Latest / The Inspired Speaker Network / Grief Doesn’t Have a Timeline: Healing After Loss

Transcript

Grief Doesn’t Have a Timeline: Healing After Loss · The Inspired Speaker Network

• 0:00
  Hey, everybody.
• 0:01
  Are you having a great day?
• 0:02
  Yes.
• 0:03
  Oh, no, you're not?
• 0:05
  It's okay.
• 0:05
  I got you.
• 0:07
  I'm Tif Loeffler.
• 0:08
  Welcome to Positively Yours.
• 0:10
  I'm going to share Tif's tips, techniques, and a little bit of magic
• 0:13
  to help you up level and have a great day every day.
• 0:18
  Are you ready to get started?
• 0:20
  Yeah!
• 0:21
  Oh, you're not?
• 0:22
  That's okay.
• 0:23
  I still got you.
• 0:24
  Let's go.
• 0:27
  Hello.
• 0:28
  Welcome back.
• 0:29
  This is a two-part series talking about grief and I so appreciate that
• 0:39
  Danielle Benzon is here with me to discuss this because I am...
• 0:48
  I have so much that I want to say and also a lot of it is the story that
• 0:52
  I'm going through, which is personal.
• 0:54
  But I want to also offer to others ways to process and continue to live
• 1:11
  because we are still here and it can be very hard and it felt very messy
• 1:15
  and not good to talk about things and yet how can things ever change
• 1:21
  unless people are willing to start to say, you know, and I'm willing
• 1:23
  to enter an uncomfortable conversation to say that grief, it effing sucks.
• 1:29
  It does.
• 1:30
  And how do you help someone that you see is in grief?
• 1:33
  And I have my tip, a guide, an idea, and it is coming back to we have
• 1:45
  these devices that are called phones and they do many wonderful things.
• 1:50
  They help us communicate with people and there can be the challenge
• 1:56
  when you say to someone and if we are still going to continue the
• 2:00
  part two of talking about grief, if you're having a challenge saying
• 2:04
  something to someone as how to help them and you want to get back to
• 2:09
  them because I will tell you there are times just in the best of days
• 2:13
  and weeks where you go through a week, you're like, oh my gosh, I was
• 2:15
  going to call someone about something and I forgot.
• 2:18
  Well, that can happen too.
• 2:20
  And you know, the other person is having some difficulty.
• 2:24
  So I have set timers.
• 2:26
  I have put it on my calendar and I have also set timers on my phone
• 2:30
  and it simply says call so-and-so.
• 2:33
  And I simply call.
• 2:35
  They might not pick up.
• 2:37
  I will just leave a message and it can be as simple as just saying
• 2:40
  hello.
• 2:41
  I'm just, I'm checking up on you.
• 2:43
  I love you.
• 2:44
  I wish I had anything to say.
• 2:45
  I feel it's always, always okay.
• 2:47
  Pretty much always okay to say, I wish I had anything revolutionary
• 2:52
  or full of wisdom to make it all better.
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  I don't.
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  I had to call because I love you and I care about you.
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  Just any, any of your versions.
• 3:00
  It can just be something just as quick as thinking about you.
• 3:05
  I'll check up on you again and then set yourself another timer.
• 3:08
  And you can text them too.
• 3:10
  I left you a voicemail.
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  I love you.
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  It is amazing.
• 3:15
  You think, what does that, good does that do?
• 3:17
  I didn't really, oh, I will tell you.
• 3:19
  It does a lot.
• 3:21
  When you get, and I don't mean random, I mean just cosmic divine
• 3:26
  timing.
• 3:28
  The guardian angels are like, oh, Tif needs someone to text right
• 3:31
  now and say, boom, here is just what she needed just to get her
• 3:36
  through something or just to remind her.
• 3:40
  And, and that is, that is just really all I have for
• 3:45
  a tip for today.
• 3:46
  Something to guide you, just to let you know that the smallest
• 3:50
  deeds are grander than the grandest intention.
• 3:55
  There's, I've heard versions of that before, but just, you can
• 3:58
  have all these lofty ideas of how you want to help people.
• 4:00
  Yes, I get that.
• 4:01
  I want these lofty ideals.
• 4:02
  And also, grab your phone.
• 4:05
  Just make a call.
• 4:07
  Even if you just write a couple notes, just like, I'm just calling
• 4:10
  this person to say hi.
• 4:11
  That's it.
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  Just, you don't have to, there's no flubbing it up here.
• 4:14
  You just call and you say, hey, how are you?
• 4:18
  Are you okay?
• 4:19
  If you're not, that's okay.
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  I don't know what else to say.
• 4:22
  Whoops.
• 4:23
  You can even laugh about it.
• 4:24
  You can inject some humor, which was lacking in, from me in the
• 4:29
  last episode, but that's okay.
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  I, I didn't have much to say to wrap up because, and I'm glad I
• 4:37
  didn't, because you know where I wanted to go?
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  I wanted to point a few fingers at people who really hurt my
• 4:44
  feelings.
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  Can't help it.
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  They're just, they're just things I just want, but now there is
• 4:50
  something that, as far as working toward a new path for myself, I
• 4:57
  was honored that I got to be on Danielle's podcast and she had
• 5:02
  mentioned that I was writing a book.
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  And you know what?
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  I am.
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  And you know what?
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  I could save it for the book.
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  And there was another quote, but I don't know the person who quoted
• 5:14
  it.
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  So I like to give credit where credit's due, but I do like the
• 5:17
  idea of, yep, you know what?
• 5:19
  I could just save it for the book.
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  And that is something that has been helpful also is journaling.
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  But it's a struggle sometimes, but it's also okay.
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  Basically, if I were to start this off to say, you know what?
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  It's okay to struggle and it's okay to get to a point where you're
• 5:37
  not struggling so much.
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  And so I really appreciate that Danielle is back with me and thank
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  you, Danielle, for bringing up the fact that yes, I am speaking
• 5:49
  and writing from the wound right now.
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  And you, I'm so grateful that you are speaking and writing from
• 5:57
  the scar and I didn't know if there was something else you wanted
• 6:01
  to add to that because I really appreciate you so much.
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  Oh my goodness, what you just said was so rich.
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  I have so much to say.
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  I have four ideas now.
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  I only had one when you started, but now I have four.
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  Let's see if I can remember all of them.
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  The first one was, I love what you said about just reaching out
• 6:17
  to someone.
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  And it reminded me and it was hilarious because just before we
• 6:20
  started this, you're like, do you have anything else to say about
• 6:22
  your grieving process?
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  And I was like, no, I do.
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  Actually, when my dad died, my dad was quite famous.
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  He had a lot of friends.
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  He was very popular.
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  And my sister and I were so inundated with well wishes.
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  It became another weight.
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  And obviously everyone is really well-meaning.
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  I mean, obviously this is all coming from people's best places,
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  but I felt so much obligation to respond to everyone.
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  And I could barely, you know, for the first few days, I could
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  barely get out of bed.
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  I could, even though it was expected, it was also kind of
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  unexpected in a way and I needed to do my own processing and
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  I felt so overwhelmed by all these people and some people
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  really did.
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  They're like, why don't you answer the phone?
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  I'm like, excuse me.
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  No, this is not your, this is not your pity party.
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  But you know, so there was that, but most people were coming
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  from this beautiful place and they wanted me to know that
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  they were thinking of me and it's such a lovely thing.
