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Jon Stewart _ The News Team Recap the Endless War in Iran · Mic Drop Comedy

• 0:06
  Speaker 1: And I know people that think that Donald Trump didn't
• 0:09
  Speaker 1: have a plan for the war. But guess what, libtards
• 0:12
  Speaker 1: and military generals? Turns out he did have a plan.
• 0:17
  Speaker 1: It was just very stupid.
• 0:19
  Speaker 2: New reporting reveals an early objective of the war with
• 0:23
  Speaker 2: Iran involved a regime change strategy that would reinstate former
• 0:28
  Speaker 2: Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad as the country's leader.
• 0:33
  Speaker 3: Yes, that Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, the president of Iran from 2005
• 0:38
  Speaker 3: to 2013, the man who strongly supported Iran's nuclear program
• 0:41
  Speaker 3: and more.
• 0:43
  Speaker 1: So the plan to stop Iran from getting nuclear weapons
• 0:46
  Speaker 1: was to install a leader who wanted to get nuclear weapons?
• 0:53
  Speaker 1: I love it. No notes. And if you hate this plan,
• 0:57
  Speaker 1: don't worry. That wasn't the part that didn't work.
• 1:01
  Speaker 2: Ahmadinejad was injured on the war's first day by an
• 1:04
  Speaker 2: Israeli strike at his home in Tehran that had been
• 1:07
  Speaker 2: designed to free him from house arrest.
• 1:14
  Speaker 1: So you're telling me that two entire countries thought the
• 1:17
  Speaker 1: smartest way to free someone from house arrest was to
• 1:21
  Speaker 1: blow up his house? Nobody suggested, I don't know, calling
• 1:27
  Speaker 1: a locksmith, maybe sneaking him out in a laundry bin.
• 1:33
  Speaker 1: What was the thinking here? You can't be under house
• 1:35
  Speaker 1: arrest if you don't have a house.
• 1:39
  Speaker 4: So.
• 1:45
  Speaker 1: Obviously, that plan didn't work. In fact, everything in the
• 1:49
  Speaker 1: war of Iran has been a lot harder than we thought.
• 1:51
  Speaker 1: But this is America. And what do we do when
• 1:54
  Speaker 1: things get hard? Stay with me. We lose interest and
• 1:58
  Speaker 1: move on to other things.
• 2:03
  Speaker 3: Let's move on from the terrifying wars of the future
• 2:06
  Speaker 3: to the terrifying war of the present, where the ceasefire
• 2:09
  Speaker 3: in Iran is starting to get a little less cease
• 2:11
  Speaker 3: and a little more fire.
• 2:12
  Speaker 4: Tehran and the U.S. trading blows now.
• 2:16
  Speaker 5: Iran's downing of an American helicopter prompting a fiery U.S.
• 2:20
  Speaker 4: Response.
• 2:21
  Speaker 3: We're trading blows again?
• 2:23
  Speaker 1: This is not good.
• 2:25
  Speaker 3: By the way, fun fact, trading blows was a setting
• 2:28
  Speaker 3: on Nancy Reagan's d * * * sucking machine. And
• 2:32
  Speaker 3: it was a good one. So what happened exactly?
• 2:36
  Speaker 6: Officials say an Iranian drone brought down a US Apache
• 2:39
  Speaker 6: helicopter patrolling the street.
• 2:41
  Speaker 7: The pilots rescued in a first of its kind operation
• 2:45
  Speaker 7: by an unmanned surface vessel, a drone boat.
• 2:50
  Speaker 3: Sorry, wait a minute. The pilots were hit by a
• 2:53
  Speaker 3: drone and then rescued by another drone? Am I crazy
• 2:59
  Speaker 3: or were we warned about this?
• 3:01
  Speaker 8: The robots are here.
• 3:12
  Speaker 1: You beautiful mystery. You were right.
• 3:15
  Speaker 3: I am sorry I ever doubted you. Delete previous insults.
• 3:20
  Speaker 3: It's crazy that this war is not wrapped up already.
• 3:23
  Speaker 3: What is the president doing that's more important than ending
• 3:25
  Speaker 3: this conflict?
• 3:26
  Speaker 7: The Trump family is promoting this week's UFC fight at
• 3:29
  Speaker 7: the White House by selling gold commemorative coins. The Freedom
• 3:34
  Speaker 7: 250 silver and gold medallions feature Trump's face and are
• 3:38
  Speaker 7: being marketed as a collaboration between the UFC and the
• 3:41
  Speaker 7: Trump Organization.
• 3:43
  Speaker 1: Oh, oh, okay.
• 3:45
  Speaker 3: Ending the war is important, but a collab with UFC?
• 3:47
  Speaker 3: I mean, that doesn't come along every day. The Iran
• 3:53
  Speaker 3: war is almost over. Breaking news from the White House,
• 3:56
  Speaker 3: where President Trump has just called off his threat to
• 3:59
  Speaker 3: bomb Iran tonight.
• 4:01
  Speaker 2: He quote, understands that the Supreme Leader of Iran has
• 4:05
  Speaker 2: approved of a deal to end the war with Iran.
• 4:09
  Speaker 9: With the straight wall officially open, as soon as we sign,
• 4:12
  Speaker 9: which could be soon, very soon, maybe over the weekend,
• 4:16
  Speaker 9: in Europe, I won't be able to be there.
