Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #48 Teenage Privacy

Transcript

#48 Teenage Privacy · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

• 0:05
  Speaker 1: This is the Happy Family's podcast with doctor Justin Coulson
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  Speaker 1: where Luke and Susie and this is the podcast for
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  Speaker 1: the time poor parent who just wants answers now.
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  Speaker 2: In our conversations with him over time, I would predict
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  Speaker 2: that on the one hand, he would be one that's
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  Speaker 2: very keen on openness and I guess transparency in family relationships,
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  Speaker 2: especially as the children's transparency to the parents and vice versa.
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  Speaker 2: But then also I think you'd be equally as passionate
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  Speaker 2: about giving your kids some space and some freedom and
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  Speaker 2: to not have to be up in their grill on everything.
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  Speaker 2: And so this I think we will create a headbutt
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  Speaker 2: in his own values.
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  Speaker 1: Well, let's ask him doctor Justin Coulson from Happy Families
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  Speaker 1: dot com dot are you in the studio with us
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  Speaker 1: with a question from Christy Justin who asks about where
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  Speaker 1: do you draw the line for teenagers when it comes
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  Speaker 1: to privacy. Oh, there's no context to this, so I
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  Speaker 1: don't know if we're talking about online or whether we're
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  Speaker 1: talking about personal space.
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  Speaker 2: So you can have an argue amongst yourself.
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  Speaker 3: The clogs are turning already. Oh gosh, it's such a teenagers.
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  Speaker 4: I mean, I love what Shakespeare said in A Winter's Tale,
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  Speaker 4: I would that there were no age between sixteen and
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  Speaker 4: three and twenty.
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  Speaker 3: Or the youth would sleep out the rest.
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  Speaker 4: For in the between there is nothing but getting wenches
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  Speaker 4: with child, wronging the ancient tree, stealing and fighting. Now,
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  Speaker 4: obviously we don't get wenches with child anymore. That wouldn't
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  Speaker 4: be politically correct.
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  Speaker 3: And you know we have contraception anyway. But that's sixteen
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  Speaker 3: to twenty three.
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  Speaker 4: Oh my goodness, anyone who's been there or is there
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  Speaker 4: right now, unless you've got a remarkable teenager and they
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  Speaker 4: do exist. Boy a boy, it's tough privacy. Part of
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  Speaker 4: me wants to say they don't deserve any don't give
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  Speaker 4: them an inch, but the reality is that's not how
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  Speaker 4: it works. Let's talk about physical privacy. First of all,
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  Speaker 4: it's really important that you knock on the door before
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  Speaker 4: you enter a teenager's room, and that you let them
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  Speaker 4: know you need to stop bathing them and houring them
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  Speaker 4: by the time they're teenagers.
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  Speaker 3: Give them their privacy. Physical privacy is.
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  Speaker 2: Important, and put away the high chairs and stop spoon
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  Speaker 2: feeding them with everything.
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  Speaker 4: But there's also other issues around physical privacy, like you know,
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  Speaker 4: when they've got their friends over, do you let them
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  Speaker 4: go wherever they want and do whatever they want within
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  Speaker 4: the house. What about if you've got they've got their
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  Speaker 4: their boyfriend or the girlfriend over, do you let them
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  Speaker 4: go into the bedroom until all hours and lock the door?
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  Speaker 4: You know, those sorts of privacy issues are also needing
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  Speaker 4: to be thought through and negotiated. Now, normally, with kids
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  Speaker 4: up to about the age of fourteen or fifteen, you're
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  Speaker 4: still they're on that that you can still work with
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  Speaker 4: them reasonably well. At that point, while your influence is waning,
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  Speaker 4: you are still the parent and they are.
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  Speaker 3: Still deeply reliant on you.
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  Speaker 4: But once they hit about fifteen or sixteen, that's where
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  Speaker 4: it all starts to change. The pendulum swings to them
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  Speaker 4: and they kind of say, I don't care if it's
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  Speaker 4: your house, I don't care what your rules are. And again,
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  Speaker 4: not all teenagers like this, but the general average.
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  Speaker 2: Path not all as confrontational as.
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  Speaker 4: Certainly not many of them will just be passive. They'll
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  Speaker 4: be saying it in their head. They'll nod and smile
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  Speaker 4: and tell you everything you want to hear, and then
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  Speaker 4: they'll disappear and do whatever they want anyway, and actually
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  Speaker 4: that's what I deal with with parents most of the time.
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  Speaker 4: They said, my child's been lying to me for the
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  Speaker 4: last two years. I've just found out.
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  Speaker 3: Hard.
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  Speaker 4: It's devastating it, I mean, it's just heartbreaking. And you
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  Speaker 4: watch good parents who are loving and involved and have
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  Speaker 4: done all the quote unquote right stuff. They've given their
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  Speaker 4: kids everything that they should give them, and those children have,
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  Speaker 4: for whatever reason, become teenagers and started to demand things
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  Speaker 4: from them that just you know, don't seem right. So
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  Speaker 4: in terms of privacy, look, you've got to give them
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  Speaker 4: some privacy physically, but there's also got to be some guidelines,
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  Speaker 4: and there's no right and wrong. But what you want
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  Speaker 4: to do is negotiate it based on your personal values
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  Speaker 4: and your family values.
