Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #718 5 Things the Parenting Expert Learnt Flying Solo

Transcript

#718 5 Things the Parenting Expert Learnt Flying Solo · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

• 0:03
  Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families podcast. It's the podcast for the
• 0:07
  Speaker 1: time poor parent who just wants answers.
• 0:10
  Speaker 2: Now, our school is like, what, eighteen minutes from home,
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  Speaker 2: But we also have a child who has an activity
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  Speaker 2: every single morning before school that is so early that
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  Speaker 2: we have to do two trips to school in the morning.
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  Speaker 2: That's eighteen minutes just in the morning driving to and
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  Speaker 2: from our house in school.
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  Speaker 3: Holy cow, so much driving.
• 0:28
  Speaker 1: And now here's the stars of our show, my mum
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  Speaker 1: and dad.
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  Speaker 3: It's the Happy Family's podcast.
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  Speaker 2: Hello, this is doctor Justin Colson, the founder of Happy
• 0:35
  Speaker 2: Families dot com dot au and dad to six kids.
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  Speaker 3: Ask me how I'm doing?
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  Speaker 4: How are you doing?
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  Speaker 2: I'll tell you about that shortly. But it's been a
• 0:42
  Speaker 2: big week without you. Always so glad to have your back.
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  Speaker 2: I'll tell you why soon. You've been away for most
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  Speaker 2: of this week on a health retreat. You've been having
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  Speaker 2: a meals cooked for you. You've been staying in a
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  Speaker 2: place where mobile phones don't work, soaking up the greenery,
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  Speaker 2: the nature, all that sort of stuff. Look at you,
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  Speaker 2: you're grinning, you're beaming like ah, and it's been so good.
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  Speaker 4: It really has.
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  Speaker 5: And I recognize I do recognize what a privilege it
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  Speaker 5: is to get away, especially at that level and have
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  Speaker 5: that level of care. One of the things I love
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  Speaker 5: about the health retreats is just access to therapies that
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  Speaker 5: are not readily available.
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  Speaker 3: Yeah, it's hard.
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  Speaker 2: It's really hard to find great therapists who are intuitive
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  Speaker 2: and do the stuff that you need.
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  Speaker 5: Yeah, and so I was able to tap into some
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  Speaker 5: it's called abdominal healing.
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  Speaker 2: I feel like I could do with some abdominal healing,
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  Speaker 2: maybe more than just me, maybe maybe several of us could,
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  Speaker 2: I think so. So what's abdominal healing.
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  Speaker 5: It follows Chinese medicine and the acknowledgment that our body
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  Speaker 5: is a massive storage container for all of the emotions yep,
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  Speaker 5: that we've experienced through different experiences in our lives, and
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  Speaker 5: so abdominal healing is all about, kind of I guess,
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  Speaker 5: unblocking a lot of those emotions and letting them go.
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  Speaker 5: So I've never experienced it before, But the thing that
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  Speaker 5: stood out to her the most from everything else that
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  Speaker 5: I was experiencing was just how my body was in
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  Speaker 5: complete exhaustion mode. I was just so depleted and I
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  Speaker 5: feel it. But there's nothing better than having somebody in
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  Speaker 5: their professional space, validating what my body is feeling, and
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  Speaker 5: so that was really powerful for me. But one of
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  Speaker 5: the experiences that I had there was just so profound.
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  Speaker 5: We were doing a meditation one night and the facilitator
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  Speaker 5: asked us to pair up with somebody that we hadn't
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  Speaker 5: met yet during our stay, and she ignoredledged that while
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  Speaker 5: we would think that it was just a coincidence, that
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  Speaker 5: through the week we would actually become clear as to
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  Speaker 5: why we were drawn to this person. And when we
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  Speaker 5: were joined together, her instructions were that we had to
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  Speaker 5: have a conversation and she posed three specific questions that
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  Speaker 5: we needed to answer, and the only rule was that
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  Speaker 5: we couldn't lose eye contact, right.
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  Speaker 4: Do you know how hard it.
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  Speaker 5: Is, especially to a stranger. Totally, but it was so
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  Speaker 5: important to the outcome. And so the first question was
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  Speaker 5: what brought us to the health retreat in the first place.
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  Speaker 5: And the person that I paired up with, she seemed
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  Speaker 5: really really shy, a little bit unsure, and I just said,
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  Speaker 5: I'll go.
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  Speaker 4: It's easy.
