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Strength Of Scars · Is Your Way In Your Way?

• 0:25
  Cassandra: Good day out there to all my listeners.
• 0:27
  Cassandra: And I'd like to welcome you to Is Your Way in Your Way.
• 0:32
  Cassandra: And this podcast, let me tell you about it for my new listeners out there.
• 0:36
  Cassandra: This is where we uncover fear, uh, I would say habits, barriers, limiting beliefs, um, that self-doubt that keeps you from living your best life on your terms.
• 0:52
  Cassandra: And my name is Cassandra Crawley Mayo, for those new listeners.
• 0:56
  Cassandra: And yes, I'm gonna be your host, as I indicated.
• 0:59
  Cassandra: And today's story is actually gonna shift the way that you see your own story.
• 1:05
  Cassandra: Uh, and we talk about topics related to personal improvement, uh, personal development, and I'm also enable you to do some self-reflection.
• 1:15
  Cassandra: And I always pray about my podcast that I'm hopeful that for my listeners, for those who are listening, there will be somebody or somebody that will say, you know what?
• 1:27
  Cassandra: Okay, if she can do this, I can do it.
• 1:30
  Cassandra: So therefore they start pivoting and they are able to do what it is that that with that fire in your belly that's calling you to do something, but in the back, you just can't do it, and you're trying to figure it out.
• 1:42
  Cassandra: So today our topic is called um finding purpose and pain and power in faith.
• 1:51
  Cassandra: And our guest today, I'm going to introduce you to Avonley Lightstone.
• 1:57
  Cassandra: And uh Avonley, how are you today?
• 2:01
  Cassandra: And am I pronouncing your name correctly?
• 2:04
  Avonley: Yes, so it's Avon Lee, and thank you so much for having me on your show.
• 2:10
  Avonley: I'm really excited.
• 2:12
  Cassandra: Yeah, I'm glad you're here.
• 2:13
  Cassandra: Uh, I want to ask my my audience, um, what what if their scars that they've been trying to hide, you know, like things happen in the in your backstory?
• 2:25
  Cassandra: Like I know individuals where things happen to them and they never they didn't tell me until years later what was going on in their family and why they were like they were.
• 2:36
  Cassandra: And also, what if the parts of those stories were so painful that we're actually God's pathway to perhaps your purpose?
• 2:47
  Cassandra: So therefore, you you actually lived it from an age of three years old, and your story is one that will shift, as I indicated, how people are going to see their own story.
• 3:00
  Cassandra: So, what I'm gonna do is to read a little bit of your bio so people understand what qualifies you to talk about, what we're gonna talk about.
• 3:10
  Cassandra: Okay.
• 3:11
  Cassandra: Um, Avonley is an author of Strength of Scars, a gripping memoir of survival, faith, and radical resilience.
• 3:22
  Cassandra: After losing her mother in a tragic house fire at just three years old, and then she was placed into an adoption shortly after.
• 3:33
  Cassandra: She endured years of emotional, physical, and mental abuse.
• 3:38
  Cassandra: Yet, through unwavering faith and a commitment to healing, you transform your trauma into a testimony.
• 3:45
  Cassandra: So today you're going to share your story, how others uncover beauty and brokenness and reclaim their identity and find strength through their scars.
• 3:54
  Cassandra: And Avonley, Avenley, let me ask you when you tried to save your mom from the fire, right?
• 4:04
  Cassandra: Your dad, was it true that your dad wasn't around or he had an addiction or he what what was going on with your dad when you lost everything?
• 4:15
  Avonley: So um during the time when my mom was caught, like she was making food in her sorry, which is a very flammable material caught on fire pretty rapidly.
• 4:27
  Avonley: And uh my dad was home at the time, and but he was just drunk and passed out.
• 4:33
  Avonley: And when I went to wake him up and get him to let him know, like, hey, mom needs help, he just wouldn't respond.
• 4:41
  Avonley: Um, and that was just kind of like his life lifestyle.
• 4:44
  Avonley: We were in a poor area, and um he was um a painter, so like we had a big family, and there was a lot of stress and on him, and I think drinking was his way of coping, and he didn't realize, you know, like when you drink your life away to the point where you're unconscious, um, and you can't help a family out that's hurting, like there's nothing you can do there, um, especially in that moment.
