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Pere Aznar - standup show · Comedy Central Stand-Up

• 0:02
  Comedy Central Podcast. Thank you? Thank you? Thank you? Thank you?
• 0:26
  What' s that? What? What? What? What? What?
• 0:31
  What? What? What? What? What? What? What?
• 0:38
  What? What? What? What? We' re going to die,
• 0:48
  are we going to die? Let' s go samorir? Now we'
• 0:55
  re going to die, we' re going to samos and come as if
• 1:02
  there' s no pussy tomorrow. I did? What? What? What?
• 1:08
  What? What? What? What? How are you going to die?
• 1:12
  We' re going to die, are we going to die? Come
• 1:19
  on, what are you doing now, what' s the first lesson?
• 1:23
  Don' t ever let yourself be manipulated by an asshole. Let' s
• 1:27
  learn. We' re gonna learn a lot tonight, folks. In the
• 1:33
  end this thing about one doing something and the rest following him and rationally looks
• 1:37
  a lot. Lately, for example, I' m sure you' ve
• 1:41
  seen him in the last few months. Not because things are happening. This
• 1:44
  is about people who are going to buy rare items compulsively from supermarkets this non
• 1:49
  - people buying touring oil only in huge amounts for fear of war, that
• 1:55
  of course, better against fear than sunflower oil. Right, last night,
• 2:07
  my daughter had a field shift at 3: 00 in the morning. Ah
• 2:09
  gets up oh what happens honey, oh that there is a monster that wants
• 2:13
  to eat me calmed her down with oil of fira alone and fixing clear took
• 2:25
  away the fear, obviously, and now surely that monster won' t want
• 2:30
  to eat that shit for the afe and I tell you, my daughter is
• 2:34
  to eat it. Well, you know what I mean, I don'
• 2:38
  t mean what you' re doing in your house with 30 liters of sunflower
• 2:42
  oil. Because remember that there was also a crazy move to buy tons of
• 2:46
  toilet paper, which since 1 847 is what we used to wipe our asses.
• 2:52
  I don' t know if you knew that fact, but not seriously
• 2:58
  what you' re doing with thirty hygenic aper cells, so man, inside
• 3:01
  how crazy he is with time and Kiwis gives him a way out, no,
• 3:08
  but sunflower oil. It' s not like I' m packing up.
• 3:12
  If there is a possible and more than likely nuclear holocaute. You say,
• 3:16
  but you want to put on a bunker or a churrería asshole. What
• 3:20
  are you doing? What are you doing, that you doubt this thing about
• 3:28
  buying things as very concrete, because they are also very concrete things, not
• 3:31
  concrete things, buying them as if there was no tomorrow. It' s
• 3:35
  a sociological, psychological phenomenon called the gregarious compulsive feeling. We were going to
• 3:40
  learn a lot tonight. It' s about human beings doing things by imitating
• 3:47
  what we see in others, without asking why. And I want to believe
• 3:52
  that all this is always started by someone joking, that is, there is
• 3:57
  someone at home who is seeing, for example, the Living Red. If
• 3:59
  you don' t know, the Vivo Red is a more current program that
• 4:01
  they do in the mornings on a television and is taken today with a lot
• 4:08
  of intensity. Maybe. If you want and there' s a gentleman named
• 4:12
  Ferreras who asks you for a headline every twenty seconds or so with the background
• 4:15
  music of the avengers all the fuck that happens to me and I go there
• 4:18
  he tells me to give me a headline and I say a headline. I
• 4:20
  ' m not going to give you a shit, because you' re generating
• 4:25
  me with this music aggressiveness, because I think there' s someone who'
• 4:28
  s in his house seeing that in the bright red something kind is twisting.
