Latest / Do You F*cking Mind? / Create excuses or create change. You decide. (E)

Transcript

Create excuses or create change. You decide. (E) · Do You F*cking Mind?

0:14
Speaker 1: All right, everybody, welcome to today's episode, My Beautiful Burns.
0:18
Speaker 1: This episode is all about excuses. It's all about how
0:22
Speaker 1: do not make excuses, and if you're going to make excuses,
0:26
Speaker 1: how to approach it differently, because you're going to realize
0:29
Speaker 1: that most of the reason why we don't do the
0:32
Speaker 1: things we do, or why we continue to repeat these
0:35
Speaker 1: same patterns is because we are in this state of denial.
0:38
Speaker 1: A lot of the excuses that we make don't serve
0:41
Speaker 1: us at all, but we do it to avoid discomfort.
0:45
Speaker 1: We do it to avoid awkward situations or being vulnerable
0:50
Speaker 1: or something that we're fearful of. So we're always avoiding, avoiding, avoiding,
0:53
Speaker 1: making all these excuses, and at the end of the day,
0:56
Speaker 1: the person that gets hurt, the person that doesn't grow,
0:59
Speaker 1: the person that does learn or change is you. Now,
1:02
Speaker 1: these excuses are around things that you don't do that
1:06
Speaker 1: you wish you did, like a routine exercising something towards
1:10
Speaker 1: your career, but they're also around excusing your behavior to
1:13
Speaker 1: kind of negative or damaging things that you have done
1:16
Speaker 1: instead of owning your behavior toward yourself and also to
1:19
Speaker 1: other people. So that is what this episode is going
1:22
Speaker 1: to be about. I'm going to give you some things
1:24
Speaker 1: to think about, some tools, some actual steps that you
1:26
Speaker 1: can do to help you kind of navigate how it
1:30
Speaker 1: is and when it is that you form an excuse,
1:32
Speaker 1: and hopefully by the end of this you do it
1:34
Speaker 1: a lot less. You become way more accountable, and you're
1:36
Speaker 1: just you know, better all round. You're a better person
1:40
Speaker 1: to date, you're a better friend to have, and you're
1:43
Speaker 1: just kinder to yourself and your future self. So let's
1:46
Speaker 1: get straight into the episode of today. There's a lot
1:48
Speaker 1: that I want to get through and let's not fluff around. Hello,
2:12
Speaker 1: my beautiful beings. Whether you're a long time listener to
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2:30
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2:43
Speaker 1: listening today. So why do we make excuses? As I said,
2:47
Speaker 1: earlier in the intro. There's a whole reason why you're
2:50
Speaker 1: going to make excuses. The first one, and I think
2:53
Speaker 1: the most common one, is because you want to avoid discomfort.
2:57
Speaker 1: You want to avoid doing something that's not enjoyable. It's
3:00
Speaker 1: doing what you don't want to do. You don't want
3:02
Speaker 1: to have to clean the house, you don't want to
3:03
Speaker 1: have to be doing your tax return, you don't want
3:05
Speaker 1: to be taking out the rubbish. So there's all these
3:08
Speaker 1: waking up early, all that shit, all these like minor
3:10
Speaker 1: discomforts in your life that we make excuses for. That's
3:12
Speaker 1: like probably the most common one that we can all
3:14
Speaker 1: relate to. We also do it to avoid feeling or
3:19
Speaker 1: being wrong, and that comes down to being vulnerable. A
3:22
Speaker 1: lot of people will do anything in their power not
3:25
Speaker 1: to apologize because they feel that by admitting that they
3:28
Speaker 1: were wrong or that the behavior that they did was wrong,
3:31
Speaker 1: they think that that's then going to impact their sense
3:33
Speaker 1: of self and it's going to make someone think, oh,
3:35
Speaker 1: you are an idiot, you are a fool. It's too
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Speaker 1: Being right is way to attach to someone's identity, So
3:42
Speaker 1: they do it, so they make all these excuses around
3:44
Speaker 1: why they did that. Work God forbid that they did
3:46
Speaker 1: it because they were wrong and it was the wrong
3:48
Speaker 1: thing to do. They'll say, oh, this is why I
3:50
Speaker 1: did it, and this is why I had to do it,
3:52
Speaker 1: and they had come up with all these excuses under
3:54
Speaker 1: the sun. They damage relationships instead of just being open
3:58
Speaker 1: and honest and vulnerable. People don't want to be vulnerable
4:01
Speaker 1: because it feels like an attack to who they are
4:04
Speaker 1: and their identity. Okay. Another one is to avoid having
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Speaker 1: to restart or go back to square one with something. Okay,
4:13
Speaker 1: so that could be with like literally anything, relationships, anything,
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Speaker 1: You'll you'll excuse why you did it a certain way,
4:19
Speaker 1: or why you're staying in a position that you're staying
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Speaker 1: in even though it makes you miserable, or why you're
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Speaker 1: still hanging out with these people, or staying in this relationship,
4:28
Speaker 1: et cetera, et cetera, because you don't like this feeling
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Speaker 1: of being, you know, back to square one, whether it's
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Speaker 1: in a relationship or being a novice at something. People
4:35
Speaker 1: don't like that. And then we also do it to
4:37
Speaker 1: avoid being attacked, whether it's our ego, whether it's our
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Speaker 1: work that we do, who we are as a person.
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Speaker 1: We just don't want to feel, you know, open to attack,
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Speaker 1: So we make excuses around a lot of the things
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Speaker 1: that we do. Now, every time you excuse your own
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Speaker 1: detrimental behavior or your own unhelpful behavior, you're saying to yourself,
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Speaker 1: the reason that I can't change is because of this right,
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Speaker 1: and if you believe it, or if you tell yourself
5:06
Speaker 1: these excuses often enough, you probably will believe it. You're
5:10
Speaker 1: basically saying to yourself that all these things are actually
5:13
Speaker 1: not in your control, so why try and change it?
5:17
Speaker 1: And then because of that, you're looking around for all
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Speaker 1: these quick fixes to stop feeling discomfort or to stop
5:23
Speaker 1: feeling shit about yourself, and all you're doing is pacifying
5:26
Speaker 1: yourself instead of getting to the root cause and making
5:28
Speaker 1: some big changes. Okay, every time you say it to yourself,
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Speaker 1: oh well, the reason I didn't do it was because
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Speaker 1: of this, and you claim that the reason was something
5:36
Speaker 1: completely out of your control, then you are saying to yourself,
5:40
Speaker 1: nothing about this is in my control. And if you
5:43
Speaker 1: believe it, why would you bother ever trying to change
5:47
Speaker 1: Why would you bother trying to lift a five hundred
5:50
Speaker 1: kilo thing if you know you can't lift it, you
5:52
Speaker 1: just wouldn't try but if you knew that that thing
5:54
Speaker 1: was actually not five hundred killers, it was actually fifty killers,
5:57
Speaker 1: maybe you would try. Maybe you would see how you
5:59
Speaker 1: can lift it. Okay. The same goes for your problems.
6:02
Speaker 1: The same goes for things in your life. Okay, Now,
6:05
Speaker 1: what are you getting out of this destructive behavior? You
6:09
Speaker 1: have to ask yourself this because we all get something
6:11
Speaker 1: out of it, and it's really good to identify what
6:14
Speaker 1: it is. Okay, ask yourself, Am I getting something out
6:17
Speaker 1: of me blowing up and being angry? Am I getting
6:21
Speaker 1: something out of me avoiding doing this action? Or am
6:24
Speaker 1: I getting something out of doing this action which is
6:28
Speaker 1: actually then going to be detrimental? And the answer is yes,
6:30
Speaker 1: otherwise you wouldn't do it. Where fucking simple creatures? You me?
