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Transcript

Happy Hour #210: My Big Fat Gay Crush · Stuff Mom Never Told You

• 0:05
  Speaker 1: Hey, this is Anny and Samantha and welcome to Stuff
• 0:07
  Speaker 1: Never Told You producture buy Heart Radio. Welcome to another
• 0:20
  Speaker 1: addition of Happy Hour. As always, if you choose to
• 0:24
  Speaker 1: drink or whatever you choose to do, you please do
• 0:25
  Speaker 1: so responsibly. Are you sipping on anything, Santa?
• 0:30
  Speaker 2: I am drinking water because I feel like I need
• 0:32
  Speaker 2: lots of water today. What about you?
• 0:37
  Speaker 1: I have kind of a hot toddy situation. I really
• 0:42
  Speaker 1: wanted a sing taw for this episode because of the topic,
• 0:49
  Speaker 1: but I don't have any. So that's what I'm it.
• 0:55
  Speaker 1: Yes it is, Yes, it is. So this is going
• 1:03
  Speaker 1: to be kind of embarrassing for me. I think I'm
• 1:07
  Speaker 1: not going to get Sometimes I worry when I do
• 1:10
  Speaker 1: these that people are going to psychoanalyze me and write
• 1:13
  Speaker 1: in like this is what was going on with you?
• 1:16
  Speaker 1: But if you've been listening to our recent happy Hours,
• 1:21
  Speaker 1: a lot of them have been about in my past
• 1:25
  Speaker 1: relationships and experiences being queer and all of that stuff.
• 1:29
  Speaker 1: And in the most recent one, I said I'd been
• 1:33
  Speaker 1: in this relationship with my ex boyfriend for a long
• 1:36
  Speaker 1: time because I thought I should be that, you know,
• 1:41
  Speaker 1: I wasn't. I said the yearner in it like I
• 1:47
  Speaker 1: was not the one yearning for this, and I felt
• 1:50
  Speaker 1: a little bit of guilt and I said some kind
• 1:52
  Speaker 1: of throwaway line like I don't think I've ever been
• 1:55
  Speaker 1: that broken hearted. Well, immediately after loss that I had, she.
• 2:02
  Speaker 2: Sent an email.
• 2:05
  Speaker 1: Immediately. I think I must have like pushed this whole
• 2:11
  Speaker 1: thing down deep because I didn't think about it. But
• 2:15
  Speaker 1: when I was listening to the QA, when we listened
• 2:17
  Speaker 1: back to make sure there are no errors or anything
• 2:19
  Speaker 1: like that, I immediately was like, oh wait, I forgot
• 2:23
  Speaker 1: this part. I have been uh. And it was very
• 2:28
  Speaker 1: serious indeed, actually, and I kind of want to talk
• 2:34
  Speaker 1: about it because I've never confronted it since I've gotten
• 2:39
  Speaker 1: older about what happened. So essentially, I went to China
• 2:49
  Speaker 1: for about eight months. I lived in China for about
• 2:51
  Speaker 1: eight months, and I was I just turned twenty one,
• 2:56
  Speaker 1: and I was very insecure. That's what I'm going to
• 2:59
  Speaker 1: say right the top. I was very insecure in a
• 3:02
  Speaker 1: lot of ways. And I I was the head of
• 3:10
  Speaker 1: the group of interns that went to China, and there
• 3:15
  Speaker 1: was like a larger expat group of mostly Americans, but
• 3:21
  Speaker 1: there were some people from Canada and stuff too, and
• 3:24
  Speaker 1: we were teaching English, and I, as the head of
• 3:31
  Speaker 1: the interns, interacted a lot with the head of this
• 3:35
  Speaker 1: group of older people. We were very close. We became
• 3:39
  Speaker 1: very close, and I thought it was cool that somebody
• 3:46
  Speaker 1: that I thought was so cool liked to talk to me,
• 3:50
  Speaker 1: and we would watch movies together and stuff, and so
• 3:54
  Speaker 1: I just really like looked forward to hanging out with
• 3:56
  Speaker 1: him or getting a text from him. He had a
• 3:59
  Speaker 1: motor cycle, so like, right on that with him, I'm
• 4:05
  Speaker 1: like blushing, I'm so embarrassed by this whole thing. But
• 4:10
  Speaker 1: he was gay, and I I personally, to this day
• 4:18
  Speaker 1: am kind of conflicted about how it played out because
• 4:23
  Speaker 1: we were so close and he would say these things
• 4:28
  Speaker 1: to me, like I could wait a thousand years and
• 4:31
  Speaker 1: never meet anyone like you like these Really I felt
• 4:36
  Speaker 1: like romantic kind of things, but I didn't view it
• 4:40
  Speaker 1: as that, and I think looking back, it's more of
• 4:45
  Speaker 1: a I did love him, like he was like a
• 4:48
  Speaker 1: person I cared about so much. But I think sadly
• 4:53
  Speaker 1: part of it was he was a guy that had
• 4:57
  Speaker 1: no sexual interest and because of that, because I had
• 5:05
  Speaker 1: been taught at least that like having interest from a
• 5:08
  Speaker 1: guy is more important than having interest from a woman
• 5:13
  Speaker 1: that I was so like infatuated, but it felt safe
• 5:18
  Speaker 1: because I knew he didn't want anything to do with
• 5:22
  Speaker 1: me like that. But we were inseparable. And it's like,
• 5:31
  Speaker 1: looking back, I can see why I got so many
• 5:34
  Speaker 1: sit down I got interventions, like friends would sit me down,
• 5:39
  Speaker 1: be like, you are in love with this guy. My
• 5:43
  Speaker 1: mom sat me down with mother, my mom, because what
• 5:48
  Speaker 1: happened was I was on a part time internship for
• 5:55
  Speaker 1: eight months and by the way, we got matching tattoos
• 6:00
  Speaker 1: and there's a lot of pictures of me wearing his clothes.
