Latest / Drawn of History / Theo and Cristina Mariani Relate About Being Too Hard on Yourself(M4A_128K)

Transcript

Theo and Cristina Mariani Relate About Being Too Hard on Yourself(M4A_128K) · Drawn of History

• 0:00
  Speaker 1: Because you get really in your head, you beat yourself
• 0:02
  Speaker 1: up all the time.
• 0:03
  Speaker 2: Yeah, people are like, dude, you're so hard on yourself.
• 0:05
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 0:06
  Speaker 2: And it's like, I don't know. I feel that some,
• 0:08
  Speaker 2: but it's like, it's the only way I know how,
• 0:11
  Speaker 2: it's like.
• 0:13
  Speaker 1: It doesn't even feel like you're being hard on yourself
• 0:14
  Speaker 1: when you do it. It just feels like you're being
• 0:16
  Speaker 1: realistic and you're being like, well, I'm just not an idiot.
• 0:18
  Speaker 1: And you see people all the time that are like
• 0:21
  Speaker 1: not hard on themselves. And then you're like, well, I
• 0:23
  Speaker 1: don't want to be delusional like that because that's not
• 0:25
  Speaker 1: helping them, you know? So if anything, I err on
• 0:28
  Speaker 1: the side of caution and I'm a little bit, I
• 0:30
  Speaker 1: see myself in a little bit worse than what probably
• 0:33
  Speaker 1: is true just in case. So I can improve from that.
• 0:35
  Speaker 1: Does that make sense?
• 0:36
  Speaker 2: Yeah. Yeah.
• 0:39
  Speaker 1: You know, but then, but then you get to these
• 0:42
  Speaker 1: milestones and you're like, why was I stressed out for
• 0:45
  Speaker 1: so long, you know? And then somebody will ask you
• 0:47
  Speaker 1: on a podcast, like, what was your favorite part about touring?
• 0:50
  Speaker 1: And you're like, fuck, I was stressed out the whole time.
• 0:52
  Speaker 1: I don't even, I can't even remember something. Like I,
• 0:55
  Speaker 1: obviously I was doing exactly what I want to be doing,
• 0:58
  Speaker 1: but I was so stressed out. I didn't even like
• 0:59
  Speaker 1: enjoy so much of it. And then you're like, fuck.
• 1:03
  Speaker 2: It's kind of like, you get in like kind of
• 1:05
  Speaker 2: this like paddle ball match with yourself or like this,
• 1:07
  Speaker 2: you get in like this, uh, padel, what do they
• 1:11
  Speaker 2: call it?
• 1:12
  Speaker 1: Ping pong.
• 1:13
  Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, you get in like this ping pong match
• 1:15
  Speaker 2: with yourself. But yeah, I think in the end, it's like,
• 1:18
  Speaker 2: I don't know, it takes focus to like do certain things.
• 1:21
  Speaker 2: And it does take like a lot of self-monitoring and stuff.
• 1:24
  Speaker 2: Like I grew up with like a lot of self-monitoring,
• 1:26
  Speaker 2: like always kind of monitoring myself. Like, is this okay?
• 1:29
  Speaker 2: Is this okay? Do I seem okay? How do I seem?
• 1:32
  Speaker 2: Am I okay?
• 1:33
  Speaker 1: Where do you think you got that?
• 1:35
  Speaker 2: From I think I just didn't have anybody telling me
• 1:37
  Speaker 2: that everything anything was okay so you had to guess
• 1:39
  Speaker 2: kind of yeah so constantly guessing like I used to
• 1:42
  Speaker 2: do like things like to soothe myself when I was
• 1:44
  Speaker 2: growing up like I would rock on my bed all
• 1:45
  Speaker 2: the time as a kid um like my brother and
• 1:48
  Speaker 2: I's bed were on wheels and they would wake up
• 1:50
  Speaker 2: in the morning they'd be across the room like we
• 1:52
  Speaker 2: would both have like rocked and sometimes they would be
• 1:54
  Speaker 2: like kind of like over by like they were both
• 1:56
  Speaker 2: trying to get out of the room like it was
• 1:57
  Speaker 2: like cars trying to leave um like.
• 2:00
  Speaker 1: A traffic jam yeah traffic.
• 2:01
  Speaker 2: Jam um I used to walk, like step on certain things,
• 2:05
  Speaker 2: like monitor while I was walking. I used to swallow
• 2:06
  Speaker 2: on both sides of my mouth.
