Latest / The Leader Mentality / Leadership's Hidden Superpower: Emotional Intelligence

Transcript

Leadership's Hidden Superpower: Emotional Intelligence · The Leader Mentality

• 0:21
  Speaker 1: Welcome to the Leader Mentality Show with Rob Clemens and our special guest host, Nick DeStefano.
• 0:25
  Speaker 1: Hey, I'm back.
• 0:27
  Speaker 2: He's back.
• 0:27
  Speaker 2: He didn't kick me out yet and he's back.
• 0:30
  Speaker 1: Well, hey look, last time we started our Foundations of Leadership, and so today we're going to have another great opportunity to do that, nick, we're going to be talking about building emotional intelligence as a leader, as a leader, and the reason this is a foundational leadership is that for you, leader mentality fans out there, the reason I assume you listen to the show is not just because you're bored.
• 0:54
  Speaker 1: I'm sure there could be some of that in there.
• 0:57
  Speaker 1: But no, I believe it's because we all need a little leader infusion sometimes.
• 1:03
  Speaker 1: Sometimes we all need a little pep in the step and I believe that some of the best things that we can do when we're telling a story is to tell about the challenges, not the successes.
• 1:14
  Speaker 1: You know, if I want to sit here and talk about my company's doing this and I made this much, you know it's like wow, that's inspiring.
• 1:21
  Speaker 2: Yeah, good for you, mister, I can't do that.
• 1:23
  Speaker 1: Right, right, right, Exactly.
• 1:24
  Speaker 1: But if we can talk a little bit about the challenges of doing what we have to do, I think we can all relate with that.
• 1:30
  Speaker 1: I think we've all been to a work event where something didn't go our way.
• 1:35
  Speaker 1: Some speech didn't get received like we thought it would.
• 1:38
  Speaker 1: Absolutely, you know, maybe you're, you know you're a member of a church choir, for all I know, and you know you feel like you're the least good singer in the group and maybe you're affecting your, it's affecting your mentality whatever it is.
• 1:51
  Speaker 1: I'm using examples here, but I think that we need to look at building your emotional intelligence.
• 1:57
  Speaker 1: It's like you look, man, you know we're all going to have hard days.
• 2:02
  Speaker 1: That's the only spoil alert I have for all college students that I talk to.
• 2:06
  Speaker 1: Nick, I get invited to go speak to Coastal Carolina students once a year.
• 2:10
  Speaker 1: I've got a speaking event coming up and I'm going to go talk to a business school.
• 2:13
  Speaker 1: I always have a little takeaway for them, man, I say, hey, guys, I'm here today to talk about whatever Professor K has me talking about, but I'm going to say, hey, let me give you a little you know experience for life, like a little something, a little nugget from Rob Clemens on what you can expect in life.
• 2:30
  Speaker 1: You're going to have ups, you're going to have downs, and when it's down sometimes you feel like you're never going to see an up again.
• 2:35
  Speaker 1: And when you're up, you feel like you're right in the world and you're never going to see a down of both of them.
• 2:41
  Speaker 1: It doesn't stop.
• 2:43
  Speaker 1: It's called life man.
• 2:43
  Speaker 1: Hopefully more ups than downs.
• 2:45
  Speaker 1: Right, absolutely.
• 2:46
  Speaker 1: But I say this to say now we're going to test our emotional intelligence when everything's going nice and good, you know, it's easy to be the best of ourselves, sometimes the worst of ourselves, but you know it's easy Both, yeah.
• 2:57
  Speaker 1: But when it's down, what am I showing now?
• 3:01
  Speaker 1: And that is the.
• 3:02
  Speaker 1: So we're going to talk all about emotional intelligence today.
• 3:07
  Speaker 1: For a leader, by the way, leaders listening to the show.
• 3:10
  Speaker 1: I'm not talking about how you inspire others to see their own emotional intelligence.
• 3:14
  Speaker 1: Sure, we're talking about you.
• 3:16
  Speaker 1: This is us.
• 3:17
  Speaker 2: Remember, I'm talking about Nick DiStefano.
• 3:19
  Speaker 2: Well, hold on.
• 3:22
  Speaker 1: Don't put me in this fucking.
• 3:23
  Speaker 1: No, I want to hear your dirt man.
• 3:24
  Speaker 1: Oh man, man, we're gonna get real.
