Latest / Beyond the Facade with Choose Recovery Services and Blueprint Institute / 63: Redefining Self-Compassion

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63: Redefining Self-Compassion · Beyond the Facade with Choose Recovery Services and Blueprint Institute

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  If you're like a lot of the men that I work with in recovery,
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  you've been taught to be like tough.
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  You've been taught to push through.
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  Man up. Don't show weakness.
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  But here's a question for you. What if real strength isn't
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  about being harder on yourself, but what if it's about being
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  kinder to yourself? Today we're going to be busting
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  through some of the biggest myths about self compassion and
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  why learning to stand within yourself instead of against
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  yourself might be the most powerful thing you've done.
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  Welcome to Beyond the Facade podcast.
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  I'm your host, Luke Gordon, and I'm thrilled to have you join me
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  in the space today. What we're going to be doing is
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  diving deep into the trials and triumphs and truths of seeking
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  authenticity. Becoming your true self isn't
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  about a single action or a. Moment.
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  It's a relentless pursuit, a commitment to self that reveals
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  the rich connection and meaning that our life has to offer.
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  So whether this is your? First time tuning in or you're a
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  regular listener? Know this.
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  What you're building here goes beyond a conversation.
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  You're here to challenge, to change, and to celebrate the
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  incredible journey of becoming your authentic self.
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  Because when you dare to show up fully.
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  The rewards are immeasurable. So welcome to be on the facade.
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  Let's get started. All right, so let's get into it.
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  But before we dive in, I do want to pause for a second and
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  recognize something that's really important if you're one
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  of those partners that's been hurt and the stuff we talked
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  about today feels triggering because it feels like we're
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  letting somebody off the hook. We're not.
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  It's going to actually help the person in recovery face what
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  they've done and own it and have an opportunity to build real
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  trust and not fake their way through it.
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  So we can't do anything without that self compassion.
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  And I want to hold space for that fear today.
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  If you're that betrayed partner, you deserve that healing and you
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  deserve for somebody to be able to hold that space.
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  And it comes on the other end of them having some compassion for
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  self. And we're going to get into that
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  day and talk about the reason why.
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  So if this is triggering, they just want to validate that.
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  So let's start with setting the stage for what self compassion
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  really is inside of every person that's betrayed somebody or just
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  I guess what's humans in general, They're going to be a
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  different parts of us. There's a part of us that
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  criticizes, there's a part of us that fears failure.
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  There's a part of us that wants to numb out when we feel that
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  failure, that wants to escape. And those parts of us, like,
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  especially for those that are starting the journey of
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  recovery, are in it early in they want to kill those parts of
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  them that hurts people, right? Those parts of them that are
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  scared, those parts of them that are angry, those parts of them
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  that have shame. But healing doesn't happen
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  because we destroy a part of ourselves, because we eliminate
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  a part of ourselves. It happens because we lead those
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  parts of us that fear failure, the criticize, the want to numb
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  out. So right now many of the men
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  that I work with have a manager that's running the show and that
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  that manager has a voice that says get it together, do better,
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  try harder, get your crap together.
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  Instead, we need to develop self energy, which is that calm,
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  confident, compassionate self leadership.
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  And that self compassion, that's not a weakness, it's a strength.
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  And it's the starting line for some of that real change and
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  real recovery. So what we're going to do today
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  is we're going to talk about some myths.
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  Here's the myths. I'm going to give you 7 of them.
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  Myth #1 self compassion means avoiding responsibility.
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  Self compassion actually strengthens accountability and
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  doesn't weaken it. I'll give you an example.
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  If you own your mistake, like missing on something you said
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  you were going to do and you hurt somebody piece that you
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  said, I'm going to do this. You don't follow through.
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  You can collapse into shame, right?
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  But if you have self compassion, it'll allow you to choose to
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  face it head on and make those amends.
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  And we're going to talk about the reason why that would be.
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  Myth #2 self compassion is weak and selfish reality that takes
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  so much strength to take care of yourself and you can't lead
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  yourself or others if you're running like on that empty.
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  It's interesting watching and observing what we call outer
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  circle behavior, self-care in recovery.
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  But the men that will prioritize that I can think of again, just
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  so much triggering dialogue that could be here.
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  Remember my therapist early on my journey to saying to me, hey,
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  your groups, your sessions, your therapy sessions, I have to come
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  before birthdays, anniversaries, holidays, whatever it might be.
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  Because at the end of the day, you're not going to have those
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  unless recovery actually happens.
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  You're not going to have time with your kids, you're not going
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  to be having the anniversaries with your partner.
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  You're not going to be having shared holiday experiences
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  unless recovery comes first. And that actually comes from
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  that self compassion piece that running on empty, that if I'm
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  trying to help other people and support other people, if I'm
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  empty inside of myself, it's not going to work.
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  So self compassion is about self-care, it's about outer
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  circle behavior, It's about those things.
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  So if that isn't happening, how can you possibly be able to
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  follow through on those pieces? And that is self compassion.
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  We're going to take a quick break for a moment.
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  I want to let you know of some things that we have coming up
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  specialists, you'll learn to uncover where trauma lives in
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  your body and gently release it through somatic practices like
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  art therapy, breath work, brains, body energy healing,
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  mindfulness practices, and therapeutic immersion in nature.
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  It's more than just an intensive, it's a sacred
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  sisterhood where you'll process emotions, rebuild resilience,
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  and come home to yourself physically, emotionally, and
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  spiritually. So if you're ready to step fully
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  back into your life with freedom and strength, visit the show
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  notes to learn more and to register.
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  Let's get back to our episode myth #3 Self compassion lowers
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  standards and kills motivation. Isn't that interesting?
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  The self compassion like, the reality is self compassion like
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  is going to build that resilience which is going to
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  fuel the higher standards over time.
