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Quique Matilla - Incomunicados · Comedy Central Stand-Up

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Comedy Central Podcastja how the country is. Hey, you' ve seen Telecinco
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lately, I mean, they' re looking for the bottom and they can
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' t find it. I mean, they' ve already lowered the bar
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so much that at two o' clock in the morning the tarot starts and
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says that look now improvement would be better even with the program this of flame
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and wins. You know we always laugh at the presenter East who' s
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had his blood exchanged for coffee, he' s there. Welcome, we
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have to abdinate today the hidden word we have hidden. It' s a
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city It was a clue. I can' t say well, it'
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s better off Come on. It' s a city that starts with that
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and ends up in Alamanca to see if we have any brave to see we
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have a call like this. No thanks for calling friend cough and drunk sleepwalker,
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because at this time we laugh at these contests and we do wrong because
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they are giving money. You don' t see he' s got a
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bigger plate now. He' s got music. You have to be a
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musician and end up there, because being a musician is not like being a
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comedian. Being a musician requires preparation. Uh, and they' ve been
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preparing, I mean, years studying at a conservatory. They' ve learned
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to play several instruments. They can write, they can read in staves,
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which is very difficult. It' s like understanding Sakira when she sings is
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the most complicated and there' s the guy playing down there that if they
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trade her poa for a knife she thanks you, no, but to me
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she' s wearing a tie with a swimmer of sobs band The Blues Brothers.
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It' s incognito. If you work there, the last thing you
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want is to be recognized and there' s the guy playing there being muzzles
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for much less that this killed himself kurk Vein. And it improves what is
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in Telecinco, because you have seen men women and vice versa, you have
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seen what cleavages and they and them. Eh, but let' s not
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blame him all the Tele Five that the country is as it is, because
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no, that is, what we can expect from Spain, a country in
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which I contract more durations the test, uh, that is, a country
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in which miners are forced to lock up in the mines, lock up in
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the mines, that is, how the serious heifer has come down. No,
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we don' t have to start, we have to start to put
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it a little bit of value that here, in Spain, we are not
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to be brave. No, not here when we have a problem with someone,
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you don' t solve it face- to- face. No.
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No, and if you look face to face with much you tell him um
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because they' re holding me that if you' re not alone when I
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catch you, I' m here more caught tell me now. In other
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words, if the avengers had been recorded in Spain, the resentful would have
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been entitled. That' s not where we went. We love it and
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from behind, just from behind. I am sure that when the rulers of
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Spain meet with the rulers of the United Kingdom to discuss the issue of Gibraltar,
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in the end we will be afraid of what you wanted from Gibraltar.
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Not sure, we didn' t say anything to us, but you texted
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us on the phone. No, they' re the way it goes.
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Hey, now it' s been the boy. He picks up my phone
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at once and he doesn' t. Ah well, nothing we leave,
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nothing, because until then English, until then and as they are leaving and
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Gibraltar says to the Spanish, what if hais has not seemed hi Gibraltar Spanish,
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not that it will take to pass bus the same noise or something.
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Ah, well, we' re leaving again, so long English, see
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you later, when you' re going eh English? Bastard, I greet
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the champion, because we' re going behind. We have to go face
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to face with anyone, we beat anyone in Europe or the Germans too,
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but they are the best in Europe. Don' t believe it. It
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' s not like I don' t get German in Germany. In Germany
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we charge twice as much as in Spain. What do you care if you
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don' t know, you earn them what you earn and you go on
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vacation to Mallorca, or don' t fuck with me. In Spain we
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won half, but we' re going on vacation to Cancun with two balls.
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Eh ah, it' s not like in Germany we get beer this
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big and you don' t miss the lid. In Germany we can go
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on the highways to 200 and in Spain already, but they take away points.
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It hasn' t been taken to my grandmother today, but poor.