• 3:26
  Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah.
• 3:26
  Speaker 1: So I want I ate nick before the show's over.
• 3:28
  Speaker 1: I want crying coming on all the tears.
• 3:30
  Speaker 1: Yeah, this is gonna be a real tear jerker I want to pull out my rob clemens embroidered tissues like dr phil has oh, my goodness, I never know what you're gonna pull out next.
• 3:42
  Speaker 2: Listen, emotional intelligence.
• 3:43
  Speaker 2: Last time we talked about leading yourself and one of the things that I mentioned a couple of times throughout the show was just this idea of being self-aware.
• 3:52
  Speaker 2: So emotional intelligence, just like any other IQ, right, we call it our EQ, right, your level, your EQ?
• 3:58
  Speaker 2: Like, how intelligent are you when it comes to recognizing emotions in yourself, in others?
• 4:05
  Speaker 2: So there's two sides to this.
• 4:07
  Speaker 2: Right, it is being able to recognize the feelings you're having, naming them, thinking about them.
• 4:15
  Speaker 2: Talking about them, not just going oh man, I'm really upset about this, but actually like having a conversation and vocalizing it.
• 4:21
  Speaker 2: So it's this level of recognizing what I've got going on up here and in here and knowing what's inside my head and my heart, and then also being able to talk about it, and so that's this like internal piece of emotional intelligence.
• 4:34
  Speaker 2: And then there's this social piece of it, everything that's going on around me, and am I able to recognize the emotions that you might be feeling?
• 4:42
  Speaker 2: Am I aware enough of myself, to start, but then am I able to pick up what other people might be feeling in the room and go, oh man, I shouldn't have said that or how I said that probably wasn't what I meant it.
• 4:53
  Speaker 2: You know, there's times in the evening, you know, when I might be getting frustrated with my kids and my wife, right and again.
• 4:59
  Speaker 2: Maybe she needs to come on and validate some of this.
• 5:01
  Speaker 2: But, like she'll tell you that the reality is, there's times I don't recognize in myself even and I consider myself pretty emotionally intelligent that I don't recognize even how I'm saying something to my kids, in terms of how I'm, you know, trying to get them to.
• 5:14
  Speaker 2: You know, take their shower, get ready for bed.
• 5:17
  Speaker 2: And it's very easy to get in our own way when it comes to emotional intelligence because, you know, emotions are are hard, that's not easy, and a lot of times people think of like emotions, or we should keep those out of business.
• 5:29
  Speaker 2: We don't guess what.
• 5:31
  Speaker 2: If you're keeping emotions out of business, you can keep the humans out of business, because humans are real and they have emotions and they're not going to just leave them at the door when they walk in.
• 5:39
  Speaker 1: Right, right right.
• 5:40
  Speaker 2: So you've got to recognize them in yourself first, then in others.
• 5:45
  Speaker 1: Is emotional intelligence.
• 5:47
  Speaker 1: Is there any part of that?
• 5:48
  Speaker 1: I mean, how much of it is an awareness thing versus how much of it is a learned and practiced thing?
• 5:54
  Speaker 1: And what I mean is do you know what I'm saying?
• 5:56
  Speaker 1: I'm like, you know?
• 5:57
  Speaker 1: Like, because sometimes I think there's an awareness element.
• 6:00
  Speaker 1: It's like if I come in and I am just generally letting my emotion good or bad take me in a certain direction that I'm not recognizing.
• 6:08
  Speaker 1: That's an awareness issue, right?
• 6:09
  Speaker 1: Yeah?
• 6:25
  Speaker 2: And how much of it is more of a practicing thing to be to play the role of the victim.
• 6:27
  Speaker 2: And people have, have you know, given you things because they, they, you know, they, they see you consistently doing this and they don't realize that they're kind of playing into this cycle of you know.
• 6:35
  Speaker 1: Well, now we're back to defense mechanisms, like we talked about last last week.
• 6:38
  Speaker 1: You know we, you know it's like a defense mechanism.
• 6:40
  Speaker 1: It's.
• 6:40
  Speaker 1: It's helped you get to a certain point and now it's holding you back Absolutely.
• 6:44
  Speaker 2: Yeah, but you know just the idea of is it, is it learned or is it something that like?
• 6:48
  Speaker 2: Is it?
