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Transcript

I Now Pronounce You Adam & Greg · Very Fine Friends

0:00
so i have this recurring thought every time i pee it's that when you pee you know it's different for
0:17
you but like when i pee and there's a stream the stream happens yeah i'm always like oh god
0:26
what if I'm in a public place
0:28
and there's like
0:30
something in the toilet that's like
0:32
nasty
0:33
and like I just picture it
0:36
climbing up to pee
0:37
like
0:40
a quick bacteria
0:41
and like rides the helix up
0:44
but then it would be like a salmon swimming upstream
0:46
so it's possible
0:47
it'd be really hard
0:49
well I don't think it'd make it all the way
0:51
I don't think it would make it to you
0:54
well this is science i think it would drown midstream you think i just gotta push harder
1:00
yeah like you're not coming up here yes uh yeah i think as long as you're making that noise while
1:08
you're peeing doesn't everyone in a public bathroom okay this is yeah you're right in there
1:17
this is like a nightmare story for me but i'll share it with you because i love you just the
1:22
Between the two of us.
1:23
Yeah.
1:23
Just don't tell anyone.
1:24
Just us and the listeners.
1:26
I was with a friend of mine.
1:27
We were going up to Anthem to do this, like, political thing.
1:31
And we got almost there.
1:33
And I, my stomach was like, problem, problem.
1:37
And I'm like, oh, no.
1:38
Like, I need to, I need to find a bathroom.
1:40
Like, now.
1:41
And we pulled into the fries.
1:43
And I was like, the first time in my life, maybe, where I was like, it's, I'm not going to make it.
1:49
Oh, no.
1:50
Horrifying.
1:50
I'm like, this is, I'm so embarrassed.
1:52
at a place where I'm a member mind you so no fries anyway so I run into the bathroom of course is
2:02
at the far end of the store back yeah so I'm like speed walking and I finally had like an ounce of
2:10
hope and I kicked open the door and there was a worker in there like cleaning the bathroom
2:17
saw me set the broom against the wall and walked out like kicked it open your face yeah they were
2:24
like this guy's probably like this guy's clearly a member yeah to give him his privacy yeah so
2:30
i'm already like horrified so i get in there
2:34
start doing my thing and not quietly mind you somebody walks in the bathroom at that time
2:43
there's open stalls they go in the stall right next to me sit like they lock the door
2:50
i see their like pants drop they hear they're in there for like five seconds of hearing what i'm
2:56
doing and they got up and left like they left the bathroom yeah you scared them yeah i scared a
3:06
worker i scared a fellow hey but you have the bathroom to yourself that's weird though someone
3:12
coming in and going right next to you i'm assuming there was more than two stalls well maybe they were
3:18
cruising and they didn't understand what was happening but then they figured it out real quick
3:23
yeah i feel like stall etiquette and i feel like as a i feel like i would have made a good man in
3:31
a urinal situation where i would know which urinal to pick well i can i can confirm which one would
3:37
you pick well it depends i think every given situation is different right have you ever do
3:41
you ever play that game like there's like some kind of a game yeah there's kind of a game where
3:47
there's uh like they show you which like which you're like pick the correct urinal basically
3:54
and in any given situation with a certain number of urinals and like people at the urinals to like
3:59
maximize space and privacy i like i got a hundred a hundred percent on that game when i played it
4:06
at least it doesn't mean anything by the way no it means a lot i didn't that's how i get into
4:11
college. Here's my
4:13
urinal test scores.
4:15
You'll see they're all in order.
4:18
Sorry, you like
4:19
to put your arm... I was just gonna
4:21
say, if someone comes next
4:23
to me on the urinal, I like to put my arm around them and
4:25
say, we're doing it.
4:28
Come on.
4:30
Turn to face
4:31
them. Make eye contact. Make the noise
4:33
I make.
4:38
Bacteria?
4:40
Not today.
4:41
That also reminds me.
4:42
There's a long story, which I won't get into now,
4:44
but my dad forced me to go hunting once when I was a kid.
4:47
And it was my first time nature toileting.
4:51
And I kept going further into the woods
4:53
because I didn't want to be anywhere around him.
4:55
Yeah.
4:55
And I built a little rock toilet.
4:58
And as soon as I got on it, I swear this is true.
5:00
As soon as I got on the rock toilet,
5:02
a truck drove by in front of me.
5:07
So it was just like, was there a road?
5:10
trail that i didn't know like like a well-driven trail of other hunters i'm like this like 10 year
5:16
old kid sitting on your own little homemade rock throne uh welcome to friends like us
5:29
a podcast where friends talk about stuff that was a very informative uh opening for our listeners
5:39
Yeah, I just wanted to be known. I didn't go into detail. You you filled in your imaginations of what was really happening.
5:45
Yeah, if you have weird memories, this is your fault.
