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Hold Up, Playboy - René Hicks 🤣🤣🤣 | Please remember to share this podcast "massively · Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud

• 0:02
  SPEAKER_00: New York City.
• 0:04
  SPEAKER_00: Comedy Central presents.
• 0:06
  SPEAKER_00: Remember it.
• 0:26
  SPEAKER_01: My people, thank you.
• 0:31
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, yeah.
• 0:32
  SPEAKER_00: And you are my people.
• 0:35
  SPEAKER_00: That's right.
• 0:36
  SPEAKER_00: Because just like you, I don't think I'm gonna be getting an invitation to John Rocker's house either.
• 0:43
  SPEAKER_00: You know when he was describing the people who ride the number seven train, I thought he was personally talking about members of my family.
• 0:54
  SPEAKER_00: I'm like, wait a minute, I can talk about them, but hold up, buddy boy.
• 0:58
  SPEAKER_00: Because I do have some very strange people in my family.
• 1:02
  SPEAKER_00: They all gather together at my grandfather's 85th birthday party.
• 1:07
  SPEAKER_00: Let's start with him.
• 1:08
  SPEAKER_00: He's losing it.
• 1:10
  SPEAKER_00: He gives advice, makes no sense.
• 1:12
  SPEAKER_00: He's like, right, show business is a dog eat dog world.
• 1:18
  SPEAKER_00: Make sure your dog ain't anorexic.
• 1:26
  SPEAKER_00: Another thing, remember, beauty's only skin deep.
• 1:30
  SPEAKER_00: Just don't tell that to an ugly person.
• 1:35
  SPEAKER_00: And what really got him started was my cousin telling the whole family that he's gay.
• 1:43
  SPEAKER_00: My grandpa's like, that boy ain't gay.
• 1:47
  SPEAKER_00: He's just lazy.
• 1:52
  SPEAKER_00: Even a dog licks his own balls.
• 1:58
  SPEAKER_00: You think he stopped there?
• 1:59
  SPEAKER_00: Oh no, then he goes on.
• 2:01
  SPEAKER_00: That's just like that Ricky Martin boy.
• 2:03
  SPEAKER_00: He ain't gay.
• 2:04
  SPEAKER_00: He Puerto Rican.
• 2:07
  SPEAKER_00: Puerto Rican men dance like they're gay, but they not.
• 2:11
  SPEAKER_00: Now you see a white guy dancing like that, oh yeah, then he is gay.
• 2:16
  SPEAKER_00: He's sucking a big pickle.
• 2:23
  SPEAKER_00: I'm like, grandpa, you are prejudiced against gay people.
• 2:27
  SPEAKER_00: He's like, I am not homographic.
• 2:31
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not talking about nobody.
• 2:33
  SPEAKER_00: I'm just talking about what I'm talking about.
• 2:35
  SPEAKER_00: The man is gone, stark raving mad.
• 2:38
  SPEAKER_00: And I think that is why my grandmother is shrinking.
• 2:43
  SPEAKER_00: She's 82 years old, people, and she's shrinking.
• 2:47
  SPEAKER_00: Everything except her huge rear end.
• 2:51
  SPEAKER_00: People, it actually looks like she is shrinking into her big behind.
• 3:08
  SPEAKER_00: There's just a head sitting on top of a butt with a couple of legs sticking out.
• 3:12
  SPEAKER_00: She's just a little old butt lady.
• 3:14
  SPEAKER_00: That's all she is.
• 3:15
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, you people are going to hell for laughing at my grandma.
• 3:18
  SPEAKER_00: You think that's okay?
• 3:20
  SPEAKER_00: And then all the ugly relatives showed up.
• 3:24
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, yeah.
• 3:25
  SPEAKER_00: The half lizard, half moose looking people.
• 3:28
  SPEAKER_00: Every family has them.
• 3:30
  SPEAKER_00: If you're not laughing right now, you are the ugly family.
• 3:33
  SPEAKER_00: Yuck it up.
• 3:34
  SPEAKER_00: Yuck it up.
• 3:37
  SPEAKER_00: Ugly babies are the worst.
• 3:40
  SPEAKER_00: And don't you go, oh, because that means you had an ugly baby and gave it away.
• 3:47
  SPEAKER_00: You're just feeling guilty.
• 3:50
  SPEAKER_00: See, parents who have ugly babies, they insist upon showing them to you.
• 3:57
  SPEAKER_00: Expecting you to compliment them.
• 3:59
  SPEAKER_00: But when you get up on close with that baby, it's shocking.