• 6:52
  Speaker 2: Is it awareness?
• 6:52
  Speaker 2: I would say, emotional intelligence is absolutely something you can improve and it is not just a you know.
• 6:55
  Speaker 2: Either you're good at it or you're not, or you know so it's like any other thing that we, you know we can grow and we can improve it.
• 7:01
  Speaker 2: It's not easy grow and we can improve it.
• 7:06
  Speaker 2: It's not easy, you know.
• 7:07
  Speaker 2: I like to say leadership is a practice, and we talked about it in the last session.
• 7:09
  Speaker 2: You know this is consistent, it's constantly working on it, you know, and I say it's a practice because it's, you know, it's like a practice or it's.
• 7:16
  Speaker 2: I also like to say it's like an art.
• 7:17
  Speaker 2: Right, you don't just get good at it overnight.
• 7:20
  Speaker 2: And the same thing comes with, you know, your own emotional intelligence.
• 7:24
  Speaker 2: I have to recognize the things that I'm good at doing when it comes to processing my emotions and also the things that happen at work or in my life that might cause me to not control my emotions as well.
• 7:36
  Speaker 2: What are the things that frustrate you as a leader If you don't know that you're not going to be very emotionally intelligent because you're going to walk into work and the same employee is going to do the same thing, not having any idea that what they're doing drives you up a wall and makes you want to throw things across the room, and if you don't ever recognize that you can't fix it?
• 7:52
  Speaker 2: You're like, why on earth is Jimmy still doing this Like?
• 7:57
  Speaker 2: But you got to recognize it and then you got to have the conversation about it.
• 8:01
  Speaker 2: It's not just enough to have the emotion and recognize it.
• 8:04
  Speaker 2: You got to talk about it.
• 8:05
  Speaker 2: You got to say listen, I don't know if you realize this is happening.
• 8:08
  Speaker 2: You may not.
• 8:10
  Speaker 2: I need to own my emotions.
• 8:12
  Speaker 2: I say often own your emotions, don't let your emotions own you.
• 8:15
  Speaker 2: So I own that.
• 8:17
  Speaker 2: I'm frustrated when this happens and I just need to talk to you about it.
• 8:21
  Speaker 2: Maybe you don't even realize you're doing it, and they might have no clue that their own behavior is impacting other people and causing emotions in them.
• 8:28
  Speaker 1: That's fair.
• 8:29
  Speaker 1: Yeah, you know, I guess some of it goes into the maturing.
• 8:32
  Speaker 1: What do you think?
• 8:34
  Speaker 1: Well, because maturing, it's like you know, we tend to think everything is about us.
• 8:38
  Speaker 1: In this life, we tend to think like, oh man, I'm having such a bad day and you're like it's almost like beyond you when you're talking like that that there are other people having bad days and so now you're expecting a certain behavior towards you because you are having, therefore, a bad day.
• 8:52
  Speaker 1: And I think part of this emotional intelligence you're talking about comes with the wisdom that we're all being affected by each other.
• 9:00
  Speaker 1: We're like magnets and gravity and everything else.
• 9:02
  Speaker 1: Give me an example of what you think is a very I'm not meaning hypothetical who you think has demonstrated in your personal life, or somebody that we were all heard of who seems to be highly emotionally intelligent.
• 9:18
  Speaker 2: That's a tough one, I know I'm throwing you on the spot.
• 9:19
  Speaker 2: No, that's okay, that's a great question.
• 9:21
  Speaker 2: I honestly think a lot.
• 9:25
  Speaker 2: You know, I'd said my wife would come on here and validate things, but I do think a lot about, like, how she carries her emotions and the way she recognizes them and can own them.
• 9:34
  Speaker 2: But also she does a really good job of recognizing them in others.
• 9:37
  Speaker 2: And the true reason I would say this, and I can think of some other people who I would say, aside from her practice, this as well, this and I can think of some other people who I would say, aside from her practice, this as well but one of the major skills that highly emotionally intelligent people have is they are probably some of the most empathetic people you will ever meet.
• 9:53
  Speaker 2: They recognize feelings in other people.
• 9:56
  Speaker 2: They just have this sense within them.
• 9:59
  Speaker 2: And it might be that's a great question.
• 10:00
  Speaker 2: You know someone who I think is emotionally intelligent, someone who's really good at this.
