Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #403 The Strict Parents - Andrew & Miriam

Transcript

#403 The Strict Parents - Andrew & Miriam · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

0:03
Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families podcast.
0:05
Speaker 2: It's the podcast for the time poor parent who just
0:09
Speaker 2: wants answers Now. Strict parenting for us is around responsibilities
0:13
Speaker 2: and it's around correction. Can you just chill if you
0:16
Speaker 2: had a problem, you can go to your room for
0:18
Speaker 2: a while. Okay.
0:19
Speaker 3: We'd like to raise our children to respect authority.
0:23
Speaker 2: We've chose to parent in the strict parenting model because
0:26
Speaker 2: a little bit like a railway train, when the railway
0:28
Speaker 2: trains on the tracks, it's actually working the best way
0:31
Speaker 2: that's made to work well.
0:33
Speaker 4: Parental Guidance is no longer on the telly, but there's
0:35
Speaker 4: still plenty to unpack from it. This is doctor Justin Coulson,
0:39
Speaker 4: the co host and parenting expert on the channel Line
0:41
Speaker 4: TV show at Parental Guidance. I'm here with Kylie, my wife,
0:44
Speaker 4: mum to our six kids, and Kylie, we've just had
0:47
Speaker 4: so much fun over the last few days talking with
0:49
Speaker 4: the parents from Parental Guidance about their experience. Who we've
0:52
Speaker 4: got today.
0:53
Speaker 1: We have got Andrew and Miriam joining us today and
0:56
Speaker 1: I can't wait to have a conversation with them.
0:58
Speaker 4: About strict parenting or just parents generally.
1:00
Speaker 1: Just parenting in general and their experience from the show
1:04
Speaker 1: and what they learned.
1:06
Speaker 4: Andrew Miriam, thanks so much for joining us on the
1:07
Speaker 4: Happy Families podcasts.
1:09
Speaker 2: No worries about to be What did.
1:11
Speaker 1: You hope to gain from being on the show.
1:13
Speaker 2: We were on the show with a real desire to
1:15
Speaker 2: be part of a national conversation about parenting. We know
1:17
Speaker 2: the importance of parenting. Sadly, kids don't come with a guidebook,
1:21
Speaker 2: do they, So we know how important it is, and
1:24
Speaker 2: we knew the importance of having a national conversation. We
1:26
Speaker 2: thought we had things to learn, but also things to
1:28
Speaker 2: contribute to that conversation.
1:30
Speaker 3: Yeah, we're really excited to be part of something that
1:33
Speaker 3: was going to put conversations about parenting into every household
1:37
Speaker 3: across the country, and just the tremendous learnings that we
1:40
Speaker 3: hoped would come out of that as people picked up
1:42
Speaker 3: new things, thought about why they parent the way they parent.
1:47
Speaker 3: You know, those conversations are so useful, and often they're
1:51
Speaker 3: not the normal conversations you have at a barbecue, but
1:53
Speaker 3: so important to.
1:54
Speaker 1: Have holding a mirror up to your own parenting on
1:57
Speaker 1: national TV would have to be one of the most
2:00
Speaker 1: courageous things I can think any parent could do, and
2:04
Speaker 1: you guys have Actually you've come out of the show
2:07
Speaker 1: with your heads held high and your kids are such
2:11
Speaker 1: a real credit to you. That were just beautiful. We
2:14
Speaker 1: got to see so many different experience Is that one
2:17
Speaker 1: with Timothy on the wall? Oh my goodness, you had
2:20
Speaker 1: my heart right there. What courageous and brave little boy
2:24
Speaker 1: you're raising.
2:25
Speaker 3: Yeah, it's definitely a very challenging, vulnerable thing to see
2:30
Speaker 3: that mirror in front of yourself as your parenting.
2:33
Speaker 2: But we are just.
2:34
Speaker 3: So proud of our three children and the way that
2:37
Speaker 3: they have participated in the show, gone with the ups
2:42
Speaker 3: and downs, no matter what's been happening, their willingness to
2:45
Speaker 3: try and do their best, they've been amazing.