• 5:15
  Avonley: And so that was what was going on.
• 5:17
  Avonley: He was he was in his own like traumatic event in his mind that he was dealing with, but it happened to be in an unnecessary time when my mom really needed help and he wasn't responding.
• 5:33
  Avonley: And then I just felt like I needed to just go take care of my mom, and I just hugged her really tight, refused to let her go.
• 5:40
  Cassandra: Okay, okay, so you weren't an only child.
• 5:44
  Avonley: No, I wasn't.
• 5:45
  Avonley: My my parents had nine children total.
• 5:48
  Avonley: Many of them were already like out to school, so they weren't home.
• 5:53
  Avonley: My baby sister was with me, but my grandparents was with was taking care of her at the time, and I was just left home alone with my parents.
• 6:02
  Avonley: And I just knew I couldn't go grab my grandparents at the time because my mom was needing the help right away, because she was like engulfed in flames, like she was she needed that help.
• 6:16
  Cassandra: Right, right.
• 6:17
  Cassandra: Um, so your mom didn't make it, or did she?
• 6:22
  Avonley: No, she didn't make it after like three days of being in the hospital.
• 6:26
  Avonley: She passed away and she was completely burned all over, completely.
• 6:31
  Avonley: She was unrecognizable.
• 6:33
  Cassandra: Wow, I'm so sorry.
• 6:35
  Cassandra: And after that, you were put up for adoption by your grandparents, or how did that okay?
• 6:44
  Avonley: So, what happened is um I think there's good context right here.
• 6:49
  Avonley: So when my mom and I were in the hospital, we just had to like like I didn't have any sort of medication to kind of numb my pain.
• 7:00
  Avonley: And so they had to like clean me up, um, tear like the debris, scrub the debris, debris off of my back that I was burnt, and same with my mom.
• 7:11
  Avonley: And I I was very fortunate not be you know um burned on my face or like the chest area, so I was then able to lay flat on a um cot for me to just air dry.
• 7:27
  Avonley: And it was in that moment when my dad did come visit, my um sisters did, um, siblings did come visit, but after my mom passed away at like three days later, my dad stopped showing up, my family stopped showing up.
• 7:42
  Avonley: And once I recovered from from the hospital and I was released to go home, um the only thing I do remember was going to pay respect to my mom, and then my dad placed me up for adoption.
• 7:57
  Avonley: And I think it has to do with the guilt of what had happened, and he wasn't sober mindful to help me.
• 8:05
  Avonley: Okay.
• 8:05
  Cassandra: Uh, you said you you grew up in a poor community.
• 8:08
  Cassandra: Were you in India?
• 8:09
  Cassandra: Where were you located?
• 8:11
  Avonley: Yeah, I was in India in like one of the biggest cities in the world, Bangalore.
• 8:16
  Avonley: And um, yeah, just in a poor area at that time.
• 8:22
  Cassandra: Okay.
• 8:22
  Cassandra: So when you put when your dad put you up for adoption or you were put up for adoption, were did you still stay in India?
• 8:30
  Cassandra: Did you leave the country?
• 8:33
  Avonley: So no, not at that time.
• 8:35
  Avonley: So when I was placed up for adoption, um, it was close to um close to where I lived.
• 8:42
  Avonley: Yeah, I was um placed into adoption two weeks before he decided to put my other three siblings up for adoption as well.
• 8:50
  Avonley: Um and I remember like a couple times we ran away from the orphanage to go back home, which we did a couple times, and which made my dad take us to a completely different um location where we had no idea of our like geographical locations and how to get back home.
• 9:14
  Avonley: Um, and so once he placed us up for like a different location further away, then um we just knew we couldn't go home after that.
• 9:26
  Cassandra: Okay.
• 9:26
  Cassandra: So from that time and uh years ahead, I'm I'm certain you endured emotional, physical, and mental abuse.
• 9:36
  Cassandra: Are you able to describe that now and share with the audience how you got through that at three years old?
• 9:47
  Avonley: Oh yeah.
• 9:47
  Avonley: So, like you're talking about when I was in India, like how I overcame that.
• 9:52
  Avonley: Yeah.
• 9:52
  Avonley: Yeah.
• 9:53
  Avonley: So honestly, I don't really really remember a lot of the abuse that I went through when I was in India.
