Latest / Relationship Talk Thursday / Who Do You Let In or Out of Your Marriage?

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Who Do You Let In or Out of Your Marriage? · Relationship Talk Thursday

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  Speaker 1: Good morning, Inspiration 1390 family. It's Sonia Blakey. They are back. Dr.
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  Speaker 2: Bishop Horace Smith and Sister Susan Smith of the Apostolic Faith.
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  Speaker 1: Church celebrating 50 years of marriage. That's a big deal.
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  Speaker 2: Five decades of living together, sleeping together, having children together.
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  Speaker 1: Everything together for 50 years.
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  Speaker 3: Amazing.
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  Speaker 2: Amazing.
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  Speaker 4: But grandkids are the best part of the 50 years.
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  Speaker 4: Let me just say that.
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  Speaker 3: I would not co-sign that. My daughters are just so wonderful.
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  Speaker 3: They always say, we think you love... Our kids, more
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  Speaker 3: than us, say, oh, no, that couldn't be true. It's
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  Speaker 3: a different kind of love. But 50 years, that's right.
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  Speaker 5: Yeah, that's amazing.
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  Speaker 4: They are the reward for staying together and raising a family.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah. And thank you so much for being with me
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  Speaker 2: every Thursday of this month talking about relationships.
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  Speaker 1: And we want to talk about boundaries. You know, there's a.
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  Speaker 2: Scripture that says you're supposed to leave and cleave, something
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  Speaker 2: like that.
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  Speaker 1: It's a prayer phrase a little bit.
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  Speaker 2: But how did you guys decide to let, or maybe
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  Speaker 2: this was something that you learned over time, who to
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  Speaker 2: let inside your marriage, who to talk to about your marriage,
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  Speaker 2: whether it's in-laws, whether it's friends, whether it's people in
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  Speaker 2: the church.
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  Speaker 1: What kind of wisdom would you offer as it relates
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  Speaker 1: to this?
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  Speaker 3: Well, you know, I'll start because I think, you know,
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  Speaker 3: 50 years, there's different stages.
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  Speaker 5: And certain things we learned early on, I think, were important.
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  Speaker 3: But first of all, I admit that, you know, my life,
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  Speaker 3: I've been, involved in a lot of things all the time.
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  Speaker 5: People wonder how you do it.
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  Speaker 3: And so early on, we did do some leaving and
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  Speaker 3: cleaving in that we set boundaries for family. So if
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  Speaker 3: you talk to people who lived in our neighborhood in
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  Speaker 3: Oak Park, they would say, oh yeah, that's the man
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  Speaker 3: that every Saturday morning, he was at the pancake house
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  Speaker 3: at this time with his three daughters. But that's something
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  Speaker 3: we had done. We had decided, Saturday mornings, I take
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  Speaker 3: them to breakfast. I spend time with them. Monday after
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  Speaker 3: school was their time and I couldn't schedule anything else
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  Speaker 3: during those times. So I couldn't even do weddings or
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  Speaker 3: whatever the time that was carved out for them was
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  Speaker 3: their time. And we even had date nights during that time.
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  Speaker 5: It's been quite a while for that. I know she's
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  Speaker 5: looking at me funny right now.
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  Speaker 4: I'm overdue for a date night, I'm sure.
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  Speaker 3: Right. But we set those things up and they were
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  Speaker 3: so clear that people in the neighborhood knew kind of
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  Speaker 3: that's in that church.
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  Speaker 5: That's what it was.
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  Speaker 3: And I think that that was wise because especially in ministry,
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  Speaker 3: most pastors are driven. They'll do anything at any time
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  Speaker 3: for their church. But that's not really what wisdom and
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  Speaker 3: it's not what God requires. If your family does not
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  Speaker 3: feel like they're first, there's going to be a problem
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  Speaker 3: even in ministry.
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  Speaker 1: Yes.
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  Speaker 4: Oh, absolutely. So I think your family is something that Mrs.
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  Speaker 4: Kennedy said years ago. I was still very young. She said,
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  Speaker 4: you know, if you don't raise your children right, you
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  Speaker 4: got to get that right or everything or you pay
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  Speaker 4: for it the rest of your life. And we had
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  Speaker 4: little kids when I heard that. And I was like, okay,
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  Speaker 4: we got to get this right. Because we were in a.
