Latest / Minnesota Masonic Histories and Mysteries / Episode 140: The Beehive Initiative (ft. Bill Dehkes & Mark Meier)

Transcript

Episode 140: The Beehive Initiative (ft. Bill Dehkes & Mark Meier) · Minnesota Masonic Histories and Mysteries

• 0:00
  I recently saw a post from the CEO of UFC He explained why he hates men's mental health culture.
• 0:10
  He said, quote,"I hate this whole men's mental health stuff that they talk about.
• 0:15
  Unfortunately, when you're a man, you're the provider.
• 0:19
  you can't be that guy posting on social media,'Oh, I had a bad day and I'm so sad.' It's unattractive to other males, let alone women," unquote.
• 0:31
  Fortunately, somebody re-posted that and said that men die by suicide at four times the rate of women, and a big reason is that men are less likely to ask for help Your thoughts?
• 0:46
  Absurd.
• 0:47
  Yeah, absolutely ridiculous.
• 0:49
  And, and you know what?
• 0:50
  Honestly, I don't know about you guys, but it, it is an attractive feature to be able to share your feelings.
• 0:55
  It really is, honestly, seriously.
• 0:57
  I mean, I have, I have women friends that I talk to about my struggles, and they're just as engaged as, as ever.
• 1:03
  Sometimes some things are on the internet, you wonder if people say just wild things just to get attention.
• 1:07
  Maybe.
• 1:08
  And, and the, the guy that reposted this said,"Being hyper online, always dwelling in your feelings, and romanticizing mental illness is generally not helpful." yeah, there's some truth to that perhaps.
• 1:18
  100%.
• 1:18
  Yep.
• 1:18
  But, but to say,"I hate this whole men's mental health stuff," and that you should just tough it out is dumb and dangerous.
• 1:25
  Well, and it's, and it, it really doesn't line up with what takes courage.
• 1:29
  What takes courage is to be honest about the experiences you're having.
• 1:33
  And this idea that men are immune to having difficult days, depression, anxiety, et cetera, et cetera, it's just silly.
• 1:42
  And, and the, you know, the guy who made that original statement, he fails to understand the communities that men have built across industries forever where they do help each other, the police, the fire, the military.
• 1:56
  It just wasn't as public as it, as it is now, and these guys have been taking care of each other for years, and he just doesn't get it.
• 2:03
  I...
• 2:03
  You know, you're talking about the UFC, which is manly, manly, manly type stuff, right?
• 2:07
  I mean, that's really what it is.
• 2:09
  and again, I, I just wonder how much he really believes that if it was a real thing or something he just felt like saying off the cuff because it's like Mark just said, it's, it's not even based in reality.
• 2:19
  Anybody who's in a difficult line of work, a first responder, a physician, a nurse, or a UFC fighter, they have to be tough on the outside.
• 2:28
  There's a steely resolve that is required to do that job and to do it well.
• 2:34
  that post really pissed me off.
• 2:35
  Well, and there's this undercurrent to this that somehow if you acknowledge that you struggle, that deletes the fact that you are tough, that you show up, that you do hard things.
• 2:49
  It's this binary black and white idea that you are all or you are nothing, and it just really lacks any integrity or thought to put anything like that forward.
• 3:00
  it's, it's not based on reality.
• 3:02
  I mean, we all know what humans are like and how this works.
• 3:05
  To say that men don't have feelings and emotions and any of that stuff, that's ridiculous.
• 3:09
  Now, there are people that post crazy stuff on fa- on, online, people post stuff on there about their feelings, looking for attention and different things.
• 3:17
  Yes.
• 3:17
  Yeah.
• 3:17
  But, I mean, to think that men don't have or shouldn't have feelings, emotions, bad days, and, and even be able to share that with someone?
• 3:24
  I mean, that's what we preach here.
• 3:25
  Reach out to somebody and talk to somebody.
• 3:29
  I'm really glad to have you both back in studio again, Mark Meyer, Bill Deckus from the Face It Foundation.
• 3:35
  We have recently rolled out our BEEHIVE Collaborative.
• 3:38
  This is something that the Minnesota Freemasons and Minnesota Masonic Charities have made a five-year commitment, a partnership, a collaboration with you guys at Face It, and we are bringing what we're calling the BEEHIVE into the lodge setting to help us, as men and as Masons, connect in a more authentic way.
• 3:59
  There's been a little misunderstanding from time to time where Masons think are, are we replacing our ritual and our customs?
• 4:05
  No.
• 4:07
  This is meant to be a way that we enhance the connection that already exists, the friendship and the brotherhood that is there.
