Latest / Do You F*cking Mind? / 418. Tools for dealing with painful in-laws. (Headnoise)

Transcript

418. Tools for dealing with painful in-laws. (Headnoise) · Do You F*cking Mind?

0:12
Speaker 1: Hello, beautiful people, and welcome to the head Noise episode
0:16
Speaker 1: of today. So today we are focusing primarily on in
0:21
Speaker 1: laws in laws from Hell, and some of your titles
0:26
Speaker 1: for these listener questions are just fucking iconic. So I'm
0:31
Speaker 1: loving the creative titles when you send through the emails.
0:34
Speaker 1: Keep them coming. So also, the reason why we thought
0:39
Speaker 1: we'd do a specific in law episode is because well, A,
0:43
Speaker 1: we get a lot of questions about it, and B
0:46
Speaker 1: when we did the questions in the live show tour,
0:49
Speaker 1: so many of the questions that came through were related
0:52
Speaker 1: to dealing with in laws, sister in laws, parents in law,
0:57
Speaker 1: all kinds of in laws. Okay, so let's just dive
1:00
Speaker 1: straight into I can get as much content covered as possible. Okay,
1:07
Speaker 1: let's begin. Also obsessed already with the fucking title self
1:12
Speaker 1: appointed family CEO, not even family, Hi, Alexis, how do
1:18
Speaker 1: I tell my brother's girlfriend that she's overstepping without blowing
1:23
Speaker 1: up my relationship with him? She's been around less than
1:26
Speaker 1: two years and has appointed herself family CEO. Her first
1:30
Speaker 1: Christmas with us still the new girlfriend, she got the
1:33
Speaker 1: entire holiday rescheduled to fit her schedule. My Auntie even
1:37
Speaker 1: cut a trip short. We did this for the sake
1:40
Speaker 1: of my brother, but it was weird. She was so
1:42
Speaker 1: insistent that we did But it was weird. She was
1:45
Speaker 1: so insistent that we did this. This year, she planned
1:48
Speaker 1: Mother's Day for my own mum without asking me or
1:52
Speaker 1: my siblings. My siblings and I usually planned this together,
1:55
Speaker 1: but she just texted us the time, place, and what
1:57
Speaker 1: gift to bring. I called her and calmly express that
2:00
Speaker 1: I felt disrespected and I wanted to be included. But
2:03
Speaker 1: she kept doing the same thing. She posts constant photos
2:06
Speaker 1: of my family, like wear hers, cover photos, profile photos
2:09
Speaker 1: with us, everything. Even my friends say it's weird, how
2:12
Speaker 1: obsessed she seems. She cracks sex jokes to my dad
2:15
Speaker 1: and tries to lead sibling nights without including my husband.
2:19
Speaker 1: She thinks she is blood. I'm fed up? How do
2:21
Speaker 1: I call this out without becoming the villain? Okay, first,
2:25
Speaker 1: let I want to target each individual thing that you
2:28
Speaker 1: are talking about, and then we can kind of talk
2:30
Speaker 1: about it more broadly. So I want to target the
2:33
Speaker 1: easiest one here, and that is the Mother's Day thing.
2:36
Speaker 1: This is so easy to overcome. You said, she planned
2:40
Speaker 1: Mother's Day for my own mum without asking the moments.
2:43
Speaker 1: If I always planned Mother's Day for my mum and
2:45
Speaker 1: I had ideas in my head and someone else sends
2:48
Speaker 1: out a text saying, hey, this is what we're doing
2:50
Speaker 1: for Mother's Day, I would just pick up the phone
2:52
Speaker 1: and call say, I really appreciate you putting in the effort.
2:55
Speaker 1: However it's done. I'm organizing it. We are organizing it.
2:58
Speaker 1: So you know, given that you hadn't called us and
3:01
Speaker 1: run past us, sorry for you wasting your time. But
3:04
Speaker 1: we organize this every year and this year is no different.
3:09
Speaker 1: Too bad, so sad because if she then wants to
3:11
Speaker 1: get offended, because like next time this rolls around, if
3:14
Speaker 1: she wants to get offended, you know that you had
3:17
Speaker 1: organized and what you know for Mother's Day and you
3:20
Speaker 1: hadn't whatever told her. If someone's organizing a Mother's Day
3:24
Speaker 1: for someone that's not their mother, it is their problem
3:27
Speaker 1: if something else has already been organized, So you need
3:29
Speaker 1: to You need to have a bit of a spine here.