• 4:03
  SPEAKER_00: You're like, oh, is that your baby?
• 4:04
  SPEAKER_00: Let me see.
• 4:04
  SPEAKER_00: Oh my God! Is that your baby?
• 4:09
  SPEAKER_00: Cute, yeah, as cute as a as a rat's ass.
• 4:13
  SPEAKER_00: That's an ugly baby lady.
• 4:16
  SPEAKER_00: Could you put the blanket back over his face?
• 4:17
  SPEAKER_00: He's scared of my pit bull.
• 4:23
  SPEAKER_00: And works with the women breastfeeding their babies out in public.
• 4:30
  SPEAKER_00: I go to Shea Stadium with my cousin Troy and his wife Rowena, who is Jamaican.
• 4:36
  SPEAKER_00: She starts breastfeeding the baby right in the bleachers.
• 4:41
  SPEAKER_00: People are staring.
• 4:42
  SPEAKER_00: She gets the attitude, what you looking at?
• 4:46
  SPEAKER_00: This is totally natural.
• 4:53
  SPEAKER_00: I'm like, oh yeah, Rowena?
• 4:55
  SPEAKER_00: Is it perfectly natural to have your breast up on the big screen?
• 5:08
  SPEAKER_00: Your boob is ten feet tall.
• 5:10
  SPEAKER_00: Oh my god, now they're advertising got milk underneath.
• 5:13
  SPEAKER_00: Oh my god.
• 5:15
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, that's totally natural.
• 5:16
  SPEAKER_00: That's totally natural.
• 5:19
  SPEAKER_00: And my cousin Troy has a twin brother, JaCoy.
• 5:23
  SPEAKER_00: JaCoy is a crack addict.
• 5:26
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, he's always trying to borrow money from you.
• 5:28
  SPEAKER_00: He's like, yo, cuz, why don't you let me hold 20?
• 5:34
  SPEAKER_00: I pay you back.
• 5:36
  SPEAKER_00: I'm like, why?
• 5:38
  SPEAKER_00: Because your full-time occupation is that of a crackhead.
• 5:42
  SPEAKER_00: And lending crackhead 20 bucks is like loaning out one of your good knives to OJ Simpson.
• 5:48
  SPEAKER_00: You're never gonna see it again.
• 5:51
  SPEAKER_00: That's why.
• 6:02
  SPEAKER_00: And what kind of name is Joy anyway?
• 6:06
  SPEAKER_00: Black people, you must stop naming your kids this crazy stuff.
• 6:14
  SPEAKER_00: And please, white people, don't you look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about.
• 6:19
  SPEAKER_00: You know you've been introduced to black women, they walked away, you're like, okay, now one was chandelier, and the other was chlamydia.
• 6:41
  SPEAKER_00: Got a 10-year-old nephew walking around talking about he's in a gang.
• 6:46
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 6:47
  SPEAKER_00: Got that do-rag on, but apparently he is unaware that the color of the do-rag indicates what gang you're in.
• 6:54
  SPEAKER_00: He's wearing a brown do-rag.
• 6:56
  SPEAKER_00: I'm like, what gang are you in?
• 6:58
  SPEAKER_00: UPS?
• 7:01
  SPEAKER_00: Drive by deliveries is what your little badass is gonna be doing.
• 7:06
  SPEAKER_00: I do not understand gang violence.
• 7:09
  SPEAKER_00: It is totally crazy.
• 7:11
  SPEAKER_00: Blacks killing blacks, Latinos killing Latinos.
• 7:15
  SPEAKER_00: If gang members have to kill, kill constructively.
• 7:19
  SPEAKER_00: Kill some Ku Klux Plan.
• 7:34
  SPEAKER_00: That's right.
• 7:35
  SPEAKER_00: Don't kill people in the hood, kill people wearing the hood.
• 7:59
  SPEAKER_00: You got to discipline these kids.
• 8:02
  SPEAKER_00: You got to, they need it, they want it.
• 8:08
  SPEAKER_00: And not this time out bull either.
• 8:11
  SPEAKER_00: I think you white people started this stuff.
• 8:15
  SPEAKER_00: Because I asked one of my white girlfriends where she got this from.
• 8:19
  SPEAKER_00: She's like, well, Renee, I read it in a book.
• 8:22
  SPEAKER_00: Experts gave me theories and principles on how to discipline children.
• 8:27
  SPEAKER_00: My mom helped raise five kids.
• 8:30
  SPEAKER_00: She didn't have to read a book.
• 8:32
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, she had something like timeout.
• 8:34
  SPEAKER_00: It was called Knockout.
