10:12
  SPEAKER_00: And this is a question you might not have asked yourself in a while, maybe not really ever.
• 10:17
  SPEAKER_00: And the possibilities really are endless and they really are in your control.
• 10:22
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, it's going to be hard, yes, there's going to be less, but there's also going to be more.
• 10:26
  SPEAKER_00: And if this is a question that you haven't really asked yourself before, or you haven't asked it in a really long time, what do I want?
• 10:35
  SPEAKER_00: How am I going to get it?
• 10:37
  SPEAKER_00: This is where a coach or a therapist can be invaluable because you might not even know what you want, let alone how to get it.
• 10:44
  SPEAKER_00: But you do get to start over and you get to hold the pen and write the next chapter.
• 10:49
  SPEAKER_00: So while there's less, there's also more.
• 12:44
  SPEAKER_00: Freedom and the freedom to spend it however you choose, whether that be sleeping, Netflix, binging on the couch all weekend, hiking, traveling, dancing, adventuring, exploring, expanding, deepening, learning new things, whatever it is.
• 13:00
  SPEAKER_00: You have newfound freedom to spend your time however you choose.
• 13:06
  SPEAKER_00: There's no one to say no, no one to hold your back, only yourself.
• 13:10
  SPEAKER_00: And even when your kids are with you, you have the freedom to choose.
• 13:14
  SPEAKER_00: You have the freedom to choose exactly how you want to parent them.
• 13:19
  SPEAKER_00: You have the freedom to declare a total no rules day or pizza for breakfast or whatever it is, even the normal day-to-day stuff.
• 13:28
  SPEAKER_00: You get to choose.
• 13:29
  SPEAKER_00: You don't have to compromise, you don't have to um, you don't have to negotiate, you get to choose.
• 13:36
  SPEAKER_00: So welcome to the freedom of choosing for yourself.
• 13:42
  SPEAKER_00: Another reason why I believe you'll be perfectly okay after divorce is you get to learn who you really are.
• 13:51
  SPEAKER_00: You get to learn about you and who you really are.
• 13:56
  SPEAKER_00: And sure, you might feel lost and lonely and without an anchor soon after your separation or without your partner at first, even if this is something you chose for yourself or you wanted, or you know, it it's the right path for you.
• 14:13
  SPEAKER_00: But now you get to feel that part of yourself that was previously filled by a partner, by a relationship, the space of the space of you that's been taken up with the marriage, with the relationship with the partner, you get to fill that part of yourself with whatever you want, with whatever you want.
• 14:35
  SPEAKER_00: And it's an opportunity to ask another question, and that is who am I?
• 14:40
  SPEAKER_00: Who am I and how did I become who I am?
• 14:44
  SPEAKER_00: And is that who I really want to be?
• 14:47
  SPEAKER_00: It's really natural to um to question who you are and how did I get here as you step out of a relationship, a long-term relationship, or a marriage.
• 14:57
  SPEAKER_00: It's really common and natural to question that.
• 15:01
  SPEAKER_00: We do change over time when we're in relation with another relationship with another human.
• 15:05
  SPEAKER_00: We accommodate and we meld to make the marriage work, and we can lose a little bit of ourselves.
• 15:11
  SPEAKER_00: And maybe you're not or you've not been the person that you really want to be.
• 15:17
  SPEAKER_00: So this is a great time, this is a great opportunity to remember who you are, to redefine who you want to be and how you want to show up in the world.
• 15:28
  SPEAKER_00: You know, it maybe you've lost yourself in the relationship in really small ways, maybe no longer listening to your favorite music because your partner hated it, or rarely eating seafood or mushrooms because they were allergic, or maybe your losing of yourself was bigger and more profound.
• 15:46
  SPEAKER_00: Or maybe you coupled up, maybe you got married before you even had a chance to figure out who you really were.
• 15:54
  SPEAKER_00: So, whatever your story, now is the perfect opportunity to rediscover yourself or find yourself, even if it's for the first time.