3:31
Speaker 1: It sounds like you have no spine. Sounds like your
3:34
Speaker 1: entire family has no spine right now. And this is
3:36
Speaker 1: relatively an easy fix. So Number one, I would pick
3:39
Speaker 1: up the phone and say babe, appreciate the effort. However
3:41
Speaker 1: it's done. I've organized something, and then you need to
3:44
Speaker 1: snap your fucking fingers together and organize something because you
3:48
Speaker 1: already hadn't organized something. She beat you to the pol
3:51
Speaker 1: So that's your problem. You need to get on top
3:55
Speaker 1: of things and make sure that you're organizing it. You've
3:58
Speaker 1: you know, Otherwise, if you're to rest sit on your laurels,
4:01
Speaker 1: she's probably gonna think, well, I might as well organize
4:03
Speaker 1: something because no one else has. Okay, So that one's
4:05
Speaker 1: an easy one. You just say sorry, baby, it's covered now.
4:08
Speaker 1: There are harder things here, as far as her putting
4:11
Speaker 1: the family in the profile photos and everything. I don't
4:14
Speaker 1: think there's anything that can be done about that because
4:16
Speaker 1: that's a slippery slope. You can't really say. I mean,
4:19
Speaker 1: you could say I don't want to be in your photos,
4:22
Speaker 1: but then that's I don't know if you ever want
4:25
Speaker 1: to go there, because I don't think that's too much
4:26
Speaker 1: of a problem. Another thing that you could do is, yeah,
4:31
Speaker 1: the photos thing, I would just leave it. I think
4:32
Speaker 1: it wouldn't affect you that much, the fact that she's
4:34
Speaker 1: got you in her profile photo. If it wasn't for
4:40
Speaker 1: you know the fact that she's doing all these other
4:41
Speaker 1: annoying things as well. Now the Christmas thing, this is
4:48
Speaker 1: what I would do in the Christmas situation. You said
4:51
Speaker 1: that she managed to get her entire your entire family
4:53
Speaker 1: to reschedule and for your auntie to whatever. Why is it?
4:58
Speaker 1: Why do you think your family resk Why do you
5:00
Speaker 1: think your family when I did this? Because when it
5:03
Speaker 1: comes to I don't know how your family operates. Every
5:05
Speaker 1: family is different. When it comes to my family, not
5:10
Speaker 1: one individual family member is more important than the other.
5:13
Speaker 1: And what I mean by that is that if we
5:16
Speaker 1: have an event that we're planning, it's kind of as
5:20
Speaker 1: long as most people can make it, so be it.
5:23
Speaker 1: Because we're a big enough family that it's very unlikely
5:26
Speaker 1: that every single person is going to be able to
5:28
Speaker 1: make it. Okay, So, having said that, if we were
5:30
Speaker 1: all doing a Christmas and one person wouldn't be able
5:33
Speaker 1: to make it, we're not expecting someone else to then
5:37
Speaker 1: not be able to make it, so then this person
5:38
Speaker 1: can make it. So your auntie had to change plans
5:41
Speaker 1: so your brother could make it. If that makes sense,
5:43
Speaker 1: do you know what I mean? It's kind of like,
5:45
Speaker 1: why is your family bowing down so your brother can
5:49
Speaker 1: be when it's Christmas. It's like you're either available for
5:52
Speaker 1: Christmas or you're not available for Christmas. Like there's no
5:54
Speaker 1: bad blood, but you either can make it or you can't.
5:57
Speaker 1: Like if I turned around and said to my family,
5:59
Speaker 1: guyslves sorry, I can't make it to Christmas. However, if
6:01
Speaker 1: you all change your plans and we did it a
6:04
Speaker 1: week later, then I could. My family would be like,
6:07
Speaker 1: alexis pull your fucking head in no, Like, we're going
6:12
Speaker 1: to miss you so much. See your next family gathering,
6:15
Speaker 1: do you know what I mean? Like, it's kind of like,
6:17
Speaker 1: why is everyone catering so badly to your brother? Why
6:20
Speaker 1: is he? What is so so? Why you know? So
6:25
Speaker 1: if it's not the case and the family just again
6:28
Speaker 1: hadn't organized something, so thought, well, she's gone and organized something,
6:32
Speaker 1: so we might as well. Like what I'm saying here
6:34
Speaker 1: is that no one's organizing shit and she's going and
6:37
Speaker 1: organizing it. Because there's no way in hell that an
6:41
Speaker 1: in law, any of my cousin's partners, my siblings, my siblings, partner,
6:46
Speaker 1: my partner is going to be organizing my family Christmas.
6:49
Speaker 1: Why hasn't your family already organized it. I just feel
6:52
Speaker 1: that maybe she's like, well, nothing's been organized, and I
6:55
Speaker 1: feel like she's obviously loves your family, so she's probably like,
6:59
Speaker 1: this family so close, this family is so cool. I'm
7:02
Speaker 1: going to organize something cool so we can. Like, if
7:04
Speaker 1: you guys already had a plan, none of the shit
7:07
Speaker 1: would be happening. You need to get on top of it,
7:09
Speaker 1: is what I'm saying. Because if she's pissing you off,
7:11
Speaker 1: you are allowing it. You're literally giving it to her
7:15
Speaker 1: on a platter. You're saying we're fucking unorganized. She jumps
7:18
Speaker 1: to it, and what's the rest of your family doing?