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  Speaker 4: Kansas City, and he was being installed as a bishop.
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  Speaker 4: And we had been down there a couple of days
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  Speaker 4: ahead of time. It was nice and quiet.
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  Speaker 5: We had the.
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  Speaker 4: Suite all to ourselves. All of a sudden they came
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  Speaker 4: in and it was just terror everywhere. And I was like, oh,
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  Speaker 4: my God, we got to get this right because I
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  Speaker 4: got to get them out of my house.
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  Speaker 3: You know.
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  Speaker 4: And so I've always been driven to kind of make
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  Speaker 4: sure that they got off on a good footing. You know,
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  Speaker 4: they got education. You know, they found good men, which
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  Speaker 4: they have. We're so blessed because of that. They all
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  Speaker 4: have good husbands. Lauren, Rachel, and Emily. So to me,
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  Speaker 4: that's the, that's the reward for your children is that
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  Speaker 4: when they become good mothers and good fathers themselves, then
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  Speaker 4: you can, you can rest assured that you've done your job. Yeah.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah.
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  Speaker 3: So, you know, so that's kind of the, the, the,
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  Speaker 3: the family part. And I think that we have to
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  Speaker 3: really acknowledge that and not just with lip service, but
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  Speaker 3: with practical boundaries, what we will do when we will
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  Speaker 3: do those things. And then it begins to be a
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  Speaker 3: part of it with your home. Sister Smith will tell
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  Speaker 3: you that I'm busy all the time. My home is
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  Speaker 3: not my castle, but it really is my sanctuary. So
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  Speaker 3: people who need certain things, you can't just drop over
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  Speaker 3: at my house. Even with family, you know, I need
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  Speaker 3: a place to stay for a few days. I will
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  Speaker 3: pay for an extended hotel for you, but you can't
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  Speaker 3: stay in my house. You have to set a boundary
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  Speaker 3: geographically or you pay for it because you feel like
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  Speaker 3: you're always open and vulnerable to everybody all the time.
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  Speaker 3: And what I do and what we do is too
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  Speaker 3: demanding for that to work. You'll become, I think, bitter
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  Speaker 3: or you'll become cynical. You have to set boundaries geographically.
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  Speaker 3: With your own family. And again, she has a big family.
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  Speaker 3: I have a big family. So when it came to
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  Speaker 3: things with our families, whether it was a need one
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  Speaker 3: of my brothers and sisters had or hers or whatever,
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  Speaker 3: we had a rule, talk to one another before giving
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  Speaker 3: them an answer. So my brother said, can you do whatever?
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  Speaker 3: I'll say, let me check. And then he'll say, oh,
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  Speaker 3: you got to check with Susan.
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  Speaker 5: I go, yeah. We check in about those things before
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  Speaker 5: we make a decision.
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  Speaker 1: Let me ask you this question, Bishop Smith, Sister Smith.
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  Speaker 3: So.
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  Speaker 2: How do you determine who you let in your marriage? Say,
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  Speaker 2: for instance, you do have an issue that you're dealing with.
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  Speaker 2: You need somebody to talk to. How do you decipher?
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  Speaker 2: How do you discern?
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  Speaker 1: Or what's the process of figuring that out?
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  Speaker 4: It depends on what the issue is. You know, my
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  Speaker 4: sister has passed now, but I could always, when I
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  Speaker 4: wanted to talk When I wanted to talk about my
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  Speaker 4: husband and the things that I did not like or whatever,
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  Speaker 4: I talked to my sister because I knew she loved
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  Speaker 4: him and she was always going to take up for him.
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  Speaker 4: And so it wasn't going to go any further than that. Now,
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  Speaker 4: if I talk to some girlfriend or somebody at church,
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  Speaker 4: that'll be spread everywhere. So depending on the issue. But
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  Speaker 4: if I want to talk about my kids, I could
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  Speaker 4: talk about that to a neighbor or somebody, depending on
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  Speaker 4: their age and what it is. So you can't just
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  Speaker 4: talk to anybody about everything. You've got to know what
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  Speaker 4: the subject is and then who's going to give you
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  Speaker 4: the best advice.
