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Transcript

THE BACKFIRE: Why Narcissists Rage When You Actually Leave · The Mental Healness Podcast

• 0:01
  Woo. I told you that I hated you.
• 0:05
  I told you that you were the reason I was unhappy.
• 0:08
  I told you to pack your stuff up and get the hell out.
• 0:11
  I told you 100 times to pack your stuff up and get the hell
• 0:14
  out. But then after you actually
• 0:18
  left, I wasn't planning on you leaving.
• 0:20
  I just, I was just, I wasn't playing right.
• 0:23
  Actually, when you actually left, it hurt.
• 0:28
  Instead of being happy and getting what I wanted, getting
• 0:31
  that freedom that I told you I wanted from you, I actually felt
• 0:35
  like my world was in it like today as I died.
• 0:39
  Those narcissists, I'm telling you why sometimes the reverse
• 0:42
  discard backfires and why your why your personal strength is
• 0:47
  the one thing a narcissist cannot handle.
• 0:52
  The reverse discard when it backfire like like when you
• 0:54
  cranking up a car and you hear that, you hear that like an old
• 0:57
  car and you hear you revving the engine up.
• 0:59
  You like when you hear that it's like a gunshot coming out the
• 1:03
  back. Your car backfired.
• 1:07
  That's what that's what happens. That's what happens when the
• 1:11
  reverse discard is going on sometimes right there, y'all?
• 1:14
  That is what's going on. Hey, you in Melbourne.
• 1:17
  So you might be super early at 4:00 or 5:00 AM.
• 1:19
  What's going on? What's going on, Jeanette?
• 1:21
  You know Australia too, so Melbourne and got another
• 1:23
  Australia right here back-to-back.
• 1:26
  But yeah, y'all, the reverse discard.
• 1:28
  If you don't know what the reverse discard is, it's when a
• 1:29
  narcissist or a toxic person, whoever pushes you away, they
• 1:34
  actually want you to be the one that leaves.
• 1:37
  They're pushing you out the door.
• 1:39
  They're they're withholding affection, they're not treating
• 1:42
  you good. They're treating you horribly
• 1:44
  like they are completely disconnected from you. 100%
• 1:47
  right, Just completely disconnected from you in all
• 1:50
  ways and they want you to leave. That's the reverse discard.
• 1:54
  But sometimes when they want you to leave and you actually do,
• 1:58
  there's a shock to the system and it causes them to lose they
• 2:03
  damn minds. That's what we're talking about
• 2:05
  today, y'all? To reverse this car when it
• 2:07
  backfires like an old car. What's going on?
• 2:11
  What's going on? Joy?
• 2:11
  I just responded to you in a group, but yeah, I'm going to
• 2:16
  hop right into it, y'all. So the mechanics, let's talk
• 2:19
  about the mechanics of the reverse this car, like the set
• 2:22
  above it, right? So narcissist, like as a
• 2:25
  narcissist, like we don't want you to be like, we don't want to
• 2:28
  be the one that breaks up the family, right?
• 2:30
  We don't want to be looked at as the bad guy.
• 2:33
  We actually would rather, and I say rather, we would Dan rather
• 2:38
  be the victim. We want to be the ones that got
• 2:42
  abandoned. We want to be the ones that got
• 2:45
  left high and dry. So we treat you like trash until
• 2:50
  you can't take it anymore, right?
• 2:52
  Until you yourself can't take it anymore and then you pack your
• 2:57
  stuff up and dip out or you want to dip out, right?
• 3:02
  Want to dip out? Absolutely love your show.
• 3:04
  Appreciate it, appreciate it. Thanks for tuning in.
• 3:06
  If you're on YouTube, make sure you hit that the subscribe
• 3:08
  button, hit the like button, drop a comment.
• 3:09
  I'm reading the comments, y'all. There will be AQ and A at the
• 3:12
  end wherever I get their questions asked.
• 3:14
  You just drop a comment, drop a like and whatnot.
• 3:15
  That's what we're here for. But yeah, we push you out the
• 3:19
  door pretty much. It emotionally push you out the
• 3:22
  door, maybe not physically, because if we physically were
• 3:24
  the ones to put you out the door, push you out the door,
• 3:27
  then it's not a reverse discard, It's an actual discard.
• 3:29
  Like we're discarding you. And you can say Lee kicked me
• 3:32
  out, he threw me out. But if I don't throw you out,
• 3:36
  then I can play the victim. You say that works right there.
• 3:39
  I can be the victim. I can just say, I say, you know
• 3:42
  what? I treated Rhonda amazing, right?
• 3:48
  I treated Rhonda amazing. But she still left.
• 3:52
  I wasn't good enough, Rhonda. She still left me.
• 3:56
  Please give me some supply. Please, please, you seem to say
• 4:00
  I who's it that Yep, it helps with their storyline.