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  Speaker 5: So I acknowledged to her that I was a mother
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  Speaker 5: of six and that while I love being a mum,
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  Speaker 5: that I just felt like I had kind of got
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  Speaker 5: lost in all of it and was in a place
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  Speaker 5: where I needed some direction as to who I wanted
• 4:01
  Speaker 5: to be me standalone. And you know, she looked at
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  Speaker 5: me and then she shared and acknowledged that for her,
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  Speaker 5: she's had nine miscarriages and actually gone through seven rounds
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  Speaker 5: of IVM.
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  Speaker 3: My goodness, Oh wow.
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  Speaker 5: The old me would have sat there and just felt.
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  Speaker 3: So guilty, especially after what you've just said.
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  Speaker 4: Yeah, because of what I was saying.
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  Speaker 2: Here I am complaining about my six kids and how
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  Speaker 2: over them I am, and here's this person.
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  Speaker 5: So her biggest, the biggest weight that she was carrying
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  Speaker 5: was whether or not she would actually ever be able
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  Speaker 5: to be a mother. And it was so just was
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  Speaker 5: just juxtaposed here like so different, and yet instead of
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  Speaker 5: feeling guilty, there was just this beautiful acknowledgment that we
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  Speaker 5: could have two totally opposite feelings and emotions and that
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  Speaker 5: both are right in their own rights and both can
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  Speaker 5: f the other person's pain.
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  Speaker 3: Yeah, empathy, yeah, passion.
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  Speaker 5: It was just it was such a beautiful experience to
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  Speaker 5: just go your pains. It's it's there's no comparisons, there's
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  Speaker 5: no sense of you know, one's carrying a bigger burden
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  Speaker 5: than the other, because for you, that burden.
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  Speaker 4: Is weighty regardless of what it is.
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  Speaker 6: Yea.
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  Speaker 5: What it actually allowed me to do, though, which was
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  Speaker 5: so powerful, was recognize and feel her pain and then
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  Speaker 5: provide me with greater perspective and give thanks for the
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  Speaker 5: burden that I carry because I wouldn't change it for anything.
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  Speaker 4: And it was just it was. It was beautiful. It
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  Speaker 4: was really beautiful.
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  Speaker 5: And what I love about that is that I'm placed
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  Speaker 5: in this position where a whole bunch of strangers from
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  Speaker 5: all different walks of life have come together for a
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  Speaker 5: few days to find answers to a myriad of concerns
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  Speaker 5: and challenges that they're experiencing, and we find the answers
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  Speaker 5: and some of the most unexpected places.
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  Speaker 2: Well, the opportunity for you to go away is challenging.
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  Speaker 2: It's really challenging for the family, and.
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  Speaker 3: It comes at a considerable cost as well.
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  Speaker 2: But you have those sorts of experiences and they kind
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  Speaker 2: of they help you to reset, don't they They really?
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  Speaker 2: And I think that's why you've come back beaming.
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  Speaker 5: I'm ready. Well, you promised me that you've learned some
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  Speaker 5: things while I've been gone, so I'm interested I've learned.
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  Speaker 3: I've learned a lot of things. I've made a list.
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  Speaker 4: You learned how to use a dishwasher.
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  Speaker 2: The dishwasher is broken, and I'm so unhappy about it
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  Speaker 2: because it's a new dishwasher and it's one of the
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  Speaker 2: best brands that are out there.
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  Speaker 3: And washing machine?
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  Speaker 4: Could you learn how to use that?
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  Speaker 2: The children have been looking after the washing machine only
• 6:58
  Speaker 2: a couple of times, but the washing machine has gone.
• 7:00
  Speaker 2: I'm do you know what? I cleaned up dog vomit.
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  Speaker 2: I'm so sorry for everyone who's listened to the podcast
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  Speaker 2: who just had to deal with that. I cleaned up
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  Speaker 2: dog vomit off the carpet and off the tires, like
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  Speaker 2: I did it all I've been I've been hard at it.
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  Speaker 2: Here are my five lessons that I've learned. And then
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  Speaker 2: I want to share a quick story with you about
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  Speaker 2: what's happened while you've been gone. So number one, on
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  Speaker 2: one of the mornings that you were gone, I can't
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  Speaker 2: remember which morning I was.
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  Speaker 3: Now you're gone for like three or four mornings.