7:20
Speaker 1: Oh yeah, yeah, well we'll fold, we'll do whatever, because
7:24
Speaker 1: at least someone's organizing it. Like, a lot of people
7:26
Speaker 1: don't like organizing things. For example, I'm a shit organizer,
7:30
Speaker 1: so when my girlfriends all get together to do something,
7:33
Speaker 1: I will never complain about what the plan is or
7:35
Speaker 1: the date because someone else has gone through the trouble
7:38
Speaker 1: of organizing it. So who am I to stand up
7:40
Speaker 1: and say no, thank you very much when I've not
7:44
Speaker 1: assisted in the organizing right. It is like beggars can't
7:46
Speaker 1: be choosers. So if you want a different plan. You
7:51
Speaker 1: have to organize it, or you have to pull your
7:53
Speaker 1: family aside and say I don't like what happened last Christmas.
7:56
Speaker 1: Partially it's on us. A big portion of that is
7:59
Speaker 1: our fault because we were unprepared and the only person
8:03
Speaker 1: that came with the plan happened to be this self
8:05
Speaker 1: appointed family CEO. But no one else in this family
8:08
Speaker 1: is appointing themselves a CEO. So unfortunately, it is gonna
8:13
Speaker 1: be her way unless someone else wants to take the reins.
8:16
Speaker 1: So unless someone wants to step up and do the
8:19
Speaker 1: job that she's offering to do for free, the same
8:23
Speaker 1: shit is going to keep happening. Okay, So that's a
8:26
Speaker 1: choice you have to make. You whether are organized and
8:28
Speaker 1: it doesn't happen again, or you're not organized and the
8:32
Speaker 1: rest of the family is going to be like, yeah, cool,
8:34
Speaker 1: someone else is fucking doing the heavy lifting. We'll just
8:36
Speaker 1: roll with it. Okay. Now, your aunt even cut her
8:40
Speaker 1: trip short again because she wasn't organizing the fucking trip.
8:44
Speaker 1: Now the siblings night again, That's that's a simple one.
8:50
Speaker 1: I think if someone was organizing, let's say my sister's
8:53
Speaker 1: partner was organizing a siblings night and it was just
8:56
Speaker 1: for the siblings, but they were going to be there.
8:58
Speaker 1: I would literally just text or say is this in
9:02
Speaker 1: laws invited or not? Are you going to be there
9:04
Speaker 1: so then the rest of the in laws come? Or
9:06
Speaker 1: are you just planning something for us? And then you're
9:08
Speaker 1: not going to be there? That's that's not a difficult question.
9:13
Speaker 1: And if she says, oh, no, it's just me and
9:15
Speaker 1: you guys, then I would say why, how hard is that?
9:21
Speaker 1: You're you're you're you're creating a storm in a cup,
9:24
Speaker 1: or you're drowning in a glass of water, whatever the
9:27
Speaker 1: saying is. I think you are over complicating the interactions
9:31
Speaker 1: that have to happen. If you want all the in
9:36
Speaker 1: laws off the siblings not to be invited, speak up again,
9:41
Speaker 1: she's organizing it. Like at the end of the day,
9:47
Speaker 1: if someone's organizing something, they can invite and not invite
9:51
Speaker 1: whoever the fuck they want. It's everyone else's problem if
9:54
Speaker 1: they choose to rock up. No one's held a gun
9:56
Speaker 1: to your family's head saying you've got to be at
9:58
Speaker 1: her organized family Christmas, Noah wants held a gune to
10:01
Speaker 1: your family's head saying you've got to be at her
10:03
Speaker 1: organized mother She's organized the mother's to day lunch, She's
10:05
Speaker 1: organized the fucking family Christmas. She's organizing a siblings night
10:08
Speaker 1: where okay, she should have invited the in laws, but
10:10
Speaker 1: she didn't. But what I'm hearing is, you guys are
10:12
Speaker 1: fucking chilling and she loves organizing events. So you either
10:16
Speaker 1: go to the event, suck it up. You don't go
10:19
Speaker 1: to the event and deal with the fact that other
10:21
Speaker 1: people might be going, well, you organize your own event
10:24
Speaker 1: and then she can't then organize it on your behalf.
10:27
Speaker 1: It's simple. She's just trying to heavily involve herself in
10:32
Speaker 1: the family because maybe she doesn't have that connection with
10:36
Speaker 1: her own family. Maybe that's what she's craved. If you
10:38
Speaker 1: feel like she's overstepping the mark, you've got to ask yourself,
10:42
Speaker 1: why do I feel this? Why do I feel like
10:44
Speaker 1: she's so heavy? And don't get me wrong, I can
10:47
Speaker 1: see that it can be annoying, but there's a huge
10:50
Speaker 1: allowing going on here as well. You have to step
10:54
Speaker 1: up or allow her to just be the fucking event
10:57
Speaker 1: organizer moving forward for the family. You can't have both.