• 4:03
  Yep, I can tell the new supply that I was a victim of a vicious
• 4:07
  breakup. I came home and you were going
• 4:10
  and I have no. Idea why you would leave me no
• 4:13
  earthly. Idea why you would go anywhere?
• 4:16
  This goes on right there. This is what goes on and this is
• 4:20
  what ends up happening, right? So in the narcissist's head, in
• 4:24
  our heads, we think that like sometimes like even though we
• 4:27
  want you to go or we push you out the door emotionally, we
• 4:31
  don't actually think he's going to leave.
• 4:33
  That's kind of crazy, right? It's like, it's like, it's like
• 4:36
  backwards. It's kind of, it's kind of
• 4:37
  stinking thinking, right? It's backwards thinking.
• 4:38
  Like we're thinking like they will never actually go.
• 4:42
  They put up with this mess for so long that they'll never
• 4:45
  actually go. They're too addicted to me.
• 4:48
  They're too drone to me. They can't.
• 4:50
  I'm the best they're ever going to get.
• 4:52
  It's literally a game of like cat and mouse or game of chicken
• 4:55
  that we expect to win 100% and whatnot.
• 5:01
  A we expect to win 100% of the time.
• 5:05
  Glenn says I'm a liar. I'm entertaining, but I'm a
• 5:08
  liar. OK, Glenn, I'm a liar.
• 5:14
  Cool. But it ends up happening, y'all.
• 5:16
  So we don't think you're going to actually leave.
• 5:19
  We think you're always going to be there.
• 5:21
  And that's why when you do leave you, you might.
• 5:25
  Get a vicious. Explosion that you're not
• 5:27
  anticipating on getting because you the 1 you the victim, the
• 5:33
  one that is being pushed out the door.
• 5:35
  You're like, hey, you pretty much gave me no choice but to
• 5:39
  leave. You pretty much said, hey, get
• 5:42
  the hell out of here and gave me no choice but to leave.
• 5:45
  So I left. What should I do?
• 5:48
  Like what are you talking about? But that's the craziness right
• 5:52
  there. That's the insanity of the
• 5:53
  mindset. Really.
• 5:55
  The realistically, that really is the insanity of the mindset.
• 5:58
  And that's why you get the big reaction when you actually do
• 6:00
  leave. Slowly backing into a poll.
• 6:07
  Should I show him my options? Like your options of different
• 6:10
  men? Why would you do that?
• 6:12
  Or your options of leaving? Why would you do that?
• 6:14
  Don't don't protect your safety first job.
• 6:18
  So why does your exit trigger narcissistic rage?
• 6:24
  Why does you leaving get them all about get them all out of
• 6:28
  shape and stuff like that. Why does that happen right
• 6:29
  there? So it's just like when you do
• 6:32
  leave, like when you leave on your terms, you took the script
• 6:36
  away from me. You see what I'm saying?
• 6:39
  When you left on your turn, like when you, it looked like you
• 6:41
  escaped. If I come home and your stuff is
• 6:43
  gone, it looks like you escaped. And you probably, in my mind,
• 6:47
  you probably could have told other people that you escaped,
• 6:52
  right? You could have told other people
• 6:53
  I had to leave when he was gone. He's so dangerous, right?
• 6:56
  You might have recorded a video of you leaving.
• 6:58
  You might have did you? Well, you might have did this
• 7:00
  type of stuff. There might be so much other
• 7:02
  things going on. You could have recorded a video.
• 7:03
  I don't know what you did, but now I'm angry because I I out of
• 7:06
  control. You didn't leave right in front
• 7:08
  of me. You left while I was gone.
• 7:10
  You packed your stuff up secretly and dipped out.
• 7:12
  And now I don't have control over the narrative.
• 7:14
  So I might well, I could do I could start blowing your phone
• 7:17
  up or I could start blowing up your friends and family.
• 7:21
  Like if I know where you went, I can start calling that person or
• 7:24
  they'll those people. If I think you went to your
• 7:26
  mom's house, guess what? I'm gonna start calling Mama.
• 7:28
  Hey, missus. Missus.
• 7:33
  Hey, missus Coco butter. Hey, missus Coco.
• 7:38
  Have you she left? I don't.
• 7:40
  Know why she left? I came home and she was gone.
• 7:44
  I just want my family back. Can you please just let me talk
• 7:52
  to her, please? I didn't know.
• 7:55
  I didn't know what happened. I didn't know what went on.
• 7:58
  I don't know what's going on. You mirror abandoned me when I
• 8:05
  was at my lowest. I was going through some stuff
• 8:07
  and she never wanted to talk. She abandoned me at my lowest.
• 8:11
  That's what she did. She left.
• 8:13
  She left me at my lowest. Little April.