• 4:14
  How can we take that a little deeper?
• 4:16
  Because what we're finding in not only the Masonic setting, but pretty much anywhere, a church, a house of worship, in our workplace, we are intimate strangers.
• 4:27
  We may know a little bit about one another, But we are sometimes lost when it comes to where should I turn?
• 4:33
  Who can I talk to when life really happens?
• 4:36
  And as we've all learned, that if you're not good at talking about the little things on a regular basis, it's incredibly difficult to go down the road of something more difficult when that happens.
• 4:48
  Well, I think that's a, that's a really key point, is that this is something that takes work, it takes practice.
• 4:53
  I mean, the average guy is not just gonna walk down the street, see someone, and just start emptying their soul, right?
• 4:58
  They gotta talk about smaller things, and that's, that is with the Masons, with what we do at Face It.
• 5:02
  Guy's gotta be able to handle the, the general talk as well before all of a sudden it gets to deep stuff.
• 5:08
  Because you gotta be able to trust the person you're talking to.
• 5:10
  That's a big part of it.
• 5:11
  'Cause if I don't know you and don't trust you, I may not share the most intimate details that I'm struggling with, just from safety f- safety standpoint.
• 5:19
  You know, and as I've thought about this as it gets rolled out in the lodges, there's actually a, a challenge that exists because these guys do know each other.
• 5:27
  You know, some of these guys have known each other and been in lodge, what, 10, 15, 20, 25 years, so they've built up a persona.
• 5:33
  They've been showing a side of themselves that they only want people to see that side, and now I gotta sit down with this guy who I've known for quite a while and say,"Oh, by the way, for the last 10, 15 years, I've also been dealing with this"?
• 5:46
  It's complicated.
• 5:47
  And y- and you're asking men to really come forward and put themselves in a vulnerable spot, and we're watching them do it, and that's the cool part.
• 5:55
  And of course, it's not gonna be perfect, and nothing's linear, but my goodness, what we've seen so far, these guys are trying.
• 6:02
  And as we've rolled this out, we've had two lodges in the central portion of the state, one in the south, and just about ready to launch in the north.
• 6:10
  Over the next five years, we plan to take this to every lodge in the state that's interested in pursuing this.
• 6:16
  and I've had a front row seat to a couple of the meetings we've had in the metro.
• 6:22
  It was amazing to see in the meeting that we had on August 1st.
• 6:25
  It was a Saturday morning, coffee, little breakfast.
• 6:29
  We kicked off the Beehive at that lodge, and there were men in that room, friends and brothers, who have known each other for, to your point, Mark, five, 10, 15 years or more In the space of two hours of meaningful conversation that day, led by you, Bill, men in that room learned more about one another in two hours than they had known of each other in over a decade.
• 6:54
  Some of it might have seemed trivial, some of it was hobby related, but some of it was real life, hard stuff, normal life struggles that we just haven't stopped to talk about, to lean on each other, and knowing we can't fix each other.
• 7:11
  But by God, we have a story that we could say,"I, I wish someone had told me the following when I was in your exact position." so impactful on the very first meeting.
• 7:22
  You know, I think we talked about this, about it takes practice, some of this stuff.
• 7:25
  These guys are used to being a certain way for their entire lives, and we need to make that change.
• 7:30
  That's why Mark's talked about we're changing culture here.
• 7:33
  And, uh, if you remember right, a big thing about that meeting is I asked all the guys,"What is one thing the people that you love and closest to you don't know about you?" And it was that simple question that caused four of those men to break down and cry and share things that they haven't told their brothers that they meet with all the time at group.
• 7:53
  I mean, the surprised look on the faces of those guys when these guys shared these different stories, real life stuff about feeling pressure, about having to be perfect, about dealing with health issues, aging parents, um, alcoholism.
• 8:05
  I mean, oh my goodness.
• 8:07
  that never got shared before, and it's, it's foreign, right?
• 8:10
  It's like if you've never golfed before, here's a left-handed club, go out and hit golf.
• 8:14
  It's not gonna work very well, and you're gonna get frustrated and, and give up.
• 8:18
  But if we can keep this going in this, in this regard, I think these guys will learn how to be able to trust each other.
• 8:24
  And we talked about good things that day.
• 8:26
  Yeah.
• 8:26
  There were some victories, some promotions at jobs, kids and grandkids, college accomplishments Those things too, the, the easy things- Mm-hmm hadn't been shared before.
• 8:39
  the interesting thing about the easy things, the hard things, any of it, is what we are asking men to do is to have more rounded relationships with each other, the good and the bad, right?
• 8:50
  We assume it's easy to talk about the good things.