• 6:05
  Speaker 1: But I had to leave and I was like sobbing inconsolably,
• 6:09
  Speaker 1: but I planned to come back. I was going to
• 6:11
  Speaker 1: move to China. When I got back to the US.
• 6:17
  Speaker 1: That's when I found out my dad had terminal cancer
• 6:21
  Speaker 1: and he was like, if you go, if you go
• 6:23
  Speaker 1: back to China, you're going to be visiting a tombstone.
• 6:28
  Speaker 1: And then I was still kind of like I could
• 6:31
  Speaker 1: I want to go. I really want to go do this.
• 6:34
  Speaker 1: This is my plan. And that's when I got the
• 6:41
  Speaker 1: call from our old company, House Stuff Works, and I was,
• 6:46
  Speaker 1: you know, like it was out of the blue. I
• 6:47
  Speaker 1: had applied years before and just had the blue I
• 6:51
  Speaker 1: got this call and that's when my parents said, if
• 6:52
  Speaker 1: you get this job, please stay. And I didn't think
• 6:56
  Speaker 1: I was going to get the job, and then I
• 6:58
  Speaker 1: did and I ended up staying. And Uh, that's when
• 7:06
  Speaker 1: my mom sat me down because I was like, it
• 7:10
  Speaker 1: feels like he's half of me. Mom, Like it was
• 7:14
  Speaker 1: really bad, it was really embarrassing, Samantha.
• 7:27
  Speaker 2: I've been there.
• 7:28
  Speaker 3: I think about some my own moments, like I sobbed
• 7:31
  Speaker 3: cried at a mission trip for a dude that we
• 7:35
  Speaker 3: did not have interest in, and I was just like,
• 7:37
  Speaker 3: I will never see him again.
• 7:38
  Speaker 2: And I sobbed. I met him for a week in
• 7:42
  Speaker 2: high school, a week.
• 7:44
  Speaker 3: I remember his name. I'm just beyond embarrassed. Like I
• 7:50
  Speaker 3: wasn't even in love with him. I don't know why
• 7:53
  Speaker 3: I was so attached with him. I knew I wasn't
• 7:55
  Speaker 3: in love with him.
• 7:57
  Speaker 1: Yeah, that's the thing I'm still grappling with is I
• 8:01
  Speaker 1: don't think I was in love. I think maybe I
• 8:04
  Speaker 1: had some kind of attachment that was very strong, and
• 8:08
  Speaker 1: I was very insecure and I was dealing with, like
• 8:12
  Speaker 1: I said, having this male attention that wasn't sexual that
• 8:18
  Speaker 1: made me feel like my personality is good. I don't know.
• 8:24
  Speaker 1: And we did do everything together and we had so
• 8:27
  Speaker 1: much fun and he would say those things to me,
• 8:29
  Speaker 1: and I knew there was It felt like there was
• 8:32
  Speaker 1: no other intent, you know what I mean. Like a
• 8:36
  Speaker 1: lot of times when guys would say something like that
• 8:38
  Speaker 1: to me, I'd be like, oh, you want to have sex,
• 8:40
  Speaker 1: But when he would say something like that to me,
• 8:42
  Speaker 1: it was like, oh, you actually value me as a person.
• 8:46
  Speaker 2: Like me okay, as a person yeah, which.