6:34
Speaker 1: We are all simple creatures, okay, and the reason there's
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Speaker 1: a reason behind everything that we do. So when you
6:41
Speaker 1: say what am I getting out of it? Don't say,
6:42
Speaker 1: oh no, nothing, I just hate that at bullshit. Find
6:46
Speaker 1: out what you're getting out of it. Find what is
6:49
Speaker 1: your driver? Find what is your kryptonite? Because if you
6:54
Speaker 1: can't identify it, how are you going to address it?
6:56
Speaker 1: How are you going to change it? Be real with yourself.
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Speaker 1: You don't have to admit this to other people around you,
7:00
Speaker 1: but be real, but answer the question, what do I
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Speaker 1: get out of this destructive behavior? What are my gains?
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Speaker 1: What do I feel is a win in that moment,
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Speaker 1: even if I beat myself up about it for three
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Speaker 1: days after, what is the win? Figure it out and
7:16
Speaker 1: answer it because you're not going to be able to
7:18
Speaker 1: progress further without knowing that information. Now you might be thinking, well,
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Speaker 1: how the fuck can that behavior be serving me? I
7:24
Speaker 1: hate I hate when I'm doing it. I hate it.
7:26
Speaker 1: I just blah blah blah blah blah. I hate you
7:28
Speaker 1: know when I talk about For example, say you're somebody
7:32
Speaker 1: that really wants a relationship, but the way you approach
7:35
Speaker 1: things is, you know, like you, deep down you want
7:37
Speaker 1: a relationship, but your language and your behavior is I
7:40
Speaker 1: don't have time for someone. I don't this, I don't that.
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Speaker 1: I'm you know, don't want a relationship. People can get fucked.
7:46
Speaker 1: Relationships are fucked. You know whatever it is that your
7:49
Speaker 1: language is okay, But secretly, deep down you do want
7:52
Speaker 1: a relationship. But maybe you've been hurt so many times
7:55
Speaker 1: or in such a bad way that your walls are
7:57
Speaker 1: up you really don't want to be hurt the way
7:59
Speaker 1: you were again, so you have this protective mechanism of
8:02
Speaker 1: pretending that you actually don't want a relationship, pretending XYZ
8:06
Speaker 1: whatever it is. And then you're actually damaging yourself because
8:09
Speaker 1: you're not being vulnerable opening up yourself to meeting people.
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Speaker 1: Mind you, there are actually people out there that fucking
8:14
Speaker 1: don't want a relationship. Love that so much for you.
8:16
Speaker 1: I'm talking about a different scenario here. Now. If that's
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Speaker 1: the case, you might be thinking, well, why the fuck
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Speaker 1: am I doing this behavior. It's not serving me. I'm
8:24
Speaker 1: not getting something out of it. But humans have this crazy, strange,
8:28
Speaker 1: annoying capacity to form this really deep attachment to their pain. Okay,
8:33
Speaker 1: because pain and what you've gone through actually does form well,
8:39
Speaker 1: you choose how much it does. But it forms part
8:40
Speaker 1: of our identity, okay, and we sometimes turn it into
8:44
Speaker 1: a really big part of our identity when it doesn't
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Speaker 1: need to be. And getting rid of that part of
8:50
Speaker 1: your identity can be really scary because it means that
8:53
Speaker 1: you can't lean on and rely on a lot of
8:56
Speaker 1: things about your identity. You know. So, for example, if
8:59
Speaker 1: you're someone that it's just unlucky in love. You can
9:02
Speaker 1: then turn around and say, oh, well, I don't even
9:04
Speaker 1: want a relationship anyway. I've been burnt so hard. People
9:07
Speaker 1: can get fucked. I don't know. Ah. And that's your
9:10
Speaker 1: kind of the pain that you're leaning on as your
9:13
Speaker 1: protective mechanism as to why things haven't worked out for you.
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Speaker 1: As an example, the same thing could go for you
9:19
Speaker 1: could be in a particular career and now you've been
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Speaker 1: burnt from experiences within that career, when in the past
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Speaker 1: you used to really want to climb up and go
9:27
Speaker 1: for those bigger roles and this and that, whereas now
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Speaker 1: you're like, Nah, fuck it, this job's fucked. Everything's fucked.
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Speaker 1: I'm not going for that. Only wankers go for that job,
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Speaker 1: So why the fuck am I going to go for
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Speaker 1: that promotion? They're all fucked anywhere. I wouldn't want this,
9:37
Speaker 1: I wouldn't want that. So you make all these excuses
9:40
Speaker 1: around why you're not going to go for that role,
9:42
Speaker 1: when in reality, maybe the reason you're not going for
9:44
Speaker 1: that role is because you don't feel confident enough in
9:47
Speaker 1: your abilities to try. For example, Okay, so that's that's
9:50
Speaker 1: just a bunch of you know, examples that show how
9:53
Speaker 1: we get so heavily attached to this pain within us,
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Speaker 1: pain of you know, where we were hurt before, or
10:00
Speaker 1: we were made to feel like an idiot, or what
10:01
Speaker 1: we felt really insecure, and then we attach ourselves so
10:05
Speaker 1: heavily to that pain that we find it really hard
10:07
Speaker 1: to shake off. And then because of that, we make
10:09
Speaker 1: excuses around our behaviors so we can keep leaning on
10:12
Speaker 1: that pain narrative, as fucked as it is. That is
10:15
Speaker 1: what we do so as a little game, and this
10:17
Speaker 1: is I do have steps coming up that I want
10:19
Speaker 1: you to focus on, but before we do that, as
10:21
Speaker 1: a bit of a game or whatever, every time you
10:24
Speaker 1: don't do something that you want to be doing for
10:27
Speaker 1: your future self, like part of something, something in your
10:29
Speaker 1: routine or where you eat or way you exercise, whatever
10:32
Speaker 1: it is that you want to do. Every time you
10:34
Speaker 1: don't do something, or every time you engage in destructive
10:38
Speaker 1: behavior that doesn't help your future self or you today,
10:42
Speaker 1: ask yourself, Number one, what is the excuse I'm giving
10:45
Speaker 1: for taking this action or for not taking this action?
10:48
Speaker 1: Number two? What am I getting out of it? Because
10:50
Speaker 1: there's always something? Number three? What am I avoiding? What
10:54
Speaker 1: feelings specifically am I avoiding? And number four, what am
10:58
Speaker 1: I trying to reply sit with? Okay, So, for example,
11:02
Speaker 1: say you're avoiding being vulnerable, you might replace that with
11:07
Speaker 1: something that's going to make you feel a lot of comfort.
11:09
Speaker 1: So that could be watching TV, it could be eating something,
11:12
Speaker 1: it could be being on social media. Whatever. So you're
11:15
Speaker 1: trying to avoid going outside and exercising that day, you
11:20
Speaker 1: might replace it with sleeping further with the excuse that
11:23
Speaker 1: I'm tired. Okay. So what I want you to also
11:27
Speaker 1: think about before we get into the points, the steps, whatever,
11:31
Speaker 1: that you are not alone. Everybody to an extent goes
11:36
Speaker 1: through something like this, okay, and everybody makes excuses for things,
11:41
Speaker 1: and people are constantly putting off what they want to
11:43
Speaker 1: be doing this feeling off but I just don't have
11:46
Speaker 1: the driver. I just don't have the motivation. That is normal.
11:49
Speaker 1: You can get better at harnessing those things. But this
11:53
Speaker 1: idea of always making excuses for not doing something or
11:56
Speaker 1: for doing something is so common. We all experience it.