• 4:22
  Speaker 3: Why are you not going to the ceremony you just invented?
• 4:25
  Speaker 3: What could you have going on that's more important than
• 4:28
  Speaker 3: ending a war? Donald Trump will ring in his 80th
• 4:32
  Speaker 3: birthday with a UFC cage match on the White House lawn.
• 4:36
  Speaker 1: Well, yes. No.
• 4:39
  Speaker 5: No, no, no.
• 4:41
  Speaker 3: It makes sense, okay? Because peace in the Middle East
• 4:43
  Speaker 3: is one thing, but a UFC fight is obviously more important,
• 4:47
  Speaker 3: you know? It's like how Franklin Roosevelt missed the end
• 4:50
  Speaker 3: of World War II to be at WrestleMania.
• 4:52
  Speaker 10: Yeah.
• 4:58
  Speaker 3: But regardless of whether Donald Trump is there or not,
• 5:01
  Speaker 3: the U.S.
• 5:02
  Speaker 4: And Iran have reached a deal.
• 5:03
  Speaker 3: Iran says they have not reached any sort of deal. Okay,
• 5:09
  Speaker 3: maybe the war will keep going on for a while.
• 5:11
  Speaker 1: But listen, don't worry.
• 5:12
  Speaker 3: Trump is going to win this war.
• 5:14
  Speaker 4: It's guaranteed.
• 5:15
  Speaker 3: He's up like 29 points.
• 5:20
  Speaker 1: Great news, the Iran war is finished.
• 5:23
  Speaker 11: In the gilded halls of Versailles, President Trump marking the
• 5:28
  Speaker 11: end of the G7 summit by signing a memorandum of
• 5:31
  Speaker 11: understanding with Iran.
• 5:39
  Speaker 1: That was it?
• 5:41
  Speaker 12: That was signing the peace treaty. It felt more like
• 5:44
  Speaker 12: paying the bill after dinner. Did Iran get the jalapeno poppers?
• 5:49
  Speaker 12: Because I didn't have any of the poppers.
• 5:51
  Speaker 1: I shouldn't have to pay for half the poppers.
• 5:54
  Speaker 12: Although I can understand why Trump didn't want a bigger
• 5:57
  Speaker 12: ceremony than this. If you look at the details of
• 5:59
  Speaker 12: this deal, it's not really that great for him.
• 6:02
  Speaker 11: The agreement's most controversial provision, a $ 300 billion framework for
• 6:07
  Speaker 11: the reconstruction of Iran and the return of over $ 100
• 6:10
  Speaker 11: billion in assets that were frozen by the U.S. In exchange,
• 6:14
  Speaker 11: Iran must allow toll-free passage through the Strait of Hormuz
• 6:17
  Speaker 11: for 60 days, which existed before the war.
• 6:20
  Speaker 4: $ 300 billion?
• 6:24
  Speaker 1: I mean, how did that happen?
• 6:26
  Speaker 4: You know what? Wait a minute.
• 6:29
  Speaker 1: Can we zoom in there for a second?
• 6:31
  Speaker 4: Can we zoom in?
• 6:32
  Speaker 1: There it is.
• 6:35
  Speaker 12: They got him with that automatic gratuity.
• 6:37
  Speaker 1: You got to watch out for that.
• 6:40
  Speaker 12: So basically, we go back to where we were before
• 6:43
  Speaker 12: the war, except Iran gets $ 400 billion. And to add
• 6:47
  Speaker 12: insult to injury, the Ayatollah is using all that cash
• 6:50
  Speaker 12: to build himself a sweet-ass ballroom.
• 6:52
  Speaker 13: So.
• 6:56
  Speaker 4: You know what?
• 6:56
  Speaker 12: Maybe it's worth giving Iran a big old bribe if
• 6:59
  Speaker 12: it means completely eliminating their military apparatus.
• 7:02
  Speaker 11: He conceded yesterday that it will not completely eliminate their
• 7:05
  Speaker 11: military apparatus.
• 7:07
  Speaker 1: What?
• 7:09
  Speaker 12: Didn't they have a whole ballistic missile arsenal that we
• 7:12
  Speaker 12: were trying to dismantle?
• 7:14
  Speaker 11: The president saying it would be unfair for Iran not
• 7:17
  Speaker 11: to have a ballistic missile arsenal while their neighbors in
• 7:20
  Speaker 11: the Gulf do.
• 7:21
  Speaker 14: If other countries have them, it's a little bit unfair
• 7:24
  Speaker 14: for them not to have some.
• 7:29
  Speaker 1: Slow down there, Miss Rachel.
• 7:33
  Speaker 12: I don't know if sharing is caring applies to ICBMs. Okay,
• 7:37
  Speaker 12: all right, I'm a bit confused here. I'm trying to
• 7:41
  Speaker 12: remember Trump's position on all of this before the treaty.
• 7:45
  Speaker 15: We are going to destroy their missiles and raise their
• 7:49
  Speaker 15: missile industry to the ground.
• 7:51
  Speaker 4: It will be totally, again, obliterated.
• 7:57
  Speaker 3: Okay, okay.
• 8:00
  Speaker 1: That sounds bad. Maybe that was taken out of context.
• 8:04
  Speaker 12: Can we play the rest of the sentence?
• 8:07
  Speaker 4: It will be totally, again, obliterated.