• 4:31
  Inflation has gone up zero two, a putin has mounted a horse and I
• 4:36
  see a disturbance by the force of the joker and he goes to a supermarket
• 4:40
  and he says you will see the mess and then he gets there picks a
• 4:45
  random thing and fills his car with that thing randomly and then goes to the
• 4:48
  tail. And then he' s in line with his car and the lady
• 4:50
  who' s next door suddenly looks at him and says uy paco who takes
• 4:57
  the car full of colonies of Bustamante eye and the lady says fuck, because
• 5:02
  I' m going to take ten boats also in case that goes in,
• 5:08
  in fact, waterfall and it' s the first and only time that Bustamante
• 5:11
  has managed to be bestsellers in his fucking life. You don' t understand
• 5:16
  no pregary compulsive feeling. I also tell you it is healthier to cook with
• 5:21
  the colony of Bustamante and with sunflower oil. Hey. What I do,
• 5:26
  which is that I' m watching a lot of audiovisual content in Russian just
• 5:31
  in case you basically juport in Russian. Hey, we freaked out that I
• 5:35
  saw him before, too, but he used to take out my cuckoo and
• 5:38
  now he took out a notebook. I take notes. It' s different.
• 5:41
  It' s the other way. It' s passive. It'
• 5:45
  s passive. It' s thanks against all odds, because for what I
• 5:47
  see in the videos I thought it was something else, but it' s
• 5:51
  not passive. It' s thanks. She' s active. Thank you
• 5:55
  very much, I guess, I don' t know, it' s
• 5:58
  all going very fast. It' s going so fast. It' s
• 5:59
  hard for me, it' s hard for me to think about the pandemic.
• 6:00
  You remember the pandemic, that is, the pandemic. Nobody remembers the
• 6:04
  pandemic. We hear it happened, it was serious, but no one remembers
• 6:10
  the pandemic anymore. It' s how baby I told her. You know,
• 6:15
  with a small difference, it' s that the pandemic killed millions of
• 6:17
  people, and I didn' t tell almost anyone. I also say that
• 6:26
  I believe that in these difficult times, because we are living in difficult times,
• 6:30
  we recognize it. You' re not seeing ferrets. Not in these
• 6:33
  difficult times, we must all contribute and do a little bit with each daily
• 6:39
  gesture, as a small thing to make the world a better place. I
• 6:43
  mean, I' m telling you if you want to do it, I
• 6:46
  think it' s super cool. I say what I do. I'
• 6:48
  ve been, like, two weeks since when I park the car, just
• 6:57
  parking without even getting out of the car. If another car puts me in
• 7:00
  parallel and makes me the gesture of leaving, I leave, makes me easy.
• 7:11
  They' re such an asshole, but they' re a very good
• 7:17
  person, and then I go out there. Lord gives him the joy of
• 7:18
  his life, because that gives a lot of joy when you find a thebes
• 7:23
  hears, for see if I leave and I spend another half hour wandering around,
• 7:30
  waiting for another asshole like me to do the same. This is a
• 7:35
  little gesture. Then we can also fight for a little bigger causes. For
• 7:39
  example, we must fight for important things, for example equality, equality between
• 7:42
  men and women, equality between the rafas, but above all for equality that
• 7:46
  is not talked about. But I think it' s very important that we
• 7:51
  fight around. We have to fight for equality between yawning and fart. There
• 7:59
  ' s a lot of yawn. We live in a patriarchal yawning society.
• 8:05
  Don' t look at me like that. The yawn is allowed everything and
• 8:11
  let' s say it clearly. We' ve gotten used to it.
• 8:13
  But yawning is the most fucking disgusting thing you can do with the body is
• 8:16
  open up to everything that gives The Hole. Bigger than we have there is
• 8:22
  no one bigger than the mouth, it is to open it to everything it
• 8:28
  gives and expel our worst air that has been going through it for days.
• 8:31
  On the other hand, the fart that has been mistreated is very unfair.
