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Transcript

Happy Hour #150: The Feminist Is Coming To Town · Stuff Mom Never Told You

• 0:05
  Speaker 1: Hey, this is Annie and Samantha, and welcome to Stef.
• 0:07
  Speaker 2: I never told your production of iHeartRadio, and welcome to
• 0:20
  Speaker 2: another edition of Happy Hour. As always with these, if
• 0:24
  Speaker 2: you are drinking whatever you're choosing to do so, please
• 0:26
  Speaker 2: do so responsibly. Samantha, what are you sipping on?
• 0:30
  Speaker 3: I am actually sipping on a soju cocktail that I
• 0:34
  Speaker 3: just made. Ooh milky because I added the Korean yogurts
• 0:40
  Speaker 3: or the Asian yogurts. If you ever go to like
• 0:42
  Speaker 3: a legitimate Korean restaurant or anything, that'll usually have like
• 0:45
  Speaker 3: a small probiotic yogurt drink. Okay, so I mixed that
• 0:50
  Speaker 3: with some strawberry sodrew and some gingerrell.
• 0:53
  Speaker 2: That sounds lovely. Is you refreshing? Yes, it's very refreshing.
• 0:57
  Speaker 1: What are you drinking?
• 1:00
  Speaker 2: I am drinking a one of the wines my mom
• 1:04
  Speaker 2: got me lovely and there's a funny story behind this one.
• 1:09
  Speaker 2: So as always, I don't think we're gonna talk about anything,
• 1:12
  Speaker 2: uh sponsored, but but nothing we mentioned is currently sponsored.
• 1:15
  Speaker 2: That's not why we're mentioning it.
• 1:17
  Speaker 1: I would love to be sponsored by some sojio people.
• 1:19
  Speaker 2: Hey, get in touch again, probably email or text is better.
• 1:25
  Speaker 2: What are you talking about my Okay? So my mom
• 1:29
  Speaker 2: gives me wines from the local area pretty much every holiday,
• 1:34
  Speaker 2: and this time when I came home, this particular wine
• 1:37
  Speaker 2: I had never had. I've had a lot of them.
• 1:41
  Speaker 2: She was telling me that she got it because she
• 1:44
  Speaker 2: struck up a conversation with a fellow at the bar
• 1:48
  Speaker 2: who was doing a tasting and they really hit it off,
• 1:52
  Speaker 2: and he was like, you should get this one, and
• 1:54
  Speaker 2: she kind of joking it was like I should have
• 1:56
  Speaker 2: gotten his.
• 1:56
  Speaker 3: Number, okay, spicy, which was the first.
• 2:01
  Speaker 2: Time I've ever heard her joke about that, Like in
• 2:03
  Speaker 2: my whole life, it's amazing. Yeah, but she wanted me
• 2:07
  Speaker 2: to let her know if it was any good, and
• 2:10
  Speaker 2: it is quite good.
• 2:10
  Speaker 1: She should find this man's number.
• 2:13
  Speaker 2: It was very funny. I was not expecting it at all.
• 2:18
  Speaker 2: And then she was telling me about some movies she
• 2:20
  Speaker 2: watched that had a bunch of older women dating and
• 2:23
  Speaker 2: she was like, you know, if I could find a
• 2:25
  Speaker 2: guy like that.
• 2:27
  Speaker 1: Wait, not The Golden Bachelor.
• 2:29
  Speaker 2: No, it wasn't.
• 2:30
  Speaker 3: Okay, it was not the gold If she watches I
• 2:34
  Speaker 3: tell hers all a.
• 2:35
  Speaker 2: Lie, that was definitely not her thing. I would be
• 2:38
  Speaker 2: beyond shocked. If I found out as well, would be interesting.