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  That said, it was because there were so many people, it was
• 7:30
  overwhelming and I had to just switch off my phone for a week.
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  What I really appreciate when I'm going through a hard time
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  and I've gone through many different hard times, different
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  types of hard times.
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  The thing that I really appreciate is when someone reaches
• 7:43
  out and they say, hey, I love you.
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  I'm thinking of you.
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  You do not need to respond to this.
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  I just want you to know that you're loved.
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  That helps so much because for me and specifically for me,
• 7:56
  I have anxiety.
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  It manifests very much in a social way.
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  So whenever it comes to, especially getting back to people
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  is one of the most terrifying things in my life.
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  I'm not scared of some things that other people should be,
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  like that I should be scared of, that other people are scared of.
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  The thing that causes me the most anxiety is getting back
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  to people, which is a weird, silly, sad thing, but it's true.
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  And so when I am in grief or depression or, you know, despair,
• 8:25
  any sort of low place, it makes it that much harder.
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  So hearing from someone that they're like, hey, I don't expect
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  you to respond.
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  That is not why I'm messaging you.
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  I just want you to know that you are loved.
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  It takes the weight off and it allows the real intention
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  to sink in.
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  So I do want to say if you have friends like that, because
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  you know, everyone is different.
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  There are a lot of us NeuroSpicy folks who find getting back
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  to people quite difficult.
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  And so if you know that you have friends like that, just add
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  that little piece on.
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  It can make a huge difference and it can really lighten
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  the weight instead of adding to the load.
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  And if you're reaching out to them, you're probably trying
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  to lighten the weight.
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  So, you know, there's intention and then there's reality and
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  sometimes our intention and reality don't always line up.
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  So the more aware we are, the more information we have, the
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  more effective we can be in our actions.
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  So I wanted to say that because what you said was so beautiful
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  and also I was sitting there thinking, oh, I just remember
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  having all of these messages coming in and just feeling
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  like I can't handle this right now.
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  I just I need to do what is best for me.
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  I also love what you said about, you know, you're saving
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  it for the book.
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  We need to be aware of our intentions and it's not that
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  any of these things are wrong, but we need to know when
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  is an appropriate space.
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  So it's not that you shouldn't speak or write from your
• 9:53
  wound. It's that when you're doing that, you're doing
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  it for you and that is a form of processing and you might
• 10:00
  write a memoir that is specifically for you or you might
• 10:04
  write a memoir that is specifically for the world to take
• 10:06
  messages from.
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  You might write too.
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  You might, you know, you might do a talk that is specifically
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  for you to purge, you know, completely and I'm not saying
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  this in a bad way, a completely selfish act of I need to
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  be seen in this, you might do that and that's okay as long
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  as you own your intentions.
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  So don't mix those things up, always kind of separate
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  them out. Don't try to be like, oh, well, I'll use this
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  as a healing thing and also for to give other people the
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  message because that typically doesn't work.
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  What we tend to do is we're speaking from the wound or
• 10:42
  if we're still processing something, we tend to get very
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  um, what's the word?
• 10:49
  We tend to wallow a bit.
• 10:51
  We tend to get very self-indulgent and there is a time and
• 10:55
  a place for that.
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  It's not wrong.
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  But if I am doing a keynote or if I'm, you know, I'm speaking
• 11:03
  for education or entertainment or something, that is not
• 11:06
  the place for that.
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  And if I am sharing my personal story, if I'm sharing it
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  because I need to share it in order for me to heal, that's
• 11:15
  one thing. If I'm sharing my personal story to build trust
• 11:19
  with clients or that's totally different thing and that
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  isn't about me anymore.
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  That is about them.
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  And so we need to be very intentional about what we share
• 11:29
  and when we share it.
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  Not that there's any, not that there's a right or wrong,
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  but there's a right place or wrong place for these certain
• 11:36
  things and you need to be aware of when you're doing what
• 11:39
  and who you're doing it for and why you're doing it.
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  Be so clear on that because that allows you, when you need
• 11:46
  to just process and feel your grief, it allows you to go
• 11:49
  into that and do it completely.
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  And then when you are sharing your story from the scar to
• 11:56
  show people the messages or the lessons that came from
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  it to say, hey, I've been where you are.
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  That is a very different type of story and it's important
• 12:06
  to be aware of that when you're writing, when you're speaking,
• 12:08
  when you're sharing with people.
• 12:10
  So I did just want to say that intentionality is very, very
• 12:13
  important and it's not that you shouldn't share it.
• 12:16
  It's just that you need to be honest about your intentions.
• 12:21
  Yes, and just honest in the just feeling all the feels
• 12:26
  and it is so funny just in our previous episode, there
• 12:34
  were things that I was struggling with simply because I'm
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  struggling and that's okay.
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  And you are where you are.
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  That's it.
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  And again, I so appreciate having this opportunity to talk
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  some things out.
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  And yes, thank you because admittedly, it got heavy
• 13:01
  because I was feeling heavy and there are going to be heavy
• 13:05
  moments and light moments and I thank you for offering
• 13:10
  some perspectives that because ultimately, I truly
• 13:18
  appreciate those who are on actual movement, a revolution,
• 13:24
  an evolution of how we process grief, talk about grief, support
• 13:29
  each other through grief because I really feel that time
• 13:33
  has come and it's just so weird because I love words so
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  much, but it's so hard to say where it's like because I'm
• 13:43
  so grateful.
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  It's like, yeah, I just feel it's always going to be this
• 13:47
  little part of me.
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  It's always going to say, you know what?
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  I'm not grateful.
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  Okay, what do we want to court here?
• 13:51
  And he's not and it effing sucks and also, but I don't have
• 13:56
  to say it that way like all the times.
• 13:58
  I just because I will say my sense of humor went away quite
• 14:03
  a bit for quite a while and that's a hard thing.
• 14:08
  I didn't like listening to music, didn't like a lot of things
• 14:13
  and that's why I'm so grateful that I am surrounded by the
• 14:17
  people I'm surrounded with because when you said, I actually
• 14:20
  thought and I'm just saying this as an observation without
• 14:23
  getting into story.
• 14:24
  It is fascinating to me and this is for so many other life
• 14:29
  events as well.
• 14:29
  The people that you thought would be there for you.
• 14:31
  There are a certain amount that you thought they'd be there
• 14:34
  and they are and it's amazing.
• 14:37
  There and then there are people who you thought we're going
• 14:40
  to be there and they booked a flight to the other side of
• 14:44
  the world one way.
• 14:46
  Yeah, and you never hear from them again and you're like,
• 14:51
  wow, and sometimes a little bit later.
• 14:53
  You're like, yeah, I should have seen that and should in a
• 14:56
  cheeky way.
• 14:57
  Yeah.
• 14:57
  I should have seen that coming there other ones where you're
• 14:58
  like, are you kidding me even to the point of after all I've
• 15:02
  done for you and then this and it's like and then there are
• 15:07
  people who you didn't think that they even knew your name,
• 15:11
  but you grew up with them.
• 15:13
  They come out of the woodwork.
• 15:14
  Yeah, and if I were to offer a beautifully selfish request
• 15:20
  for those who are hearing this on any level of their grief
• 15:24
  grab on to those people who the two camps like there's that
• 15:28
  third camp.
• 15:29
  They flew the coop.
• 15:30
  Guess what?
• 15:31
  Fine.