11:01
Speaker 1: You can't say I don't want you organizing anything, but
11:03
Speaker 1: then not have an alternative organized, because then she's just
11:06
Speaker 1: going to turn to the rest of the family and
11:08
Speaker 1: be like, well, if you guys want to fucking come,
11:10
Speaker 1: I've organized this thing, and your family is glad to
11:13
Speaker 1: be there by the looks of it. So I think
11:15
Speaker 1: you either need to replace her as family CEO and
11:18
Speaker 1: become a good organizer, or you're gonna have to put
11:20
Speaker 1: up with it. Unfortunately, as far as this cracking sex
11:24
Speaker 1: jokes to your dad, I don't think that's your problem.
11:27
Speaker 1: I think if your father has a problem, he can
11:28
Speaker 1: put a stop to it, or he can pull your
11:30
Speaker 1: brother aside and say, listen, I know she's joking, but
11:33
Speaker 1: you need to have words with her because I think
11:34
Speaker 1: that's inappropriate. That's not your problem though. I just think that, yeah,
11:42
Speaker 1: there's not too much that you have to call out.
11:44
Speaker 1: You just have to change your behavior. And the only
11:46
Speaker 1: thing that I would actually physically that would actually be
11:48
Speaker 1: calling out is why want the other in laws invited
11:50
Speaker 1: to Siblings Night? If you're going to be there, that's it, right. Yeah,
11:55
Speaker 1: hopefully that helps because I want you to feel empowered
11:58
Speaker 1: by this, and I think that you can take back
11:59
Speaker 1: a lot off the power just by taking more action.
12:02
Speaker 1: That's all you have to do. Sense Sense now, next question.
12:13
Speaker 1: So the title is hellish in Laws, It's not Heaven
12:18
Speaker 1: in Devon. Great fucking name. Hi alexis massive UK fan here.
12:23
Speaker 1: I've been listening for about three years now and watched
12:25
Speaker 1: my life change for the better in that time, so
12:27
Speaker 1: thank you. I'm writing an advice for how to handle
12:30
Speaker 1: a situation with my in laws. My partner is one
12:32
Speaker 1: of four brothers and has always been the one who's
12:35
Speaker 1: been picked at and criticized, always the butt of the joke,
12:39
Speaker 1: particularly by his parents. We've been in an amazing, healthy
12:44
Speaker 1: relationship for four years now, but slowly their behavior has
12:47
Speaker 1: started expanding onto me. They make comments saying I'm underweight,
12:51
Speaker 1: have made comments about the food I make, how we
12:54
Speaker 1: handle our finances, the cleanliness of our house where we live,
12:58
Speaker 1: even how we look after our animals. They tear into
13:01
Speaker 1: the most minuscule things. I've recently started going to the
13:03
Speaker 1: gym before work, so this is the most recent thing
13:06
Speaker 1: that they're slating. In group settings, they often cut us
13:10
Speaker 1: off short or shut us down in conversations. They've introduced
13:14
Speaker 1: us to their friends before and made jokes about our
13:16
Speaker 1: financial position and careers. Slash future career aspirations for context.
13:21
Speaker 1: My partner and I are both twenty nine, have recently
13:23
Speaker 1: bought our first home. They are sixty, retired, wealthy, and
13:27
Speaker 1: everyone in their friendship group is in the same position.
13:29
Speaker 1: I've spoken to my partner about how I feel, and
13:32
Speaker 1: he's very understanding. He defends me in these situations when
13:35
Speaker 1: they arise, but I hate causing a scene so often
13:37
Speaker 1: try and move the conversation on as quickly as possible
13:40
Speaker 1: to avoid any awkwardness. I've gotten to the point where
13:43
Speaker 1: I dread seeing them, but I don't want to bring
13:45
Speaker 1: up the issue because I don't want them to feel
13:47
Speaker 1: like they're treading on eggshells around me or label me
13:51
Speaker 1: as too sensitive, as they have done with others. But
13:54
Speaker 1: my self esteem takes a massive hit when I've been
13:56
Speaker 1: in their company. So I'm looking for advice on handling
13:59
Speaker 1: the situation. Would we bring this up directly with them,
14:01
Speaker 1: and if so, how If there are any tips on
14:04
Speaker 1: how to stick up for myself and my partner, that
14:06
Speaker 1: would be amazing. Thank you for any advice you can
14:08
Speaker 1: give me on this. From a devon UK bean love
14:14
Speaker 1: the question. Okay, firstly, let's address this part of the
14:20
Speaker 1: paragraph where you say, I don't want them to feel
14:24
Speaker 1: like they are trading on eggshells around me or label
14:28
Speaker 1: me as too sensitive, as they have done with others.