• 2:43
  Speaker 2: It would be interesting. This is true. Anyway, I think
• 2:50
  Speaker 2: this will be a shorter episode. I'm not sure, but
• 2:53
  Speaker 2: it is related to the holidays because the title of
• 2:56
  Speaker 2: this episode, I'm calling the Feminist is coming to Town
• 3:00
  Speaker 2: because we both come from conservative various small towns. As
• 3:07
  Speaker 2: we've talked about a lot, and I think it's kind
• 3:09
  Speaker 2: of a joke, like when I come to town, my
• 3:13
  Speaker 2: mom's friends who are conservative will be like, oh, mannie,
• 3:16
  Speaker 2: she tell her this, or tell her this, like there
• 3:18
  Speaker 2: was kind of like joking and trying to row me up,
• 3:21
  Speaker 2: which we talked about. That kind of happened to me
• 3:23
  Speaker 2: this last Thanksgiving with one of the guests there who
• 3:25
  Speaker 2: kept directing comments towards me, which were not They weren't
• 3:30
  Speaker 2: like upsetting, but they were kind of rude. So it's
• 3:36
  Speaker 2: just kind of something I've grown used to. But since
• 3:41
  Speaker 2: the book has come out and my family did read it.
• 3:46
  Speaker 2: Your entire family, no, like my immediate family. I don't
• 3:50
  Speaker 2: think my little brother did, but my older brother.
• 3:53
  Speaker 1: My mom O, your older brother read it.
• 3:56
  Speaker 2: Yeah, and my older brother's chiance. Yes. You understand the
• 3:59
  Speaker 2: important of this so much.
• 4:01
  Speaker 1: We need to talk about yes.
• 4:03
  Speaker 2: So first a very brief explanation of why this is
• 4:07
  Speaker 2: kind of a big interesting deal. My brothers are intense.
• 4:13
  Speaker 2: They're extremely passionate about politics, and one many of the
• 4:21
  Speaker 2: biggest fights we've had, even though we're liberal, we're all liberal,
• 4:26
  Speaker 2: is that I am not liberal enough. They get really
• 4:29
  Speaker 2: angry at me. I say this in a way not
• 4:31
  Speaker 2: to incite any anger, but they are very much Bernie Bros.
• 4:34
  Speaker 2: Like that kind of energy, and they get angry and
• 4:39
  Speaker 2: they scream in your face, and I'm not good at
• 4:42
  Speaker 2: Oh my whole family is not good with anger, So
• 4:45
  Speaker 2: I don't want to like, that's not a good way
• 4:47
  Speaker 2: to handle things. But I've also been known to not
• 4:50
  Speaker 2: be good at handling anger, so I don't want to
• 4:52
  Speaker 2: totally throw them under the bus. They are not listening,
• 4:55
  Speaker 2: but if you are, I understand. I've done it too.
• 4:57
  Speaker 2: But it's not like I avoid it at all costs.
• 5:00
  Speaker 2: Even though we're generally on the same side. We just
• 5:05
  Speaker 2: don't do well with it. So they read this book.
• 5:10
  Speaker 2: My brother's fiance is also kind of in his She's
• 5:15
  Speaker 2: younger than him, she younger than me, but she's also
• 5:19
  Speaker 2: kind of like in that realm, and I just it
• 5:22
  Speaker 2: was a very interesting vibe because all of a sudden
• 5:26
  Speaker 2: it became like everything they said they would question me about,
• 5:32
  Speaker 2: and not necessarily in a bad way. Like sometimes it
• 5:35
  Speaker 2: would be like, oh, well, you are the feminist, what
• 5:39
  Speaker 2: do you think about this? Are Oh, I don't understand
• 5:43
  Speaker 2: how you can like this if you are feminists. Like
• 5:45
  Speaker 2: everything was like and it just kind of became comical
• 5:51
  Speaker 2: in a way. I appreciated it, but I was also
• 5:53
  Speaker 2: annoyed by it because one, this has been my job
• 5:57
  Speaker 2: for a long time. It's not like we talk about
• 5:59
  Speaker 2: our personal lives that much. We don't really have that relationship.
• 6:03
  Speaker 2: But I have been doing this for a pretty long time.