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  That self talk that I have if I fail at something, but I think
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  I'm going to do like maybe I say I'm going to show up with my
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  partner and it doesn't go the way I'm think it's going to go.
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  Shame makes you like want to quit and never try again.
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  But compassion helps you like learn and grow from that
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  experience and keep going. And we can just think about
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  responding to a child. If they fell at something, how
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  do we respond to them? Obviously with compassion, not
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  with a bunch of shame. We know how they'd respond to
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  both. Myth #4 you have to earn self
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  compassion, a reality. You don't earn it after success,
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  you actually need it most when you're struggling.
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  I don't know, maybe it's a good analogy or not, but Thomas
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  Edison was a light bulb. I don't know where I heard this
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  but like how many times? It's like somewhere like around
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  1000 times. Probably should look that up
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  before I start quoting stuff on a podcast.
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  But what dialogue did he have in his mind inventing the light
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  bulb? Did he shame himself after every
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  failed attempt? No, you don't earn self
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  compassion after you're successful.
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  You get it when you're struggling.
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  So like sitting in a group after a relapse or a slipped feels
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  like that failure, right? But you're still choosing to
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  stay and fight for your recovery.
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  So being willing to look at and have compassion towards self
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  keeps you engaged in that. Part of me wants to like pause
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  and go, OK, what actually is not self compassion where I let
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  myself off the hook And that is just a level of change.
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  Do I move my feet after? Am I open?
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  Am I transparent? So do I jump back into the
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  recovery? In the work?
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  Self compassion guides that myth #5 self compassion is just fake
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  positivity. Let me say that again.
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  Self compassion is just fake positivity.
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  So reality, self compassion actually faces reality honestly
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  and you choose kindness and like the middle of that experience,
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  that honesty breed something new.
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  So let me give you an example. So if you admit fear or shame in
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  a group, right? And that type of setting without
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  pretending and you stay present with yourself through that
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  experience, it's not about, oh, I'm just good or I'm fine.
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  Everything's OK. You don't have to know it.
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  And I figured it out inside of that setting, when you show up
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  the group, stop pretending that you've got everything together.
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  It's about staying present with yourself through that.
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  I feel those emotions of that failing or not doing what I said
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  I was going to do. And I'm staying present with
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  myself through that experience. I'm not running from that.
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  I'm not needing to numb that out or pretend like everything's OK.
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  And I'm noticing. I'm learning about my
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  experience. It takes some time, but you have
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  to admit what you experienced. I'm feeling shame, I'm feeling
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  some fear, I'm feeling some anger, whatever it might be, not
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  pretending myth #6 self compassion only works for good
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  people. Self compassion only works for
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  good people. Reality is self compassion is
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  for every human out there, especially for those who are
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  hurting. And it doesn't feel like that,
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  right? I shouldn't be compassionate for
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  self. I'm not a good person.
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  Why? Why?
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  I don't deserve that yet. And I think it's kind of like
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  what we talked about before, the self compassion exists for all
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  people. So example, somebody's fighting
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  to build a relationship with his kids after a bunch of years of
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  damage. That's pretty normal in this
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  world, right? So showing up with humility and
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  not for perfection because that's not what's going to
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  happen. It's going to be a really
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  important part of rebuilding that relationship.
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  And humility exists with compassion, not from a good old
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  fashioned be down myth #7 self compassion means avoiding hard
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  emotions. Reality.
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  Real compassion means staying with that pain and not numbing
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  or running from it. These overlap, right?
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  So let's just give an example of this.
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  So you have a big fight or you're sitting alone somewhere
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  and you're feeling like everything, you're breathing
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  through it. You're staying connected to
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  yourself instead of exploding or disappearing.
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  So just take a breath. Which one of these myths have
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  you believed in the longest? Where have you fought yourself
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  instead of leading yourself? What part of yourself you've
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  been trying to kill to get rid of?
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  Healing doesn't start with being perfect.
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  It starts when you're stepping into some level of kindness and
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  truth with yourself. So it's calling things as they
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  are, but how you engage yourself, the self talk through
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  that, you know, just a friendly reminder if you are the person
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  that did the betraying, the individual seeking recovery and
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  not the person to betrayed. If you hear this and you're
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  like, wow, I need some more self compassion.
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  You don't have to run to your partner who you've hurt and say,
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  hey, you know what I recognize like I got to work on the self
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  compassion part. You don't have to put it in your
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  face that you're lacking self compassion because of their pain
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  of their them being hurt from your choices.
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  Just allow yourself to notice this within yourself and bring
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  your own community into it. And then just notice what level
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  of accountability exists. Notice how you want to move into
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  change, how you don't want to sit back, stop, get stuck and be
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  paralyzed. How you want to actually move
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  and continue forward and fighting for your recovery.
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  Because if self compassion will drive you to engage your partner
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  with empathy and you engage in in hearing her pain and that's
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  what self compassion will drive you towards.
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  It won't distance yourself towards them because it makes
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  more sense of more compassion for partner when we can hold
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  some compassion for self. Hopefully this was for you
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  today. If you're especially if your
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  partner was betrayed, not overwhelmingly triggering
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  experience and recognize that part of me goes, I hope you
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  turned it off. If it's not something that's
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  helpful to you, if you're the betrayed partner and if there is
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  some hurt from it, we'd want to know about it.
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  We want to hear about it. And anyway, hopefully this is
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  prompting to more thought and and thank you for spending the
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  time with us today. Thanks for joining us today if
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  this is something. That you connected with.
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  I'd love to meet with you more and talk about it.
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  So what you can do is go to chooserecoveryservices.com.
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  Or check the show notes. And there what we can do is set
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  up a quick conversation meet. Thanks so much for listening to
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  Beyond the Facade where we unmask the authentic cell.