Latest / Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud / S2 Ep22: Savage Squire: Half an Hour of Heat 🤣.

Transcript

S2 Ep22: Savage Squire: Half an Hour of Heat 🤣. · Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_01: Nobody thinks about the real winner of the participation trophy.
• 0:03
  SPEAKER_01: It's the guys that own the trophy shop.
• 0:06
  SPEAKER_01: Right?
• 0:07
  SPEAKER_01: Think of how hard it was to own a trophy shop before they had participation trophies.
• 0:12
  SPEAKER_01: I imagine there were brothers, one of them was stressed out all the time, the other one's just drunk all the time, and the stressed-out brother's like, man, things aren't going good.
• 0:23
  SPEAKER_01: We're selling like four trophies a year.
• 0:27
  SPEAKER_01: And then the drunk brother's just like, well, just give everybody a trophy for showing up.
• 0:34
  SPEAKER_01: And now those guys own yachts.
• 0:36
  SPEAKER_02: So gentlemen, thank you, thank you so much.
• 1:01
  SPEAKER_01: Thank you.
• 1:04
  SPEAKER_01: Sorry, I'm not moving too good.
• 1:05
  SPEAKER_01: I'm a little uh like in pain because uh it was leg day.
• 1:10
  SPEAKER_01: Tomorrow I think I'm gonna do wings.
• 1:17
  SPEAKER_01: No, it's cool.
• 1:18
  SPEAKER_01: I didn't want to be here either.
• 1:19
  SPEAKER_01: Uh I didn't, I I wanted to be a professional athlete when I was a kid, but I got bullied out of it by this dude named Dad.
• 1:33
  SPEAKER_01: Because I played basketball when I was a kid, and one time I played one-on-one against a kid that only had one hand and he beat me.
• 1:41
  SPEAKER_01: And I didn't have the type of dad that's like, if you just believe in yourself and work your hardest, there's nothing that can stop you.
• 1:46
  SPEAKER_00: You'll make it all the way to the top.
• 1:48
  SPEAKER_00: No, my dad was like, Do you see why I don't like going to your games?
• 1:56
  SPEAKER_00: It's embarrassing.
• 1:58
  SPEAKER_00: He's going left.
• 2:06
  SPEAKER_01: Actually, don't clap for that one, that's ableist.
• 2:13
  SPEAKER_01: My dad got mad at me when I was a kid for getting a participation trophy.
• 2:18
  SPEAKER_01: People act like those are new.
• 2:19
  SPEAKER_01: I got one in the 80s.
• 2:20
  SPEAKER_01: I played soccer at the end of the season, they gave me a trophy, and my dad goes, You didn't earn that.
• 2:28
  SPEAKER_01: I was like, Yeah, I'm six.
• 2:29
  SPEAKER_01: I've never earned anything.
• 2:30
  SPEAKER_01: Like, I'm not a newsie.
• 2:35
  SPEAKER_01: I don't get that though.
• 2:36
  SPEAKER_01: People get so mad about the participation trophies.
• 2:39
  SPEAKER_01: I got them.
• 2:39
  SPEAKER_01: It didn't give me any confidence.
• 2:41
  SPEAKER_01: And I think it's because I wet the bed until I was 14 years old.
• 2:46
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 2:46
  SPEAKER_01: And then a few years in my 30s when I was going through a divorce drinking a lot.
• 2:54
  SPEAKER_01: And my parents tried to help me not wet the bed.
• 2:56
  SPEAKER_01: Well, my mom tried to help me not wet the bed.
• 2:58
  SPEAKER_01: I don't know if my dad knew that I wet the bed.
• 3:01
  SPEAKER_01: There were five kids in our family, and he wasn't like the dad that knew about his kids.
• 3:05
  SPEAKER_01: Like he never went to a doctor's appointment or like a school meeting.
• 3:09
  SPEAKER_01: He was just like, Sue, this one smells weird.
• 3:14
  SPEAKER_01: Put him in the back of the van.
