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Unscripted Love: How To Make Better Repair Statements · Trauma Free Relationship

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Repairs are at the heart of healthy relationships.
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When ruptures occur, those couples that have a secure
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attachment style have an advantage over those that have
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an insecure attachment style or a history of unrepaired ruptures
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that we might even call trauma. So how do couples that have an
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anxious or avoidant coping style learn to make better repairs?
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I thought in this episode I would list as many different
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types of repair statements as possible and for anxious as well
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as avoid attachment style so that they can learn.
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What do. What do repair statements look
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like? What do they sound like?
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How do we know a good versus a bad repair statement?
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And what I find often times with a lot of my couples is they
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struggle in being able to make good repair statements.
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So in this episode we're going to go through, I think there are
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about 12 anxious repair statements and about 13 I think
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I came up with avoidant repair statements and we're going to
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talk through each one of these. So that's what this episode is
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about, Unscripted love, how to make good repair statements.
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Let's get started. Welcome to Trauma Free
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Relationship, a podcast that provides support and guidance to
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help heal the wounds of attachment trauma.
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Whether you find yourself struggling with unresolved
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issues in the past or have experienced trauma in your
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current relationship, our goal is to provide accurate,
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scientifically informed information as well as the tools
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to help you create a secure connection between you and your
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partner. And here is your host, Tom
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Phillip. OK.
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What we're talking about today is good repair statements,
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repair statements that if you're anxious attachment style or
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avoidant attachment style, really let your partner know
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you're making attempt to repair ruptures.
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So what I'm going to do is go through and I'm going to list
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about 12 repair statements that if you fall into the Anxious
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Repair Anxious Attachment category, then these are for
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you. Now a couple of things have to
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happen for a good repair statement if you are anxiously
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attached. First of all, you can't come in
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aggressive because that's what what shows up to your partner
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when you're feeling insecure anyway.
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Is this sort of aggressiveness, this a push for connection?
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Sometimes it comes across as critical or or demeaning or
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demanding and that usually shuts your partner down.
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So when you come to make repair statement, it's really important
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to not get aggressive, which means that you need to go low
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and slow. So you need to come in more
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soft, more vulnerable, drop your voice a little bit, slow things
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down so that your partner can really hear these statements
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best from you. So I'm going to go through and
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I'm going to list some of these, I'm, I may jump off and and
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comment on a few of them as well.
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But as I go through and list them, you can take what you like
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out of these statements and mix and match them that you don't
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have to say these verbatim. So I may start with something
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and you like the way I start, but another statement may add
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more of something that applies better to you.
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You can mix and match these at will.
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So please feel free to do that. So we're going to start right
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now. The first one is, I'm sorry I
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got angry, but I get really anxious when I feel disconnected
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from you. I'm sorry I pushed for more
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connection. I know that when I do that, it
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causes you to shut down. I'm sorry I blamed you for what
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happened. I don't think that you were
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trying to sabotage this relationship, but I get scared
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when I perceive too much distance between us.
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So those first three there notice how I start.
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Those I start with an apology, and it doesn't mean that I am
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taking blame for the entire interaction or the whole rupture
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of what happened. But I am taking ownership for my
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part in that I'm sorry I got angry.
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I'm sorry I pushed for too much connection.
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I'm sorry I blamed you for what happened.
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So I'm taking ownership of how I might have shown up in in that
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rupture and how I showed up in those moments when I was feeling
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anxious and stressed. So it's always OK to start out
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with an apology again. You're not apologizing for
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everything that happened, but you're apologizing for the way
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you could have handled things better.
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Here's another one. I didn't like the way we left
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things. Can we start over?
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I like this one because it's almost it's almost like pushing
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the the the easy button and saying let's let's start this
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over. Let I don't like the way this
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ended. Can we can we kick off again.
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So that sort of tells your partner and signals to your
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partner that hey there were some things that were said or things
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that came out that I didn't like the way they were handled and
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what I'd really like to do is is launch this again.
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So another one is I get scared when you pull away because it
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triggers my abandonment fears. So here's one that's going a
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little bit deeper, not just saying how you can be reactive.
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In moments like when I feel disconnected, I get really
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anxious and I push for more connection, which I know causes
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you to shut down. But here you're going a little
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bit deeper and you're letting your partner know, hey, I get
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triggered and I get hit in this place where my abandonment fears
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come up. And when that happens, I know I
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can get super anxious and I can tend to really want to solve or
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fix this thing immediately, which tends to cause you to shut
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down. So here's another one.
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I'm sorry I got angry, but when you shut down, I feel like this
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whole relationship is up to me to make it work.
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So again you're you're going a little bit deeper into what's
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happening inside of you making this repair statement and
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letting your partner know that man, I go to this place that's
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really heavy and really hard because it feels like sometimes
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that if this relationships going to work it's all up to me.
