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What does control have to do with money? · Rock My Finances

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  Speaker 3: Welcome to the Rock My Finances show on k FORHD
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  Speaker 3: Radio and Talk for TV, where we put the fund
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  Speaker 3: in finance. Join Powerhouse Jennifer josp CDFA CMC and private
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  Speaker 3: wealth advisor as she collaborates with you to create clarity, control,
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  Speaker 3: and companience with your money. Your weab.
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  Speaker 2: It's not about the zeros, So what is it all about?
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  Speaker 3: Let's find out? Now Here's your host and weekly friend,
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  Speaker 3: Jennifer Jose.
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  Speaker 2: Hey, y'all, so glad you're back to rock my finances,
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  Speaker 2: so appreciate that. Today we are going to talk about
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  Speaker 2: what does control have to do with money? I know,
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  Speaker 2: if you're like me, I am a good old control
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  Speaker 2: freak from way back. I mean just from chaotic childhood.
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  Speaker 2: Growing up I had to control my surroundings and then
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  Speaker 2: jumping into marriage right away and kids right away, and
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  Speaker 2: if my schedule was not controlled, or the house was
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  Speaker 2: not controlled, or my environment was not controlled, I would
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  Speaker 2: freak out. So what does that turn to turn into?
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  Speaker 2: I started controlling people and trying to control everything around me,
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  Speaker 2: and that actually did affect my money world, my money life,
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  Speaker 2: and my finances. So we're going to talk about that today.
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  Speaker 2: So any control freaks out there, this is the one
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  Speaker 2: for you. I've been thinking a lot about emotional energy
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  Speaker 2: and trying to change and how we try to change
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  Speaker 2: other people, like thinking if they would just act this
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  Speaker 2: way or did it this way, my life would be easier,
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  Speaker 2: my life would be better. We always want something to
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  Speaker 2: change in order for us to feel the F word,
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  Speaker 2: y'all feel better. So that's what we're going to take
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  Speaker 2: a deep dive and look in today. So we tell
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  Speaker 2: ourselves that we're only trying to help right, like we
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  Speaker 2: know the right way. Plus I'm a virgo, y'all, so
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  Speaker 2: that also gave me perfection. We want our spouses to
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  Speaker 2: communicate differently, our children to make better decisions, our clients
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  Speaker 2: to show up when we want them to show up
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  Speaker 2: and take our advice, our friends to maybe make choices
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  Speaker 2: better for them so that it makes our life easier,
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  Speaker 2: so that we don't see them going through hurt or pain.
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  Speaker 2: Same with kids, right, we always try to save our
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  Speaker 2: kids from going through hurt and pain. And of course
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  Speaker 2: we know better, right, at least we think so when
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  Speaker 2: we're controlling, so on the surface, it looks like we're
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  Speaker 2: loving them, it looks like we care about them and
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  Speaker 2: we're concerned and it's our responsibility. But I wonder if
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  Speaker 2: there's something much deeper going on So here, what does
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  Speaker 2: control actually have to do with money? Actually, it's everything.
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  Speaker 2: After years of coaching people around money, and I've learned
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  Speaker 2: so many different financial decisions are just not about the zeros.
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  Speaker 2: It's not about the dollar and cents. It's actually about emotions.
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  Speaker 2: It's about our fear, our insecurity, our guilt, our shame.
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  Speaker 2: I know the S word, right, uncertainty of the outcome,
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  Speaker 2: and yes, ultimately control. When we think of money, we
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  Speaker 2: think of we're out of control most of the time.
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  Speaker 2: So think about it. How many financial decisions have you
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  Speaker 2: made because you were trying to control how you've felt
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  Speaker 2: or how other people responded to what was actually happening.
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  Speaker 2: Some people overspend because buying something give them a very
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  Speaker 2: temporary feeling of certainty or comfort or joy or pleasure.
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  Speaker 2: Some people refuse to invest because they're trying to control
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  Speaker 2: every single thing around them them and they can't control
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  Speaker 2: the stock market, so they don't even want to invest.
