Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #660 From the Doctor's Desk: Yuletide Edition

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#660 From the Doctor's Desk: Yuletide Edition · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

• 0:03
  Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families podcast. It's the podcast for the
• 0:07
  Speaker 1: time poor parent who just once answers Now.
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  Speaker 2: The gift giver is usually looking for a big surprise
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  Speaker 2: delight in the eyes of the receiver in the moment,
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  Speaker 2: and that can often be the wrong way to go
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  Speaker 2: about it, because a lot of research shows that giving
• 0:22
  Speaker 2: an experience is better than giving a gift.
• 0:24
  Speaker 1: And now here's the stars of our show, my mom
• 0:27
  Speaker 1: and Dad.
• 0:28
  Speaker 2: Can I sound grinchy for just a second, please? You're
• 0:31
  Speaker 2: a mean one, mister Grinch.
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  Speaker 3: You are a green I am not a coup Believe
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  Speaker 3: you said, you said.
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  Speaker 2: That you really meant it. That sounded like you didn't
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  Speaker 2: mean it at all. When I'm walking in the shops
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  Speaker 2: and I hear songs like.
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  Speaker 3: Let's Know, Let's Know that it's no.
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  Speaker 2: Or I hear songs like Dreamer Other Christmas, I hear
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  Speaker 2: these songs and I think, for goodness sakes, I'm in Australia, Well,
• 1:00
  Speaker 2: what would you prefer to hear dashing through the portion
• 1:06
  Speaker 2: Christmas time?
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  Speaker 3: It's got such a sophisticated ring about it, doesn't it?
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  Speaker 2: Australia? For you love it? On your Today for our
• 1:20
  Speaker 2: Doctor's Desk episode, it was my favorite episode. I love
• 1:22
  Speaker 2: Doctor's Desk. I know that you don't love Doctor's Desk
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  Speaker 2: nearly as much as I do, but I love the
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  Speaker 2: Doctor's Desk.
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  Speaker 3: Well, you've promised me that today is going to have
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  Speaker 3: a Christmas flavor to it, so I'm I'm very interested
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  Speaker 3: to know how you're going to turn this Christmas.
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  Speaker 2: Going to do my very best to do this well,
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  Speaker 2: and we should just highlight there are children in the
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  Speaker 2: background because of school holidays, and we've done our best
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  Speaker 2: to but you know what it just it is what
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  Speaker 2: it is. So two studies. One of them is kind
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  Speaker 2: of an old one, Kyle is from the mid nineteen
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  Speaker 2: nineties in the Association for Consumer Research Journal, and it's
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  Speaker 2: looking at step families, divorce, remarriage, the reasons for gift
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  Speaker 2: giving or for not gift giving. Fascinating kind of old
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  Speaker 2: research now I'm like twenty years old, but it will
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  Speaker 2: spark a fun conversation, I think. And the second one
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  Speaker 2: we're going to look for look at research that just
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  Speaker 2: highlights what makes for a merry old Christmas.
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  Speaker 3: Well, I'm really interested to know where this is going
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  Speaker 3: because they say that opposite subtract and when it comes
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  Speaker 3: to gift giving, you and I would be about as
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  Speaker 3: opposite as North Pole South Pole possibly get.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
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  Speaker 3: So my question to you is why don't you like
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  Speaker 3: giving gifts?
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  Speaker 2: And just just to highlight that North Pole south Pole reality,
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  Speaker 2: you do live where Sander lives at the North Pole,
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  Speaker 2: and I am an antarcticro on my own on giveth
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  Speaker 2: when it comes to gift giving, what are I like gifts?
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  Speaker 2: I don't feel like there's a whole lot of financial
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  Speaker 2: utility in them. In other words, the gift usually means
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  Speaker 2: more to the giver than to the receiver. From a
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  Speaker 2: financial point of view, I have to let's say I
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  Speaker 2: spend one hundred dollars. In fact, there's been studies on this.
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  Speaker 2: I spend one hundred dollars and give you a gift
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  Speaker 2: it's probably worth forty to sixty dollars to you.
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  Speaker 3: So again, this is where you're on ideffer because I'm
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  Speaker 3: such a good shopper. Yes, I will spend forty dollars
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  Speaker 3: and give you a gift that's worth a hundred, So
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  Speaker 3: that doesn't come into the equation for me at all.