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  Speaker 2: Because I mean, let's be honest here, most of us
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  Speaker 2: are probably as parents struggling with this point because we
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  Speaker 2: know what we did when we were their age, and
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  Speaker 2: that is there we go. I didn't I was rotten,
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  Speaker 2: and I was I did things that mom and dad
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  Speaker 2: never knew about. And speak for yourself, that's true. She
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  Speaker 2: is the exception to the rule. She was an angel.
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  Speaker 2: But I know what I'm got up to, and soon
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  Speaker 2: as he knows what I've got up to, like, we've
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  Speaker 2: had those conversations. We don't want my kids to do that,
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  Speaker 2: so let's lock them up.
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  Speaker 4: It's funny, isn't it, Because we say we don't want
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  Speaker 4: our kids to do the dumb stuff that we did.
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  Speaker 4: We want them to be smarter than us, to be
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  Speaker 4: better than us, and yet they're gonna do it. And
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  Speaker 4: here's something that I've been tossing and turning over in
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  Speaker 4: my mind lately. As I had a conversation with one
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  Speaker 4: parent who was really struggling. They said to me, I've
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  Speaker 4: always insisted that my kids tell me the truth, but
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  Speaker 4: now that I know the truth, I wish that they'd
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  Speaker 4: just hidden it from me. I wish I didn't know,
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  Speaker 4: and that was sincere. They were like, I should have
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  Speaker 4: just given them their privacy. I should have let them
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  Speaker 4: have their life. Because the emotional turmoil that I've gone
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  Speaker 4: through for the last six months, knowing what my teenager
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  Speaker 4: is out there doing, it's tearing me apart. I would
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  Speaker 4: rather they lied to me and told me that they
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  Speaker 4: were going to their friends. Now again, I'm not recommending
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  Speaker 4: this is a strategy. What I'm doing is I'm empathizing
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  Speaker 4: and saying this is a tough time in terms of
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  Speaker 4: online privacy. Yes, different, different, Kellerfish. First of all, can
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  Speaker 4: I be really clear about this. Kids do not need
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  Speaker 4: to be on social media before well, they don't need
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  Speaker 4: to be on social media, Okay, let's be really about it.
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  Speaker 3: It's not a need, it's a want.
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  Speaker 4: But legally they're not supposed to be on social media
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  Speaker 4: until they're thirteen.
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  Speaker 3: And that's only.
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  Speaker 4: Because all of the platforms that run these social media sites, Facebook, Twitter, Tumblaw, Snapchat,
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  Speaker 4: yellow Kick, Instagram, and so on and so forth, they
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  Speaker 4: they have US federal law requirements collect data on.
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  Speaker 3: Anybody under the age of twelve.
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  Speaker 4: Yeah, which is why it's not because kids are mature
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  Speaker 4: enough when they're thirteen to have social media.
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  Speaker 3: I know adults who aren't.
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  Speaker 4: Mature enough to have social media, and so they're going
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  Speaker 4: to be on there from the age of thirteen. And
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  Speaker 4: I believe that in the early years of their online experience,
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  Speaker 4: their social media experience, we should be monitoring and we
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  Speaker 4: should have access to their accounts, and then as they
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  Speaker 4: demonstrate the capacity to use them, well, we should give
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  Speaker 4: them more and more privacy until they're allowed to have
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  Speaker 4: their own passwords. Now you can argue, well, you just
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  Speaker 4: keep their password for good, and that's fine, but once
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  Speaker 4: they're fifteen, they'll just create new accounts and you won't
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  Speaker 4: know about them.
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  Speaker 1: And my mum doesn't have my password.
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  Speaker 2: No mine does. But it's interesting because for that that
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  Speaker 2: doesn't intimidate me because by example, Susie and I have
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  Speaker 2: access to each other's stuff. Now we have complete pasts.
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  Speaker 2: There's nothing that is locked from each other. And so
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  Speaker 2: as an example, as our kids grow up, I would
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  Speaker 2: just see that as a natural they can see the transparency,
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  Speaker 2: can get into everything on my phone and my email
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  Speaker 2: and my and every now and then I just go
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  Speaker 2: someone's replied to an email that apparently like sense and
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  Speaker 2: she goes, I saw it there, and I replied to it.
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  Speaker 4: But look, look, you're thinking like an adult. Once you
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  Speaker 4: become a fifteen year old boy who has a love
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  Speaker 4: interest or six and who wants to share memes that
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  Speaker 4: parents may not approve of because of some of the
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  Speaker 4: content in those memes, or wants to look stuff up
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  Speaker 4: that parents are going to be happy about, that's where
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  Speaker 4: it starts to get tricky. And this is where as parents,
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  Speaker 4: we rely on the very best teaching in the early
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  Speaker 4: years and then at some point we have to just
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  Speaker 4: defer to them.
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  Speaker 3: We have to we have to give it up. We
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  Speaker 3: can't control them right throughout.