• 8:53
  Well, interestingly enough, conversations about the weather aren't about collaboration or about, you know, promotions at work, or, because even those things feel awkward to men.
• 9:03
  To claim that something good happened or something is going their way, a lot of times guys don't feel comfortable with that information.
• 9:10
  We are so surface level that all of this, the good and the bad, is what's gonna strengthen these relationships.
• 9:16
  Think about the efficiency you just talked about.
• 9:19
  In the course of two hours, men who collectively have known one another, you know, hundreds of years if you multiply it out, got to know more about each other in two hours by simply being focused.
• 9:31
  It's incredible.
• 9:33
  we, as Masons, like to say that we're the purveyors of friendship.
• 9:37
  We invented brotherhood, the concept of a men's support system.
• 9:42
  But when the lodge is simply becoming a place where we say these words, there's a lot of performative things that we do to go through the motions to become a Mason, to talk about our value teachings.
• 9:55
  There's a huge difference in talking about them and using these buzzwords of brotherhood and friendship that almost feel abstract at times.
• 10:03
  There's a difference between just saying all of the words and actually living it, pursuing a way that we are connecting in a real way to know brother is deep.
• 10:15
  That's a heavy term.
• 10:16
  That should be more than referring to someone as Mister or Professor or Doctor, because that's what men are looking for.
• 10:24
  Especially as a new generation discovers Freemasonry, they are desperate for connection.
• 10:32
  and men never stop and say,"Hey, I'm feeling kinda lonely today." They just dive into social media deeper.
• 10:38
  They dive into superficial things where there's that lack of authentic connection and wonder,"Why don't I feel any sort of satisfaction?" So the goal of our beehive initiative is to make brotherhood a verb, something that we can feel that connection.
• 10:57
  The beehive meetings we've had are not solely a trauma dump.
• 11:01
  it's a conversation that spans the entire spectrum of topics and things going on in our lives.
• 11:09
  it was very, very powerful to see these guys share this stuff.
• 11:12
  and the cool part is, is that once these lodges do this on a regular basis, now we get to go back and say,"Hey, how is it going with your dad?
• 11:20
  How are you doing with that?
• 11:21
  Where are we at?" And we get an update, not just a one-time passing, as we say, drive by, you know?
• 11:27
  Um, but we wanna hear.
• 11:29
  We wanna make this into, like, a reality TV show almost, so where people, guys wanna come back to our groups week after week because they wanna hear how he's doing with this or how that happened for him or did he get that job.
• 11:39
  It's, it's the deeper con- it's a deeper connection.
• 11:42
  But the power is, too, is, it's, it's important to understand for the, for the Masons, is that this is different than lodge.
• 11:48
  We keep it, we, Mark and I purposely keep these separate from the lodge stuff because we don't want guys coming to lodge complaining about light bulbs and other things we talked about before.
• 11:58
  Things we complain about in our- Right stated meetings, yes Sure.
• 12:00
  You bet.
• 12:01
  I've, I've been at some of them.
• 12:02
  And, uh, and no, this is about,"Hey, how are you doing?" And, uh, you know what?
• 12:07
  And you probably heard me say it.
• 12:09
  "Honestly, how are you doing?
• 12:11
  don't tell me everything's fine.
• 12:13
  How are you doing?" And eventually they'll realize that, and they'll be able to offer that up without all the prompting.
• 12:19
  When we get past the,"I'm fine.
• 12:21
  I'm good," all the pleasantries, the weather, the golf game that sucks or what- whatever- Mm-hmm top of mind in that moment.
• 12:28
  And this has taken a little different shape in every lodge, and we're learning that as we go.
• 12:33
  There, there isn't a template to say, this is how the beehive initiative has to look.
• 12:38
  at a lodge in the central, in the metro, they're doing a brothers breakfast'cause they used to do a brothers breakfast- Mm-hmm but it didn't have a lot of dialogue or maybe much of a, a program tied to that.
• 12:49
  So they are restarting their brother's breakfast.
• 12:53
  I know in the southern part of the state, is doing after a meeting or a separate night from their stated meeting.
• 12:58
  Yep.
• 12:58
  So it's really up to the lodge what makes sense and who's available and how and where they wanna get together, because this doesn't have to be in the lodge building, but it could be a shared space where conversation can occur that is not full of distractions.
• 13:13
  it just needs to be purposeful, and we've said this from the get-go.
• 13:17
  You know, FACEit holds groups every other week, and that's what we do, and so it's easy for us.
• 13:21
  We have structures, we have ways, you know, we have facilitators in place, and, and guys know how they meet.
