Latest / Morrow Marriage | Disrupting Divorce / Why Your Changes Aren't Saving Your Marriage? | The 'NEW' Marriage | Ep499

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Why Your Changes Aren't Saving Your Marriage? | The 'NEW' Marriage | Ep499 · Morrow Marriage | Disrupting Divorce

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_01: Why some fail and others save their marriage.
• 0:03
  SPEAKER_01: Lack of commitment in marriage.
• 0:05
  SPEAKER_01: Can you outgrow a soulmate?
• 0:07
  SPEAKER_01: Rebound relationships, healing, or escaping.
• 0:10
  SPEAKER_01: The value in solitude and growth, our big fuck up.
• 0:14
  SPEAKER_01: When kids replace your spouse.
• 0:16
  SPEAKER_01: Why some fail and others save their marriage?
• 0:19
  SPEAKER_01: Welcome to the Borrow Marriage Podcast, guys, and I can go on and on about this.
• 0:23
  SPEAKER_01: If you don't know, I am currently recording my audiobook finally, and hallelujah.
• 0:30
  SPEAKER_01: It's got scriptures in it too.
• 0:32
  SPEAKER_01: I'll give you two versions, one with scriptures and one without.
• 0:42
  SPEAKER_01: But where I ended up today with recording the audiobook was early in the book, and what it said was why men fail.
• 0:49
  SPEAKER_01: And listen, I just want to make this a why people fail issue first, okay?
• 0:54
  SPEAKER_01: I think that we don't talk about this enough, and I think that it's really important.
• 0:58
  SPEAKER_01: So the first reason that you fail is because you start to do something, and it doesn't give you the result or the outcome that you want, and so you quit.
• 1:08
  SPEAKER_01: I'm thinking about this man today, uh, his name's Josh.
• 1:12
  SPEAKER_01: He joined my program.
• 1:13
  SPEAKER_01: Listen, this guy spent$6,500 in a program where, believe it or not, this in this program he actually gets the coach, so he gets the cast, but it's that program, okay?
• 1:25
  SPEAKER_01: But it's over email and it's three days minimum for a response.
• 1:28
  SPEAKER_00: So to clear that up, because that was confusing.
• 1:30
  SPEAKER_00: It was this, yes, I I think so.
• 1:33
  SPEAKER_00: He paid$6,500 for another coach in another program, not ours, and he doesn't get to talk to that coach at all.
• 1:40
  SPEAKER_00: Now he's in our program.
• 1:41
  SPEAKER_00: Is he in our program?
• 1:42
  SPEAKER_01: He is, but well, he does get to talk to that coach.
• 1:44
  SPEAKER_01: It's just that it's three days over email.
• 1:46
  SPEAKER_01: By the way, when he reached out to us, she served in divorce papers.
• 1:49
  SPEAKER_01: He's waiting three days for what to do with that by email.
• 1:54
  SPEAKER_00: In the other program.
• 1:55
  SPEAKER_01: And if you understand anything about how marriage actually works, you need to have conversations, which means whatever he's teaching you over email won't teach you fuck all.
• 2:03
  SPEAKER_01: Because where's the tone?
• 2:04
  SPEAKER_01: Some of you guys gotta stop stop texting.
• 2:06
  SPEAKER_01: Miles of text messages, no tone, no interaction.
• 2:10
  SPEAKER_01: There's no interaction with that because you're literally just reading something.
• 2:13
  SPEAKER_01: Like, you guys, if you haven't figured this out, like go watch some more podcasts and grow up.
• 2:17
  SPEAKER_01: Like, so why does he not fail?
• 2:20
  SPEAKER_01: So, what happened is they're dating now.
• 2:22
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, so this is a couple weeks ago.
• 2:24
  SPEAKER_01: They're dating now.
• 2:25
  SPEAKER_01: He's not living at home, but they're dating now and they're enjoying each other.
• 2:29
  SPEAKER_01: There's family stuff, there's her at him, they're texting, they're talking.
• 2:32
  SPEAKER_01: Is it perfect?
• 2:33
  SPEAKER_01: No, gosh, it's only been two weeks.
• 2:35
  SPEAKER_01: But why he's not failing is because he's interacting in a way where he can actually implement.
• 2:41
  SPEAKER_01: So the first reason why you guys fail is you don't ask the right questions when you get help.
• 2:45
  SPEAKER_01: You just don't.
• 2:46
  SPEAKER_01: Because if you don't know how to implement because of the way you're being taught, meaning, what's the delivery?
• 2:53
  SPEAKER_01: That's your question.
• 2:54
  SPEAKER_01: Write that down.
• 2:54
  SPEAKER_01: Stop, pause on the podcast, write that down.