• 8:47
  SPEAKER_00: And you know, my parents, they controlled what we watched on TV.
• 8:52
  SPEAKER_00: She would not let us watch certain things.
• 8:54
  SPEAKER_00: I saw my little nephews, nieces watching talk shows.
• 8:58
  SPEAKER_00: And you know what?
• 8:59
  SPEAKER_00: I realized they're starting to run out of freaks on these talk shows.
• 9:02
  SPEAKER_00: Have you noticed that?
• 9:03
  SPEAKER_00: They are.
• 9:03
  SPEAKER_00: Because they will like copy each other's shows, change one word, and pretend like it's a new show.
• 9:07
  SPEAKER_00: Like I saw one show, it was like devil worshippers.
• 9:10
  SPEAKER_00: And then another one, like a week later, teenage devil worshipers.
• 9:15
  SPEAKER_00: I'm waiting for Springer to come along and top everybody.
• 9:17
  SPEAKER_00: Dyslexic teenage devil worshipers.
• 9:21
  SPEAKER_00: You know, sometimes they have serious topics on the talk shows.
• 9:24
  SPEAKER_00: I saw one on AIDS.
• 9:26
  SPEAKER_00: It actually said that black females are the fastest rising infection rate.
• 9:33
  SPEAKER_00: That scared me.
• 9:34
  SPEAKER_00: And I decided that, hey, until I find somebody that's worth dying for, I'm abstaining from sex.
• 9:39
  SPEAKER_00: That's right, I am celibate and it ain't easy.
• 9:49
  SPEAKER_00: I now know why Catholic nuns are so damn mean.
• 9:54
  SPEAKER_00: I too wish to hit people with a ruler for no apparent reason.
• 10:00
  SPEAKER_00: And it is not easy here in New York either, with all these different flavored men walking around with your shirts all trying to tempt me.
• 10:12
  SPEAKER_00: And you guys, you pretend like you don't even know what the word celibate means.
• 10:15
  SPEAKER_00: I told one guy I was celibate, he was like, Well, I'm a Sagittarius, our signs are compatible.
• 10:24
  SPEAKER_00: Another guy said, celibate, is that like some sort of vegetarian?
• 10:29
  SPEAKER_00: I said, Well, we do have something in common in that tonight neither one of us will be having meat.
• 10:34
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, you see what I'm saying?
• 10:35
  SPEAKER_00: You see what I'm saying?
• 10:39
  SPEAKER_00: I ran into one dumb, dumb, dumb guy talking about sell a bit, sell a lot.
• 10:44
  SPEAKER_00: Just tell me how much it costs.
• 11:00
  SPEAKER_00: I have plenty of time to have sex because I heard that a woman does not reach her sexual peak until she's 35.
• 11:08
  SPEAKER_00: A man, 18.
• 11:12
  SPEAKER_00: I have a plan.
• 11:14
  SPEAKER_00: When I start to hit 35, I'm gonna start patrolling high schools.
• 11:22
  SPEAKER_00: They get out at 3 o'clock.
• 11:23
  SPEAKER_00: I already called a check.
• 11:26
  SPEAKER_00: I'm gonna load up my car with beer, food, and a Sony PlayStation.
• 11:30
  SPEAKER_00: I'm gonna get me somebody.
• 11:32
  SPEAKER_00: Somebody special.
• 11:50
  SPEAKER_00: People in England talk funny.
• 11:53
  SPEAKER_00: And not just that accent, because they say things that we say, but they don't mean the same things as we mean when we say it.
• 12:02
  SPEAKER_00: Like I'm going off to my hotel room.
• 12:05
  SPEAKER_00: The desk clerk goes, Love, what time in the morning would you like for me to knock you up?
• 12:18
  SPEAKER_00: Excuse me, I hardly know you.
• 12:21
  SPEAKER_00: And I don't recall reading that service and the travel brochure.
• 12:27
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't understand.
• 12:28
  SPEAKER_00: In England, knock you up means wake you up.
• 12:31
  SPEAKER_00: Then a woman says to me, Excuse me, but uh, do you have a rubber I can borrow?
• 12:35
  SPEAKER_00: I promise to bring it back.
• 12:40
  SPEAKER_00: What kind of freaks live here?
• 12:43
  SPEAKER_00: I'm like, I don't have one, but if I did, you could keep it.
• 12:48
  SPEAKER_00: I know England's into recycling, but that is ridiculous.
• 12:53
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't understand that a rubber in England is an eraser.