11:59
Speaker 1: You're not alone, so don't think, oh my god, it
12:01
Speaker 1: must be easy for everyone else and that's why they're
12:03
Speaker 1: able to do all these things. No, we all experience
12:06
Speaker 1: it in a different way. And some people have learned
12:08
Speaker 1: to kind of nip it in the bud a lot
12:10
Speaker 1: earlier than others. And some people never learn their entire life.
12:13
Speaker 1: They live their life making excuses, and they have many
12:16
Speaker 1: miserable relationships and things unfold because of that. Okay, but
12:21
Speaker 1: I did put up a story asking you, guys, what
12:23
Speaker 1: do you make excuses around? And there were so many answers.
12:27
Speaker 1: I'm talking hundreds and hundreds of answers, but this is
12:29
Speaker 1: a bunch of them. So I make excuses around the weather.
12:32
Speaker 1: The weather decides everything that I do. I always say
12:35
Speaker 1: that I'll do something tomorrow because it's better done tomorrow,
12:38
Speaker 1: because I'll be more fresh. I always make excuses around
12:42
Speaker 1: why I don't have to why I'm not going to
12:43
Speaker 1: work out. I always make excuses around my children, so
12:47
Speaker 1: I don't do other things. So everything's based around the children.
12:50
Speaker 1: So that's I'm guessing they're saying, so they don't do
12:52
Speaker 1: things for themselves. I can't start a routine because I
12:56
Speaker 1: don't work a nine to five, excuses not to be
13:00
Speaker 1: social and see people because that drains me. Signing up
13:04
Speaker 1: to a cause and a degree. I always make excuses
13:07
Speaker 1: to not do that. I don't study because I tell
13:09
Speaker 1: myself I'm not smart enough. I always make excuses about
13:12
Speaker 1: why I don't have motivation. Timing isn't right, lack of money,
13:15
Speaker 1: lack of support, lack of time my behaviors in my relationship.
13:20
Speaker 1: The main one that came up all the time was
13:22
Speaker 1: people saying the reason they don't do something is because
13:24
Speaker 1: of time. That was the biggest one. Okay, now, one
13:29
Speaker 1: thing that I want you to figure out and ask
13:31
Speaker 1: yourself is are you genuinely time poor or is it
13:36
Speaker 1: not a priority? Is it genuinely I can't do this,
13:41
Speaker 1: or it's I won't do it because it's not a
13:44
Speaker 1: priority with my time. Because if something's a priority, it's
13:49
Speaker 1: very amazing how quickly you can shuffle things around to
13:52
Speaker 1: squeeze it in. It's all about priority. You might not
13:55
Speaker 1: have time based on what it is that you're doing
13:57
Speaker 1: right now with your day fair enough, you might have
13:59
Speaker 1: your day booked out and whatever, But say this crazy
14:01
Speaker 1: opportunity comes by what yourself make the time. So it
14:05
Speaker 1: comes down to priority. Is it a time issue or
14:10
Speaker 1: is it a time management issue? Are you lacking the
14:12
Speaker 1: ability or are you lacking the inspiration? Okay, So excuses
14:19
Speaker 1: are a way of covering up the reality of a situation.
14:23
Speaker 1: You're excusing a feeling or a behavior. Okay, Because if
14:27
Speaker 1: you don't do something or you do something and there's
14:29
Speaker 1: a really valid reason, then it's a reason. You either
14:32
Speaker 1: have a reason or you have an excuse, and the
14:35
Speaker 1: excuse is secondary to the underlying reason. Okay. Like I
14:40
Speaker 1: didn't exercise because it was raining. No, that's an excuse.
14:44
Speaker 1: I didn't exercise because I really didn't want to and
14:47
Speaker 1: I couldn't be fucked finding an alternative thing to do
14:50
Speaker 1: within the household, not because you were incapable of exercising
14:54
Speaker 1: from home. For example, if you've already blocked out the
14:57
Speaker 1: time and you've said I'm going to excis them going ou,
15:00
Speaker 1: I'm going to this class. You have the time, and
15:02
Speaker 1: then you look at that and it's raining. You don't
15:04
Speaker 1: walk to the gym because it's raining. Fair enough, I
15:06
Speaker 1: get that. Why aren't you doing something at home because
15:09
Speaker 1: you don't want to find an alternative Because you might say, oh,
15:12
Speaker 1: I'm not motivated, I'm not self motivated, I'm not this,
15:14
Speaker 1: I'm not that fine, but their excuses, it's not that
15:17
Speaker 1: you couldn't do it okay. Is that you didn't like
15:20
Speaker 1: the alternative and it wasn't good enough for you, so
15:22
Speaker 1: you decided not to do it anything at all, okay,
15:25
Speaker 1: and own it. That's just reality, but that's what you're doing.
15:30
Speaker 1: The same thing goes for relationships when someone when you're
15:33
Speaker 1: seeing someone and they say, oh, I just don't want
15:35
Speaker 1: to date right now, I don't want to date. I
15:36
Speaker 1: don't really have the time to date, so I'm just
15:38
Speaker 1: do it, keeping it casual. And then you stop seeing
15:40
Speaker 1: each other, and then the next person that comes along,
15:43
Speaker 1: they get into a relationship with and they're engaged in whatever,
15:46
Speaker 1: and you feel so confused and hurt. The truth is
15:49
Speaker 1: they didn't have time for a relationship with you. You
15:52
Speaker 1: didn't rock their world enough for them to justify the sacrifice. Okay,
15:56
Speaker 1: off time or whatever it is, okay. And I personally
15:59
Speaker 1: think that when you hear instead of being oh my god,
16:01
Speaker 1: I'm so confused, why not? Why not me? Why it should?
16:05
Speaker 1: If anything, make things so clear to you. There's nothing
16:08
Speaker 1: confusing about it. If they make time for someone else
16:11
Speaker 1: and didn't make time for you, you weren't it for them?
16:15
Speaker 1: Perfect bonjon A, have a great time and I'm going
16:20
Speaker 1: to move the fuck on too. It's not a bad thing.
16:23
Speaker 1: Don't when someone doesn't find that you know X factor
16:28
Speaker 1: within you, it doesn't mean you don't have the X factor.
16:30
Speaker 1: It's that you didn't align with them. It's not a
16:33
Speaker 1: personal stab. I always say this, like, some of I
16:36
Speaker 1: know some of the best people in the world around me,
16:39
Speaker 1: like the biggest legends. But do I want to date
16:40
Speaker 1: them all? No? And is that a personal stab at them? Absolutely?
16:44
Speaker 1: Not right. You've got to look at it that way,
16:46
Speaker 1: look at the people around you and think, fuck, this
16:48
Speaker 1: person as a person is a ten out of ten.
16:50
Speaker 1: Wouldn't want to shag you, No, I'm not. I'm not
16:53
Speaker 1: attracted to you in that way, wouldn't want to date you,
16:55
Speaker 1: wouldn't want to be waking up to you every single morning,
16:57
Speaker 1: as much as I love you. Okay, so it's not
16:59
Speaker 1: a personal stab. It's all about aligning. Do you or
17:02
Speaker 1: do you not align? But if someone's told you that
17:04
Speaker 1: narrative or if I'm not dating because I don't have time,
17:07
Speaker 1: that's rarely, really, really rarely rarely the actual reason they're
17:11
Speaker 1: not dating you because it's just not quite right for them,
17:15
Speaker 1: That's why. But do you know what's actually really liberating
17:19
Speaker 1: being honest about what you don't want to do enough,
17:23
Speaker 1: because there's a difference thinking, oh, i'd be cool to
17:25
Speaker 1: learn that skill versus it has always been my dream
17:29
Speaker 1: to do that my whole life. I hope I get
17:31
Speaker 1: to do that. I really want to do that. One
17:33
Speaker 1: is this hypothetical imagining and one is a deep desire.