• 9:59
  Avonley: Um, I just I think um what really started for me was the rejection um of my dad when he stopped showing up to like help me like recover.
• 10:14
  Avonley: And like in that moment, I didn't have anybody.
• 10:18
  Avonley: And um, so I I really did take in all the memories of what had happened when I was a child at that time.
• 10:25
  Avonley: It wasn't until I was adopted to my new family was where a lot of the abuse happened to me.
• 10:37
  Avonley: Yeah.
• 10:38
  Avonley: And um I was very fortunate to be brought up into a family where um it was religious.
• 10:49
  Avonley: So I I felt like I knew God.
• 10:51
  Avonley: And I think I think that was my saving grace was knowing that even though I was completely utterly alone and I was going through a lot of abuse, um, and I wasn't the only one, I had my other siblings go through this abuse, um, it was it was knowing that God was still around and that I could talk to him.
• 11:19
  Avonley: And even though like as I was building my faith towards him, I was I was just I guess building my faith on him, knowing, okay, well, what else do I have to lose?
• 11:34
  Avonley: Like I I've lost everything, lost my family in India, and I really don't I was groomed to know that I'm gonna have a really good family here in America, which you know, most part like my dad was amazing.
• 11:49
  Avonley: I never my adoptive dad, he was amazing, and he was the one that brought a lot of love into the family household, but my mom was just she was horrible in a lot of ways, and it was just really hard to just um feel like you were anything, and and so you were just always kind of hiding in the shadows and always competing against other children to just kind of try to get her love, and it was kind of a disgusting pattern, and it's just it's just not like the right way for a children to try to get the love of their parent and feeling like hey, you're appreciated, you're wanted, because every single child was wanting that, and um, many times um I just happened to be the scapegoat, any problem that would happen, it was always it was always me that would take the front of anything that happened within the family.
• 12:53
  Cassandra: Uh-huh.
• 12:53
  Cassandra: So your adoptive parents, they were in the states.
• 12:57
  Cassandra: Okay.
• 12:58
  Cassandra: They were in the US.
• 13:01
  Avonley: Yes.
• 13:01
  Avonley: Here in Utah, I um grew up in Utah on a ranching, ranching home, which was really nice because like many people that aren't that are going through a lot of abusive situations in their life, um, they don't have a place to like run away.
• 13:21
  Avonley: And where we had a lot of land, I could I felt like I had more open space to just like run to and like talk to God.
• 13:32
  Avonley: And though that was like my safe place was animals and being able to talk to God.
• 13:37
  Avonley: So that was helpful.
• 13:40
  Cassandra: Okay, was there a uh a pivotal moment for you during this time that enabled you to be the person that you are today?
• 14:17
  Cassandra: Like in that space, where did you have dreams?
• 14:20
  Cassandra: Was it anything you wanted to do or be or any of that as you were growing up?
• 14:28
  Avonley: Um, yeah, I would say there was a lot of times when um I had mentioned in my book that I was very suicidal and I wanted to um take my life many, many times, but there was just always this feeling that hey, um you don't know what your future holds, and you won't ever know if your life is gone.
• 14:54
  Avonley: And it's always kind of been a mystery to me.
• 14:58
  Avonley: Like, well, yeah, that would be nice to know if um I will be happier.
• 15:03
  Avonley: You know, you start talking to yourself, and it's kind of fast, it's fascinating me.
• 15:10
  Avonley: So I kind of withhold held myself from um going forward with that action and try to um, you know, entertain the idea like, hey, I actually am enough.
• 15:22
  Avonley: Um, and I want to try to see what my life can be.
• 15:27
  Avonley: And there's been many times where like I felt like maybe it was God that was sending um like image into my mind whenever I went to sleep.
• 15:36
  Avonley: Like, hey, like soothing me, letting me know like my mom was okay, and that um she was around comforting, comforting me, even though like my adopted mom wasn't.
• 15:49
  Avonley: And it was like his way of saying, like, you're still seen, even though you can't see us, like we're still taking care of you.
• 15:59
  Avonley: Um, and so I really like held on to that.
• 16:02
  Avonley: And um through that time when I was still growing, I think he was planting a lot of like visions in my mind because there was a lot of thoughts in my mind that would talk about, like, yeah, your story one day will reach a couple um some people, and you know, just in there and just do what's right, and like it's really hard to fathom, like, hmm, is my story gonna be a value to somebody?