5:48
Listener, you're adding details that were not supplied in the story.
5:52
You're sick and you need help.
5:54
And if you're a Fries member, we're calling Fries and we're getting your membership revoked because you're sick.
6:01
They do that.
6:02
They do do that.
6:03
doo-doo
6:03
well
6:05
and listeners
6:07
don't think that we were talking about doo-doo
6:09
just because I said they do doo-doo
6:11
we were talking about the birds
6:12
the extinct birds
6:13
the doo-doo birds
6:14
yes
6:15
how dare you listener
6:18
yeah you need to stop
6:20
grow up
6:21
go outside
6:21
touch grass
6:22
god
6:23
you're such a
6:24
you're so sophomoric
6:26
good word
6:27
thank you
6:28
you haven't heard that enough
6:28
thank you
6:30
I like that one and I like pedantic
6:31
I love pedantic.
6:34
Although I don't like it when people are pedantic.
6:36
No.
6:37
But it's fun to say.
6:37
It's good to know what to call them.
6:38
Yeah.
6:39
Quick interruption.
6:41
Every week on the podcast, we do something where our producer Joe gives Francis and I each our own secret word.
6:51
Throughout the course of the podcast, we need to find a way to slip the secret word into our conversation without the other person noticing.
6:59
If the other person can guess the secret word, they get a point.
7:04
And right before we die, we add up all the points.
7:07
And then we get a prize, whoever has the most points, for guessing the most secret words.
7:12
Here's Joe with today's secret words.
7:16
Jenna's secret word is trimmings.
7:19
Francis' secret word is licks.
7:23
All right, back to the pod.
7:24
well um not to be pedantic but i think it's that that time i think it's time
7:32
for the invention of the week okay
7:35
inventions
7:38
i've been licking my wounds this past week because i feel like the last one uh
7:45
didn't go didn't go have you seen my hair francis it's terrible i tried to get myself
7:51
a haircut.
7:51
It wasn't going to say anything.
7:52
No, it's a prototype.
7:55
You gave me a beta version of the...
7:57
You gave you...
7:58
Oh, I see what you're doing.
8:01
The no glove?
8:03
Yes.
8:03
Yes, love?
8:04
Yes.
8:05
Sorry.
8:09
My invention is...
8:11
You know how sometimes you get thirsty?
8:14
I do know that.
8:16
Well, not anymore.
8:18
Oh, thank goodness.
8:19
Have you ever seen a camelback?
8:21
Yeah.
8:22
Pretty cool, right?
8:23
Yeah, they're the coolest.
8:25
Really cool.
8:26
So my invention is, you ever been to a fast food place and they have a soda fountain?
8:32
Uh-huh.
8:32
And then you walk in the back and you see that it's just a bunch of lines going to soda?
8:38
Well, I mean, I can imagine that.
8:40
I don't think I've been in the back.
8:44
Okay.
8:44
But I know, yeah.
8:45
You're there.
8:46
Yeah, I'm there.
8:47
I'm there.
8:48
I didn't want to mislead the listener into thinking I'd had this experience in person.
8:53
I just have a good imagination.
8:54
I can imagine what you're talking about.
8:56
Okay.
8:56
Thanks.
8:58
So it's a bunch of tubes that go through your attic in your house into your garage where there's beverage canisters.
9:11
And the tubes go into every room.
9:14
So you can just literally...
9:16
Oh, you're in your room in your bed?
9:18
water tube, let it go.
9:24
And up to two beverages.
9:26
So the tube, one tube dispenses two beverages or two tubes?
9:31
It's one tube.
9:34
I'm sorry.
9:36
I'm realizing now that you're going to have to take a long drink to clear it.
9:39
Yeah.
9:40
Two tubes.
9:41
I just decided.
9:42
All right.
9:42
Good.
9:43
I think that's wise because otherwise you'd have the different beverages
9:46
contaminating.
9:47
Yeah.
9:48
Yeah.
9:48
Yeah.
9:48
And you could even do, I mean, you pick the beverages, whatever.
9:52
But every, so like you're in the bathroom.
9:55
Guess what?
9:56
You're thirsty?
9:58
Not anymore.
10:00
Okay.
10:01
The only room it's not in is the kitchen.
10:05
Because there's already tubes called pipes.
10:11
That's where people keep their beverages anyway?
10:14
Yeah.
10:15
Okay.
10:15
So I want you to just imagine the practicality of this.
10:21
Okay.
10:22
What do you, all right.
10:26
Let me unpack this here.
10:28
So.
10:30
She loves it.
10:34
Clearly super into this idea.
10:37
This is nonstop practical.
10:39
Oh, yeah.
10:40
Look at her licks and her lips over there.
10:42
So it's.
10:45
Every room has like a hamster like one of those like it like a hamster dispenser like a little water But like so you just put your mouth to the tube in whatever room you in Yeah So but what if you have guests over
10:59
Are they sharing your tubes?
