Latest / Talking FACS / Communicating with Child Care Providers

Transcript

Communicating with Child Care Providers · Talking FACS

• 0:01
  Welcome to Talking FACS.
• 0:03
  What you need to know about family food,
• 0:05
  finance and fitness.
• 0:07
  This nationally recognized award winning podcast is hosted by the University of Kentucky Family and Consumer Sciences Extension Program.
• 0:16
  Our educators share research knowledge with individuals,
• 0:19
  families and communities to improve quality of life.
• 0:24
  Hello and welcome to Talking FACS.
• 0:26
  This is your host,
• 0:27
  Doctor Jennifer Hunter,
• 0:28
  assistant Director for Family Consumer Sciences Extension at the University of Kentucky.
• 0:33
  Today.
• 0:34
  I'm pleased to be joined by Doctor David Weisenhorn Extension Specialist for parenting and child development.
• 0:40
  Welcome David.
• 0:40
  Thank you so much for having me.
• 0:42
  Ok.
• 0:42
  So today David,
• 0:44
  you are gonna help parents of little ones navigate difficult conversations.
• 0:48
  Our actual topic is talking with childcare providers and,
• 0:53
  um,
• 0:53
  just before we started recording,
• 0:55
  I said,
• 0:55
  oh,
• 0:55
  David,
• 0:56
  I'm so glad that my kids are out of the daycare setting because I remember how this,
• 1:01
  this was hard that because you know,
• 1:04
  when your Children are little that they can't necessarily explain everything that happens in their day and you're trying to piece things together and you don't know when to be happy or when to be upset or when to reach out or when not to reach out or,
• 1:17
  um,
• 1:18
  so today you're gonna give us some tips on talking with child care providers.
• 1:22
  I am.
• 1:23
  And it's,
• 1:23
  you know,
• 1:24
  it's so much of the things that I've learned,
• 1:26
  it's learned through experience.
• 1:28
  And,
• 1:28
  uh,
• 1:28
  you're right that when my Children were in daycare,
• 1:32
  it was a tough try.
• 1:35
  My daughter,
• 1:36
  my first child,
• 1:37
  which is a daughter.
• 1:38
  Right.
• 1:38
  So I've got that star in my eye.
• 1:41
  She's the apple in my eye.
• 1:43
  She's the one right?
• 1:44
  That,
• 1:44
  that,
• 1:44
  that created the clouds and stars and all of it,
• 1:47
  right?
• 1:47
  The the world was revolving around my two year old and I took her to daycare and picked her up and she looked like she,
• 1:55
  somebody thought she was an apple because they had about 15 bite marks all over her when she came home.
• 2:01
  And so of course,
• 2:01
  you know,
• 2:02
  dad was enraged and how dare anybody be biting my daughter.
• 2:06
  And so a lot of what I want to share today has come not from the,
• 2:10
  the the initial understanding.
• 2:12
  Actually,
• 2:13
  it comes from a lot of my mistakes and how I handled that.
• 2:16
  But I do think it's valuable because I have heard a few other people have mentioned some of the difficulties of how to handle some some tough topics with childcare providers.
• 2:26
  And so that we're gonna get into this nature versus nurture kind of conversation.
• 2:30
  And how oftentimes when we see our Children go into a different environment.
• 2:36
  They come home and they might behave a way that maybe is not the same way that we're used to seeing them behave or that we do.
• 2:43
  So perhaps uh my son,
• 2:45
  when he went to child care,
• 2:47
  he came home and he was started hitting me.
• 2:48
  So he started hitting my wife and I and so here I am trying to figure out how to have these conversations.
• 2:54
  And the first tip that I would say that I did not do the first time when my daughter was getting bit,
• 2:58
  but I did when my son was,
• 3:00
  was,
• 3:00
  was,
• 3:00
  was hitting.
• 3:01
  That's right.
• 3:02
  That's right.
• 3:02
  You learn is remain calm,
• 3:04
  right?
• 3:05
  I love those,
• 3:05
  stay calm towels and shirts that you see everywhere because it really is a good reminder that remembering to stay calm when addressing anyone,
• 3:14
  whether that's child or adult is always a good practice because a calm and respectful presence helps others remain calm and it helps others hear your concerns without feeling threatened or attacked uh in allowing that to be kind of this peaceful resolution.
• 3:31
  And David,
• 3:31
  I think it's a,
• 3:32
  I think it's a good point to make that um some of these behaviors that we're talking about if it's biting or hitting or whatever it,
• 3:39
  whatever it may be that these are natural developmental behaviors of young Children.
• 3:45
  So it's not necessarily anything about the specific child care or the child care provider or that they're in an unsafe situation that these are just natural things that occur.