• 13:27
  Your guys are already committed to stated meetings, to other lodge commitments, and so this idea that they're gonna necessarily find a, a, a group every other week, it's probably more than most people can handle.
• 13:37
  If, if it works, great.
• 13:39
  However, you just talked about a breakfast.
• 13:42
  and it's purposeful, and it's designed to create a atmosphere where people know they're coming there to share.
• 13:49
  That right there, we're, we're...
• 13:51
  Uh, humans are actually quite efficient once they see something has a real ROI to it.
• 13:56
  And I'll just keep going back to what you said about guys who knew each other forever, in two hours actually now know each other better.
• 14:03
  Guys will begin to see the value of this very, very quickly, and they will find that,"You know what?
• 14:07
  I look forward to that breakfast because that's an opportunity to be the real me One of the other most impactful things I heard at that same meeting were two brothers that had been quarreling, bickering over a, a lodge issue.
• 14:22
  But now that they knew and had a better idea what was going on in each other's lives and some of the hard things or some of the, the struggles they were having, they made a bit of a truce, and they kinda laughed and said,"We, we may never agree on this thing that we're at odds over within the lodge, but you know what?
• 14:40
  I'm gonna take a little more gentle stance with you now moving forward,'cause I'm so grateful to know..." And they felt, they both felt a little foolish about it, but, but what a great to, to slow down a little bit and find out, okay, what, what makes you tick?
• 14:55
  What are you celebrating?
• 14:56
  What are you struggling with?
• 14:59
  This is an opportunity to enhance that bond of brotherhood that already exists, but to take it to a deeper level,'cause that is, that is what members are seeking, and this is a way we can, can find our way there.
• 15:12
  You know, I think that, you know, the old adage is that men don't, you know, wanna share or talk about their feelings or emotions, and we've said it forever at Face It.
• 15:19
  They just don't have the right place.
• 15:21
  What you're trying to do here with the Beehive is create the right place, create the right environment.
• 15:25
  I mean, this is just getting off the ground, and I've got a dozen stories now that will just melt people's hearts, right?
• 15:32
  I mean, we really do.
• 15:33
  What-- That the one you're talking about from back in August is that, uh, I asked the guy, I said,"What's one thing people closest to you don't know about you?" And he pointed at the guy sitting across the table and said,"He saved my life." Holy cow.
• 15:49
  Well, now they were both crying, but still, they were able to do that.
• 15:52
  I think about, about the other lodges that we've been to.
• 15:54
  There was a, a, a meeting we had recently with a, an older gentleman who, he shared about his wife with some health issues, and how, how tired he is of taking care of everything, and he feels all this pressure.
• 16:08
  I guys can listen to that and relate to that.
• 16:10
  One guy talked about being new into the divorce world.
• 16:14
  There were four guys in that group that had been through divorce that are a great resource for him, and those people should connect with him and try to help him navigate this.
• 16:23
  That's what comes out of this.
• 16:24
  You don't know what...
• 16:25
  How to help me if I don't ask for it, if I don't tell you.
• 16:28
  So- And if I don't know what's going on.
• 16:30
  Yeah.
• 16:30
  Yeah.
• 16:30
  Yeah.
• 16:30
  Yep.
• 16:31
  look at me.
• 16:31
  You think you look at me and think I've got my whole life all figured out, unless I tell you the truth.
• 16:37
  Don't you?
• 16:38
  I just look that way.
• 16:40
  Doesn't everybody?
• 16:42
  We all assume the guy next to us has no problems, no- Mm-hmm struggles, has their act together.
• 16:47
  They're just firing on all cylinders.
• 16:49
  Mm-hmm.
• 16:49
  And that perhaps makes us all a little bit reluctant- Yeah to s- well, God, he looks like he's got it together, but he doesn't want to hear about my challenge at work, or my relationship struggle, or whatever my teenagers that won't listen to me, or sending kids off to co- it could be anything.
• 17:05
  And everyone's different.
• 17:06
  You gotta realize when we start these things up, too, we don't expect you to spend 15 minutes telling everybody your deepest, darkest secret.
• 17:12
  The first one we went to, Mark, remember the one gentleman who said,"I got stuff in my life, but I ain't talking about it"?
• 17:18
  Okay.
• 17:18
  All right.
• 17:19
  Well, I'm glad you're here.
• 17:19
  Yeah.
• 17:20
  I'm glad you're here.
• 17:21
  and that's what, how that works.
• 17:25
  As the Beehive Initiative takes shape, we are building this blueprint as we go.
• 17:30
  There's no right way or there's no wrong way One of the challenges we've seen is maybe there's some Masons that are a little apprehensive about having a non-Mason leading the group.