• 3:19
  SPEAKER_01: Got Rose Apart.
• 3:28
  SPEAKER_01: But my mom, she took me to a doctor, and the doctor told me that what I should do to try and stop wetting the bed is sucking my belly a bunch of times, and that should strengthen my pelvic floor, and then maybe I'll be able to hold my urine through the night.
• 3:42
  SPEAKER_01: So basically, at eight years old, the doctor was like, do some kegels, see what happens.
• 3:50
  SPEAKER_01: And it didn't work.
• 3:51
  SPEAKER_01: I still wet the bed, but boy, is my pussy tight.
• 4:02
  SPEAKER_01: Gotta start young, right, ladies?
• 4:06
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 4:06
  SPEAKER_01: Now, ladies, if you've been doing your keegels, clap without using your hands.
• 4:16
  SPEAKER_01: There's some curtains.
• 4:22
  SPEAKER_01: So that didn't work.
• 4:23
  SPEAKER_01: So my mom had to figure out something to do to stop me from wetting the bed, and she couldn't stop me, so she just made me wear diapers to bed.
• 4:29
  SPEAKER_01: That's all she could think of.
• 4:30
  SPEAKER_01: Like she just like I was a small kid, so I fit the largest size pamper, and she made me wear that to bed, and then that was it.
• 4:37
  SPEAKER_01: Then she's like, be proud of who you are, and don't let anybody make you feel like you're less than.
• 4:41
  SPEAKER_01: And then she sent me off to sleepovers and camp, and I got bullied relentlessly.
• 4:46
  SPEAKER_01: Because yeah, it's okay.
• 4:47
  SPEAKER_01: Even if the kids didn't see the diaper, they could still hear it.
• 4:53
  SPEAKER_01: Diapers are so loud.
• 4:56
  SPEAKER_01: And the ironic thing, the only way to get a diaper to be quiet is to get it wet.
• 5:06
  SPEAKER_01: So kids would find out about my diaper and then they'd bully me.
• 5:09
  SPEAKER_01: They'd be like, oh, well, you gotta wear a diaper.
• 5:11
  SPEAKER_01: What are you, little piss baby?
• 5:12
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, piss baby's gotta wear a diaper.
• 5:15
  SPEAKER_01: That's what they called me, piss baby.
• 5:17
  SPEAKER_01: And in 2023, if I was a kid that wet the bed, I'd still get bullied.
• 5:23
  SPEAKER_01: There's no advocacy group for bed wetters.
• 5:27
  SPEAKER_01: Right?
• 5:27
  SPEAKER_01: There's no hashtag.
• 5:30
  SPEAKER_01: Right?
• 5:31
  SPEAKER_01: There's no parade.
• 5:34
  SPEAKER_01: There's no flag, and it'd be the easiest flag to make.
• 5:37
  SPEAKER_01: White, yellow spot.
• 5:38
  SPEAKER_01: I made them all the time.
• 5:47
  SPEAKER_01: But no, nothing like that.
• 5:48
  SPEAKER_01: So I just got bullied.
• 5:50
  SPEAKER_01: But then there's one kid, he had an older brother, he pulled me aside one day, and he's like, dude, don't worry about it.
• 5:55
  SPEAKER_01: I used to wet the bed.
• 5:56
  SPEAKER_01: When I hit puberty, that's when it stopped.
• 5:58
  SPEAKER_01: So I got very excited about puberty.
• 6:00
  SPEAKER_01: And in fifth grade, they did sex ed.
• 6:02
  SPEAKER_01: I don't know how they did it in your school, but in our school, they did it like this: boys go in one room, girls go in one another room, and then uh they turn off all the lights.
• 6:12
  SPEAKER_01: But before that, all the boys are like 11, 12 years old, like, we don't need this.
• 6:17
  SPEAKER_01: We already know everything there is to know about sex.
• 6:19
  SPEAKER_01: We're all having sex all the time.
• 6:21
  SPEAKER_01: Very cocky 11-year-olds.