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  Speaker 2: Some people consistently check their check balance. I mean you
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  Speaker 2: open up your phone, you check your checking account, your
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  Speaker 2: savings account balance, maybe even your investment account balance constantly
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  Speaker 2: because they believe monitoring it gives them more control over
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  Speaker 2: the fluctuations. Others hold on to cash for years because
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  Speaker 2: they're having money in the bank feels safer than facing
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  Speaker 2: the uncertainty of investing. Say, none of these behaviors have
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  Speaker 2: anything to do with money. It is all about you
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  Speaker 2: trying to feel safe. So the question is it's not
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  Speaker 2: what's wrong with my financial plan or my financial advisor y'all,
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  Speaker 2: or the stock market or the president or anything. It's
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  Speaker 2: what emotion am I trying to attain through my financial decisions,
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  Speaker 2: So we get to look inward, it's completely different. Conversation
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  Speaker 2: and control can be very expensive and cost us a lot.
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  Speaker 2: So one of the most expensive things we can do
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  Speaker 2: is and fuse control with security. I've seen couples spend
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  Speaker 2: years arguing over money because one person wants to have
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  Speaker 2: the complete control over every purchase and every decision, while
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  Speaker 2: while simply just really wants to feel trusted on making
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  Speaker 2: their own decisions. I've seen parents, i mean even divorces
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  Speaker 2: right giving money to children because saying no feel scarier
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  Speaker 2: than writing another check. They're afraid their child's going to
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  Speaker 2: retaliate or not love them, or walk away or think
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  Speaker 2: badly of them. So many money decisions we make is
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  Speaker 2: based around what we think other people are going to
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  Speaker 2: think about us. And I've seen people delay their dreams
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  Speaker 2: for years because they're waiting until everything feels perfect or certain. Yes, perfectionists,
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  Speaker 2: I'm talking to you as well. Control feels safe in
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  Speaker 2: the moment, just in that moment, but over time, it
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  Speaker 2: actually costs us money, relationships up tunities, it costs us
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  Speaker 2: peace of mind, it costs us inner piece. It costs
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  Speaker 2: us aging earlier, right, Like, I'm so over that, right,
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  Speaker 2: I do not want to be doing that. So what
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  Speaker 2: is financial confidence and how does that help you take
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  Speaker 2: your control back and still be making decisions. Financial confidence
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  Speaker 2: isn't about knowing exactly what's going to happen with your
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  Speaker 2: money and exactly what to do next. It's about and
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  Speaker 2: it's not about having every single answer of everything down
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  Speaker 2: the road. There's no way we could. It is not
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  Speaker 2: about eliminating every risk. Financial confidence is trusting yourself to
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  Speaker 2: make a thoughtful decision even when life is uncertain. We
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  Speaker 2: know life is uncertain, right, Like my dad used to
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  Speaker 2: always say, there's no more nothing more certain than change.
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  Speaker 2: Like change is going to happen, which can be good
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  Speaker 2: and can be bad. Because when you're in a bad situation,
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  Speaker 2: just breathe and hang on because guess what, it is
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  Speaker 2: going to change no matter what. So knowing that if
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  Speaker 2: the market you have a plan, or if you're over spending,
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  Speaker 2: you have a plan or whatever it is, plan abc
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  Speaker 2: life changes, you will adapt. Your plan will adapt, your
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  Speaker 2: decisions will adapt. It's okay if you make a mistake,
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  Speaker 2: you're going to learn from it instead of allowing it
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  Speaker 2: to find who you are has nothing to do with
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  Speaker 2: who you are. The real confidence isn't built by controlling
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  Speaker 2: the future and controlling and squeezing every little dime in
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  Speaker 2: your little hand and having control over everything. It's actually
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  Speaker 2: built by trusting yourself to handle whatever the future brings.
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  Speaker 2: So a different way to think about it is the
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  Speaker 2: next time you feel yourself trying to control something, either
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  Speaker 2: financially or emotionally or relationship wise, ask yourself three questions.
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  Speaker 2: Are you ready? You got your money journal out? Yep?
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  Speaker 2: Come on, get that money journal out. We got to
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  Speaker 2: take notes. You know how it is. We get homework
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  Speaker 2: around here. Number one, What am I afraid of losing?
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  Speaker 2: Just simply what am I afraid of losing? It could
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  Speaker 2: be dollars and cents, It could be controlled, It could
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  Speaker 2: be embarrassment. It could be shame because you invested in
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  Speaker 2: the wrong situation. It could be losing control because you're
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  Speaker 2: having an advisor help you. We don't know what it is.