• 8:11
  Speaker 1: Unless it's a little bit unfair. Okay, okay.
• 8:15
  Speaker 4: Yes, thank you.
• 8:16
  Speaker 1: See, see, see?
• 8:17
  Speaker 12: And you people doubted his dedication to equity and inclusion.
• 8:22
  Speaker 12: But the fact that Donald Trump started a war that
• 8:24
  Speaker 12: ended badly for him is not really a surprise. What's
• 8:27
  Speaker 12: a little shocking is that conservatives are calling him out
• 8:30
  Speaker 12: on it.
• 8:31
  Speaker 1: The details that I've seen so far look awful.
• 8:34
  Speaker 12: I don't want to see theocratic Islamists who want to
• 8:37
  Speaker 12: kill us made stronger.
• 8:39
  Speaker 6: Count me in the skeptical column.
• 8:41
  Speaker 14: They're going to recover everything we've taken.
• 8:42
  Speaker 4: Away from them. It's much bigger than a mistake. They're
• 8:45
  Speaker 4: better off than they were before the hostilities began. Wow.
• 8:52
  Speaker 1: That assessment is brutal for Trump.
• 8:54
  Speaker 12: I mean, the man who went to his barber and said,
• 8:56
  Speaker 12: I want my head to look like the reservoir tip
• 8:59
  Speaker 12: of a condom thinks you have bad judgment.
• 9:06
  Speaker 1: Mr.
• 9:06
  Speaker 12: President, you need to bring the skeptics onto your side,
• 9:09
  Speaker 12: and I'm sure you'll marshal all of your rhetorical wit
• 9:13
  Speaker 12: and persuasive techniques to do so.
• 9:16
  Speaker 10: A furious response from the president. This is what he
• 9:18
  Speaker 10: wrote before dawn. These fools who think I haven't been
• 9:21
  Speaker 10: tough enough on Iran, they're just either jealous, bad people,
• 9:25
  Speaker 10: or stupid.
• 9:28
  Speaker 1: Masterful, sir. Masterful.
• 9:30
  Speaker 16: Oh, oh.
• 9:33
  Speaker 1: Another powerful rebuttal on par with the greats.
• 9:36
  Speaker 12: I believe it was Cicero who said, you fugly sluts
• 9:39
  Speaker 12: wish you were thick like me.
• 9:43
  Speaker 4: You know what? It doesn't really matter. It doesn't matter
• 9:45
  Speaker 4: who we sent because there's not a lot of wiggle
• 9:47
  Speaker 4: room in these negotiations. President Trump has been very clear
• 9:50
  Speaker 4: about what's expected.
• 9:52
  Speaker 6: The president said there will be no deal with Iran
• 9:55
  Speaker 6: except unconditional surrender.
• 9:58
  Speaker 4: Ta-ta. So basically, J.D. Vance is just there to pick
• 10:01
  Speaker 4: up the white flag, get it signed, hand out a
• 10:04
  Speaker 4: couple of orange slices, call it a game. For all
• 10:06
  Speaker 4: you nit-piecers out there wondering, well, what does surrender even mean?
• 10:10
  Speaker 4: Very simple. They laid it out quite clearly.
• 10:13
  Speaker 14: We want to see no nuclear bomb, no nuclear weapon,
• 10:17
  Speaker 14: not even close to it.
• 10:19
  Speaker 1: I say no enrichment. They want it for civilian, you know,
• 10:23
  Speaker 1: for civil. Civil. I think it's uncivil. We also want
• 10:26
  Speaker 1: the enriched uranium.
• 10:28
  Speaker 9: Destroying Iran's missile capabilities and their capacity to produce brand
• 10:33
  Speaker 9: new ones.
• 10:34
  Speaker 14: No money will exchange hands in any way, shape or form.
• 10:38
  Speaker 4: Boom! So we already know what the deal is. So
• 10:44
  Speaker 4: why don't we go through the deal point by point?
• 10:47
  Speaker 4: Probably isn't gonna take much time at all, pretty simple.
• 10:49
  Speaker 4: Number one, they have to give us all their valuable
• 10:53
  Speaker 4: nuclear material.
• 10:54
  Speaker 14: It's actually not valuable, not a lot of value, but
• 10:57
  Speaker 14: we would like to get it psychologically, but nobody's touching it.
• 11:05
  Speaker 1: Oh, okay.
• 11:06
  Speaker 4: Okay, yeah. So we're not actually gonna get it, but
• 11:11
  Speaker 4: at least they can't touch it. I mean, they can
• 11:14
  Speaker 4: look at it. Looking's not cheating, you know what I mean?
• 11:18
  Speaker 4: As long as Iran doesn't use it for enrichment, you know,
• 11:21
  Speaker 4: for military or civilian use, that's where we actually are
• 11:24
  Speaker 4: drawing the line. Right, Mr. Trump?
• 11:26
  Speaker 14: It is a little hard, though, when you say that
• 11:28
  Speaker 14: somebody wants it, other people have it, other adjoining states
• 11:33
  Speaker 14: have it, and you're not letting them have it for
• 11:35
  Speaker 14: purposes of electricity or things like that.
• 11:37
  Speaker 4: It's always a little tough.
• 11:38
  Speaker 14: You have to use a little common sense.
• 11:42
  Speaker 4: You're the no nuclear guy. You're the one who said it.