• 6:06
  Speaker 2: I generally can tell you what you're up to. But
• 6:10
  Speaker 2: this seemed to be news to them. But also it
• 6:17
  Speaker 2: was just sort of funny because I think this is
• 6:20
  Speaker 2: why we've talked about this so many times. But I
• 6:22
  Speaker 2: think this is why sometimes and me when I was younger,
• 6:26
  Speaker 2: you feel like you're a bad feminist, because they'd be like, well,
• 6:29
  Speaker 2: you like this movie, And it didn't come out accusing necessarily,
• 6:33
  Speaker 2: they were just sort of like perplexed. Yeah, And I
• 6:38
  Speaker 2: kind of wanted to go into a whole thing about
• 6:40
  Speaker 2: you know, if I didn't like anything that wasn't perfectly feminist,
• 6:43
  Speaker 2: which I don't think exists, then I'll live in a
• 6:46
  Speaker 2: dark space for the rest of my life, I guess.
• 6:50
  Speaker 2: But it was just I didn't do that because I
• 6:53
  Speaker 2: knew I was going to get on some soapbox and
• 6:56
  Speaker 2: this is not what I needed. That's not what I needed.
• 6:57
  Speaker 2: I don't think that's what necessarily anybody wants. But it
• 7:01
  Speaker 2: was just funny because I caught myself then after all
• 7:04
  Speaker 2: these questions, being like, well, I really like this movie,
• 7:06
  Speaker 2: but you know, it's got this issue and this issue,
• 7:09
  Speaker 2: like you know, always trying to explain, which isn't necessarily bad.
• 7:13
  Speaker 2: But it was just a very The dynamic totally had
• 7:16
  Speaker 2: shifted from the time before they read that book to
• 7:21
  Speaker 2: the time after they read that book. And I feel
• 7:24
  Speaker 2: like my brother's fiance was trying very hard to be
• 7:27
  Speaker 2: very supportive, which I appreciated, but it also made me
• 7:30
  Speaker 2: nervous because she'd be like, oh, I believe her because
• 7:32
  Speaker 2: she's she's feminist, and I was like, oh no, wait,
• 7:36
  Speaker 2: just because wait, because you know, like yes, I feel
• 7:44
  Speaker 2: like we were talking about alien specifically, and I was like,
• 7:48
  Speaker 2: you know, there's plenty of things I like and I
• 7:51
  Speaker 2: have femis takes on but that doesn't mean I don't
• 7:54
  Speaker 2: have like the like not opposite, but like I don't
• 7:57
  Speaker 2: have critiques on it or like. It's more that I
• 7:59
  Speaker 2: have takes that are somewhat personal that do have research
• 8:03
  Speaker 2: involved usually and I do think that there's value to
• 8:07
  Speaker 2: what I was saying in that case. But it's also like,
• 8:11
  Speaker 2: don't going. I don't need this extra pressure for you
• 8:18
  Speaker 2: to just watch a movie. If you want to watch it,
• 8:20
  Speaker 2: watch it and I can tell you why, what thoughts
• 8:23
  Speaker 2: I have about it?
• 8:24
  Speaker 1: Right, But.
• 8:26
  Speaker 3: I could understand though, like they're a little bit like
• 8:29
  Speaker 3: a fear of like offending you and or trying to
• 8:32
  Speaker 3: make sure that they know that they want you to know. No,
• 8:35
  Speaker 3: I'm feminist, I'm with you, I'm not that guy, I'm
• 8:38
  Speaker 3: not Ken.
• 8:39
  Speaker 1: I'm not Ken. I had an interesting.