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Here's another one, when I get scared, it often comes across as
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angry and blaming and I know that makes you want to shut
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down. So here you're taking
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responsibility for the way you show up during those ruptures
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and letting your partner know. I can see that this is what you
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see. I see this happening to me as
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well. Here's another one.
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When I get anxious, I so badly want to be reassured that things
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will be OK, that I often come across as too aggressive.
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Again, a great repair statement is being able to recognize and
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validate what your partner may be seeing on the outside and
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letting them know Part of what's happening is you're responding
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to what's happening on the inside to you and letting your
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partner know that. Here's another one.
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I understand that my anxious thoughts are getting the better
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of me right now. OK, here's a great here and now
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repair statement. So this isn't coming back to
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make a repair. Here's a statement that you can
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say on the spot, OK, I get how my anxious thoughts are showing
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up right now and they might be causing you to shut down.
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And I can see I can see this happening to me as we're as
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we're communicating in this very moment.
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And I think that's a great statement, repair statement,
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because in some ways it is like a third eye on the relationship.
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You're reflecting on what's happening as it's happening and
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making the implicit explicit. So instead of getting caught up
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and who says what to whom and in what order, you're actually able
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to reflect, hey, I can almost stand outside myself and reflect
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what's happening in this process right here and right now.
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And in some ways what you're saying is that let's slow this
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down, let's let's slow this down, Let's let's not escalate
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this too much because I can see right now my anxious thoughts
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are are really ramping up and getting the better of me.
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All right, here's another one. I realize I'm feeling insecure
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and need some reassurance. Again, that's a great here and
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now statement because you're telling your partner this is
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what's happening with me in this moment, and here's what I need
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from you. Here's another 1-2 more.
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I know I can jump to conclusions and I want to apologize if I
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reacted poorly. So here's a great comment that
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you could tell your partner that allows them to be able to
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understand what's happening internally with you and you're
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taking responsibility for how you responded.
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And here's the last one for the anxious repair person, anxiously
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attached person, excuse me, the anxious repair statement.
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I know I can sometimes misinterpret things and I'm
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working to to and I'm working hard to improve my
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communication. So here you're letting your
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partner know that, hey, I know I can do this and I see that.
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I see that I do this. And as a result, I'm also
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working on it because a lot of times our partners don't realize
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how much we're trying because they don't see internally what's
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happening to us. They don't see that, Oh well, I
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shut myself down and I didn't make that comment or I was going
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to say something here, but I decided not to.
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They don't ever see the times we don't do something.
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They only see from the outside the times that we do, do.
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And so I see a lot of couples sometimes that say, gosh, I'm
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working so hard and their partner looks kind of confused
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and puzzled, like, really, I don't, I don't know that you are
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working all that hard. And and what they have to
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communicate is, yeah. But when you said this, I didn't
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say this and I didn't respond this way or last time when I got
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triggered, I was able to go off and soothe myself.
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And you didn't know that because I didn't blow up like I normally
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do. So being able to communicate
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what's happening internally to our partner is a great way to
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let them know how hard we're working on this relationship as
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well. All right.
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So those are the anxious statements.
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Again, I think it's really important that when you come to
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your partner or in those moments, because there were a
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few statements that were actually happening reflecting
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what happens in, in the escalation, in the interaction
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with your partner in the here and now, that you're really
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being able to sort of calm things down, go slow and low,
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drop your voice, slow your speech down, because that's
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going to make your avoidant partner really be able to show
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up more for you in those times when you make those repair
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statements. All right.
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So now let's talk about the avoidant repair statements.
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And what's going to be really important for the avoidant
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person is to show up emotionally and stay engaged because what
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the avoidant partner wants to do is they want to shut themselves
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down. They want to move away.
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This is what their body has learned to keep them safe from
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their past trauma. And so they're going to want to
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remove themselves from their emotions, or they're going to
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want to remove themself, emotionally or physically from
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the relationship and stop that rupture from happening.
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So being able to stay engaged and responsive emotionally is
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the challenge for the avoidant partner.
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All right, here's some of these statements.
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I'm sorry I shut down. I get overwhelmed and have a
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hard time knowing what to say. Here's another one.
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I'm sorry I can't stay more engaged.
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Sometimes I feel blank inside and I'm afraid of saying the
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wrong thing. And another I'm sorry I shut
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down. Sometimes I don't know what to
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say for fear of making our argument worse.
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And another one, I'm sorry I pulled away.
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I realize you are looking for reassurance in those moments, so
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here's several, including one more I'll add.
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I'm sorry I explode with anger when I get pushed to a point.
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I can't stop the fighting. I can lose my head.
