Latest / New Manager Conversations with Fexingo: First 90 Days, Managing Former Peers, and Leadership Basics / How New Managers Can Use One-on-Ones as Coaching Tools
Transcript
- Lucas: So let me start with a number that surprised me. I was looking at a survey from last quarter of about two hundred first-time managers, and the stat was this: the average new manager spends seventy percent of their one-on-one talking, updating, directing. Luna: Seventy percent? That's almost the opposite of what a one-on-one should be. Lucas: Exactly. And when I dug into it, most of those managers said they felt like they had to prove their value by being the one with answers. But the best managers I've interviewed — the ones with the highest retention and promotion rates — they flip that ratio. They spend maybe twenty percent of the time talking, and the rest asking questions. Luna: So it's an 80/20 rule for listening versus speaking? Lucas: Right. And I want to anchor today's episode on exactly how to make that shift, because it sounds simple but it is hard. A coaching-style one-on-one doesn't happen just because you decide to talk less. You need a framework. Luna: Walk me through it. What's the first concrete change a new manager should make? Lucas: First, change the structure of your agenda. Most new managers start with 'what I need to tell you' at the top. Flip it. Start with 'what's on your mind?' And then stay quiet. Let them fill the silence. Luna: That's hard for a new manager — especially one who was just a peer. The silence can feel awkward. Lucas: It is awkward. But there's a trick. You can say something like, 'I want to hear what's most important for you right now. Take a moment.' And then you literally count to ten in your head. I've seen managers who do that and the first few seconds are quiet, but then the direct report opens up about something they'd never put on a status report. Luna: Okay, so the first step is silence and an open-ended question. What's next? Lucas: Then you start deploying three specific types of questions. I call them discovery, reflection, and ownership. Discovery questions are about facts and context — 'what's happening with the X project?' Reflection questions are about what they think — 'how do you feel that went?' Ownership questions are about what they'll do — 'what's your plan?' Luna: So the manager is basically a guide, not the hero. Lucas: Exactly. Let me give you a real example. I talked to a first-time manager at a mid-sized SaaS company — about three hundred employees — named Priya. She was promoted from senior developer to team lead six months ago. In her first month, she was spending almost the whole one-on-one telling her reports what to do. Her team engagement score was sixty-two out of a hundred. Luna: That's not great. Lucas: No. So she worked with an internal coach and committed to the 80/20 rule. She printed out a little card that said 'listen, ask, reflect' and taped it to her laptop. Within two quarters, her team engagement score went to seventy-seven. Luna: Fifteen points. That's a big jump. Lucas: And her direct reports started solving problems on their own that previously they'd escalated to her. One of her engineers told me, 'Priya used to give me the answer in five minutes. Now she asks me three questions and I figure it out in an hour.' That's the coaching dividend. Luna: I love that. But let me push back a little. What about when a direct report just wants the answer? Some people come in and say, 'Just tell me what to do.' Luna: I've seen that too, especially with newer employees who are used to being told what to do. Lucas: That's a real tension. And the answer is not to refuse to ever give direction. That would be bad management. But you can frame it. Say, 'I could give you my answer, and it might be fine. But let's spend five minutes brainstorming your approach first, and then I'll share my perspective.' That way you're still coaching, but you're also meeting their need for clarity. Luna: So it's not all-or-nothing. You're adding structure around the answer. Lucas: Exactly. And over time, the direct report gets used to the rhythm. They start coming to the one-on-one with their own answers. The shift from 'tell me what to do' to 'here's what I think, what do you think?' is the single best sign that coaching is working. Luna: Let's talk about the third type — ownership questions. Give me a concrete example of how to use those. Lucas: Sure. A typical ownership question is 'what are you going to do about this, and by when?' But a better version is 'what's your first step, and how will you know if it worked?' That forces them to define success and accountability. I saw a manager use that with a direct report who kept missing deadlines. Instead of saying 'you need to be on time,' they asked, 'what's one thing you can change this week to hit your next deadline?' The report came up with a plan to block focus time. And because it was their idea, they stuck to it. Luna: That's the coaching sweet spot — they own the solution. Lucas: Right. And the manager saves their energy for the bigger stuff. Because here's the thing — if you're solving