14:30
Speaker 1: So what I'm what I'm sensing here is that you
14:33
Speaker 1: don't you care about what they think of you, obviously,
14:38
Speaker 1: and that's not a bad thing. That's very natural because
14:41
Speaker 1: they are family, they are your in laws, and it's
14:43
Speaker 1: you know, it's to an extent, it is important to
14:46
Speaker 1: care what the people closest to you think if you
14:48
Speaker 1: because you want to have like a quite a nice,
14:51
Speaker 1: amicable relationship. However, you need to move part if you've
14:56
Speaker 1: already assessed like I think it's good to think, Okay,
14:58
Speaker 1: I care about what people think of me within reason,
15:01
Speaker 1: But what's that within reason? You know? Am I still
15:04
Speaker 1: behaving according to my own morals, to my own behavioral standards?
15:08
Speaker 1: Have I been rude? Like I would care if someone
15:11
Speaker 1: thought negative, negatively off me, if I acted out of character,
15:14
Speaker 1: because then I'd be mortified. I'm like, oh my god,
15:16
Speaker 1: I did something that was out of character and now
15:18
Speaker 1: this person has a negative opinion not realizing that that
15:20
Speaker 1: was out of character. And then yeah, I'd be kind
15:23
Speaker 1: of I'd have a turmoil in my head. But if
15:25
Speaker 1: I can really assess my behavior and say this is
15:28
Speaker 1: true to my character, this is true to my beliefs,
15:30
Speaker 1: who I am? You know, I feel like I was respectful.
15:33
Speaker 1: I feel like I would you know, I would also
15:36
Speaker 1: agree if someone else behaved that way, I would see
15:38
Speaker 1: myself in them. Then I'm way less likely to care
15:42
Speaker 1: about what someone thinks after I've done that analysis of
15:45
Speaker 1: my behavior. Okay, and you standing up for yourself? If
15:49
Speaker 1: if I if me standing up for myself meant that
15:53
Speaker 1: someone labeled me is too sensitive, so be it. I
15:57
Speaker 1: don't consider myself to be too sensitive. But if that's
16:00
Speaker 1: someone's criteria for too sensitive, that's okay. It's not the
16:05
Speaker 1: end of the world that a sixty year old in
16:08
Speaker 1: law with rich friends thinks I'm too sensitive, Like I'll live,
16:12
Speaker 1: you know, and I think you need to move past that.
16:16
Speaker 1: You know, a lot of people are like you know,
16:18
Speaker 1: for example, your in laws. They will make these these
16:22
Speaker 1: sweeping statements if this person's too sensitive that like, they
16:24
Speaker 1: will let you know that they are. They can judge,
16:28
Speaker 1: They put labels on people, they do whatever, They let
16:30
Speaker 1: you know what their standard is. So that way you
16:34
Speaker 1: start to adhere to their standard because you don't want
16:36
Speaker 1: to fall into that category of people that they think
16:38
Speaker 1: are like, oh my god, lol, too sensitive. You can't
16:40
Speaker 1: take a joke if you want to, if you want
16:42
Speaker 1: to kind of play with the with the with the adults,
16:44
Speaker 1: you need to be able to take a joke. And
16:45
Speaker 1: you need to whatever they're doing that consciously or unconsciously
16:49
Speaker 1: to prime you to behave in a certain way around
16:51
Speaker 1: them so they can get away with what they want
16:53
Speaker 1: to say and it's not rude, it's just a joke
16:56
Speaker 1: and all this kind of stuff. Okay, I would turn
16:59
Speaker 1: the tables around and prep myself to genuinely be okay
17:04
Speaker 1: with being too sensitive. So what that entails is that
17:07
Speaker 1: when they do make these comments, I say something, so
17:11
Speaker 1: you don't necessarily have to pull them aside. You can,
17:14
Speaker 1: but you don't have to pull them aside and have
17:16
Speaker 1: a big conversation addressing everything at once. It might simply be.
