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Put Your Wallets Away and Raise Rich Kids · Live Your Legacy

0:00
SPEAKER_03: Welcome to Live Your Legacy.
0:04
SPEAKER_03: Where every story holds a turning point.
0:09
SPEAKER_03: And every turning point holds the power of legacy.
0:14
SPEAKER_01: Welcome to Live Your Legacy, the conversational podcast where we explore how life's defining moments shape the legacy we leave behind.
0:23
SPEAKER_01: I'm your host, Patricia D.
0:24
SPEAKER_01: Fordenberg, also known as Patty from New York.
0:27
SPEAKER_01: This show is rooted in a simple truth.
0:30
SPEAKER_01: Grief is not always about death.
0:31
SPEAKER_01: Sometimes it comes through life's changes, losses, detours, and new beginnings.
0:37
SPEAKER_01: Here we speak with entrepreneurs, authors, leaders, and creators who have turned life's defining moments into meaningful work and lasting contributions.
0:47
SPEAKER_01: Because legacy is not only what we leave behind, it's what we are shaping right now through vision, impact, and purpose.
0:55
SPEAKER_01: And today I am honored to welcome our special guest, Rosemary Allender, who is an author, parenting educator, speaker, and through her coffee wisdom parenting method, Rosemary shows parents and educators how to strengthen their bond with children and raise them to become grounded, successful human beings, not by spending more money, but by showing up with more presence.
1:23
SPEAKER_01: Rosemary, how are you at the moment?
1:26
SPEAKER_01: Thank you for being a guest.
1:27
SPEAKER_01: And let us know where you're coming in from and a little bit more about the work that you do.
1:31
SPEAKER_01: Rosemary, over to you.
1:33
SPEAKER_00: Okay.
1:34
SPEAKER_00: I'm from Central New York, Syracuse, New York, which is up near the Adirondack, just below the Adirondix in the center of the state.
1:41
SPEAKER_00: And I'm an educator.
1:42
SPEAKER_00: I've been working for over 50 years with families.
1:45
SPEAKER_00: Let us know where you're coming in from and what brought you here today.
1:48
SPEAKER_00: Okay.
1:49
SPEAKER_00: I'm from Syracuse, New York, and I've been working for over 50 years with families and educators, talking with them about what kids need in the schools, what they need at home, those kinds of things.
2:02
SPEAKER_00: The reason I'm here now is because 30 years ago, more than 30 years ago now, my dad was, my dad was dying and he was in the hospital, and we had a very interesting conversation before he passed.
2:15
SPEAKER_00: The last words that he chose to say to me were, I need to apologize to you and your sister, Tony, for leaving you with nothing.
2:25
SPEAKER_00: And it was like an arrow to my heart.
2:27
SPEAKER_00: I didn't know what he meant because I had my sister and I had been talking about the fact that we didn't know what we were going to do when we lost him because he was such a pivotal point and so much a factor in how rich we were in spirit and in success personally and professionally, having nothing to do with money.
2:48
SPEAKER_00: So I said to him, I don't know what you're talking about, Dad.
2:51
SPEAKER_00: You have given us everything we ever needed.
2:54
SPEAKER_00: And he said, But I'm dying.
2:56
SPEAKER_00: There's no money in the bank.
2:57
SPEAKER_00: The house isn't worth very much.
2:59
SPEAKER_00: The car is a used car.
3:01
SPEAKER_00: I'm leaving you with virtually nothing.
3:03
SPEAKER_00: I said, those are not, the material things are not the things that make someone rich.
3:08
SPEAKER_00: What made us rich is you.
3:12
SPEAKER_00: We are your legacy.
3:14
SPEAKER_00: We are what we are because of you.
3:17
SPEAKER_00: And he didn't understand that.
3:19
SPEAKER_00: So I said, okay, you rest, listen to me.
3:22
SPEAKER_00: And for the next 40 minutes, I talked about non-material gifts that okay.
3:31
SPEAKER_00: So anyway, so I spoke with him and basically said, Look, you gave us gifts like the gift of time, the gift of presence, your presence in our lives, the gift of trust, and the gift of humor that allowed us to get through the tough times our whole life.
3:50
SPEAKER_00: You trained us to deal with anything that comes our way.
3:54
SPEAKER_00: And my father, the reason the book is called Coffee and Wisdom, a father's legacy to leading a rich life, is because my dad and I sat at the kitchen table almost every week, day, night.
4:09
SPEAKER_00: The routine was, he would come and get me when I was doing homework, even from when I was little, and he'd say, Come in the kitchen, have a glass of milk and some cookies.
4:17
SPEAKER_00: Let's talk.
4:17
SPEAKER_00: And we would spend time talking together at the kitchen table.
4:22
SPEAKER_00: As I got older, it was coffee and cookies and crackers and all of that.
4:26
SPEAKER_00: And we would talk longer.
4:28
SPEAKER_00: But my father was a master at taking a conversation apart and not letting me get away with just one or two words.
4:37
SPEAKER_00: If he would say, How was school today?
4:38
SPEAKER_00: And I would say, Oh, it was okay.
4:39
SPEAKER_00: That wasn't good enough for him.