• 2:08
  Speaker 1: Like, uh, like bite your cheek kind of. Yeah. Yeah.
• 2:11
  Speaker 2: Certain things. Cause just to create patterns. So some, so
• 2:14
  Speaker 2: things would make sense to me in my life. Like,
• 2:16
  Speaker 2: cause I think I just didn't, I had no idea
• 2:19
  Speaker 2: if anything made sense.
• 2:20
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 2:21
  Speaker 2: And it was harrowing. I think as a kid, cause
• 2:23
  Speaker 2: then you're so into it. You're just, everything's internal. You're
• 2:25
  Speaker 2: like this sort of like a fish that fucking somebody
• 2:28
  Speaker 2: put on some land.
• 2:29
  Speaker 1: No, I feel like.
• 2:30
  Speaker 2: And let you be alive.
• 2:31
  Speaker 1: I feel like I had most of my existential crises
• 2:35
  Speaker 1: as a kid. I feel like people have them as adults.
• 2:38
  Speaker 2: What is an existential crisis? Will you guys bring it
• 2:40
  Speaker 2: up just so we can say it? Because I know
• 2:42
  Speaker 2: we say it all the time.
• 2:43
  Speaker 1: But also, maybe that's not the right word for this
• 2:45
  Speaker 1: because I was a kid. But I just had so
• 2:51
  Speaker 1: many questions as a kid. And I was one of
• 2:53
  Speaker 1: those kids that asked questions to my mom all the time.
• 2:57
  Speaker 1: And I'd freak out. I'd get like... I throw up
• 2:59
  Speaker 1: sometimes because things didn't make sense. Like, do you know?
• 3:02
  Speaker 2: That sounds like a cartoon character. Sorry.
• 3:04
  Speaker 1: No, no, no. But it, but it didn't like, um,
• 3:07
  Speaker 1: like being in space and then black holes. And then
• 3:10
  Speaker 1: I'd worry about a black hole forming right next to
• 3:13
  Speaker 1: the earth. And my mom wouldn't have the answers. I'm like,
• 3:15
  Speaker 1: but how do you know? But how do you know?
• 3:17
  Speaker 1: Like that, that can't happen. And just stuff like that. Yeah.
• 3:20
  Speaker 1: Oh yeah.
• 3:20
  Speaker 2: When I heard it, I was worried a black hole
• 3:22
  Speaker 2: that the music would be so loud in there.
• 3:24
  Speaker 1: In a black hole.
• 3:25
  Speaker 2: Yeah. And I'm like, I'm going to fucking hate that shit.
• 3:27
  Speaker 2: That's why I did not want to be an astronaut.
• 3:29
  Speaker 1: That's so funny. That's so autistic. You didn't want to
• 3:31
  Speaker 1: do it for the loud noises?
• 3:33
  Speaker 2: Well, just the loud music. I'm like, I'm going to
• 3:35
  Speaker 2: fucking call the cops. They're going to come over. Everybody's
• 3:38
  Speaker 2: going to get pissed. It's going to be a world
• 3:40
  Speaker 2: star video or whatever. What an existential crisis is. An
• 3:43
  Speaker 2: existential crisis isn't a formal mental health diagnosis. It's a
• 3:47
  Speaker 2: pattern of thoughts and feelings centered on big questions like
• 3:50
  Speaker 2: who am I? What's my purpose? Does anything really matter?
• 3:54
  Speaker 2: How should I live given that life is fine?
• 3:56
  Speaker 1: Yeah, that's literally what I would think about as a five-year-old.
• 3:59
  Speaker 1: And I remember just seeing other kids playing and stuff
• 4:02
  Speaker 1: and I would just be like, mom, What's, you know,
• 4:06
  Speaker 1: is the world going to end? You know, like just
• 4:08
  Speaker 1: stuff like that.
• 4:09
  Speaker 2: Yeah, I had to worry too early, I think.
• 4:11
  Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, I think me too. Yeah, worried all the time.
• 4:15
  Speaker 2: Why do you think you had to do it though?
• 4:17
  Speaker 1: I don't know. I think I just was curious. I
• 4:19
  Speaker 1: think it comes from curiosity. Isn't curiosity cool? Like it's
• 4:23
  Speaker 1: like so double-edged sword because curiosity makes us want to
• 4:26
  Speaker 1: create and ask things. But then also curiosity is the
• 4:29
  Speaker 1: reason for like, I don't know, bestiality, for example. Right?