• 10:05
  Speaker 2: So I think of two people, one I know we've jokingly said we need my wife to come on here and validate a lot of these things about me, and I'm sure she'll, you know, leave a comp some lovely comment about something stupid that I've said or that I've done.
• 10:18
  Speaker 1: I just want to have her on so I can find out what your love language is.
• 10:21
  Speaker 1: This is all I want to know.
• 10:22
  Speaker 2: No one's kidding, so uh, yeah, she's extremely emotionally intelligent and the reason I say that is because she has a skill that is a major piece of you know.
• 10:32
  Speaker 2: People that are really emotionally intelligent, that have a high EQ generally are very empathetic.
• 10:37
  Speaker 2: Empathy is a major piece of you know, emotional intelligence and she's really good at not just seeing the feelings and other people and their emotions, but also, you know validating them and letting someone know, because, you know, I think it's a, it's a desire we all have as humans.
• 10:52
  Speaker 2: We want someone.
• 10:52
  Speaker 2: When we have this feeling, I don't want to feel alone.
• 10:54
  Speaker 2: You know, and people who are emotionally intelligent recognize that in others they say, hey, you know, I picked up on the way you were acting in that meeting and I just wanted to touch base with you and see you know how were you doing.
• 11:08
  Speaker 2: You know, am I like, how's it going?
• 11:12
  Speaker 2: You know, they recognize that and that's a major piece of emotional intelligence is seeing not just your own feelings but also like being able to say listen again.
• 11:21
  Speaker 2: It goes back to the foundation of I'm leading myself first, so I recognize my own feelings and I'm picking up on that.
• 11:28
  Speaker 2: I also then see you're feeling a certain way, or you may be, and I need to have the empathy enough to say, hey, you know, I recognize you were feeling like that, like let's, let's talk about it, are you OK?
• 11:38
  Speaker 2: Without being too over the top?
• 11:41
  Speaker 1: No, absolutely.
• 11:42
  Speaker 1: Hey man, hey man, hey.
• 11:43
  Speaker 1: Can we talk about your feelings, right, right?
• 11:46
  Speaker 2: right.
• 11:46
  Speaker 2: Again, it's about being connected with people and knowing what matters to them, and that's a thing we don't like to do in business.
• 11:56
  Speaker 2: I have a former co-worker, one of my employees, and he's a younger individual and he's extremely emotionally intelligent.
• 12:08
  Speaker 2: I mean he could talk to anybody, but the reason I would say he could talk to anybody is because he doesn't get upset by it and part of his job is he listens to people complain about what's going on in their experience and he's just even keeled and like, willing to like, take it all in, recognize it, respond with empathy.
• 12:28
  Speaker 2: He's also highly motivated.
• 12:29
  Speaker 2: That's another big piece of emotional intelligence.
• 12:31
  Speaker 2: Are you motivated enough to realize like I need to grow and I need to improve?
• 12:35
  Speaker 2: And I'm not going to be impacted by all these other feelings.
• 12:38
  Speaker 2: I'm going to recognize and regulate you know, regulate my own emotions yeah that's a big piece of it.
• 12:44
  Speaker 1: It's all.
• 12:44
  Speaker 1: It's a hard thing to do.
• 12:45
  Speaker 1: I mean, I think it's a hard thing to do sometimes because the easiest thing to do is just walk around, make it all about you.
• 12:51
  Speaker 1: You know it's easy, at least in the short running, because you don't have to worry about.
• 12:54
  Speaker 1: You know, I think about a sociopath.
• 12:55
  Speaker 1: You know what's a sociopath?
• 12:57
  Speaker 1: They have no emotion, they have no compassion, it's all about themselves.
• 13:01
  Speaker 1: I shouldn't say they have no emotion, but they have no compassion for sure.
• 13:03
  Speaker 1: And these are people that you know emotional intelligence.
• 13:06
  Speaker 1: They'd be like why am I even listening to the show?
• 13:07
  Speaker 1: This is rubbish today.
• 13:09
  Speaker 1: Like these guys are really awful.
• 13:11
  Speaker 2: And I think that's just because I think in a lot of businesses we have made emotions.
• 13:16
  Speaker 2: The bad guy made it a thing to say you know like, eliminate the emotions out of this.
• 13:21
  Speaker 2: And and there's a lot of you know like, eliminate the emotions out of this.