• 16:31
  Avonley: Like as as a little child, you just don't know.
• 16:34
  Avonley: But you know, you just put that trust in God and you just kind of just obey Him and He just takes the will really and molds you.
• 16:44
  Cassandra: Yeah.
• 16:44
  Cassandra: Now, who in your family are uh introduced you to God?
• 16:51
  Avonley: So um yeah, my parents were um LDS, so we went to church every Sunday.
• 17:01
  Avonley: Latter-day saints, uh-huh.
• 17:02
  Avonley: Yes, every Sunday, and we went like we were very like every single Sunday we went to church, and in those church meetings, I had a many great people in that community that would talk about God and um and we're just really great examples, and that's kind of like what I took in.
• 17:26
  Avonley: Wow, and also I think one of one of the amazing things about I I really that church teaches is hey, there's more to afterlife, and so that's what really triggered my mind was hey, there's more to afterlife because the church teaches a lot about um having your family together forever in the afterlife, and you need to be sold to the and in this temple.
• 17:56
  Avonley: Um, so with that knowledge, I just kind of knew like, hey, I'll I'll see my mom one day, and I'll see my family in India one day if I don't ever get to see them in real life.
• 18:10
  Avonley: Okay.
• 18:11
  Avonley: Um it's just knowing that hey, I can I'll see them again.
• 18:17
  Avonley: And it was just really comforting to know that.
• 18:21
  Cassandra: Okay, okay.
• 18:22
  Cassandra: So it's it sounds like all of that sustained you the relationship you have with God, the afterlife that you felt in your heart that you would see your family again.
• 18:33
  Cassandra: So that that can be going, and also you indicated based on what you had gone through, you believed that there was somebody that even though it happened to you, but the story could be translated to others to also to give them hope.
• 18:50
  Cassandra: And that's that's um, and that's kind of I'm assuming um that's where your book came from.
• 18:57
  Cassandra: Is that right?
• 18:58
  Cassandra: Mm-hmm.
• 18:59
  Cassandra: Yes, yeah.
• 19:01
  Cassandra: Tell us a little bit.
• 19:02
  Cassandra: Is the book just basically your story?
• 19:06
  Avonley: Yes, so it's a lot about my story about like a lot of the abuse that I went through, but then I um talk about like um when someone goes through sit maybe like a situation I have gone through, like here is um how you might want to look at it in a different lens.
• 19:28
  Avonley: So I kind of explain to the readers how to look at their um trauma into something of like more prominent in their own life and how they can um be able to heal within their own journey.
• 19:47
  Avonley: Yeah, it went and I wrote this story.
• 19:50
  Avonley: Actually, I never really wanted to write this story, uh, but I I went through um this forgiveness with my mom.
• 19:59
  Cassandra: Okay.
• 20:01
  Avonley: And it was when I um left the home, got married, and I start I got pregnant, is when I realized there's a lot of trauma that I'm holding in myself.
• 20:17
  Avonley: And a lot of times I thought, like, well, once I leave the house, I could forget about everything that happens.
• 20:24
  Avonley: But no, it doesn't work that doesn't work that way.
• 20:29
  Avonley: If you don't resolve the traumas or the pain in yourself, it will resurface at one point or another.
• 20:36
  Avonley: And when that happened to me was when I got pregnant with my first daughter, and I saw that um I like just a lot of flood of emotion was coming out of me, and I just it was so overwhelming, and there was a lot of triggering that was happening within me, and I knew like, oh my gosh, I have to fix this, whatever this is, I gotta take care of this because I I don't want to lay this onto my child, yeah, and have that repeating cycle over and over again.
• 21:13
  Avonley: Um, I want it to end with me, and so that's when I did a lot of self-reflection, did a lot of healing, a lot of fasting, and trying to get to a point where I can like heal from the trauma and forgiveness.
• 21:30
  Avonley: And forgiveness looks completely different to everyone.
• 21:34
  Avonley: And for me, I felt like I needed to like try to make it work with my mom because I saw like the division, it the fork in the road that was happening in our family and the way she was handling it, there was gonna be a great divide.