• 15:32
  Make sure that you just lean into and surround yourself with
• 15:37
  those people both who came out of the woodwork and who are
• 15:40
  always there and those are those are it's it's beautiful because
• 15:46
  when I was listening to you talk about all the people who
• 15:48
  came out and talk, you know wanted to talk about your dad
• 15:51
  and I think that is beautiful.
• 15:54
  I I didn't have as much as I would have liked but that was
• 15:58
  for different circumstances.
• 15:59
  So again, if I could just I could wrap it all up right now,
• 16:03
  you know what grief is a thing and it's your thing and you
• 16:06
  got to do your thing.
• 16:07
  There you go, but there could be maybe a couple other things
• 16:10
  to talk about and I really like what you said about how about
• 16:14
  this episode how to move into having because if I want to
• 16:21
  help you have you know you out there in the audience have a
• 16:26
  great day.
• 16:28
  How do you have a great day when when this happens and part
• 16:34
  of it is your definition of great like having a happy day
• 16:37
  is one thing but having a great meaningful connected day can
• 16:41
  absolutely happen when you're in grief and it reminds me
• 16:45
  you know, it's funny.
• 16:47
  I think we have very different experiences of family and
• 16:50
  community and it's interesting because I think the Western
• 16:55
  culture is a very individualized one and things like church
• 17:01
  and faith can bring people together and there are there
• 17:07
  is so much value in rituals with other people, you know, we
• 17:14
  have funerals for a reason we have wakes for a reason we
• 17:17
  we have anniversaries and celebrations.
• 17:19
  We do this for a purpose and that coming together of people
• 17:24
  for a specific intention is so important and as someone who
• 17:28
  doesn't have that built into my culture.
• 17:32
  It's been really interesting creating that for myself and
• 17:36
  my partner in Vancouver and I for a while there were there
• 17:40
  were a few years that were really rough and we ended up
• 17:42
  creating these we didn't want it because we both have our
• 17:46
  birthdays about the same time and neither of us wanted to
• 17:48
  celebrate our birthdays.
• 17:48
  We were so grumpy and we had a horrible year and so we ended
• 17:51
  up having a grieving party instead and we're just like well,
• 17:53
  I want to grieve the year because it was so terrible and
• 17:57
  a good number of our friends came actually more than we'd
• 17:59
  expected and we created this little ritual around saying
• 18:05
  goodbye to all of the horrible things that happened and we
• 18:08
  learned things about our friends that we didn't know had
• 18:09
  happened to them that year and it was the most beautiful
• 18:15
  connected poignant deep moving experience.
• 18:20
  It was a great day.
• 18:23
  We weren't laughing and joking and being silly and and you
• 18:27
  know, but it was such a great day because we were so connected
• 18:31
  with the people that we loved.
• 18:33
  We were sharing real things.
• 18:34
  We're sharing our struggles.
• 18:35
  We're honoring each other and we were saying goodbye to that
• 18:38
  and hello to the new year and it was those rituals are so
• 18:41
  important. Human beings need ritual.
• 18:43
  We need social rituals together and whatever that looks like
• 18:47
  for you.
• 18:47
  It's different for everyone and that's fine.
• 18:50
  But don't let yourself think that just because you maybe
• 18:54
  don't have something baked in that you don't need it.
• 18:57
  You get to design your own.
• 18:59
  Maybe you do your birthday party in a certain way or maybe
• 19:02
  you celebrate the solstices or whatever it is you do.
• 19:06
  Find ways to get intentionally to intentionally bring people
• 19:10
  together for a certain purpose.
• 19:13
  Even if it's only once a year or if it's around, you know,
• 19:17
  an anniversary of someone's death or something it can be
• 19:20
  so profound and it can be truly great without being happy,
• 19:27
  happy, joy, joy.
• 19:27
  You know, it could be it could be meaningful.
• 19:29
  It can be connecting.
• 19:31
  It can it can be deep.
• 19:33
  It can be full of love.
• 19:37
  It doesn't need to be surface-level happy to be full of love
• 19:41
  and meaning and connection.
• 19:43
  So human beings need rituals.
• 19:46
  We need these these these secret spaces and these time times
• 19:50
  to connect to one another in a very intentional way.
• 19:53
  Don't be scared to do that with the people that you love or
• 19:57
  with people who just care and want to show up and maybe
• 20:00
  you're like, oh, I didn't didn't know that you cared but
• 20:03
  you want to so great.
• 20:04
  Maybe it's it's the chance to create new connections.
• 20:07
  You know, that's great too.
• 20:09
  We it doesn't take when we're in the right space and in the
• 20:13
  right headspace.
• 20:14
  It doesn't take a lot of time to create a connection with
• 20:16
  another human being.
• 20:17
  It can be almost instantaneous.
• 20:20
  You don't have to know someone for years to be very close
• 20:23
  to them.
• 20:23
  You can build closeness very quickly if you know how and
• 20:28
  if you're open to it.
• 20:29
  And so don't be scared of doing that either appreciate other
• 20:33
  humans and and maybe they have a moment of closeness and
• 20:36
  they leave and that's beautiful too.
• 20:37
  They gave you a gift.
• 20:38
  So these these beautiful connecting moments.
• 20:43
  Doesn't all need to be about happiness and you know, silly
• 20:47
  jokes.
• 20:47
  It can be a deeply profound experience where we support
• 20:51
  and love each other and that's great too.
• 20:56
  I love.
• 20:58
  I love that about the that connection doesn't you can build
• 21:04
  your own.
• 21:06
  Yeah, it's just very briefly.
• 21:13
  We there was there was a celebration of life for court
• 21:19
  in Florida.
• 21:20
  We did not have one here in the Midwest where I admit I still
• 21:26
  haven't even written the obituary.
• 21:27
  And I don't know that I ever will and there are these
• 21:31
  expectations like things that you must do and I one of my
• 21:36
  relatives was very kind saying to me.
• 21:39
  If you need to do that for yourself whenever it doesn't
• 21:43
  have to be on any timeline and it is for you.
• 21:46
  It's not for the other people that was very like because
• 21:50
  I felt an obligation and the weight because again grief
• 21:53
  can be so you can it can be so weighing down and I also
• 21:57
  Love because again, I have big family on both sides mom
• 22:02
  and dad and we just had on my mom's side of reunion and
• 22:07
  it was so wonderful because the timing was off.
• 22:12
  In previous years just because of just the time of year,
• 22:16
  but we had it recently and it was just a really good time
• 22:18
  of year so many people showed up and people there are a
• 22:21
  few people I had never met and it was so wonderful and
• 22:24
  they and they said because you know, there's this thing
• 22:28
  people like get together and get married and have babies
• 22:30
  or they just get together and have babies.
• 22:31
  So they just get together and you just see the you know,
• 22:33
  the significant others the partners the spouses the kid.
• 22:36
  Yeah, it's so fun and to have people say wow, I and and
• 22:41
  so lovely to hear.
• 22:43
  Oh, you know what?
• 22:43
  It was so nice to meet you.
• 22:44
  I think I want to come back next year.
• 22:45
  Like this is such a cool thing that is being created and
• 22:48
  it took time and I I really appreciate it and thank you
• 22:52
  for that because that is such a an authentic positive is
• 22:57
  to create create what you need like yes, you can take
• 23:03
  a page from a playbook of of wakes and celebrations of
• 23:07
  life's and funerals and remembrances and and those things
• 23:12
  and also if there's something else that you need to do
• 23:15
  that you need to create then you can do that and if I
• 23:19
  were to something else I was going to say but it was
• 23:24
  just along the lines of you know, there's it's it's it
• 23:32
  is your journey.