• 11:46
  Speaker 4: Now suddenly, I mean, enrich a little bit. I mean,
• 11:51
  Speaker 4: you know, we all enrich nuclear material at some point.
• 11:54
  Speaker 4: You know what I'm saying? The point is we don't
• 11:57
  Speaker 4: have to be such hard asses about the nuclear. Because
• 12:00
  Speaker 4: really the main reason we went there was the ballistic
• 12:02
  Speaker 4: missile program. That's why we're there. And we are definitely
• 12:06
  Speaker 4: not budging on that.
• 12:07
  Speaker 14: The conventional ballistic missiles, which we'll be talking about, and
• 12:11
  Speaker 14: support them. I mean, they have to have some because
• 12:13
  Speaker 14: other people have some. They've got to have some. Sir,
• 12:16
  Speaker 14: you shouldn't let them have any missile. I said, well,
• 12:19
  Speaker 14: what am I going to do? Am I going to
• 12:21
  Speaker 14: let Saudi Arabia have missiles, but they can't have them?
• 12:24
  Speaker 4: Yes, sir. It doesn't work that way, you know. It
• 12:29
  Speaker 4: doesn't work that way. We know that. We know it
• 12:39
  Speaker 4: doesn't work out. Why are you acting like we're the assholes?
• 12:43
  Speaker 4: Like we were the assholes who were like, no missiles,
• 12:45
  Speaker 4: no nuclear. And you're like, you gotta be reasonable. We're
• 12:49
  Speaker 4: just backing you up. And now you're telling us, use
• 12:52
  Speaker 4: your edge, people. I mean, they gotta have missiles. You
• 12:55
  Speaker 4: never know when some impulsive asshole's gonna start bombing them
• 12:58
  Speaker 4: out of nowhere. If they don't have missiles, they're gonna
• 13:02
  Speaker 4: have whatever.
• 13:04
  Speaker 1: What are we doing? What kind of... Fine, fine.
• 13:10
  Speaker 4: Let them have f * * * ing missiles. At
• 13:12
  Speaker 4: least no money's changing hands.
• 13:14
  Speaker 1: As for money, the U.S.
• 13:16
  Speaker 7: Pledges to help create a $ 300 billion reconstruction fund for Iran.
• 13:21
  Speaker 6: Allowing Iran immediately to start selling its oil that could
• 13:24
  Speaker 6: earn Iran $ 60 to $ 70 billion per year. Also in
• 13:28
  Speaker 6: this agreement, the unfreezing of Iranian assets, which could be
• 13:32
  Speaker 6: upwards of $ 100 billion.
• 13:38
  Speaker 4: So the hardline extremist regime of Iran gets a nuclear stockpile, missiles,
• 13:45
  Speaker 4: and money. Iran is a circumcision away from being Israel. Now, wait.
• 14:04
  Speaker 4: I don't actually know if Iranian circumcised. But you get
• 14:09
  Speaker 4: my point. I'm sure someone will leave that in the
• 14:14
  Speaker 4: comments section. I don't know if their penises have the hijab.
• 14:26
  Speaker 4: I don't know. Maybe they just have where you just
• 14:30
  Speaker 4: see the penis's eyes. There's no graphic for that joke,
• 14:42
  Speaker 4: by the way. Look, if this is what we're giving
• 14:48
  Speaker 4: the Iranians, I don't understand why the Iranians are snubbing
• 14:51
  Speaker 4: JD Vance. They should be kissing his booger-laden ring. I mean,
• 14:56
  Speaker 4: what does America get for all these concessions?
• 14:59
  Speaker 16: Yesterday was a very, very good day. We made a
• 15:01
  Speaker 16: lot of good progress.
• 15:03
  Speaker 4: Oh, yeah. Go get them, Joan Didion Vance.
• 15:08
  Speaker 1: What kind of project?
• 15:09
  Speaker 4: Go get them, old Jamountain Dew Vance. I knew you'd
• 15:14
  Speaker 4: come through. What did we get?
• 15:16
  Speaker 16: The Iranians have agreed to invite IAEA inspectors back into
• 15:20
  Speaker 16: their country. That is a major milestone for the American people.
• 15:27
  Speaker 4: Oh yeah, that's a big milestone. We haven't had nuclear
• 15:31
  Speaker 4: inspectors in Iran since, oh, when you started bombing them
• 15:35
  Speaker 4: last year. The Iran inspectors went in there after the
• 15:39
  Speaker 4: JCPOA that Obama negotiated, and they only left when we
• 15:43
  Speaker 4: attacked Iran. So just out of curiosity, why did we
• 15:46
  Speaker 4: tear up the Obama deal with Iran again? That horrible?
• 15:51
  Speaker 4: Iran nuclear deal, that horrible, stupid deal.
• 15:54
  Speaker 15: The stupidity of that deal, where we give $ 150 billion,
• 15:58
  Speaker 15: we get nothing.
• 15:59
  Speaker 9: The deal allowed Iran to continue enriching uranium. It also
• 16:04
  Speaker 9: fails to address the regime's development of ballistic missiles.
• 16:09
  Speaker 4: Who would make a deal so stupid as that?
• 16:11
  Speaker 15: The dumbest deal I've ever seen, the worst deal ever
• 16:13
  Speaker 15: negotiated of any kind. LAUGHTER Yeah, what kind of a dumb?