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So here's several I'm sorry statements.
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And again, just like with the anxiously attached person, what
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you're doing is you're just acknowledging how you show up on
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the outside. You're acknowledging what
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happens to you and you're just taking responsibility for those
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moments where maybe you actually perpetuate the cycles further by
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the way you cope and respond when you get triggered.
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So I'm sorry. Statements are are always a
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great repair statement to make to to come in out of the gate
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with, and in this particular case, with the avoidant repairs.
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You're also letting your partner know entirely what's happening
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with you. In lowest times I have a hard
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time knowing what to say. I feel blank inside and I'm
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afraid I'm going to make things worse.
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I shut down for or or I pull away and I know you need
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reinsurance, but I in those moments I I just get
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overwhelmed. So you're letting your partner
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know a little bit deeper what's going on inside of you.
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Here's some more. When we start arguing, I need us
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to take things slower so I don't get overwhelmed.
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Now this is a good one because you're actually telling your
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partner what you need in those times when you get overwhelmed
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when things are moving too fast. It's really helpful to you if
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they can slow some things down so you don't get overwhelmed and
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then want to shut down emotionally.
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Here's another one. It's important for me to know
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that you don't see me as this horrible person that never gets
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it right or that does all these things wrong.
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During those times when you give me, can you give me some
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positive reassurance? So this is definitely a deeper
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statement, repair statement because here you're letting your
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know your partner know I go to a dark place sometimes and and I I
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feel like I'm just constantly getting it wrong.
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And when I feel like I'm constantly getting it wrong,
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that is really hard for me to be able to sit with a rupture and
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sit and be emotionally available to you.
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And it would be really helpful if I could get some reassurance
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in those moments. Here's another one.
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When you criticize me, I go to a place where I feel like a
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failure, and that's when I begin to shut down.
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So again, a deeper statement. Here's a here's a harder, darker
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place I go to that happens inside of me when when we start
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to have ruptures in our relationship.
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And another one, when I get triggered, I know I shut down
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emotionally. I do that to protect myself.
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I also know that it triggers your fears and often leaves you
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feeling alone in this relationship.
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So that one is good because it it's not only telling your
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partner what happens to you, but it's letting them know that
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you're also aware of the impact you're having on them at those
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times. Let's go to another one.
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When I shut down, I often feel incompetent, like I can't fix
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it, I can't make it better, which makes me actually feel
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worse. So here's a good one.
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You're telling your partner that, hey, it's frustrating for
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me that I can't make things better for you, that I can't
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comfort you and soothe you in these places.
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And that's really hard for me to sit with.
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And sometimes I shut down because I feel even worse, that
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I can't make you feel better. So let's do another one.
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It's hard for me to see that you want connection when you look so
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angry. I'll try to remember in the
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future that you were just frustrated and need me to stay
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emotionally available to you now.
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I like that one because in part what you're doing is you're
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telling your partner, hey, I know some of what you need and
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I'm committed to working on this and it's it's a lot of
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validation for your partner as well.
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And another one, I know I tend to go to my head and try to fix
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things, but that is where I feel safest when we start arguing.
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So here you're letting your partner know that this is what
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keeps me safe, and I know it causes a problem.
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But it's important that you know this is where I go to out of
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safety. Not because I don't love you
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want to hear you. Not because your feelings aren't
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important to me, but because I've just learned over time this
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is where I need to go when I feel safe.
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And the last one for the avoidant repair statements is I
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know I can be too cognitive and that you need more empathy and
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validation. I'll try to work on that so that
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you feel more heard and more understood.
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So here the avoidant person is acknowledging that, look, I know
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I can go to my head and I and I leave my heart and I and I
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remove things at the emotion out of what's happening with us in
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that moment. And I'm going to try to work on
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that better. I'm going to try to stay in my
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heart more, in my feelings more, because I know that's part of
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what you need. So here are some repair
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statements today that I want you to feel free to to, to take to
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mix and match. We've got some that are that you
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can say in the moment. We've got some that if a rupture
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happens you can come back after cooling down for a few minutes
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and to your partner and begin to make repair statements that way.
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But feel go through these again. You can play this back and feel
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your way into boy what sounds like me, what what can I add,
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what can I mix and match here that could be good repair
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statements for me to use with my partner that are applicable to
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my situation. So as always, thank you so much
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for listening. Please feel free to reach out
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anytime. Let me know what you like, what
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we can do better here, what you'd like to hear more of.
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And as always, thank you for listening until we talk to you
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next time. Bye, bye.
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Thank. You for listening to Trauma Free
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Relationship, a podcast for the healing of attachment trauma.
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You can find us on Facebook, Instagram, or
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ourwebsite@traumafreerelationship.com. Be sure to look for our next
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