4:41
SPEAKER_00: He would take a conversation and peel it like an onion.
4:44
SPEAKER_00: And he would say, What do you mean by it was just okay?
4:48
SPEAKER_00: Did you have a problem?
4:49
SPEAKER_00: No.
4:49
SPEAKER_00: Was it good?
4:50
SPEAKER_00: What did you do that excited you?
4:52
SPEAKER_00: So he taught very early on, he taught me to think critically.
4:57
SPEAKER_00: Now, my sister and I are 13 and a half years apart.
5:00
SPEAKER_00: I started college the day she started kindergarten.
5:04
SPEAKER_00: Wow.
5:05
SPEAKER_00: Yes, quite a span.
5:07
SPEAKER_00: But he was the same man with her as he was with me and did the same kinds of things with her that he did with me, all those many years later.
5:14
SPEAKER_00: But he taught me to be a good observer of life.
5:18
SPEAKER_00: And one of the things I started to see was that I lived in a in Rome, New York, which is a small town.
5:25
SPEAKER_00: I'm familiar.
5:26
SPEAKER_00: Very very dichotomy.
5:30
SPEAKER_00: Very yeah, very dichotomous.
5:33
SPEAKER_00: There was a lake with a lot of people that lived in big, beautiful houses around the lake.
5:37
SPEAKER_00: Their parents, the friends that I had from there, their parents owned businesses, were lawyers, doctors, all of that.
5:44
SPEAKER_00: And then there were the city folks where I came from.
5:47
SPEAKER_00: We were like middle class and our parents were city workers.
5:51
SPEAKER_00: My dad owned a small business.
5:53
SPEAKER_00: And one of the things I observed is that my friends from the lake crowd, who I was in a lot of classes with, they were no happier than my friends in the city, even though they had their own cars, they had the best clothes, they went on trips, they were not happier.
6:10
SPEAKER_00: And that got me thinking, well, what's this thing about happiness?
6:15
SPEAKER_00: What is it?
6:16
SPEAKER_00: And I started to see that it's about core values and character.
6:22
SPEAKER_00: And my father was a master at training and teaching those things.
6:26
SPEAKER_00: So the book is 12 chapters, 12 different non-material gifts, which is why I say, put your wallets away and raise rich kids.
6:35
SPEAKER_00: It's not about money, it's not about material things.
6:38
SPEAKER_00: And each chapter talks about a gift, the power of that gift, how that gift was imparted to me, and then some suggestions for parents on how they could bring that into their family more than they already are, or if they haven't done it yet.
6:57
SPEAKER_00: So that's that's essentially the book.
6:59
SPEAKER_01: Oh, yeah, I get it.
7:01
SPEAKER_01: I get it.
7:01
SPEAKER_01: I like this, and I love to share this message with the world.
7:04
SPEAKER_01: So I think you answered my first question because you were just right on it, which was can you take us back a moment and share a pivotal moment that changed the direction of your life?
7:13
SPEAKER_00: So I think you answered that.
7:15
SPEAKER_00: That moment definitely got me started down the road of reflection.
7:19
SPEAKER_00: Okay.
7:20
SPEAKER_00: But I was working for so many years after that.
7:22
SPEAKER_00: And it wasn't until COVID hit that I said, oh, now I have the time to take all my notes and put it together and do something with it.
7:31
SPEAKER_00: And my intent was to honor my dad.
7:34
SPEAKER_00: What happened though is as beta readers read my book, and it's small, it's easy to read, and it's a guidebook.
7:41
SPEAKER_00: It's not the kind of thing you read front to back, but you pick it up and do it by chapter, maybe.
7:46
SPEAKER_00: And I looked at that and I said, okay, so let's get this out, let's get this out to parents and educators who need to start bringing into their work as parents and as teachers, more character building, more richness in kids.
8:07
SPEAKER_00: We need kinder, happier humans walking around than we have right now.
8:12
SPEAKER_00: And people said to me, in this day and age, with what's going on in the world and what's going on in this country, you need to get this message out and you need to get it out far.
8:21
SPEAKER_00: Because in 2024, the Healthy Minds Study started looking at where we are mentally, what our mental stamina is.
8:30
SPEAKER_00: And a lot of several major institutions were involved in it.
8:34
SPEAKER_00: And what they found, which was quite disturbing, is that more the number of college students who are on antidepressants has more than doubled in the last decade.
8:46
SPEAKER_00: And the number of children, young children, elementary school, middle school, being diagnosed with anxiety disorders is escalating rapidly.
8:56
SPEAKER_00: Something's wrong.
8:57
SPEAKER_00: We need to fix that.
8:58
SPEAKER_00: We need to fix that.
9:00
SPEAKER_00: So my goal is to help and support parents and educators use easy to use tools and strategies to do a few things.
9:08
SPEAKER_00: One, to reduce their stress that they're feeling from time constraints that are causing them frustration and overwhelm.
9:15
SPEAKER_00: When in our hustle culture, good parenting is being equated to doing more and buying more.
9:22
SPEAKER_00: And that's not true.
9:24
SPEAKER_00: That's not true.
9:25
SPEAKER_00: What I would say to parents who are sitting across from me and say things like, We don't have a lot of money.