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  Speaker 2: Our eight year old, the one who can be super challenging,
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  Speaker 2: the one who has some additional needs. She just told
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  Speaker 2: me one morning that she wasn't going to go to school,
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  Speaker 2: and I could see myself getting into this power struggle
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  Speaker 2: with her, and I remembered force creat's resistance and high emotions,
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  Speaker 2: low intelligence and get curious not furious, and all the
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  Speaker 2: stuff that I teach everybody all the time. And I
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  Speaker 2: tried it and nothing worked. So I looked at her
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  Speaker 2: and I said, I love you, Emily. I'm going to
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  Speaker 2: go and mother lawn. Like this is seven am, because
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  Speaker 2: you're allowed to turn on the law more at seven
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  Speaker 2: oh ones, Like I'm going to go and mother lawn.
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  Speaker 2: And by the time I finished mowing the lawn, I'd
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  Speaker 2: love for you to be ready for school. And then
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  Speaker 2: I just walked away, and I thought, how in the
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  Speaker 2: world is an eight year old going to make this happen.
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  Speaker 2: I went outside, I mowed the lawn. I gave her
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  Speaker 2: a whole lot of space. I trusted, crossed my fingers,
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  Speaker 2: made sure that the TV remote was well hidden so
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  Speaker 2: she couldn't just plump down in front of the TV.
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  Speaker 3: And about five.
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  Speaker 2: Minutes before I finished mowing the lawn, I saw her,
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  Speaker 2: out of the corner of my eye, walk out to
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  Speaker 2: the driveway and climb into the car with her school
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  Speaker 2: uniform on, her school bag on her shoulder, her school
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  Speaker 2: shoes and socks on her hair, all done, she'd eaten breakfast,
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  Speaker 2: she had done the lot, her and her Did.
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  Speaker 4: She have her violin?
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  Speaker 2: It was not violin day, so we were she forgot
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  Speaker 2: her violin on violin day. Thank you for asking that
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  Speaker 2: less than number one give the kids space, like we're
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  Speaker 2: so intent on crowding them and telling me what to
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  Speaker 2: do in demanding that they do it right now. Once
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  Speaker 2: she'd calmed down, she just went and did it because
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  Speaker 2: she knew it had to be done and she knew
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  Speaker 2: that I expected it. So for me that was massive
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  Speaker 2: because I do push a little bit too hard.
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  Speaker 3: I know that I do it. I teach people not
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  Speaker 3: to do it, and I teach it because I need
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  Speaker 3: to learn it. And it was such a great thing.
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  Speaker 2: Second lesson, kids are capable from a young young age.
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  Speaker 2: So once you left, I sat down with the kids
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  Speaker 2: and I said, all right, who's got Sunday night dinner?
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  Speaker 2: And one of the kids said, I'll do it. I said, great,
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  Speaker 2: what's in the fridge? She went and had a look,
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  Speaker 2: and she said, I'm going to cook chicken BROCOLI perfect,
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  Speaker 2: who's got Monday night dinner. One of the other kids said,
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  Speaker 2: I'll do it. I said, what would you like to cook?
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  Speaker 2: She said, I'd like to do mince tortilla wrap things
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  Speaker 2: I like to do, raps.
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  Speaker 3: I said, fantastic.
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  Speaker 2: Who's got Tuesday night or whatever? I can't remember the
• 9:23
  Speaker 2: nights were, but someone cooked, right too. We someone cooked.
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  Speaker 2: We ate so well and the kids.
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  Speaker 5: So you were taking care of instead of taking.
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  Speaker 3: Care I had to look after a meal myself as well.
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  Speaker 3: I got in there and did it. But again the youngest,
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  Speaker 3: she wanted to be part of the team.
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  Speaker 2: She got in there and wanted to do the like
• 9:41
  Speaker 2: she's actually saying, I'd like to do the dishes tonight.
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  Speaker 2: I never help, but I think because mum's away, I'd
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  Speaker 2: like to do the dishes.
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  Speaker 3: I'd like to make a contribution.