• 16:02
  SPEAKER_00: Learn what you like, develop your own opinions and thoughts, ideas, beliefs, trust in your own uh intuition, your judgment, get to know yourself, figure out you because all of this helps you find more peace in your heart, in your soul, in your mind, and in your life.
• 16:20
  SPEAKER_00: It's a chance to reconnect, really reconnect with yourself.
• 16:25
  SPEAKER_00: And perhaps all of this feels a really, really long way away from where you are right now, but it will come, it will come gradually if you treat yourself well, if you be kind and gracious with yourself, if you be good to yourself and honor yourself and listen to yourself and trust yourself.
• 16:43
  SPEAKER_00: So, what have you missed about you?
• 16:47
  SPEAKER_00: What have you missed about yourself while you were in this relationship in this marriage?
• 16:53
  SPEAKER_00: Reclaim that for yourself, reinvigorate it, learn something new, become a new version of yourself, but find out who you really are.
• 17:05
  SPEAKER_00: It's one of the great gifts of stepping out of a long-term relationship.
• 17:09
  SPEAKER_00: You get to reclaim and reconnect and really become more of who you are and who you want to be.
• 17:16
  SPEAKER_00: Another reason why you'll be okay after divorce is that love really is better after divorce.
• 17:25
  SPEAKER_00: While I don't suggest you rush into another relationship, I do suggest that you take your time.
• 17:33
  SPEAKER_00: Take your time and really get to know yourself, like I just said, and reconnect to yourself in your own time, in your own space without adding the complication of someone else's stories, someone else's experience, someone else's expectations.
• 17:48
  SPEAKER_00: Take your time and really get to know yourself.
• 17:51
  SPEAKER_00: Date yourself first.
• 17:52
  SPEAKER_00: And there's an upcoming episode, podcast episode, on exactly how to do this.
• 17:57
  SPEAKER_00: Because you might even find that you're just damn fine by yourself.
• 18:02
  SPEAKER_00: In fact, life is pretty spectacular on your own, just you, just as you are.
• 18:07
  SPEAKER_00: That you really you might find that you really, really like being on your own and being exactly who you want to be without having to fit or compromise someone else's hopes, dreams, plans, expectations, stories, baggage into your life.
• 18:24
  SPEAKER_00: So use this as a chance to really love and date yourself.
• 18:31
  SPEAKER_00: Really love and date yourself.
• 18:33
  SPEAKER_00: Treat yourself as you would a new a new exciting fresh partner.
• 18:41
  SPEAKER_00: Really love and date yourself.
• 18:44
  SPEAKER_00: And of course, when you go next level, when you go deep, when you heal, when you do the work, know that love really is better after after divorce.
• 18:54
  SPEAKER_00: And sure, at first you might be scared, but one thing is for sure.
• 19:00
  SPEAKER_00: As you move through a separation, as you navigate a divorce, you will learn so much about who you are, what you want, what you don't want, what you need, how to communicate that, and to never ever ever ever settle.
• 19:13
  SPEAKER_00: There's also a podcast episode on green flags in relationships.
• 19:17
  SPEAKER_00: So if you're at the point where you're thinking about dating, go and have a listen to that one.
• 19:21
  SPEAKER_00: But love really is better once you've done the work, once you've moved through and done the healing.
• 19:28
  SPEAKER_00: And of course, sex.
• 19:30
  SPEAKER_00: Now is the time, now is the perfect time to learn what you really like and really enjoy exploring your sexuality.
• 19:38
  SPEAKER_00: Yep, solo and then with partner, but without judgment or inhibitions or stories or expectations.
• 19:45
  SPEAKER_00: You actually get to reinvent your sexual self.
• 19:48
  SPEAKER_00: When you really deeply know yourself, when you do the work, when you do the healing, when you understand your preferences, you release your inhibitions, the conditioning the stories, spending time alone discovering exactly what you like, then sex is way better, way better.