2:48
Speaker 4: Yeah. I've had a few experiences where my kids, because
2:52
Speaker 4: our kids are older than yours. We've got these six
2:54
Speaker 4: kids age from sort of early twenties, mid twenties down
2:56
Speaker 4: to seven, and I've had these experiences where the kids
3:00
Speaker 4: will they'll pull out their mobile phone. They'll be recording
3:03
Speaker 4: what's happening around the dinner table or what's happening in
3:05
Speaker 4: the kitchen, like literally nothing's going on, but they're recording
3:08
Speaker 4: because they're kids and They're always recording stuff, right, just
3:10
Speaker 4: in case something happens, and maybe I'm not aware of that.
3:13
Speaker 4: And so I'll walk into the kitchen and I'll say something,
3:16
Speaker 4: and then thirty seconds later, I hear it being played
3:19
Speaker 4: back on their phone because they've recorded it, and I
3:21
Speaker 4: hear my tone, and I'm always surprised. I don't realize
3:26
Speaker 4: what my tone is. Sometimes I don't come across quite
3:28
Speaker 4: as nicely as I think I'm coming across. Did you
3:31
Speaker 4: find as you were watching yourself on the TV? You
3:33
Speaker 4: were like, do I really sound like that? Did I
3:35
Speaker 4: really say that? Is that how we actually interacted with
3:38
Speaker 4: the kids there? Did you find that mirror that replaying
3:42
Speaker 4: of your activities confronting at any time?
3:45
Speaker 2: Yeah, certainly, And it certainly makes you think and gives
3:47
Speaker 2: you a new insight to yourself, and that's not always pretty.
3:51
Speaker 2: But one of the great things from it was that
3:53
Speaker 2: it was an incredible opportunity to learn. And you know,
3:56
Speaker 2: we're the lucky ones because we had that experience, and
3:59
Speaker 2: I think we're better pe it's coming out of the
4:00
Speaker 2: show for it, So you know what an opportunity that's
4:03
Speaker 2: been for us.
4:04
Speaker 3: I mean, the thing about parenting is it's a constant journey.
4:08
Speaker 3: You never reached an all knowing point, and even if
4:11
Speaker 3: you did, then your children grow and change and then
4:14
Speaker 3: you're back to not knowing it all again. It's a
4:16
Speaker 3: constant process of learning and changing as the children grow.
4:20
Speaker 2: And it's so true. And one thing that we value
4:23
Speaker 2: as a family is humility. Not that we always get
4:25
Speaker 2: it right, but that idea of if you can take
4:28
Speaker 2: a humble approach, you're able to learn and not feel
4:30
Speaker 2: like you've gotten all together or have all the answers.
4:32
Speaker 2: And as soon as you move into an arrogant space
4:34
Speaker 2: and pairting, I think you've moved into the wrong space
4:37
Speaker 2: because you're always growing, you're always learning, and it helps
4:41
Speaker 2: keep you in the right frame of mind.
4:43
Speaker 4: And children are good for helping to keep you humble.
4:49
Speaker 4: Well after the break, we're going to find out how
4:51
Speaker 4: parental guidance has affected Andrew Miriam's parenting, who their biggest
4:56
Speaker 4: teachers were on the show, and how the show has
4:58
Speaker 4: strengthened their family. It's the Happy Families Podcast with Justin
5:02
Speaker 4: and Kylee. It's their Happy Famili's podcast.
5:06
Speaker 2: For a happier family, Try a Happy Families membership, because
5:09
Speaker 2: a happy family doesn't just happen details at happy families
5:13
Speaker 2: dot com dot au.
5:15
Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families podcast, the podcast for the time
5:18
Speaker 1: poor parent who just wants answers now. And today we're
5:20
Speaker 1: talking with superstars Andrew and Miriam from Parental Guide Comply.
5:25
Speaker 4: We're talking with real people on the real TV. It's amazing.
5:28
Speaker 1: How did the kids feel about themselves being on TV?