• 4:33
  Speaker 1: Because it's all coming from a wonder. What if?
• 4:37
  Speaker 2: Oh, yeah, that's true. Bestiality.
• 4:39
  Speaker 1: That's why the cat got killed. It's because of that,
• 4:44
  Speaker 1: because of curiosity.
• 4:45
  Speaker 2: I want to see that. If they do a mural
• 4:49
  Speaker 2: of that, I don't want to see it.
• 4:50
  Speaker 1: Of a cat?
• 4:51
  Speaker 2: If a cat got killed through bestiality, I'm out. Yeah.
• 4:57
  Speaker 1: Sorry, I don't know how I got down that train
• 4:59
  Speaker 1: of thought.
• 5:00
  Speaker 2: No worries.
• 5:01
  Speaker 1: We're talking about being curious, and I don't know why
• 5:03
  Speaker 1: I thought of that. No worries.
• 5:04
  Speaker 2: I don't think we even know what we're talking about,
• 5:05
  Speaker 2: but it's good. No, no.
• 5:06
  Speaker 1: We're talking about... Do you think.
• 5:07
  Speaker 2: We're making any sense at all? Do you guys think so?
• 5:10
  Speaker 1: I'm following you, and I think I know what you're saying.
• 5:13
  Speaker 1: Do you know what I'm saying?
• 5:14
  Speaker 2: I think so.
• 5:15
  Speaker 1: Are you thinking about the girl in the gym?
• 5:16
  Speaker 2: No. Okay.
• 5:18
  Speaker 1: What if this whole time when we were talking, that's
• 5:19
  Speaker 1: just what you were thinking about?
• 5:21
  Speaker 2: Oh, no, no, no, no. I wouldn't let my brain
• 5:24
  Speaker 2: just like, I don't let my brain just do that anymore.
• 5:27
  Speaker 2: Like I'll try to stay locked. I'm happy to be
• 5:30
  Speaker 2: here with you.
• 5:30
  Speaker 1: Sometimes I do that and I catch myself. It's like tabs.
• 5:33
  Speaker 1: And then I'm like, okay, don't leave that tab open.
• 5:35
  Speaker 1: Just close that one out. So that way I can
• 5:37
  Speaker 1: come back.
• 5:38
  Speaker 2: I control the tabs. Yeah.
• 5:39
  Speaker 1: Yeah. Yeah.
• 5:39
  Speaker 2: You know, every now and then the one of them
• 5:41
  Speaker 2: will get out of hand and I'll have to chase it.
• 5:42
  Speaker 1: Around the screen and shit. Yeah. It's like you get
• 5:44
  Speaker 1: a virus every once in a while.
• 5:46
  Speaker 2: But I control the tabs. Yeah.
• 5:47
  Speaker 1: It's like a porn pop-up and you're like, fuck. Yeah. Yeah.
• 5:50
  Speaker 2: Yeah. Um, But no, what were we talking about?
• 5:53
  Speaker 1: We were talking about like, as kids, just being warriors
• 5:57
  Speaker 1: too soon.
• 5:57
  Speaker 2: Oh yeah.
• 5:58
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 5:58
  Speaker 2: I think that's it. You just find, for some reason,
• 6:00
  Speaker 2: concern comes in too soon for a kid. And I
• 6:04
  Speaker 2: don't know why, sometimes why that happens.
• 6:07
  Speaker 1: I think when you're a sensitive kid, that's part of it.
• 6:11
  Speaker 1: Like you're sensitive. So like, but you don't know when
• 6:13
  Speaker 1: you're a kid that you're sensitive. Everybody else tells you
• 6:16
  Speaker 1: you're sensitive, but you don't know what somebody else's experience
• 6:19
  Speaker 1: is and how they're perceiving the world. So you only
• 6:22
  Speaker 1: know like, oh, that really hurt. And everybody seems to
• 6:25
  Speaker 1: not feel that. But to me, it hurt really bad.
• 6:27
  Speaker 1: And now I'm being dramatic and I feel it so much.
• 6:30
  Speaker 2: And then you worry something's wrong with you.
• 6:32
  Speaker 1: Yeah. Yeah. 100%. I always thought I was so weird.