• 2:57
  SPEAKER_01: If you're hiring someone for help, what's the delivery?
• 3:00
  SPEAKER_01: By the way, I'm gonna go to another example for you right now.
• 3:02
  SPEAKER_01: You go to therapy and you don't write anything down.
• 3:04
  SPEAKER_01: I know, because I did it for 14 years and nobody does it.
• 3:07
  SPEAKER_01: Because I talked to everybody else who does it.
• 3:08
  SPEAKER_01: So, wait, what's the delivery?
• 3:10
  SPEAKER_01: They're speaking it to you.
• 3:11
  SPEAKER_01: You need to take something tangible and then implement it.
• 3:15
  SPEAKER_01: Not read this book.
• 3:17
  SPEAKER_01: Some of you guys can't even remember the book when you and you know who you are.
• 3:20
  SPEAKER_01: You can't even remember the name of the book when you leave the counselor session.
• 3:23
  SPEAKER_01: Good God.
• 3:24
  SPEAKER_01: Guys, we have to get real.
• 3:26
  SPEAKER_01: Why else do you fail?
• 3:28
  SPEAKER_01: Because when you implement and you don't get that outcome that we talked about earlier, you've changed for them, not for you.
• 3:35
  SPEAKER_01: Uh, there's a really good example of this that I'm teaching right now a lot on, and uh I'll say that.
• 3:41
  SPEAKER_01: I'm gonna say that.
• 3:42
  SPEAKER_01: This is a good bonus for you guys coming up, but um I used to change with the anger because I had to.
• 3:49
  SPEAKER_01: Right?
• 3:49
  SPEAKER_01: Like I had to stop being so angry.
• 3:52
  SPEAKER_01: Now, it was because it was court mandated.
• 3:54
  SPEAKER_01: It was because um Catherine said, if you change the anger, if you weren't angry, I'd be happy.
• 4:00
  SPEAKER_01: If you weren't angry, I would love you.
• 4:01
  SPEAKER_01: If you weren't angry, I would want you.
• 4:02
  SPEAKER_01: That means sex.
• 4:03
  SPEAKER_01: Okay?
• 4:04
  SPEAKER_01: But the reason why I kept on I I mean the anger was better, it was longer between and it wasn't as explosive.
• 4:11
  SPEAKER_01: I didn't trash the house, but it still wasn't, what do we call it, safe.
• 4:16
  SPEAKER_01: Okay?
• 4:17
  SPEAKER_01: Why?
• 4:18
  SPEAKER_01: Because I was changing out of fear for the court mandated anger management, which was her exact fear, and two, uh, court mandated to go to jail, I mean, sorry.
• 4:26
  SPEAKER_01: And two, because I was changing so my wife would want me.
• 4:30
  SPEAKER_01: You're gonna fail if you don't want to be off your own damn roller coaster.
• 4:33
  SPEAKER_01: Catherine calls it the crazy train.
• 4:36
  SPEAKER_01: Like, if you don't want to be off the train, you're just afraid of losing your spouse.
• 4:41
  SPEAKER_01: Like, good luck changing for real.
• 4:44
  SPEAKER_01: When I finally started to realize I liked joy, in other words, how do I create more opportunities for something that feels good instead of bad?
• 4:50
  SPEAKER_01: Where I stopped sabotaging myself and creating more negativity and started doing more, it became easier and easier and easier to where we are now, where I don't get very angry very often.
• 4:59
  SPEAKER_01: Okay?
• 5:00
  SPEAKER_01: So true story.
• 5:02
  SPEAKER_00: So if you don't he's kind of angry all the time, though.
• 5:05
  SPEAKER_00: Like you this guy is like, this is you're just he's um wild and he's passionate, which can be mistaken for angry if you don't know him.
• 5:16
  SPEAKER_00: That's why I said he's kind of angry all the time.
• 5:17
  SPEAKER_00: Like he gets so passionate, it's like he's angry at you, he doesn't even know you.
• 5:21
  SPEAKER_00: He's talking to a camera and he's angry at the people behind the screen, right?
• 5:25
  SPEAKER_00: He's angry at society, he's angry, but it's like a passionate anger.
• 5:28
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, it's not real anger, it's like it's not the kind of anger that he used to have.
• 5:31
  SPEAKER_01: When you actually start to to move away from anger, your first thought process, because you know you're not the same elevation of anger, like you're not trashing the house anymore, let's say you're not calling the names, let's say.
• 5:41
  SPEAKER_01: So you actually feel like you're not angry, you're just passionate.
• 5:43
  SPEAKER_01: That's something that many men relate to because that's something I said, and they all agreed, and like, and like that's where I'm at now.