• 6:24
  SPEAKER_01: And then they turn the lights off and turn on the overhead projector and show us that diagram of a woman's reproductive system that looks like the sloth from Ice Age.
• 6:39
  SPEAKER_01: And we're all like, are we horny right now?
• 6:42
  SPEAKER_01: Because this is weird.
• 6:43
  SPEAKER_01: I think I didn't know there was gonna be so many tubes.
• 6:50
  SPEAKER_01: But then there was the cool kid, he knew more about sex than what they taught us in class.
• 6:55
  SPEAKER_01: He knew about like oral sex and anal sex and what it felt like.
• 7:02
  SPEAKER_01: And then 30 years later, you try and write a joke about it, and you're like, oh no, something happened to Brad.
• 7:20
  SPEAKER_01: We all thought he was bragging, turns out it was a cry for help.
• 7:23
  SPEAKER_01: We're like, you're the coolest Brad.
• 7:27
  SPEAKER_01: And he's like, I don't like going to Scouts.
• 7:34
  SPEAKER_01: It's alright, he got a huge settlement, he's killing it now.
• 7:39
  SPEAKER_01: So I was all pumped for puberty, but I was a late bloomer.
• 7:42
  SPEAKER_01: I didn't get any puberty when I was 11.
• 7:44
  SPEAKER_01: When I was 12, still nothing.
• 7:46
  SPEAKER_01: 13, nada, and then 14, things started happening.
• 7:52
  SPEAKER_01: I got a few hairs under my arms, I got one hair on my balls that I protected with my life.
• 8:01
  SPEAKER_01: I was like, I can't have my balls going back to looking like Caillou.
• 8:04
  SPEAKER_01: I need at least a Charlie Brown.
• 8:10
  SPEAKER_01: And then it happened.
• 8:11
  SPEAKER_01: I stopped wetting the bed.
• 8:13
  SPEAKER_01: I went like two weeks without wetting the bed, and it's the first time in my life that I felt confidence.
• 8:19
  SPEAKER_01: And this happens to a lot of people in their teenage years.
• 8:21
  SPEAKER_01: They kind of figure out what they're doing, where they're going with life.
• 8:24
  SPEAKER_01: Like I had a cousin when he was a year older than me, 15 years old, he won a state championship in wrestling, and that made him feel confident.
• 8:32
  SPEAKER_01: LeBron James, when he was 16 years old, was on the cover of Sports Illustrated magazine.
• 8:39
  SPEAKER_01: And when I was 14 years old, I was like, pfft, I don't gotta wear diapers anymore.
• 8:48
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 8:56
  SPEAKER_01: Different accomplishments, same exact feeling.
• 9:02
  SPEAKER_01: So I stopped wearing a diaper, but I didn't tell anybody, I just stopped doing it.
• 9:06
  SPEAKER_01: And then we went, yeah.
• 9:10
  SPEAKER_01: Then we went on a road trip as a family, and that night we stayed in a motel, and I was sleeping on the pullout couch, you know, the little thin mattress with the bar that goes down the middle that gives you scoliosis immediately.
• 9:24
  SPEAKER_01: And that night I think I peed more pee than anybody's ever peed in their entire life.
• 9:30
  SPEAKER_01: Absolutely, it filled up the whole mattress and was dripping through.
• 9:35
  SPEAKER_01: I know, and I'm not telling you that to try and gross you out.
• 9:38
  SPEAKER_01: I'm telling you that because when my mom saw it, she was like, Billy, why didn't you wear your diaper?
• 9:47
  SPEAKER_01: But remember, I have all this newfound confidence that I don't know how to wield, so I was like, don't worry about it, mom.
• 9:54
  SPEAKER_01: I've gone through puberty.
• 9:57
  SPEAKER_01: That's not P.
• 10:09
  SPEAKER_01: Then my mom had to explain to me that when you have a wet dream, not that much stuff comes out.
• 10:21
  SPEAKER_01: Any of your moms ever tell you you didn't come?