• 13:22
  Speaker 2: And and there's a lot of you know information and I would just even say misinformation out there in, you know, the business world of like, you know, screw your feelings, like, just you can't do that, like, if you're going to operate like that and I'm not saying you should let your feelings and let the you know, let the feelings of people around you dictate the way you go you can't show up and like and cry about everything that happens.
• 13:42
  Speaker 2: That's not emotional intelligence, it's I recognize my feelings and then I'm going to regulate them and not come in the office and when I'm upset, like start throwing stuff.
• 13:51
  Speaker 1: You know, nick, I think I think it's important.
• 13:54
  Speaker 1: You know if, look, if you listen to the show today and you're like, oh man, you know, the last thing I want is a bunch of people sitting around you know, talking about feelings all day and how, oh how, you made me feel in this, I get it.
• 14:05
  Speaker 1: We're not going there.
• 14:06
  Speaker 1: I think what we're trying to do is say that as you go through a day-to-day, you have to be cognizant of how the room around you is doing.
• 14:15
  Speaker 1: You have to be cognizant of how you're doing, and if you don't, what you'll do is you will find people.
• 14:19
  Speaker 1: For those business managers who say we don't need emotion in the office, you'll find a bunch of people who mask their emotion.
• 14:31
  Speaker 1: And as a manager, for all the talk we have about, you know, transparency and all these things, all you're doing is you're getting people to bury that stuff down so that they can come be an imposter at work, instead of actually being able to say look, this is going on.
• 14:41
  Speaker 1: Maybe get lifted up in the process.
• 14:43
  Speaker 1: Now, on the other side, I'm going to go to the other extremity.
• 14:46
  Speaker 1: This is going to be crazy.
• 14:47
  Speaker 1: We're going to have to do some point count.
• 14:49
  Speaker 1: I'm going to go the other way, which is look, just because you're emotionally intelligent and you see Sally's having a hard day doesn't mean you can leave your desk and go out there and spend 30 minutes outside with Sally because she's having a hard day.
• 15:01
  Speaker 1: You know, we still have jobs to do A hundred percent.
• 15:04
  Speaker 1: So I think that we're not saying like that, but I think we're saying that part of this emotional intelligence is realizing that you know, okay, sally is having a hard day and Sally may be doing some things that are counterproductive for herself because of this.
• 15:18
  Speaker 1: And how am I aware of it?
• 15:20
  Speaker 1: How can I maybe keep Sally from getting into those zones through not doing my own actions and just being aware of it?
• 15:27
  Speaker 1: And maybe, if I can help somebody understand or recognize when things are happening, I might be able to help them.
• 15:33
  Speaker 1: But it's a tricky, it's a very tricky, it really is, and you know I would.
• 15:37
  Speaker 2: I would just say that it kind of goes back to the our last episode, and it kind of goes back to the the our last episode, and it's really just this idea that the people that work for you, or you know, the people that are around you in your life, they're people first.
• 15:51
  Speaker 2: So, it doesn't mean they can, you know, come in and just be a mom at work and, just, you know, complain about all the awful things that have happened at home.
• 15:59
  Speaker 2: But at the same time, if we're at a space where, if I'm leading a team and I recognize that this person is in a space where they can't do their job, why am I forcing them to sit here and try and fight through this, if they're not a space where they can do it, when I could say how do we?
• 16:15
  Speaker 2: Some of this is an emotional intelligence, is about emotional agility and flexibility.
• 16:21
  Speaker 2: Are we able to flex and adapt and say and again to go back to the idea that leadership can be anyone's responsibility how do I say to my team listen, I have emotions too.
• 16:34
  Speaker 2: I come in and I have rough days, and this is a space where it's okay if you have those emotions, but our goal here is to get these things done.
• 16:40
  Speaker 2: We're trying to accomplish this mission and I need us all to be at our best.
• 16:44
  Speaker 2: If you're not there to do that mission today, then okay, you need to take the day off.
• 16:49
  Speaker 2: We need to have a day where you need to go and be in a different space, and that's okay.
• 16:53
  Speaker 2: If you do that five days in a row and we can't get past it, well then I also need to have the emotional intelligence enough to say, hey, listen, like we need to have a conversation and there's got to be accountability here.
