Latest / Women at Work: Career, Leadership & Modern Work / How the Leadership Double Bind Punishes Women
Transcript
- Lucas: Let me start with a story. Last year, a friend of mine — she's a VP of product at a mid-sized tech company — ran a quarterly review meeting. She was direct, data-heavy, pushed back on a couple of unrealistic timelines. After the meeting, her boss pulled her aside and said, 'You know, you come across a bit aggressive. Maybe smile more.' Luna: Oof. That's the classic double bind. And I bet if she'd been softer, she'd have been told she wasn't assertive enough. Lucas: Exactly. And that's the leadership double bind in a nutshell: women leaders are judged as too harsh when they're assertive, and too weak when they're warm. There's no sweet spot. Luna: It's exhausting. And there's actual data on this. I remember a 2024 Harvard Business School study — they analyzed performance reviews across a Fortune 500 company and found that women who displayed assertive behavior got 35% more negative feedback than men with identical behavior. Lucas: Thirty-five percent more. That's not a small gap. And the feedback itself was telling — men who were assertive were called 'passionate' or 'confident.' Women were called 'abrasive' or 'emotional.' Same behavior, different labels. Luna: Right. And it's not just in performance reviews. Think about public perception. When a male CEO makes a tough call, he's decisive. When a female CEO does it, she's cold. Lucas: Take the example of a former CEO of a major tech company — she was consistently described in the press as 'robotic' and 'calculating' while her male predecessor was called 'visionary' for similar strategic moves. That's the double bind. Luna: So what can women actually do about it? I mean, besides feeling stuck. Lucas: One strategy from the research is to 'warm up' your assertiveness. So you lead with data or a shared goal, then state your position. For example, instead of 'That timeline is unrealistic,' you say, 'To hit our quality targets, I think we need to adjust the timeline.' Luna: That's smart — it frames it as a team concern, not a personal attack. But it still puts the burden on women to manage perception. Lucas: It does. And that's why structural change matters more. Companies need to train managers to recognize this bias in real time. Some organizations now use 'bias interrupters' — like having a third person in performance calibration meetings to flag gendered language. Luna: Yeah, I've seen that work. A nonprofit I consult with started recording feedback sessions and then reviewing them for bias. They found that women were told to 'be more confident' twice as often as men, even when their performance was identical. Lucas: That's a great example. And it's not just about feedback — it's also about sponsorship. When a senior leader actively advocates for a woman, it can buffer her against the double bind. Her assertiveness is seen as 'backed' rather than 'out of line.' Luna: Speaking of support — I want to say something about this show. If today's conversation was useful to you, maybe it helped you name something you've experienced, or gave you a way to talk about it — that's exactly why we do this. And the way these stay ad-free is listener support. Lucas: Yeah, it's a small thing that makes a big difference. If you have a few bucks, you can buy us a coffee at buy me a coffee dot com slash fexingo. Keeps the lights on and keeps the episodes free for everyone. Luna: Exactly. And now back to the double bind — because there's another layer I want to dig into. Lucas: Which is? Luna: The intersection with race. Research shows that Black women leaders face a compounded double bind — they're stereotyped as 'angry' when assertive, and invisible when warm. Lucas: That's a critical point. A 2023 study from LeanIn.org found that Black women are 40% more likely than white women to have their judgment questioned in leadership roles. So the same behavior gets punished harder. Luna: Right. So the strategies have to be intersectional. For example, some Black women leaders I've talked to use code-switching — adjusting their communication style depending on the audience — but that's mentally taxing. Lucas: It is. And it shouldn't be on them to solve. So what can allies do? Luna: One thing is to publicly call out the double bind when you see it. If a woman makes a strong point in a meeting and someone dismisses her as 'aggressive,' you say, 'Actually, I found that point really direct and helpful. Can we explore it?' Lucas: That reframes the behavior as valuable. Another is to be mindful of the language you use in feedback. Instead of saying 'You need to be more confident,' say 'Your data was solid. Let's work on projecting that authority.' Luna: Yes. And also, organizations should look at their promotion criteria. If 'assertiveness' is coded as a male trait, then women get dinged for not having it, or dinged for having it. The criteria themselves might need a rethink. Lucas: Let's talk about that. Some companies have moved to competency-based assessments — where you evaluate specific skills, not personality traits. That can reduce the double bind because it's less about 'how you come across' and more about 'what you delivered.' Luna: And it also helps with the 'likeability trap' — that idea that women have to be liked to be effective. Competency assessments focus on outcomes. Lucas: Right. But even then, studies show that women's outcomes are judged more harshly. A 2022 McKinsey report found that women leaders' teams outperform on metrics like innovation and employee engagement, but women are still less likely to be promoted. Luna: So it's not just the behavior — it's the interpretation of results. That's the double bind at a systemic level. Lucas: Exactly. And one more thing: the double bind doesn't just hurt women — it hurts organizations. When women self-censor or dial back their assertiveness, the company loses their perspective. Diverse teams make better decisions, but only if everyone feels safe to speak up. Luna: So it's a business case too. Which is why we need to keep talking about it. Lucas: Absolutely. And I think the first step is just naming it. When you know it's a double bind, you can start to see it — and then you can push back. Luna: Or at least you can laugh about it with a colleague who gets it. Lucas: True. That helps too.