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  Speaker 2: So my take home message from this week with you
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  Speaker 2: being away is the kids are so capable. Kids are
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  Speaker 2: so capable cooking, dinner, cleaning and so on. Number three,
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  Speaker 2: don't do too much so our afternoons I basically emptied
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  Speaker 2: them out. I said to the kids, no priorities, no
• 10:06
  Speaker 2: running around. We've only got to do this stuff that
• 10:08
  Speaker 2: absolutely must be done, like the extra curriculars that we've
• 10:10
  Speaker 2: paid for. Other than that, we're going to spend time
• 10:12
  Speaker 2: at home. We're going to read books, we're going to
• 10:14
  Speaker 2: kick a ball in the backyard, throw some hoops, ride
• 10:16
  Speaker 2: the skateboards, the roller skates, whatever, bikes, and we're going
• 10:19
  Speaker 2: to just really lay off. And it was incredible how
• 10:24
  Speaker 2: good it felt to take the pressure off. We do
• 10:26
  Speaker 2: so much, and I loved it. So then my top three.
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  Speaker 2: I've got two to go.
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  Speaker 5: I think I've been asking you to slow down for
• 10:33
  Speaker 5: about twenty three.
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  Speaker 3: Years, twenty five. Every twenty five we didn't have children,
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  Speaker 3: you were still asking me to slow down.
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  Speaker 2: Remember when we first got married and I get you,
• 10:41
  Speaker 2: dragged you down to the beach at five o'clock in
• 10:42
  Speaker 2: the morning to do hangs. For those of you who
• 10:45
  Speaker 2: don't know, harhongs are just.
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  Speaker 3: Okay.
• 10:48
  Speaker 2: Number four I said there were five lessons. Number four
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  Speaker 2: three words. So much driving, My goodness, welcome, so much driving.
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  Speaker 3: It is insane. How much time?
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  Speaker 4: How much did you get done while I was gone?
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  Speaker 3: Oh, it's ridiculous.
• 11:06
  Speaker 2: How hard it is to get stuff done because there
• 11:07
  Speaker 2: is so much driving with kids that have got to
• 11:10
  Speaker 2: be at this thing or that thing, and so our
• 11:13
  Speaker 2: school our kids' school, because there were some catchment issues
• 11:16
  Speaker 2: when we moved here and we didn't have a permanent address,
• 11:18
  Speaker 2: and so the local high school wouldn't take us, so
• 11:19
  Speaker 2: we had to put the kids in a school that
• 11:20
  Speaker 2: costs more money, which is another story for another day.
• 11:24
  Speaker 3: Our school is like what.
• 11:25
  Speaker 2: Eighteen minutes from home. But we also have a childho
• 11:28
  Speaker 2: has an activity every single morning before school that is
• 11:32
  Speaker 2: so early that we have to do two trips to
• 11:34
  Speaker 2: school in the morning. That's twenty and twenty and twenty
• 11:37
  Speaker 2: and twenty. That's eighteen minutes just in the morning driving
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  Speaker 2: to and from our house.
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  Speaker 3: In school, it's off the charts.
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  Speaker 2: And then in the afternoon, got to go and pick
• 11:45
  Speaker 2: them up, and then I've got to drive them to
• 11:47
  Speaker 2: this place or that place.
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  Speaker 3: They've got their activities, Holy cow.
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  Speaker 4: Do you remember those?
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  Speaker 5: So much driving is to ask me what I'd gotten
• 11:55
  Speaker 5: up to all days?
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  Speaker 3: So much driving. I cannot believe how we've got it.
• 12:00
  Speaker 2: We've got to get the kids on buses. We've got
• 12:02
  Speaker 2: to come up on a solution for this. It is insane.
• 12:04
  Speaker 4: What's learning Number five?
• 12:05
  Speaker 3: Honey number five.
• 12:07
  Speaker 2: We miss you so much. We just miss you so much.
• 12:12
  Speaker 2: We can live without you, But it's just our world
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  Speaker 2: is smaller when you're not with us. We cannot function
• 12:23
  Speaker 2: nearly as well without you. And I'm not talking about
• 12:26
  Speaker 2: getting the driving done, or the cooking done, or the
• 12:28
  Speaker 2: cleaning done and all the wonderful, incredible contributions you make
• 12:31
  Speaker 2: to the home. Those are important, but it's the love
• 12:35
  Speaker 2: that we feel in our home because you're there.
• 12:38
  Speaker 3: We have missed you so much.
• 12:42
  Speaker 4: Well, I'm really excited to be home.
• 12:43
  Speaker 3: I got to tell you a story.
• 12:45
  Speaker 2: Oh As we were driving home from school just yesterday
• 12:50
  Speaker 2: or the day before, with you being gone pretty much
• 12:53
  Speaker 2: for the whole time, I was talking to our eight
• 12:55
  Speaker 2: year old Emily, and I said, how do you reckon
• 12:58
  Speaker 2: this week's gone without marm And she said, I'm sum
• 13:00
  Speaker 2: so much. And I said it's been really hard, isn't it.