• 10:33
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 10:36
  SPEAKER_01: Listen, it's not better.
• 10:38
  SPEAKER_01: It's not better if they told you you did.
• 10:40
  SPEAKER_01: Like, that's not.
• 10:43
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, that was so much, sweetheart.
• 10:47
  SPEAKER_01: So many ropes.
• 10:51
  SPEAKER_01: That's a lose-lose situation.
• 10:55
  SPEAKER_01: But that's not what my mom said.
• 10:57
  SPEAKER_01: She didn't say anything like that.
• 10:58
  SPEAKER_01: My mom is a very religious lady.
• 10:59
  SPEAKER_01: The way my mom explained it to me was very simple and sweet, and all she said was, Billy, that's not how the magic happens.
• 11:09
  SPEAKER_01: And I didn't think anything of that, because you never know how phrases are gonna stick into your mind, though.
• 11:14
  SPEAKER_01: And so a few years later, I was watching a show on uh MTV called Cribs, and Snoop Dogg was showing off his bedroom, and he walks in and he points to his bed and he says, This is where the magic happens.
• 11:32
  SPEAKER_01: And I got a boner that I'm still not okay with.
• 11:37
  SPEAKER_01: Because I don't know what that means.
• 11:40
  SPEAKER_01: It's been rattling around in my head for a long time, and I don't want to unlock that box because there's a fetish in there that honestly, if I unlock it, probably gonna feel real good.
• 11:53
  SPEAKER_01: But I don't want to because it's either about Snoop Dogg or my mom or piss or all three, and I hate that.
• 12:00
  SPEAKER_01: I hate that so much.
• 12:02
  SPEAKER_01: But do I?
• 12:06
  SPEAKER_01: Because it might be the best thing I ever do, but I can't tell you that.
• 12:11
  SPEAKER_01: People are ashamed of fetishes, that is a fetish.
• 12:15
  SPEAKER_01: It's just like people are weird about fetishes and they don't like guys get shamed all the time for their fetishes, like uh guys get shamed for being into feet, right?
• 12:24
  SPEAKER_01: Women always look, oh guts are in the feet, that's so weird, which is so hypocritical because women, you're in the feet too, uh, just six feet.
• 12:39
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, all the guys in here are over six feet, cool.
• 12:43
  SPEAKER_01: Like, not a problem for me.
• 12:44
  SPEAKER_01: You guys never heard out of a dating app where a woman's like, oh, gotta be six feet tall if you want some of this.
• 12:50
  SPEAKER_01: Like, okay.
• 12:51
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, I am, so it's fine.
• 12:53
  SPEAKER_01: But but then they see the rest of your body and they're like, oh, there's other requirements.
• 13:04
  SPEAKER_01: But I love you, ladies.
• 13:05
  SPEAKER_01: I think you're amazing.
• 13:06
  SPEAKER_01: I think you're great.
• 13:08
  SPEAKER_01: My whole life I've heard how great you are from women, and I've bought into the hype because women always talk about how women are strong, women are smart, women are funny.
• 13:17
  SPEAKER_01: Women should run the world.
• 13:23
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 13:24
  SPEAKER_01: So, why do you get mad when we want to sleep with more than one of you?
• 13:30
  SPEAKER_01: Took the bait, you dumb bitches.
• 13:45
  SPEAKER_01: Now, I cheated on a girl one time and she got really mad, and the thing she was most mad about is that the girl that I cheated with wasn't prettier than her.
• 13:54
  SPEAKER_01: Right?
• 13:55
  SPEAKER_01: She's like, she wasn't even prettier than me.
• 13:58
  SPEAKER_01: But what's another thing that women always say?
• 14:00
  SPEAKER_01: It's what's on the inside that counts.
• 14:04
  SPEAKER_01: And inside the girl that I cheated with was no gag reflex.
• 14:08
  SPEAKER_01: So I was like, you just gotta get to know her.