• 8:48
  Speaker 1: Again is terrible. And I was thinking about this and
• 8:51
  Speaker 1: kind of the whole trope with a gay best friend
• 8:53
  Speaker 1: and all of that. So I don't feel great about it,
• 8:57
  Speaker 1: but I think that's where it was coming from. But
• 8:59
  Speaker 1: people sat me down, like my friends in China sat
• 9:03
  Speaker 1: me down at the table while you were in love,
• 9:06
  Speaker 1: and we need to get you out of this because
• 9:07
  Speaker 1: he's not gonna love you back. And I was so shocked,
• 9:14
  Speaker 1: and then I like, now I'm thinking about I'm like,
• 9:16
  Speaker 1: of course they thought that we got magic tattoos. And
• 9:18
  Speaker 1: I was wearing his clothes all the time. Oh got
• 9:24
  Speaker 1: shirts made together. I still have it, and you know,
• 9:28
  Speaker 1: I never went back, uh, And we kept in touch
• 9:32
  Speaker 1: and I actually met him a couple of years ago
• 9:35
  Speaker 1: in Chicago. Oh yes, because he's I don't know where
• 9:40
  Speaker 1: he is now, but that's where he was when I
• 9:42
  Speaker 1: met up with him. And it was amazing how seamlessly
• 9:48
  Speaker 1: we just picked up where we were and he introduced
• 9:50
  Speaker 1: me to people like this is one of the best
• 9:52
  Speaker 1: people I've ever met. Like it was like, so, I
• 9:55
  Speaker 1: hope it meant something to him too.
• 9:58
  Speaker 2: Yeah, I'm sure it did.
• 10:00
  Speaker 1: Yeah, I think it did. I mean one would assume
• 10:04
  Speaker 1: you don't get matching tattoos with just anybody, but I
• 10:12
  Speaker 1: don't know. I was just thinking about it and I
• 10:15
  Speaker 1: hadn't considered because I used to think about him every day,
• 10:18
  Speaker 1: like every day, and it was like a wound. But
• 10:22
  Speaker 1: I'm kind of it kind of sounds similar to what
• 10:25
  Speaker 1: you were saying, Samantha. This way was way more extreme
• 10:29
  Speaker 1: than it normally happens to me. But I am a
• 10:31
  Speaker 1: very emotional like I'll never see you again. You came
• 10:34
  Speaker 1: into my life when I needed you, and you'll never
• 10:38
  Speaker 1: think of me ever again or whatever it is, So everything's.
• 10:43
  Speaker 4: Gonna fall apart. I've been spending every day with you
• 10:47
  Speaker 4: for eight months. All the other interns that I was
• 10:50
  Speaker 4: so cool it's riding around on a motorcycle.
• 10:59
  Speaker 1: Yeah, but it was also I mean, we just had
• 11:04
  Speaker 1: really deep conversations. I think sometimes it's easier to have
• 11:06
  Speaker 1: those conversations with people you don't know very well, which, right,
• 11:09
  Speaker 1: what kind of power our partnership on this show came
• 11:14
  Speaker 1: to be. So we had a lot of deep conversations.
• 11:18
  Speaker 1: And yeah, because I was twenty one, I think I
• 11:22
  Speaker 1: was just coming to terms with a lot of stuff.
• 11:26
  Speaker 1: And he was so like affectionate, openly affection but I'd forgotten.
• 11:31
  Speaker 1: I can't believe. I cannot believe you left him. Now
• 11:38
  Speaker 1: I know, I know. So I do understand to all
• 11:43
  Speaker 1: the yearners whatever that might look like, had your heart broken.
• 11:48
  Speaker 1: Turns out I really did. I did understand our card
• 11:55
  Speaker 1: like every.
• 11:55
  Speaker 2: Day for imagine if you would like to China, Yeah.
• 11:59
  Speaker 1: My life would have been so different. And now when
• 12:02
  Speaker 1: I was when I was leaving in my exit interview,
• 12:09
  Speaker 1: I started crying and I was like, please don't make
• 12:11
  Speaker 1: me leave, and my boss was like, you have to go.
• 12:18
  Speaker 2: You cried to your boss. Now, that's intense.
• 12:21
  Speaker 1: It was so embarrassing. It was so embarrassing, but I did, like,
• 12:28
  Speaker 1: you know, I just hope that I hope it's not
• 12:32
  Speaker 1: a bad memory for him.
• 12:36
  Speaker 2: I'm sure it isn't unless people told him how much
• 12:39
  Speaker 2: you cried.
• 12:41
  Speaker 1: I probably did. I have to go look back to
• 12:44
  Speaker 1: my old messages see what I said.
• 12:49
  Speaker 2: You'll probably still be like, oh that sweet.
• 12:51
  Speaker 1: Yeah, No, I don't. I don't think so. And I
• 12:55
  Speaker 1: was being very dramatic. He was, I think he was.
