Latest / Your Money, Your Rules | Financial Mastery, Wealth Mindset, Leadership Principles, Intuitive Decision-Making, Human Design / 82 | Avoiding Your Money? 3 Simple Steps for Female Entrepreneurs to Break the Cycle
Transcript
- 0:00Erin Gray: Are you tired of avoiding your money?
- 0:01Erin Gray: Do you feel stuck in a constant cycle of ignoring your finances and then feel a lot of guilt later?
- 0:09Erin Gray: Then this episode is for you.
- 0:11Erin Gray: You're listening to Generate a Life Well-Lived podcast.
- 0:15Erin Gray: I'm your friend and confidant, erin Gray.
- 0:17Erin Gray: On this podcast, we will explore all things money, business and self-development, including human design.
- 0:22Erin Gray: I hope you enjoy the journey where I share everything that I know and am continuing to learn along the way, as I honor my heart's desires while inspiring and encouraging you to do the same.
- 0:33Erin Gray: So, on today's podcast, we're going to talk about avoiding your money, because this is something that I have actually struggled with and also worked through.
- 0:42Erin Gray: This is a lot of times what clients present with as well, and a lot of women that I've talked to.
- 0:48Erin Gray: They experience this, and I want to, first and foremost, let you know that, if this is you, I want you to know you aren't alone.
- 1:00Erin Gray: There are so many women out in the world that this is the norm for them, and I hope that through today's episode, you can gain some understanding as to why this happens and also a couple of tools that you can start implementing to work through this.
- 1:16Erin Gray: So let's talk about why we actually avoid money.
- 1:20Erin Gray: A lot of times it comes from our emotions, right, our actions follow what we are actually feeling.
- 1:29Erin Gray: So if you're feeling fear or you're feeling a lot of shame and guilt, or maybe even overwhelm, and a lot of times clients will have money trauma, which I'm not a therapist I I am not a trauma informed therapist, but from having an experiencing it myself and also recognizing it in other clients, we do have.
- 1:53Erin Gray: A lot of us have some type of money trauma and this can be, you know, either big T trauma or little T trauma.
- 2:00Erin Gray: In terms of maybe it's something as simple as little T trauma, when you asked for something you constantly got told no.
- 2:07Erin Gray: Or it could be big T trauma, like how I had, where there was a significant event that happened in my life that impacted the way that I viewed money.
- 2:19Erin Gray: So, whether it's fear, shame, guilt, overwhelm or some type of money trauma, this is probably the reason why you might be avoiding your money.
- 2:30Erin Gray: Also, it comes from you know, think about how we grow up right A lot of times, our parents, the way that they spoke about money, not having enough money, being um, maybe saying things like that's too expensive, just the way their own money, beliefs and how their relationship was with money might have impacted the way that and probably did impact the way that we have a relationship with money.
- 3:00Erin Gray: And in terms of, like, nervous system, avoidance is a way or a representation of the freeze response.
- 3:09Erin Gray: So you know they talk about like fight, flight, freeze Avoidance is a way that our bodies are protecting us.
- 3:18Erin Gray: So it's not laziness.
- 3:21Erin Gray: I've had clients before say I just need to stop being so lazy.
- 3:24Erin Gray: It's not laziness, it's actually your nervous system trying to protect you and it is a, you know, a response to a perceived threat.
- 3:34Erin Gray: That is what.
- 3:35Erin Gray: That is what we feel, right, we have, even though consciously you may say no, no, no, I, I, I don't, you know, perceive money as a threat in our bodies.
- 3:45Erin Gray: We do, and that is why we're probably avoiding money.
- 3:49Erin Gray: So how it typically shows up, how it has shown up for myself, how it has shown up for clients and this is where you just get to get curious, right, how does it show up for you?
- 4:00Erin Gray: It might look like ignoring looking at your business finances, maybe not.
- 4:06Erin Gray: If you're doing your own books, maybe not doing your books yourself, right?
- 4:11Erin Gray: Maybe you are just looking at ever so often the bank account, not actually doing QuickBooks or using some type of software.
- 4:19Erin Gray: Maybe you're not meeting with your bookkeeper on a regular basis and then, from a personal finance, it might just be.
- 4:24Erin Gray: You know you aren't looking at your bank account, you aren't using budgeting software and for a lot of women, what I have found is budgeting can be a very triggering word because it we've been taught it has to come with restriction.