• 6:34
  Speaker 1: And I always felt like, yeah. Did you feel like
• 6:38
  Speaker 1: that too?
• 6:38
  Speaker 2: Oh, I felt like my life was kind of a
• 6:41
  Speaker 2: nightmare when I was a kid. I'm not getting into like,
• 6:42
  Speaker 2: I'm not into like any woe is me shit, but
• 6:44
  Speaker 2: shit was kind of a nightmare. And so I thought
• 6:46
  Speaker 2: that that the outside is this reflection of me. So
• 6:51
  Speaker 2: I must be a nightmare. Like, oh, if this, cause
• 6:54
  Speaker 2: the world just centers around you, you're a kid. That's
• 6:56
  Speaker 2: all you know. So it's like, fuck, if everything's so
• 6:58
  Speaker 2: fucked up out here, then it must be, it's a
• 7:01
  Speaker 2: reflection of me. I must be fucked up, you know?
• 7:04
  Speaker 2: And that like, I think when you, for me realizing that, well,
• 7:06
  Speaker 2: I think it just like, I don't know. It makes it,
• 7:09
  Speaker 2: it makes a lot of things. You're going uphill a lot.
• 7:12
  Speaker 2: It's up. It's a battle a lot. Yeah.
• 7:14
  Speaker 1: And I think it's kind of like, you know, when
• 7:16
  Speaker 1: you get older, your taste buds decline. I think when
• 7:20
  Speaker 1: you get older, also like you get maybe less sensitive
• 7:22
  Speaker 1: because you get more data and you get more used
• 7:24
  Speaker 1: to like certain experiences. So then things don't feel as intense.
• 7:28
  Speaker 1: So you're still sensitive now, but probably less than when
• 7:31
  Speaker 1: you were like brand new, you know?
• 7:33
  Speaker 2: Yeah, you start to get the hang. No matter what
• 7:35
  Speaker 2: horse you're on, you kind of get the hang of
• 7:37
  Speaker 2: how it rides a little bit.
• 7:38
  Speaker 1: Yeah. So I feel like a lot less stressed out
• 7:41
  Speaker 1: now than I did as a kid, to be honest.
• 7:43
  Speaker 1: I feel like as a kid, I was like peak,
• 7:45
  Speaker 1: like just everything was overwhelming and too much, you know?
• 7:49
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 7:50
  Speaker 1: And then I felt like, how come everybody else seems
• 7:52
  Speaker 1: to be getting along and I'm so weird and I'm
• 7:54
  Speaker 1: trying to be like them, but I'm not, they're on
• 7:57
  Speaker 1: to me, you know? That's what it is.
• 7:58
  Speaker 2: I always felt like I was trying to have to like,
• 7:59
  Speaker 2: I didn't always feel that. A lot of times I
• 8:01
  Speaker 2: felt like I was having to try to posture to
• 8:03
  Speaker 2: fit in and I didn't really know where I fit in.
• 8:05
  Speaker 2: And also sometimes I was kind of glad that I
• 8:07
  Speaker 2: didn't fit into just one place though. Like I think
• 8:09
  Speaker 2: there was bits of all of that, you know? Yeah.
• 8:12
  Speaker 2: But I do start to recently, I start to like, uh, say,
• 8:16
  Speaker 2: thank you, God, for these things that happened, right? Even
• 8:20
  Speaker 2: if some of them are painful, I can say, thank you.
• 8:22
  Speaker 2: Even if something was painful, I can say, thank you, God,
• 8:25
  Speaker 2: you know, because that's the only way, right? Like, even
• 8:29
  Speaker 2: if my family stuff, like, I can still be very
• 8:32
  Speaker 2: grateful to my mother for having me. You know, I
• 8:34
  Speaker 2: can be very grateful to my father for having me. Like,
• 8:38
  Speaker 2: instead of sometimes being generally, like, sometimes I get in
• 8:41
  Speaker 2: this space where I'm generally upset, but I I can
• 8:44
  Speaker 2: still find a lot of specific things that I have
• 8:47
  Speaker 2: gratitude for. And that gives me like a different position
• 8:50
  Speaker 2: to operate from, you know?
• 8:52
  Speaker 1: For sure.