5:31
Speaker 1: I mean, now that it's aired and they've actually watched
5:34
Speaker 1: back on those experiences and relived them through a totally
5:37
Speaker 1: different lens, how are they feeling about it?
5:40
Speaker 3: They're probably a mixture. They're really excited to have seen
5:43
Speaker 3: themselves on TV. And we've been watching together as a family,
5:47
Speaker 3: and we've been inviting some of the kids friends families
5:50
Speaker 3: to come and watch with us on different nights, and
5:52
Speaker 3: that's been a really exciting way to view it. They've
5:56
Speaker 3: definitely had some parts leading up to the airing of
6:00
Speaker 3: certain pieces that they were quite apprehensive about, but we've
6:04
Speaker 3: had some really good help about how to how they
6:09
Speaker 3: could then have conversations about those parts with their friends afterwards,
6:13
Speaker 3: and so that help really has enabled them to move
6:16
Speaker 3: through those things without any significant issues. Really.
6:21
Speaker 4: Yeah, that's nice, that's great.
6:23
Speaker 1: How has it affected your parenting overall?
6:26
Speaker 3: I think overall it's helped me to see in certain
6:30
Speaker 3: areas where I need to loosen the reins a bit
6:33
Speaker 3: and do things a bit differently. Particularly for Timothy, our youngest,
6:37
Speaker 3: I feel that potentially I haven't given him as much
6:41
Speaker 3: freedom as the older children have had, and I've a
6:46
Speaker 3: few times thought to myself, I need to just give
6:49
Speaker 3: him more freedom, give him a bit more room to explore,
6:53
Speaker 3: to be independent. And so it's been a bit of
6:57
Speaker 3: a stretch for me sometimes, but I've been doing that,
6:59
Speaker 3: allowing him to get out and do some things on
7:03
Speaker 3: his own that previously he hadn't had those opportunities to do.
7:08
Speaker 2: And for me, I have really benefited from the idea
7:11
Speaker 2: that having a parent in gearbox and acknowledging that. I think.
7:15
Speaker 2: I think every style has a role to play in
7:18
Speaker 2: the family if they're used in the right way at
7:19
Speaker 2: the right time. And so thinking about what is the
7:22
Speaker 2: best parenting style that I need right now for my
7:24
Speaker 2: child that is appropriate in our family, it's appropriate for
7:28
Speaker 2: their age, and so giving myself freedom not to be
7:32
Speaker 2: to be constrained by one style, and maybe we have
7:34
Speaker 2: a more of a strict flavor, but that doesn't mean
7:36
Speaker 2: we can't benefit from the other styles at times, you know,
7:41
Speaker 2: helping kids connect with nature, which we do anyway, but
7:43
Speaker 2: just even doing more of that sometimes at times moving
7:46
Speaker 2: into a free range gear we're giving the child freedom
7:50
Speaker 2: to choose and to set their own limits is really
7:52
Speaker 2: helpful at times. I think, particularly with toddlers, it's right
7:56
Speaker 2: to be a helicopter parent for their own safety. You've
7:58
Speaker 2: been right there, so as I've thought about it, it's
8:01
Speaker 2: helping to reach my own parenting and not just narrowly
8:04
Speaker 2: see myself as a strict parent, but actually benefit from
8:07
Speaker 2: a whole range of parenting styles which we can pick
8:11
Speaker 2: and choose from it as we need to.
8:12
Speaker 4: I love how thoughtful you are about this. Let me
8:15
Speaker 4: ask one quick question. When you think about all the
8:19
Speaker 4: different styles that you purchased, My question, Oh, come on, really,
8:23
Speaker 4: we're going to say the same thing.
8:24
Speaker 1: I was just thinking as Andrew was talking, just this
8:27
Speaker 1: acknowledgment that there's no absolutes. We don't have to be
8:30
Speaker 1: stuck in this sense that I am this person or
8:34
Speaker 1: I am this parent.
8:36
Speaker 4: The TV show, it makes sense that we've got different
8:38
Speaker 4: parenting styles, but we all adapt to context.