• 21:51
  Avonley: And I came to her explaining, hey, you know, if we don't fix these things and if we don't say sorry to one another, like I'm not gonna hold it against you, but let's move forward um and create a really happy like family because I felt like and I still strongly feel that if my mom would have made things work, like our families and our siblings would have been really great towards each other, to the community, and to one another.
• 22:20
  Avonley: And um, she wasn't she wasn't for that, and I've tried I tried to reconcile with her a few times, and um it just got to the point where I said, No, um I can't change you, you have to be the one to change you.
• 22:37
  Avonley: Um, but I did everything that I could and I took that to God, and that's when God, because I was really frustrated.
• 22:44
  Avonley: I'm like, what am I supposed to do?
• 22:46
  Avonley: What is this forgiveness?
• 22:48
  Cassandra: Yeah.
• 22:48
  Avonley: And he's like, he's like, just give it to me.
• 22:50
  Avonley: You did all that you can, and just start seeing me as that mother that you well always wanted.
• 22:57
  Avonley: And give me your burdens.
• 22:59
  Avonley: So that's what I did.
• 23:00
  Avonley: I've I gave all my burdens to God and said, okay, I'm I did what I can with this family.
• 23:06
  Avonley: I'm gonna just move forward.
• 23:08
  Avonley: And in that moment, I he lifted my suicidal tendencies.
• 23:14
  Avonley: So I never became suicidal.
• 23:17
  Avonley: And um, and he just kind of healed me.
• 23:21
  Avonley: Yeah, and I think it's just when we continue to look inward at ourselves and try to heal ourselves and not keep those baggage in us because it's not for us to take in.
• 23:37
  Avonley: And then we give those to God.
• 23:39
  Avonley: God really helps us, he renews us.
• 23:43
  Avonley: It's like he puts us in this refinery uh process where he just burn burns off the impurities and renews you as that gold person that you are meant to be, that shining gem that we're meant to be.
• 24:02
  Avonley: And if we just trust in God, knowing that He is there to like help us through these processes, then we can become this gem and that He wants us to be, and we can help other people that are um going through hard times, and we can be able to help our own self in our own lives and situations or trials that we'll have in the future, we can handle it much better.
• 24:33
  Avonley: And it wasn't um a few years later, that's when he was like, Okay, it's ready, you gotta write that book.
• 24:41
  Avonley: And I'll I'll tell you, like during that healing process, I was writing everything down in my childhood.
• 24:49
  Avonley: I didn't really think that would come into my book.
• 24:53
  Cassandra: Yeah.
• 24:53
  Avonley: And I was writing letters that I was gonna send off to my mom, but I never did.
• 24:59
  Avonley: It was all it was all just for me.
• 25:02
  Avonley: And then when he told me, like, hey, you need to start writing this book, and because it's not for you, like my your story is actually my story.
• 25:12
  Avonley: Right, you're like, I'm just the co-author of the story, he's the author.
• 25:17
  Avonley: And um, yeah, so I'm like, okay, yeah, I'll go ahead and write the story.
• 25:23
  Avonley: It was I had to fight a little because I didn't want to.
• 25:26
  Avonley: I'm very um uh private person.
• 25:31
  Avonley: I don't like to share a lot of things that happened in my sure life.
• 25:34
  Avonley: Here I am now getting social media and sharing my story, but I think it's for for the good.
• 25:41
  Avonley: I've been seeing so many wonderful, amazing people that have shared their stories and um have been really grateful that um my story has impacted them.
• 25:53
  Cassandra: Wow, your your story is a true testimony, and I am so grateful that you found God in your life, and it's not by mistake because he wanted you to tell your story, you know, because of him, and also for individuals that are listening, you know, based on what you've been through, I could actually feel I I felt I felt the sadness, then I felt the joy, you know.
• 26:31
  Cassandra: I I felt you you smile, you know, and you like, okay, I'm gonna give this to God.
• 26:37
  Cassandra: Um, I'm I'm I'm forgiving her.
• 26:39
  Cassandra: I'm not gonna forget it, but I've tried, I've done my part.
• 26:43
  Cassandra: Now God is like, okay, let me do my part, you know, and then from that, he he you birthed a daughter, and you were a little girl one time.
• 26:52
  Cassandra: And it's kind of like if you think about all the things that he has done in your life, it's for a purpose.
• 26:59
  Cassandra: And you you identified that, and from that, that's where your book came.
• 27:04
  Cassandra: And sure, I think you are private.