• 20:05
  SPEAKER_00: Another reason you'll be okay after divorce, you will learn new things, and that will build confidence.
• 20:15
  SPEAKER_00: You'll learn new things, and competence breeds confidence.
• 20:18
  SPEAKER_00: You'll learn new things, some of them you probably wish you didn't have to learn, but you might choose to learn things that you've always wanted to learn.
• 20:27
  SPEAKER_00: It might be how to catch a spider, watercolour painting, open water or ocean swimming, lawn mowing, burlesque dancing, how to negotiate with a car dealer or a real estate agent for your best deal.
• 20:42
  SPEAKER_00: And these are actual true stories from my community, all of them.
• 20:46
  SPEAKER_00: You will learn new things, and that and in the doing and the learning of the new things, mastering those things, you will build confidence.
• 20:55
  SPEAKER_00: When you're forced to tackle or you choose to tackle and learn new things, your confidence skyrockets, and you realize just how competent and wonderful you are, and that you can do hard things.
• 21:09
  SPEAKER_00: And another part of this is after divorce, after separation, living solo, it's all on you, and that you can take that in a really negative way, a worry me, it's all on me way, or you can flip it to the positive.
• 21:24
  SPEAKER_00: It's all on you.
• 21:26
  SPEAKER_00: Exactly what you want gets done in exactly the way you want it done.
• 21:30
  SPEAKER_00: There's no waiting, there's no hoping, there's no expectation, and no letdown if it's not done, no resentment or disappointment because it doesn't get done or when it's done half heartedly.
• 21:40
  SPEAKER_00: It's done and done exactly the way you want it to be done.
• 21:46
  SPEAKER_00: Something really unexpected happens when you step out of a long term relationship or a marriage when you're alone, and that is you do gain a lot of confidence.
• 21:56
  SPEAKER_00: It doesn't come overnight, it comes gradually, but out of necessity.
• 22:00
  SPEAKER_00: You start doing those things, catching spiders that you didn't think you were able to do, or maybe you forgot that you could do.
• 22:07
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe it's catching spiders, maybe it's investing cash in the stock market, whatever, whatever the thing for you is.
• 22:15
  SPEAKER_00: But by necessity and also by choice, you start stepping outside of your usual habits, your usual routines, those roles that you both played within the relationship, and you and you start to do new things.
• 22:31
  SPEAKER_00: And when you do, you might start surprising yourself.
• 22:35
  SPEAKER_00: You will absolutely start to feel more capable, you will gradually feel less fearful of fucking it up or failing.
• 22:41
  SPEAKER_00: You will feel bolder, braver, more confident.
• 22:44
  SPEAKER_00: As I said, it's not going to come straight away, but it comes incrementally.
• 22:48
  SPEAKER_00: And all of a sudden, you look at yourself and go, Man, look at me go.
• 22:53
  SPEAKER_00: More confidence means you'll also be more willing to say yes, more willing to take risks, to do the hard things, to take on challenges and tackle things that maybe you never would have while still in relationship.
• 23:07
  SPEAKER_00: And you might realize that you've been underestimating or selling yourself short for a really, really long time.
• 23:15
  SPEAKER_00: And this isn't just good for you.
• 23:17
  SPEAKER_00: It's really powerful for your kids if you have kids.
• 23:20
  SPEAKER_00: It's really powerful for your kids to see.
• 23:22
  SPEAKER_00: It's great learning for your kids to see you stretch, to do the hard things, to reach beyond your limits and do stuff that you didn't think was possible for you to do.
• 23:33
  SPEAKER_00: And it might just inspire or encourage or empower them to do the same.
• 23:38
  SPEAKER_00: Now, speaking of kids, if you have kids, one of your big reasons for staying, one of your big fears about separation and divorce is likely to be your kids.
• 23:50
  SPEAKER_00: How will divorce affect my kids?
• 23:52
  SPEAKER_00: And again, there's another podcast episode on what your kids need, really need when you're going through divorce.