8:41
Speaker 1: And I just I love that acknowledgment that we can
8:44
Speaker 1: have a bit of everything in our toolkit and it
8:46
Speaker 1: comes out at appropriate time.
8:48
Speaker 4: So, well, that wasn't exactly what I was going to
8:50
Speaker 4: I know you weren't.
8:50
Speaker 1: I'm just prefacing so you can now answer that ask
8:52
Speaker 1: the question, all right, Well.
8:54
Speaker 4: The question was going to be if there was one family,
8:57
Speaker 4: and I know you could probably say something wonderful about
8:59
Speaker 4: all ten of the parenting styles that we saw, but
9:03
Speaker 4: if there was one parenting style or one couple who
9:07
Speaker 4: really influenced you and impacted the way that you're now
9:09
Speaker 4: engaging with the children that you hadn't previously been engaging
9:14
Speaker 4: with them in that way, Which couple or which family,
9:17
Speaker 4: which parenting style was the one that was potentially most
9:20
Speaker 4: influential for you in the evolution of your parenting thinking
9:24
Speaker 4: to date.
9:24
Speaker 1: What he really wants to know, guys, is who is
9:26
Speaker 1: your favorite?
9:27
Speaker 2: Right?
9:29
Speaker 3: I think they're different answers to those two questions questions. Yeah,
9:35
Speaker 3: I can't even answer your specifically justin The thing I
9:38
Speaker 3: would say is that the attachment style of parenting is
9:42
Speaker 3: something that I'd never heard of before, So it was
9:44
Speaker 3: a completely new way of parenting that I had no
9:48
Speaker 3: knowledge of before, right, So I have found myself thinking
9:53
Speaker 3: at times, you know, if I was parenting in that style,
9:57
Speaker 3: like what would I do in this situation? So that
10:00
Speaker 3: has been influential to me because I'm sort of thinking, oh, like,
10:06
Speaker 3: what would you do if you were parenting from this
10:08
Speaker 3: kind of position. So it's given me opportunities to think
10:12
Speaker 3: about things from a different perspective.
10:15
Speaker 2: The other.
10:18
Speaker 3: Parenting style is probably more the free range, which I
10:21
Speaker 3: would say that to some extent, we already had elements
10:24
Speaker 3: of that in the way we parent, but that particularly
10:27
Speaker 3: with Timothy, I've found more opportunities to just go he
10:31
Speaker 3: needs a bit more free range, you know, and he's
10:33
Speaker 3: had some opportunities to get out and ride his bike
10:36
Speaker 3: on his own, which we hadn't done with him previously.
10:40
Speaker 3: So I'd say those two styles have brought some helpful
10:45
Speaker 3: elements into the way we're parenting now.
10:47
Speaker 2: Yeah, i'd probably agree. Yeah, just I think the attaching
10:52
Speaker 2: parents again with some ideas I hadn't heard before, And
10:56
Speaker 2: there's some really helpful ideas there around connecting with the
11:00
Speaker 2: old and you addressing the engaging with the emotion and
11:07
Speaker 2: not need to try and fix the emotion. But just
11:10
Speaker 2: engaging with them. That's a really helpful idea, and particularly
11:12
Speaker 2: the ideas of you know, not this wasn't particularly unique
11:16
Speaker 2: to the attachment style, but just the idea of you know,
11:19
Speaker 2: you don't parent well, if you flipped your lid, if
11:21
Speaker 2: you if you're if you're not in control of yourself,
11:23
Speaker 2: it's not a good place to be bringing any type
11:25
Speaker 2: of correction or instruction. And so in those sort of sense,
11:29
Speaker 2: you know that the free range parents, you know, they
11:33
Speaker 2: they showed a tremendous capacity not to get worked up
11:36
Speaker 2: or it's upset about things, but just to keep a
11:38
Speaker 2: really level keel. And that's a that's a great thing
11:41
Speaker 2: to do. And I think all parents, if they're really honest,
11:44
Speaker 2: sometimes parenting does get to them. And you know, just
11:47
Speaker 2: to be able to take a chill pill, to to
11:49
Speaker 2: regather themselves and a parent from a good place is
11:52
Speaker 2: a really positive message. And we already have already known,
11:57
Speaker 2: but we've been reminded all Kylie.