9:30
SPEAKER_00: I can't do a lot for my kids.
9:32
SPEAKER_00: I'd say, hold on, hold on.
9:35
SPEAKER_00: The only thing your child needs from you, other than food to eat and survive, and a roof over their head and clothing and warmth is you.
9:46
SPEAKER_00: You're the only other thing that they need, and you're here.
9:49
SPEAKER_00: You've got everything you need to give your kids.
9:53
SPEAKER_00: Essentials, the bearing.
9:55
SPEAKER_01: Exactly.
9:55
SPEAKER_00: So I want to help, I want to help guide parents and educators to feel less stressed about it.
10:01
SPEAKER_00: And parenting is a journey.
10:04
SPEAKER_00: It's not a destination.
10:05
SPEAKER_00: I know they hand you a baby and say you're a parent now, but really parenting is a journey.
10:11
SPEAKER_00: And like energy, any journey you take, it is fraught with dead ends, having to back up, going down the wrong way, saying, I don't want to do that again, finding beautiful things, really exploring and reflecting on what your life is and all the blessings in your life.
10:31
SPEAKER_00: So that is all good to do and good to pay attention to with okay, what are we doing?
10:37
SPEAKER_00: What can we reflect on?
10:39
SPEAKER_00: And then these non-this bundle of non-monetary gifts will help kids become rich, resilient, and independent and confident and happy.
10:49
SPEAKER_00: For example, I people ask, what's what do you think is the most important gift your dad gave you, or one of the most important?
10:57
SPEAKER_00: And I always go back to humor.
11:00
SPEAKER_00: My dad had a great sense of humor.
11:02
SPEAKER_00: He didn't stand up and tell jokes, he just believed that every situation is an opportunity to grow from and to learn from.
11:14
SPEAKER_00: And if you can find the humor in this, let me give you a reflection around humor, the kind of thing my father did.
11:20
SPEAKER_00: Melbrooke says that humor is just another defense against the universe.
11:25
SPEAKER_00: And I believe that to be true.
11:28
SPEAKER_00: One of the things that happened with my dad was I was helping him install an air, a window air conditioner on the second floor of our apartment.
11:39
SPEAKER_00: And as he moved it, it went over my little finger.
11:43
SPEAKER_00: And I pulled my hand back.
11:44
SPEAKER_00: And when I did that, it forced the air conditioner to go out the window and down two flights, two flights, two stories.
11:54
SPEAKER_00: And I thought, okay, I'm gonna be in trouble here.
11:56
SPEAKER_00: And my father just basically laughed.
12:00
SPEAKER_00: And I said, What are you laughing about?
12:02
SPEAKER_00: And he said, look out the window.
12:04
SPEAKER_00: He goes, That puppy's dead.
12:06
SPEAKER_00: And I said, We need it.
12:07
SPEAKER_00: And he said, Yeah, but nobody got hurt, nobody's down there.
12:12
SPEAKER_00: We can buy another one when we get the money, and we'll use fans in the me in the meantime.
12:17
SPEAKER_00: So that was his way of infusing some humor into a situation that could have been really negative.
12:24
SPEAKER_00: He could have yelled at me, he could have said, Why'd you do that?
12:27
SPEAKER_00: None of that happened.
12:28
SPEAKER_00: And that's the kind of thing that he did because he really believed that if you could find the humor in a situation, you can get through it better.
12:34
SPEAKER_00: Does that make sense?
12:35
SPEAKER_00: Are you I can't hear me?
12:37
SPEAKER_00: Oh, absolutely.
12:38
SPEAKER_01: Um do what you can with what you have.
12:41
SPEAKER_00: You're still hearing me.
12:43
SPEAKER_01: Okay.
12:43
SPEAKER_01: I tell if you're hearing me or not.
12:45
SPEAKER_01: I'm just and I'm just sharing in the background.
12:47
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, we I hear you.
12:49
SPEAKER_01: I hope you could hear me.
12:50
SPEAKER_01: And again, we're muscling through these times, whatever you want to call them.
12:54
SPEAKER_01: But the idea is I'm sharing now your book on screen because we don't see you, but we do hear you.
13:01
SPEAKER_01: So again, you're it's funny, you're like, you must have read my notes because you're answering these questions before I asked them.
13:07
SPEAKER_01: Again, maybe you want to go a little deeper.
13:09
SPEAKER_01: But my other question was what challenge would you say was a blessing in disguise?
13:14
SPEAKER_01: But that story right there seemed to be one.
13:16
SPEAKER_01: But go ahead and expand a little bit more if you'd like to answer that question.
13:20
SPEAKER_01: What challenge would you say was a blessing in disguise?
13:24
SPEAKER_00: Okay.
13:25
SPEAKER_00: One of the biggest challenges I ever had in my life was when I had to switch my careers.
13:34
SPEAKER_00: I had gone off to college to become a pediatrician, and I really wanted to be a pediatrician.
13:41
SPEAKER_00: And I could not, for the life of me, pass calculus, which is a gatekeeper math course for becoming a physician, and realized very quickly that if I did become a physician, I probably would kill somebody because I have math, I have a math issue, and I probably would have overdosed somebody.