• 23:59
  SPEAKER_00: So what I want to say here is happy parents make happy children.
• 24:04
  SPEAKER_00: Happy parents make happy children, happy children.
• 24:07
  SPEAKER_00: Kids need love, they need security, they need certainty to know you're there, to know that they can rely on you, all the things.
• 24:15
  SPEAKER_00: And the parent who is delivering, who is best at delivering love, support, security, is one who is not in an unhappy or toxic or dysfunctional relationship.
• 24:27
  SPEAKER_00: The parent who isn't self-sabotaging to stay in a relationship that doesn't meet your needs.
• 24:33
  SPEAKER_00: The parent who isn't keeping themselves small, who isn't pushing their dreams and hopes down to stay in a relationship that doesn't meet them.
• 24:44
  SPEAKER_00: And kids also only need one functional parent to be okay.
• 24:50
  SPEAKER_00: And that's not just me rabbiting on here, that is researched.
• 24:54
  SPEAKER_00: Kids are fine so long as they have at least one semi-functioning parent.
• 25:02
  SPEAKER_00: So your kids will actually be fine.
• 25:04
  SPEAKER_00: In fact, they will thrive as long as you do.
• 25:08
  SPEAKER_00: So happy, happy parents make happy kids.
• 25:11
  SPEAKER_00: Another reason you'll be okay after divorce is around friendships and loneliness.
• 25:20
  SPEAKER_00: You will actually find out who your friends are, and you'll make a few more along the way.
• 25:26
  SPEAKER_00: So chances are there will be some shedding.
• 25:29
  SPEAKER_00: You might lose a few shared friends in the divorce, and surprisingly, you might lose friends that you thought were rock solid.
• 25:36
  SPEAKER_00: Others might also drop off, and often invites from married or coupled friends tend to dry up.
• 25:43
  SPEAKER_00: There is a certain amount of freezing out.
• 25:46
  SPEAKER_00: Again, there's another podcast episode on that.
• 25:48
  SPEAKER_00: There is a certain amount of freezing out that's really common after divorce.
• 25:53
  SPEAKER_00: So, yes, expect it, but here's the upside.
• 25:57
  SPEAKER_00: While there will be shedding, there will be attrition, there will also undoubtedly be deepening of existing friendships as well as new ones formed.
• 26:08
  SPEAKER_00: And often those new ones are with people who are experienced or experiencing or have experienced the same as what you're same or similar to what you're going through.
• 26:22
  SPEAKER_00: It is really likely that you'll pick up a bundle of new single mum or single dad friends, and there are even apps for exactly this.
• 26:29
  SPEAKER_00: So being alone, choosing a solo path, choosing to step out of a relationship or a marriage does not mean you have to be lonely.
• 26:39
  SPEAKER_00: One of the things that holds us as connected, soulful humans in a relationship that isn't working, that isn't lighting up, lighting us up, is the deep-seated and sometimes unacknowledged fear of being alone.
• 26:53
  SPEAKER_00: Fear that we will be left, fear that we will be never chosen again, fear that we'll be alone.
• 26:58
  SPEAKER_00: And here's the thing about that for many of us, and maybe for you, maybe for you too, you've been actually alone for a really, really long time.
• 27:10
  SPEAKER_00: While being in a relationship or in a marriage gives you security, it can be hell lonely if it's not a happy, functional relationship.
• 27:20
  SPEAKER_00: And women take on average seven years to leave.
• 27:24
  SPEAKER_00: Seven years.
• 27:25
  SPEAKER_00: That's a damn long time to be alone within your relationship.
• 27:31
  SPEAKER_00: And staying, choosing to stay, allows us to lie to ourselves about how alone we really are or we really feel.
• 27:40
  SPEAKER_00: So if you're staring down that barrel and feeling dread of being without a partner after divorce, even if you don't want to be with the one you currently have, know that it's perfectly normal.