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  Speaker 5: I think that's exactly right.
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  Speaker 3: And sometimes, it's not sometimes, I think for most senior pastors,
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  Speaker 3: you need to have access to professional counseling.
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  Speaker 5: Absolutely.
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  Speaker 3: I can remember the first time I went to a
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  Speaker 3: counselor and the person, I knew the person. They knew
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  Speaker 3: me and they said to me, day number one, listen,
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  Speaker 3: I'm not coming to your church. I'm not going to
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  Speaker 3: be a part of your spiritual congregation because I have
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  Speaker 3: to be a safe place for you where you can say, anything.
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  Speaker 5: You don't have to be the pastor.
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  Speaker 3: You can be yourself. And so, yeah, there's a category.
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  Speaker 3: And I think more and more so today with the
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  Speaker 3: stress and strain of senior pastors, you must have access
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  Speaker 3: to people who are not a part of your community,
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  Speaker 3: that are professional, that can help you. Otherwise, you can't
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  Speaker 3: be transparent. You can't really be authentic. I think it's important.
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  Speaker 3: Then as she said, One of the issues with pastors, again,
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  Speaker 3: there used to be couples that you both connect with
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  Speaker 3: that you have a connection with outside of church so
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  Speaker 3: that you do have a social life that's real and
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  Speaker 3: people you can talk about certain things because they're your friends.
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  Speaker 3: One of the worst things would be in an intense
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  Speaker 3: profession but have no friends.
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  Speaker 5: That's a dangerous situation.
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  Speaker 2: Um bishop smith sister smith uh talk about boundaries as
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  Speaker 2: it relates to your children i mean you have three
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  Speaker 2: daughters and so i mean i have kids too so
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  Speaker 2: uh i'm quite sure they've come to you guys with
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  Speaker 2: situations and things like that so i mean how far
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  Speaker 2: do you go with with giving them advice you know
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  Speaker 2: what i'm saying like or do they not talk to
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  Speaker 2: you about these personal things like how do you what
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  Speaker 2: how talk about that.
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  Speaker 4: Part I think daughters in particular, they'll come to you,
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  Speaker 4: but I don't know if they really want your advice,
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  Speaker 4: but they don't want you to seem like you're telling
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  Speaker 4: them something they have to do. You have to say
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  Speaker 4: it very, you have to get it in there slowly
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  Speaker 4: or whatever. Because if I say, you know, I don't
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  Speaker 4: think you should do that, then they're going to kind
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  Speaker 4: of resist that. So you want to give advice and
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  Speaker 4: you want to help them. And then all three are different.
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  Speaker 4: You know, one of them, you know, listens very intently.
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  Speaker 4: And her husband even had to tell her, would you
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  Speaker 4: stop listening to your mother? You know, because, and I
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  Speaker 4: wasn't trying to rule their lives or whatever. I was
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  Speaker 4: just telling her what. But then the other ones, you know,
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  Speaker 4: they don't want to hear a word you have to say.
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  Speaker 4: So you just have to know your kids. But I'm
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  Speaker 4: happy to help them with anything.
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  Speaker 5: They know that.
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  Speaker 3: Yeah, I think that's important. You know, in raising children,
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  Speaker 3: they're very smart. So they know how to play with
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  Speaker 3: the two of us, one against the other when they
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  Speaker 3: were growing up. So depending on what answer they wanted,
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  Speaker 3: they knew who to go to. I had to learn
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  Speaker 3: to ask them, have you talked to your mother? And
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  Speaker 3: they'll say, yeah. I say, well, whatever she said, that's it.
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  Speaker 3: And they'll say, I.
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  Speaker 5: Thought you were in charge.
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  Speaker 3: I said, but if you talked to her first, then
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  Speaker 3: whatever she said, That's what it is. Now, I may
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  Speaker 3: go to her later and say, I don't agree with that.
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  Speaker 3: But if they went, they're not going to divide the
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  Speaker 3: two of us. And they will do that. Having said that,
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  Speaker 3: I think.