• 8:53
  Speaker 2: I could sit there and think like, oh, I'm upset
• 8:54
  Speaker 2: at my mom about this or this thing happened or
• 8:56
  Speaker 2: my brother or my boss, whatever. But if I can
• 9:00
  Speaker 2: find some, oh, thank them for this, right? And then
• 9:03
  Speaker 2: that's kind of where I can hang my hat on
• 9:05
  Speaker 2: with them, you know? And if my thoughts start to
• 9:07
  Speaker 2: go down some of these other spaces, I can put
• 9:09
  Speaker 2: up some boundaries and say, I'm not going down those
• 9:12
  Speaker 2: spaces anymore just because it's not the best place for
• 9:14
  Speaker 2: me to be. Does that make any sense?
• 9:16
  Speaker 1: Yeah, 100%. And it comes from self-trust and open-mindedness, and
• 9:21
  Speaker 1: it's a fine line. That's what I've been thinking about, too,
• 9:23
  Speaker 1: because I've been like, is it that I don't trust
• 9:26
  Speaker 1: myself or I'm open-minded? I tell myself I'm open-minded, but
• 9:29
  Speaker 1: is that an excuse to not trust myself? Do you
• 9:31
  Speaker 1: know what I mean? Like, sometimes... you want to be
• 9:36
  Speaker 1: open-minded and not think oh I know all the answers
• 9:39
  Speaker 1: because most of the time you don't know all the
• 9:41
  Speaker 1: answers so you look for like you you're open to
• 9:43
  Speaker 1: what people have to say and feedback which is good
• 9:46
  Speaker 1: but then it can go too much to where you
• 9:48
  Speaker 1: don't even listen to what you think and you're you
• 9:50
  Speaker 1: know the gut feeling because with the excuse of oh
• 9:53
  Speaker 1: I'm just being open-minded I don't want to be like
• 9:56
  Speaker 1: I know everything you know does that make any sense
• 9:59
  Speaker 1: so then sometimes it's like, oh, the measure is if
• 10:03
  Speaker 1: people are liking it. But then if that's the only
• 10:06
  Speaker 1: measure and you're not thinking like in your gut, I'm
• 10:08
  Speaker 1: not proud of that. That's when you end up feeling
• 10:10
  Speaker 1: like because I've done things where people have liked. But
• 10:13
  Speaker 1: then I've been like, but, you know, that doesn't really
• 10:15
  Speaker 1: reflect my values very much. And I don't feel good
• 10:17
  Speaker 1: about it, even though it went viral. I don't know
• 10:19
  Speaker 1: if I really feel good about that. Oh, yeah. It's
• 10:21
  Speaker 1: almost like you sold out a little bit because you
• 10:23
  Speaker 1: didn't listen to the voice that was like, but is that.
• 10:26
  Speaker 1: something you value, even if everyone else likes it?
• 10:29
  Speaker 2: Yes, that's something I still value. There's things that I've
• 10:31
  Speaker 2: put out there, like, or that are out in the
• 10:33
  Speaker 2: world that I wish sometimes I hadn't put in certain, like,
• 10:36
  Speaker 2: could be a special or this or that. But then
• 10:39
  Speaker 2: some of it is, I won't even be fair to myself.
• 10:41
  Speaker 2: I will hold myself to my older, myself, when I
• 10:45
  Speaker 2: taped a certain special or something, To a certain special,
• 10:48
  Speaker 2: only have two specials. I will hold myself to when
• 10:51
  Speaker 2: I tape the special or when I put a certain
• 10:52
  Speaker 2: joke out there, I'll hold my current self to those,
• 10:55
  Speaker 2: to the time at that time. You know what I'm saying? Yep.
• 10:57
  Speaker 2: Like I'll hold the person at that time to my
• 11:00
  Speaker 2: current like way of looking at the world. So that's
• 11:03
  Speaker 2: when I start to realize, man, you're too hard on yourself.
• 11:05
  Speaker 2: You're holding a past self to a current belief. That
• 11:09
  Speaker 2: is like, if you watch somebody do that, that would be,
• 11:13
  Speaker 2: it would be insane to watch somebody do that.
• 11:15
  Speaker 1: So that's when it's bad to romanticize something is when
• 11:18
  Speaker 1: it holds you trapped into it. You think romanticizing is good,
• 11:21
  Speaker 1: but then it's just making a story that's better than
• 11:23
  Speaker 1: the current one. And that's not good.