• 12:58
  SPEAKER_00: The most embarrassing moment was when I got this dessert menu handed to me, and I opened it to find something called Great Big Spotted Dick.
• 13:14
  SPEAKER_00: That's what it says, sir, right there.
• 13:17
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 13:18
  SPEAKER_00: Just reading it kind of makes you feel gay, don't it?
• 13:21
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 13:22
  SPEAKER_00: Huh?
• 13:24
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 13:26
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 13:28
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 13:30
  SPEAKER_00: And of course, if you are gay, it just makes you feel hungry, okay?
• 13:35
  SPEAKER_00: Anyway, I just it actually says, check this out, loads for two, enough for three or four to share.
• 13:51
  SPEAKER_00: Now that, my friends, is a lot of dick.
• 14:07
  SPEAKER_00: You know what they have in England?
• 14:10
  SPEAKER_00: Jehovah's Witnesses.
• 14:12
  SPEAKER_00: Apparently, in America, we have gotten so good at hiding from these people.
• 14:28
  SPEAKER_00: That they had to go to a whole other continent just to sell their quota of watchtowers.
• 14:36
  SPEAKER_00: You know what amazes me about the Jehovah's Witnesses?
• 14:38
  SPEAKER_00: They don't celebrate any holidays.
• 14:40
  SPEAKER_00: Did you know that?
• 14:41
  SPEAKER_00: No Christmas, no Thanksgiving, no Valentine's Day.
• 14:44
  SPEAKER_00: They don't let their kids celebrate Halloween.
• 14:46
  SPEAKER_00: I think this is a mistake.
• 14:48
  SPEAKER_00: Because wouldn't trick-or-treating for a little Jehovah's Witness kid be like a training exercise?
• 14:54
  SPEAKER_00: Go on, ring the doorbell.
• 14:55
  SPEAKER_00: I know you don't know who lives here.
• 14:56
  SPEAKER_00: Ring it.
• 14:58
  SPEAKER_00: Even the ones with the lights that are off.
• 15:00
  SPEAKER_00: They're home.
• 15:00
  SPEAKER_00: Go ring it.
• 15:07
  SPEAKER_00: They have Jehovah's Witnesses in England, but they do not have Latinos.
• 15:11
  SPEAKER_00: I grew up in a Latino neighborhood in California.
• 15:13
  SPEAKER_00: Any Latinos in the house?
• 15:15
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 15:18
  SPEAKER_00: I must have Latinos.
• 15:20
  SPEAKER_00: Because there's not that much difference between blacks and Latinos.
• 15:22
  SPEAKER_00: Latinos are just black people with straight hair.
• 15:24
  SPEAKER_00: Let's be real.
• 15:25
  SPEAKER_00: Let's be real.
• 15:28
  SPEAKER_00: Black people need Latinos because they help take the pressure off of us.
• 15:34
  SPEAKER_00: If there were no Latinos, the police would be messing us with us 24-7.
• 15:40
  SPEAKER_00: Who they chasing?
• 15:41
  SPEAKER_00: Jose?
• 15:42
  SPEAKER_00: Oh good.
• 15:42
  SPEAKER_00: Break time.
• 15:43
  SPEAKER_00: Break time.
• 15:44
  SPEAKER_00: Break time?
• 15:45
  SPEAKER_00: Break time.
• 15:50
  SPEAKER_00: I love walking through a Latino neighborhood because Latino men will show appreciation for a woman that's looking good.
• 15:57
  SPEAKER_00: Hell, she don't even have to be looking that good, okay?
• 16:00
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 16:04
  SPEAKER_00: And they do it with imagination.
• 16:05
  SPEAKER_00: They don't just throw out some lame ass pickup line.
• 16:08
  SPEAKER_00: Oh no.
• 16:09
  SPEAKER_00: They do it with sounds.
• 16:22
  SPEAKER_00: Whoa! Jungle love, yes.
• 16:25
  SPEAKER_00: Aye, Poppy.
• 16:27
  SPEAKER_00: Aye.
• 16:40
  SPEAKER_00: I was in a small town in Mississippi when I got stopped by the police.
• 16:47
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, I was scared, people, I'm not gonna lie.
• 16:50
  SPEAKER_00: Because in that whole town, the whole time I was there, I did not see any other black people.
• 16:55
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't even see a black dog.
• 16:58
  SPEAKER_00: I went to a restaurant, they didn't even have pepper.
• 17:03
  SPEAKER_00: And it was a Chinese restaurant, and you could tell no Chinese people had ever been there.
• 17:07
  SPEAKER_00: Because I looked at the menu.