17:21
Speaker 1: And what I would do prior to that big conversation
17:24
Speaker 1: would be to start to stand up for myself in
17:26
Speaker 1: the small remarks that they make. Okay, the reason you're
17:30
Speaker 1: not standing up for yourself in the small remarks that
17:32
Speaker 1: they make is because you don't want them labeling you
17:34
Speaker 1: as too sensitive. You don't want them to feel like
17:36
Speaker 1: you're walking on that they are walking on egshells. So
17:39
Speaker 1: what I would say, one of the many things that
17:42
Speaker 1: I would say, is i'd pull them up and say, listen,
17:48
Speaker 1: I know you've made these comments about me going to
17:49
Speaker 1: the gym and being underweight. However, I'm an adult, I'm
17:53
Speaker 1: making my choices. I don't love it when you make
17:55
Speaker 1: those statements. And the reason I'm telling you this is
17:59
Speaker 1: because I value our relationship. I want to be I
18:02
Speaker 1: want to feel comfortable in telling you when I'm comfortable
18:06
Speaker 1: and when I'm not comfortable, just like you should feel
18:08
Speaker 1: the same way towards me. Simple. If they then trying
18:10
Speaker 1: to say, oh, you can't say anything, you're over sensitive
18:13
Speaker 1: or whatever, then you can respond by saying I'm okay
18:15
Speaker 1: with you thinking that I'm over sensitive. I just felt
18:18
Speaker 1: like I had to had to be honest with how
18:20
Speaker 1: I felt. We're not here to fucking play games. What
18:23
Speaker 1: people want is for you to be defensive. People will
18:28
Speaker 1: attack you, they'll label you. So you backpedal, Oh you're
18:31
Speaker 1: so sensitive, You're like, oh no, no, it's fine. No,
18:33
Speaker 1: it's not that I care. It's not that I do care. Yes,
18:36
Speaker 1: I'm sensitive. Call me sensitive. That's fine, That's not the
18:38
Speaker 1: worst thing in the world to be called. If I
18:41
Speaker 1: feel hurt by what you said, and if that equals sensitive,
18:44
Speaker 1: then I'm fucking sensitive. Okay, kill me, Like, what do
18:48
Speaker 1: you want me to do? So? I think that is
18:52
Speaker 1: what you need to come to terms with. That is
18:53
Speaker 1: your biggest roadblock. And I would also prep my partner
18:58
Speaker 1: that I'm going to do that. I would also say
19:00
Speaker 1: to my partner, just so you know, next time your
19:03
Speaker 1: parents make a comment, I'm going to very politely have
19:07
Speaker 1: a response for it. I'm going to say I'm an adult,
19:10
Speaker 1: I'm making my decisions. I don't really love you know
19:13
Speaker 1: these repeated remarks, And if he has a problem with that,
19:17
Speaker 1: then you've got to say, well, then you need to
19:19
Speaker 1: say something, because you're not going to say something. I'm
19:21
Speaker 1: not a robot, Okay. You either have me around your
19:24
Speaker 1: family and let me interact as an adult with agency,
19:30
Speaker 1: or you limit the interactions that we have with your
19:32
Speaker 1: family because you don't want me saying things that are
19:34
Speaker 1: on my mind. I would never tell Tyrone that he
19:39
Speaker 1: can't stand up for himself in front of my family.
19:42
Speaker 1: That would be inappropriate because that means I'm putting him
19:44
Speaker 1: in a position where he feels uncomfortable and can do
19:48
Speaker 1: nothing about it. As an adult, I would never do that. Okay,
19:51
Speaker 1: So you've got to explain that to your partner. You
19:54
Speaker 1: either limit our interaction, which you probably don't want to
19:56
Speaker 1: do because they're your parents, or you stand up for me,
20:00
Speaker 1: or you allow me to stand up for myself. And
20:02
Speaker 1: I'm sure he will allow you to stand up for
20:04
Speaker 1: yourself because he seems to be on your wavelength. So
20:08
Speaker 1: hopefully that helped. But your number one issue here is
20:12
Speaker 1: that you are worried about them thinking that you are
20:14
Speaker 1: too sensitive. I would rather have high self esteem and
20:17
Speaker 1: someone label me as oversensitive, then then you be the
20:22
Speaker 1: one walking on eggshells. But you said, my self esteem
20:24
Speaker 1: takes a massive hit when I'm in their company, So
20:26
Speaker 1: what do you want? It's you know, I would much
20:30
Speaker 1: rather back myself, have higher self esteem and think, oh,
20:35
Speaker 1: this is really uncomfortable. I just said this thing. But
20:36
Speaker 1: at least I'm true to myself and I said what
20:38
Speaker 1: I needed to say. And if they get offended, booo
20:44
Speaker 1: all right. Next next, this one is seeking advice on
20:50
Speaker 1: difficult on a difficult situation. Seeking advice on a difficult
20:54
Speaker 1: living situation within laws. Dear Alexis, I'm reaching out in
20:58
Speaker 1: hopes of getting some advice on my current living situation,
21:02
Speaker 1: which is causing me significant emotional distress. My husband and
21:06
Speaker 1: I are newlyweds and we are currently living with his parents.
21:09
Speaker 1: While they initially welcomed me into their home saying where
21:12
Speaker 1: their life and we mean everything to them, the reality
21:15
Speaker 1: has been overwhelming. We've tried talking to them about our
21:20
Speaker 1: feelings and needs, but despite saying they understand, their behavior
21:23
Speaker 1: towards me has been cold and fault finding. Every little
21:27
Speaker 1: thing that I do seems to be criticized or scrutinized.
21:30
Speaker 1: It's like I'm walking on eggshells, never knowing when when
21:33
Speaker 1: I'll say or do something wrong. There's this theme with
21:36
Speaker 1: people feeling like they're walking on eggshells around the in laws.
21:39
Speaker 1: The lack of personal space and alone time with my
21:41
Speaker 1: husband is also taking a toll on our relationship. We're
21:44
Speaker 1: trying to start a family, but the stress and pressure
21:47
Speaker 1: of living with his parents is affecting our well being.