• 17:05
  Speaker 1: Well, if I can jump in with this, I will say because this is really about foundations of leadership, and we talk about you understanding your emotional intelligence, and I believe that we just uncovered the biggest thing that we really should be talking about here, which is that it's okay for you to have a bad day and to feel it, and it's okay for you to maybe even express it.
• 17:30
  Speaker 1: It's even better if you can find a way to healthily express it without bringing down others.
• 17:34
  Speaker 1: And here's where leadership comes in.
• 17:36
  Speaker 1: And I would also say and this is probably the most important thing to go back to those habits we talked about on show one of our new vision here.
• 17:45
  Speaker 1: We talk about the fact that if you're going to have emotional hard times all week long, you're probably not that emotionally intelligent.
• 17:54
  Speaker 1: No, you're not If you can't get to a point where you can learn that you've got to control these and I'm far from one to judge, but I'd say that's where we as leaders sometimes have to say look this person, you know you got to lift them up sometimes, but we all have to get a lift up man, it's tough, but it's not just recognizing your emotions, it's regulating them Right.
• 18:16
  Speaker 2: Self-awareness and self-regulation are your responsibility as a person, as a leader, to say I got to, you know, control some of this.
• 18:26
  Speaker 2: I can't just show up and say whatever I want, do whatever I want and think that there's no issue with it because you're bringing everybody else down, so.
• 18:33
  Speaker 1: so this is going to be the part of the show where I'm going to do Rob and Nick share too much information about their personal lives.
• 18:38
  Speaker 1: Okay, here we go.
• 18:39
  Speaker 1: He didn't know that was part of the show.
• 18:40
  Speaker 1: This is coming, okay, so here we go.
• 18:41
  Speaker 1: So we're sitting here talking all about emotional intelligence.
• 18:44
  Speaker 1: Tell me about a time we got to keep it brief because we only got like two or three minutes left.
• 18:48
  Speaker 1: Tell me about a time that your emotional intelligence was tested and how you got through it.
• 18:55
  Speaker 2: That is such a good question.
• 18:56
  Speaker 2: It's so good that you prepared me for it in advance.
• 19:01
  Speaker 2: Listen, I'm teasing you that you prepared me for it in advance.
• 19:09
  Speaker 2: So, honestly, a time when I did not do well with my emotional intelligence I can just think about, even just recently I've talked about a little bit before.
• 19:13
  Speaker 2: But even just at home there are many times when I don't recognize in myself even just how I might say things to people.
• 19:21
  Speaker 2: Even just yesterday at work, I had like listen, I'm going to be honest, I had something happen.
• 19:29
  Speaker 2: I'm leading this, you know, a training session, with a whole bunch of people in it and afterwards you know the fit hit the shin and I'm getting phone calls from this person and that person going why did this happen?
• 19:39
  Speaker 2: And I was like I don't know.
• 19:40
  Speaker 2: Y'all.
• 19:46
  Speaker 1: Like I don't know the answer to this.
• 19:46
  Speaker 1: Oh, he broke out y'all on him too.
• 19:47
  Speaker 2: I know, right, I'm not even from this, I don't know what happened here and I wanted to get to go back to that self-defense mechanism, right, I was feeling in the moment now that I can like think about it and, you know, didn't necessarily regulate my emotions very well in the moment I was feeling attacked.
• 20:02
  Speaker 2: I was very well in the moment I was feeling attacked, I was feeling judged.
• 20:07
  Speaker 2: I was feeling like I wasn't being seen for the things that I had done.
• 20:08
  Speaker 2: I was feeling a little bit of that imposter syndrome of I've done such a good job with this, why would this be asked of me now?
• 20:13
  Speaker 2: I don't understand why why are they questioning this?
• 20:16
  Speaker 2: And so I'm like I don't know the answer to this, like why are?
• 20:18
  Speaker 2: Why am I being asked this?
• 20:20
  Speaker 2: And you know, my co-worker that was talking to me was like listen, like I don't know, I just I just wanted to let you know, like this is what's happening.
• 20:26
  Speaker 2: And I was like oh okay, gotcha Like, and so like in that moment.
• 20:29
  Speaker 2: I just I thought, okay, just slow down a little bit, and sometimes that's all it takes, for you know, for myself I won't speak for others pause a second, take a breath and then and then move forward, because it's very easy to move.