17:37
Speaker 1: So you want to identify which one it is. Okay,
17:40
Speaker 1: So for example, take me, for example, one skill that
17:45
Speaker 1: I've always thought, oh fuck, it'd be cool to learn
17:47
Speaker 1: that is skipping. Okay, I've always thought it'd be really
17:50
Speaker 1: cool to be one of those gun skippers that do
17:52
Speaker 1: all the tricks with the Okay, random fucking skill, I know, lol,
17:56
Speaker 1: But I just thought it'd be cool to be good
17:57
Speaker 1: at skipping. But why have I known not started doing it?
18:01
Speaker 1: How hard can it be to dedicate ten to fifteen
18:03
Speaker 1: minutes a day to doing it? Not that hard, like
18:05
Speaker 1: it's doable. But the reason I haven't done it is
18:07
Speaker 1: because obviously I just have not. It's more like a
18:10
Speaker 1: hypothetical i'd be cool versus it's always been my dream,
18:14
Speaker 1: and I absolutely would have. I really want to fucking
18:16
Speaker 1: do that. Okay. So if someone said to me, Alexis,
18:19
Speaker 1: you're never gonna be good at skipping. I'm gonna reach
18:20
Speaker 1: the end of your life, and because you kept putting
18:23
Speaker 1: it off, you'll never be good at skipping. That doesn't
18:24
Speaker 1: affect me too much. I'm okay with that. I'm okay
18:27
Speaker 1: with that knowledge. If I pick it up one day
18:29
Speaker 1: and I get good at it, great, If I don't,
18:31
Speaker 1: not the end of the world. Whereas there are other
18:33
Speaker 1: things that would be way more important to me that
18:35
Speaker 1: if someone said this is never going to happen for you,
18:37
Speaker 1: alexis purely because you didn't put in the time and energy,
18:40
Speaker 1: I would be very upset and I would make sure
18:42
Speaker 1: that I changed things in my lifestyle to get those
18:44
Speaker 1: things done. Does that make sense? It is okay to say,
18:48
Speaker 1: you know what, I talk about this all the time,
18:49
Speaker 1: but I actually don't give a fuck about this thing.
18:51
Speaker 1: I actually don't really want to do it. I just
18:55
Speaker 1: think you'd like look cool to do it, or I'd
18:57
Speaker 1: be fun to do it for a little bit, but
18:58
Speaker 1: then i'd probably get over it anyway, not really something
19:01
Speaker 1: I have to do. So pull apart the things that
19:04
Speaker 1: you're like, this is fucking important to me, I need
19:06
Speaker 1: to do something and change my life so I can
19:08
Speaker 1: make it happen. Versus start talking about that like it
19:11
Speaker 1: is what it is. If it happens, it happens, I
19:13
Speaker 1: don't really give a fuck. Okay, Now there are excuses
19:16
Speaker 1: for not changing. There's excuses for not starting something, excuses
19:19
Speaker 1: for not being consistent, and excuses for having like repetitive
19:24
Speaker 1: detrimental behaviors. Okay, there's all kinds of excuses, but one
19:28
Speaker 1: that I want to tap on is the excuses around
19:32
Speaker 1: how you your behavior towards other people. Okay, sometimes it's
19:36
Speaker 1: really really clear. Sometimes it's not that clear. But we,
19:41
Speaker 1: maybe not all of us, but a lot of us
19:43
Speaker 1: engage in detrimental, destructive behaviors within our relationships. Even if
19:48
Speaker 1: you're not a toxic person in general, we often we're
19:51
Speaker 1: not even often, but we most of us have some
19:54
Speaker 1: sort of destructive behavior that will make excuses around and
19:57
Speaker 1: you know, it could be pushing you away because I've
19:59
Speaker 1: been burned, take it or leave it, that's just me.
20:02
Speaker 1: You're making excuses around why you don't want to drop
20:04
Speaker 1: yours and be vulnerable with someone who is not responsible
20:07
Speaker 1: for you being hurt. You know, so often the new
20:10
Speaker 1: partner bears the brunt of everything the old partner did
20:14
Speaker 1: because that person is making excuses saying, I've been hurt,
20:16
Speaker 1: You're not gonna hurt me. You have to earn my
20:19
Speaker 1: trust now, bullshit, you're the only one suffering now. If
20:22
Speaker 1: you make someone earn your trust because you're not trustworthy,
20:24
Speaker 1: you're not enjoying yourself right. Another example is say you're
20:28
Speaker 1: someone that's, you know, always getting drunk and you have
20:34
Speaker 1: either your best friend or your partner is a big
20:36
Speaker 1: one that you always lash out at them and you
20:38
Speaker 1: act like an obnoxious fool, and your excuse is, oh, well,
20:41
Speaker 1: it's just that every time I drink, this happens. Right.
20:44
Speaker 1: But if you're always turning around and making your partner
20:47
Speaker 1: or your friends or your family feel like fucking shit
20:49
Speaker 1: every time you drink, then why aren't you changing it? Right?
20:53
Speaker 1: Because the stakes are not high enough. That's why you're
20:56
Speaker 1: not changing it. The reason you haven't done something about
20:59
Speaker 1: it is because the people around you are too patient
21:02
Speaker 1: with you. But how long will that patient last? What's
21:06
Speaker 1: the straw that breaks the camel's back. If all your
21:08
Speaker 1: friends or your partner said, I'm not hanging out with
21:11
Speaker 1: you if you start getting a bit too drunk, the
21:14
Speaker 1: moment you have that extra drink, I'm tapping out. We're done.
21:17
Speaker 1: We're not hanging out with you anymore until you sort
21:20
Speaker 1: out how you treat us when you're drunk. Would you
21:22
Speaker 1: let it get to that point again? Probably not the
21:25
Speaker 1: reason you continue drinking and blowing up, But the people
21:28
Speaker 1: that are closest to you is because people are allowing
21:32
Speaker 1: you to carry on like a pork chop if you
21:36
Speaker 1: were if there was a bit of an ultimatum and
21:38
Speaker 1: people like, we're done. Here is the fucking line. You've
21:40
Speaker 1: crossed it too many times. We're pushing you back over
21:42
Speaker 1: that line. Cross it again, and we fucking we're done
21:46
Speaker 1: for a little bit. Like we're we're not going out
21:47
Speaker 1: with you anymore, We're not drinking with you, We're only
21:49
Speaker 1: going to socialize with you. Sober. Watch yourself makes some
21:52
Speaker 1: serious changes. Watch it happen. Okay, the stakes just aren't
21:56
Speaker 1: high enough for you. The potential loss doesn't exist, at
22:00
Speaker 1: least you think it doesn't exist. Okay, that's why people
22:03
Speaker 1: continue on with these destructive behaviors because they know that
22:05
Speaker 1: the people around them are going to stick around. But
22:08
Speaker 1: is it worth it no, okay. And the same goes
22:11
Speaker 1: when you make excuses for other people's behaviors that are
22:14
Speaker 1: hurting you or hurting those around you. Stop thinking that
22:17
Speaker 1: people can't control their hurtful behavior. They can, but it
22:21
Speaker 1: requires effort right to stop that behavior, requires conscious effort
22:25
Speaker 1: to change the way they're behaving. And if effort is
22:28
Speaker 1: not something that they're willing to give, then how important
22:31
Speaker 1: is your relationship to them? So, like I said, we
22:34
Speaker 1: always make excuses to avoid the actual truth or the
22:38
Speaker 1: feeling or whatever's actually happening underneath, okay. And excuses are
22:43
Speaker 1: not an accurate representation of what's going on. They're just
22:46
Speaker 1: to cover up, okay. So it's like an exaggerated justification
22:50
Speaker 1: as to why you do or don't do something. It's
22:52
Speaker 1: a justification, okay. It's us trying to rationalize and give
22:56
Speaker 1: an explanation so we don't feel guilty or we don't
22:58
Speaker 1: feel uncomfortable. And it does work in the very short
23:01
Speaker 1: time frame. Otherwise we wouldn't do it. What happens is
23:04
Speaker 1: you take away your responsibility and you take away your
23:07
Speaker 1: role in what you're doing, and you say it's due
23:10
Speaker 1: to these circumstances that I cannot do a thing, But
23:13
Speaker 1: what are the chances that most days there is some
23:16
Speaker 1: crazy circumstance that's not within your control that has caused you,
23:19
Speaker 1: yet again, to not get up early. There's a difference
23:22
Speaker 1: between making an excuse versus acknowledging a roadblock. For example,
23:26
Speaker 1: if you always do twenty minutes of studying a language
23:29
Speaker 1: every single day, then one day you realize you have
23:32
Speaker 1: a deadline for a piece of work or an essay,
23:33
Speaker 1: so you dedicate that whole afternoon to get the project done,
23:36
Speaker 1: and then the language class gets pushed to the side
23:38
Speaker 1: of that day. That is you acknowledging the circumstances around
23:41
Speaker 1: you that cause that outcome. Okay, if you're pretty consistent
23:44
Speaker 1: at doing something, then you're more likely to have a
23:47
Speaker 1: legitimate reason for why you didn't do it that time.