11:00
It's bad etiquette.
11:02
You don't use someone's tubes.
11:03
So it's just for you.
11:06
It's for your whole family.
11:08
It's a long line.
11:10
Yeah.
11:10
Coming into each room.
11:12
how much liquid will you have to fill it fill these the attic containers with just to be able
11:19
to supply all the containers are in the garage oh i'm sorry i thought you said attic no the tubes
11:23
run through the attic oh okay well i don't know why it matters how whatever the containers are
11:28
they still need to be filled wherever they are well it's like it's like people who have giant
11:32
propane tanks they fill them once every like six months it depends i mean if it's milk obviously
11:39
it's not going to last six months.
11:40
Yeah, I mean, that's one of the things.
11:42
Well, that's on you.
11:43
You need to...
11:44
I mean, if it's soda,
11:45
it's not going to really...
11:47
I think it would.
11:48
You think the carbonation would last?
11:51
I don't know.
11:56
I don't know.
11:57
There will be a CO2 tank.
12:00
You'll get a alert on your phone
12:01
when it's time to change the tank.
12:04
Okay.
12:04
And also, I just decided there's a...
12:06
a UV cleaner.
12:11
It's like if you want to use it, but grandma used it first.
12:15
Yeah, and she's a dirty bitch.
12:17
Dirty grandma.
12:18
Dirty grandma.
12:19
Grandma.
12:20
Grandma, get your act together.
12:21
Grandma, stop being nasty.
12:24
You clamp on the UV light and it cleans the tube.
12:27
Okay, so then guests can use it.
12:29
If you allow it.
12:30
Okay.
12:31
With the UV light.
12:33
But then this is now stuck in your house.
12:35
Stuck?
12:35
Well, I mean, it's not portable.
12:37
This is a selling feature.
12:39
Yeah, it's not portable.
12:40
That's right.
12:40
It's like a home water cleaner.
12:42
But like people spend, you know, eight hours a day at work.
12:46
That doesn't solve their thirst problems at work.
12:49
Well, if your employer is decent.
12:53
It's like health care or 401k.
12:55
Right.
12:55
There'll be a tube coming down to your cubicle.
12:57
They're going to supply you a tube.
12:58
So in this world, ideally, there's just tubes everywhere.
13:05
It sounds like you're describing drinking fountains.
13:09
Yeah, it does sound a little bit like...
13:10
Then you don't get it.
13:11
Well, it also sounds a little bit like you're saying have a soda machine in every room.
13:17
It's a soda machine, but without all the trimmings.
13:20
Like, it's just the tube part of the soda machine.
13:23
You're working. You're busy. You can't stop.
13:26
You don't want to bend over to a fountain.
13:29
And this is better than a camelback, because...
13:32
Because you don't have to fill it yourself.
13:37
And it's always there.
13:38
You do have to fill it yourself.
13:41
But you know how, okay, you know how in the bag,
13:46
it only holds so much like you're filling it up all the time.
13:48
These are big tanks in your garage.
13:52
You do one massive fill up.
13:55
Yeah.
13:58
Yeah, you get it.
13:59
you interpreted that as i'm getting it not me questioning this
14:07
i just don't think you're seeing the um these could be anywhere airports but but then okay
14:16
airports that seems like that's gonna work willy-nilly like the number of people that go
14:21
through an airport that everyone's gonna be putting their mouth to these dirty tubes and
14:26
UV. Yeah, but how often are people
14:28
going to be UV-ing? Well, you've got to make
14:30
sure. It's your job. I'm not touching
14:32
it until I UV-ing it.
14:33
So that UV, it'll be called Y-O-U-V?
14:36
The UV. You've got
14:38
to do it. That's not bad. Yeah.
14:40
I vote for that. But then there's
14:42
going to be people that aren't doing that.
14:44
Then they can be gross.
14:46
But at what point in time do we
14:48
I would not trust that UV.
14:50
Well, to me, it's just like a water fountain.
14:52
I don't use water fountains.
14:54
but water fountain that you have to wrap your lips around have to or get to that's a selling
15:01
feature yeah could you have like little accessories that you put on the tubes like
15:07
like fake lips that so when you it's like you're kissing i was thinking that some of these could
15:12
have lipstick on them so if you're late to work you get a drink of water and boom i thought you
15:19
like lipstick on it so like your your wife comes home and she's like why is there lipstick on this
15:27
tube who's been over here drinking our water yes we hydrate oh honey uh no that's not what you
15:35
think it segs into a commercial for the product don't worry i haven't been cheating on you
15:41
it's just the what's the name of this product oh um something like something about many tube like
15:49
poly tube poly drink drink tube tie your tubes don't tie your tube don't tie your tubes garage
16:01
drink garage drink that sells itself three car beverage
16:09
we're poor i think we're involving the garage too much in this right because some people might
16:15
not have a garage right some people might have an attic and then it does go in the attic with
16:19
the tubes.