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  Speaker 2: Just write it down. Number two, what am I? What
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  Speaker 2: am I actually trying to protect? Number two? What am
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  Speaker 2: I trying to protect? Am I trying to protect my security?
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  Speaker 2: Am I trying to protect all my money because money
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  Speaker 2: is future is security is like everything, especially for single women.
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  Speaker 2: I see that a lot in my clients. We really
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  Speaker 2: want to make the right decision because it's just us
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  Speaker 2: and we're the only ones that we can depend on
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  Speaker 2: throughout the rest of our life. Right, I've been seeing
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  Speaker 2: for like twelve years, and so I don't know if
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  Speaker 2: I'll be single forever or not. But when I make
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  Speaker 2: a financial decision or any decision, buying my house, vacation,
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  Speaker 2: spending this, doing my backyard, buying my hot tub, whatever
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  Speaker 2: it might be, it's all on me. So what am
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  Speaker 2: I trying to protect? So normally it's trying to protect
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  Speaker 2: my future, trying to protect not losing too much money,
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  Speaker 2: trying to protect what people are going to think about me?
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  Speaker 2: Am I overspending? Am I being outlandish with decisions? Am
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  Speaker 2: I not doing enough? Are people thinking that I'm not
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  Speaker 2: being a part of things enough? Like there's so many
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  Speaker 2: different things? Right? Third number question? Am I making the decision?
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  Speaker 2: From fear or love? Now? You can also change that
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  Speaker 2: word love if you're not completely in love with yourself yet,
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  Speaker 2: we could say fear or wisdom. Because I believe good
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  Speaker 2: old Marian Williamson you're either in love or fear. Again,
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  Speaker 2: this is my thoughts, love or fear. So if you're
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  Speaker 2: coming from fear, that decision we do not want to make.
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  Speaker 2: When we're coming from love. For me, it just flows.
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  Speaker 2: It makes my decisions easier. I'm in the right frame
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  Speaker 2: of mind, I'm in my priestess zone. I'm making the
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  Speaker 2: right decisions for my future. Now. Can things go awry? Absolutely?
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  Speaker 2: Can things? You know, can I regret that maybe later?
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  Speaker 2: Maybe we don't know as that matter. But all I
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  Speaker 2: know is if I'm coming from fear, scarcity, embarrassment, shame,
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  Speaker 2: that is not the time to make a decision. And
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  Speaker 2: that's why when I meet with my clients, I meet
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  Speaker 2: with them several times, over and over and over again
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  Speaker 2: until they feel very comfortable before they make a decision.
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  Speaker 2: We do not want decisions made out of fear. And
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  Speaker 2: I think that's what's wrong with a lot of financial
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  Speaker 2: institutions out there, and marketing and all that they want
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  Speaker 2: to scare you into making a decision. No reason to
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  Speaker 2: be scared, Absolutely, no reason to be scared. We can
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  Speaker 2: always do plan a plan bleed pen see now, would
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  Speaker 2: you maybe not be able to spend as much money
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  Speaker 2: as you really want to yes, But it doesn't mean
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  Speaker 2: that you have to be in fear making a decision.
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  Speaker 2: So we got to look at that. Where's that coming
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  Speaker 2: from that decision? So number number one, what am I
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  Speaker 2: afraid of losing? Number two what am I trying to protect?
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  Speaker 2: And number three is that decision coming from fear or
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  Speaker 2: love or wisdom? Those three questions cannot only change for
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  Speaker 2: your finances, but everything, your relationship with your friends, your family,
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  Speaker 2: decisions that you're making at work. When love and wisdom
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  Speaker 2: is driving the car, everything becomes intentional. Do you remember
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  Speaker 2: back in the day when good ol Oprah was talking
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  Speaker 2: about intention like what is your intention? Like she started
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  Speaker 2: every meeting off with anybody that anybody brought anything to her,
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  Speaker 2: she would say, what's your intention? Why are you making
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  Speaker 2: that decision? What do you want the outcome to be?
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  Speaker 2: What is the intention? I love that word, so let's
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  Speaker 2: bring that back. I've learned that most controlling behavior isn't
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  Speaker 2: really about control at all. It is usually about fear.