• 11:25
  Speaker 2: Well, sometimes romanticizing, I think is interesting because we're kind
• 11:28
  Speaker 2: of bringing it back to that. Sometimes romanticizing is, it's
• 11:33
  Speaker 2: almost a savior way of like, if you really, had
• 11:39
  Speaker 2: those moments from the past or those feelings, like sometimes
• 11:43
  Speaker 2: maybe you're grateful that your brain romanticizes them, you know?
• 11:46
  Speaker 2: Like maybe if you were trapped in a, you know,
• 11:49
  Speaker 2: if you were like imprisoned for like as a prisoner
• 11:52
  Speaker 2: of war, but there's you, the thing you remember the
• 11:55
  Speaker 2: most is like chats with the guards on a Sunday,
• 11:59
  Speaker 2: you know, it's like, or being able to sit there
• 12:02
  Speaker 2: in peace and meditators, you know, I don't know.
• 12:04
  Speaker 1: Totally. Well, it's like, if all the stories in your
• 12:06
  Speaker 1: head are not quite right, why not make them good?
• 12:10
  Speaker 1: So that way you have like a good like story.
• 12:12
  Speaker 1: Because if it's all made up anyway, why not make
• 12:15
  Speaker 1: up something fun, you know, instead of like making up
• 12:18
  Speaker 1: something bad. It's all made up. Like, I think.
• 12:21
  Speaker 2: Yeah, dude.
• 12:22
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 12:23
  Speaker 2: You're so true. Yeah. I think real, I started, I
• 12:26
  Speaker 2: think I'm just so funny. I'm like, just like in
• 12:28
  Speaker 2: the past 10 days, like in this place where it's like,
• 12:30
  Speaker 2: I'm realizing a little bit more of the control that
• 12:33
  Speaker 2: I have. over how to frame some of my thoughts
• 12:36
  Speaker 2: and frame some of the ways that I'm looking at
• 12:38
  Speaker 2: things and how kind of off some of it has been,
• 12:40
  Speaker 2: you know? And yeah, I guess I'm grateful that I
• 12:43
  Speaker 2: can still kind of learn. And it's definitely a slow process.
• 12:46
  Speaker 2: I don't like to lie to, I don't, I don't know. Every,
• 12:48
  Speaker 2: it's like, I like to be where, I don't know.
• 12:51
  Speaker 2: I like the comfort of the old thoughts and ways,
• 12:54
  Speaker 2: but it's just after a certain point, it doesn't, it's
• 12:55
  Speaker 2: not serving you anymore. Yeah.
• 12:57
  Speaker 1: I feel like it's like, um, it, It's like going
• 13:00
  Speaker 1: on a diet or eating healthy, but with your brain.
• 13:03
  Speaker 1: So when you're reframing things, expressing gratitude, being present, that's
• 13:07
  Speaker 1: you eating healthy. But every once in a while, you
• 13:09
  Speaker 1: want to dip into the junk food. And that's the
• 13:12
  Speaker 1: going back and thinking about things that don't even make
• 13:14
  Speaker 1: you feel that good. But for some reason, you do
• 13:16
  Speaker 1: it anyway, even though it's not helpful. Because why? It
• 13:21
  Speaker 1: must be doing something to do that.
• 13:23
  Speaker 2: Right. Yeah. Oh, well, I think for me, Christina, I
• 13:26
  Speaker 2: realized there was a time where I was like, man,
• 13:28
  Speaker 2: sometimes I don't want to leave these old feelings of
• 13:31
  Speaker 2: being sorry for myself or feeling bad or thinking about
• 13:33
  Speaker 2: the sad things. Sometimes I don't want to leave those feelings.
• 13:36
  Speaker 2: Sometimes I would, because they're the only for at a
• 13:40
  Speaker 2: certain point for years, they were the only friends that
• 13:42
  Speaker 2: I felt like even had like somewhere deep inside of me.
• 13:45
  Speaker 2: It was like, those are the realest things I knew
• 13:48
  Speaker 2: was like how much pain I was in or how
• 13:50
  Speaker 2: I felt or like this level, like, a certain level
• 13:53
  Speaker 2: of discomfort, they were like my closest friends. Does it
• 13:57
  Speaker 2: make any sense? Like they were the things I felt
• 13:59
  Speaker 2: the most. So to leave them, it almost feels like
• 14:02
  Speaker 2: you're abandoning a big part of yourself, which in some
• 14:06
  Speaker 2: ways sometimes you are, you know?