• 20:45
  Speaker 2: You know, if we're emotionally intelligent, we're a little bit slower, we process things and we don't just like move at fast pace, and that's my natural action.
• 20:55
  Speaker 2: I am very fast paced, you know moving, and I can very easily in that moment forget that there's other people around.
• 21:01
  Speaker 1: I'm going to, I'm going to, actually I'll, I'll take that, I'll say that that may be a good show.
• 21:05
  Speaker 1: Takeaway then for me a pro tip about this, and not not saying I'm a pro by any means, but I can say that, you know, the best thing I could probably suggest to somebody if they're trying to build their emotional intelligence is take the step back and and don't react in the moment.
• 21:21
  Speaker 1: Um, I can tell you, you know, I was that kid who, growing up you know I put so much pressure on myself.
• 21:26
  Speaker 1: I, you know, if I was playing wiffle ball and I struck out playing wiffle ball, that bat's going in the air and I'm storming off, and which is extremely low emotional intelligence, which part of why I said earlier can you learn it?
• 21:38
  Speaker 1: And not that I have that same level of like in the moment of it today, but I still have that same emotion within me, Like I want to do well and if I don't do well, I feel like a fraud.
• 21:50
  Speaker 1: And so so you do have to sometimes step back and understand the moment and don't don't just react in that very second, Because if you do, that might be the bad reaction we're not saying.
• 22:00
  Speaker 1: Don't have emotion.
• 22:03
  Speaker 2: We're saying that you have to be cognizant of it.
• 22:05
  Speaker 1: Yeah, you have to be, you gotta be aware of them, and then and then, don't have a meltdown.
• 22:09
  Speaker 2: Don't use y'all If you're not from the South.
• 22:11
  Speaker 1: You're really mad.
• 22:12
  Speaker 1: Don't.
• 22:13
  Speaker 1: Don't go to the y'all immediately the other piece.
• 22:16
  Speaker 1: I heard Jim Gaffigan one time.
• 22:18
  Speaker 1: I'm sorry I'm going to go off on it.
• 22:19
  Speaker 1: Jim Gaffigan said he goes.
• 22:21
  Speaker 1: Southerners have a way about just saying stuff he goes, y'all can go to hell.
• 22:24
  Speaker 1: What is?
• 22:26
  Speaker 2: wrong.
• 22:28
  Speaker 2: Oh, god oh man Anywho.
• 22:30
  Speaker 1: But all right, that was my quick tangent.
• 22:33
  Speaker 2: No, you're so right though, but he can say that as a joke, because it's real for us all as humans to recognize when other people are having those emotions that are out of check, out of line, out of control.
• 22:43
  Speaker 2: But the idea of pausing and stepping back, it's important in the moment, but I would also challenge anyone that's listening to think about what are your emotions like regularly at home or at work, and how do you reflect on them outside of the actual moment where you pause.
• 22:59
  Speaker 2: So, if it's taking time and journaling about some of the things you maybe felt today, or if you're interested, shoot me a message and I'll give you one of multiple assessments you can do to figure out where your emotional intelligence is.
• 23:12
  Speaker 2: There's assessments out there that show people, just like your IQ, when you do these certain things and react a certain way.
• 23:19
  Speaker 2: When this happens, do you do this or do that?
• 23:27
  Speaker 2: And it'll tell you you know you need to work on not recognizing your emotions but regulating your emotions.
• 23:29
  Speaker 2: Or you need to work on, you know, recognizing, you know social awareness around you.
• 23:32
  Speaker 2: Or maybe you need to work on the empathy side of things.
• 23:34
  Speaker 2: You're like I recognize all these emotions but I don't really care about anyone's at the end, right?
• 23:38
  Speaker 1: That's not very empathetic, but, dude, I don't, I don't know Like and I'm being real when I say this, and I'm using the words.
• 23:44
  Speaker 1: I don't know if you're a psychologist and you want to come on the show and educate us I welcome anybody but I don't know if you can improve your compassion.
• 23:53
  Speaker 1: I think either you, now, now.
• 23:55
  Speaker 1: Now let me explain why I'm saying that.
• 23:57
  Speaker 1: I'm not saying that you can't be more aware, but I'm saying either listen, man, either you have compassion like you just have a natural ability to look and go wow, or you don't.
• 24:07
  Speaker 1: And here's my point.
• 24:09
  Speaker 1: Now, this is my own pet theory.