• 16:23
  Speaker 4: You know, at the time, it's so crazy. I guess
• 16:38
  Speaker 4: the theory is, why trade smaller concessions with Iran for
• 16:42
  Speaker 4: peace when we could instead lose a war with them
• 16:45
  Speaker 4: and make bigger concessions? Well, I hope you.
• 16:48
  Speaker 1: Learned your lesson, Iran.
• 16:49
  Speaker 4: There's plenty more concessions where that came from. You mouth
• 16:53
  Speaker 4: off again, and you're getting Greenland. All right, but that's fine.
• 17:00
  Speaker 4: Let's just make the best of it. JD, can you
• 17:02
  Speaker 4: at least tell us the nuclear inspectors will be starting
• 17:05
  Speaker 4: right away to secure the uranium?
• 17:08
  Speaker 16: In terms of when the nuclear inspectors are going to start,
• 17:10
  Speaker 16: it's funny, we were trying to call some of the
• 17:12
  Speaker 16: inspectors last night around 2 in the morning. As you
• 17:15
  Speaker 16: can expect, not many people were answering their phone at
• 17:18
  Speaker 16: 2 in the morning.
• 17:24
  Speaker 4: Is that funny, though? We've been at war for four months,
• 17:29
  Speaker 4: and no one thought to call the nuclear inspectors before
• 17:32
  Speaker 4: 2 a.m. last night. It's really less funny than just
• 17:36
  Speaker 4: shitty foresight and planning. Honestly. I mean, have you ever
• 17:40
  Speaker 4: wondered who the f * * * buys luggage at
• 17:42
  Speaker 4: an airport? That's our negotiating team.
• 17:46
  Speaker 1: Oh, did we forget something?
• 17:49
  Speaker 4: Oh, you know what? Why am I walking through the
• 17:51
  Speaker 4: airport just carrying my s * * * in my arms?
• 17:56
  Speaker 4: Just called the.
• 17:56
  Speaker 1: Nuclear inspectors at 2 in the morning? F * * *!
• 18:04
  Speaker 4: Are we getting anything in exchange for letting Iran have
• 18:07
  Speaker 4: like half a trillion dollars?
• 18:09
  Speaker 16: If there is any frozen Iranian assets that are unfrozen,
• 18:14
  Speaker 16: the money would actually go to buy American soy, American corn,
• 18:19
  Speaker 16: and American wheat for the benefit of the Iranian people.
• 18:22
  Speaker 16: A classic Trump deal.
• 18:27
  Speaker 4: It is a classic Trump deal. Announce a bold action
• 18:32
  Speaker 4: with grandiose ambition and then shit the bed and then
• 18:39
  Speaker 4: state confidently that bed shit was the goal all along.
• 18:44
  Speaker 4: And then finally, name the bed after Trump. Yes, folks,
• 18:51
  Speaker 4: we went to war with Iran to force them to
• 18:54
  Speaker 4: take money to buy our crops.
• 18:57
  Speaker 1: Win-win.
• 18:58
  Speaker 4: How did no one else figure this out? How did
• 19:00
  Speaker 4: no other president have the foresight to bomb a country
• 19:04
  Speaker 4: into a crop-buying spree?
• 19:06
  Speaker 16: Well, I think one big difference, Phil, is that we
• 19:08
  Speaker 16: have a smart president, whereas in the past we've had
• 19:10
  Speaker 16: dumb presidents.
• 19:15
  Speaker 13: Adding.
• 19:22
  Speaker 11: Overnight, Iran and the U.S.
• 19:23
  Speaker 1: Trading fire. Tehran launching attacks across the region, targeting U.S.
• 19:27
  Speaker 17: Military sites in Bahrain and Kuwait.
• 19:30
  Speaker 4: Just hours earlier, the U.S.
• 19:31
  Speaker 1: Hitting over 80 targets.
• 19:33
  Speaker 6: President Trump said the ceasefire with Iran is now over,
• 19:36
  Speaker 6: calling into question the future of these negotiations and whether
• 19:39
  Speaker 6: America will fully be brought back into this war.
• 19:42
  Speaker 1: What do you mean brought back into the war? What
• 19:45
  Speaker 1: are ones doing the war? It's like a tornado. being like, oh, wow,
• 19:51
  Speaker 1: why is there so wind in here? What's happening? So yeah,
• 19:57
  Speaker 1: the ceasefire may be over, but lucky for us, we
• 19:59
  Speaker 1: got a dealmaker-in-chief as our president. And when he's in charge,
• 20:03
  Speaker 1: it's never over.
• 20:04
  Speaker 13: To me.
• 20:06
  Speaker 4: I think it's over. They're scum. They're sick people.
• 20:09
  Speaker 9: They're led by sick people.
• 20:11
  Speaker 8: Vicious, violent people.
• 20:12
  Speaker 1: They're cuckoo.
• 20:15
  Speaker 9: As far as I'm concerned, they're a bunch of lying guys.
• 20:18
  Speaker 4: They're liars. They're cheats. They're sick people. They're scum. You
• 20:22
  Speaker 4: know what scum is?
• 20:28
  Speaker 1: Yeah, it's the thing covering your reflecting pool, right? But look,
• 20:31
  Speaker 1: just a... But look, Mr. President, take a step back, okay?
• 20:40
  Speaker 1: You've only been negotiating for three weeks. What made you
• 20:43
  Speaker 1: so mad at them?