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  Speaker 4: Same thing with the grandkids now.
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  Speaker 3: I think part of this, the little nuance is with
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  Speaker 3: men and women. And it's a generalization. When your wife
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  Speaker 3: asks you something, this is what Sister Melissa was talking about.
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  Speaker 3: They don't really want you to tell them. They want
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  Speaker 3: you to listen. So like she said, if you're going
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  Speaker 3: to say, well, you ought to do this, you should
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  Speaker 3: never do that. You say, well, tell me about that. Well,
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  Speaker 3: what about this? Because if you're going to direct them,
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  Speaker 3: that's not really what they... Men want to solve problems.
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  Speaker 5: Women want you to listen to them. Say that again.
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  Speaker 5: And if you listen, if you're a good listening board
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  Speaker 5: and let them kind of... Right.
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  Speaker 3: Figure out what to do. They just need someone they
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  Speaker 3: can trust to talk to. So you have to know,
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  Speaker 3: you know, most of the time, do not get a
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  Speaker 3: definitive answer, more of a listener and, you know, suggest whatever,
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  Speaker 3: but never direct.
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  Speaker 4: Most people already know what they should do. They really
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  Speaker 4: just want to tell you, you know, what the issue is.
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  Speaker 4: And you kind of help them figure it out. But
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  Speaker 4: if you try to give people the answer, it's, it never,
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  Speaker 4: almost never is going to work that way because then
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  Speaker 4: you're going to be responsible if something goes wrong. I
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  Speaker 4: don't want to give you the answer. I want you
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  Speaker 4: to figure it out for yourself.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah. Yeah. So how would you all summarize boundaries as
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  Speaker 2: it relates to a relationship and marriages?
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  Speaker 1: What would you say? How would you wrap this up?
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  Speaker 4: Keep conversation going so that you, as things change, you
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  Speaker 4: constantly know what, what irritates him or what he, what
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  Speaker 4: he needs or what, You know, how to make his
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  Speaker 4: sanctuary a place, a home.
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  Speaker 3: Yeah, I think, you know, boundaries is really important in
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  Speaker 3: ministry couples. And so they have to, which he has said,
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  Speaker 3: they have to communicate with each other. And they have
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  Speaker 3: to know when they're not doing that to have certain
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  Speaker 3: people or access to certain people to talk to about it. Because,
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  Speaker 3: you know, even though you're in ministry, sometimes people think
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  Speaker 3: you're like, you know, super couple, superman, whatever.
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  Speaker 5: But you're still people.
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  Speaker 3: And I think that's one of the pitfalls of ministry
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  Speaker 3: that you don't have the, you know, I remember when
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  Speaker 3: I went to a counselor and this counselor was very good.
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  Speaker 3: They knew who I was. And I think the first
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  Speaker 3: time I met with them, they told me, oh, I
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  Speaker 3: hear this about you. Oh, you do this, you do that.
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  Speaker 3: And then at the end they said, and those are
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  Speaker 3: really important things to people. So who does that for you?
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  Speaker 3: And I knew they had captured me. They were saying,
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  Speaker 3: but you know, if you're helping people and you're a
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  Speaker 3: person that then who helps you? So I think that
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  Speaker 3: you have to have that kind of a mix. And
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  Speaker 3: if you don't, I think you've assumed the wrong thing.
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  Speaker 3: And it can cause a split not only in the marriage,
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  Speaker 3: in your own life because you don't have the kind
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  Speaker 3: of support and the kind of.
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  Speaker 5: Help that you need.
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  Speaker 3: I always tell my senior pastors, even though you're the shepherd,
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  Speaker 3: you never stop being the sheep. Whatever the needs the
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  Speaker 3: sheep have, you have those too. We've learned to be
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  Speaker 3: in denial a lot of times about that, and that's not.
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  Speaker 5: A good thing.
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  Speaker 1: So much wisdom.
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  Speaker 2: I'm learning so much from Bishop Dr. Horace Smith and
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  Speaker 2: Sister Susan Smith, Apostolic Faith Church, celebrating their 50 years
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  Speaker 2: of marriage, and we're getting some advice.
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  Speaker 1: 50 years, that's a long time.