• 23:32
  Oh, yes, there was it's a I think a lovely thing to say
• 23:38
  and then a tonality.
• 23:40
  I think there was like I think if previous the previous
• 23:43
  episode I said there might be a couple of things I want
• 23:44
  to say and here was one of them, but I'm I am trying
• 23:48
  to keep it on a you know, not too heavy.
• 23:53
  I appreciate when one of my cousins said to me that
• 24:03
  because you you don't you hear people say this person
• 24:06
  wouldn't want you to not go on living and I feel that's
• 24:08
  pretty much a beautiful thing to say to someone at the
• 24:12
  right time.
• 24:14
  What what took me a bit a back in a beautiful way was
• 24:19
  my cousin said.
• 24:21
  I know he didn't want to leave you, you know, it's and
• 24:26
  I think yeah, you ever feel there is and there's there's
• 24:30
  the develop of tears because I had such a powerful dream.
• 24:37
  It was maybe within two days and it was one of those
• 24:42
  dreams where it was real.
• 24:43
  There was no court was there and I'm like court.
• 24:46
  He said hey, we're hugging and I've said to him.
• 24:49
  You know, what do you like?
• 24:51
  Why did you have to he's and and I heard it, you know,
• 24:53
  I just heard and I could see his he's saying it and I
• 24:56
  can hear his voice.
• 24:56
  He's like, I know I didn't want to it was kind of like
• 24:59
  a and yeah, and I feel like it's okay to to if you
• 25:07
  either want to say that or feel that in your heart,
• 25:09
  you know what they didn't want to go.
• 25:11
  I mean who really wants to if you're like the party
• 25:13
  was just getting started and even if someone was going
• 25:17
  through and and it is hard to if a person didn't
• 25:22
  want to go but they they did through however, I feel
• 25:28
  that there are three things that I could say to
• 25:30
  someone when you're ready, please know that we were
• 25:36
  still here.
• 25:36
  We love you.
• 25:37
  And we know that you know, the person wouldn't want
• 25:39
  you to can to never be happy or to continue to live
• 25:43
  life.
• 25:44
  I feel that's okay to say and now I do feel it's
• 25:46
  okay to say in our in our heart of hearts.
• 25:51
  Do we truly think that they wanted to go and I
• 25:53
  can see people going?
• 25:54
  No, they didn't want it's like I know and here's
• 25:56
  where it effing sucks comes into play totally and
• 26:00
  then there's that third one and you know what that
• 26:02
  third one I haven't figured out yet yet and I feel
• 26:04
  that that third that third part is going to be for
• 26:09
  each person to experience for themselves.
• 26:13
  So I haven't figured it out for myself yet.
• 26:16
  I just give all the all the amazing.
• 26:20
  I don't know how my my mother lived through that
• 26:23
  day and the fact that she is still alive and still
• 26:26
  living.
• 26:28
  Of course my my my dad and my youngest brother
• 26:32
  and myself.
• 26:33
  It's just sorry.
• 26:35
  That's just like it's all yeah, and and still it's
• 26:40
  it's amazing again.
• 26:41
  Just a little you know, people would say I think
• 26:44
  it hadn't been but a few months and I was told
• 26:48
  by a couple people, you know, she really needs
• 26:49
  to get over it.
• 26:51
  So again, I just got a cheekily throw in people.
• 26:54
  Here's where a kind of a bonus tip tips tips of
• 26:59
  if you're going to say something to someone even
• 27:03
  if you say to them, hold on.
• 27:04
  I got a pause here and they'll be like, okay,
• 27:05
  what I think to yourself is it necessary is it
• 27:09
  kind like maybe it's absolutely not kind but it's
• 27:13
  extremely necessary.
• 27:14
  Like if you see that they're in a critical state
• 27:16
  and you okay.
• 27:18
  But I will say I've had to check myself many
• 27:20
  a time.
• 27:21
  There's so many things I want to say and then
• 27:23
  I think is it necessary?
• 27:24
  Is it kind?
• 27:25
  Nope.
• 27:25
  Maybe I don't need to say it in the moment.
• 27:27
  So I think those are the couple of things that
• 27:29
  I just wanted to wrap up on my right my mini
• 27:32
  rants.
• 27:33
  So thank you for that to get back to so, you
• 27:37
  know, you got you got your ups and downs and
• 27:40
  I'd ask you to take it from here about the
• 27:43
  next step, which is building a new a new path.
• 27:48
  Yeah, and it's important to to acknowledge that
• 27:51
  grief is going to be difficult different for
• 27:52
  everyone.
• 27:53
  Some people are going to look like they're okay
• 27:55
  and be crumbling on the inside.
• 27:57
  Some people are going to be okay.
• 27:59
  Some people are not going to be okay.
• 28:00
  Some people are going to be angry.
• 28:01
  Some people are going to be sad.
• 28:02
  So be it doesn't matter.
• 28:04
  It's their journey.
• 28:06
  It's not your journey.
• 28:07
  It's their journey.
• 28:07
  And I mean, that's kind of like true for life
• 28:09
  though. If it's if it's not directly affecting
• 28:13
  you, you don't get to tell them how to live
• 28:16
  their life.
• 28:16
  It's you know, it's like certain types of people
• 28:19
  getting married.
• 28:20
  Does it affect your life in any way?
• 28:23
  No, leave them, leave them be, let them do
• 28:25
  whatever they want, you know, if they're not
• 28:29
  harming you, if they're not actually physically
• 28:31
  harming you, let them do what they want.
• 28:34
  So there is that.
• 28:35
  I think it is important to acknowledge.
• 28:40
  That feelings are huge and we all have our own
• 28:43
  journey. And be kind of because it is no one's
• 28:48
  job to fix us.
• 28:50
  We are at choice.
• 28:53
  And it is your choice to honor your grief.
• 28:57
  And it is your choice to decide when you when
• 29:01
  you want whenever it makes sense to you.
• 29:04
  Everyone is different.
• 29:05
  It is your choice to decide when you want to
• 29:08
  start changing things or moving through something
• 29:11
  or processing it. And no one is going to do
• 29:15
  that for you.
• 29:16
  Yeah, no one is going to do it for you.
• 29:18
  Yeah.
• 29:19
  It is up to you and everything is up to you.
• 29:23
  So and this is very important to me in my
• 29:25
  depression because I really just wanted someone
• 29:28
  to come and fix me.
• 29:30
  And of course no one can.
• 29:32
  Absolutely not.
• 29:33
  No one can.
• 29:34
  You know, people could be there for you as
• 29:36
  much as they want.
• 29:36
  But at the end of the day, it is your choice.
• 29:39
  And I think it is the same with grief.
• 29:42
  For me, one of the things when I was kind of
• 29:46
  when I felt like I was drowning and I wanted
• 29:48
  to find a way to stop drowning because you have
• 29:51
  to want to.
• 29:54
  Something that really helped me because, you
• 29:57
  know, reaching out to people and all that is
• 29:59
  extremely important and you need other people,
• 30:01
  but they are not always there.
• 30:03
  And again, it is not their responsibility to
• 30:04
  be. So we have to be self-reliant as well.
• 30:09
  And hopefully we can have a blend of both.
• 30:13
  For me, taking matters into my own hands and
• 30:17
  kind of going, okay, how am I going to pull
• 30:20
  myself out of this?