• 5:50
  SPEAKER_01: Like, I actually like I'll deliver a message and it will sound very angry, and I'm very fucking happy, and I'll get on with my life right after the episode.
• 5:57
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, so but it's because I want more for you, and it's because I just am.
• 6:00
  SPEAKER_01: That's a good word.
• 6:01
  SPEAKER_01: It's passionate.
• 6:02
  SPEAKER_01: Back then I wasn't passionate, I was still angry.
• 6:04
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, angry, but not in a actually angry.
• 6:06
  SPEAKER_01: I'm trying to speak again so that's but not in like an I don't know how to do it.
• 6:09
  SPEAKER_01: But not in a bad way.
• 6:10
  SPEAKER_00: It's like this is this is the way that he this is the way that he is.
• 6:13
  SPEAKER_01: It's just who I am.
• 6:14
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, I put everything into everything I do, and that's what you're experiencing, okay?
• 6:18
  SPEAKER_01: Now, another reason why people fail is simple.
• 6:21
  SPEAKER_01: When you start to implement, it doesn't go your way, you've decided to change for yourself, you almost always um start to feel things are moving in the right direction.
• 6:32
  SPEAKER_01: When it does, it doesn't always go in the right direction.
• 6:35
  SPEAKER_01: Here's the problem you start to go back to uh inherently like a covert contract, the outcome was still there, you didn't realize it.
• 6:42
  SPEAKER_01: And what will I got this from Catherine actually, what will happen is you will feel like the weight of the world is coming down on you when uh you fuck up, when there's a mistake, when there's a problem between you and partner.
• 6:54
  SPEAKER_01: And so inherently you do go back to your old behaviors.
• 6:57
  SPEAKER_01: Now, here's where you can fix that.
• 6:59
  SPEAKER_01: The moment that you start to realize that the truth is it's not as bad as it was, it doesn't matter about your partner, it matters about how you continue to show up.
• 7:08
  SPEAKER_01: So just keep going.
• 7:09
  SPEAKER_01: Just keep going.
• 7:10
  SPEAKER_01: The amount of people that do repairs on our coaching calls because they come to us after they make a mistake, is pretty much like 50 or 60% of the calls.
• 7:17
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, well, you did that wrong.
• 7:18
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, well, no, actually, that was bad.
• 7:20
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, that was defense.
• 7:21
  SPEAKER_01: Like, and then we go, now this is how you repair it.
• 7:24
  SPEAKER_01: Part of the reason why you guys fail is because you don't look at repair, you look at conversations, i.e., communication is key over the fucking problem, instead of how to actually repair it.
• 7:34
  SPEAKER_00: I took that as I've been taking, I've been recently taking that one step further.
• 7:38
  SPEAKER_00: Tell me what.
• 7:38
  SPEAKER_00: So rupture, repair, reset.
• 7:42
  SPEAKER_00: So there's always gonna be rupture.
• 7:44
  SPEAKER_00: So Cass said he doesn't get very angry very often anymore.
• 7:48
  SPEAKER_00: We get in a fight probably once to twice a year.
• 7:51
  SPEAKER_00: And it's both of our faults.
• 7:52
  SPEAKER_00: We're fiery people, and you know, it we one of us is gonna get up on our feelings and it and we get in a fight.
• 7:58
  SPEAKER_00: Um, so that's a rupture.
• 8:00
  SPEAKER_00: A repair, and we talk about how our turnaround time we we don't have fights that go all night anymore.
• 8:06
  SPEAKER_00: We are fine same day.
• 8:07
  SPEAKER_00: Our turnaround is like within minutes usually minutes of us getting into some sort of altercation.
• 8:12
  SPEAKER_00: Um, so that so that's the repair, and then the reset is making sure that you don't live in that place.
• 8:18
  SPEAKER_00: Right?
• 8:18
  SPEAKER_00: So when you reset, you go back to baseline where you're not holding on to bitterness and resentment and you're not stewing about the things that your husband said, even though you repaired it.
• 8:29
  SPEAKER_00: So, some of you, what you do is you repair it, but your heart's not in the right place.
• 8:33
  SPEAKER_00: So you're like, Yes, I forgive you, let's move forward.
• 8:36
  SPEAKER_00: But then inside you're like, I can't believe he said that to me.
• 8:38
  SPEAKER_00: Or you're like, I can't believe I acted that way.
• 8:41
  SPEAKER_00: That's not resetting.
• 8:42
  SPEAKER_00: So after the repair, you have to reset.
• 8:45
  SPEAKER_00: You have to forgive your husband, and you have to forgive yourself because otherwise you're staying in the place where you were fighting, then it's not repaired.
• 8:51
  SPEAKER_00: You're just it's a fake, it's a facade, not a repair.
• 8:55
  SPEAKER_01: You know what I love?