11:59
Speaker 4: Did you notice that Andrew Miriam did not say that
12:02
Speaker 4: they took the idea of homeschooling to heart, that kids
12:05
Speaker 4: are still going to school.
12:08
Speaker 3: I actually have really really loved at the time that
12:11
Speaker 3: we've had our school at home, which Dev was very
12:15
Speaker 3: careful to make sure we understood there was a difference
12:17
Speaker 3: between home school difference. I've loved the school at home time,
12:22
Speaker 3: but it has also come with challenges, and so while
12:26
Speaker 3: I really enjoyed that period, I am glad that the
12:29
Speaker 3: kids are back at school again now.
12:30
Speaker 4: I guess if I was to ask one final question,
12:33
Speaker 4: how would you say that the process, for all of
12:35
Speaker 4: its ups and downs and the challenge and the mirror
12:38
Speaker 4: in front of you, in front of the whole country,
12:39
Speaker 4: that kind of thing, how would you say that it's
12:41
Speaker 4: strengthened your family? Because I can hear undertones and currents
12:44
Speaker 4: of that throughout our entire conversation. But if you were
12:47
Speaker 4: a really zero, what's it done for your family? Has
12:49
Speaker 4: it strengthened it?
12:50
Speaker 3: It's definitely brought about conversations that we wouldn't have had otherwise.
12:53
Speaker 3: You know, we've had some experiences that are so different
12:56
Speaker 3: to normal experiences, and some opportunities for all five of
13:01
Speaker 3: us to look at how we respond to people. You know,
13:05
Speaker 3: what our faces look like when you respond to someone,
13:08
Speaker 3: what the tone of voice is like. And that's given
13:11
Speaker 3: us all opportunities to reflect and think about that more.
13:15
Speaker 2: Yeah, I guess guess that sense of shared experience and
13:18
Speaker 2: adventure together. I think you can look back and remember,
13:21
Speaker 2: I remember that time when Luke Breber Wooden spoon. I
13:23
Speaker 2: wasn't that a crack up? Oh my goodness. And it's
13:26
Speaker 2: that sense of adventure and shared experience and to be
13:29
Speaker 2: able to recollect in the future about that, but also
13:32
Speaker 2: to look back and to grow and to take some
13:34
Speaker 2: of the elements of different pairing styles and incorporate that
13:38
Speaker 2: into what we're doing. We've met people that we wouldn't
13:40
Speaker 2: have met otherwise, and we've learned in ways you wouldn't
13:42
Speaker 2: have learned otherwise because our involvement, and we're really thankful
13:45
Speaker 2: for that.
13:46
Speaker 3: And we've come out at the end of this program
13:48
Speaker 3: with a great new bunch of friends.
13:50
Speaker 4: Yeah, wonderf conversation, wonderful couple. Andrew Mirriam from Parental Guidance,
13:55
Speaker 4: thanks so much for joining us on the Happy Families Podcast.
13:57
Speaker 3: Thank you.
13:57
Speaker 2: I'm good to be here.
13:58
Speaker 4: The Happy Families Podcast is produced by Justin Ruland from
14:01
Speaker 4: Bridge Media. Craig Bruce is our executive producer. Black Friday
14:06
Speaker 4: Sale This coming Friday, we are going to have so
14:10
Speaker 4: many amazing things that I know you're going to want
14:12
Speaker 4: to know about. Please stay close to our Facebook page
14:15
Speaker 4: Dr Justin Colson's Happy Families for all the Black Friday info.
14:18
Speaker 4: Make sure you subscribe to the newsletter as well. That's
14:21
Speaker 4: where you'll find out all of the super secret specials.
14:24
Speaker 4: Or if you just want to make your family happier
14:26
Speaker 4: more generally, visit happy families dot com today