23:50
Speaker 1: And that's not you making an excuse. That's you stating
23:53
Speaker 1: the reason and you're not going to beat yourself up
23:55
Speaker 1: about it because you are consistent most of the time. Okay,
23:59
Speaker 1: So to go through a few points now, I don't
24:02
Speaker 1: know how many, maybe eight nine, eight maybe on how
24:05
Speaker 1: to stop making excuses. Number one, identify the disempowering nature
24:11
Speaker 1: of excuses. Realize that you take away all your power
24:17
Speaker 1: and you lie to yourself, You make false justifications, which
24:21
Speaker 1: leads you to get used to this passive way of life.
24:23
Speaker 1: And then it gets it's it's uncomfortable and boring but
24:27
Speaker 1: easy to live this passive way of life, and then
24:29
Speaker 1: it gets harder and harder to take that power back.
24:31
Speaker 1: But I want you to take the power back by
24:35
Speaker 1: calling it what it is. Do I want to do this?
24:39
Speaker 1: I am am I avoiding this? Is it I can't
24:42
Speaker 1: do it? Or is it that I won't do it?
24:44
Speaker 1: It's I don't have time or it's not a big
24:47
Speaker 1: enough priority for me to make the time in my
24:49
Speaker 1: busy schedule. Really identified and take the power back, take
24:53
Speaker 1: ownership as to why you're not doing it. And it's
24:56
Speaker 1: fine to identify. You know what, the reason I didn't
24:58
Speaker 1: get up to day, it's not because of all these
24:59
Speaker 1: external circles stances, is because I just can not be
25:04
Speaker 1: fucked to get up out of bed. Okay, So then
25:07
Speaker 1: if you can identify that the reason you didn't get
25:09
Speaker 1: out of bed is because you can't be fucked, then
25:11
Speaker 1: go listen to my other motivation fucking podcast episodes. But
25:15
Speaker 1: you can then start doing things that are going to
25:17
Speaker 1: help you get that momentum to get out of bed
25:19
Speaker 1: in the morning. You can start getting your outfit ready,
25:22
Speaker 1: You can do a lot of things the night prior
25:24
Speaker 1: to prime yourself to get up at that time. You
25:26
Speaker 1: can set in a lump further away. If you can
25:27
Speaker 1: identify the real reason why you did or did not
25:31
Speaker 1: do something, then it's a lot easier to assist yourself
25:35
Speaker 1: to make it happen the next time. But if you
25:37
Speaker 1: make all of these excuses to why it didn't happen,
25:39
Speaker 1: you're never going to change your behavior. You're never going
25:41
Speaker 1: to change that pattern ever. Okay, number two, ask yourself
26:03
Speaker 1: what is the real underlying reason behind this? Just pretty
26:06
Speaker 1: much what I said in point number one, But then
26:08
Speaker 1: identify the pattern. You might be like, oh sorry, I'm
26:12
Speaker 1: late to work again. But if you're late to work
26:14
Speaker 1: every day, there's a fucking pattern that is you, that
26:19
Speaker 1: is on you, okay, Because they're people that are always
26:22
Speaker 1: a little bit early to something, okay always, and then
26:24
Speaker 1: when they're a little bit late, people are like, oh yeah,
26:26
Speaker 1: no worries, you're late. Like fair enough, you're genuinely running late.
26:29
Speaker 1: People like you, you hold your word to people. People
26:33
Speaker 1: believe you, and they genuinely understand when you're late. Whereas
26:37
Speaker 1: I've got friends that I met up with who are
26:39
Speaker 1: late every time. I'm talking every fucking time. They're late
26:42
Speaker 1: every fucking time, and they're like, oh, sorry this happened,
26:45
Speaker 1: or sorry that happened. I don't like it is what
26:47
Speaker 1: it is. I'm not gonna get angry, Like it is
26:49
Speaker 1: what it is. I've been late many times, Like we all,
26:51
Speaker 1: it's fine. But if you're late every single time, then
26:54
Speaker 1: your excuses mean shit because people know that that's just
26:59
Speaker 1: not life. How life is. There's no way that there's
27:02
Speaker 1: some circumstance out of your control one hundred percent of
27:06
Speaker 1: the time every time you're going to leave your home.
27:08
Speaker 1: That's ridiculous. You just have a shitty way of organizing
27:12
Speaker 1: yourself when you leave the house, and that's something you
27:14
Speaker 1: have control over. You just have poor time management in
27:17
Speaker 1: the morning. That is something you have control over. Watch
27:19
Speaker 1: yourself be on time. If you had this crazy job
27:23
Speaker 1: interview with this one opportunity that you have to have,
27:26
Speaker 1: watch yourself be on time. So it's bullshit that you're
27:29
Speaker 1: late every day and it was due to something out
27:33
Speaker 1: of your control. Okay, it's it's in your control, but
27:37
Speaker 1: you didn't do something prior to make sure that you would,
27:40
Speaker 1: that you would manage yourself better. Number three assign value. Okay,
27:44
Speaker 1: So it's not easy to do something in the moment
27:47
Speaker 1: because the value of not doing it or not doing
27:51
Speaker 1: something once doesn't seem that big. It's not that scary.
27:53
Speaker 1: You look at it as like a drop in the ocean.
27:55
Speaker 1: You diminish the value of something in your head to
27:59
Speaker 1: make it feel less, to make you feel less bad
28:02
Speaker 1: about not doing something. Okay, Oh, it's just one day
28:04
Speaker 1: that I've skipped training. It's just one day that I
28:07
Speaker 1: skipped that meditation. It's just one fucking time. Okay. So
28:10
Speaker 1: you make it smaller in your head, right, So you
28:13
Speaker 1: need to ask yourself what am I swapping here? And
28:17
Speaker 1: is the payoff fair? So if you're sleeping in instead
28:21
Speaker 1: of getting up and exercising, but you already slept your
28:24
Speaker 1: full eight hours, then the trade off is poor. You're
28:28
Speaker 1: trading exercising to feel great for the rest of the
28:31
Speaker 1: day and how your body's going to feel for more
28:33
Speaker 1: sleep that you don't need. So the trade off is poor.