• 8:56
  SPEAKER_00: You have to reset.
• 8:56
  SPEAKER_00: Rupture, repair, reset.
• 8:58
  SPEAKER_01: I love that.
• 8:58
  SPEAKER_01: That's really beautiful.
• 8:59
  SPEAKER_01: And you know why it's really important, just coincidentally, the next episode we're gonna talk about is when to use boundaries.
• 9:04
  SPEAKER_01: And some of the things that's happening with the men and women, specifically the women in Catherine's program, is they're in that moment, they're thinking, like, I don't, I don't want to deal with this anymore.
• 9:14
  SPEAKER_01: I I can't, and but they're very angry or very lost.
• 9:19
  SPEAKER_01: In other words, wanting to make an emotional decision with their sadness, with their anger, their anxiety, their whatever.
• 9:24
  SPEAKER_01: They're like, and the thing is, that's the exact opposite of the reset that Catherine's talking about.
• 9:30
  SPEAKER_01: So whether it's the moment or it's the decision that changes your whole life, you need to realize this reset proves you're either there or you're not.
• 9:38
  SPEAKER_01: Again, we're not perfect, but like, I mean, you were very frustrated last night, actually.
• 9:43
  SPEAKER_00: I thought you were gonna say, I mean, you are.
• 9:46
  SPEAKER_00: We're not perfect, I mean you are.
• 9:47
  SPEAKER_01: Well, you are, but that's what I thought he was gonna say.
• 9:49
  SPEAKER_01: Last night she was not, but normally she is, but she she was very frustrated.
• 9:52
  SPEAKER_01: She was short with the kids, she was short with me, and I asked a quick question, and then all of a sudden we had a good conversation.
• 9:56
  SPEAKER_01: I think it was three minutes long.
• 9:58
  SPEAKER_01: And today you had a wonderful day.
• 10:00
  SPEAKER_01: Wonderful day.
• 10:01
  SPEAKER_01: Like gorgeous, you saw people, you did whatever the fuck you needed to do, and like life is good, right?
• 10:06
  SPEAKER_01: That's because Catherine knows how to reset.
• 10:09
  SPEAKER_00: Yes.
• 10:10
  SPEAKER_00: And the problem is And because when I'm frustrated, Cass is not getting on that frustration with me.
• 10:15
  SPEAKER_00: We have a conversation that's part of the repair.
• 10:19
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, that I this is just such a cool episode today because the amount of people that the real problem isn't the the issues in your marriage that you think.
• 10:28
  SPEAKER_01: The real problem is you don't know how to repair because you first need to identify the issue, the real issue, not the symptom.
• 10:35
  SPEAKER_01: And then you need to be able to repair because you know that you can now.
• 10:38
  SPEAKER_01: If you know the real issue, you can now actually repair.
• 10:40
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, and sometimes that means repair between the two of you because you had an altercation, or sometimes it means repair the problem.
• 10:45
  SPEAKER_00: In the situation that we're talking about, yeah, sure, I was frustrated and short, but we didn't have an altercation.
• 10:50
  SPEAKER_00: So we didn't have to repair our, we didn't have an upset between the two of us.
• 10:54
  SPEAKER_01: Good point.
• 10:54
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 10:55
  SPEAKER_00: And so the repair was what is the problem?
• 10:57
  SPEAKER_00: Let's solve it and reset.
• 11:00
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 11:00
  SPEAKER_00: So sometimes you have to that and what could have happened was if I'm frustrated and I'm short, it had nothing to do with my husband.
• 11:07
  SPEAKER_00: It had things to do with my life.
• 11:09
  SPEAKER_00: And so if he would have taken that personally and then he started to get upset, and then that's what can cause an altercation that then requires a repair emotionally between the two of you.
• 11:17
  SPEAKER_00: And that reset and repair is harder than a repair that has nothing to do with your actual marriage, your relationships.
• 11:24
  SPEAKER_01: But what happens is because you don't know how to do this reset individually, you then repair can't do or the repair.
• 11:30
  SPEAKER_01: You literally can't do one for your marriage.
• 11:32
  SPEAKER_01: And because one of you or both of you usually take it personal, it goes out of control, and so you fail.
• 11:37
  SPEAKER_00: And you stay in a state of rupture.
• 11:39
  SPEAKER_01: Correct, correct.
• 11:40
  SPEAKER_01: I want to end it here because I want you to take this and what you've learned, and let's go talk about boundaries next because you guys are using boundaries far too fast.
• 11:48
  SPEAKER_01: Excuse me, far too fast.
• 11:50
  SPEAKER_01: Okay?
• 11:50
  SPEAKER_01: We'll see you next time.
• 11:51
  SPEAKER_01: Bye.