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  Speaker 2: And we have all had experiences that shape us. So
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  Speaker 2: maybe you grew up on a home that felt unpredictable
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  Speaker 2: like I did, a little bit chaotic, Sometimes betrayal or trust.
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  Speaker 2: Maybe your parents might have had an affair or divorced
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  Speaker 2: real young or something. Maybe you lost somebody to death unexpectedly,
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  Speaker 2: or maybe they just left your life. Maybe you were
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  Speaker 2: criticized or even bullied, abandoned. Maybe you felt everything dependent
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  Speaker 2: on you, maybe you had absentee parent. Basically, whatever the experience,
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  Speaker 2: many of us quietly made promises to ourselves to stay
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  Speaker 2: alert enough, to plan enough, to fix everything, enough to
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  Speaker 2: manage enough so that we keep ourselves safe from ever
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  Speaker 2: hurting again. Now I know I did that, and that's
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  Speaker 2: where I became a perfectionism perfectionist and a control freak, right,
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  Speaker 2: because if I controlled my surroundings, I could keep myself
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  Speaker 2: safe up to a point. Of course. The problem is
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  Speaker 2: that control creates the illusion of safety. Right. I can't
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  Speaker 2: control someone else. I have no idea what they're going
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  Speaker 2: to do. So it makes us believe that if we
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  Speaker 2: can just get everyone else to behave differently, if everyone
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  Speaker 2: else would just do what I say. I've said this
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  Speaker 2: so many years, then I can finally relax. We tell
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  Speaker 2: ourselves that will feel better when our spouse change, our
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  Speaker 2: kids change, our friends, change, our clients, change, our finances improve.
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  Speaker 2: Everybody wants their money to be different because they think
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  Speaker 2: they're going to f word feel better when they make
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  Speaker 2: that extra money, when they save that extra money, when
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  Speaker 2: that stock market does this, or when we have a
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  Speaker 2: different president or this president or whatever it is. We
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  Speaker 2: always think we're going to feel better. It's all about that.
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  Speaker 2: So we've made our emotional well being dependent on circumstances
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  Speaker 2: that we actually don't even control. So we're giving our
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  Speaker 2: power outside of us. So if they did all that,
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  Speaker 2: I can feel better. If that all worked out that way,
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  Speaker 2: I can feel better. So you're literally giving yourself away.
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  Speaker 2: One of the questions I ask my clients are what
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  Speaker 2: are you afraid would happen if nothing changed, or if
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  Speaker 2: whatever circumstance they're worried about, if that did not change,
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  Speaker 2: what are you afraid that would happen? Now that's a
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  Speaker 2: big question. I normally say, make sure you talk with
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  Speaker 2: your therapist or your coach or somebody. Don't go down
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  Speaker 2: that rabbit hole by yourself if you're not ready for it.
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  Speaker 2: And then I have asked that question again and again
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  Speaker 2: and again again to go down the rabbit hole to
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  Speaker 2: find out what is the worst case scenario. Then we
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  Speaker 2: sit with that worst case scenario for a minute or
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  Speaker 2: five or ten or a day, and we feel into
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  Speaker 2: that and ninety nine point ninety nine percent of the
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  Speaker 2: time we create another plan to get out of that,
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  Speaker 2: so that that way our brain knows that worst case scenario,
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  Speaker 2: I got this. I got this, maybe with support, maybe
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  Speaker 2: not working out exactly the way I would want it
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  Speaker 2: to be, but I'm going to be okay. Being a
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  Speaker 2: certified divorce financial analyst, I have a lot of clients
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  Speaker 2: that are coming to me during a divorce, through the divorce,
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  Speaker 2: and then after the divorce, and I guarantee you one
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  Speaker 2: hundred percent of the time, the way they think their
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  Speaker 2: life's going to be is one hundred percent different a
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  Speaker 2: year later, every single time. So we have to work
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  Speaker 2: through that, right. We just have to create these plans
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  Speaker 2: to help them feel safe through that first year or
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  Speaker 2: two years or however long it takes to get through
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  Speaker 2: the divorce and then be one year on their own.