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  Speaker 2: I joked before about knowing what I did, and I
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  Speaker 2: guess this is a backing up what you just said. There.
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  Speaker 2: There was a moment where I was about to make
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  Speaker 2: a really massive mistake, and I'm not going to go
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  Speaker 2: into the details of what it was, but it was
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  Speaker 2: very teaching, and the end of this night, the friends
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  Speaker 2: I was with ended up in jail weeks later. I
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  Speaker 2: didn't because in this moment, at ninety five percent committed
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  Speaker 2: to this bad decision, all of what my mum and
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  Speaker 2: dad taught me value wise was just spinning around inside
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  Speaker 2: of me, and I took a step in the different
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  Speaker 2: direction and almost at the time regretted, almost felt weak
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  Speaker 2: and scared. But it's that moment was the thing that
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  Speaker 2: stopped me having huge consequences, And it was because of
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  Speaker 2: the values, not the individual moments that I wasn't going
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  Speaker 2: to make mistakes, but the values that they drive. Not
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  Speaker 2: everyone's that lucky, but maybe if you teach enough of
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  Speaker 2: the principles beforehand, when it comes to a situation like that, maybe,
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  Speaker 2: just maybe you've given them enough.
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  Speaker 4: I'm going to say most of the time, most kids
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  Speaker 4: are going to do the right thing at some point.
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  Speaker 4: But again, experience has told me that you can do
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  Speaker 4: everything right as a parent.
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  Speaker 3: You can teach all those values.
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  Speaker 4: And you may just have one child who falls in
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  Speaker 4: with the wrong crowd or ends up with the wrong
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  Speaker 4: boyfriend or girlfriend who pushes them into places that you
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  Speaker 4: don't want them to go. Ultimately, and it's such a
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  Speaker 4: hard thing to say, but ultimately, we teach them the
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  Speaker 4: very best we can we could coon them while they're young.
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  Speaker 4: We pre arm them through their tween and early teen
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  Speaker 4: years and we say here's the stuff that could happen,
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  Speaker 4: and it's my job to protect you. And they're still
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  Speaker 4: open to that until about twelve thirteen, fourteen, and then
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  Speaker 4: once they hit about fifteen. We do our best to
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  Speaker 4: keep them close. We do our best to keep teaching them,
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  Speaker 4: but unfortunately they do start to push themselves away from us.
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  Speaker 4: They separate from us, they create their own identity. And
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  Speaker 4: the harder we push, the more we demand that they
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  Speaker 4: not have their privacy, that they give up their passwords,
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  Speaker 4: that they tell us everything.
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  Speaker 3: The sneakier they get that while.
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  Speaker 4: I say, you're intruding on my autonomy, You're forcing me
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  Speaker 4: to do stuff, and they rebel.
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  Speaker 1: It's good to be to.
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  Speaker 2: Not going to happen.
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  Speaker 1: Because when I was thinking about what you said about
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  Speaker 1: you don't want them to be like you as a teenager,
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  Speaker 1: I thought, you don't. You don't win by playing not
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  Speaker 1: to lose. Our goal isn't for them to not turn
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  Speaker 1: out like you. Our goal is for them to be
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  Speaker 1: the best them. And I think, yeah, some great wisdom there,
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  Speaker 1: Doctor Justin Coulson from Happyfamilies dot com dot are you
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  Speaker 1: thank you for unpacking Christy's question with us.
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  Speaker 3: I've just got to throw one more quick thing in.
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  Speaker 4: Sometimes we just have to be patient with their bad decisions.
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  Speaker 4: Sometimes when we override their privacy and we find out
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  Speaker 4: what they've been doing and we fall apart and we think,
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  Speaker 4: my goodness, the world has ended. Maybe it feels like
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  Speaker 4: it actually has. But if we're patient once again, if
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  Speaker 4: they've been well taught, most of them will wake up.
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  Speaker 4: It might take them a month, it might take them
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  Speaker 4: a year, it might take them a few years, but
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  Speaker 4: they will wake up and they will mature, and most
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  Speaker 4: of them will get their act together.
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  Speaker 2: Good. That's reassuring to hear, and it's a good reminder
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  Speaker 2: that even in the midst of every bit of hurt
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  Speaker 2: and pain and anguish and everything we feel, don't destroy
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  Speaker 2: that relationship. Give them the place to come back to
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  Speaker 2: when they need to.
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  Speaker 1: Dr Justin Callson from Happy families dot com that are you.
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  Speaker 1: Thank you so much.
• 11:00
  Speaker 3: Thanks guys.
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  Speaker 1: There are loads of resources available to help you as
• 11:04
  Speaker 1: a parent in your journey to try and make your
• 11:06
  Speaker 1: family happier. You can find out more about those at
• 11:09
  Speaker 1: happy families dot com dot au. Or if you're interested
• 11:12
  Speaker 1: in having doctor Justin Coulson speak at your school, community group,
• 11:15
  Speaker 1: or organization or event, you can find out that information
• 11:18
  Speaker 1: at his website, Justincuilson dot com.