21:50
Speaker 1: To be honest, I'm barely coping I've lost my appetite
21:52
Speaker 1: and I'm struggling to sleep even at work. I'm in
21:55
Speaker 1: constant stress and pressure, feeling like I'm just going through
21:58
Speaker 1: the motions. It's been eight months we moved in and
22:01
Speaker 1: I'm exhausted. The hardest part is that we can't afford
22:04
Speaker 1: to move out right now. We feel trapped and unsure
22:07
Speaker 1: of how to navigate this situation. I feel like they're
22:09
Speaker 1: trying to control us, dictating what we can and can't do,
22:12
Speaker 1: even when they're not actively doing anything. The tension and
22:15
Speaker 1: discomfort is palpable. I'm desperate for some advice on how
22:19
Speaker 1: to cope with this situation. How can we set healthy
22:21
Speaker 1: boundaries with my in laws? And are there any strategies
22:24
Speaker 1: for managing stress and anxiety in this type of living situation.
22:27
Speaker 1: Thank you for considering my story and I hope I
22:29
Speaker 1: get some guidance or advice on this topic. By the way,
22:32
Speaker 1: I absolutely love your podcast, It's My life Advice. Okay,
22:35
Speaker 1: thank you for writing in this You're in a very
22:37
Speaker 1: complicated situation. One thing that I do want to address
22:40
Speaker 1: is while everyone is in their right to start a
22:42
Speaker 1: family at any point, you are not in a you
22:45
Speaker 1: can't afford to move out, but you're starting a family.
22:47
Speaker 1: I can guarantee you you bring kids into this situation
22:50
Speaker 1: living with your in laws. Your marriage is done, you
22:53
Speaker 1: are fucking done. I don't know this is going to
22:58
Speaker 1: make it worse, not better if you cannot move out
23:02
Speaker 1: because of financial situations. But you're trying to start a family.
23:07
Speaker 1: Then you are living with your in laws and your babies,
23:11
Speaker 1: is what you're saying. That's your next step right mentally,
23:15
Speaker 1: right now, you're like, this is fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck,
23:16
Speaker 1: let's bring a fuck a child into this. So you
23:18
Speaker 1: need to think about that number one. And I can't
23:20
Speaker 1: help you there because that's just a whole nother fucking
23:23
Speaker 1: ball game. But that to me would equal asylum, a
23:27
Speaker 1: fucking asylum if that was my situation. So I don't
23:31
Speaker 1: know how you're going to navigate that. As far as
23:34
Speaker 1: your current situation, let's not bring kids into it. As
23:36
Speaker 1: far as the current situation that you're dealing with, what
23:39
Speaker 1: you have to realize is that you are living in
23:42
Speaker 1: someone else's home. So there's only so much advice that
23:45
Speaker 1: I can give you here because you are living in
23:47
Speaker 1: someone else's home under their roof, and I'm presuming that
23:49
Speaker 1: you're not paying rent because you're living there because of
23:53
Speaker 1: affordability reasons. Okay, so they're obviously giving you help that's much,
23:58
Speaker 1: at least a lot cheaper than moving out. So they're
24:00
Speaker 1: doing you a favor. When someone does you a favor, Unfortunately,
24:06
Speaker 1: a lot of the time it's not actually a favor.
24:09
Speaker 1: It comes with strings attached. Okay, and the strings attached
24:12
Speaker 1: is that it's my house, my rules. It's not live
24:16
Speaker 1: here rent free or for a very low rent where
24:18
Speaker 1: there's no rules. So part of you has to be like,
24:22
Speaker 1: I can't have it fully my way because at the
24:24
Speaker 1: end of the day, I'm going I'm living in someone
24:26
Speaker 1: else's home under their rules. They are also a different
24:29
Speaker 1: generation as well, which very often plays into it. So
24:33
Speaker 1: already there's a lot of leeway that you have to give,
24:36
Speaker 1: whether you like it or not. You can't have it
24:38
Speaker 1: your way if it's not under your roof. Unfortunately, what
24:43
Speaker 1: I would do is I would try One of the
24:47
Speaker 1: things is how how on your level is your partner
24:53
Speaker 1: about all of this, Because you're saying that it's already
24:58
Speaker 1: affecting your relationship, it's affecting your ability to sleep, your appetite.
25:05
Speaker 1: It's really not looking good, okay, and you're saying you're trapped,
25:11
Speaker 1: you don't know how to move on. You feel like
25:13
Speaker 1: they're dictating everything that you can and can't do. This
25:15
Speaker 1: is very much what's going on with your husband and
25:20
Speaker 1: his relationship with his parents. Where is his backbone in
25:24
Speaker 1: all of this, to be like, we will respect your
25:26
Speaker 1: house rules, will respect X, Y and Z, but we
25:30
Speaker 1: also are adults who deserve our own time, who deserve
25:35
Speaker 1: our own autonomy with what we do and what we
25:37
Speaker 1: don't do. We're not going to bring shit into the household.