• 8:51
  Speaker 3: Reaction where so my family completely ignores it and we
• 8:56
  Speaker 3: don't act like it exists. They will make side jokes
• 8:58
  Speaker 3: every now and again, but essentially like because they don't
• 9:02
  Speaker 3: quite they don't know the depth. They assume that I'm
• 9:06
  Speaker 3: as Satan worshiping feminists who sacrifices babies. But like we
• 9:12
  Speaker 3: have gotten to the point of understanding, we're not gonna
• 9:14
  Speaker 3: talk about it. We're not gonna talk about politics. You
• 9:17
  Speaker 3: talk about your religion because that's your beliefs, and I'm
• 9:19
  Speaker 3: just gonna sit here and not say anything. Like right,
• 9:22
  Speaker 3: But like my partner's family, who are all pretty much
• 9:25
  Speaker 3: very liberal or some of them, like I think his
• 9:29
  Speaker 3: father's like more recently so and like, so we're all
• 9:33
  Speaker 3: on the same page that Mike. So we had someone
• 9:36
  Speaker 3: that was a family member who came in and he's
• 9:38
  Speaker 3: still very conservative from what I gathered, and yet everybody
• 9:43
  Speaker 3: was on edge that he was gonna say something that
• 9:45
  Speaker 3: was gonna offend me or something to me that was
• 9:48
  Speaker 3: gonna offend me.
• 9:49
  Speaker 1: So they were all like.
• 9:50
  Speaker 3: Oh god, oh God, my god, what's he gonna do,
• 9:52
  Speaker 3: what's he gonna do, And just like just waiting with
• 9:54
  Speaker 3: baited breath and like're gonna take up for me immediately.
• 9:57
  Speaker 1: They were gonna defend me in every way.
• 9:59
  Speaker 3: It was very It was very sweet, but they were
• 10:02
  Speaker 3: so like even my partner was like, what did he
• 10:04
  Speaker 3: say to you? Did he say something? Well, I didn't hear.
• 10:07
  Speaker 3: And then his mom would be like, what did he
• 10:09
  Speaker 3: say to you? Did he say something? That offended.
• 10:11
  Speaker 1: You please tell me and I'm like, no, what I promise,
• 10:13
  Speaker 1: And he.
• 10:13
  Speaker 3: Was very very cautious in the conversation because it literally,
• 10:17
  Speaker 3: my partner has been amazing when I like us in
• 10:20
  Speaker 3: our book and very proud of our book and telling
• 10:22
  Speaker 3: everybody about it, very proud, proud of what I do.
• 10:25
  Speaker 3: His family's the same way. They're very proud and like
• 10:28
  Speaker 3: tell people about it. So sweet, support it, support me.
• 10:30
  Speaker 3: Immediately bought the book. I believe she gifted her sister
• 10:33
  Speaker 3: the book like it was very sweet. Yeah, so like
• 10:36
  Speaker 3: all of those things, but my book was sitting there,
• 10:39
  Speaker 3: and at one point I was asked by this family,
• 10:42
  Speaker 3: remember what do you do? And I'm like explaining, Okay,
• 10:45
  Speaker 3: here we go. I'm on a podcast. I do women's
• 10:48
  Speaker 3: issues because I like, I just very I'm sorry, coded
• 10:52
  Speaker 3: like but not want to bring in all the questions
• 10:55
  Speaker 3: from this and trying to like just ease it. I'm like,
• 10:58
  Speaker 3: just you know, like, uh, because it's say intersectional feminist
• 11:02
  Speaker 3: will be a conversation in itself, I know it because
• 11:05
  Speaker 3: the first I'm gonna have to explain what that is.
• 11:08
  Speaker 3: So at this point, the holiday, so I'm just leaving
• 11:11
  Speaker 3: it be, you know, I'm like okay, and then my
• 11:14
  Speaker 3: partner tries to explain little more and he's even proud
• 11:16
  Speaker 3: of like, she wrote a book this year, and he
• 11:18
  Speaker 3: was like, whoa what trying to explain that we're not
• 11:21
  Speaker 3: and there's nothing wrong with this, but that this is
• 11:23
  Speaker 3: actually our job and not just like we wanted to
• 11:25
  Speaker 3: start a podcast type of thing. So he was like,
• 11:29
  Speaker 3: she wrote a book, and he was like, well really,
• 11:31
  Speaker 3: and he handed it to him and so the family
• 11:35
  Speaker 3: member looked through it. So I was kind of looking
• 11:37
  Speaker 3: through it and he's like everybody kind of does his
• 11:39
  Speaker 3: own do their own thing.
• 11:40
  Speaker 1: But my partner came later to me was like, did
• 11:42
  Speaker 1: you watch him read the book?