16:22
Tube
16:22
lips. Tubular.
16:25
Hey. Tubule lips.
16:28
Better than anything I've got.
16:31
What did you call it?
16:33
Garage milk?
16:35
Garage drink.
16:36
Garage drink.
16:42
Okay.
16:44
Tube trough?
16:45
Truff?
16:46
no because trough you got everyone goes to it this comes to you
16:50
everyone goes to it in the in the um airport too according to you camel mouth
16:58
i don't know there's gotta be a latin word that means everywhere pan yeah i am yeah omnia
17:07
it's pan everywhere that's great everything oh let's edit out the part where i didn't know
17:13
something um you were testing us yeah that's right but no tests needed i got a hundred percent of my
17:19
urinal exam let me see that this checks out yep look forward to peeing next to you no you won't
17:26
be right next to me oh i'll be three urinals down i almost got you yep nope no no i'm prepared
17:32
i'm sorry to go back but you only need to be one two urinals down no but you need to be properly
17:37
prepared because if it's there's five urinals you want to go to the other end so then if someone
17:41
comes in they can still go in the middle and then everyone's got their own buffer zone
17:44
thank you thank you very much we're ready to piss i know
17:53
yep anyway so how are you feeling on the um drinks a lot omni tubes garage milk
18:02
I think
18:06
this is going to be in every home
18:09
I don't see why it wouldn't be
18:12
if it was an option at the builder
18:14
you would take it right
18:15
I know
18:20
I would not I'm sorry
18:22
do I keep this bit going no
18:24
not for you but it would be a cool thing
18:26
just loose tubes I'd be worried about
18:28
we got it
18:29
Loose tubes.
18:31
That's the name.
18:34
Well, with a name like that, I actually am on board.
18:37
Loose tubes.
18:38
But wouldn't you be worried?
18:39
Oh, you were worried about bacteria crawling up your pee,
18:42
and then you're okay with just having loose tubes that you strap your mouth to?
18:45
Why do you keep forgetting about the UV light?
18:49
We have a method of control.
18:51
But then you're constantly UVing,
18:52
because how could you be sure that a bug didn't crawl up the tube
18:56
while you weren't using it?
18:58
Like, I don't go into the office in my house all that often.
19:02
So if I go into the office and I haven't been going in there and I want a quick drink.
19:07
Well, it requires sucking.
19:08
You can't just pick up the tube and water pours out.
19:12
It's like a siphon.
19:14
I know, but the bug could still crawl up the tube, right?
19:17
No.
19:18
Not with our proprietary anti-bug technology.
19:21
Oh, I didn't know about the anti-bug technology.
19:24
Well, in that case, yes, I would like two, please, two sets of loose tubes.
19:30
And you didn't even mention once that you didn't like the aesthetic of that being in your house.
19:35
So that can't even be a concern.
19:37
Well, no, I do like loose things hanging from the ceiling.
19:41
So that's I'm OK with that.
19:44
In 50 years, people are going to look back on this.
19:46
Like, I can't believe only one person ordered the loose tubes.
19:49
And that house is worth.
19:51
And that one person was Francis.
19:54
who died of a bacterial infection from a toilet
20:04
from a bug that was in his garage milk he refused to accept
20:10
kept denying it wouldn't go to the hospital no oh okay well someone out there is
20:17
wanting this.
20:19
Yes.
20:20
And if you do want
20:21
your own set of loose tubes,
20:23
go to friendslikeuspod.com.
20:26
I think that wraps up
20:27
the invention of the week.
20:30
Thanks.
20:31
Well, we've certainly got a hit
20:34
on our hands.
20:36
You're giving me whiplash, Jenna.
20:38
I know.
20:40
I can't let you know
20:42
what I really feel.
20:43
I gotta go one way
20:44
and then the other way with it.
20:47
But the good news is we can table that for now.
20:50
Okay.
20:52
Because it's time for our next segment, Celebrity Fight Club.
20:55
Ooh.
20:58
Celebrity Fight Club.
21:02
Now, the way celebrity, Francis, why don't you explain Celebrity Fight Club?
21:06
Celebrity Fight Club is where we each choose a celebrity,
21:12
and we got to put them in a match against each other.
21:14
and we're going to basically fight using traits of that character or that actor
21:23
or like stuff they've been involved with.
21:25
So we can use their like repertoire of films or TV to like win the fight.
21:31
Yeah, that's a good way to describe it.
21:34
And no adjusting.
21:37
So have you already picked your celebrity Francis Yeah Okay I have as well No adjusting based on who the other person picks
21:50
Whoever says their celebrity first.
21:52
What if we both have the same one?
21:54
I don't think we will.
21:55
I hope I know who it is.