• 20:44
  Speaker 8: You know, they asked for a timeout. They wanted to
• 20:48
  Speaker 8: go to the funeral of Khomeini. And I said, give
• 20:51
  Speaker 8: it to him. And they started shooting missiles. I mean,
• 20:54
  Speaker 8: it was the craziest thing.
• 20:56
  Speaker 1: Yeah, it's so crazy. It's crazy. I mean, look, I
• 20:59
  Speaker 1: get what you're saying. Iran asked for a timeout for
• 21:01
  Speaker 1: a funeral, and then they shot missiles at oil tankers.
• 21:04
  Speaker 1: You're not supposed to shoot during a timeout. Okay, you
• 21:07
  Speaker 1: got to respect playground rules. But, Mr. President, is there
• 21:13
  Speaker 1: any possible reason you think they might want to launch
• 21:17
  Speaker 1: missiles during their leader's funeral?
• 21:20
  Speaker 8: I mean, it's a crazy thing.
• 21:23
  Speaker 13: Now.
• 21:24
  Speaker 4: We did kill him.
• 21:25
  Speaker 8: Yes, I guess you have.
• 21:26
  Speaker 4: To look at it that way.
• 21:31
  Speaker 1: I think we make a breakthrough here, okay? Because that's
• 21:35
  Speaker 1: what I love about Trump. He sees things from other
• 21:37
  Speaker 1: people's perspective sometimes. But whoever started the war, it doesn't matter.
• 21:42
  Speaker 1: Although it was you. The important thing now is getting help.
• 21:47
  Speaker 1: And again, it's great that he's at the NATO sex summit.
• 21:49
  Speaker 1: Because he could... He can use all the allies he
• 21:55
  Speaker 1: can get.
• 21:55
  Speaker 4: I spoke to Germany. I spoke to France.
• 21:57
  Speaker 9: I spoke to UK.
• 22:00
  Speaker 14: I spoke to Italy.
• 22:02
  Speaker 1: I spoke to.
• 22:03
  Speaker 4: I didn't speak to Spain. Spain is a wasted cause.
• 22:10
  Speaker 1: Wait, what? Wait, Spain? Where did that come from? Did
• 22:17
  Speaker 1: I miss an episode or something?
• 22:19
  Speaker 8: Because....
• 22:20
  Speaker 1: I don't remember Spain being a character in the show,
• 22:23
  Speaker 1: but I guess Trump has some kind of problem with Spain.
• 22:27
  Speaker 4: They're hopeless.
• 22:29
  Speaker 9: Bad people because, you know, they have everybody else going
• 22:33
  Speaker 9: and paying and working in Spain, in particular Spain.
• 22:36
  Speaker 4: There are a couple of others, but in particular Spain.
• 22:38
  Speaker 4: We don't want to do any trade business with Spain anymore,
• 22:41
  Speaker 4: by the way. I'd like you to cut it off.
• 22:46
  Speaker 1: Holy shit, they're cutting trade off? Wait, are you confusing
• 22:49
  Speaker 1: Spain with Mexico? You know Spain is white, right? They're
• 22:56
  Speaker 1: the white people. I mean, they're tan, but they're still
• 22:59
  Speaker 1: white people. You can't just cut off trade with Spain.
• 23:03
  Speaker 1: I mean, how are we gonna get our.
• 23:10
  Speaker 1: What the do these guys make again? Cathedrals? Croquetas? Why
• 23:22
  Speaker 1: is Spain causing you so much pain? Explain.
• 23:25
  Speaker 9: Spain is a terrible partner in NATO. They don't participate,
• 23:31
  Speaker 9: they don't pay. I don't want anything to do with Spain.
• 23:35
  Speaker 9: Cut off all trade with Spain, please. Including visits.
• 23:42
  Speaker 1: Whoa, okay, now I'm causing a timeout. What do you mean,
• 23:46
  Speaker 1: including visits? Does he mean diplomatic, or am I not
• 23:49
  Speaker 1: allowed to go to Spain now? Because I had a
• 23:52
  Speaker 1: whole eat, pray, love plant. The eat was in Mallorca.
• 23:57
  Speaker 1: Can you at least talk to Spain first?
• 23:59
  Speaker 4: I don't want to do any more trade with them,
• 24:01
  Speaker 4: all right? Take it immediately. Don't even talk to them.
• 24:06
  Speaker 1: Don't even talk to them. You can look at their stories,
• 24:09
  Speaker 1: but don't like them.
• 24:14
  Speaker 17: For cutting the funding that prevents Americans from getting the
• 24:16
  Speaker 17: disease that turns our guts inside out, where exactly is
• 24:21
  Speaker 17: our money?
• 24:22
  Speaker 3: An internal Pentagon estimate puts the cost of the war
• 24:25
  Speaker 3: with Iran at between $ 80 and $ 100 billion.
• 24:28
  Speaker 16: That marking a significant increase from the roughly $ 30 billion
• 24:32
  Speaker 16: estimated just three months ago.
• 24:34
  Speaker 4: Oh, I see. Looks like our military budget also has diarrhea.