• 11:43
  Speaker 3: And I was like yep, and he let there and
• 11:46
  Speaker 3: you could sell. He was like mulling it over. He
• 11:49
  Speaker 3: gently closes it and gently puts it down after about
• 11:52
  Speaker 3: four minutes and doesn't pick it back up and doesn't
• 11:56
  Speaker 3: ask me a question, doesn't say a word. So of
• 12:00
  Speaker 3: course I'm also Asian, so they were also scared that
• 12:03
  Speaker 3: he was going to say something racist and he didn't.
• 12:06
  Speaker 3: He uh, some of the microaggression stuff that will always exist,
• 12:10
  Speaker 3: especially if I go to small town Georgia that will
• 12:14
  Speaker 3: be common. You know, that's sure, him trying to tell me,
• 12:18
  Speaker 3: you know, solidarity stories, Yeah, make me, trying to make
• 12:22
  Speaker 3: me feel comfortable, I guess type of thing. But like
• 12:25
  Speaker 3: everything went well and he's a fantastic person. He actually
• 12:28
  Speaker 3: lives towards where your mom lives. More funny would that
• 12:33
  Speaker 3: be because half the conversation there at the it was
• 12:37
  Speaker 3: talking about the wineries that he loves and that we
• 12:40
  Speaker 3: have to come out there.
• 12:41
  Speaker 1: To go to the wineries with him.
• 12:42
  Speaker 2: Oh no, how funny?
• 12:44
  Speaker 1: Would that be a movie that would be Oh my god,
• 12:48
  Speaker 1: now this is hilarious.
• 12:49
  Speaker 3: I don't think she could handle it, because again, he's
• 12:51
  Speaker 3: conservative and kind of work but quite funny, my head is.
• 12:57
  Speaker 1: But yeah, this is the family member.
• 12:59
  Speaker 3: So but yeah, I had that felt where the entire family,
• 13:02
  Speaker 3: his entire family was trying to watch to make sure
• 13:05
  Speaker 3: that I was okay and comfortable, which was so sweet,
• 13:08
  Speaker 3: and also that they didn't need to cover and be
• 13:11
  Speaker 3: like hey, sh.
• 13:13
  Speaker 1: Damn right.
• 13:15
  Speaker 2: Yeah, that's kind of what happened with the thing I
• 13:21
  Speaker 2: mentioned that happened at Thanksgiving. It's a family member of
• 13:25
  Speaker 2: my brother's fiance, and he would just turn to me
• 13:29
  Speaker 2: and he would like I said it wasn't anything like
• 13:31
  Speaker 2: but it'd be like, but I think women liked doing
• 13:33
  Speaker 2: the cooking, you know, but he wouldn't addressed it to
• 13:35
  Speaker 2: me and she but she was very aware, and I
• 13:38
  Speaker 2: could tell she was on edge and like, there was
• 13:41
  Speaker 2: a part of me that feels bad about this, but
• 13:44
  Speaker 2: I was like, I'm used to this, Like I think
• 13:46
  Speaker 2: a lot of guys are used to this, right, and
• 13:49
  Speaker 2: so I, you know, I didn't really think too much
• 13:52
  Speaker 2: of it. And then afterwards she was so apologetic and
• 13:54
  Speaker 2: she's like, oh my gosh, thank you so much for
• 13:55
  Speaker 2: putting up with him and all this stuff. And I
• 13:57
  Speaker 2: had a moment of like, you know, you just kind
• 13:59
  Speaker 2: of expect that sometimes, but I appreciate it, Like, right,
• 14:03
  Speaker 2: that's nice. But it was. And she's very now that
• 14:10
  Speaker 2: she's read the book, which, to be clear, I don't
• 14:12
  Speaker 2: know if they I think there's like two chapters I
• 14:14
  Speaker 2: know they both read. I don't know if they read
• 14:16
  Speaker 2: the whole thing, but I know which at least two
• 14:18
  Speaker 2: chapters they read. But now she is very open about stuff,
• 14:22
  Speaker 2: which is great. But it's kind of funny because I'm like, WHOA,
• 14:25
  Speaker 2: our relationship has taken a flip that I was not
• 14:28
  Speaker 2: participating it, like you know when somebody like it's an
• 14:31
  Speaker 2: interesting thing when you're in a public space, right and
• 14:34
  Speaker 2: you we love hearing from you listeners, and we love
• 14:36
  Speaker 2: hearing from people about it, but you don't have like
• 14:40
  Speaker 2: the other side, like we don't necessarily know you or
• 14:43
  Speaker 2: your life, and so like I know her, but it
• 14:46
  Speaker 2: went from like, oh we know each other too. She's
• 14:49
  Speaker 2: telling me like pretty pretty important things, which wasn't bad.