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My grandmother has never left Valladolid. He' s got a speed record in
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ten provinces. That' s in the hall of a in de Albacete,
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they put her in, they call her at the residence. Yeah. But
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in Germany we are governed by a great statesman, Angela Merkel, and in
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Spain also not by Angela Merkel. Not seriously, but to stand up is
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one thing and criticize so freely another that here we are very poquitic criticism,
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that is, look at it gray, that only come to Spain to party
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and to get drunk if you went you spill mus to Ireland to improve the
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English, eh that is. It has never been the case that a Spanish
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who goes from the mons to Ireland comes speaking English. You' re just
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coming with a Spanish pawn. We didn' t get together with the Irish
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to teach them tacos and then an Irishman came on vacation to Madrid. You
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don' t know where the Prado Museum is going, but you know perfectly
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well you have to shit in the whore, eh no, but you just
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come to let them keep coming. If we' re ruining your English,
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that is, to improve your English, you' re going to take an
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Erasmus to come back to get it, criticize for criticizing. It' s
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not like Latinos just come to Spain to pound and pound and pound. If
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you went to Cuba to see cathedrals under Juanillo' s eye, he went
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from the mons to Ireland. It came badly, that is, I drank
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before, because then I drank more hurt wine with the women because the Irish
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rejected them and they didn' t talk about it reject you and you'
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re like an Irish woman rejecting you. There' s nothing harder, and
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the guy' s coming in on his ass now and he' s got
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some kind of dyslexic drunkenness. It' s five o' clock in the
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morning, when all the girls in the club have turned him down, he
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steps down half the track and starts putting that country in, but all the
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whores are women and he' s going to see Juanillo to see if what
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you' ve wanted to say is that all the women are whores. I
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find that very offensive. And if what you mean is that all prostitutes are
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women, some surprise you take, but you' ve already paid for it
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and you eat it. Eh jabla would be We have to forgive Juanillo everything,
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because he has shown me that being simple, we go further. He
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' s a simple guy, but he always beats you. On the first
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day he went he touched me next to him and the waiter comes with the
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prawns. He leaves a little plate next door with the boss' s envelope,
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and this is about. It' s a wipe for the prawns.
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They' re not wet, the prawns aren' t. It' s
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not for the hands, they don' t have hands. The prawns don
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' t see gentleman, it' s for you to clean up after eating
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the prawns. Oh, you don' t want me to get smudged You
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' re serious. Being simple, you go further. Check. We guys
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have always been so simple that we' ve been messing around for years and
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we haven' t solved it. I mean, we' ve already been
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overtaken by everyone in every country, I mean, the Italians are a better
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league because they have more lip, the French are a better league because they
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' re more romantic. Africans are better off, because for obvious reasons we
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have spent years, years already choosing the wrong time of the night to flirt
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then at five o' clock in the morning. I give myself up and
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there you no longer know how you smell at five in the morning and no
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longer on the outside inside you know how your soul smells eh, because at
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five in the morning your stomach is fighting with everything they' ve brought that
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night and a normal night' s party. I' m sure what'
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s come in, or it' s five pinchitos, seven beers, two
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shots of herbs, a little burbony, six without thonic, as it is.
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And it' s very responsible so that all that doesn' t fall
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empty you' ve eaten a spicy one you think it has going out so
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that someone alive is near without getting musty and plant you advance the brave girl
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and you start going blah blah? Will you look With the first bo the
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girl already speaks Turkish and you still brave blah? Bla? Bla? Bla?
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Bla? With the second po the girl already wears a camped suit and
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starts spinning and you continue brave blah? Bla? Bla? Bla? Bla?
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Look there at the girl with the glasses tarnished, tears, falling,
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please, someone mash me, but quickly, not like this one who is
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doing it little by little and follow the blah blah? Bla? Bla?
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Bla? So much for singing to the fountain that in the end, then
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blah blah? Bla? Blau? You have to distract your attention in order
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to solve this problem. M j jaaa. Na No. No, no,
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no, no, nothing, the ah no ah no. He was
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a going taste the same now as before. Hahahahahahaha, it' s more
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I' ve had someone going that I' ve done better the second.
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I' m saying yes now Look, it' s not going to gurgle
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It' s going to get him out for spice. How nice, what
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a desire to eat now, uh serious, being simple is good. I
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mean, being simple is good. If the simpler we are, the better.
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Our relationship with you. In other words, there is no healthier relationship
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between the male and the female sex than that of a mother with her child.
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There you have the level of demand. Here' s your boy.
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Today, sleep well eats and shit ask me. That' s a couple
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relationship and I' m your ideal man, but then you start demanding things
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and you get there to demand that you go the same thing one day.
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You walk with your girl down the street, meet with a friend, start
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between the two of you talking and you are, first of all as a
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spectator. But then it' s how your girl starts telling her friend bad
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things about you being you. So, then, when I' m not
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going to tell you, in fact, start saying some things that you and
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you say, but I' m not going to see if I' m
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not, I' m imagining it. I mean, you see in a
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window and he says pussy, because I see myself, he' s got
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to see me now, too. This one' s good, this one,
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he' s out there all day partying with Juanillo, all day standing
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there with him. Hey, and the toilet cup doesn' t know it
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' s got a lid, it never goes down. And at work,
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as you see he' s late he always sleeps well, well, good,
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good, well, well, let him say bad things. Tell your
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friend here, tell her how, uh, how. I mean, I
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ask for a family pizza to come home and the empano look like uh,
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like cao, tell her like shit, uh, well, the lid isn
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' t that you don' t put it down that doesn' t close.