14:00
SPEAKER_00: But I was very distressed.
14:02
SPEAKER_00: And my father said to me, and I talked to him on the phone because I was in college at the time, and I called him and I go, Dad, what do I do?
14:08
SPEAKER_00: And he said, he goes, go see your counselor and explore the possibilities of what you might do instead and talk with him about it.
14:17
SPEAKER_00: Think about what really will bring you joy and why you chose, why did you want to be a doctor?
14:25
SPEAKER_00: So I went and talked with my guidance counselor and I told him, and he said, Your father's very smart.
14:32
SPEAKER_00: Let's explore that.
14:33
SPEAKER_00: Why do you want to be a doctor?
14:34
SPEAKER_00: I said, I want to work with children.
14:36
SPEAKER_00: I want to work with children who have disabilities and problems medically.
14:43
SPEAKER_00: And he said, Why don't you become a speech pathologist?
14:47
SPEAKER_00: And I thought, what is that?
14:49
SPEAKER_00: I didn't know I didn't know what it was at the time.
14:52
SPEAKER_00: I said, What is that?
14:53
SPEAKER_00: He said, You could work in a hospital or a school.
14:55
SPEAKER_00: You would work with children, and you would work with children with all kinds of disabilities and speech problems and some medical problems that you would have to work around.
15:04
SPEAKER_00: And I said, Okay, and I did it.
15:06
SPEAKER_00: And I'll tell you, it was the best thing I ever did because it put me with delightful children and families, and it put me in a position to be able to really help a lot of parents of kids with all kinds of disabilities and teachers who needed to work with kids with disabilities.
15:26
SPEAKER_00: So that has been a game changer for me.
15:28
SPEAKER_00: It was great.
15:29
SPEAKER_01: That yeah, that definitely sounds like a blessing in disguise, wanting one thing, and then something else came out of it.
15:36
SPEAKER_01: Oh beautiful story.
15:38
SPEAKER_01: Thank you.
15:38
SPEAKER_01: We got some love again.
15:39
SPEAKER_01: We we we have some people saying, Oh, this is good.
15:42
SPEAKER_01: That's from Bella.
15:44
SPEAKER_01: And again, thank you so much for sharing your stories and having the patience to get through this interview here because our internet has definitely been challenging.
15:53
SPEAKER_01: I said in more than enough time, so I'll stop with that.
15:56
SPEAKER_01: But nonetheless, we do hear you loud and clear.
15:58
SPEAKER_01: So that's the good news.
15:59
SPEAKER_01: And if you're listening to the podcast when we drop it on Thursday, then you don't have anything to worry about.
16:05
SPEAKER_01: The next question is this who has been the most memorable mentor in your life and why?
16:11
SPEAKER_01: And you might have shared already, but maybe not.
16:13
SPEAKER_01: And again, don't limit yourself to one.
16:15
SPEAKER_01: If there's more than one because you just can't choose, I'm getting it.
16:18
SPEAKER_01: Go ahead and share with us your most memorable mentor in your life and why.
16:23
SPEAKER_01: Okay.
16:24
SPEAKER_00: Obviously, the most memorable was my dad, obviously.
16:28
SPEAKER_00: But looking past that, another mentor I had was my guidance counselor that I had in junior high school from ninth grade.
16:38
SPEAKER_00: And then when I went to high school, he went to high school.
16:41
SPEAKER_00: He was an incredible man who made me believe that I could do more than I was doing.
16:50
SPEAKER_00: He put me in honors classes, even though my test scores were not great.
16:54
SPEAKER_00: He recognized that I was not a good test taker.
16:58
SPEAKER_00: He was a psychologist by trade.
17:00
SPEAKER_00: And he said, You're a terrible test taker, but you're smart enough to be in the honors classes.
17:05
SPEAKER_00: Well, I didn't want to be in the honors classes because it meant I had to work harder.
17:09
SPEAKER_00: It also meant I was with all the kids from the lake crowd, and I wasn't with any of my friends that I hung out with most of the time from the city.
17:16
SPEAKER_00: But he wouldn't budge.
17:18
SPEAKER_00: He said, No, you are going to do this.
17:20
SPEAKER_00: And he pushed me and pushed me.
17:22
SPEAKER_00: And I made honors society.
17:24
SPEAKER_00: I did all kinds of great things, and he was always there.
17:27
SPEAKER_00: When I wrote my first book, he was one of my ARC readers and helped me put it together.
17:34
SPEAKER_00: And then he became, interestingly enough, my first job.
17:40
SPEAKER_00: The I was teaching at the School for the Deaf in Rome, and I had my own classroom, and in walks this woman to be my teacher assistant.
17:48
SPEAKER_00: And again, I had no idea what a teacher assistant was supposed to do.
17:51
SPEAKER_00: And she said, Whatever you need me to do.
17:53
SPEAKER_00: Come to find out, she was the wife of my high school guidance counselor.
17:57
SPEAKER_00: Wow.
17:58
SPEAKER_00: I know.
17:59
SPEAKER_00: Talk about Durandipany.
18:00
SPEAKER_00: And God, I'm sure, put her right in front of me because we maintained a friendship from that point on.
18:08
SPEAKER_00: And that was in 19.