28:36
Speaker 1: The value trade off is shit. You've sold yourself short. Okay, However,
28:41
Speaker 1: save for whatever reason, you were not able to go
28:43
Speaker 1: to bed until two am, your alarm is set to
28:46
Speaker 1: train for six and you know that with limited sleep
28:49
Speaker 1: you can't get shit done. You've got a big day
28:50
Speaker 1: at work, then it might be a valuable payoff for
28:53
Speaker 1: you to skip training today. You might know I need
28:57
Speaker 1: this extra hour of sleep because I didn't sleep all
28:59
Speaker 1: night long, so this is genuinely important to me, and
29:02
Speaker 1: then maybe I can, you know, make it up this afternoon,
29:06
Speaker 1: or if I don't, it's okay, because it's not like
29:07
Speaker 1: I always miss out on sleep. It was just a
29:09
Speaker 1: one off. So that might be a valuable trade off
29:11
Speaker 1: for you. Because I'm all for fucking sleep, so I
29:13
Speaker 1: don't want to tell people not to sleep to go
29:14
Speaker 1: on exercise. Sleep is important. But I'm saying, you know,
29:17
Speaker 1: you've got to pay attention to where you are assigning
29:20
Speaker 1: value and is it an actual fair exchange as to
29:25
Speaker 1: why you're not doing something so you can do something instead?
29:28
Speaker 1: You're not going to do this thing so you can
29:29
Speaker 1: sit down and watch television. That's probably a terrible trade,
29:33
Speaker 1: but ask yourself, is the value that I'm assigning legitimate? Okay?
29:38
Speaker 1: Because you might think, oh, it's just one meditation, But
29:41
Speaker 1: if you make it so easy to miss one meditation,
29:43
Speaker 1: then you drop the value of that meditation, and then
29:46
Speaker 1: you don't meditate all week, and then you don't meditate
29:49
Speaker 1: all month because it was so easy to turn down
29:51
Speaker 1: that meditation. Every single day is individual turndowns. You're not
29:54
Speaker 1: looking at it as oh, I'm not going to meditate
29:56
Speaker 1: for the next thirty days, but that's what ends up happening.
29:59
Speaker 1: You actually end up doing that. And the beauty of
30:01
Speaker 1: it is the more you assign value and the more
30:03
Speaker 1: consistent you are, then when you don't do it because
30:06
Speaker 1: you can't do it, you don't feel bad about it
30:09
Speaker 1: because you have a reason. You don't have an excuse,
30:12
Speaker 1: You have a reason for why you didn't do it.
30:13
Speaker 1: So the zero guilt Okay number four, if you if
30:18
Speaker 1: you can't do something, try and do a fraction of it,
30:22
Speaker 1: because sometimes momentum is all you need and if the
30:25
Speaker 1: momentum doesn't work at that time, at least you did something.
30:29
Speaker 1: So make it so basic and so easy that the
30:32
Speaker 1: opportunity to continue doing it is there. So for example,
30:36
Speaker 1: if you say, oh, I'm not going to work towards
30:38
Speaker 1: this essay today, like the thought if it's daunting, I'm
30:41
Speaker 1: just too tired. Step one. Acknowledge that you're making the
30:44
Speaker 1: excuse and putting it off. Then say to yourself, what
30:47
Speaker 1: if I just find two references? For example, for this essay,
30:52
Speaker 1: just two references, and I'm going to sell myself a
30:54
Speaker 1: fifteen minute timer. So before I curl into bed with
30:57
Speaker 1: my fucking Jarreff Natella and a boon watching Netflix, why
31:01
Speaker 1: don't I just said a fifteen minute timer to find
31:04
Speaker 1: two references. That's all I'm gonna do. Okay. You just
31:07
Speaker 1: make it so basic, and then before you know it,
31:10
Speaker 1: you're deeply entrenching this thing. You found the two references.
31:13
Speaker 1: You might even said another fifteen minute time because you're like,
31:16
Speaker 1: I'm on the zone, in the zone, and if you don't,
31:18
Speaker 1: you're like, well, at least I did something. I've chipped
31:21
Speaker 1: away and done something. Okay. Make it so easy that
31:25
Speaker 1: you can't turn around and say no, okay, because if
31:29
Speaker 1: you just say, I'm doing a fifteen minute time, but
31:31
Speaker 1: what's your excuse? Now, keep breaking down the task until
31:34
Speaker 1: there's no excuse for you not to do it. Okay.
31:38
Speaker 1: It's often easier to keep going. You know, it's this idea.
31:41
Speaker 1: If I can't be fuck cleaning the kitchen tonight, so
31:44
Speaker 1: I'll do it in the morning. Bye. Why don't you say, Okay,
31:46
Speaker 1: I'm not going to clean the whole kitchen, but i'll
31:47
Speaker 1: empty one drawer of the dishwasher. And then when you're
31:49
Speaker 1: empty one drawer, you're more likely to just empty the
31:52
Speaker 1: whole fucking dishwasher. And then once you've done that, you
31:53
Speaker 1: might as well just reload the thing. But if you don't,
31:56
Speaker 1: at least you emptied the dishwasher. You still did that
31:59
Speaker 1: one tiny thing that took about a minute that you
32:02
Speaker 1: said you weren't going to do. Apply this to cleaning,
32:05
Speaker 1: to studying, to exercising, meditating, planning for something. You can
32:09
Speaker 1: do this to anything. Okay. Number five. If you feel
32:13
Speaker 1: out of control and that your life is not going
32:16
Speaker 1: where you want it to go, you probably find that
32:18
Speaker 1: you make excuses all the time. Okay, So when you
32:23
Speaker 1: tip the scales to take responsibility and own what is
32:26
Speaker 1: in your control, your life's going to start to feel
32:28
Speaker 1: more on track. So I want you to start identifying
32:32
Speaker 1: what is actually in your control, because, like I said earlier,
32:35
Speaker 1: it's actually empowering identifying well, I could have done it,
32:38
Speaker 1: but I didn't because I didn't want to. It's actually
32:41
Speaker 1: as much as it's annoying, it's actually like, but I
32:45
Speaker 1: have the power to if I really wanted to, or
32:48
Speaker 1: if it was valuable enough to me, I could do it.
32:51
Speaker 1: It's not like I desperately want to do something but
32:53
Speaker 1: I physically cannot, because that would be sad. But in
32:58
Speaker 1: most cases that's not the case. And you don't have
33:02
Speaker 1: to do everything perfectly. You don't have to win it everything.