• 27:55
  SPEAKER_00: And also know that being alone does not have to mean lonely.
• 28:00
  SPEAKER_00: So think about how lonely you actually feel within the container that where you're sitting right now, and how different that could look.
• 28:10
  SPEAKER_00: Stepping out, separating, divorcing means you get to go find your people.
• 28:15
  SPEAKER_00: Go and hang out where they hang out.
• 28:17
  SPEAKER_00: Do the things that light you up, that light you up, not always by yourself.
• 28:22
  SPEAKER_00: Do it in community, do it in company, do it in public, and you will find, you will find new friends, you will make new connections.
• 28:32
  SPEAKER_00: So if you feel alone, it's start time, it's time to start really looking for your people, finding them, hanging out where they hang out, doing things that light you up.
• 28:42
  SPEAKER_00: Say yes to that scary thing, build your confidence muscle, get involved in things, volunteering, choose a class, a meetup group, even professional networking groups, whatever it is for you.
• 28:54
  SPEAKER_00: Get out there, do things, find your people and hang out where they hang out.
• 28:59
  SPEAKER_00: Your people are waiting for you, and so is the next chapter of your life.
• 29:05
  SPEAKER_00: We've already spoken about stepping outside your comfort zone, trying new things, but there's another really powerful and in fact pretty great outcome of divorce, and that is that your true growth, your expansion into who you most want to be, and your healing can finally begin.
• 29:27
  SPEAKER_00: There is a lot said about relational healing and attachment theory, here attachment wounding, being healed within relationship.
• 29:36
  SPEAKER_00: And yes, there is truth to that, but sometimes we need to step out of a relationship to allow that true growth, that true expansion and healing to really, really begin.
• 29:49
  SPEAKER_00: When you don't have to focus on nurturing a dying or challenging relationship, you actually get to redirect all of that energy, time, attention, and focus, as I said earlier, to you and your own growth and healing.
• 30:04
  SPEAKER_00: So doing the work, going deep, healing your wounds, rewriting your stories, getting underneath the conditioning and the expectations, owning your part of the relationship breakdown and the divorce, looking at your shadow, owning and healing your shit.
• 30:22
  SPEAKER_00: It's not always fun.
• 30:23
  SPEAKER_00: It's not always fun, but it's cathartic and it's well, it's healing.
• 30:29
  SPEAKER_00: It empowers and enables you to choose differently for yourself.
• 30:33
  SPEAKER_00: It makes you into a better version of yourself.
• 30:36
  SPEAKER_00: It makes you a better parent, it makes you a better friend, a better lover, a better partner if that's what you choose in your future.
• 30:43
  SPEAKER_00: The only way forward and the real gift of divorce and why you will be okay is you get to look, you do get to look inward and you get to uncover all of the things that have been holding you here, holding you back.
• 30:56
  SPEAKER_00: Old wounds, old stories, limiting beliefs, misconceptions, and you get to release yourself from all of them.
• 31:03
  SPEAKER_00: Now, often these things, these wounds and stories and conditionings run really, really deep.
• 31:08
  SPEAKER_00: So unraveling them and dismantling them is really activating, it really rips into your soul and your foundation, and that hurts a lot.
• 31:20
  SPEAKER_00: So please seek the support that you need to do this work.
• 31:25
  SPEAKER_00: But know that once you've done the work, once you've unpacked and healed, you get to rebuild, and that I reckon is one of the greatest gifts of divorce.
• 31:35
  SPEAKER_00: But the real reason, the real reason you'll be okay after divorce, the real reason is you.
• 31:44
  SPEAKER_00: Because if you're sitting in a relationship that doesn't light you up, the real reason it isn't him, it isn't her, it's not your partner.
• 31:55
  SPEAKER_00: The real reason your relationship doesn't light you up is you.
• 32:03
  SPEAKER_00: I know that all the reasons and stories will come up in your in your mind when I say this to you, all the reasons why you can't be the problem.