18:09
SPEAKER_00: We maintained that friendship until five years ago when he passed away.
18:13
SPEAKER_00: He was like a second dad to me.
18:15
SPEAKER_00: He was the man I would go to for information about disabilities and say, What would you do with a kid who's autistic, who's on the spectrum, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
18:24
SPEAKER_00: And he would help me.
18:25
SPEAKER_00: So he was a great, he was a great mentor.
18:27
SPEAKER_01: Wow.
18:27
SPEAKER_01: We got some more love on the screen.
18:29
SPEAKER_01: We got viewers belling the rugby.
18:32
SPEAKER_01: What a blessing she says.
18:33
SPEAKER_01: And it really does sound like it.
18:35
SPEAKER_01: That's great.
18:35
SPEAKER_01: You're putting a smile on my face, I'll tell you right now.
18:37
SPEAKER_01: That was really I love and serendipity, right?
18:40
SPEAKER_01: I just love that.
18:41
SPEAKER_01: So moving on to the next question.
18:43
SPEAKER_01: What was there a revelation, a personal motto, lesson that helped guide your journey?
18:50
SPEAKER_01: Was there like, and again, you might have tapped on it a little bit, but maybe you want to expand a little bit more.
18:55
SPEAKER_01: What revelation or personal motto lesson that helped you guide your journey?
19:01
SPEAKER_00: My father, one of the one of the gifts my father gave us, and I watched him throughout my life, was the gift of positive risk taking.
19:10
SPEAKER_00: My father really believed that nothing is a mistake if you learn from it and you do better with it.
19:19
SPEAKER_00: So just because something's hard doesn't mean that you shouldn't have done it or you can't do it.
19:25
SPEAKER_00: It's reflect and think about it.
19:28
SPEAKER_00: So that was a key thing for me as I went forward and things didn't work out.
19:33
SPEAKER_00: My husband and I went into a business for a while.
19:35
SPEAKER_00: It was a business we didn't know a lot about, but we had a great, it was building houses and we had a great builder, and we really wanted to do that.
19:43
SPEAKER_00: And I was afraid to do that.
19:45
SPEAKER_00: And my father said with me, and he goes, Okay, let's go.
19:48
SPEAKER_00: Worst case scenario.
19:49
SPEAKER_00: What's the worst case?
19:50
SPEAKER_00: What could happen?
19:51
SPEAKER_00: You lose the money you put in.
19:53
SPEAKER_00: Question: Can you afford to lose that money?
19:55
SPEAKER_00: If you can't, don't do it.
19:57
SPEAKER_00: If you can, then take a chance.
20:00
SPEAKER_00: You lose it, you make it somewhere else.
20:03
SPEAKER_00: So yeah, that has been pivotal for me always.
20:06
SPEAKER_00: Is this a risk I'm willing to take?
20:09
SPEAKER_00: Even during COVID, is this a risk I'm willing to take to get home?
20:13
SPEAKER_00: Should I get on a plane?
20:14
SPEAKER_00: Should I rent a car?
20:16
SPEAKER_00: All of those things I evaluate to see is it worth the risk?
20:22
SPEAKER_00: If the answer is no, I don't do it.
20:25
SPEAKER_01: Risk worse reward.
20:26
SPEAKER_01: That's a real thing.
20:27
SPEAKER_01: We got some more comments here.
20:29
SPEAKER_01: Great conversation, says Bella.
20:31
SPEAKER_01: And Jake April is chiming in.
20:34
SPEAKER_01: Hello, Jake.
20:34
SPEAKER_01: He was a guest in the previous episode.
20:37
SPEAKER_01: Hello, Jake.
20:38
SPEAKER_01: How are you?
20:40
SPEAKER_01: He's uh an awesome man, uh speaker.
20:43
SPEAKER_01: Bella Rigby is also an event planner.
20:45
SPEAKER_01: I just happen to know.
20:46
SPEAKER_01: I just happen to know these things.
20:48
SPEAKER_01: But again, I love your story.
20:50
SPEAKER_01: Risk verse reward.
20:52
SPEAKER_01: Because if you don't take a risk, how will you ever know, right?
20:54
SPEAKER_01: How will you ever know?
20:56
SPEAKER_01: We're moving on to the next question.
20:58
SPEAKER_01: What would you say to your younger self today, Rosemary?
21:02
SPEAKER_00: What would I say to my younger self?
21:06
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, I guess it depends on what age I would go back to.
21:09
SPEAKER_00: But I think I would just say to myself, hang on to every single moment with your dad because it goes away.
21:17
SPEAKER_00: It took me two years to get over losing him.
21:21
SPEAKER_00: My rudder was gone.
21:22
SPEAKER_00: He was my best friend and my mentor, and it was gone.
21:25
SPEAKER_00: So I would say value every moment, cherish the small moments.
21:31
SPEAKER_00: And this is what I tell parents.
21:33
SPEAKER_00: You don't need to add more time to your schedule to do the that kinds of things I want to help you do.
21:39
SPEAKER_00: What we need to do is do a family audit.
21:42
SPEAKER_00: We need to systematically disabandon the things that aren't bringing you joy or fulfillment that you don't need, and add in some activities that will bring you joy with your kids and bring you that.