21:57
You will.
21:57
I'll be fighting blind over here.
21:59
Okay.
22:00
Should I go first or do you?
22:02
Uh, sure.
22:03
You can go first.
22:03
I'm definitely not going to change mine, so.
22:05
Okay.
22:05
I choose Adam Sandler.
22:08
Ooh, okay.
22:10
Who do you pick?
22:11
I choose Greg Kinnear.
22:13
I love him.
22:14
I love him.
22:17
Yes.
22:18
Okay.
22:18
Good choice.
22:19
Thank you.
22:20
I don't want to fight now.
22:21
Aw.
22:22
Somebody pick up.
22:22
They're just best friends.
22:23
I just want to take you to lunch.
22:25
Now, I can tell you why I pick Greg Kinnear.
22:27
Okay.
22:29
He's very, like, unoffensive and unassuming.
22:35
I don't think anyone has kind of like negative thoughts about Greg Kinnear.
22:39
Even when he's the bad guy in something, he's still not even really that bad of a guy.
22:44
And so I think in any kind of a situation, he'd either he'd be able to just kind of innocuous his way out of danger.
22:53
OK, I think his big thing is kind of he'd blend in or he'd be charming enough to deflect any kind of onslaught that might come his way.
23:03
okay um you know remind me later to tell you who he reminds me of is it me oh darn cancel the
23:14
reminder all right so why did you pick adam sandler um because i was browsing prime the other day and
23:20
i saw billy madison was on it that's it that's a really good reason to pick yeah it stuck in my
23:25
head i watched the trailer you watched the trailer for billy madison yeah i like you were browsing
23:30
probably even saw that not the millions of ads that have been out for happy gilmore too
23:34
i've seen those too okay that didn't make me think of him no so what was it about billy
23:42
madison that made you think he'd be good for celebrity fight club um it just reminded me that
23:47
he's done so many things and so i knew i could i could pull a weapon out of anywhere okay so
23:55
do we need to come up with a
23:57
fighting scenario for these two
23:59
and see how they would, who would win?
24:02
Yeah, we just need to find a way to start
24:03
the fight. And then we just fight.
24:07
Okay.
24:07
And then maybe
24:08
when this episode is published
24:11
we'll get like a boxing bell.
24:15
Okay.
24:15
So a bell would be...
24:16
That's for the audience.
24:19
Ding, ding, ding.
24:20
I was uncanny.
24:23
Thank you.
24:24
I actually moonlight as a boxing bell.
24:26
I thought you looked familiar.
24:30
So.
24:32
All right.
24:34
Greg Kinnear just bought himself a whole home loose tube system.
24:39
Smart.
24:40
Wise man.
24:41
Adam Sandler.
24:44
Duh.
24:45
Hates it.
24:48
Okay.
24:49
So Greg Kinnear invited Adam Sandler over to look at his loose tubes.
24:53
Yep.
24:54
Greg Kinnear got the last set of loose tubes.
24:57
Oh, no.
24:59
That's true, because loose tubes are flying off the shelves.
25:01
Folks, go to friendslikeuspod.com,
25:03
pick up your own set of loose tubes.
25:06
If you want to be like Greg Kinnear,
25:09
you don't want to be like Adam Sandler
25:11
and be left out in the cold.
25:14
Okay, so Adam wanted loose tubes.
25:17
Greg got the last set.
25:20
Did you say Adam?
25:22
Yeah.
25:23
Who's Adam?
25:24
Who's Sandler?
25:28
Who did you think Greg was?
25:32
I'm back.
25:33
I'm back and I'm ready to fight.
25:35
Okay, so Adam, my Adam.
25:40
You were confused.
25:42
Yeah, sorry.
25:43
Your Adam wanted the last set of loose tubes.
25:45
Greg Kinnear got them.
25:47
And he invited Adam over.
25:48
And then he was kind of just showing him off.
25:50
Yeah.
25:51
Okay.
25:52
So I'm over.
25:53
um
25:55
um
25:55
darn
25:58
Greg
25:59
can I have these
26:01
I don't I don't know what to tell you
26:05
I'm sorry I'm sorry Adam
26:06
I
26:07
I've always wanted to lose tubes for my house
26:11
and it was a real dream of mine and I
26:12
finally got them and I'm afraid I
26:14
can't do that for you
26:16
I'm sorry I've already
26:18
filled I've already filled my garage
26:21
with milk
26:21
You know what, Greg?
26:26
I have a feeling that you invited me over to hurt me, and that makes me mad.
26:34
Ooh, Adam, I'm really sorry that you had that impression.
26:36
Hey, let me make you a smoothie.
26:39
From the tubes?
26:40
Yeah, come on in.
26:41
Come on into my bathroom.
26:43
That's where I make all my smoothies now, because the tubes make everything so easy.
26:47
Blood pressure's going up.