• 14:21
  SPEAKER_01: And now I'm dating millennials.
• 14:23
  SPEAKER_01: I am a millennial, I'm just like the old end of the millennial spectrum, but the younger ones, uh, they like butt stuff.
• 14:29
  SPEAKER_01: Like that's a thing.
• 14:31
  SPEAKER_01: Like, butts are on the table.
• 14:34
  SPEAKER_01: My butt, their butt, butts get touched.
• 14:37
  SPEAKER_01: And I know there's there's a lot of guys like, oh, no girl's gonna touch my butt.
• 14:41
  SPEAKER_01: My butt's exit only.
• 14:43
  SPEAKER_01: No one's sticking a finger up my butt.
• 14:46
  SPEAKER_01: But it's like, come on, you never climbed up a slide?
• 14:54
  SPEAKER_01: Right?
• 14:55
  SPEAKER_01: You never went the wrong way up an escalator.
• 14:58
  SPEAKER_01: Like, all I'm saying is sometimes going the wrong way can be kind of fun.
• 15:02
  SPEAKER_01: All right.
• 15:04
  SPEAKER_01: Like, if they get in there and push that button, hey.
• 15:11
  SPEAKER_01: Now, if they do it wrong, it just feels like you're pooping fingers, and I like that, but yeah, I said fingers, I'm a slut.
• 15:25
  SPEAKER_01: Uh a lot of guys want a bigger dick.
• 15:38
  SPEAKER_01: I don't want my dick to be bigger.
• 15:41
  SPEAKER_01: I just want it to vibrate.
• 15:44
  SPEAKER_01: That's that's all I want.
• 15:48
  SPEAKER_01: Cause I I know what my dick does, and it's eh.
• 15:53
  SPEAKER_01: That's what, like, I don't mind using a vibrator with a girl.
• 15:57
  SPEAKER_01: Like, I was hooking up with this one girl once, and I used a vibrator on her, and she made a noise like, ooh.
• 16:05
  SPEAKER_01: And the only way I could get a girl to make that noise with my body is if I actually knocked the wind out of her.
• 16:14
  SPEAKER_01: Like if I pushed her too high on a swing and she fell on her back.
• 16:19
  SPEAKER_01: And she's like, ooh.
• 16:21
  SPEAKER_01: And I'm like, did you come?
• 16:33
  SPEAKER_01: But they don't make like an implant you can put.
• 16:36
  SPEAKER_01: I don't want like a cock ring that just you put it like and take it off and have to wash it and stuff.
• 16:40
  SPEAKER_01: I don't want that.
• 16:41
  SPEAKER_01: I want like an implant, but they don't make that.
• 16:43
  SPEAKER_01: So I'm just gonna jerk off with Michael J.
• 16:44
  SPEAKER_01: Fox's blood till I get shaky.
• 16:57
  SPEAKER_01: I know.
• 17:02
  SPEAKER_01: That's the moment where people have to make a decision.
• 17:04
  SPEAKER_01: There's are we are we here or are we not?
• 17:07
  SPEAKER_01: You're here, okay?
• 17:09
  SPEAKER_01: And I get a lot of stuff for my jokes, like a lot of people that'll be like, they'll see my jokes online, they'll be like, oh, I don't like dirty comedy.
• 17:17
  SPEAKER_01: I like clean comedy.
• 17:18
  SPEAKER_01: It's actually harder to do clean comedy, and I disagree because when you do dirty comedy, people say things like, I only like clean comedy, and then I have to resist murdering them.
• 17:34
  SPEAKER_01: And that's really hard.
• 17:37
  SPEAKER_01: Also, when you do dirty comedy and somebody says, I only like clean comedy, you have to fuck their mom.
• 17:46
  SPEAKER_01: You have to fuck their mom in their mom's big red pussy.
• 17:54
  SPEAKER_01: Red like one of those old hot water bottles, just that's a vibrant word picture.
• 18:11
  SPEAKER_01: So anyway, I'm single.
