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How can I spot patterns of control? · Wellbeing Solutions - Ask A Counsellor

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: Spotting patterns of control in a relationship can be genuinely difficult, and that difficulty is not a reflection of your awareness or intelligence as coercive behaviour is designed to be subtle and it rarely starts obviously either.
• 0:16
  SPEAKER_00: Instead, it tends to build gradually with small things that on their own might seem manageable or even reasonable, but over time form a pattern that chips away at your freedom and sense of self.
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  SPEAKER_00: Now, one of the most important things to recognise is that control is rarely just about the big visible moments.
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  SPEAKER_00: It derives in patterns.
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  SPEAKER_00: Things like your movements being tracked or questioned, finances being managed without your input or agreement, being cut off from friends or family, having your phone or social media monitored, being put down in ways that leave you down yourself, or feeling like you're constantly walking on eggshells, trying to avoid upsetting someone.
• 0:55
  SPEAKER_00: Now in some relationships, control can show up as threats, including threats around children, housing, or being outed to others.
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  SPEAKER_00: And a useful way to check in with yourself is to notice not just what someone does but what they prevent you from doing.
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  SPEAKER_00: As often it's the things taken away, whether that's your time with people you love, access to money, or simply the freedom to make your own choices.
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  SPEAKER_00: Now, if any of this is resonating with you, a practical first step is just to start noticing, and if it's safe to do so, making note of specific incidents like what happened, when it happened, and how it made you feel, as this can help you see the pattern more clearly over time.
• 1:36
  SPEAKER_00: And reaching out to someone you trust is also worth considering, whether that's a friend, a family member, or a professional, as you don't have to have all the answers before you talk to someone.
• 1:47
  SPEAKER_00: Now for extra support, you can contact the National Domestic Abuse Helpline, which is free and confidential, and they're also available 24 hours a day.
• 1:56
  SPEAKER_00: You can also visit womensaid.org.uk for online resources and chat support.
• 2:03
  SPEAKER_00: And if you're a man experiencing coercive control, then the men's advice line is also available.
• 2:09
  SPEAKER_00: And you can refer back to the app's resources for further support around coercive behaviour and relationships.
• 2:14
  SPEAKER_00: And if you are thinking about harming yourself or feeling safe, then please seek urgent help by contacting your local emergency number or a crisis helpline.