• 3:55
  Any time that you put a group,
• 3:57
  have five or 62 year olds together,
• 3:59
  you're gonna see biting and you're gonna see hitting and it's just learning how to have,
• 4:04
  um,
• 4:04
  the most productive conversations with your child care provider to make certain that your child is safe and developing normally.
• 4:12
  And naturally,
• 4:13
  I'm so glad you put that in there because you're right.
• 4:16
  That is a natural progression and it doesn't reflect poorly on the child,
• 4:20
  right?
• 4:20
  If you've got a two year old who's biting,
• 4:22
  it doesn't mean that two year olds to grow up and be a bully and be mean and terrible and your,
• 4:27
  your child shouldn't be associated with that child.
• 4:30
  But the reality is is that when we feel like our Children are being hurt,
• 4:34
  we've get this real protective thing and so we want to make blame maybe.
• 4:38
  So the the second piece is,
• 4:40
  is don't blame while you might feel like it's another child or the environment that's causing this disruptive behavior.
• 4:47
  Blaming others can create defensive responses.
• 4:50
  So to,
• 4:51
  to go to the child care provider,
• 4:53
  they might not even be aware of the fact that your child disrupted behavior or that they're getting bit or so.
• 4:59
  So blaming could just cause them to feel confused and frustrated and maybe again,
• 5:04
  feel that defensive piece.
• 5:05
  So,
• 5:06
  so don't blame,
• 5:07
  remain calm,
• 5:07
  don't blame.
• 5:08
  And the third is,
• 5:09
  is be specific,
• 5:11
  right?
• 5:11
  Avoid this speaking generally because I think it could lead to confusion.
• 5:15
  So if I went in and said,
• 5:16
  have you been seeing my child have any different,
• 5:18
  different behaviors that might be hard to,
• 5:21
  to,
• 5:22
  for,
• 5:22
  for the childcare provider first,
• 5:24
  to even identify who your child is depending on how long you've been there.
• 5:28
  But then to say,
• 5:29
  I,
• 5:29
  I know,
• 5:29
  I don't know because again,
• 5:30
  we just noted that those behaviors that we,
• 5:33
  that might be different in our home,
• 5:34
  this hitting or binding behavior,
• 5:36
  it's a natural behavior.
• 5:38
  It,
• 5:38
  it's developmental.
• 5:39
  So for instance,
• 5:40
  when my son started hitting his mother and I,
• 5:44
  when frustrated,
• 5:45
  it's not the behavior that we endorse.
• 5:47
  So I was wondering,
• 5:49
  have you witnessed him using those behaviors here?
• 5:52
  So,
• 5:52
  going back to them and being specific,
• 5:54
  like I'm speaking specifically about my son and this hitting behavior that we're seeing at home that I'm curious if you're seeing it here.
• 6:02
  Yeah.
• 6:03
  And I think that that's,
• 6:04
  that,
• 6:04
  that's a great tip that,
• 6:06
  that the childcare provider observes so many behaviors during the day.
• 6:10
  And it is possible that um maybe they're not exhibiting that behavior at school,
• 6:15
  but they're learning from the other kiddos around them at school and then at home,
• 6:20
  um when they're feel more safe or more comfortable or whatever,
• 6:23
  that they might then show some of those behaviors there.
• 6:26
  Yes,
• 6:27
  100%.
• 6:27
  And so they might say no,
• 6:29
  that the response might be.
• 6:31
  No,
• 6:31
  it's not.
• 6:32
  And so regardless that doesn't mean that it stops.
• 6:35
  But you can then,
• 6:37
  ok,
• 6:37
  so now that you've told them,
• 6:38
  now ask for their help,
• 6:40
  will you help,
• 6:41
  teach him not to hit?
• 6:42
  If you see him hit,
• 6:43
  will you remind him that we don't use our hands for hurting or separate him from the source or whatever is causing this frustration?
• 6:50
  And I feel certain that working together you're both benefit.
• 6:53
  So being able to ask for help,
• 6:55
  you know,
• 6:55
  there's a,
• 6:56
  um,
• 6:56
  there's a,
• 6:57
  uh,
• 6:57
  a quote that I keep above my desk and it is a person who feels appreciated will always do more than expected.
• 7:04
  And so when we're asking for help,
• 7:05
  we're showing our appreciation for who they are.
• 7:08
  I've noticed this behavior at home.
• 7:10
  I hope it's not disrupting here.
• 7:11
  I don't want my son hitting anyone here and if he is,
• 7:15
  I want to know about it.
• 7:16
  So can you help me stop this behavior?
• 7:19
  And,
• 7:19
  and that shows kind of this partnership,
• 7:22
  I'll say David in the,
• 7:23
  in the asking for help.
• 7:24
  When our oldest started into a daycare setting,
• 7:28
  he was about 18 months old and he,
• 7:31
  he was fairly verbal.
• 7:32
  He had a good vocabulary for an 18 month old.