• 32:11
  SPEAKER_00: I know you'll come at me with all the reasons why you can't leave.
• 32:14
  SPEAKER_00: You can't be the problem, you can't leave.
• 32:17
  SPEAKER_00: Or why your hopes, your dreams, your plans for the future, for the life and the love and the relationship you want isn't possible, isn't realistic.
• 32:24
  SPEAKER_00: You'll tell me X, you'll tell me Y, you'll tell me Z.
• 32:27
  SPEAKER_00: You're probably telling yourself that in your head already.
• 32:29
  SPEAKER_00: And why it would work for someone else, but it won't work or be possible for you.
• 32:33
  SPEAKER_00: But I'm not I'm not going to buy into that story that you're telling yourself.
• 32:38
  SPEAKER_00: And and I'm not going to accept those limitations you're putting on yourself.
• 32:43
  SPEAKER_00: As a coach, I'm not here to agree with you.
• 32:46
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not here to accept that this where you are right now is all there is for you.
• 32:50
  SPEAKER_00: And let's face it, if you're sitting here or walking or doing whatever you're doing, if you're listening to this, neither really are you.
• 32:58
  SPEAKER_00: Because you know, deep down, you know that you want or you're and you're worthy of more.
• 33:03
  SPEAKER_00: But if you're feeling like you're stuck or frozen, like the deer in the headlights, or you're just feeling wobbly and uncertain or afraid, if you're asking the questions, if you're wondering whether you'll have the courage to do the work, to go deep, know that finding the right support is invaluable.
• 33:24
  SPEAKER_00: So if you're feeling a little uncertain or shaky or afraid, that's okay.
• 33:28
  SPEAKER_00: You get to borrow some of my courage.
• 33:30
  SPEAKER_00: You get to borrow some of my belief in you.
• 33:32
  SPEAKER_00: You get to borrow some of my courage and my confidence in you being able to create the future for yourself that you most want.
• 33:42
  SPEAKER_00: Yep, I will be your cheerleader, your supporter, your guide, your coach, sitting in the sidecar, cheering you're on, your wingwoman through the messy mess of whatever you're going through right now until you build that clarity, you build that confidence.
• 33:58
  SPEAKER_00: Because if you're here listening, you know you're worthy of more.
• 34:04
  SPEAKER_00: You know that you're worth more than just mediocre.
• 34:08
  SPEAKER_00: So the real reason that you will be okay if you choose separation, if you choose divorce, the real reason is you.
• 34:16
  SPEAKER_00: What's the story you're telling yourself?
• 34:19
  SPEAKER_00: What's the story you're telling yourself about why you can or why you can't?
• 34:23
  SPEAKER_00: What's the real reason?
• 34:25
  SPEAKER_00: Let's get clear on that.
• 34:27
  SPEAKER_00: Get clear on that because that can be changed.
• 34:31
  SPEAKER_00: So lean into, lean into and welcome the you are energy and know that you will be okay after divorce if that is what you choose.
• 34:45
  SPEAKER_00: As always, there's a link in the show notes if you want to chat with me about how I can support you through your choosing and your separation and your divorce.
• 34:54
  SPEAKER_00: If you have a friend or a family member or someone you love and care about who needs to hear this, please, please share it with them so they can feel the love and support as well in their own choosing.
• 35:08
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you for being here until next time.
• 35:12
  SPEAKER_00: I'm Sally Ann Hartnell, Relationship Coach, and you've been listening to Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate.
• 35:18
  SPEAKER_00: You can follow me on Instagram at Reflect Coaching, and if you can think of anyone who would love this episode, please, please share it with them.
• 35:26
  SPEAKER_00: I'd also be so grateful if you'd follow the podcast and review this episode so we can get it in the ears of a whole lot more humans just like you who are ready to reclaim and liberate themselves in life and love.
• 35:38
  SPEAKER_00: I hope you'll join me next time for another episode of Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate.
• 35:44
  SPEAKER_00: Until then.