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  Speaker 2: So if that's you, if you're going through divorce or
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  Speaker 2: contemplating it right now, know that your life is going
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  Speaker 2: to change and you can plan all you want, but
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  Speaker 2: you really need support during that time because it definitely changes.
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  Speaker 2: So sometimes the fear of financial insecurity will stop us
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  Speaker 2: from doing things, and it's actually fear from our childhood,
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  Speaker 2: maybe fear that our child, that our marriage is going
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  Speaker 2: to end, that our dreams won't come true. The issues
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  Speaker 2: are rarely the other person. The issue is our fear
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  Speaker 2: that lives beneath and the need to control the outcome.
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  Speaker 2: The truth is that trying to control another person never
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  Speaker 2: heals our fear. It just can't because they have their
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  Speaker 2: own agency. You have your own agency, They have their own,
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  Speaker 2: and we cannot control other people. It only distracts us
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  Speaker 2: from not being able to control someone else. So we
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  Speaker 2: spend so much energy and focus on what they should
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  Speaker 2: do differently, how we never stop asking ourselves what is
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  Speaker 2: happening inside of us? We need to do that turn inward,
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  Speaker 2: what's happening inside of us? When we're going on a
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  Speaker 2: trip and we're planning a trip and you have somebody
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  Speaker 2: that wants to control every aspect of that trip, what's
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  Speaker 2: really happening for them? They're actually in a huge amount
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  Speaker 2: of fear. So we have to know that that's their
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  Speaker 2: insecurity coming out trying to control that. We have to
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  Speaker 2: help them breathe through that and say, even if that
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  Speaker 2: doesn't work out that way, it's going to work out fine.
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  Speaker 2: It's going to work out differently, but it's going to
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  Speaker 2: be okay. So where the real growth begins is not
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  Speaker 2: by analyzing someone else's behavior, but actually looking at our
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  Speaker 2: own behavior. One of the greatest signs of emotional maturity
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  Speaker 2: is learning to separate love from control. So I know
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  Speaker 2: a lot of moms were trying to control the crap
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  Speaker 2: out of our kids and we call that love. It's
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  Speaker 2: absolutely not because they are grown human beings on their
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  Speaker 2: own and they're learning their own lessons. We cannot control
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  Speaker 2: everything for them. We can love someone deeply without trying
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  Speaker 2: to manage every decision they make. You can actually care
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  Speaker 2: about someone without caring all of the responsibility for every
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  Speaker 2: consequence and every experience. You can offer wisdom without demanding
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  Speaker 2: that they accept it. We can ask would you like
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  Speaker 2: to hear my opinion? If they say no, you got
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  Speaker 2: to shut up as STFU. Right, You can't share it
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  Speaker 2: when they're not ready for it. That's not giving up
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  Speaker 2: on people at all. That's respecting that they have their
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  Speaker 2: own journey. And you got to kind of give yourself
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  Speaker 2: some credit. You've been this parent of this child for
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  Speaker 2: so long, you've done a good job. Let them be
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  Speaker 2: them now. So when we stop trying to control everyone else,
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  Speaker 2: something remarkable happens. We have so much more energy to
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  Speaker 2: look at ourselves and to have fun all the F word.
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  Speaker 2: I love fun, like I want to have fun every day.
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  Speaker 2: And when we're spending so much energy trying to control
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  Speaker 2: everybody else and every other thing around people, we are
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  Speaker 2: not even caring about what makes us happy. It becomes
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  Speaker 2: less reactive and more thoughtful. Our sleep is better, We
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  Speaker 2: become kinder, We become way more fun to be around.
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  Speaker 2: We begin investing in our own time and our own
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  Speaker 2: healing instead of someone else's resistance. We start asking different questions.
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  Speaker 2: We become curious about other people's lives because it's interesting,
• 18:24
  Speaker 2: not because we want to change it. So instead of
• 18:27
  Speaker 2: wondering how to change them, we begin asking how we
• 18:30
  Speaker 2: can become healthier, wiser, calmer, more grounded on ourselves. And
• 18:35
  Speaker 2: guess what the abundance will flow? Now? I know? Can
• 18:39
  Speaker 2: I guarantee that? Of course not. But we can only
• 18:42
  Speaker 2: control three things. We can control our thoughts, we can
• 18:47
  Speaker 2: control our choices, and we can control our actions. That's
• 18:51
  Speaker 2: what we can control. That's it. You don't control the markets,
• 18:55
  Speaker 2: interest rates, politics, your spouse, your children. Control creates scarcity
• 19:02
  Speaker 2: because you become alone. No one wants to be controlled.