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Hey. Yeah, imagine after a pasty tread, then concrete beams and
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tell him how I sleep? How do I sleep? Hey, sleep?
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Well, look, this week I fell asleep three times while we were making
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love. Three, uh, three, two have been two, so,
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look, I fell asleep twice while we were making love. And from what
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you see once while I was really jerking off, uh the simple, well,
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I mean, we' re gonna enjoy the relationship more, so we
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' re simple and it' s really great, look, we have to
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end that sex war that exists because, besides, it' s clear that
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you won it years ago and this looks very clear in the couple' s
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reaction through the mobile phone, because look, you can be calling your girl
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thirty- five times on the phone without me answering that thirty- six is
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going to take you off with your naturality. Yeah, yeah, no,
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yeah, I haven' t been calling you since Tuesday and you hear Thursday,
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or you don' t know that I had it in my purse in
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Silence and then of course I called you the Pintalabians true, but you don
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' t have the balls to reveal yourself, because you know what the order
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is, you know what the chain of command is. Now, now,
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do not want God, do not God that someday you are the One who
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does not answer her. Don' t want God, you who carry the
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phone to find out when he already calls you that you have the polydore so
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strong that dogs bark in Palencia. If your name is calling you, are
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there already globbitor of colors, on the way to the sky that calls you
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already looks so strong that it can throw you to the ground? I mean,
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God forbid, someday you take your phone out of your pocket, say
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a loss of yours, no or wait, wait, you' ve been
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gone two minutes. I' m returning the call that I' m sure
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you understand, that' s you waiting with pressure and what you' re
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in is but why we haven' t picked up the phone. But,
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honey, it was two minutes ago, and I' m doing it by
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watching the call. And what are you doing those two minutes so important that
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you couldn' t answer, because look is actually spinning around with the car.
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It is that I went with Juanillo in the car and we have turned
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ah Juanillo, we are always Juanillo, all Juaniño here, juani Yo there,
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juan and I this, Juan and the other. What happens if Juanillo
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took you out of a window you go behind, man he' s out
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asking for the car and or he doesn' t give ah. Don'
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t look for the complicated, don' t look for the ideal. The
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ideal is not what you seek, because the perfect man exists, but the
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woman willing to change him also enjoy the simple. That we' re simple
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is very good, because that facilitates the couple' s reaction. So,
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you' ll always know how we are, it' s how these people
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in the state of Facebook are like very clear that it puts you watching the
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rain fall through the window on a fall afternoon, open it and jump you
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see it, you perceive it. So, seriously, being simple is very
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good. If you ever ask us what' s wrong with you and we
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answer, nothing happens to me. It' s just that nothing' s
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wrong with me, I just feel weird about you, because you' ve
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lost my team, but nothing' s wrong with me. I mean,
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we' re ever sitting with you on the couch and you see how we
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get up and you ask us where you' re going and we answer you.
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It' s just that net being alone, I just need to be
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alone. Nothing else, I mean, I' m not replanting my relationship
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with you, let alone my sexuality, that' s to say, I
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want to fart at ease and if you ever ask us, if you ever
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ask us where you want, to go on vacation and we answer you.
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Wherever you want the sky, because we don' t give a damn.
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We just want to rest a few days with you, because we love you
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so much and because in the end let' s say what we say,
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we' re going wherever you want the sky? If as a couple we
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are simple and we complicate the lives of singles. I' m sure you
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' ve ever had a single friend of these who, as the story tells
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you, even make you want to break his mouth this one that' s
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a day out of partying with you and hooks up with a very pretty girl,
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what' s called a pibon and goes home, home with the tibon
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do things that are done with a pivot in your house. And the next
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day he comes and says good. You think I' m going with the
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girl to this house yesterday. We had sex and he wanted to stay to
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sleep. You may have seen without shame, but let' s see if
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you' re ready. I have a heart if the girl, after getting
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laid, wants to stay to sleep, because she stays to sleep now in
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the morning. He' s taking someone else. Uh, because sex for
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a bachelor has to be like water for a dromedary. I mean, drink
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everything you can drink, you never know when you' re gonna be able
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to drink again. I mean, I' ve had single times. Look
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at a thirst, a thirst, a thirst, and I remember nights at
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home drinking only that my drinking arm hurt already. The last girl I'
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d ever had a drink with goes with nostalgia. I say God how we
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drank that night. We drank from the front, drank from the back.