• 7:35
  But some of my sweetest memories are,
• 7:37
  um,
• 7:37
  initially after he started daycare one evening at home,
• 7:41
  he,
• 7:42
  I had done something that,
• 7:43
  you know,
• 7:43
  had upset him.
• 7:44
  Maybe I told him it was bath time or something like that and he just looks up at me,
• 7:48
  he puts his little hand out and he said you need to walk away.
• 7:51
  Mommy.
• 7:51
  Um,
• 7:52
  and I knew immediately that that's,
• 7:54
  but that was how they had taught them at school to,
• 7:57
  you know,
• 7:57
  share with a friend that if the friend was bothering them or maybe that they weren't in the mood to play with the trucks or whatever it was as opposed to some of the aggressive behaviors such as hitting or whatever it was to nicely ask your friend to walk away.
• 8:12
  So he did that probably up till he was probably four or five years old.
• 8:15
  Mom.
• 8:15
  Will you please walk away?
• 8:17
  Now,
• 8:17
  um,
• 8:18
  when,
• 8:18
  when I can,
• 8:19
  when I would do something that,
• 8:20
  that,
• 8:20
  you know,
• 8:21
  as a parent was probably encouraging behavior that to,
• 8:24
  you know,
• 8:24
  like I said,
• 8:25
  eat his peas or,
• 8:26
  you know,
• 8:26
  take a bath.
• 8:27
  But it was just,
• 8:28
  will you please walk away?
• 8:29
  But they taught them strategies to express themselves and those were not as a new parent and as a young parent that those are not words that I would have given him to be able to express himself.
• 8:40
  So having the daycare helped you through these situations,
• 8:43
  I think is key.
• 8:44
  It's a great example and you're so right because this is their job,
• 8:48
  right?
• 8:48
  We might be new at parenting.
• 8:49
  And so this will be the first time we're trying to deal with some of this if that's their every day in and out.
• 8:54
  They probably learned quite a few things,
• 8:56
  right.
• 8:56
  They know a lot,
• 8:57
  they know how to handle these behaviors.
• 8:59
  So,
• 8:59
  asking for help.
• 9:00
  That's great.
• 9:01
  That's a great point,
• 9:03
  Jennifer is that this would help you maybe gain some information on how you might be able to help.
• 9:08
  The last thing I'll point out and share with parents about talking with child care providers is to be patient.
• 9:14
  And this is not necessarily being patient with the child care provider,
• 9:18
  but being patient with yourself,
• 9:20
  being patient with your child and change changing behavior takes time in measuring change by absolutes,
• 9:28
  either he hits or he doesn't hit can be unrealistic.
• 9:31
  And oftentimes lead to more frustration because we're focused again on this negative behavior.
• 9:36
  But what we really want is to see the positive but positives often happen in small increments.
• 9:41
  So measuring change using the duration,
• 9:44
  like how long is what we'll use hitting here?
• 9:47
  How long is he hitting intensity?
• 9:50
  Which is to what level is he hit?
• 9:51
  Is he hitting just hammering down or is he just kind of swiping away?
• 9:56
  Is he,
• 9:56
  is he really just kind of waving his arm and it might hit you?
• 9:59
  And then the last one is is frequency.
• 10:01
  How often is this behavior occurring?
• 10:03
  Because when we use duration,
• 10:05
  how long something is intensity at what level in frequency,
• 10:09
  how often we can often we can more realistically measure the progress that we're seeing in a child because rarely do we start and stop a behavior.
• 10:19
  That easy patience,
• 10:22
  David,
• 10:22
  I think is one of those things as parents that can be so hard,
• 10:26
  but always,
• 10:26
  always a great reminder because you are correct that the behavior was not learned overnight and it's not going to be changed overnight that it does take time to see a difference and it just as a parent helps you prepare for all the patients you're gonna over over the next 18 plus years.
• 10:44
  Doctor Wisor,
• 10:45
  thank you so much for joining us today.
• 10:47
  I was so glad to be here.
• 10:48
  Thank you.
• 10:50
  Thank you for listening to Talking FACS.
• 10:52
  We deliver programs focusing on nutrition,
• 10:55
  health,
• 10:56
  resource management,
• 10:57
  family development and civic engagement.
• 11:00
  If you enjoyed today's podcast,
• 11:02
  have a question or a show topic,
• 11:04
  idea.
• 11:04
  Leave a like and a comment on Facebook at UK F CS Ext or send us an email at UK F CS ext at UK Y dot edu.
• 11:17
  Visit us online at F CS dot UK Y dot U to learn more about the University of Kentucky Family and Consumer Sciences Extension program or contact your local extension agent for Family and Consumer Sciences.
• 11:31
  We build strong families,
• 11:32
  we build Kentucky.
• 11:34
  It starts with us.