• 19:08
  Speaker 2: Have you ever had your spouse or your children tell
• 19:11
  Speaker 2: you to stop, just stop stop talking? Stop right there.
• 19:15
  Speaker 2: I don't want to hear it. Or do you get
• 19:17
  Speaker 2: people get distant from you. Have you had friends drop away?
• 19:21
  Speaker 2: Have you had kids not pick up the phone when
• 19:23
  Speaker 2: you call them? It is not just about money. Scarcity
• 19:27
  Speaker 2: is not about money. It's about being alone too, because
• 19:29
  Speaker 2: people don't want to be around someone who's always trying
• 19:33
  Speaker 2: to control them. Sometimes it's believing I'll be happy when
• 19:37
  Speaker 2: my husband changes, I'll be successful when the market gets better.
• 19:41
  Speaker 2: I'll finally relax when my kids listen to me. That's
• 19:44
  Speaker 2: what we believe inside an actuality that is giving away
• 19:48
  Speaker 2: your power. If you've ever had any of those thoughts,
• 19:51
  Speaker 2: you're giving away your power. Your happiness becomes dependent on
• 19:55
  Speaker 2: somebody else's decision, which is not okay. A lot of
• 19:58
  Speaker 2: times with couples, this hurts your money, This hurts your budgets,
• 20:01
  Speaker 2: this hurts your future. The harder they push, the more
• 20:04
  Speaker 2: resistance you get. So instead of trying to control another person,
• 20:07
  Speaker 2: ask yourself, what, financially, example can I become? How can
• 20:12
  Speaker 2: I show my children? How can I show the people
• 20:15
  Speaker 2: around me? Not as a lecturer, a nagger, a controller,
• 20:19
  Speaker 2: a button ski as they used to say, But we
• 20:23
  Speaker 2: want to pay attention to how we can support others
• 20:26
  Speaker 2: without trying to control them. Parents often continue rescuing kids
• 20:29
  Speaker 2: financially why because they're wanting to control the outcome. But
• 20:34
  Speaker 2: every rescue can unintentionally delay someone else's growth. It absolutely does.
• 20:39
  Speaker 2: It does unintentionally impede somebody else's growth. Now, coming from
• 20:44
  Speaker 2: a codependent making boundaries for years and years and years,
• 20:47
  Speaker 2: I get that. I've done it. I do it. I
• 20:49
  Speaker 2: get it. We're never perfect, but we have to look
• 20:51
  Speaker 2: at it. So I'd like everyone now to just look
• 20:56
  Speaker 2: at yourself, go inward and notice the opportunity that you
• 21:00
  Speaker 2: have to change within yourself. I promise you you're going to
• 21:03
  Speaker 2: be so much more healthier. Your money is going to
• 21:05
  Speaker 2: be healthier, your money relationship is going to be healthier,
• 21:08
  Speaker 2: your friends won't drop away. It'll be amazing. Now keep
• 21:12
  Speaker 2: looking at the next or keep listening to the next episodes,
• 21:14
  Speaker 2: because we have a lot more on control and the
• 21:16
  Speaker 2: seven Wounds that actually is impeding your wealth. Thank you.
• 21:20
  Speaker 2: I want you all to be able to listen to
• 21:22
  Speaker 2: these episodes and to be able to say, I rock
• 21:24
  Speaker 2: my finances.
• 21:26
  Speaker 3: We appreciate you joining us today, and don't forget to
• 21:29
  Speaker 3: subscribe to the rock my Finances YouTube channel for more
• 21:33
  Speaker 3: engagement and bonus content. Tell me what is your money story?
• 21:37
  Speaker 3: Let's find out with Jennifer right here on K four
• 21:40
  Speaker 3: HD Radio and Talk for TV. It's not about the zero,
• 21:44
  Speaker 3: It's about the F word. Feelings, feelings. Jennifer can't wait
• 21:48
  Speaker 3: to explore with you next week. Until then, let's all
• 21:52
  Speaker 3: say I rock my Finances.