• 13:03
  Speaker 2: And I said, how do you reckon we've gone? And
• 13:05
  Speaker 2: she said this to me, She said, Dad, I wanted
• 13:07
  Speaker 2: to be a little rascal this week. Last time Mum
• 13:09
  Speaker 2: went away, she remembered eighteen months ago. She said, last
• 13:11
  Speaker 2: time Mum went away, we fought lots. I was a
• 13:14
  Speaker 2: real rascal because when Mummy goes away, I feel bad.
• 13:21
  Speaker 2: And I wanted you to feel bad like I felt.
• 13:24
  Speaker 3: How hard is that?
• 13:26
  Speaker 2: And so when I hear that, So there's this psychological
• 13:29
  Speaker 2: theory it's been around for a very long time that
• 13:32
  Speaker 2: kids will sometimes act in a way that is so
• 13:35
  Speaker 2: troublesome and so challenging to us. So that not because
• 13:39
  Speaker 2: they want to terrorize. It's not because they want to
• 13:41
  Speaker 2: ruin our lives, but because they want us to feel
• 13:43
  Speaker 2: what they feel and they don't know how to communicate it,
• 13:45
  Speaker 2: and so they act in a way.
• 13:46
  Speaker 4: They want us to understand how they're feeling.
• 13:49
  Speaker 2: Yeah, and when we respond with anger and frustration, all
• 13:52
  Speaker 2: we do is rupture the relationship and make them feel
• 13:55
  Speaker 2: worse about themselves and they're already feeling awful. And when
• 13:58
  Speaker 2: she said that that when mum, way, I feel bad
• 14:00
  Speaker 2: and sometimes I just want you to feel bad like
• 14:02
  Speaker 2: I do, so you know what it feels like.
• 14:04
  Speaker 3: And I thought, wow, you know this this.
• 14:06
  Speaker 2: Approach to parenting that we have, sometimes it feels like
• 14:09
  Speaker 2: it's not working at all, and then you have a
• 14:11
  Speaker 2: moment like that, and.
• 14:13
  Speaker 3: It's a really powerful way to raise kids. And I'm
• 14:17
  Speaker 3: so grateful.
• 14:18
  Speaker 2: It's been horrible having you gone, but I'm so grateful
• 14:21
  Speaker 2: that you've had the opportunity to go, and that we've
• 14:23
  Speaker 2: all had the learning and the direction I guess that
• 14:27
  Speaker 2: we've experienced as a result of your taking.
• 14:30
  Speaker 3: Some time off.
• 14:31
  Speaker 4: Well, I'm hoping it won't be eighteen months before I
• 14:33
  Speaker 4: get to do it again.
• 14:34
  Speaker 3: But I don't know how to reach pond to that one.
• 14:39
  Speaker 3: Don't go, don't go.
• 14:42
  Speaker 4: But I'm really really excited to.
• 14:46
  Speaker 5: Just get back into life with a bit more energy
• 14:48
  Speaker 5: and a bit more motivation and see where it takes us.
• 14:53
  Speaker 2: We really hope that this podcast has given you some
• 14:55
  Speaker 2: ideas about how lucky you might be, what opportunities you've
• 14:59
  Speaker 2: got to get away, get some focus and vision and
• 15:02
  Speaker 2: tap into what matters most. Thank you so much for listening.
• 15:06
  Speaker 2: We hope that it hasn't been a little bit too indulgent.
• 15:08
  Speaker 2: The Happy Families podcast is produced by Justin Ruland from
• 15:11
  Speaker 2: Bridge Media.
• 15:11
  Speaker 3: Craig Bruce is our executive producer.
• 15:14
  Speaker 2: And for more information about making your family happier, check
• 15:17
  Speaker 2: out our upcoming resilience summit, Raising Resilient Kids.
• 15:21
  Speaker 3: It's the summit.
• 15:22
  Speaker 2: You can find all about it at our Facebook page,
• 15:24
  Speaker 2: Dr Justin Colson's Happy Families or at Happy Families Dot
• 15:27
  Speaker 2: com delay.
• 15:28
  Speaker 6: You, you can blame its wrong, and I just dare
• 15:38
  Speaker 6: leave it.
• 15:38
  Speaker 5: Lous you