• 24:41
  Speaker 17: Well, America, I'm sorry to say, but the money it
• 24:43
  Speaker 17: takes to blow up Iran is the reason we're blowing
• 24:46
  Speaker 17: up our own bathrooms. It's like how our grandparents grew
• 24:50
  Speaker 17: their own crops to support the troops during World War II,
• 24:53
  Speaker 17: except our version of this is power washing the toilet
• 24:55
  Speaker 17: with our butthole. So, when you hit week three of
• 25:02
  Speaker 17: Hell Squirts, remember, you're doing it for Uncle Sam.
• 25:11
  Speaker 3: You might remember back in March when President Trump quickly
• 25:14
  Speaker 3: launched his quick war in Iran and conservative media told
• 25:17
  Speaker 3: you how quick it was quickly going to go.
• 25:19
  Speaker 1: We've already knocked out so much of their capability.
• 25:22
  Speaker 17: It looks like this is just a wrap-up mission at
• 25:24
  Speaker 17: this point.
• 25:25
  Speaker 4: I don't see how this thing can continue much longer.
• 25:27
  Speaker 1: The war may be over right now.
• 25:30
  Speaker 4: I just left the president today.
• 25:32
  Speaker 6: It was a great interview.
• 25:33
  Speaker 1: I said to him, Mr. President, you keep talking about
• 25:35
  Speaker 1: the war like, was, was, was. I said, is it over?
• 25:39
  Speaker 1: He said, it's over. Aw, she was so.
• 25:43
  Speaker 3: Happy there, dressed like a pimp on Martha's Vineyard. Kind
• 25:48
  Speaker 3: of like if Katharine Hepburn was in a music video
• 25:51
  Speaker 3: for Three 6 Mafia.
• 25:54
  Speaker 1: Anyway, that was five months ago.
• 25:55
  Speaker 3: So by now, the end must surely be in sight.
• 25:58
  Speaker 4: Tonight, no end in sight in the war against Iran.
• 26:02
  Speaker 1: Mr.
• 26:02
  Speaker 9: President, there are no signs that Iran is ready to
• 26:04
  Speaker 9: stop fighting.
• 26:05
  Speaker 1: So what is the plan?
• 26:06
  Speaker 8: Is the plan to just keep bombing until they give up?
• 26:08
  Speaker 4: There are no signs.
• 26:10
  Speaker 1: What?
• 26:10
  Speaker 4: Do you know something that I don't know?
• 26:12
  Speaker 8: Well, they continue to attack our allies.
• 26:14
  Speaker 4: You don't know anything. Do you know something that I
• 26:17
  Speaker 4: don't know? Do you know something I don't know?
• 26:21
  Speaker 3: My God, this guy's cranky. Get him to a cabinet
• 26:23
  Speaker 3: meeting so he can take a nap. But yes, it's
• 26:27
  Speaker 3: a little awkward for Trump's media boosters that the war
• 26:30
  Speaker 3: is still going on, and it's especially awkward for Greg Kelly,
• 26:34
  Speaker 3: Newsmax anchor and guy who's definitely been kicked out of
• 26:36
  Speaker 3: an airport Chili's. He's gone all in for Trump, and
• 26:41
  Speaker 3: he really put his reputation.
• 26:42
  Speaker 4: On the line.
• 26:43
  Speaker 13: I guess this is not a bold prediction on my
• 26:45
  Speaker 13: part because the president just said it.
• 26:47
  Speaker 1: But I predict also this time next.
• 26:50
  Speaker 4: Week we may be able to declare victory.
• 26:52
  Speaker 1: I tell you what, I tell.
• 26:55
  Speaker 3: You what though, it's still better than his other prediction.
• 26:57
  Speaker 3: Diarrhea-free summer. That did not go well. But yeah, one
• 27:02
  Speaker 3: weekend Greg predicted that the war would be over soon.
• 27:05
  Speaker 3: And did he flinch a week later when the war
• 27:07
  Speaker 3: was still going? No, he did not.
• 27:10
  Speaker 4: The war in Iran. which is only 17 days old.
• 27:14
  Speaker 13: And from what I'm hearing, this thing is gonna be
• 27:16
  Speaker 13: over probably before the 28th day.
• 27:20
  Speaker 4: This is contained.
• 27:21
  Speaker 3: There you go, 17 days and over before day 28.
• 27:27
  Speaker 1: Is it over or is it just beginning?
• 27:29
  Speaker 4: Maybe a little bit of both. We are right now
• 27:32
  Speaker 4: at 30 days.
• 27:35
  Speaker 1: Gotcha, gotcha.
• 27:36
  Speaker 3: We are now at 30 days and the war is
• 27:39
  Speaker 3: over and also just beginning. And before you say, wait,
• 27:43
  Speaker 3: those are opposites, may I remind you that every new
• 27:46
  Speaker 3: beginning comes from some other beginning's end.
• 27:49
  Speaker 1: Closing time. But the point is, chill out, guys.
• 27:52
  Speaker 3: Don't make Greg get sarcastic.
• 27:55
  Speaker 13: Wow, this Iran war has been going on for years, months.
• 27:59
  Speaker 1: No, 52 days. 52 days. Relax.
• 28:05
  Speaker 4: And quite frankly, we're not even shooting anymore.
• 28:07
  Speaker 13: 73 days. And the coverage is relentlessly negative.
• 28:12
  Speaker 4: Well, by one count, you could say 81 days.
• 28:16
  Speaker 13: However, a more accurate count would say 41 days when
• 28:20
  Speaker 13: you factor in the ceasefire.