• 8:16
  She did. So it's where it's her fault.
• 8:18
  You see how that looks right there?
• 8:18
  You see how that works? Yep, Labrina says.
• 8:22
  I was physically pushed out of the door as I packed my ish and
• 8:25
  left. His story is far from the truth.
• 8:26
  It's crazy. Yeah, 'cause it brings shame.
• 8:29
  You see what I'm saying? It brings shame to them when you
• 8:33
  are telling the truth and they can't control the narrative it
• 8:35
  brings. It opens up the door for that
• 8:37
  narcissistic person to experience shame.
• 8:40
  That's the word of the day. Y'all shame.
• 8:43
  Shame is the word of the day. Shame, shame.
• 8:49
  They are pathological liars and believe the lies that they tell.
• 8:52
  Some believe the lies that they tell.
• 8:55
  Most narcissists know that they're a lying y'all.
• 8:56
  They know it's not the truth, right?
• 8:58
  They know it's not the truth. They like if you catch them with
• 9:01
  a Hickey on their neck, scratches on their back, you
• 9:05
  mean bloodshot eyes, whatever. You know they've been clapping
• 9:08
  cheeks with somebody, but they know and they know they've been
• 9:11
  clapping cheeks. So if I sorry, I hadn't told you
• 9:13
  I've been, I know I've been sleeping with somebody else.
• 9:15
  If I started to tell you that I got an an alien attack or some
• 9:19
  pit bulls jumped on me on the way home and I had to fight them
• 9:22
  off. And they were they were not,
• 9:23
  they were not vicious pit bulls. They were like friendly ones.
• 9:25
  These these pit bulls didn't bite.
• 9:27
  They sucked on your neck. I was like, don't suck on my
• 9:29
  neck. Pit bull.
• 9:30
  My, my who who knows who, who who knows my wife is going to
• 9:36
  stay. Who, who, who knows my wife is
• 9:37
  going to think, Oh my God, you're using only your keyboard.
• 9:40
  Oh my God, no. If you've already turn off,
• 9:42
  sorry, who knows? Like they're inviting me.
• 9:47
  The dog that. Pitbull is sucked.
• 9:49
  Out of my neck. You're going to get me in
• 9:53
  trouble. That's insane, isn't it?
• 9:55
  That's an insane way to talk. That's an insane thing.
• 10:00
  Appreciate that April Delaware had to drive.
• 10:02
  Y'all drove 13 hours back and forth to Delaware.
• 10:04
  Appreciate the donation to the channel says if she breaks up
• 10:08
  with me, if she breaks up with me someone else, but she's still
• 10:11
  living in my apartment in another room and living a double
• 10:14
  life. If I confronted her later and
• 10:16
  asked her to leave the apartment, is that a reverse
• 10:17
  discard? No, that's not reverse discard
• 10:20
  because you have evidence if you have evidence of her to sleep
• 10:22
  with somebody else or doing some dating somebody else, that's not
• 10:25
  a reverse discard. Oh no, no, you talking if she
• 10:28
  doing a reverse discard. No, no, no.
• 10:30
  So she in this situation right here because you have evidence,
• 10:33
  it can't necessarily be a reverse discard because she's
• 10:35
  sleeping with somebody else right?
• 10:37
  You would want her to go. Most people want them to go
• 10:40
  right. So no, I think she's probably
• 10:41
  sitting in the other room think you're going to beg her to stay.
• 10:44
  I think she's sitting there. She's thinking you're just going
• 10:46
  to flip the script and beg her to stay instead of being the one
• 10:48
  that leaves beside that work. I think this is what she's doing
• 10:52
  in there and maybe the other person doesn't think that you're
• 10:56
  going to you and she doesn't think you're ever going to leave
• 10:58
  her alone. So that's the part of her right
• 10:59
  there. You mean yes LeBron, this will
• 11:02
  absolutely be posted later on. Y'all can watch the replay
• 11:04
  later, but thanks for the donation to the channel y'all.
• 11:10
  Where was I in my thing? But yeah, this is what goes on
• 11:13
  right here. Y'all So in a narcissist mind,
• 11:16
  even if I act like, even though I acted like I like I hated you
• 11:21
  or I didn't care about you or that your your presence alone
• 11:25
  was irritating to my soul. The second you leave something
• 11:30
  in my mind clicks shut in like the void in the void inside me
• 11:35
  opens. I'm like, damn, my main supply
• 11:38
  is gone. And then I can start screaming,
• 11:41
  crying, breaking stuff because in my mind, you're going to go
• 11:44
  find somebody else. That's not what I wanted, right?
• 11:48
  I might have wanted you to leave, but I didn't think that
• 11:52
  you were going, like I said. But I now my mind is focusing
• 11:55
  you finding somebody else, being happy with someone else.