• 18:12
  SPEAKER_01: Uh I get into a lot of trouble with ladies because uh you do things that drive me crazy, and I just tell you that they drive me crazy.
• 18:23
  SPEAKER_01: Uh like I like when you wear baggy pants more than we wear tight pants, ladies.
• 18:27
  SPEAKER_01: And a lot of guys like tight pants.
• 18:29
  SPEAKER_01: I like baggy pants because they fall right to the floor.
• 18:33
  SPEAKER_01: Tight pants, when you take them off the first time you take them off, you take them off all sexy.
• 18:37
  SPEAKER_01: You like bend over at the waist and just kind of wiggle out of them.
• 18:40
  SPEAKER_01: It's all hot and your ass is out.
• 18:42
  SPEAKER_01: But every time after that, when you take off tight pants, you just stomp on them.
• 18:47
  SPEAKER_01: Like a toddler.
• 18:57
  SPEAKER_01: Then you get into bed, you're like, are you ready?
• 18:59
  SPEAKER_01: No.
• 19:02
  SPEAKER_01: Well, why not?
• 19:03
  SPEAKER_01: Because it looked like you just welcome me to Munchkin Land as a member of the Lollipop Guild.
• 19:16
  SPEAKER_01: Another thing that uh happens in relationships is women will tell me their problems.
• 19:26
  SPEAKER_01: And then I tell them how they can solve those problems.
• 19:34
  SPEAKER_01: You're not supposed to do that.
• 19:37
  SPEAKER_01: Women don't like their problems solved.
• 19:39
  SPEAKER_01: Women like to treat their problems like they're on hoarders, like, no, I need these.
• 19:55
  SPEAKER_01: I don't get that, because if someone can solve my problem, let's solve it.
• 19:59
  SPEAKER_01: Also, if I have a problem and I don't want someone to solve it, I don't tell them.
• 20:08
  SPEAKER_01: Like if I have a flat tire, I don't call up my friend and be like, hey man, I got a flat tire.
• 20:12
  SPEAKER_01: He's like, Do you need help with your flat tire?
• 20:14
  SPEAKER_01: I'm like, no, I don't need help with my flat tire.
• 20:20
  SPEAKER_01: I just need you to know that I have a flat tire.
• 20:37
  SPEAKER_01: But I am a nice guy, I'll buy you tampons, I don't care.
• 20:43
  SPEAKER_01: I bought a lot of tampons, and there's I know there's some guys that are weird about buying tampons for a lady, like, I don't know what to get, I don't know what's going on down there.
• 20:50
  SPEAKER_01: I'll buy your tampons, but you gotta be careful what store you're at because they have a different lineup at different stores.
• 20:56
  SPEAKER_01: Like if you're a health food store, you gotta read the whole box.
• 21:01
  SPEAKER_01: Because you never heard of that brand, and you'll end up being like, I got you tampons, and they open the box and it's a pine cone.
• 21:11
  SPEAKER_01: Oh I don't know what it is about like health food or like just like all natural organic companies, but they always have to put a screed on the back of the box about how that company came to be.
• 21:26
  SPEAKER_01: Like regular companies don't do that.
• 21:28
  SPEAKER_01: Like, Doritos doesn't have an about me.
• 21:31
  SPEAKER_01: So it's like my grandpa, Jim Dorito, wanted everybody to have orange fingers and be obese.
• 21:45
  SPEAKER_01: So I bought tampons for this one girl one time.
• 21:48
  SPEAKER_01: I was at a health food store and I got this uh company called the Honey Pot.
• 21:53
  SPEAKER_01: Uh so yeah.
• 21:55
  SPEAKER_01: So I'm gonna read you about me from the honey pot.
• 21:59
  SPEAKER_01: This is a real Company, we might have to cut this from the album.
• 22:05
  SPEAKER_01: But I'm gonna do it anyway.
• 22:09
  SPEAKER_01: So this is uh by B.
• 22:10
  SPEAKER_01: Dixon, the CEO and co-founder of the Honeypot.