• 13:00
  Speaker 1: I was twenty one and he's twenty four, so he
• 13:03
  Speaker 1: was a little bit more secure, and he'd been in
• 13:07
  Speaker 1: China for a long time, like he could speak Mandarin,
• 13:12
  Speaker 1: and so I think like he was he was in
• 13:16
  Speaker 1: a bit of a more stable place than I was
• 13:18
  Speaker 1: when I showed up and it's like, oh, what is this?
• 13:24
  Speaker 1: What is this?
• 13:26
  Speaker 2: Yeah?
• 13:26
  Speaker 1: And he was just very open, and I think it
• 13:28
  Speaker 1: is you know sometimes when you like leave your your
• 13:31
  Speaker 1: small town and you go somewhere very different. Because I
• 13:33
  Speaker 1: feel like when I went to Europe it was sort
• 13:35
  Speaker 1: of a it was less of a culture shock, and
• 13:39
  Speaker 1: then when I went to China and I was like, oh,
• 13:41
  Speaker 1: and so it just felt like I was learning a
• 13:46
  Speaker 1: lot of new things.
• 13:47
  Speaker 2: Right and be overwhelming.
• 13:50
  Speaker 1: Yeah, But he was kind of a steadying presence and
• 13:54
  Speaker 1: he was the one that would be like here's where,
• 13:56
  Speaker 1: here's the food you gotta eat, here's the drinks cold
• 13:59
  Speaker 1: r yeah yeah, yeah, yeah. Anyway, that's part of my messy,
• 14:09
  Speaker 1: my messy relationship history. I don't know. I still am
• 14:16
  Speaker 1: not sure. I don't think I was in love. I
• 14:18
  Speaker 1: think there was something though. There was definitely something going on.
• 14:24
  Speaker 2: You an attachment that's not uncommon.
• 14:29
  Speaker 1: Yeah, that's what I think. But I have to say,
• 14:31
  Speaker 1: everybody was sitting me down and it was telling me
• 14:35
  Speaker 1: this is what it looks like, which I I it's
• 14:38
  Speaker 1: kind of interesting because I've seen that before too, of
• 14:41
  Speaker 1: you know, being a queer person and everybody's like telling you,
• 14:45
  Speaker 1: this is what your relationship looks like, and you're kind
• 14:49
  Speaker 1: of like, no, that doesn't describe my experience. But I
• 14:52
  Speaker 1: get why you think that. But I could never I
• 14:56
  Speaker 1: could never make a good defense of myself. Really. Yeah.
• 15:02
  Speaker 1: They had a lot of points, a lot of evidence. Yeah,
• 15:09
  Speaker 1: it wouldn't look good for me. If somebody was making
• 15:11
  Speaker 1: a presentation like I did to my poor friend, it
• 15:15
  Speaker 1: would not look good for me.
• 15:19
  Speaker 2: Some of the things I'll do quite hilarious.
• 15:22
  Speaker 1: Yeah. Yeah, Anyway, I just felt like I had to
• 15:28
  Speaker 1: correct the record on that because it was such a
• 15:31
  Speaker 1: glaring Yeah, that was such such a glaring misstep.
• 15:37
  Speaker 2: On my.
• 15:40
  Speaker 3: Immediately as we were like, she immediately sent out this
• 15:44
  Speaker 3: email to let us know she lied. She's like, oh,
• 15:47
  Speaker 3: I forgot let me tell you.
• 15:49
  Speaker 2: I have to tell somebody.
• 15:52
  Speaker 1: I couldn't believe it. I was just like, what was
• 15:54
  Speaker 1: I thinking not mentioning that? So here we go.
• 15:59
  Speaker 2: Thank you for thank you for telling us the truth.
• 16:03
  Speaker 1: Yes, I'm on trial. Here you go. I'm giving you
• 16:07
  Speaker 1: some more of the facts. Yes, well, listeners, thank you
• 16:13
  Speaker 1: as always for coming down these walks through memory lane
• 16:19
  Speaker 1: with us. And if you have any thoughts about similar
• 16:23
  Speaker 1: experiences that you have had, please let us know. You
• 16:29
  Speaker 1: can email us at Hello A stuff Iennever Told You
• 16:31
  Speaker 1: dot com. You can find us on Blue Sky and
• 16:33
  Speaker 1: mom Stuff podcast, or on Instagram and TikTok at stuff
• 16:36
  Speaker 1: I Never Told You. We're also on YouTube. We have
• 16:38
  Speaker 1: the merchandise at cock Hero and we have a buck
• 16:40
  Speaker 1: you can get wherever you get your books. Thanks as
• 16:42
  Speaker 1: always to our super produce Christine Ark, secutor produce My
• 16:44
  Speaker 1: and your contributor Joey. Thank you, and thanks to you
• 16:47
  Speaker 1: for listening Stuff I Never Told You. Dispection by Heart
• 16:49
  Speaker 1: Radio for more podcasts from my heart Radio. You can
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  Speaker 2: Only f