- 4:38Erin Gray: But I I view budgeting in a very different way now is it's a form of self-love.
- 4:43Erin Gray: You know we don't want to overeat.
- 4:46Erin Gray: You know, when you think about how do we fuel our bodies, it's the same thing with a budget.
- 4:51Erin Gray: We don't want to overspend, we want to spend in alignment with our values.
- 4:55Erin Gray: But a budget can show us, you know, what do we value If we set it up in ways that we want to.
- 5:01Erin Gray: You know, use our money in ways that nourish and light us up.
- 5:06Erin Gray: If you are using your budget in that way and you're getting to see, okay, well, maybe I am overspending in these areas or maybe I don't value, you know, these areas as much as what I used to or thought I did.
- 5:20Erin Gray: So it just gives us a way to be more aware of how we are spending our money.
- 5:24Erin Gray: I did so.
- 5:26Erin Gray: It just gives us a way to be more aware of how we are spending our money.
- 5:28Erin Gray: So it can also look like procrastination, which procrastination is really just a form of resistance, and so maybe you are, you know, not making financial decisions that you need to make.
- 5:40Erin Gray: Sometimes it can be even procrastinating paying bills.
- 5:45Erin Gray: That is another way that it shows up, almost like waiting till the very last minute to pay the bill.
- 5:50Erin Gray: You know the last day that it's due to pay the bill.
- 5:52Erin Gray: And I want you to have, if this is resonating with you, I want you to have such compassion for yourself, because this isn't done consciously.
- 6:02Erin Gray: This is a a recognition of something that's deeper right there.
- 6:09Erin Gray: There is some subconscious beliefs there.
- 6:11Erin Gray: The body doesn't necessarily feel safe with money.
- 6:14Erin Gray: Like I said before, it might feel like a perceived threat, and so this is what the body does to keep us safe.
- 6:22Erin Gray: Avoidance, you know, can even look like the other way of the spectrum of like mindless, mindlessly spending, or even emotional spending.
- 6:30Erin Gray: You know, you may have been restricting yourself so much over the last month or two that then you just kind of go all the way over to the other end of the spectrum and you overspend, and so I just want you to recognize that these are the ways that we cope, these are the ways that we do things to protect ourselves, to keep our body safe, when we really aren't aware of what is the deeper issue that's going on here.
- 7:02Erin Gray: And one thing I also notice is how we avoid money is almost like an abdication of responsibility to our advisors.
- 7:10Erin Gray: So, whether that be, you know your CPA, or maybe that is your spouse at home or your bookkeeper or something like that.
- 7:18Erin Gray: Like so often I hear women say, oh well, my CPA is taking care of that and and yes, your CPA is there to help you and support you, but not to the point of where you just get to you, but not to the point of where you just get to wash your hands of it and not have to deal with it.
- 7:36Erin Gray: Because I I still think that there's an underlying thread there of feeling maybe possibly disempowered and also avoidant.
- 7:44Erin Gray: If you recognize, when I'm I'm saying these examples, that you know how money avoidance shows up for you.
- 7:53Erin Gray: So how do we, once we become aware which is always the the first step in anything right we have to become aware, you know, shifting into more an empowered stance and and understanding and recognizing where you are.
- 8:12Erin Gray: Like I said, the first step is always awareness.
- 8:15Erin Gray: So acknowledging that you are avoiding and possibly judging your behavior like that is a celebration in itself.
- 8:24Erin Gray: Recognize that, because we cannot have change unless we actually become aware of where we are.
- 8:33Erin Gray: And I always encourage clients to take small steps.
- 8:36Erin Gray: I know the self-development industry is, you know, big on quantum leaping and I always call it like go big or go home.
- 8:43Erin Gray: But I think in the beginning for the nervous system, when you're teaching your nervous system to feel safe again with money, to not feel threatened with money, I think taking small steps and consistent steps is a much more powerful way and long-term solution.
- 9:01Erin Gray: Because think of your nervous system like a rubber band and as you expand that rubber band, if it hasn't been stretched on a consistent basis you stretch it too far it'll pop right back.
- 9:14Erin Gray: Right, that's the way I kind of look at our nervous systems and so consistently looking at your books or talking about finances at home or looking at your bank account and when I say start small, I also mean consistently.