21:56
SPEAKER_00: And also to pay attention to the small moments.
22:00
SPEAKER_00: Take small moments and make them extraordinary.
22:03
SPEAKER_00: Make them big.
22:04
SPEAKER_00: People will say to me, What small moments do you remember?
22:07
SPEAKER_00: I remember going to the ice cream shop on a hot summer night with no air conditioning in my car to get an ice cream cone.
22:16
SPEAKER_00: That's what I remember.
22:17
SPEAKER_00: I ask audiences, what's the best gift you can remember you got from your parents?
22:23
SPEAKER_00: Most of the time they come up with a material thing.
22:28
SPEAKER_00: What I want people to focus on is the non-material things.
22:32
SPEAKER_00: My dad didn't graduate from high school.
22:34
SPEAKER_00: He walked out of class in 10th grade to go fight in the war that killed his brother.
22:39
SPEAKER_00: And he and I have had dads say that.
22:44
SPEAKER_00: And I my comment to them is neither did my dad, and he's the smartest man I ever met.
22:49
SPEAKER_00: Smartest man I ever met.
22:51
SPEAKER_00: That's you don't need to go to college.
22:54
SPEAKER_00: It's not about it's not about that.
22:57
SPEAKER_00: It is about being good characters.
23:00
SPEAKER_00: My father was really into character.
23:03
SPEAKER_00: Who we were, our name, our family was sacrosanct.
23:08
SPEAKER_00: Our behavior was a reflection on him and the family and on ourselves.
23:14
SPEAKER_00: So make sure you do it well.
23:16
SPEAKER_00: I talk with parents and I talk with them about the non-monetary gifts, but I also give them a three-part parenting method that will enhance their efforts to build stronger family connections.
23:27
SPEAKER_00: Because the reality is children that are resilient and happy and confident are children who are grounded and feel safe in their family.
23:39
SPEAKER_00: So it's really important that we build some time, get away from the devices that are destroying our connectedness.
23:49
SPEAKER_00: Parents are talking about how less connected they feel and time constraints, they can't get to it.
23:57
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, they can if we schmooze some things and look at it and take even 10 minutes in the morning in the car driving them to school to make it something special that will continue when they come home so that it's not just a done deal.
24:12
SPEAKER_00: My father would say to me, Hey, when you're when you go to this event, I want you to think of a couple of things that really excite you to come home and talk to me about.
24:21
SPEAKER_00: So my dad was with me all the time, and my behavior was better.
24:27
SPEAKER_00: Not because I was Catholic and I felt guilty.
24:29
SPEAKER_00: The guilt came when I would do anything that might make my father not trust me or somehow make my father disappointed.
24:39
SPEAKER_00: I never wanted to disappoint my father.
24:43
SPEAKER_00: And that's what I hope to have parents feel with their kids.
24:47
SPEAKER_00: Teenagers certainly they start to separate because they need to, but there are ways to get them to trust.
24:54
SPEAKER_00: The three parenting method includes observing consistently your kids so that you know what each of them and they're all different, what their likes, dislikes, fears, anxieties are or not.
25:09
SPEAKER_00: Make sure that you know each one of your kids and you're you're listening.
25:13
SPEAKER_00: I'm not supporting going and looking in diaries and stuff.
25:17
SPEAKER_00: No, just pay attention to what you hear, what's out there.
25:21
SPEAKER_00: The second piece, observing consistently is first.
25:24
SPEAKER_00: The second piece is to listen actively.
25:28
SPEAKER_00: And that means you don't just hear them, you listen to them, which means you make eye contact, you reflect back what you hear.
25:36
SPEAKER_00: So that when a kid comes to you when they're little and they're like, oh, daddy, look at this airplane I put together.
25:44
SPEAKER_00: It is critical that you say something positive about it.
25:48
SPEAKER_00: Give it your attention.
25:49
SPEAKER_00: Because if you don't pay attention to what your kids are telling you when they're little, when they're older and they and the problems are more severe, like drugs, alcohol, sex, they're not going to come to you.
26:02
SPEAKER_00: They'll go find an adult who listens because they've learned that you don't.
26:05
SPEAKER_00: That's right.
26:06
SPEAKER_00: So you want to make sure that you're listening actively, not just hearing.
26:10
SPEAKER_00: And then the the third pillar of it is the most difficult for us.
26:14
SPEAKER_00: And that is to model carefully what you want your children to be.
26:20
SPEAKER_00: Because if you're rude and condescending and judgmental, they will be.
26:27
SPEAKER_00: But if you're kind and hearing and you compromise with people and they see that you're happy, they will be too.
26:35
SPEAKER_00: Because really, the greatest legacy you can leave your kids is not material things, it's their character.
26:43
SPEAKER_01: That's right.
26:44
SPEAKER_01: I'm sharing with the viewers here.
26:47
SPEAKER_01: We're going to just tell you to come on to the website, and that's www.rosemaryallander.com.
26:56
SPEAKER_01: That's www.rosemary r-o-s-e-m-a-r-y allander.
27:04
SPEAKER_01: That's o l-en d e r.com for any of the audio listeners.