• 27:07
  Cassandra: If you think about all the things that you've gone through, um you could have been trapped in that story.
• 27:15
  Cassandra: You know, just just be there.
• 27:17
  Cassandra: And and what you your journey is not linear, you know.
• 27:22
  Cassandra: When what because I was going to ask you, what are some of the steps that you use to get through this?
• 27:27
  Cassandra: You talked about your relationship with God.
• 27:30
  Cassandra: Um, your book was healing.
• 27:32
  Cassandra: Sounds like it was very healing for you.
• 27:35
  Cassandra: Um, you went, you, you, you confronted your mom, your stepmom, you know, kind of shared.
• 27:42
  Cassandra: You didn't, you wrote letters, you didn't send the letter.
• 27:45
  Cassandra: So would you say, are there any other practices or tips that you can provide to my listeners that have gone or going through a journey like yours?
• 27:57
  Cassandra: Because I said in the beginning, before we even came on, I think we all have trauma.
• 28:01
  Cassandra: The trauma is just different.
• 28:04
  Cassandra: So, is there anything else that you did that's helping you get through this?
• 28:09
  Avonley: Yeah, so um, in this process um that I was going through a lot of healing, I came up with this method.
• 28:16
  Avonley: It's called the eye shed method, um, where it's like the eye, the it's just an acronym.
• 28:23
  Avonley: I stands for yourself identity identity.
• 28:27
  Avonley: You have to go within yourself and identify the trauma or the hurt that's happening, um, and what point of your childhood or um that you went through this pain.
• 28:43
  Avonley: Because the the first thing you have to do is you have to recognize that there is a problem.
• 28:50
  Avonley: If you're in denial, that's gonna just it's gonna take a long it.
• 28:57
  Avonley: I'll say it'll just take a longer time for you to heal.
• 29:00
  Avonley: You have to recognize that there is a problem, and once you're not in that denial state, then you look within yourself and say, where was I hurt?
• 29:12
  Avonley: Who did I hurt, or who hurt me, and how did that hurt?
• 29:16
  Avonley: You know, you're just pinpointing that, yeah.
• 29:19
  Avonley: And then what you're doing is you're taking the shedding process, which is an acronym.
• 29:25
  Avonley: Shedding is surrender, you're surrendering what had happened, you're no longer taking that burden or that pain that you went through, thinking that you have to take that, like you're the garbage, you're not a garbage.
• 29:43
  Avonley: Um, you you recycle that and try to renew it.
• 29:49
  Avonley: Okay, so you can you can't heal on your own strength.
• 29:52
  Avonley: So sometimes in that moment, you need to have God.
• 29:57
  Avonley: God is your like biggest source, he's gonna help you, and then um try to find good people in your life that you feel is safe, you know, whether it's a mentor, a teacher, um, or even a therapist, um, try someone that you can trust, that you could just feel like you could talk about.
• 30:21
  Avonley: Because when you purge, when you purge out like whatever pain you're going through, what you're doing is you're now going to the healing process.
• 30:31
  Avonley: You know, and that's the next acronym on the shedding.
• 30:35
  Avonley: Healing starts with the when you face the root causes, your childhood wounds, the trauma, the neglect, rejection.
• 30:45
  Avonley: And through that um healing, you can journal like like I did.
• 30:50
  Avonley: Um, you journal these emotions, and then um rather than numbing it, you want to you want to either like read really good books, self-help books.
• 31:03
  Avonley: There's amazing, a lot of amazing self-help book, uh, maybe changing your habits and patterns, changing things around where you start seeing your life somewhat worth.
• 31:17
  Avonley: You know, you need to see the worth within yourself.
• 31:21
  Avonley: And then what I do next is you go to the E acronym, which is exchange, and in that you are taking what you had, like you're taking whatever addiction or the trauma, and you're exchanging it with something different, you're replacing it with like life-giving um habit, um, whether it's like prayer, movement, worship, serving somebody else, because I know when you when you somebody is going through, like at least with me, when you're going through some traumatic times where it's just really hard to move forward, when you're getting you're going through that those moments, the best time is to give.
• 32:07
  Avonley: Like, don't worry about yourself, give, like, give during those times when you're healing, and as you give, you will be rewarded.
• 32:16
  Avonley: It's like an exchange, okay.