• 30:21
  And sometimes it means getting medication or
• 30:24
  you know, I am not saying that was not part
• 30:26
  of my journey, but it can be absolutely depends
• 30:29
  on there is lots of different types of grief
• 30:31
  and sorrow and depression.
• 30:33
  Different people have different needs.
• 30:36
  For me, something that really helped was going
• 30:42
  okay, it is where it is, things suck, fine.
• 30:47
  What are the small things that I have control
• 30:51
  over that I know bring me joy or pleasure or
• 30:55
  peace? And how can I start integrating those
• 30:59
  into my daily life?
• 31:01
  And so I made a list of every time I feel like
• 31:05
  life is not worth living anymore.
• 31:07
  Can I do one of these things?
• 31:09
  I can't remember the whole list.
• 31:11
  One of them was blowing bubbles and for years
• 31:14
  I carried a little bottle of bubbles in my
• 31:17
  pocket for whenever things got too much.
• 31:19
  I would blow bubbles and I would see the
• 31:20
  beauty and the wonder of the bubbles and it
• 31:23
  would just lift my heart and it would remind
• 31:25
  me that I do believe that, you know, I believe
• 31:32
  that we live in chaos.
• 31:33
  There is still so much beauty in that chaos
• 31:35
  and it brought the wonder back for me.
• 31:38
  So that was one of the things.
• 31:40
  One of the things is a good cup of coffee.
• 31:42
  And okay, that's not completely up to me, but
• 31:45
  it's pretty much in my control most of the
• 31:47
  time. A good cup of coffee, most days, that can
• 31:51
  turn my day around.
• 31:53
  The sun on my face, the smell of newly cut
• 31:56
  grass. Okay, that's a harder one to do
• 31:58
  on your own as well.
• 31:59
  But, you know, I made a list.
• 32:03
  Can't always feel the sun on your face either.
• 32:06
  There were a bunch of them. A hot shower.
• 32:10
  Oh, yes.
• 32:12
  And just small everyday things that could take
• 32:17
  me out of where I was.
• 32:21
  And a lot of, especially in depression, a lot
• 32:23
  of people say, you know, get out of your, and
• 32:26
  I'm always going to mix this up, I think, get
• 32:27
  out of your parasympathetic into your sympathetic.
• 32:29
  Where's the other word?
• 32:30
  I can't remember, but get out of one system
• 32:32
  into the other nervous system.
• 32:34
  And, you know, the way you do that is you
• 32:36
  tune into your senses.
• 32:37
  You go, what can you smell?
• 32:38
  What can you taste?
• 32:39
  What can you hear?
• 32:40
  What can you see?
• 32:41
  And by the time you've finished naming five
• 32:43
  things for each sense, you are very much in
• 32:45
  your body.
• 32:46
  And when you're present, you can be, you're
• 32:50
  very much feeling, you know, pain or whatever
• 32:53
  it is you're feeling.
• 32:54
  But when we're present, there's no space for
• 32:56
  the story and the story is typically what
• 32:58
  weighs us down.
• 33:00
  It's, most of us can handle pain.
• 33:03
  Or grief or despair or whatever that moment,
• 33:05
  the momentary emotion is not usually what
• 33:08
  gets us.
• 33:09
  What gets us is the story, the meaning we
• 33:11
  make around it, the, I'm never going to see
• 33:13
  that person again, all that stuff.
• 33:15
  That's past, present, story, meaning making.
• 33:18
  But if we can get into the present in
• 33:20
  ourselves, into sensation, into awareness,
• 33:26
  into complete presence, there was a joy
• 33:31
  there.
• 33:32
  There's always a joy in being, even if
• 33:34
  you're like, I just broke my foot.
• 33:37
  I'm in a lot of pain.
• 33:38
  There's, there's a joy to that, the fact
• 33:41
  that you are experiencing, the fact that
• 33:42
  you're feeling can be a joyful thing.
• 33:45
  And you know, it can, it couldn't coexist
• 33:47
  with a lot of other feelings.
• 33:51
  And, but bringing yourself purely into
• 33:53
  sensation, connected to your breath, feeling
• 33:55
  your breath, feeling the movement of your
• 33:57
  body, feeling your lungs move and your
• 33:58
  blood pump and those things, the pressure
• 34:01
  and the heat and the cold, they can take
• 34:05
  you out of the meaning making, because
• 34:07
  it's the meaning making that drives us
• 34:10
  off the rails.
• 34:11
  It's the meaning making that really gets
• 34:13
  us.
• 34:14
  So living more in the present moment, and
• 34:17
  that is something I try to do more and
• 34:18
  more every day because I like living in
• 34:20
  the present.
• 34:21
  It, it feels good.
• 34:23
  And so I do it as much as I can now, but
• 34:25
  at the beginning it was a, it was a way
• 34:27
  to escape the stories, the voices in my
• 34:31
  head, the, the feelings and the judgments
• 34:35
  and all of that stuff.
• 34:37
  I could escape into the present and that
• 34:42
  it's not really escape, but you know,
• 34:45
  it's, it's, I could, I could, I feel it's
• 34:47
  like it's that embrace of the present, the
• 34:50
  embrace of the present.
• 34:50
  Yeah, embracing the present brings you really
• 34:52
  into the now, brings you really into reality
• 34:54
  and it allows you to battle that self-talk
• 34:58
  and all of that stuff in a way that is
• 35:02
  very difficult to do.
• 35:03
  It's difficult to fight your brain sometimes.
• 35:06
  And so going into that present is very
• 35:08
  important.
• 35:08
  I also just wanted to say, I just remembered
• 35:09
  you said something about, I can't remember
• 35:13
  what you said, but you said something that
• 35:14
  made me want to reiterate that there was
• 35:17
  no such thing as a pure emotion.
• 35:20
  We are never feeling purely happy or purely
• 35:22
  sad or purely angry.
• 35:24
  We are all things all at once, always.
• 35:27
  There's different ratios.
• 35:30
  I'm all about the ratios and percentages.
• 35:32
  But you, you can, you can grieve someone
• 35:36
  and be happy.
• 35:37
  You can, you can feel all of the things
• 35:41
  and different ones are going to take the
• 35:43
  stage, different ones are going to take the
• 35:45
  spotlight at different times.
• 35:46
  But you are, as human beings, we are messy
• 35:49
  and we are intermingled and there is no
• 35:52
  such thing as a pure emotion.
• 35:55
  So kind of going, and if there is, it's like
• 35:58
  this, I did lose that person.
• 36:00
  My life isn't going to be the way it was
• 36:04
  and I am grateful and I am angry and I am
• 36:08
  sad. You can be all the things.
• 36:11
  That is the beauty of being human is we
• 36:13
  encapsulate an entire universe within us.
• 36:19
  So I just wanted to say that.
• 36:21
  Well, I'm glad you did.
• 36:24
  I'm glad, I'm glad you're glad.
• 36:26
  I really, really like, again, I'm so, I so
• 36:31
  appreciate, I so appreciate this conversation.
• 36:35
  Thank you, because it's reminding me of a
• 36:38
  couple things that perhaps I can offer.
• 36:43
  The day that Court died, I remember I had
• 36:46
  to be outside with air, with sky.
• 36:53
  Yes.
• 36:54
  If I could offer a specific change in
• 36:58
  environment, just as a loving, you know,
• 37:01
  trying to keep it authentically positive on
• 37:03
  how to help in the moments when you're in
• 37:07
  a room with the walls, they feel like they
• 37:09
  can close in on you.