• 8:39
  Farts aren' t, they' re not worse, they' re just
• 8:43
  yawns. What' s more, they' re more discreet. Surely you
• 8:45
  have never seen anyone open his anus to everything he gives to fart that he
• 8:50
  does not, for the yawn is an anus with very unpleasant teeth. No,
• 8:56
  and now some will be thinking, because there is always one who says
• 9:00
  neither bostecism nor pessimism look. You didn' t understand anything. I do
• 9:03
  not intend to rest until in the world of work yawning and fart are treated
• 9:09
  the same and if you, in a meeting, come a yawn, you
• 9:13
  put your hand and nothing happens. In a meeting, you can do it
• 9:18
  with your hand up your ass and nothing happens. What' s more,
• 9:24
  I won' t rest and you' re my fight today that I transferred
• 9:30
  you until in a meeting the fart is contagious too and we go into some
• 9:39
  kind of woo and break the glass ceiling with our ass. Thanks anyway,
• 9:43
  the important things. That said, there shouldn' t be an obvious sign
• 9:56
  that sounded in our brain when we' re saying something you' ve been
• 10:00
  able to cancel us for. You know on the roads, when you drive
• 10:05
  and you get a little out of the lane there' s a line on
• 10:09
  the ground that sounds ta. Ta Ta? Ta? Ta? Ta?
• 10:09
  Ta? TA? PPP then just like you' re not talking and suddenly
• 10:13
  you say for equality. Must we fight between fart and yawning For Pa,
• 10:18
  Pa, Pa, Pa, Pa, Pa? As you know it'
• 10:22
  s a you know it' s a way you' re in a conversation,
• 10:26
  so man, I don' t care, but I think the transsexuals
• 10:28
  potato ta ta? Ta? Ta? Ta? Ta? Ta, I
• 10:30
  kind of tipped you off, it' s like you' re gonna get
• 10:33
  off the road and you' re gonna get up your ass. Potato tata,
• 10:35
  no. No. I have a lot of gay friends potato tata,
• 10:39
  so in the head of vertinos erares it sounded all the time. Pa.
• 10:43
  Pa? Pa? Pa? Pa? Pa? Pa? Pa? Pa?
• 10:43
  Pa? Pa? Pa? Pa? Pa? Pa? This would
• 10:46
  be the thing. He doesn' t hear. I' m thinking you
• 10:54
  guys know my name. My name is Pereasnar, but I don' t
• 10:56
  know what you call yourselves. And this is very important to communicate to the
• 11:00
  three of us. I' d like you all to shout your name at
• 11:03
  once. Don' t worry, because I' m super capable of ignoring
• 11:07
  you all at the same time it' s worth three and your name is
• 11:11
  worth a two three. Okay, and now I' m asking you who
• 11:18
  invented the names, no fucking idea. You' re clear who makes you
• 11:22
  call, I don' t know, man I didn' t stay.
• 11:24
  Who makes you call, Antonio, you call, Lucia, you call,
• 11:26
  Mari Carmen and I call me Perez, because you don' t know.
• 11:31
  What we do know is what we called ourselves. At first we called ourselves
• 11:37
  what we called ourselves in the caverns. Humans have been here for a while,
• 11:41
  and the truth is getting noticed. But in the beginning our name was
• 11:43
  neither Pere, nor Lucia, nor Maricarmen, nor José Antonio. Our name
• 11:46
  was clear, that is, you came to the cavern, which is not
• 11:54
  a bar but a house. It' s called a bar, but you
• 11:58
  didn' t take you to a friend' s cavern and you said how
• 12:05
  nice, man, that you came. I' m here with m is
• 12:09
  also coming after no, and then we' ll meet B. And then
• 12:15
  there was a problem, because if there were two that were called B,
• 12:18
  you had to put a second sound. No, no, no, but
• 12:20
  it' s not B that' s the last name that gave birth to
• 12:26
  the last names. You like it better than aznar, which is mine the
• 12:28
  truth and this, which seems silly is forgive me, but we' re
• 12:33
  learning a lot tonight. This is what makes us connect to our first sho,
• 12:39
  because if any of you go down the street, joice eh, you
• 12:41
  turn to it, because thousands of years ago you called yourself eh. He
• 12:48
  uh. What? What? Anyway, what else, oh yeah I'
• 12:54
  m an alcoholic. Uh, let' s see, I' ve been
• 13:09
  drinking for a year, two months and thirteen days and seven hours, but
• 13:13
  who' s counting. I don' t get it wrong, I mean,
• 13:18
  I usually get it right. But today I' ve been brought to
• 13:18
  a bar by the sons of Bitch and I' ve got fifty- seven
• 13:22
  bottles behind me. Yeah, I counted them on the corner of my eye.