every problem in one-on-ones, you're going to burn out. Coaching is scalable. Luna: Before we go deeper, I want to pause on something that feels relevant. We talk a lot about the mechanics of management on this show, and it's easy to forget that just having these conversations is valuable. If today's episode gave you a concrete tool you'll use this week — even just one question — honestly, it was worth it to us. If that's the case, you can support the show at buy me a coffee dot com slash fexingo. No pressure, just a way to keep this ad-free. Lucas: Yeah, and we really mean that. The fact that you're spending time thinking about how to be a better manager is the main thing. But listener support does help us keep going. Okay, back to the 80/20 rule — let's talk about what happens when you're the one who actually needs to share information. Luna: Right, because eventually you have to give updates, feedback, or direction. Lucas: Exactly. The rule is not 'never talk.' It's about proportion. So when you do need to share something, front-load it. Say, 'I have three updates I need to share, and then I want to hear your thoughts.' That way the direct report knows what's coming and doesn't feel like you're just monologuing. Luna: And then you hand the mic back to them. Lucas: Exactly. Another technique is to ask a question after you share. 'I think we should shift priorities to X. What am I missing?' That invites them into the decision, even if you've already made it. Luna: That builds trust, because they feel heard. Lucas: And it catches blind spots. I've seen a manager propose a new process and a direct report pointed out a dependency that would have broken everything. If the manager had just announced it, they'd have a mess. Luna: So the mindset shift is from 'I am the answer person' to 'I am the question asker.' Lucas: That's the whole episode in one sentence. But let me add one more practical tip: take notes during the one-on-one. Not just on tasks, but on themes. If you notice a pattern over three weeks — like the same kind of problem keeps coming up — you can ask, 'I've noticed this theme. What do you think is driving it?' That's coaching at the meta-level. Luna: I love that. It shows you're paying attention to their growth, not just their output. Lucas: And it's a signal that you see them as a person, not just a resource. That alone can shift the dynamic. Luna: Let me ask you this — how do you maintain the 80/20 rule when you're managing a team of, say, eight or ten people? Because that's a lot of one-on-ones, and you might feel pressure to be efficient. Lucas: That's a great point. The temptation is to treat one-on-ones as quick check-ins. But if you're coaching, you need to protect that time. Some of the best managers I know keep their one-on-ones at thirty minutes, no exceptions, and they prepare in advance. They write down two or three coaching questions before the meeting. That way they're not winging it. Luna: So preparation is key. What about when you have a direct report who is resistant to being coached? Some people just want you to tell them what to do. Lucas: I'd start with a conversation about how you want to work together. Say, 'I want our one-on-ones to be as useful as possible for you. Some people prefer I give direct answers, others prefer I ask questions. What works for you?' That opens the door. And then you can negotiate. Maybe it's a mix: five minutes of info sharing, then twenty-five minutes of coaching. Luna: That's respectful. You're not forcing a style on them. Lucas: Exactly. And eventually, most people come around when they see that coaching leads to better outcomes. Because when they solve problems themselves, they learn faster and they feel more confident. That's the win-win. Luna: I want to circle back to Priya's story. She went from seventy percent talking to twenty percent. What was the biggest challenge in making that shift? Lucas: She told me the hardest part was unlearning the habit of jumping in. She'd hear a pause and want to fill it. So she set a rule for herself: before she speaks, she has to ask a question. Even if it's a dumb question. And that pause — that one beat — was enough to let the other person think. Luna: That's a great hack. So the question becomes a gatekeeper. Lucas: Exactly. And after a few weeks, her direct reports started coming to the one-on-ones with their own topics. They felt ownership. That's when you know the coaching culture is taking root. Luna: So the ultimate goal is that the one-on-one becomes their meeting, not yours. Lucas: Yes. And as a new manager, that can feel like losing control. But in reality, you're gaining leverage. Because when your team gets better at solving problems, you get to focus on strategy, on the bigger picture. That's the whole point of moving into management. Luna: I think that's a great place to leave it. The one-on-one as coaching tool — a simple shift with big impact. Lucas: And if you try it this week, even just one meeting, I'd love to hear how it goes. We're always on the lookout for real stories from listeners. Luna: Same here. Thanks for the conversation, Lucas. Lucas: Thanks, Luna.