• 37:11
  And so I had to be very conscious of a
• 37:14
  reminder to myself.
• 37:15
  I had to be outside.
• 37:16
  I had to be in a very, very open space
• 37:19
  to see a lot of sky, not just, I'm fortunate
• 37:23
  where I live and there is the open sky.
• 37:28
  And to one very, something that helped my
• 37:35
  mom immensely was she went for a walk and
• 37:38
  was in nature and went for a walk every
• 37:41
  day from the day because that talking about
• 37:47
  having to go put one foot in front of the
• 37:50
  other, act like a literal and actually.
• 37:55
  So I, so because if I were also to offer
• 37:58
  a loving, loving support that, and I've,
• 38:03
  this is not me, this has been told to me
• 38:05
  by so many people and I so appreciate it.
• 38:07
  It's sometimes it's the moment by moment,
• 38:10
  it's not even minute by minute, it's the
• 38:12
  moment by, fine, start there.
• 38:14
  Like just do that.
• 38:16
  Absolutely.
• 38:17
  You just do that.
• 38:18
  Like it doesn't have to be, it just have
• 38:20
  to, if you can't get through the day, the
• 38:22
  hour, the minute, if it's just, okay, for
• 38:25
  the next what, just moment, that's okay.
• 38:30
  And it's kind of a type of presence too.
• 38:32
  It really is.
• 38:33
  Thank you so much for talking about being
• 38:35
  in the present moment because if I were
• 38:38
  to mix, mix some metaphors here, mix some
• 38:41
  metaphors, because I do have a faith and
• 38:45
  I do feel that this is not all that, this
• 38:49
  life, this body, this isn't it.
• 38:52
  This is just a part of it.
• 38:54
  What I know beyond, I don't.
• 38:57
  I find it humorous when people try to
• 38:59
  speculate.
• 39:01
  And also if I were to say that there
• 39:04
  are, there is the light and the darkness
• 39:07
  as far as a, the good and evil, if I
• 39:12
  want to get down to that, the worst is to
• 39:16
  let the evil take over and stop you from
• 39:20
  living your life and keep you down.
• 39:23
  I am not, but please hear me.
• 39:26
  I'm not saying that if you are going
• 39:28
  through moments of that, there's no judgment
• 39:29
  here, there's only absolute love.
• 39:30
  I get it.
• 39:31
  So many days that I just couldn't even do
• 39:35
  anything.
• 39:36
  It's okay.
• 39:38
  Yeah, it's just to offer that, lean into
• 39:41
  people as much as you can, because that
• 39:47
  it seems almost like the purpose of evil
• 39:50
  is to keep us from living, just from
• 39:54
  enjoying life.
• 39:54
  I don't know how, and again, I know I
• 39:56
  got real like, but I mean this in an
• 39:59
  uplifting way that, you know what, just
• 40:01
  by saying, I'm going to have an effing
• 40:03
  good day and I don't care, I'm effing
• 40:04
  going to do it and nobody can effing
• 40:06
  stop me, like that just brightens
• 40:08
  it up, that just brings a light because
• 40:11
  you have the light in you always.
• 40:14
  There's no, there's only absolute love
• 40:16
  here for however, and that's how I got,
• 40:20
  how I'm getting through it.
• 40:22
  I still feel wounded and also I still
• 40:24
  have my light and I love to shine my
• 40:27
  light and I still have my light and I
• 40:29
  love people and I want to help people
• 40:31
  and I want us all to be in that
• 40:33
  so thank you Danielle for talking so
• 40:35
  much about the power of choice in the
• 40:37
  present moment because that's where the
• 40:39
  light is and that's where we shine and
• 40:41
  that's where we allow others to shine.
• 40:43
  It's that, that glorious Marianne
• 40:46
  Williamson, you know, who am I to be
• 40:49
  talented, fabulous, who are you not to
• 40:51
  be?
• 40:51
  Come on, you know.
• 40:54
  And that, that is a beautiful thing.
• 40:55
  I mean, just to kind of say, you know,
• 40:57
  it doesn't matter how grumpy or sad or
• 40:58
  whatever I'm going to be, I'm going to
• 40:59
  be alive today, you know, there's, you
• 41:01
  can be a little bit grumpy.
• 41:03
  Nothing wrong with that.
• 41:04
  I'm often a very grumpy gremlin, but
• 41:06
  yeah, I'm still alive.
• 41:07
  I'm still feeling it.
• 41:09
  I'm still, I am the most grumpiest of
• 41:10
  grumpy gremlins there ever was and that
• 41:13
  feels good and there's a good feeling
• 41:15
  in that.
• 41:16
  So there's, there's that and yeah, who
• 41:20
  are you not to be, you know, and I know
• 41:22
  that you are still on your journey Tif
• 41:24
  and I know you are still struggling
• 41:26
  with guilt, like you have a bit of
• 41:28
  survivor's guilt going on.
• 41:29
  Oh, yeah, yeah.
• 41:32
  And I think embracing that, I think
• 41:40
  that's still, this is still something
• 41:41
  I just want to invite you to kind of
• 41:44
  think about is, and for everybody, that
• 41:46
  you know, it's you, yeah, who are you
• 41:51
  not to, who are you not to love your
• 41:54
  life?
• 41:56
  And if you don't love it, that's up to
• 42:00
  you.
• 42:00
  You get to change that.
• 42:02
  Don't blame someone else for not loving
• 42:04
  your life.
• 42:04
  If you don't love your life, you get
• 42:07
  to change it.
• 42:10
  And if you are feeling guilty or if
• 42:14
  you are being like, well, I have to
• 42:15
  be unhappy because I just feel like
• 42:19
  that's such a tragedy because A, I
• 42:21
  don't think anyone who loves you would
• 42:22
  ever want you to feel that way.
• 42:24
  And also you're kind of blaming them,
• 42:27
  you know, and I don't think they would
• 42:31
  want that either.
• 42:33
  So, you know, so there's, you know, and
• 42:36
  they want the best for you and it's
• 42:39
  hard to feel like you deserve it because
• 42:43
  you know, how dare I be happy when
• 42:48
  this light, this one light has gone out
• 42:50
  but then it's like, well, but also how
• 42:52
  dare you ignore all the other lights in
• 42:54
  front of you?
• 42:55
  How dare you, you know, so I think there
• 43:00
  is, it's a difficult thing to accept and
• 43:03
  it's not that they don't mean something
• 43:05
  and it's not that you don't, you know,
• 43:09
  grieve their loss every day and we're
• 43:13
  human beings and we can, we can contain
• 43:14
  everything.
• 43:15
  We can contain grief and love and joy
• 43:17
  and we could still live the best life
• 43:20
  we would ever live even without them
• 43:24
  here because it's all up to you.
• 43:29
  And they wouldn't want you, they wouldn't
• 43:32
  want to hold you back.
• 43:34
  Nope.
• 43:37
  Thank you because and it is the, it is
• 43:45
  so interesting to me that I feel that
• 43:50
  and again, everybody has their own thoughts
• 43:52
  and feelings on things.
• 43:53
  For me, it is so confounding and I, it's
• 43:58
  confounding and I don't, I understand
• 44:01
  that Court is, I understand he died.
• 44:04
  I, you know, it's like there's no, yeah,
• 44:06
  but it is very confounding to me that
• 44:08
  I don't, I don't feel that he is gone.