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He drank at night. Not anymore if you' ve ever had a friend
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of these bachelors, if you' ve been willing to give it back to
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him, he can be returned, because there' s nothing far away gives
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a bachelor more than one day a friend of his. I invited him to
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dinner with his girl, I mean, you go to dinner with another couple
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you say let' s go to this thing that you do out of compassion
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or to fuck with my life, because if it' s a couple that
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takes little time, well because they' re still getting to know each other,
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they tell jokes, thank you, they' re nice, they'
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re still in that farce truth. But if it' s a couple that
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takes time, you' re not going to have dinner with them, you
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' re going to see how they argue. And that starts with French hints,
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with second ones. But that already derives in insults and insult from one,
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insult from the other, insult from one insult from the other, that
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is, they will insult that you are already like the one who is watching
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a tennis game without laying the rules, saying for this that ends up in
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a pitbull fight and you already take refuge in your pasta dish, because I,
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like here crouched and see if when my girlfriend meets a friend, I
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disappear eh and not suddenly they get you told by the bride to your friend
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and to you how it seems to you what your friend does. I was
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happy with my macaroni of what you want me to say, whatever you say.
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You' re sold. I mean, if you' re in favor
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of your friend, your friend' s gonna be mad,' cause he
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broke the peer pact. And if you favor your friend, she' s
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gonna be mad at you and she' s not gonna let him go out
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with you anymore, because you have to be conciliatory. Says man, is
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that your uncle sometimes passes and you understand him has his stuff, so yeah,
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hey don' t lower the lid. To good. If it doesn
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' t close, it doesn' t close. It' s true that
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very much to leave. Over there. But hey boy, he' s
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good at the truth out there. It' s true that last week he
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had a hard time with your sister, it' s true. But since
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he eats eh and shits eh, he' s not a show anymore.
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Look here the only thing we' re gonna do in this situation. If
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you get one of these drunks, tea you go for peteneras, you get
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drunk. You' re happy. However, eye after drunkenness, because all
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comedians will be very much the subject of alcohol, of drinking, of getting
19:17
drunk. We have a good understanding. But we' ve missed a part,
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that is, the hangover, what it' s about, I mean,
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there' s inculcated stuff out there that they say is about dehydration with
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what I' ve been drinking. I mean, you know the liquid that
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I' ve ingested I' ve ingested how it' s going to be
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by dehydration, I mean, I mean, how can it be that you
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' re at five o' clock in the morning you want to be God,
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I mean, you' re dancing all the songs, you' re
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singing all the songs, you' re singing up to songs that you know,
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you' re even putting the shit in everything that moves around the bar.
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You' ve put your nose twice to a friend of yours already,
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and the second time, because you' ve even got your back on the
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street, running with other drunkards, someone who' s drunk faster on the
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planet. I mean, how can it be that you lie on the bed,
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uh being God and you get up as raped by satan already, that
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is, you get up as if you had run the Tour de France without
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Sillin with a crown of thorns saying but what happened here those seven hours that
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was in bed. But if you' re that seven hours I' ve
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been good, I' ve been a saint, snow drunk, I haven
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' t smoked, I don' t do drugs. I didn' t
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pray when I got in. I mean, this is because I think it
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' s due to a few little beings called the hangover dwarfs. The senaditos
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of the hangover are like the smurfs, but they smell of tobacco and they
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will suck that when you get into bed, they come attracted to the smell
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of the claw and start to provoke the effects of the hangover, of what
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is a bad drunkenness, since one goes towards your head and start to find
20:47
a very good hammer that they have, not to wake you up, but
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so that the next day you are doubting if your brain is an l and
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your skull a m e. Others go to your body and ask you to
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kick and push so that it hurts a little bit like pa you think doubting
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if you have slept on the mattress or on the thermomix. Others sneak into
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your pants, grab your mobile phone, and start calling an ex- girlfriend
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of yours like impersonating you as they do with fear. They make him afraid
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like with drunk mode like there or being wrong, I still want to.
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Then there are others that go to your neck and start pinching you to get
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a purple out here and your girlfriend thinks how I do with another. Hey.
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Well, me. The hangovers have gotten me to shit in my pants
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and my mother didn' t believe me to be little dwarf dinners, children
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of your tea, ygo hascarao. Mom believed me for years about the wise
21:44
men who put her in one night. Please, thank you very much.