- 9:30Erin Gray: So maybe it's something that you put in your calendar that you do every single day in the beginning, because not only are you teaching your body that you're safe, you're also building up the habit that you are the person that takes care of their money, that looks at their money, that does what she says she'll do.
- 9:49Erin Gray: Maybe in the beginning it's just something as simple as thinking about your bank account or thinking about money and just recognizing what are those sensations in your body that are coming up for you.
- 10:07Erin Gray: What am I feeling?
- 10:08Erin Gray: Is my breathing changing as I'm thinking about money or thinking about opening my bank account, or looking at my P and L statement and recognizing what does that look like?
- 10:20Erin Gray: What does that feel like for you and your body?
- 10:22Erin Gray: And then you know, maybe after a week or two, then next step would be okay.
- 10:28Erin Gray: Every day I'm going to look at my bank account.
- 10:29Erin Gray: Every day I'm going to open QuickBooks or I'm going to look at my Excel spreadsheet whatever you might be using at the time and committing to that.
- 10:39Erin Gray: You might be using at the time and committing to that.
- 10:46Erin Gray: The other thing is, before you actually sit down and do those things, doing some nervous system regulation.
- 10:51Erin Gray: So maybe it's some deep breaths.
- 10:54Erin Gray: What are the things that you do currently to soothe your nervous system when you feel that it's heightened.
- 11:01Erin Gray: You know you can.
- 11:03Erin Gray: If you were to imagine, like putting your hands on your forehead and then drawing a heart around your face, that is helpful.
- 11:11Erin Gray: You can also just put your hand on your cheek and hold your cheek.
- 11:15Erin Gray: You know, the vagus nerve comes right behind your ear earlobe and so, like pressing on that, what are the things that you can do to soothe your nervous system and also make it enjoyable?
- 11:29Erin Gray: So I call them money dates that I have with myself and I bring my favorite tea and I sit down and then, depending on where I want to be in the house sometimes I'm in my office, sometimes I'm at the kitchen table with the sun on my face but what kind of experience can you make it that can be enjoyable and, like I said, you know, maybe in the beginning that might be too far of a jump right.
- 11:51Erin Gray: I didn't start there.
- 11:53Erin Gray: I didn't start with like, oh, I'm going to have just such a fun time and bring my tea.
- 11:56Erin Gray: You know to come sit and look at my finances.
- 12:02Erin Gray: I started with okay, for the next two minutes I'm going to log into Wells Fargo and I'm just going to see how my body is moving and breathing when I look at my bank account and that was enough in the beginning.
- 12:13Erin Gray: Right, that was, that was enough for the nervous system.
- 12:16Erin Gray: So, wherever you are, I want you, and to encourage you, to start where you are and be okay with where you are and recognize that the fact that you are noticing that you are avoiding your money is something that is to be celebrated, because we can't change something we aren't aware of.
- 12:47Erin Gray: Here's what I would encourage to do, because it's one thing to listen to the podcast, it's another to actually take action.
- 12:54Erin Gray: And what is one thing that you're going to do over the next week?
- 12:59Erin Gray: Is it I'm going to commit to looking at opening my bank account?
- 13:03Erin Gray: Is it I'm going to have a conversation with my bookkeeper once a week or once a month, however, you guys have contracted that I'm going to sit down and have a conversation with my spouse with our personal finances once a week.
- 13:21Erin Gray: What is one thing?
- 13:23Erin Gray: We don't have to name all of them, but what's one thing that you're going to commit to doing over the next week?
- 13:30Erin Gray: And then checking back in and seeing how did that feel?
- 13:33Erin Gray: What did it feel like in my body when I sat down with my money?
- 13:36Erin Gray: What did it feel like in my body when I even started thinking about to sit down with my money and just getting some some clarity on that.
- 13:44Erin Gray: As always, this is the work that I do with clients, so if this is something that you want to have some support on, I'd be happy to help you.
- 13:53Erin Gray: You can just email me at support at generate a life well livedcom and we can set up a time for me to help you.
- 14:01Erin Gray: I just want you to know that avoidance is very typical.
- 14:05Erin Gray: It happens way more than you think.
- 14:07Erin Gray: You aren't alone, and also small, consistent actions, along with tending to your nervous system, is what builds confidence, is what builds a different way of being with your money.
- 14:24Erin Gray: Let me know if you've got any questions.
- 14:26Erin Gray: I'd love to hear from you, and until next time.