33:05
Speaker 1: But you're going to start to realize that way more
33:08
Speaker 1: is in your control in your life, and that the
33:10
Speaker 1: things that are actually not in your control bother you
33:14
Speaker 1: a whole lot less because you understand that there's nothing
33:17
Speaker 1: you could have done about it. Stop telling yourself the
33:20
Speaker 1: lie that you can't do this stuff when in reality
33:23
Speaker 1: you can, because you're setting yourself up to feel completely disempowered. Okay,
33:29
Speaker 1: take the power back. That is step five. Take the
33:32
Speaker 1: power back and acknowledge what you actually physically can do
33:38
Speaker 1: and what you actually physically cannot do. And it is
33:41
Speaker 1: very exciting to look back and say, all these things
33:43
Speaker 1: that I haven't done I could do, I actually could
33:45
Speaker 1: have done, and all those excuses were bullshit? So what
33:49
Speaker 1: am I going to do about it? Now? That's where
33:51
Speaker 1: I want you to get to. It's very empowering. As
33:53
Speaker 1: frustrating as it is, it's empowering. Number six. Remind yourself
33:57
Speaker 1: of contrast. This to me helps me take action on things,
34:01
Speaker 1: and it helps me change my mindset towards how I
34:03
Speaker 1: approach a task. Okay, it's like it makes you feel
34:08
Speaker 1: more grateful, for example. So I like to think, like,
34:12
Speaker 1: sometimes when I'm really stressed about my job and when
34:13
Speaker 1: I've got a lot of stuff on with the podcast,
34:15
Speaker 1: with writing or whatever, I like to remind myself remember
34:18
Speaker 1: when you wished that this would be your career. Well,
34:21
Speaker 1: sometimes when I go grocery shopping and I've got to
34:23
Speaker 1: buy a lot of stuff, I like to remind myself
34:26
Speaker 1: and like, and I've got to fuck around with all
34:27
Speaker 1: this shit, and you know it's time consuming and I
34:30
Speaker 1: don't want to do it. I remind myself, remember when
34:34
Speaker 1: I just had enough money in my bank account that
34:36
Speaker 1: I'd have to be transferring a couple like five dollars
34:39
Speaker 1: from a sub account to this account just so I
34:40
Speaker 1: could buy myself the basics of groceries. Okay, So now
34:44
Speaker 1: i can shop a little bit more peacefully, and I've
34:47
Speaker 1: got more money that I don't have to be freaking
34:48
Speaker 1: out switching money from sub accounts. So then i approach
34:52
Speaker 1: grocery shopping differently because I'm like, oh well, instead of
34:54
Speaker 1: this being a stressful experience like it used to be,
34:57
Speaker 1: I'm a lot calmer Now. I just don't want to
34:58
Speaker 1: do it because it's going to take a while, but
35:00
Speaker 1: it's a lot more of a calmer experience. Always remind
35:02
Speaker 1: yourself of the contrast. Or remember when you were starting
35:04
Speaker 1: your degree, you would kill to be in your final year. Now.
35:07
Speaker 1: Sometimes I'd be looking at in my last semester, and
35:10
Speaker 1: then when i'd get to that point of like, oh
35:12
Speaker 1: my god, it's overwhelming, I'd say, look at where you are.
35:15
Speaker 1: Look at how much you've done and how little you've
35:17
Speaker 1: got left to do. You imagine if you were starting
35:19
Speaker 1: semester one in your undergrad like, look at everything you've
35:22
Speaker 1: already ticked off, you know. So that's another really good
35:25
Speaker 1: way of reminding yourself of the contrast. You can do
35:27
Speaker 1: this with anything, whether it's a job, whether it's material things,
35:30
Speaker 1: whether it's your health, your mental health, possessions, a state
35:34
Speaker 1: of mind, more space in your home, a skill. There's
35:38
Speaker 1: always something something that you can look back on, or
35:41
Speaker 1: a relationship, a healthy relationship. There's always something you can
35:44
Speaker 1: look back on and say, remember when I only ever
35:47
Speaker 1: dreamed of this, I created that, and I am grateful
35:51
Speaker 1: when you put your When you put yourself in a
35:53
Speaker 1: position of gratitude, it's a whole lot easier to stay
35:57
Speaker 1: on that path and continue to take action, small daily
36:00
Speaker 1: actions when you feel grateful, okay, But when you're in
36:03
Speaker 1: a position of this is fucked, this sucks odd, I
36:06
Speaker 1: can't be bothered. D da dah lah, then it's harder
36:08
Speaker 1: to take that action because your mood is different, you
36:10
Speaker 1: feel heavier, okay. Number seven. Own your past failures and
36:15
Speaker 1: ask yourself, were those excuses genuinely the reason why things
36:20
Speaker 1: didn't go well? If you are always saying that all
36:24
Speaker 1: your exes are fucked and you don't understand why you're
36:27
Speaker 1: always dating assholes, you're always dating mean people, ask yourself,
36:30
Speaker 1: is this truly bad luck because that's a possibility, or
36:34
Speaker 1: are there any behaviors that I can wake up to
36:37
Speaker 1: myself and own? Because if you can start to own something,
36:40
Speaker 1: you can change something, but if you don't take ownership,
36:43
Speaker 1: you cannot change it because it's not in your control. Okay,
36:46
Speaker 1: and you're gonna feel like a hostage to your situation,
36:51
Speaker 1: whatever that situation might be until you take ownership. Now,
36:54
Speaker 1: of course, there's a possibility that you just are fucking
36:57
Speaker 1: unlucky in love and you've just dated assholes. Sometimes it's
37:00
Speaker 1: good to just look back and be like, was there
37:02
Speaker 1: something I could have done differently? And if the answer
37:04
Speaker 1: is no, then again that's quite refreshing because you're like, well,
37:06
Speaker 1: I know for a fact, I can sleep busy at
37:08
Speaker 1: like knowing I'm a good person. So I feel a
37:10
Speaker 1: bit calmer about that because it wasn't in my control.
37:12
Speaker 1: But sometimes often we can look back being like, Okay,
37:17
Speaker 1: maybe I didn't do anything, but also maybe I'm just
37:19
Speaker 1: attracted to people that I can see the red flags
37:22
Speaker 1: at the beginning, and I ignore the red flags and
37:24
Speaker 1: keep dating them. Or I can see that initially they
37:28
Speaker 1: were clearly showing me that I was not a priority,
37:31
Speaker 1: but I stuck it out and stuck it at until
37:32
Speaker 1: they agreed to date me. You know, there's a lot
37:34
Speaker 1: of things that we might be able to identify if
37:37
Speaker 1: we see it in a pattern, and then we realize
37:39
Speaker 1: that that's where we are accountable. You know, in future,
37:43
Speaker 1: I'll be better at looking out for red flags because
37:45
Speaker 1: I've experienced so many of them in the past, instead
37:46
Speaker 1: of ignoring them. Again, If you compete against someone and
37:50
Speaker 1: they do better, do you say, oh, the ref was shit,
37:54
Speaker 1: or my equipment wasn't working for me, or the other
37:56
Speaker 1: team had an advantage. All these things might be true.
38:00
Speaker 1: That might be the case sometimes, But is there something
38:04
Speaker 1: you can tell, you know, you can own about your performance?
38:07
Speaker 1: Was there a weakness in your performance where the competitors
38:10
Speaker 1: were just stronger than you that you can identify, Because
38:13
Speaker 1: if you can identify that, then a lesson can be learned.
38:16
Speaker 1: If you can't identify it, then how are you going
38:19
Speaker 1: to improve your own performance in the future. Is it
38:22
Speaker 1: the coach that's shit that just doesn't like you, or
38:27
Speaker 1: is there something you can do differently? Are all your
38:29
Speaker 1: jobs that fucking horrible? Or is there something you can own?
38:33
Speaker 1: And like I said, this is not just a rhetoric,
38:35
Speaker 1: like this is a genuine question. Sometimes there are situations
38:38
Speaker 1: where it's fucked, But a lot of the time, a
38:42
Speaker 1: lot of the reasons why you didn't get something or
38:44
Speaker 1: missed out on something. Is because the other competitor was
38:47
Speaker 1: just better that day. Okay, they're not a better person,
38:51
Speaker 1: but they were better at the job. Often the teams
38:54
Speaker 1: that win are better teams. They didn't get there by luck.
38:58
Speaker 1: Do you think the shittest team in the World Cup
39:00
Speaker 1: winning the World Cup? No, it's not how it works.