• 44:12
  I feel him like he's right here and it
• 44:17
  confuses me and I don't understand it
• 44:20
  and it's, it's, it's very, I guess in the
• 44:25
  there I'm, this is coming, that's, I'm
• 44:27
  just gloss over it and move on because
• 44:29
  that's coming away from the wound of a,
• 44:31
  of a not dark but very deep, like wow.
• 44:36
  And again, I just so appreciate the,
• 44:42
  definitely the love and I feel like I,
• 44:48
  please say what you want to say because
• 44:49
  then I do want to offer, I do want to.
• 44:52
  I feel like accepting that someone has
• 44:58
  passed and healing from it doesn't mean
• 45:02
  leaving them behind.
• 45:04
  They can still be with you.
• 45:06
  They can be with you forever for the
• 45:07
  rest of your life and you can still know
• 45:10
  that they are not alive anymore, but they
• 45:13
  can still be with you.
• 45:15
  You do, this idea that you have to get
• 45:16
  over it or leave someone behind is garbage.
• 45:21
  It's garbage.
• 45:22
  I don't even feel that way about people
• 45:24
  who have left my life, you know, like
• 45:27
  breakups or voluntary, whatever.
• 45:29
  They're still part of me.
• 45:30
  I am, I am accumulation of all my
• 45:33
  experiences and all my relationships and
• 45:35
  all my connections and that person has
• 45:38
  changed me and they will always be part
• 45:41
  of me because they have changed who I am.
• 45:44
  And so they are always with you.
• 45:47
  You don't need to leave them behind.
• 45:48
  You don't need to get over it.
• 45:50
  You get to integrate that and you get
• 45:52
  to have them as part of you and live
• 45:55
  your full life, not holding on to them,
• 45:58
  not creating a creepy shrine and, you
• 46:01
  know, comparing every other person in
• 46:02
  your life to them, not like that, but
• 46:04
  just, you know, they part of making
• 46:07
  you who you are and that's a beautiful
• 46:09
  thing.
• 46:12
  No creepy shrines and also, love that
• 46:15
  you brought that up, as a loving, I do
• 46:18
  so appreciate when Kort's wife, Widow,
• 46:24
  when we, when we met, the time that
• 46:28
  happened, she asked, was there anything
• 46:30
  that she could do for our family?
• 46:32
  And I admit, I said, we are a family
• 46:35
  who likes stuff.
• 46:37
  If at any point that you are willing
• 46:39
  to let us have some of his things, that
• 46:42
  would help my mom very much and I so
• 46:45
  appreciate that she did, very, I'm
• 46:49
  eternally grateful because it was just
• 46:53
  our way helping us so much that she
• 46:56
  was very generous in what she gifted
• 46:58
  us and I know that that is not always
• 47:01
  the case and maybe I'm just throwing
• 47:03
  that out there to everybody saying,
• 47:04
  you know what, it's just stuff, but if
• 47:06
  it, if you can offer it to someone
• 47:09
  that it would help them, that is a
• 47:11
  beautiful thing and everybody's got
• 47:13
  their own different, but I did want
• 47:14
  to give a shout out because I really,
• 47:16
  she could have just as well said, I'm
• 47:18
  just, I don't want to deal, but she
• 47:20
  very kindly said, yep, absolutely.
• 47:24
  And when she got to that point and we
• 47:26
  do, we do have things of his and I
• 47:29
  do appreciate that and thank you for
• 47:32
  saying, because it's okay to have those
• 47:34
  things and thank you so much, Danielle,
• 47:36
  for saying it's not a get rid, like
• 47:40
  get over it and, and in that sense
• 47:43
  of, of now, you don't like separating.
• 47:48
  So thank you so much for that, how
• 47:50
  you, however you said it, thank you
• 47:51
  for those words and how you said it
• 47:53
  of, it doesn't mean, you know, you
• 47:55
  got to get over it and move on and
• 47:56
  let go of everything and, and, and
• 47:58
  never remember just like that type
• 48:00
  of, because that's what it feels like
• 48:02
  sometimes. So talk about a beautiful
• 48:05
  positive spin on that integration,
• 48:08
  that letting, letting it be and so.
• 48:12
  Yeah.
• 48:14
  And as human beings, we imbue meaning
• 48:17
  onto inanimate objects.
• 48:18
  We just do, you know, that's just,
• 48:20
  it's a human nature thing and it
• 48:22
  can be dangerous because if our
• 48:23
  house burns down and, and we put
• 48:25
  too much meaning into the things
• 48:26
  then we, that we can be devastated.
• 48:28
  So there is that, so non-attachment
• 48:29
  is important.
• 48:30
  However, it is also, it's part of
• 48:33
  who we are, it's a part of how
• 48:35
  we relate to the world and there's
• 48:37
  this, again, most of my wisdom
• 48:39
  comes from Facebook.
• 48:41
  This one of these Facebook posts
• 48:43
  about, you know, I am an amalgamation
• 48:45
  of all these people, you know, I
• 48:46
  eat, I have this recipe from an
• 48:48
  ex-girlfriend, you know, in grade
• 48:51
  school and I always make, it's my
• 48:52
  favorite recipe and I, I know this
• 48:54
  song because of this person, this
• 48:56
  cousin who has now passed and I,
• 48:57
  you know, we are an amalgamation
• 48:59
  of the people that we have connected
• 49:01
  with and sometimes that takes the
• 49:04
  physical form of something.
• 49:06
  My dad was an artist.
• 49:07
  So I have some paintings around
• 49:08
  the house that I would be devastated
• 49:10
  if I lost. I have taken photos of
• 49:12
  them because I would like to
• 49:13
  preserve, you know, I'm aware that
• 49:15
  things burn and break or get lost
• 49:17
  or whatever. But, you know, there
• 49:19
  are, we are going to imbue meaning
• 49:22
  onto things and that is okay as
• 49:24
  long as we are aware that we're
• 49:26
  doing it so that, you know, if
• 49:29
  something happens, it doesn't ruin
• 49:31
  our world. But we're going to do
• 49:34
  it and that's okay. It's what makes
• 49:36
  our life rich. That's not the same
• 49:37
  as being materialistic. That's not
• 49:39
  going, oh, I want the best, newest,
• 49:41
  blah. This is, I have an emotional
• 49:43
  attachment to this object because
• 49:45
  the person isn't here anymore. And
• 49:48
  I would have an emotional attachment
• 49:49
  to them, but they're not here. So
• 49:50
  I have decided to make this object
• 49:53
  represent them. And if something
• 49:55
  happens to this object, hopefully
• 49:57
  I'll find something else that can
• 49:58
  represent them. But the point is,
• 50:01
  is that we live in an emotional
• 50:02
  world and it's okay to texture your
• 50:06
  world that way. Don't get too
• 50:07
  attached to certain, because then,
• 50:09
  you know, that could become unhealthy.
• 50:10
  But it is absolutely okay to be
• 50:15
  reminded, have mementos, have little
• 50:17
  reminders of people in your life.
• 50:20
  Surround yourself with love and
• 50:21
  beautiful things. Why not? Life's too
• 50:24
  short to live in a sterile environment.