• 28:22
  Speaker 3: 81 days, that's nothing, especially if you call it 41 days.
• 28:29
  Speaker 3: I mean, do you want him to keep going, people?
• 28:31
  Speaker 3: Because he'll keep going.
• 28:32
  Speaker 1: If you add it all up, four months. Oh, sure.
• 28:36
  Speaker 3: If you add up the days, it seems like a
• 28:38
  Speaker 3: lot of days.
• 28:39
  Speaker 6: What?
• 28:40
  Speaker 3: You don't want to add on the 21 days since
• 28:42
  Speaker 3: the first four months, too?
• 28:43
  Speaker 1: Four months and 21 days.
• 28:47
  Speaker 13: How's that for a forever war?
• 28:50
  Speaker 3: Well, it's a start. So basically, Donald Trump is locked
• 28:54
  Speaker 3: in a forever war, has no plan to get out,
• 28:56
  Speaker 3: and has hardly any defenders besides Kirkland's signature Sean Hannity.
• 29:00
  Speaker 1: Sure.
• 29:03
  Speaker 17: Donald Trump has assured many times that we've already won
• 29:06
  Speaker 17: the war, so why are gas prices still going up?
• 29:10
  Speaker 10: As a new wave of strikes this weekend targets vessels
• 29:13
  Speaker 10: in the Strait of Hormuz, prompting escalating threats.
• 29:16
  Speaker 17: God damn it, the Strait of Hormuz? How is this
• 29:19
  Speaker 17: still happening? We're the United States. We almost beat the Taliban.
• 29:24
  Speaker 17: I know we can handle one straight.
• 29:27
  Speaker 5: A dramatic escalation tonight in the war with Iran. Iranian-backed
• 29:31
  Speaker 5: Houthis in Yemen threatening a second waterway critical to global trade.
• 29:35
  Speaker 5: The Bab al-Mandab Strait, a vital route for Saudi oil.
• 29:39
  Speaker 6: Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
• 29:40
  Speaker 17: There's another strait now? This war is like a telenovela.
• 29:46
  Speaker 17: The Strait of Hormuz.
• 29:49
  Speaker 4: Has a twin.
• 29:58
  Speaker 17: I'm starting to think it's bad that our entire economy
• 30:00
  Speaker 17: is built on extracting oil from incredibly narrow waterways in
• 30:03
  Speaker 17: the world's most volatile region. And I just want to
• 30:06
  Speaker 17: give a shout out to my favorite straight, by the way, Gibraltar, right?
• 30:11
  Speaker 17: I mean, drama free, staying in its lane. No one
• 30:17
  Speaker 17: has anything bad to ever say about the straight of Gibraltar. Anyways,
• 30:21
  Speaker 17: love you, Gib. So now we have two straits that
• 30:25
  Speaker 17: we get our oil from, and they're both closed. How
• 30:28
  Speaker 17: did this happen?
• 30:29
  Speaker 10: A lot of it has to do with the Iranian-supported
• 30:31
  Speaker 10: Houthi rebels in Yemen here.
• 30:33
  Speaker 1: We can see the Houthis have now spread their control.
• 30:36
  Speaker 10: Actually, it does include this town right here, and it
• 30:40
  Speaker 10: also includes a very key island in the Strait of
• 30:43
  Speaker 10: Bab al-Amandeb right here. They've been running oil out of
• 30:46
  Speaker 10: this pipeline here into the Red Sea.
• 30:49
  Speaker 1: Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!
• 30:51
  Speaker 4: Shut up!
• 30:52
  Speaker 1: Just shut up!
• 30:54
  Speaker 17: I don't want to learn any more obscure Middle Eastern geography.
• 30:59
  Speaker 17: I shouldn't have to know what Parham Island is. No
• 31:03
  Speaker 17: offense to the people of this region. I'm sure it's
• 31:05
  Speaker 17: a beautiful place with a rich and fascinating history, but
• 31:07
  Speaker 17: every time I learn something new about it, it means
• 31:09
  Speaker 17: my life has gotten worse. By this time next year,
• 31:12
  Speaker 17: gas is going to be $ 12 a gallon, and I'm
• 31:14
  Speaker 17: going to be able to name all the rivers in Oman.
• 31:19
  Speaker 17: This brain wasn't built to learn about international waterways. It
• 31:23
  Speaker 17: was built to learn the names of all the characters
• 31:25
  Speaker 17: in the progressive insurance commercials.
• 31:28
  Speaker 1: Flo, Jamie, Mara, and of course, Alan.
• 31:32
  Speaker 4: You guys don't know their names?
• 31:40
  Speaker 17: And more importantly, this all shows how badly our commander-in-chief
• 31:44
  Speaker 17: has managed this war.
• 31:45
  Speaker 4: I mean, look at this shit.
• 31:47
  Speaker 17: Iran is not even on the map about the war
• 31:50
  Speaker 17: in Iran. I thought this war was about nukes, but
• 31:54
  Speaker 17: the nukes, they're like up here. This war is starting
• 31:58
  Speaker 17: to feel like that moment in Monopoly when you know
• 32:00
  Speaker 17: you're going to lose, but it's still going to take
• 32:02
  Speaker 17: like six more hours of hemorrhaging money. In the meantime,
• 32:06
  Speaker 17: the only things we can count on are gas prices
• 32:08
  Speaker 17: going up and the president lying about them going down.