39:02
Speaker 1: Do you think the shittest tennis player is winning. Imagine
39:04
Speaker 1: if if every time you lost a tennis match, you're like, oh, well,
39:07
Speaker 1: these are all the reasons why I lost. No, why
39:10
Speaker 1: is it that the best are at the top most
39:12
Speaker 1: of the time Because they're consistent and they're good. Okay,
39:14
Speaker 1: So you can learn something from your competitor and be like, wow,
39:17
Speaker 1: they're a lot better at me than that. They're fucking
39:20
Speaker 1: better at doing that than me. They're better bang bang
39:22
Speaker 1: bang bing bang. Learn from your competitors, or be sour
39:26
Speaker 1: and sit in the corner and make excuses as to
39:28
Speaker 1: why it was jibbed. Number eight factor in the unknown.
39:32
Speaker 1: This is why consistency is so important. It's so you
39:35
Speaker 1: have a twenty fifteen, twenty percent leeway for the things
39:39
Speaker 1: that are actually unforeseen and not in your control. That's
39:42
Speaker 1: when the excuse is a reason for why you didn't
39:46
Speaker 1: do something, and not a cover up for an underlying reason.
39:49
Speaker 1: The train actually didn't come and the lines were down
39:53
Speaker 1: and I had to get a bus, and that is
39:54
Speaker 1: why I'm late. And you can trust me because ninety
39:58
Speaker 1: percent of the time I'm punctual. The more consistent you
40:01
Speaker 1: are with your behaviors, the easier it is to allow
40:05
Speaker 1: for the unknown to occur. You can factor these things
40:10
Speaker 1: in and it's not going to absolutely destroy you if
40:13
Speaker 1: you say. This is what annoys me when people say, oh,
40:17
Speaker 1: I was I was planning on dedicating my Saturday to
40:20
Speaker 1: doing all this shit, like they unrealistically make the biggest
40:24
Speaker 1: workload to do everything on the Saturday, Like I was
40:26
Speaker 1: going to tidy up the whole home and clean the
40:27
Speaker 1: wardrobe and blah blah blah. I was gonna do it
40:29
Speaker 1: on Saturday. But then so and so called me and
40:32
Speaker 1: asked me to help them with them, and so I
40:33
Speaker 1: couldn't fuck off. If you were consistent with your behaviors
40:37
Speaker 1: and you did something day in, day out, day and
40:38
Speaker 1: day out, and then one day you couldn't do it,
40:40
Speaker 1: it'd be fine and your home wouldn't look like a
40:42
Speaker 1: bomb went off. The problem is that you bunch everything
40:45
Speaker 1: to one day for your future self to do so
40:47
Speaker 1: you don't have to think about it, and then you
40:49
Speaker 1: create an excuse of why on that one day when
40:52
Speaker 1: you wanted to do something, Oh, something came up and
40:54
Speaker 1: then you couldn't do it. Wake up to yourself, because
40:57
Speaker 1: only you can wake up to yourself. No one can
41:00
Speaker 1: for you, and only you are the one that ends
41:01
Speaker 1: up suffering. If you say, oh, I do want to
41:05
Speaker 1: I really do want to launch my own podcast. I
41:07
Speaker 1: was gonna do it, you know, on the on the
41:08
Speaker 1: third Sunday, off the fucking blue moon and whatever, but
41:12
Speaker 1: then I got I got sick. Well, if you had
41:16
Speaker 1: actually dedicated five minutes of brainstorming every single day instead
41:20
Speaker 1: of dedicating this one full day somewhere in the future
41:22
Speaker 1: to doing it, you'd be well on your way to
41:24
Speaker 1: having your podcast, instead of thinking that it's this one
41:27
Speaker 1: big event, one big day where you make it all happen.
41:30
Speaker 1: That's the kind of people that make those excuses are
41:32
Speaker 1: the people that end up like watching life pass them
41:36
Speaker 1: by and not taking action on the big things. The
41:38
Speaker 1: people that end up where they want to be are
41:39
Speaker 1: the ones that do the monotonous, mundane shit day in
41:43
Speaker 1: day out. It's not that glamorous, but that's what got
41:47
Speaker 1: them to where they are. It's that consistency and the
41:51
Speaker 1: p and alongside the consistency, it's the people that have
41:54
Speaker 1: all also factored in for the unknown. They know that
41:58
Speaker 1: things can come up. So because they know that things
42:00
Speaker 1: that can come up, they're going to be consistent whenever possible.
42:04
Speaker 1: If you don't factor in the unknown, then you are
42:06
Speaker 1: gonna bunch everything for that one day, and then something
42:08
Speaker 1: probably is gonna come up that one day, and then
42:11
Speaker 1: you've got all the excuses in the world. Okay, last
42:13
Speaker 1: one number nine. When the reason is legit, the guilt disappears. Okay,
42:20
Speaker 1: So if you have put off a shitty reason, you're
42:23
Speaker 1: probably gonna feel this feeling inside of being like, oh,
42:25
Speaker 1: it's not really a genuine reason as to why I'm
42:27
Speaker 1: not doing something. It's more like an excuse. But if
42:29
Speaker 1: it's genuine, there's no way you can feel guilty about it,
42:32
Speaker 1: because it's just the reality of the situation. There's no resistance.
42:37
Speaker 1: So much of our guilt is because we know deep
42:39
Speaker 1: down that we let ourselves down, and then you beat
42:43
Speaker 1: up on yourself about it, and you choose to avoid
42:45
Speaker 1: discomfort in the short term, thinking that it's going to
42:48
Speaker 1: feel good, which in turn knows you know that it's
42:50
Speaker 1: going to give you discomfort in the long term. When
42:53
Speaker 1: you have a real reason for not doing something, you
42:56
Speaker 1: don't feel bad because you know it was not in
42:58
Speaker 1: your control. You don't have this destruct self talk. You
43:01
Speaker 1: don't beat down on yourself. It is what it is.
43:04
Speaker 1: I can guarantee you that there's no way you're sitting
43:06
Speaker 1: there beating up on yourself because you physically were not
43:09
Speaker 1: able to do something because of factors that were not
43:12
Speaker 1: in your control. I can guarantee you that you only
43:14
Speaker 1: do it when you know you could have done something differently.
43:16
Speaker 1: That's the only time that guilt creeps in when you
43:20
Speaker 1: know better. Okay, pay attention to yourself. Listen to yourself,
43:24
Speaker 1: ask yourself the hard questions. Really wake up to yourself.
43:27
Speaker 1: Where can I take ownership? Where can I learn from
43:29
Speaker 1: my competitors? What feeling am I trying to replace here?
43:34
Speaker 1: Ask yourself all those hard questions, and you're going to
43:37
Speaker 1: see some changes in your behavior, even if it's in
43:39
Speaker 1: the smallest behaviors. Every single day, you will notice some changes,
43:43
Speaker 1: and you're going to be better at not making excuses.
43:47
Speaker 1: Try the next time you're late, try and just be
43:51
Speaker 1: straight up. My time management is a joke. That's why
43:55
Speaker 1: I'm late. It's a fucking joke. It's not because all
43:59
Speaker 1: these excuses that I'm used to whipping out of my
44:00
Speaker 1: ass at a moment's notice because I'm so good at it,
44:03
Speaker 1: but it's because I need to fix something in my
44:05
Speaker 1: behavior that I haven't yet fixed. All right, guys, thank
44:08
Speaker 1: you so much for listening to today's episode. Hopefully this
44:11
Speaker 1: is helpful. Hopefully it helps you take control off your
44:15
Speaker 1: life and take some serious action to you know, make
44:18
Speaker 1: shit happen in your life. Guys, I love you so much.
44:20
Speaker 1: Thank you so much for sharing the podcast, sharing it
44:23
Speaker 1: with your family and friends, and as always, remember be
44:27
Speaker 1: kind to yourself, be kind to your brain, don't text
44:29
Speaker 1: shit from anyone, and especially don't text shit from yourself.
44:32
Speaker 1: Dunker