26:48
Oh, hey, Adam, I'm still a real nice guy. So here's your your blood pressure medicine. Take some of that. I don't want you. I don't want you blowing your stack.
27:00
Greg, don't take this the wrong way, but I'm going to kick your ass.
27:05
Oh, hey, I'm not going to take that the wrong way. I'm Greg Kinnear. Everything's pretty jovial in my life. So you're saying you're going to kick my ass. That probably means it's going to be a real good time.
27:16
what's this guy doing?
27:18
All right, that's it.
27:20
Did I tell you you look really good today?
27:22
Did I tell you I brought a golf club
27:24
from my hit film, Billy Madison?
27:27
Now I'm primed.
27:30
Oh, Adam, you're so funny.
27:32
You're always confusing Happy Gilmore and Billy Madison.
27:35
Fuck.
27:38
Oh, Adam, it's okay if you swear.
27:41
You're at Greg's house now.
27:42
I forgot my own name a minute ago.
27:43
I'm pissed.
27:44
Oh, that's all right.
27:45
Why don't you sit down and have a soothing glass of seltzer water?
27:50
No, I'm hitting you with this golf club right now.
27:53
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
27:55
Here, take my UV.
27:58
Clean that tube and put your mouth on it.
28:00
All right, but only so that people understand how good this product is.
28:05
Oh, I think they understand.
28:07
Wow, that was easy.
28:09
So clean and no bugs.
28:12
Now I hit you.
28:13
Well, I'm sure I had it coming, and I'll probably laugh it off.
28:20
This black eye will heal in a few days.
28:22
What can't heal is a broken friendship, and I would never want to break friendship with you, Adam.
28:29
I'm too nice.
28:30
I don't believe this.
28:31
You know what?
28:32
I bet you didn't know that I brought in a hot tutor to yell at you.
28:39
A hot tutor?
28:39
Oh, man, that's spelled T-O-O-T-E-R.
28:45
That would be really funny.
28:47
That's the kind of gentle comedy that I'm known for.
28:50
I'm trying to hurt you, Greg.
28:53
Well, you can't really hurt me because I'm 62 years old and I still look young.
29:00
Oh, then in that case, I'll take the batteries out of your remote.
29:05
So you can't click it anymore.
29:08
Adam, great reference.
29:09
Is that as good as it gets with you?
29:12
I was in as good as it gets.
29:15
You were great in that too.
29:17
Thanks.
29:17
You were gay in that.
29:19
Yes, that's right.
29:20
I forgot because I haven't seen that movie in a long time.
29:23
Well, I don't watch the movies I'm in either.
29:25
Well, why would you?
29:27
Yeah, I wouldn't.
29:32
I was in Mystery Men.
29:35
I was the superhero guy that got captured and the other mystery men had to save the day.
29:43
So I'm willing to take back seat to let others have the spotlight.
29:48
Okay.
29:49
Are you willing to be choked by a microphone wire from when I was in The Wedding Singer?
29:57
Just as long as you take my motivational course that I tried to develop in Little Miss Sunshine.
30:02
I don't need that.
30:05
I've been on 50 first dates with motivational coaches.
30:11
Well, boy, are you pregnant?
30:15
Because I was a baby mom.
30:23
Oh.
30:24
Well, I think this fight's a draw.
30:26
Okay, Mr. Daddy.
30:29
Mr. Big Daddy.
30:31
That's you.
30:32
You were a big daddy.
30:33
Yeah, I was putting my accomplishments on you.
30:35
I really wish I knew if we were ever in a movie together.
30:38
Maybe we were.
30:39
We might have been.
30:41
There's no way that we will ever know this or remember it.
30:44
Well, if you promise to let me keep coming over to use your loose tubes,
30:47
I promise to always be your friend.
30:50
Hey, my loose tubes are your loose tubes.
30:54
That makes me happy.
30:56
Thanks, Adam.
30:57
I'm glad we resolved this fight.
30:58
Who's Adam?
31:02
Whoa.
31:03
Wow.
31:03
That was crazy.
31:05
whoa i can't believe i was i felt like greg kinnear yeah i totally did too
31:10
yeah he was so nice he he went on me
31:14
he's nice like that he will go on you i think adam's nice too i think adam he was pretty nice
31:20
i wanted to do an impression but i've never done one before and i didn't want to do him a disservice
31:24
yeah uh i think you sounded exactly like adam sandler you like that yeah i bought a adam sandler
31:32
windpipe on Amazon.
31:35
That was a loose pipe.
31:38
Another.
31:38
Wow.
31:39
They're everywhere.
31:40
That's a sign.
31:41
All right.
31:42
Well, that has been Celebrity Fight Club.
31:45
Well, I'm glad that they worked it out.
31:48
Yeah, I was.
31:49
I was worried for a second.
31:50
Yeah, I thought it was going to get more violent.