25:40
Speaker 1: But we can be out doing certain things. We can be,
25:43
Speaker 1: you know, doing certain things that's not in your face
25:46
Speaker 1: that annoys you. But for you to dictate what we're
25:49
Speaker 1: doing this to me screams very fucked dynamic between son
25:55
Speaker 1: and parents. That's completely what I've gathered from this entire email.
26:01
Speaker 1: So the dynamic between your husband and his parents is
26:05
Speaker 1: flawed to say the least. Okay, they have him by
26:09
Speaker 1: the balls for whatever reason. Now you're kind of in
26:15
Speaker 1: a really tricky situation. You obviously can't move out. So
26:19
Speaker 1: what I would do is I would be addressing this
26:23
Speaker 1: as a team with my husband, and I would say, look,
26:26
Speaker 1: we're at breaking point right now. We say we want
26:29
Speaker 1: to start a family, but our relationship is struggling. That
26:33
Speaker 1: is the priority. Before we start the family, we need
26:37
Speaker 1: to be solid. And in order for us to be solid,
26:41
Speaker 1: I need you to be on my side and understanding
26:45
Speaker 1: where I'm coming from with this dynamic with your parents,
26:47
Speaker 1: because obviously my man advice to be moved the fuck out,
26:50
Speaker 1: but obviously I can't. You've already prefaced it by saying
26:52
Speaker 1: you guys can't move out. You need to be there.
26:54
Speaker 1: So the main thing that you've got to do is
26:57
Speaker 1: you need to seek your husband down and say this
27:00
Speaker 1: is this is where a breaking point. This is going
27:05
Speaker 1: to negatively affect our marriage if you don't put a
27:07
Speaker 1: stop to the things that your parents are saying, the belittling,
27:11
Speaker 1: the controlling what we do, the whatever. You need to
27:13
Speaker 1: come up with a list with your husband. Sit down
27:15
Speaker 1: with your husband, not the parents, your husband, and write
27:18
Speaker 1: down this is what this could look like for us
27:21
Speaker 1: to live happily with your parents. So would it be
27:26
Speaker 1: a certain amount of alone time, would it be maybe
27:28
Speaker 1: you know, eating at separate times, would it be whatever
27:32
Speaker 1: it is? I don't know. Because I don't know the
27:34
Speaker 1: details of that, but you've got to have like, how
27:37
Speaker 1: could you live coexist with these people where you could
27:41
Speaker 1: find yourself being a lot happier? What do those parameters
27:43
Speaker 1: look like? And you need to write the whole thing down,
27:46
Speaker 1: and then it is up to your husband to then
27:49
Speaker 1: present these new parameters to his parents. Then you also
27:53
Speaker 1: have to ask yourself what happens if they don't agree,
27:57
Speaker 1: because at the end of the day, they are in
27:59
Speaker 1: a position of powering. You can't turn around and put
28:01
Speaker 1: an ultimatum on his parents because they are letting you
28:04
Speaker 1: live basically what I presume is rent free in their home.
28:07
Speaker 1: So the person in power or the people in power
28:09
Speaker 1: other parents. So that is my advice for that. You
28:14
Speaker 1: are in a very difficult situation, there's no question about it. However, Yeah,
28:21
Speaker 1: you've just got to You've got to think how can
28:24
Speaker 1: I like future proof this, because if the end goal
28:28
Speaker 1: is to have a family, be moving out and have
28:31
Speaker 1: a happy marriage, what do I need to be focusing
28:33
Speaker 1: on right now for that end goal to still be
28:36
Speaker 1: a possibility? And that is the sanity within your marriage.
28:40
Speaker 1: That's your number one focus, Okay, before the family, before
28:44
Speaker 1: anything else. So yeah, this has got to do with
28:48
Speaker 1: your husband. Your husband is a major player in this
28:50
Speaker 1: turning around and being something not as toxic. Guys. That
28:54
Speaker 1: is all for today's episode. Thank you so much for
28:57
Speaker 1: tuning in. Please email your questions to info at dwifempod
29:02
Speaker 1: dot com or you can send your voice message into
29:07
Speaker 1: to fucking no. Go to the website www dot da
29:12
Speaker 1: wifempod dot com and there's a thing where you can
29:14
Speaker 1: sit me your voice. Note. Also, we do have a
29:17
Speaker 1: little bit of merch leftover from the live show, so
29:19
Speaker 1: head on to the website dwifempod dot com for our merch.
29:23
Speaker 1: We've got some really cool socks and hats that like
29:26
Speaker 1: a little bit of stock leftover from the live show,
29:30
Speaker 1: so it's kind of limited edition and really cool. That
29:33
Speaker 1: is all, love you guys so much. As always, remember
29:35
Speaker 1: becind to yourself, becun't to your brain. Don't text it
29:37
Speaker 1: from anyone, and especially don't text it from yourself. Duncan