• 32:19
  Avonley: Okay, and then um you go through um S-H-E-D discipline, okay.
• 32:28
  Avonley: And you're gonna repeat a lot of the cycle over again.
• 32:31
  Avonley: Discipline will um help you to you're changing the patterns again in your mindset, and you have to repeat these processes for you to overcome a lot of the uh feeling, and then over time it gets easier, depending on how how much you want to go with it, because sometimes um some people's situation can be more sensitive and painful than somebody else's.
• 33:01
  Avonley: Um, we know who we are the best and what we can handle.
• 33:06
  Avonley: So just recognize your body.
• 33:10
  Avonley: If you're moving away too fast, take you know, rest.
• 33:14
  Avonley: It's okay to rest, relax, and then move forward.
• 33:18
  Cassandra: Wow, I love that acronym.
• 33:20
  Cassandra: Powerful.
• 33:21
  Cassandra: That's powerful.
• 33:22
  Cassandra: We talk about the the eye, the the the recognition and and the surrender part, the healing, the exchange.
• 33:30
  Cassandra: When you talk about give, like give some examples of giving.
• 33:34
  Cassandra: Like what can one give?
• 33:37
  Avonley: Um, so even just listening to somebody else that's going through like a problem, you know, and maybe you can um what I've always done is when we go through a lot of like situations where we're in this burden.
• 33:52
  Avonley: Yeah, I I think what's really hard for humans is we're not saying hello to each other, we're not making eye contact, and we're not like seeing another human as hey, you're something of value.
• 34:09
  Avonley: So when you want to feel valued, why not just when you go to the mall next time and somebody passes you, like get out of your comfort zone and say, Hey, you have a beautiful, you have beautiful eyes.
• 34:24
  Avonley: I love your smile.
• 34:25
  Avonley: I hope you have a good day.
• 34:26
  Avonley: Oh, you'll see like I did this the other day with a man, and he was just passing like a flyer out, and I took the flyer and I said, Hey, oh my gosh, thank you so much.
• 34:38
  Avonley: You have wonderful eyes.
• 34:40
  Avonley: And he looked at me and he's like, You really think so?
• 34:43
  Avonley: I'm like, Yeah, and then like after he we left, you could see a spring in his step.
• 34:51
  Avonley: He had he was so jolly, he was so excited, and he was confronting more people with um just that upbeat attitude.
• 35:00
  Avonley: So you just never know.
• 35:02
  Avonley: Like when you give that assurance that you're wanting, yes, um, you can make a big difference and it'll come back to you in 10 fold.
• 35:11
  Cassandra: Wow, this is all sounding like is your way in your way?
• 35:14
  Cassandra: So, in other words, get out of your way, and you were an individual that you didn't want to stay in the state of the posture that you were in.
• 35:22
  Cassandra: Uh, so then you decided, okay, I'm gonna have to do something.
• 35:25
  Cassandra: You know, did anybody help you through this at all?
• 35:28
  Cassandra: I mean, did you have a coach?
• 35:29
  Cassandra: Did you mentor, or who did you have?
• 35:33
  Cassandra: You just did this on your own?
• 35:35
  Avonley: Yes, I just really I gave this to God because there was um many times that I asked for help, and my siblings asked for help, and I didn't we didn't get the help that we needed.
• 35:47
  Avonley: So in my mind, I just felt like I'm not gonna get the help, or this the problem that I have is way too much for somebody else, and um they won't believe me.
• 35:59
  Avonley: So I just I just couldn't take that on.
• 36:02
  Avonley: So I just I took it on myself and I just followed like when you start gaining a relationship with God, God like feeds you information and thoughts in your hand on what to do, and I think with him being my teacher, is what really helped me and it gave me um exposures of where to look, um, what books to take in.
• 36:29
  Avonley: Um, but I would tell you, like anyone that's going through this, if you if you have a friend or if you have a therapist and you can trust them, please go for them because it will help you much faster and quicker in your healing journey.
• 36:45
  Cassandra: Wow, what a courageous young lady.
• 36:48
  Cassandra: That's that's a powerful your story is powerful.
• 36:50
  Cassandra: So I have one last question for you.
• 36:53
  Cassandra: Um, if you could speak to your three-year-old self when you were three, that old version of yourself, that that what would you tell her?