31:52
But it all ended well.
31:54
Yeah.
31:55
Oh, I forgot to say Waterboy.
31:57
No, that's all right.
31:57
Next time they fight.
31:58
Yeah, because you know that it's happened.
32:01
They're not done.
32:02
They can't help themselves.
32:04
Well, it's time for one last segment here on the pod.
32:09
Segment we like to call.
32:11
The big question.
32:14
The question is very big.
32:18
Francis, do you have a big question for me?
32:20
Yeah, I got a huge question.
32:22
All right.
32:22
I'm ready.
32:24
Okay.
32:25
This is a regular question.
32:26
My question is if you were going to come up with a scam like what would your scam be how would you like scam like to get money from people
32:41
that's not the only scam this is your scam
32:43
but what else is there
32:45
I guess at the end of the day
32:46
it's all there is
32:49
I forgot about power
32:53
I think
32:56
I would want to do a scam
32:59
that involves that in the end is kind of harmless it doesn't hurt anybody doesn't really
33:09
so great can hear i know i'm channeling greg still um yeah it doesn't really but like it's
33:18
just more comedic more like why did anyone put in all the effort to do that okay um
33:26
i would do okay i would pretend to be superintendent of all the schools
33:36
you pretend to be superintendent well it's a scam i'm not actually the superintendent
33:40
well how do you make sure the real superintendent doesn't show up i
33:44
give i send the superintendent the real superintendent away on a cruise
33:53
the superintendent wins a cruise okay and as part of the cruise package
33:57
they say don't worry about your job you'll still be paid during this time someone another a trained
34:05
superintendent will come and they will take a they will run your job for you so you can just
34:10
have a good time nice and relaxing on your cruise and it's a no technology cruise so they can't be
34:16
reached i'm sorry i just if i can jump in yeah so your scam is not about making money and so far
34:24
you're down at least five grand for this cruise correct and you've got to find a cruise that's
34:28
no technology yep which tells me you're gonna have to buy a cruise ship correct yeah okay
34:32
just make sure i was on the no yeah no no on the same page um and
34:37
then okay so the superintendent's on the cruise i then say i'm making a new
34:48
teacher's schedule for all the teachers in the whole district and i'm gonna make some i'm gonna
34:56
shuffle some people around and so every kindergarten class every like first grade class
35:05
every second grade, whatever, they're all going to get a new teacher.
35:10
But from the existing pool of first grade, second grade, kindergarten teachers, what have you.
35:16
You're shuffling the teachers around?
35:18
Yes.
35:19
They're all still going to teach their own grades.
35:20
And no one's going to be like, this is weird that the stand in.
35:25
No.
35:26
No.
35:26
No, because part of what they have to do, part of the thing was the superintendent
35:33
had to record a video before getting onto the cruise
35:38
that was like, hey, this is a way to reassure everyone in the school district
35:43
that you're happy, that you're fine.
35:46
So the superintendent records this video that's like, hey, everybody out there,
35:51
I'm loving this cruise, I'm having a great time.
35:53
Listen to Jenna, she knows what she's talking about.
35:56
Use your real name.
35:58
Yeah, oh, no, no, I'm leaning into this, right?
36:02
so no I'm using my real name
36:04
because no one's losing money so no one's going to sue
36:07
right
36:08
and it's not even like
36:11
it's a
36:12
it's a prank more than anything else it's just
36:14
making teachers
36:15
teach at schools that are
36:18
not their normal schools and it'll just be like one
36:20
day at a time and this will be like a full week
36:22
and teachers rotate
36:24
from school to school
36:26
the kids get a different teacher every
36:28
day and the fun thing is I think the kids
36:30
will actually enjoy having a different teacher every day.
36:34
It's kind of fun to mix up the energy in the classroom.
36:37
So it's like a harmless prank, really.
36:40
If anything, it's helpful.
36:42
The teachers maybe get to see how other classrooms get run.
36:46
But nobody gets harmed.
36:49
It's not even like a kindergarten teacher is always teaching kindergarten.
36:54
So it's not like any teacher or any parent will be like,
36:57
hey you sent a second grade teacher
36:59
to teach my kindergarteners
37:01
you're ruining their education
37:05
you're
37:06
so upset I can't even tell you
37:09
what you are
37:10
I love the concept
37:13
but I just feel like
37:15
there's no scam
37:17
really in it, it's just a prank like you said
37:19
and now you're down like
37:21
millions of dollars
37:23
unless you happen to find a technology-less
37:25
cruise. But then you're still down
37:28
thousands of dollars. You got
37:29
nothing out of it. You used your real name.
37:34
Okay. As
37:35
part of this,
37:37
I don't pay for the
37:39
cruise ship.