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  Speaker 3: Fair enough question, But it's not about the money, and
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  Speaker 3: that's the whole thing. Like if you are calculating and
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  Speaker 3: categorizing everything based on its monetary value, then a gift
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  Speaker 3: is never going to give you the joy that it
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  Speaker 3: could give you.
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  Speaker 2: You're making me sound like an economist and you're sounding
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  Speaker 2: like the psychologist one. Okay, so there's something else that
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  Speaker 2: you do really well when it comes to gifts. You
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  Speaker 2: actually think about people while you're shopping.
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  Speaker 3: I don't leave it and give myself an hour to
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  Speaker 3: find the perfect gift.
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  Speaker 2: Which is exactly what I do. I walk down. I
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  Speaker 2: don't walk. I drive down to the local Westfield or
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  Speaker 2: whatever it is Sunshine Plaza, and I walk up and
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  Speaker 2: down those long shopping theoryful experience.
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  Speaker 3: I hate shopping, I hate it, hate it. But I
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  Speaker 3: find these little, these little boutiques in different suburbs that
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  Speaker 3: we go and visit, and I could spend an hour
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  Speaker 3: in there. I might not buy anything, but I might
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  Speaker 3: buy something sends me spare and my sister's birthday perfect example,
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  Speaker 3: my sister's birthdays in January. Yes, I found the perfect
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  Speaker 3: gift for her about three months ago. It's been killing
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  Speaker 3: me because it's burning a hole in my gift cupboard
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  Speaker 3: because I am desperate to give it to her. And
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  Speaker 3: I know that she will absolutely.
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  Speaker 2: Love it and it only cost you about fifteen bucks.
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  Speaker 3: But I'm going to wait. Yep, But the reality is,
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  Speaker 3: in order for you to find the perfect gift, it
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  Speaker 3: takes time. Sometimes it takes lots of time, and it's
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  Speaker 3: not about the money, and it's all about the person. Okay,
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  Speaker 3: So what does your study actually say.
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  Speaker 2: Well, it doesn't say anything about what you've just talked about. Really,
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  Speaker 2: but I'm going to say this just before.
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  Speaker 3: I reckon that my conversation is more helpful anyway.
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  Speaker 2: It probably is. Just just to put this into perspective though.
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  Speaker 2: When we got together for the Coulson Family Extended Christmas
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  Speaker 2: down on the Gold Coast a couple of weeks ago,
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  Speaker 2: I loved a day and a half of it, But
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  Speaker 2: at the end of the second day we sat down
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  Speaker 2: for our gift exchange, I kind of felt like the
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  Speaker 2: weekend ended on a dead note because of the gift exchange.
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  Speaker 2: Like it was so much fun spending time. But I
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  Speaker 2: feel like my currency is time with people and building
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  Speaker 2: relationships and having nice food together and enjoying experiences. I
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  Speaker 2: don't feel like the gift giving is worth I just
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  Speaker 2: don't enjoy it. I don't enjoy it. I don't like
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  Speaker 2: receiving gifts. I don't like giving gifts. Actually I like
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  Speaker 2: giving gifts when I get it right, but it's really hard.
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  Speaker 2: And you know what, Research shows that when you give
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  Speaker 2: a gift, the gift giver is usually looking for a
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  Speaker 2: big surprise delight in the eyes of the receiver in
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  Speaker 2: the moment, and that can often be the wrong way
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  Speaker 2: to go about it, because a lot of research shows
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  Speaker 2: that giving an experience is better than giving a gift.
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  Speaker 3: We'll see again. That's where for me, the actual joy
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  Speaker 3: is in the buying of the gift. That's where I
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  Speaker 3: get the most joy. I don't have any expectation of
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  Speaker 3: the person at the other end, nor do I expect
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  Speaker 3: anything in return. Nor do I actually really enjoy receiving gifts.
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  Speaker 3: I actually don't. I actually prefer to be on the
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  Speaker 3: giving end.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah, yes, And I've really moved away from receiving gifts
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  Speaker 2: at all. I prefer not to. I just don't love
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  Speaker 2: receiving gifts at all. And I don't know if this
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  Speaker 2: podcast has enough time for me to go through the
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  Speaker 2: therapy that's necessary to unpack everything that's in there. So
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  Speaker 2: tell me, doctor Justin Okay, the associate of Association for
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  Speaker 2: Consumer Research, looking at people who have been through divorce remarriage,
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  Speaker 2: why are they giving gifts or why they're not given gifts?