• 22:15
  SPEAKER_01: She said, I was suffering with bacterial vaginosis for eight months.
• 22:27
  SPEAKER_01: Eight months, suffering.
• 22:31
  SPEAKER_01: Not perturbed, not annoyed, suffering.
• 22:36
  SPEAKER_01: For eight months.
• 22:38
  SPEAKER_01: That's almost a whole baby's worth of bacterial vaginosis.
• 22:42
  SPEAKER_01: You can't even get rid of that in some states anymore.
• 22:45
  SPEAKER_01: You gotta carry it to term.
• 22:46
  SPEAKER_01: That bacterial vaginosis has a soul.
• 22:55
  SPEAKER_01: Also, let's not gloss over how funny a word vaginosis is.
• 23:01
  SPEAKER_01: Sounds like you're hypnotized by a vagina, which, guys, we've all been there, right?
• 23:06
  SPEAKER_01: Like, yeah, I'll get you the Taylor Swift tickets.
• 23:13
  SPEAKER_01: But vaginosis could also be like a psychedelic girl power band, like, we are vaginosis, and we're bringing down the patriarchy with the power of funk.
• 23:28
  SPEAKER_01: Funk means two things in that joke.
• 23:33
  SPEAKER_01: So I was suffering bacterial vaginosis for eight months when an ancestor came to me in a dream and gifted me with a vision to heal myself.
• 23:41
  SPEAKER_01: So basically, her vagina was having such a bad time that a ghost is like, hey, what are you doing?
• 23:51
  SPEAKER_01: I imagine that ghost was like, I gotta do what to get my angel wings?
• 23:54
  SPEAKER_01: Good God.
• 24:05
  SPEAKER_01: With her help, I created the honeypot to solve for what other brands wouldn't.
• 24:09
  SPEAKER_01: Feminine care powered by herbs.
• 24:12
  SPEAKER_01: I want to see that episode of Shark Tank.
• 24:19
  SPEAKER_01: Right?
• 24:20
  SPEAKER_01: She comes in.
• 24:21
  SPEAKER_01: Hey sharks, I'm B Dixon, the CEO and co-founder of the Honeypot.
• 24:25
  SPEAKER_01: My other co-founder couldn't be here today because she exists on an astral plane.
• 24:33
  SPEAKER_01: But anyway, what happened was uh I got a little Becky Veggie for eight months, and I was suffering.
• 24:46
  SPEAKER_01: And then a ghost came and staged my pussy, and I'm all better.
• 24:52
  SPEAKER_01: I would like one million dollars for a 10% investment.
• 24:59
  SPEAKER_01: And I think she'd get it.
• 25:00
  SPEAKER_01: I think she'd get it from my favorite shark, Damon John.
• 25:04
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 25:05
  SPEAKER_01: If you don't know who Damon John is, he's a guy that in the 90s invented a fashion line called FUBU for us by us is hip-hop clothing wear for black people.
• 25:15
  SPEAKER_01: And then fans of the insane clown posse were like, oh, we're gonna wear that.
• 25:25
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 25:26
  SPEAKER_01: Wiggers love foo-boo.
• 25:30
  SPEAKER_01: And listen, I know I probably shouldn't say that word.
• 25:33
  SPEAKER_01: Like, I would never use the N-word, but like the only person that's ever oppressed a Wigger is a responsible parent.
• 25:44
  SPEAKER_01: That's Foo Boo, that's for us by us.
• 25:46
  SPEAKER_01: We're not us, we're them, we wear dockers.
• 25:53
  SPEAKER_01: But I think Damon John would bring back Foo Boo and turn it into a woman's product line, and it'd still be Foo Boo, but before uterus, buy Uterus.
• 26:05
  SPEAKER_01: Alright, that went okay.
• 26:06
  SPEAKER_01: Nobody likes that joke.
• 26:07
  SPEAKER_01: Nobody likes that joke.