27:11
SPEAKER_01: And we're gonna move it up to the next question.
27:14
SPEAKER_01: What wisdom would you want your future self to hold on to?
27:18
SPEAKER_01: Over to you.
27:20
SPEAKER_00: I think the wisdom that I would want my future self to share is that I want to be able, and I think everybody should want this.
27:30
SPEAKER_00: I want to be able to look back on my life and be satisfied and proud and pleased that I was able to make a difference, a positive difference in people's lives.
27:45
SPEAKER_00: And I was able to help them as much as possible.
27:48
SPEAKER_00: And that I was able that I would be able to list and reflect all of the blessings I've had in my life because there are so many.
27:58
SPEAKER_00: There are so many.
27:59
SPEAKER_00: And that that's what we need to focus on.
28:01
SPEAKER_00: Not the disappointments, not the things that didn't happen, but the things that happened truly.
28:07
SPEAKER_00: George Washington said a family's wealth is not measured in things, it is measured in the legacy of who they are.
28:17
SPEAKER_01: Said, well said.
28:19
SPEAKER_01: With that being said, what does legacy mean to you personally?
28:24
SPEAKER_01: Again, the big question, but we're all here.
28:28
SPEAKER_00: Legacy to me is what you leave, what things of importance you leave to the next generation or to those that you are involved in.
28:40
SPEAKER_00: When I was in high school, I wrote a I wrote an essay for a major test using Tennyson's phrase, I am a part of all that I have met.
28:50
SPEAKER_00: And I added, and all that I have met is a part of me.
28:54
SPEAKER_00: I would hope that everybody would feel that what they have experienced, what they have lived, what they have been a part of was all good stuff and meaningful stuff and directional stuff that led them to where they are, and that they would hope that others would feel that it was a positive thing to be in their presence, at least part of the time.
29:20
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
29:21
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, that's a great message.
29:23
SPEAKER_01: That's a great meaning.
29:24
SPEAKER_01: Thank you for sharing your personal meaning.
29:26
SPEAKER_01: And again, sometimes we could go really deep with this.
29:30
SPEAKER_01: So thank you for wrapping it up with a bow tie on that.
29:34
SPEAKER_01: What do you hope people remember most about the way you lived, worked, or served, Rosemary?
29:41
SPEAKER_01: How do you want to be remembered?
29:43
SPEAKER_00: I would just hope somebody asked me that one time in an interview and said, What do you want written on your tombstone?
29:49
SPEAKER_00: And I said, I just would like to know that I made a difference.
29:54
SPEAKER_00: I would just like to make a difference.
29:55
SPEAKER_00: In this world, there are so many people, and I'm out there now on the networking circuit with authors and speakers, and there are so many people trying to do so many good things, and we don't focus enough on the good things.
30:07
SPEAKER_00: We focus too much on all the negative stuff that's flying at us all the time.
30:12
SPEAKER_00: We need to focus on the positive stuff because there's a lot of good out there.
30:16
SPEAKER_01: It's always a choice at the end of the day, right?
30:18
SPEAKER_01: It's always a choice.
30:19
SPEAKER_01: Absolutely.
30:20
SPEAKER_01: At the end of the day.
30:21
SPEAKER_01: So if you could do it all again, okay, and this question always gets my curiosity because I love to hear people's answers.
30:28
SPEAKER_01: If you can do it all over again, would you change anything?
30:32
SPEAKER_01: Or did every part of your journey have a purpose, Rosemary?
30:38
SPEAKER_00: I think every part of my journey had a purpose.
30:40
SPEAKER_00: I don't think, I don't regret any.
30:43
SPEAKER_00: I don't regret the I have one regret, you know, people say, Do you feel guilty about anything or do you have any regret?
30:49
SPEAKER_00: And I I don't feel guilty very often, and I don't have a lot of regrets.
30:54
SPEAKER_00: But one of the things I do regret is that my sister and I did not take my father on a trip before he passed away.
31:02
SPEAKER_00: He really, really wanted to see Hawaii, and we wanted to take him, but the doctors convinced us that we shouldn't.
31:10
SPEAKER_00: And regret because I don't think it would have made a difference.
31:13
SPEAKER_00: And I think we could have done it, and it would have been a joy for him.
31:16
SPEAKER_00: So that is one regret that I have for sure.
31:19
SPEAKER_00: But all in all, no, I don't regret anything.
31:22
SPEAKER_00: I think every door that closed opened another door that led me in a different direction and in a positive direction.
31:29
SPEAKER_01: Sure.
31:30
SPEAKER_01: Wow.
31:30
SPEAKER_01: And that's looking at things on the brighter side, right?
31:33
SPEAKER_01: There were things you wanted to do and you didn't get to.
31:35
SPEAKER_01: That's the bittersweetness of life, but still you're looking at it from a light side.
31:40
SPEAKER_01: So that's beautiful.
31:41
SPEAKER_01: Thank you for sharing that that tender moment and answer with us.
31:45
SPEAKER_01: So this is our signature question.
31:48
SPEAKER_01: What would some what what is something that you're doing in your journey or on your daily life that most people would be surprised to learn?
31:58
SPEAKER_01: Surprisedness, Rosemary, if you will.