• 14:54
  Speaker 2: It was just it was a very jarring experience for me,
• 14:57
  Speaker 2: not in a bad way, but I think I'm have
• 15:00
  Speaker 2: to adjust. If this is what it's going to be,
• 15:03
  Speaker 2: I'm gonna have to get.
• 15:05
  Speaker 1: To it became a whole different thing.
• 15:09
  Speaker 2: It was it was, and I it was This is
• 15:15
  Speaker 2: gonna sound kind of strange, but I bet some of
• 15:17
  Speaker 2: you can relate. I grew up really idolizing my older brother,
• 15:24
  Speaker 2: like really looking up to him. I thought he was
• 15:27
  Speaker 2: so smart, like just and he was too cool to
• 15:32
  Speaker 2: hang out with me, of course, like he would never
• 15:33
  Speaker 2: want to hang out with me, which kind of made
• 15:35
  Speaker 2: it even more alluring, like, oh, he's too good for me,
• 15:38
  Speaker 2: and we did. We had a pretty bad couple years
• 15:42
  Speaker 2: in our relationship, and we're sort of recovering from that.
• 15:45
  Speaker 2: But I've never given up on that idea that I
• 15:47
  Speaker 2: always thought he was really smart, and so I guess
• 15:50
  Speaker 2: a part of me assumed on some level, what am
• 15:56
  Speaker 2: I going to teach him, like, you know, like not
• 16:00
  Speaker 2: that I I've had arguments with him where I've definitely
• 16:02
  Speaker 2: been like, oh I disagree with you. Yeah, But like
• 16:07
  Speaker 2: it was, it was very strange for me where he
• 16:12
  Speaker 2: kept saying things like I'm trying to get better, Like
• 16:17
  Speaker 2: I realized I didn't understand this or I didn't understand that,
• 16:21
  Speaker 2: and a part of it it was like maybe he's
• 16:23
  Speaker 2: just you know, yeah, a little afraid of offending me
• 16:26
  Speaker 2: or something. But a part of it was like, wow,
• 16:28
  Speaker 2: I've always just assumed he knew that stuff. It was
• 16:33
  Speaker 2: I have a lot to think about about this.
• 16:37
  Speaker 1: You learned some things, better figure out something.
• 16:40
  Speaker 2: It was an interesting holiday. It was an interesting holiday,
• 16:47
  Speaker 2: the feminists coming to town. Uh. But I would love
• 16:52
  Speaker 2: to hear from listeners if you've had experience like this.
• 16:55
  Speaker 2: Cheers to you, Cheer Samantha, Cheers all of you who
• 17:00
  Speaker 2: are listening. And yeah, if you would like to contact us,
• 17:04
  Speaker 2: you can you can email us a stepanti mom stuff
• 17:07
  Speaker 2: at iheartmed dot com. You can find us on Twitter
• 17:09
  Speaker 2: at mom Stuff podcast, or on Instagram and TikTok at
• 17:11
  Speaker 2: Stuff I've Never told you. We have a tea public store,
• 17:14
  Speaker 2: and yes we do have a book. Thanks as always
• 17:16
  Speaker 2: to our super producer Christina, our executive producer Maya, and
• 17:19
  Speaker 2: our contributor Joey. Thank you, and thanks to you for
• 17:22
  Speaker 2: listening Stuff I Never Told You. Use Friction by heart Radio.
• 17:24
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