• 26:08
  SPEAKER_01: It's a too, it's too hard to follow that with the do the wicker stuff and then the foo boo.
• 26:14
  SPEAKER_01: But that went well enough.
• 26:16
  SPEAKER_01: I love Shark Tank, by the way.
• 26:17
  SPEAKER_01: It's a great show.
• 26:19
  SPEAKER_01: I wish they made Shark Tank at the beginning of time.
• 26:24
  SPEAKER_01: When they were just kind of like coming up with everything.
• 26:29
  SPEAKER_01: You go on Shark Tank and you're like, hey Sharks, we're gonna get things rolling.
• 26:34
  SPEAKER_01: That'll make sense in a second.
• 26:38
  SPEAKER_01: The wheel.
• 26:42
  SPEAKER_01: Alright.
• 26:43
  SPEAKER_01: Alright, I need your guys' help.
• 26:44
  SPEAKER_01: This is the one time we guys kind of get the yell stuff out.
• 26:47
  SPEAKER_01: So I need your help with the rest of this bit.
• 26:49
  SPEAKER_01: Alright.
• 26:49
  SPEAKER_01: Another guy comes on, like, hey sharks, you know what the best thing is?
• 26:54
  SPEAKER_01: Ripped bread.
• 26:57
  SPEAKER_01: And then they pull out a knife, and then you get sliced bread.
• 27:02
  SPEAKER_01: Very good, very good.
• 27:03
  SPEAKER_01: Not that funny, but you'll see.
• 27:07
  SPEAKER_01: Alright, sharks.
• 27:10
  SPEAKER_01: How would you like construction equipment and farm equipment that makes new construction equipment and farm equipment?
• 27:22
  SPEAKER_01: Sharks, I give you what the fuck?
• 27:30
  SPEAKER_01: No! Domesticated animals, dude! I had I had a whole thing about how like a guy just is like someone oxen was like, I can get that motherfucker to work for me, and then you just go off with slavery.
• 27:52
  SPEAKER_01: How dare no, you nailed it.
• 27:53
  SPEAKER_01: Um I just can't say it or nobody laughs, so thank you for falling on that racist grenade.
• 28:10
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, I'm glad we didn't kick him out.
• 28:12
  SPEAKER_01: I knew he was gonna come through.
• 28:13
  SPEAKER_01: I knew it.
• 28:14
  SPEAKER_01: I knew it.
• 28:15
  SPEAKER_01: I was like, if he can just be here for 40 more minutes.
• 28:23
  SPEAKER_01: Uh speaking of slavery though, I did recently go to Egypt.
• 28:30
  SPEAKER_01: Well, it's a transition.
• 28:34
  SPEAKER_01: I think if I said, hey, speaking of slavery, I went to Egypt.
• 28:38
  SPEAKER_01: There's a there's a line there that makes sense.
• 28:43
  SPEAKER_01: Anyway, I went to Egypt recently, and while I was there, I got to go to the pyramids, and uh I went into a pyramid and I got to go into a room with that they just discovered that nobody's been in since they built the pyramids.
• 28:56
  SPEAKER_01: And they gave me an app on my phone that I could use to translate the hieroglyphics on the wall of that pyramid.
• 29:04
  SPEAKER_01: And they said, Oh my god, I haven't seen you since high school.
• 29:08
  SPEAKER_01: I hope you're doing well.
• 29:11
  SPEAKER_01: Anyway, how would you like to be your own boss and make fifteen thousand dollars a month?
• 29:22
  SPEAKER_01: Pyramid schemes go all the way back, man.
• 29:24
  SPEAKER_01: I didn't know that.
• 29:31
  SPEAKER_01: And listen, listen.
• 29:34
  SPEAKER_01: If you got that joke before I said pyramid scheme, great job.
• 29:38
  SPEAKER_01: You are awesome.
• 29:39
  SPEAKER_01: If you didn't get that joke until I said pyramid scheme, see me after the show.
• 29:45
  SPEAKER_01: I got a way we can both make a lot of money.