• 50:27
  I agree. And thank you. I have the
• 50:31
  word that, I love that you talked
• 50:32
  about your dad and he's an artist
• 50:34
  and the beauty. And I, if I were
• 50:38
  to offer a couple other loving,
• 50:40
  supportive, if they can help to do
• 50:44
  your best, even if it's counterintuitive,
• 50:46
  surround yourself with some beauty,
• 50:49
  like whatever makes it, music,
• 50:51
  laughter, wonders, silly TV shows,
• 50:54
  silly movies, bubbles. Oh, I love
• 50:58
  that. Bubbles, going outside. Yes. I
• 51:03
  love, I love offering compliments.
• 51:07
  Like I just, someone has a lovely,
• 51:09
  you know, or their hair looks great.
• 51:12
  I love, I love saying to someone,
• 51:14
  oh my God, you look gorgeous. And
• 51:15
  I love the reactions. You're just
• 51:17
  like, wait, what? Like, oh, thank
• 51:18
  you. You know, because coming from,
• 51:21
  you know, just when it comes from
• 51:22
  your heart, it's beautiful. So anything
• 51:25
  that you can, and also, it's okay
• 51:28
  if there's a certain time where you
• 51:31
  lean into things that you are always
• 51:33
  doing. Like if there's a gaming, a
• 51:35
  game app or a language app on your
• 51:38
  phone that, you know, you just keep
• 51:41
  gravitating towards like, oh, why am
• 51:42
  I, it's okay. Like, because it's
• 51:44
  amazing. If you keep reading the same
• 51:45
  book or watching the same TV show,
• 51:48
  or it's all fine. Exactly. It's all
• 51:51
  good. It's just whatever is helping
• 51:53
  you process in the way that you
• 51:55
  process. And wherever you can find
• 52:00
  joy, or connection, or beauty, or
• 52:06
  wonder, or some sort of salve for
• 52:09
  your soul, don't be like, oh, it's
• 52:13
  dumb. Like, I don't want to like,
• 52:15
  I don't want people to know that
• 52:16
  I garden or take photos or collect
• 52:19
  rocks or whatever it is you do. Do
• 52:21
  the things that bring you joy and
• 52:23
  speak to your soul. Life is too
• 52:25
  short not to. Thank you for bringing
• 52:33
  up gardening. I know, right? I was
• 52:35
  like, whoops. I love the gardening.
• 52:38
  Because if I were to say some, that
• 52:42
  has been very healing this year, that
• 52:46
  my youngest brother and I, we were
• 52:47
  gardening this summer. And I was not
• 52:51
  the year before and the year before
• 52:53
  that, that wasn't, but there are, it's
• 52:55
  okay. Thank you, Danielle, for also
• 52:57
  helping me explore the, the moments
• 53:01
  where it is okay to, like, I haven't
• 53:05
  gardened in years. And just the fact
• 53:08
  that I did, it was great. And my
• 53:10
  youngest brother is amazing because
• 53:12
  I, I, on a Friday night, I just said
• 53:14
  out loud, you know, I just really would
• 53:15
  like an herb garden. And then the next
• 53:16
  day he's like, all right, we're doing
• 53:18
  it. And he's getting it all together
• 53:19
  for me. Like, you're awesome. And then
• 53:20
  he started gardening and it's been
• 53:22
  amazing. And it's, and there's the joy
• 53:26
  and you get to create new things. So
• 53:28
  lean into the stuff that you need to
• 53:30
  lean into that are, because it's
• 53:32
  amazing, the habits, like I was a habit
• 53:34
  of being on my phone, doing that every
• 53:36
  day. And that didn't change. And there
• 53:38
  is comfort in that. And it's okay, that
• 53:40
  those things that you do that are a
• 53:43
  habit, it's wonderful when it can help
• 53:46
  you get through moments. And then over
• 53:49
  time, you get to create little habits,
• 53:50
  which I also want to help people with,
• 53:52
  because I just love the building of
• 53:54
  that. Yeah. And I know I need to. And
• 53:57
  this is where it comes around to having
• 53:58
  a great day and having that autonomy is
• 54:02
  if you don't have like, I had a list of
• 54:04
  all the things that give me joy. If you
• 54:06
  don't have a list of those things, start
• 54:10
  experimenting, try stuff. You don't need
• 54:12
  to stick to it. Like if you're like, oh,
• 54:13
  I don't, I've never done gardening. I
• 54:14
  don't know if I'd like it or not. Do it
• 54:16
  for a day. If you like it, keep doing it.
• 54:18
  If you hate it, do something else. Just
• 54:20
  go out and do little experiments, try
• 54:23
  things, build that list, figure out what
• 54:26
  feeds your soul. Because that is going
• 54:30
  to, if that's going to help you the good
• 54:32
  times, it's going to help you the hard
• 54:33
  times. There are always going to be more
• 54:34
  hard times. Yes. And so if you have that
• 54:37
  little list in your back pocket, it is
• 54:41
  going to help you so much. And when life
• 54:44
  is good, it'll just help you to have a
• 54:45
  great day. See, I love that. And I thank
• 54:49
  you because this has been a great
• 54:50
  conversation. And if I may, I would like
• 54:53
  to offer a quote and I, I just had to, I
• 54:59
  do love that Marianne Williamson quote
• 55:01
  and I've decided I just need to say it
• 55:02
  out loud because you really, um, the
• 55:06
  people that we love that aren't here
• 55:09
  anymore on the planet, we can't, can't
• 55:12
  shrink. And that's why I love this quote.
• 55:14
  So here it is from Marianne Williamson.
• 55:17
  Otherwise you're dying with them. Exactly.
• 55:20
  Oh, could you say that again? You don't
• 55:25
  want their death to be your death to
• 55:29
  that. That is why I just don't climb in
• 55:33
  the coffin. No, please don't please.
• 55:36
  Because, because, um, we, we still want
• 55:39
  you here. And I love this quote that says
• 55:42
  we do. We do. We want it because our
• 55:45
  deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
• 55:48
  Our deepest fear is that we are powerful
• 55:50
  beyond measure. It is our light, not our
• 55:54
  darkness that most frightens us. We ask
• 55:56
  ourselves, who am I to be brilliant,
• 55:59
  gorgeous, talented, fabulous. Actually,
• 56:03
  who are you not to be? You are a child
• 56:06
  of God. You're playing small does not
• 56:08
  serve the world. There is nothing
• 56:10
  enlightened about shrinking so that other
• 56:12
  people won't feel insecure around you.
• 56:16
  We are meant to shine as children do,
• 56:18
  right? We are born to make manifest the
• 56:21
  glory of God that is within us. It's not
• 56:24
  just in some of us. It's in everyone.
• 56:26
  And as we let our own light shine, we
• 56:29
  unconsciously give other people permission
• 56:31
  to do the same. As we are liberated from
• 56:35
  our own fear, our presence automatically
• 56:37
  liberates others. And so if you don't feel
• 56:43
  like you can embrace your potential and
• 56:45
  your power and your light for yourself,
• 56:49
  do it for everyone else. Yeah. Be that
• 56:53
  permission. If you don't feel like you
• 56:56
  deserve it, embrace your worth to give
• 56:59
  permission to everyone else to embrace
• 57:02
  theirs. That is a good stepping stone.
• 57:07
  It's an amazing stepping stone. And thank
• 57:10
  you. Thank you, girl, for being my rock.
• 57:13
  I love you. It's just been a wonderful.
• 57:16
  Thank you for this conversation and thank
• 57:19
  you for being you. And I love you with
• 57:21
  all of my heart. I love you so much too,
• 57:24
  Tif. And I guess we'll see you in the
• 57:26
  next episode. Yes, we'll see you then.