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  Speaker 2: They best came up with three different motivations. There were
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  Speaker 2: positive motivations, there were neutral motivations, and there were negative motivations.
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  Speaker 3: So just to clarify, we're actually talking about families that
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  Speaker 3: have been remodeled in whatever way sites. We're not talking
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  Speaker 3: about you and I or catching up with the in
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  Speaker 3: laws or anything like this. This is these people have
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  Speaker 3: gone through change.
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  Speaker 2: But I would imagine that to a large degree, these
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  Speaker 2: same motivations would apply in any family contexts. But it's
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  Speaker 2: just that this study looks at the divorce, separation, remarriage,
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  Speaker 2: step parenting, partnering repartnering sort of situation. So the positive
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  Speaker 2: reasons positive motivations were compensatory. That was number one. Compensatory
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  Speaker 2: basically meaning, I know I've made a mess of your life,
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  Speaker 2: but here let me give you something really nice and bigger,
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  Speaker 2: materially meaningful as a way of trying to make up
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  Speaker 2: for the mess that it's been. Now we're going to
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  Speaker 2: leave aside the question of whether that really is a
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  Speaker 2: positive reason or not, because in the minds of the giver,
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  Speaker 2: that's a positive reason for the gift giving. Okay, that's
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  Speaker 2: all that matters in this particular study. And a lot
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  Speaker 2: of people use gifts material gifts as a compensatory mechanism
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  Speaker 2: for acknowledging that the relationships is a mess and they're
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  Speaker 2: trying they want to make it better.
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  Speaker 3: With that in mind, then there would always almost be
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  Speaker 3: a suggestion that there's a desire to heal.
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  Speaker 2: Yes, exactly, that's right, and healing is part of that process.
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  Speaker 2: We're trying to make it better. The other positive motivation
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  Speaker 2: was I'm trying to assimilate. So you're somebody who is
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  Speaker 2: now in my orbit that never used to be. Therefore,
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  Speaker 2: I'm going to give you gifts to demonstrate that I
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  Speaker 2: see you as a valid and a worthy person and
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  Speaker 2: somebody that I will need. You're drawing them into your
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  Speaker 2: surf precisely. And but we're looking at gift giving, and
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  Speaker 2: I have questions about the validity of using material gift
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  Speaker 2: giving as an effective way of doing this.
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  Speaker 3: I think that it's a starter.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, exactly.
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  Speaker 3: It's an appetizer to what the relationship can become as
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  Speaker 3: a result. Gift giving just kind of opens up avenues
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  Speaker 3: that would otherwise not be there.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, and so they're the positive reasons for it,
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  Speaker 2: and I think that kind of that kind of makes sense. Now.
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  Speaker 2: The neutral reasons for gift giving included, first off, acknowledgment.
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  Speaker 2: So this is basically saying, you know what, we're not
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  Speaker 2: actually that close anymore, but I know that I've got
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  Speaker 2: a responsibility to give you something. It's kind of like
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  Speaker 2: we've got these relatively superficial social ties that binders together,
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  Speaker 2: and therefore I need to commemorate those tenuous ties by
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  Speaker 2: giving something to you. I'm going to acknowledge that you're there,
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  Speaker 2: and that's a neutral motivation.
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  Speaker 3: So I don't know if you can answer this, but
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  Speaker 3: I remember hearing research the positive benefits to the giver, yes,
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  Speaker 3: in relation, and so when you think about the fact
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  Speaker 3: that you've had a relationship that's been severed, you want
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  Speaker 3: to acknowledge them. And the effort that goes into purchasing
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  Speaker 3: a gift would then be associated with positive emotion potentially.
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  Speaker 2: But I think it comes down to the motivation, Like
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  Speaker 2: if you're giving the same person that you're acknowledging socks
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  Speaker 2: for the fourth year, in a row. Maybe not. You
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  Speaker 2: can't give somebody so many flannel shirts, so many pairs
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  Speaker 2: of pajamas before they're like, yeah, you're not really thinking,
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  Speaker 2: you're just doing this because now I want to just
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  Speaker 2: pick up on that for a second though, and that is.
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  Speaker 3: We had a neighbor and every year, without fail, he
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  Speaker 3: just asked for a T shirt. Yeah, everyone and his
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  Speaker 3: family just brought him a new T shirt. So he
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  Speaker 3: replaced his T shirts every twelve months.