• 17:08
  SPEAKER_00: Sweet and sour grits is not Chinese food.
• 17:12
  SPEAKER_00: It's not.
• 17:13
  SPEAKER_00: They didn't even give me a fortune cookie.
• 17:14
  SPEAKER_00: They gave me a biscuit with a handwritten note shoved in the middle.
• 17:19
  SPEAKER_00: No, thank you, scooter.
• 17:21
  SPEAKER_00: No, thank you.
• 17:21
  SPEAKER_00: I don't.
• 17:25
  SPEAKER_00: And then the policeman had the nerve to walk up to the car and go, hoo-hoo-hoo.
• 17:33
  SPEAKER_00: You colored people sure love to drive fast.
• 17:37
  SPEAKER_00: Colored?
• 17:38
  SPEAKER_00: I said, excuse me, sir, but I am mahogany American.
• 17:43
  SPEAKER_00: White people looking around going, did they change their name again?
• 17:46
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't I didn't get a memo, did you?
• 17:50
  SPEAKER_00: What about I just did that to mess with him because of color.
• 17:59
  SPEAKER_00: Because aren't we all colored?
• 18:02
  SPEAKER_00: All of us are colored.
• 18:03
  SPEAKER_00: All of us are colored.
• 18:10
  SPEAKER_00: If somebody comes up to you and they're transparent, run, it's a freaking alien.
• 18:13
  SPEAKER_00: No! And I think it's a tad bit hypocritical of black people to have names that you can't call us anymore, but we still have in the names of organizations that represent us.
• 18:27
  SPEAKER_00: The United Negro College Fund.
• 18:30
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, you can't call us a Negro, but we will accept your donation.
• 18:36
  SPEAKER_00: I believe that it is not what you call me, it is what I answer to.
• 18:41
  SPEAKER_00: And you know, after all that time that I spent in Mississippi, I realized that uh I'm afraid we have not come as far as we should as a country with the gains that we should be making, considering how great a country we are.
• 18:53
  SPEAKER_00: Because not only did I have that incident with the ignorant police, but I go into a corner grocery store, get ready to walk in, there's a sign on the door that says, Nigga, when the sun don't shine, I bet not see your black behind.
• 19:08
  SPEAKER_00: Well, that didn't stop me because I don't answer to that.
• 19:11
  SPEAKER_00: I walked up in there all the way to the counter to the owner, and I said, Hey, you see that sign out there?
• 19:17
  SPEAKER_00: Well, the word nigger is spelled with two G's, you stupid ass.
• 19:36
  SPEAKER_00: You know what?
• 19:37
  SPEAKER_00: I don't even respond to that word because if you do, you give the racists the power.
• 19:41
  SPEAKER_00: And I have finally figured out a way to take the sting out of that vile and hateful word.
• 19:47
  SPEAKER_00: My solution?
• 19:49
  SPEAKER_00: Change the meaning.
• 19:50
  SPEAKER_00: Attach it to something good, something everybody loves.
• 19:53
  SPEAKER_00: Snack foods.
• 19:54
  SPEAKER_00: That's right.
• 19:55
  SPEAKER_00: That's right.
• 19:56
  SPEAKER_00: You know you love tortilla chips, potato chips, corn chips, why not nigger chips?
• 20:00
  SPEAKER_00: It sounds like a snack food.
• 20:03
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm gonna make some tasty flavors, cheese niggers, onion and garlic niggers.
• 20:11
  SPEAKER_00: For my Latino friends, nacho niggas.
• 20:24
  SPEAKER_00: Don't worry, black people, there will be no barbecue niggas.
• 20:27
  SPEAKER_00: Cause I don't like the way that sounds.
• 20:29
  SPEAKER_00: We drawing a line there.
• 20:30
  SPEAKER_00: Don't worry about that.
• 20:31
  SPEAKER_00: No barbecue niggas.
• 20:33
  SPEAKER_00: Don't worry.
• 20:37
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm gonna make them so delicious that the only time anybody's ever gonna get upset when they hear that word again is when they're at a party and they don't have none.
• 20:47
  SPEAKER_00: What?
• 20:47
  SPEAKER_00: No niggers?
• 20:49
  SPEAKER_00: You can't have a party without niggers?
• 20:52
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, you got crackers.
• 20:53
  SPEAKER_00: Nobody wants crackers at a party! Remember this, my people.
• 21:11
  SPEAKER_00: Laughter brings us together.
• 21:14
  SPEAKER_00: We need a lot more laughter in this world and a lot less of the stupid crap that divides us.
• 21:18
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you, you guys have been great.