• 14:07
  Speaker 1: And I feel like sometimes it's comfortable to be in
• 14:09
  Speaker 1: that mindset of like... Pain, because if you start feeling
• 14:14
  Speaker 1: too good, that kind of sets off alarms. It's like, oh,
• 14:17
  Speaker 1: now I have something to lose. But if I can
• 14:19
  Speaker 1: like retreat in the safe place of like, not misery,
• 14:22
  Speaker 1: but like pain, then it's like, well, I was already
• 14:24
  Speaker 1: there and I didn't expect much more, you know? And
• 14:26
  Speaker 1: it's almost like a protective mechanism because it's scary to
• 14:30
  Speaker 1: feel completely good.
• 14:32
  Speaker 2: It's scary to feel like you deserve something.
• 14:34
  Speaker 1: Yeah, that too. Like you, but.
• 14:36
  Speaker 2: Yeah. It's not, but that's a lie. But that was
• 14:39
  Speaker 2: a lie that I think was stuck in me for
• 14:40
  Speaker 2: a long time. It's scary to feel like I deserve something.
• 14:42
  Speaker 2: Or if I feel like I deserve something, what are
• 14:43
  Speaker 2: other people going to think of that?
• 14:45
  Speaker 1: Yeah. Or like, oh, am I going to jinx it?
• 14:47
  Speaker 1: If I feel, I don't know.
• 14:48
  Speaker 2: That's kind of like, oh, I think there's some karma
• 14:50
  Speaker 2: in there.
• 14:50
  Speaker 1: Something like that. Yeah, too. It's like all these like, oh,
• 14:53
  Speaker 1: I need to like keep. putting my, making myself smaller.
• 14:56
  Speaker 1: So that way I don't lose everything almost, or I
• 14:58
  Speaker 1: don't like fuck it up because I'm being like, I'm
• 15:02
  Speaker 1: giving myself too much. That's not good. Like, I don't
• 15:04
  Speaker 1: know why we feel like that.
• 15:06
  Speaker 2: There is a nice balance with that though, because I
• 15:07
  Speaker 2: think the world, like you do want to watch your
• 15:11
  Speaker 2: ego because your ego will also trick you into thinking that,
• 15:14
  Speaker 2: you know, you deserve like everything's like, you know, that
• 15:17
  Speaker 2: there's something more special about you. You know, it's okay
• 15:21
  Speaker 2: to think that there's something special about you, but to
• 15:23
  Speaker 2: think that there's something more, like, I don't know. Yeah,
• 15:26
  Speaker 2: I don't know.
• 15:27
  Speaker 1: Yeah, but it wouldn't be like that. It's like a
• 15:30
  Speaker 1: fine line between ego and like loving yourself the way
• 15:33
  Speaker 1: you love like your sibling or your mom or somebody,
• 15:36
  Speaker 1: you know, like, because like when I see my sister,
• 15:40
  Speaker 1: for example, I'm like, she's amazing. She's great. She can
• 15:43
  Speaker 1: do whatever she wants. And that's not me being like,
• 15:46
  Speaker 1: thinking that like some ego driven thing, it's just love,
• 15:49
  Speaker 1: you know? So I think that's, it feels like ego
• 15:53
  Speaker 1: when you do it to yourself, you know, when it's like, no,
• 15:56
  Speaker 1: but I do that for other people. Why do I
• 15:58
  Speaker 1: feel guilty doing it for myself? It's not like from
• 16:01
  Speaker 1: a place of superiority, it should be just love. And
• 16:04
  Speaker 1: I think that's the struggle is loving yourself, but like
• 16:07
  Speaker 1: keeping yourself in check, like not, it's the difference. It's
• 16:11
  Speaker 1: the difference being like egotistical and loving yourself, but it's
• 16:13
  Speaker 1: a hard difference to distinguish, I guess.
• 16:16
  Speaker 2: But I think thinking about it and seeing it a
• 16:18
  Speaker 2: little bit and having a conversation with it, you know, like, well,
• 16:21
  Speaker 2: why do I act this way? Like, what do I
• 16:23
  Speaker 2: get out of acting this way? Or what am I
• 16:25
  Speaker 2: afraid of if I do behave this way? And like,
• 16:27
  Speaker 2: but having some of that self-conversation, I think it's like,
• 16:31
  Speaker 2: that's pretty key. And some of it can be fun
• 16:33
  Speaker 2: to have some of that conversation.