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  Speaker 2: Yes, And for some people, like as a gift giver,
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  Speaker 2: you don't want to be repetitive, you want to be
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  Speaker 2: a little bit surprising. You got to be like, well
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  Speaker 2: look what I got you. I thought about you. But
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  Speaker 2: every now and again it's okay to just give people
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  Speaker 2: something that you know is a winner, it's something that
• 10:01
  Speaker 2: they actually want. So this year for Christmas, dad wanted
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  Speaker 2: a pen. And because my dad is literally the hardest
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  Speaker 2: person on the planet to buy for, I was like,
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  Speaker 2: I'm just gonna go and buy him a pen. So
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  Speaker 2: we had some fun. We went to Sniegl and we
• 10:11
  Speaker 2: brought him a novelty pen, and we brought him some smelly,
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  Speaker 2: funky kind of pens, and then we gave him the
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  Speaker 2: real pen but it was just it was not surprising,
• 10:20
  Speaker 2: but it was something that he wanted and so it
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  Speaker 2: was really great to be able to give that to him. Anyway,
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  Speaker 2: that's the acknowledgment neutral approach.
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  Speaker 3: So what are the negatives.
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  Speaker 2: So the negatives are what are known as avoidance and simplification,
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  Speaker 2: and these are the reasons that people don't give gifts.
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  Speaker 2: Avoidance kind of makes sense, right, Avoidances, I just don't
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  Speaker 2: want to have to deal with you, and I'm not
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  Speaker 2: going to get you anything because then I'm going to
• 10:42
  Speaker 2: have to interact with you. And similarly, when it comes
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  Speaker 2: to simplification, it's like, guess what, we were together once
• 10:48
  Speaker 2: upon a time, but we're not anymore. And it just
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  Speaker 2: makes my life more simple if I don't have to
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  Speaker 2: think about you, don't have to buy you a gift,
• 10:54
  Speaker 2: don't have to bring you into my world or go
• 10:56
  Speaker 2: through the financial cost of finding something for you that
• 11:00
  Speaker 2: you don't really care about and I don't really care
• 11:01
  Speaker 2: about because we're not in one another's world anymore. So
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  Speaker 2: that was what the research showed, and I thought there's
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  Speaker 2: a whole lot of reality in that. For a whole
• 11:08
  Speaker 2: lot of people, married, divorced, separated, together, remarried or whatever.
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  Speaker 3: Well, I'm not looking at the clock, but I'm guessing
• 11:16
  Speaker 3: that our study number two is going to have to
• 11:19
  Speaker 3: be squeezed into the last few minutes of this podcast.
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  Speaker 2: Let's do it. This is actually a really fun study
• 11:24
  Speaker 2: what makes for a Merry Christmas. It's by two of
• 11:27
  Speaker 2: my favorite researchers, Tim Kassa and Ken Sheldon Kenn and Sheldon.
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  Speaker 3: So, if you were going to write the list justin
• 11:34
  Speaker 3: what would make for a merry Christmas in our household.
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  Speaker 2: Before I talked to you about what the study showed, Yeah,
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  Speaker 2: peace and quiet, lots of good food.
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  Speaker 3: And so does that mean you're giving the kids away
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  Speaker 3: for the weekend.
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  Speaker 2: And actually giving the kids something that brings them joy?
• 11:50
  Speaker 2: So I kind of, in many ways feel like we've
• 11:52
  Speaker 2: had a large portion of our Christmas already because when
• 11:55
  Speaker 2: the kids saw the puppy, when they cried, and over
• 11:58
  Speaker 2: the last week or so since we've had the puppy,
• 12:00
  Speaker 2: last two weeks whatever, it's been now just the joy
• 12:03
  Speaker 2: that the puppy has brought into the family. It's been
• 12:06
  Speaker 2: amazing for me. That's Christmas, that's the whole Christmas vibe.