37:42
I go
37:43
to Carnival Cruises
37:44
and I tell them
37:47
I tell them
37:53
they just want a trip
37:57
they just want a trip to Six Flags
38:03
and
38:05
I'll take care of their boat
38:08
for the week
38:09
so
38:12
the boat's free
38:14
of course
38:15
they get a free trip to Six Flags
38:17
but you had to pay for Six Flags
38:18
okay hear me out
38:21
i go to six flags of course i tell them okay you guys just won a trip to yosemite
38:34
you found a free place yes yosemite is free that's a national park yeah i don't have to pay
38:42
for that so then that's the end of the line now the six flags people are yosemite the carnival
38:47
people are at six flags the superintendents on the carnival cruise and the teachers all get mixed up
38:54
for a fun week okay yeah i've come around to this and i didn't have to pay for anything
38:59
somehow yep well done thank you excellent scam you really uh really run an oceans 11 over here
39:08
yeah uh and the great thing is is like everyone's gonna come back they're gonna have a great time
39:14
so even if they realize what just happened to them that they'd all been duped they're like
39:20
you know what i got a picture of me on a roller coaster screaming looking scared and it's gonna
39:26
go up my fridge now i can't be that mad at jenna i got a picture of me at yosemite yeah
39:31
crapping into a rock toilet yes exactly i drove by a 10 year old's i got a picture of him
39:39
No, you don't endorse that.
39:41
Don't do that.
39:42
You really don't.
39:43
Six Flags employees, when you're at Yosemite, don't take pictures of 10-year-olds that you don't know.
39:48
They could be the future inventor of loose tubes for all you know.
39:51
I know.
39:53
So, yeah, that would be my scam.
39:56
Thank you.
39:57
You're welcome.
39:59
Do you have a scam in mind?
40:03
No.
40:04
Okay.
40:05
Well, I mean, it's hard to follow.
40:07
It's hard to follow.
40:09
Something like that.
40:10
I know.
40:12
God, listeners, if you're listening, don't do that scam.
40:15
That's my scam, okay?
40:16
Or do.
40:17
You can't get in trouble.
40:18
All you did was lie.
40:20
Yeah.
40:22
You just, yeah.
40:24
Just gay people, good time.
40:26
That's all you did.
40:27
I thought you just said, gay people, good time.
40:29
That too.
40:31
Carnival Cruise.
40:32
Hey, gay people, good time.
40:35
Come on my cruise.
40:37
so yeah that's uh that's that's my scam i stand by it okay i will log it in the book of scams
40:45
all right well that wraps up the big question big question all right well there's only one
40:52
final bit of business uh-huh um the word of the day yep uh i said mine i said mine you did
41:04
I did say mine.
41:06
Okay.
41:07
Joe looked at a disbelief.
41:09
I said it and he missed it.
41:10
Wow.
41:11
No, no, I said it.
41:11
Well, I believe you.
41:13
I said mine during Invention of the Week.
41:15
You did?
41:15
Yeah.
41:17
When did you say yours?
41:19
During that too.
41:21
Ooh.
41:22
Wow.
41:22
We just had words flying all over the place.
41:26
I wrote down Onslaught.
41:30
No.
41:31
Huh.
41:32
Was yours pneumatic?
41:34
I didn't say pneumatic.
41:36
I thought maybe you did.
41:37
No, I should have, though, because that would have really made sense with the tubes.
41:40
No, my word was licks.
41:43
Licks?
41:43
Yeah.
41:44
L-I-C-K-S?
41:45
Yep.
41:47
When did you say that?
41:48
Get your licks in?
41:50
We'll hear it later.
41:51
I don't remember.
41:53
I for sure said it.
41:54
Okay.
41:56
My word was trimmings.
42:00
I said, so when you're talking about the tubes coming down,
42:03
I said so the tubes are basically
42:06
like a soda machine
42:08
but without all the trimmings
42:09
I'm sorry I can't hear the word trimming
42:12
without thinking of something else
42:14
listener get your mind out of the gutter
42:16
yeah we're talking about ribbons
42:18
miser hands
42:19
alright
42:22
well we didn't get it
42:23
well again both coming up
42:25
we're just too good at this
42:27
great bit we're doing huh
42:29
really successful bit
42:31
I hope the listener appreciates how much.
42:34
Well, it's a difficult thing to do.
42:39
To pick it out in the middle of our amazing dialogue.
42:46
That's winding down.
42:48
We're sundowning.
42:49
Yeah.
42:49
Oh, it's getting.
42:52
Hey, let's go to bed, babe.
42:55
Sure thing, babe.
42:56
Got your loose tube?
42:57
Got mine on my side of bed.
42:59
I do.
43:01
uh,
43:03
well,
43:03
with that,
43:04
uh,
43:05
this is another episode of friends like us.
43:08
Yeah.
43:09
Thanks for listening.
43:10
Okay.
43:11
Bye.
43:12
You hang up first.
43:14
No,
43:14
you hang up first.