• 17:44
  But long term, that won't be the case.
• 17:45
  Once the lodge gets up and running with this and has some more tips on how to structure these conversations, it's not about fixing each other.
• 17:55
  It's not a complaint fest.
• 17:58
  But once a lodge is ready to k- take this over on their own, they're gonna run these independently as we continue to roll these into lodges across the state that are interested.
• 18:09
  as we look at this opportunity, what are your thoughts on what's next?
• 18:15
  You know, I, I mean, I think the lodges we've worked with so far, I mean, here in Minneapolis, in, you know, in the metro area, it's easier for us to be part of.
• 18:23
  Bill has made an effort to travel down to southern Minnesota.
• 18:26
  I mean, the reality is, is we can't travel to know, we can't go to every lodge out there.
• 18:30
  So I think the challenge remains for any lodge out there that is interested, is the identification of leaders, and then they're gonna have to have the courage to step forward and chat with us and talk with us and have a couple of Zoom calls or telephone calls.
• 18:45
  And they may have to do these things without our support in person, but these are smart men in these lodges who can run these meetings, and we can learn from them.
• 18:54
  It's like Bill already mentioned about the left-handed golf club.
• 18:56
  All of this is going to feel awkward the first few times.
• 19:00
  It just is.
• 19:01
  But who has not taken on something of value and had to deal with the uncomfortable nature of it?
• 19:08
  And I think that is what this is really about.
• 19:10
  For the, for those of you out here listening to this who wanna be part of this beehive, let's go.
• 19:15
  We're waiting.
• 19:16
  We're right here just waiting to talk you through this.
• 19:19
  I think that's the important part is that if you're looking for things to be perfect, we need to have 15 guys, we need to do blah, blah.
• 19:26
  Uh, just let's go.
• 19:27
  Just start.
• 19:27
  Just start with something.
• 19:28
  You know what?
• 19:28
  Maybe it's a breakfast.
• 19:30
  Maybe it's four guys.
• 19:31
  I don't know.
• 19:31
  Maybe it's 12.
• 19:32
  Who knows?
• 19:32
  But just let's go, and let's start working on it, and then more people will come in.
• 19:37
  They will.
• 19:38
  Absolutely.
• 19:40
  For a Lodge brother that's wondering what are we trying to accomplish here, we're seeking to create space for real conversation and connection, something that enhances the existing Masonic infrastructure, the Masonic experience, where things like brotherhood, connection, acknowledging a worthy brother in distress, that those things are more than just platitudes or out of the script or lip service.
• 20:05
  How do we live these things?
• 20:06
  These are our core values.
• 20:07
  How do we be serviceable to one another?
• 20:11
  cognizant of what the brothers and friends and those closest to us are dealing with in life?
• 20:17
  Sometimes it's something we should celebrate.
• 20:19
  Sometimes it may be a more serious topic.
• 20:24
  It's a commitment to each other This isn't just, oh, you've gone through the motions, and now you're a Mason.
• 20:30
  It's so much deeper than that, We have seen so much momentum already, and this is in the early, early stages.
• 20:37
  I'm, I'm very excited about it and can't thank you guys enough for leading the way.
• 20:42
  You know, we've been to these, uh, couple of regional conferences that you guys are doing, and there's more to come.
• 20:47
  And long before this, everywhere we went and talked about this, you could see people are hungry for it.
• 20:52
  And, you know, I don't know much, but I do know that the deeper our relationships are, the happier and more content we all seem to be.
• 20:59
  And when things go sideways in our life, this idea of carrying them with, oh, I don't know, the help of others, I mean, it's probably the oldest cliché in the book, right?
• 21:08
  We have to act on these things.
• 21:10
  Smart people make changes, and guys need to understand that it's time to, it's time to go to work on building our relationships with others, despite what Dana White may think or believe.
• 21:20
  Well, and making the core values of Freemasonry is something we're living and not just talking about.
• 21:25
  And we're excited to have you both at our area conferences.
• 21:29
  For Minnesota Masons listening, check out Grandview into the events section.
• 21:33
  September 19th is the South Area Conference.
• 21:36
  You guys, one of the two of you will be in the Northeast on October 3rd, and the Northwest is on October 17th.
• 21:42
  There's gonna be a lot of great information that day, but more on the Beehive Collaborative that we are doing with Face It.
• 21:48
  Mark and Bill, thank you so much for being here again, let's keep this going.
• 21:52
  Thank you, and thanks to the Masons who are participating.
• 21:54
  You bet.
• 21:55
  We're looking forward to it.