• 37:02
  Cassandra: What would you tell the women that is listening to you now that are had this trauma, gone through something, just feel stuck, look great on the outside, but on the inside, they're just falling apart.
• 37:17
  Cassandra: What would you tell them?
• 37:20
  Avonley: So I think one of the things I really I learned just through this healing process, and what I would tell my three-year-old self is don't be ashamed of your scars.
• 37:31
  Avonley: Your scars one day will tell a story.
• 37:34
  Avonley: And that I um titled my book Strength of Scars for a reason, because it applies to anyone and everyone, like the scars, whether you have internal scars or external or even both, like our scars will tell the story, and your story, whether you see it as joy, like take your trials and trauma as look at them as joy, and do your very best to always always know like God's gonna use my story, or one day um I'm gonna share my story, and it's gonna empower somebody else because our stories can empower one another.
• 38:22
  Avonley: And if we just see that our scars, like even God, I love to use this example, even the perfect man has scars, and he is not afraid to show them, he actually shows them for us to believe in him, and his story still reigns and will continue to reign.
• 38:43
  Avonley: So if we can use his example, and because you know, he's he's our beacon, we follow him.
• 38:51
  Avonley: Like we can we have our own stories that we can say, and we have our own stories that we can share, and we can empower one another.
• 39:00
  Avonley: So just don't don't stay stuck in your um traumas.
• 39:05
  Avonley: Wow, do your best to always look at the um the rewarding parts of it and what you can turn yourself into.
• 39:14
  Cassandra: That's beautiful, you know.
• 39:16
  Cassandra: One thing that I could see in you is and and you individuals gravitate to you, it's something about you, you know, that people like, wow, I'm not quite sure what it is, but yet it's the God in you, it's the things that you've been through.
• 39:31
  Cassandra: It's uh it's kind of like the title finding purpose and pain and power in the faith.
• 39:37
  Cassandra: And that's actually what you've done.
• 39:40
  Cassandra: So kudos to you.
• 39:42
  Cassandra: I am so, so proud of you.
• 39:45
  Cassandra: You are an amazing young lady, and you your contribution to the world is gonna be limitless.
• 39:52
  Cassandra: It's gonna be limitless.
• 39:54
  Cassandra: So I just I just thank you.
• 39:56
  Cassandra: Tell my audience how they could find you and your book.
• 40:00
  Avonley: Okay, thank you so much, Cassandra, for those um thoughtful messages that you just sent me.
• 40:06
  Avonley: I really appreciate that.
• 40:07
  Avonley: Um, the best way that you can reach me is just go to any of my social media at Avaline Lightstone and just follow me.
• 40:17
  Avonley: And if you want, if you're curious about my book, you can get uh a I believe like the first two copies of my book for free.
• 40:27
  Avonley: If you get on my um Avalenelightstone.com, my website, okay, and just turn your information.
• 40:35
  Avonley: I'll send over a free copy of my the first two chapters of my book.
• 40:42
  Cassandra: Okay.
• 40:42
  Cassandra: Well, thank you.
• 40:43
  Cassandra: Thank you.
• 40:44
  Cassandra: I will always remember I shed.
• 40:46
  Cassandra: I love that acronym.
• 40:48
  Cassandra: That's wonderful, and that's something that you are doing.
• 40:51
  Cassandra: And I know it's a a work and process, but you have started and you are on your journey, and I'm so proud of you.
• 40:57
  Cassandra: So yeah, with that said, we're gonna.
• 41:01
  Cassandra: Well, let me, my listeners, I know, and one of the things that I said is this particular podcast, you're you're gonna start seeing your story differently.
• 41:13
  Cassandra: You are the shift the way you see, you're gonna shift the way you see your own story.
• 41:18
  Cassandra: You've heard Avonley story, and think about your story.
• 41:25
  Cassandra: And you're gonna shift, listen to this podcast over and over as many times as you need to hear for you to pivot and be the person that God has ordained you to be, because we're all here for a reason.
• 41:38
  Cassandra: So again, Avalon, thank you so much.
• 41:41
  Cassandra: You were a joy, and God bless you.
• 41:44
  Cassandra: God bless my audience.
• 41:46
  Cassandra: And as I say to everyone, bye for now.
• 41:49
  Cassandra: Thank you.
• 41:50
  Cassandra: Bye bye, thank you so much.