32:03
SPEAKER_00: What am I doing that would surprise people?
32:06
SPEAKER_00: That is a very interesting question.
32:09
SPEAKER_00: I think probably that I really believe in spirituality, and I have met and talked with and been around and actually lived with a psychic for two weeks, one year.
32:25
SPEAKER_01: Wow.
32:26
SPEAKER_00: And got to learn a lot about that whole realm.
32:31
SPEAKER_00: And I did have my own personal experience with talking with someone who had passed and had a witness to it.
32:40
SPEAKER_00: My my roommate was with me and she saw the man as well.
32:43
SPEAKER_00: So I do dabble in that kind of thing, not in a bad way, but in a perfectly appropriate, okay, there's more to this universe than we think.
32:52
SPEAKER_00: You know, kind of thing.
32:53
SPEAKER_00: So I think people would be surprised that I might.
32:56
SPEAKER_00: They are surprised when I say, Oh, yeah, I had this medium tell me they're like, What?
33:01
SPEAKER_00: They don't believe it.
33:02
SPEAKER_00: I'll take it to the bank, but I think it's kind of interesting to pay attention to.
33:06
SPEAKER_00: At very least, it's entertaining, right?
33:08
SPEAKER_01: That's how I look at it.
33:09
SPEAKER_01: You're not harming anybody, you're taking what you like, what you don't, you leave, and uh you make the best of it, right?
33:16
SPEAKER_01: It's entertaining for uh at very least.
33:18
SPEAKER_01: So right off to you, and thanks for sharing with us because that is really interesting.
33:22
SPEAKER_01: I there is paranormal, there's too many studies done on it, so we can leave it at that at least.
33:28
SPEAKER_01: So you're investigating it.
33:29
SPEAKER_01: I think that's listen, it's fun, it's fun sometimes, right?
33:33
SPEAKER_01: Sometimes it's interesting, whatever, but that's that's that is a fun surprise.
33:37
SPEAKER_01: So thank you for sharing with us.
33:39
SPEAKER_01: So, where can people find your information's on our website, right?
33:43
SPEAKER_01: On uh live on livelegacy.vip.
33:46
SPEAKER_01: Like let us know where do you hang that on social media?
33:49
SPEAKER_00: Where can people find you?
33:50
SPEAKER_00: Tell us.
33:50
SPEAKER_00: I have a pretty good LinkedIn account, and if you go to my if you go to rosemaryolander.com, that is my current website.
33:57
SPEAKER_00: I'm working on a new one with all of my offers, but this one is just about my book and some of my background.
34:04
SPEAKER_00: But in on the books page, there is my email address and my LinkedIn address.
34:10
SPEAKER_00: So I'm on LinkedIn.
34:12
SPEAKER_00: I'm also on talks.co, which if you go to that, all of my not all, but many of my appearances on podcasts are there, different titles, different topics, but they're there.
34:25
SPEAKER_00: You can find me there.
34:27
SPEAKER_01: Okay.
34:27
SPEAKER_01: So that would be where to go.
34:29
SPEAKER_01: Okay.
34:30
SPEAKER_01: Thank you for that.
34:31
SPEAKER_01: I just tried to somehow I messed up the link, so I wasn't able to get on those other social links.
34:37
SPEAKER_01: But anyway, we do appreciate you so much.
34:40
SPEAKER_01: And again, I'm gonna pop up here on screen, rosemaryallander.com.
34:46
SPEAKER_01: That's R-O-S-E-M-A-R-Y-O-L E N D E R.
34:54
SPEAKER_01: Or you can go to Live Legacy, live legacy.vip, and check out the episode for today's date, which is June the 9th.
35:06
SPEAKER_01: And you could catch the replays on multiple platforms, and the links are right there on the website, and you could learn more about Rosemary.
35:15
SPEAKER_01: Rosemary, you were very kind to really dive deep into what you do answering the question, some vulnerable.
35:22
SPEAKER_01: We appreciate you so much.
35:24
SPEAKER_01: With that being said, can you give us some closing remarks?
35:27
SPEAKER_01: And thank you again for being here.
35:30
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, I would just say if you or someone you know want less stress, richer kids, and stronger family bonds, then schedule a Zoom call with me.
35:40
SPEAKER_00: Go to my email and ask to talk with me.
35:43
SPEAKER_00: And I'll show you how to give your children the most valuable gifts in life without ever going near your wallet.
35:48
SPEAKER_00: And I can share a little bit more with you for a little bit.
35:52
SPEAKER_01: Thank you.
35:53
SPEAKER_01: That was really beautiful.
35:55
SPEAKER_01: Thank you, everybody, for listening.
35:57
SPEAKER_01: And don't forget to hit subscribe, leave a five-star rating if you like it, and write a review.
36:02
SPEAKER_01: Really appreciate it.
36:02
SPEAKER_01: You can find us on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Amazon Music, YouTube, or wherever you like to get your podcast.
36:10
SPEAKER_01: That concludes this show today with Rosemary Oliver.
36:13
SPEAKER_01: Thank you.
36:14
SPEAKER_03: And every turning point holds the power of legacy.
36:19
SPEAKER_02: Every step, every start, every stone, we make it on your own.