• 13:24
  I can tell you what' s left. Each one now I don
• 13:28
  ' t drink, uh, now I' ve changed alcohol for walking every
• 13:31
  time I feel like drinking ando. And because of you today, I'
• 13:33
  ll make my way to Santiago tonight. True I explain because I believe that
• 13:39
  I firmly believe that everything that happens to us as children affects us as adults.
• 13:43
  I mean, I think if you' re a kid that you study
• 13:45
  in the maristas and there' s a marista brother that when you' re
• 13:48
  sitting in your desk, he always comes in the back and puts his penis
• 13:54
  here on your shoulder, like your shoulder is an ashtray and your penis is
• 13:56
  a cigarette. If that happens very often, I think over the years,
• 14:01
  because the most normal thing is that you in the end, because you'
• 14:03
  re a smoker. Not that I was there for you, but I'
• 14:11
  m an alcoholic of my fucking child It turns out I was in the hospital
• 14:16
  when I was seven, because suddenly, for no reason, I was giving
• 14:22
  blood to sixty- five degrees that I think of now. When they tell
• 14:24
  me, I say how they knew the exact temperature. There was a nurse
• 14:30
  in the lake, a thermometer of m or maybe the doctor was like a
• 14:33
  teacher for it. I used to say this one' s hot. Well,
• 14:37
  the thing is, I had blood coming out of my genitals and I
• 14:39
  had a really bad lumbar area that I thought about when I was seven.
• 14:43
  Well, finally, it was a pretty fucked- up kidney infection and when
• 14:50
  it was over, I got cured and when I was discharged, I was
• 14:54
  told two very important things that have marked the rest of my life. First,
• 14:58
  I had to remove from my diet the cheese that looks like it'
• 15:00
  s his non- marital kidney. We' re going to learn a lot
• 15:05
  tonight and the other one told me for the rest of your days you have
• 15:07
  to drink a lot of liquid. And I' m an alcoholic because they
• 15:13
  didn' t specify the fucking doctors. I don' t know about you,
• 15:16
  but I didn' t applaud you. I didn' t applaud,
• 15:16
  eh. I have a grudge. That' s where I' ve applauded
• 15:24
  more of Baby Ponte than the total doctors I' ve been an alcoholic,
• 15:30
  but now I' m not, although now that I think about it,
• 15:33
  Auntie if we' re going to die, because I eat your ass for
• 15:33
  a shot of jager. Right now, uh, it' s no joke.
• 15:35
  I' m holding on super well. I' m holding on very
• 15:39
  well, and that world is making it very difficult for us. I think
• 15:43
  I watch TV and all that, and I' m saying that this is
• 15:45
  doing everything to get me back to drinking eh he' s more selfish.
• 15:48
  But, well, there are also economic interests there that I was moving many
• 15:52
  sectors, uh the world of col la dope, then junk food. I
• 15:56
  mean, I moved a lot of things you imagine that suddenly I send all
• 15:58
  the shit to you and I get home drunk today with a turulo and I
• 16:03
  find my daughter, Dad what happens me, fuck me what I know takes
• 16:07
  feite of touring will you and sleeps fucking girl for what you earn with absthemia.
• 16:12
  After this time I haven' t had a drink, the main thing
• 16:17
  and what I' ve been most excited about is that since I don'
• 16:21
  t drink, I' ve gained in lucidity. You know, it'
• 16:23
  s for the best, the best thing about quitting alcohol. It' s
• 16:26
  lucidity and then don' t throw up on my daughter while she opens the
• 16:30
  Christmas presents. That' s cool, too. But above all lucidity,
• 16:33
  because lucidity, above all it gives you is that it allows you to ask
• 16:37
  the right questions. And the right question to ask is whether there really would
• 16:45
  be a real danger that we would die, if there really was a real
• 16:52
  danger that a nuclear war would fall on our heads. If that was true,
• 17:00
  if we had to get out of our homes quickly and you could only
• 17:06
  take one thing, what would it be that it wouldn' t be sunflower
• 17:12
  oil kids, then no, then that friends. Thank you very much.
• 17:15
  You' re a fantastic audience. My name is Aznar.