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  Speaker 2: It's just the delight On the other hand, an anonymous
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  Speaker 2: participant in a nineteen eighty nine study said, and I quote,
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  Speaker 2: I get up early and with cash and credit cards
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  Speaker 2: in hand, go about the difficult and dirty task of
• 12:23
  Speaker 2: spreading Christmas cheer close quote. And so what Ken Sheldon
• 12:28
  Speaker 2: did with Tim Kassa is they went out and asked
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  Speaker 2: one hundred and seventeen individuals between the ages of eighteen
• 12:34
  Speaker 2: and eighty to answer questions about their satisfaction, their stress,
• 12:37
  Speaker 2: and their emotional state during the Christmas season, as well
• 12:41
  Speaker 2: as questions about their experiences, the way they use money,
• 12:46
  Speaker 2: and what their consumption behaviors were. And the results from
• 12:49
  Speaker 2: this study I think are really really fascinating. Bear in
• 12:54
  Speaker 2: mind an overwhelming majority of the Australian population celebrates Christmas,
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  Speaker 2: even those with a non Christian background, those who are
• 13:00
  Speaker 2: the nuns, those who when I say nuns, I don't
• 13:02
  Speaker 2: mean nuns as in a Catholic none, I mean nuns
• 13:05
  Speaker 2: as in no religion. And even those that are not
• 13:08
  Speaker 2: part of a Christian religion but part of another faith
• 13:11
  Speaker 2: will often join in the Australian Christmas festivities anyway, because
• 13:15
  Speaker 2: the whole nation's celebrating so huge number of people doing
• 13:19
  Speaker 2: this and Kylie, let me summarize what the research showed
• 13:22
  Speaker 2: and then you can add your thoughts around it. More
• 13:25
  Speaker 2: happiness was reported, according to Cassarine Sheldon, when family and
• 13:30
  Speaker 2: religious experiences were especially salient, and lower wellbeing occurred when
• 13:37
  Speaker 2: spending money and receiving gifts predominated. In some they say
• 13:44
  Speaker 2: quote the materialistic aspects of modern Christmas celebrations may undermine
• 13:48
  Speaker 2: well being, while family and spiritual activities may help people
• 13:52
  Speaker 2: to feel more satisfied.
• 13:54
  Speaker 3: That about sums about Christmas.
• 13:56
  Speaker 2: I think that it does. So you asked what my
• 13:59
  Speaker 2: perfec Christmas Day woul be, and it would be time
• 14:02
  Speaker 2: of the family in the morning, some really nice food,
• 14:04
  Speaker 2: an opportunity to have some religious observance of some kind,
• 14:08
  Speaker 2: because anyone who's listened to the podcast for while knows
• 14:10
  Speaker 2: that we have a faith background and it's important to us.
• 14:12
  Speaker 2: So that would have to be That would be integral
• 14:14
  Speaker 2: to what I would want my Christmas Day to incorporate.
• 14:18
  Speaker 2: And then lots of good food, some play, and a
• 14:22
  Speaker 2: minimal focus on gifts, and when those gifts are given
• 14:26
  Speaker 2: a primary focus with those gifts on experiences, tickets to something,
• 14:32
  Speaker 2: a show, a circus, whatever it might be so that
• 14:36
  Speaker 2: we can have experiences together. It might not be that
• 14:38
  Speaker 2: exhilarating to open it right now, but in a month's
• 14:40
  Speaker 2: time when we go to that cool thing that we
• 14:42
  Speaker 2: bought those tickets for, everyone's really excited. And Christmas you
• 14:45
  Speaker 2: get to extend Christmas throughout the year because you've made
• 14:47
  Speaker 2: those purchases.
• 14:48
  Speaker 3: Well, because of the decision we made this year to
• 14:50
  Speaker 3: give the kids a dog, Christmas Day is going to
• 14:53
  Speaker 3: be very very quiet in our house outside of chasing
• 14:57
  Speaker 3: a little puppy around the place, and I'm really looking
• 15:00
  Speaker 3: forward to just being able to have a low key
• 15:04
  Speaker 3: day where we're able to spend time together as a
• 15:07
  Speaker 3: family and just really revel in each other's company.
• 15:11
  Speaker 2: Well, Happy Christmas everyone, It's now ten days away. Today's
• 15:15
  Speaker 2: the fifteenth. Christmas is the twenty fifth Tomorrow on The
• 15:18
  Speaker 2: Happy Family's podcast, our final I'll Do Better tomorrow of
• 15:22
  Speaker 2: the year. The Happy Family's podcast is produced by Justin
• 15:25
  Speaker 2: Roland from Bridge Media. Craig Bruce is our executive producer
• 15:30
  Speaker 2: and for more information about making a family happy, please
• 15:33
  Speaker 2: visit us at happy families dot com dot u or
• 15:35
  Speaker 2: our Facebook page. Doctor Justin Coulson's Happy Families are the
• 15:39
  Speaker 2: like at Certaurn, We're done. Let's know, le let's know,
• 15:44
  Speaker 2: let us know.