• 24:10
  Speaker 1: I'm saying right here what I'm trying to say is I'm not saying recognizing sad things Like sometimes we get very self-absorbed and that doesn't mean you're not of compassion You're just not recognizing that you're, that you're being people are having whatever right.
• 24:23
  Speaker 1: But I'm saying if you're just a person, that just you just don't have the dose of it.
• 24:29
  Speaker 1: I'm going back sociopath style.
• 24:31
  Speaker 1: I don't think you go to a typical sociopath and say, hey, man, you need to have more compassion.
• 24:35
  Speaker 1: I think you, like you shouldn't have to teach compassion.
• 24:38
  Speaker 2: I think that there are certain people that, like you said, like a sociopath, or people who you know, have certain tendencies, like within their own, you know mental capacity, right their own, you know the way their brain is wired.
• 24:52
  Speaker 2: If you're a sociopath and that's something that, like you know, inside your brain, that's how you operate.
• 24:56
  Speaker 2: I don't think you can't learn it and I know we're going to talk about in a future episode growth mindset versus fixed mindset.
• 25:04
  Speaker 1: And so.
• 25:05
  Speaker 2: I would say even people who have those tendencies that might make it a whole lot more difficult to teach compassion still couldn't learn it.
• 25:19
  Speaker 2: And I say that because I think there are.
• 25:22
  Speaker 2: You know, there are studies out there that show that you know, when we create connections with people, right, so like, yeah, you might, as a sociopath, you know, think a certain way or an narcissist.
• 25:34
  Speaker 1: Hey, let the record show Bob's a sociopath.
• 25:37
  Speaker 2: He wants you to know my emotional intelligence is just dropping.
• 25:41
  Speaker 2: No, but I think those people could.
• 25:43
  Speaker 2: If they were to, it would be more difficult than it might be for you or I, but if they were to connect with people and have time to and learn the skills of how do I just connect with a person and have those conversations I'm not saying it would happen overnight, but you know there's, I think it's possible and I will.
• 26:02
  Speaker 2: I will tell you this.
• 26:03
  Speaker 2: I'll come back for the next episode with some research on people that have have that, those tendencies, whether it's sociopath or or otherwise.
• 26:14
  Speaker 2: And if there's a, is it possible for us to teach them compassion or?
• 26:19
  Speaker 1: it's a it interesting question.
• 26:21
  Speaker 1: Yeah, it's a great question Because the real question comes down to, not an awareness, like, I think, as a little kid, your parents go, you can't take that kid's toy because that'll hurt his feelings, and as a little kid, you can go.
• 26:32
  Speaker 1: Oh, I didn't understand that, but it doesn't mean the kid had no compassion.
• 26:36
  Speaker 1: It just meant that they didn't even have an awareness that they even had to have compassion.
• 26:40
  Speaker 2: Sure, they didn't know.
• 26:41
  Speaker 1: But when they found out they did something bad, they're like oh, that does stink.
• 26:44
  Speaker 1: Versus the kid who you're like yeah, you can't take it Well.
• 26:47
  Speaker 1: So, so what if he's sad?
• 26:49
  Speaker 1: And that's the question I have.
• 26:51
  Speaker 1: It's almost like yeah, anyway, all right, I'm off on a tangent.
• 26:55
  Speaker 2: We're going to growth mindset fixed mindset and we'll talk about growth mindset related to Nick.
• 27:01
  Speaker 1: Vizcafano is going to educate us on how you can grow your compassion.
• 27:05
  Speaker 1: Yes, absolutely, I'm going to make it happen.
• 27:07
  Speaker 1: Hey, listen, if you guys are out there, we appreciate you listening to the show.
• 27:11
  Speaker 1: I'd say your opportunities are going to be daily to build your emotional intelligence.
• 27:16
  Speaker 1: If you've ever been talking to a group of people, you've had a chance to maybe have to build your emotional intelligence, because there's so many different people in the room and, as a great leader, this is something that we can all strive to to be the best manager that we can be out there, right, absolutely.
• 27:30
  Speaker 1: Well, nick, another good show on the books man, appreciate it.
• 27:34
  Speaker 1: We thank you guys for listening.
• 27:35
  Speaker 1: Make sure to like and share us on social media and any platform of your choice, and we'll look forward to seeing you all next time on the Leader Mentality Show.