• 11:57
  And I don't necessarily want that to happen right there.
• 12:00
  You see what I'm saying? Absolutely.
• 12:02
  You don't want that to happen a while.
• 12:06
  Fast trip. Yeah.
• 12:07
  I left Wednesday. I spent the night in Delaware on
• 12:09
  Wednesday, did my interview on Thursday morning.
• 12:12
  I just came home Thursday night. So wasn't that right there?
• 12:17
  So that happens right there. You're welcome.
• 12:22
  You're welcome. But yeah, so in that mindset,
• 12:25
  like I did, like when you leave, my mind automatically shifts to
• 12:30
  you being with someone else. And that's not what I want.
• 12:33
  I don't want you to be with somebody else.
• 12:34
  I want you to be alone by yourself and just leave because
• 12:38
  that's when I get to do what I want to do.
• 12:40
  And know you're always going to be where you'll be, right?
• 12:43
  Where I left you, right. You'll be exactly why where I
• 12:47
  left you. But instead, I'm thinking you're
• 12:49
  moving on. So now I'm panicking.
• 12:51
  I'm panicking. My mind is attacking me like you
• 12:53
  did exactly what I want. You did exactly what I thought I
• 12:56
  wanted you to do. But now my mind is panicking.
• 13:00
  And I thought that you would do that right there.
• 13:02
  You see what I'm saying? I thought, I didn't think you
• 13:04
  would actually leave. That's what like, yeah, just
• 13:06
  sidebar. Let's go sidebar over sidebar.
• 13:10
  A lot of narcissists treat you a certain type of way because they
• 13:14
  don't ever think you're going to leave them.
• 13:19
  Simply put, that's why they treat you badly.
• 13:21
  They think you're going to persevere through it because in
• 13:23
  your mind, in so many people's mind, we, we've been convinced.
• 13:27
  We've been convinced as a society that relate struggle
• 13:32
  relationships are better. Relationships that go through
• 13:35
  turmoil are better somehow, some way, shape or form the ride or
• 13:39
  die. You, you don't have a real
• 13:41
  relationship if you're not struggling, right?
• 13:43
  You don't have a real relationship.
• 13:44
  You're not fussing and fighting every single day.
• 13:46
  Real couples fight every single day.
• 13:50
  There's very little peace in real relationships.
• 13:52
  Doesn't that sound stupid? Doesn't, doesn't sound dumb.
• 13:57
  But that's what they think. That's what they'll convince
• 13:58
  you. They'll convince you to if you
• 14:00
  want to be with a narcissist like this is the advice I can
• 14:03
  give you right here and I'm in the sidebar.
• 14:05
  If you want to be with a narcissist that is not working
• 14:07
  on themselves, you have to accept less.
• 14:12
  Less peace, less happiness, less joy, less of everything.
• 14:17
  And is that will some people accept that?
• 14:21
  Yes, there are a lot of people that will absolutely accept less
• 14:24
  just because they they're trauma binding to the person or they
• 14:27
  don't want to be alone. So you accept less, you accept
• 14:30
  the cheater, you accept a liar, you accept the manipulator, you
• 14:32
  accept somebody that beat your ass, right?
• 14:34
  You accept it because you, you have to accept less to be with a
• 14:38
  narcissist. That's the that's the one thing
• 14:39
  right there. You have to accept less to be in
• 14:43
  a task relationship mindset. You can't meet my needs.
• 14:46
  I can't know what I'm done. I had enough.
• 14:49
  Good for you, but that's what goes on right there man.
• 14:52
  So in these situations like after the reverse discord has
• 14:56
  worked but it's also backfired after that what happens is
• 15:01
  desperation narcissist. A narcissist that doesn't that
• 15:04
  wanted you to leave but has changed their mind abruptly
• 15:07
  entered this like this kind of desperation stage where they
• 15:12
  rage like the the rage and the begging that they do are not
• 15:16
  signs that they've realized your value.
• 15:18
  I think when people leave and you think when you leave and
• 15:21
  then somebody's calling you and begging you to come back home,
• 15:24
  you automatically think, and this is what a normal human
• 15:26
  thought, right? You automatically think that
• 15:28
  this person has seen the light that they have.
• 15:31
  They see your value in your worth now and you understand,
• 15:34
  you like, oh, they must see exactly what I'm worth right
• 15:36
  now. That's not what it is, right?
• 15:37
  You think that's what it is. That's not what it is.
• 15:40
  These are signs that they realize that they've lost power
• 15:43
  and control, that you might go to somebody else like you.
• 15:45
  Like if, if I, if I get you to come back after you left, I won.
• 15:51
  I win the game of control. Think about it.
• 15:53
  And once you're back, the cycle starts over again and again and
• 15:56
  again. And what happens when you go
• 15:58
  back to a narcissist? What's the what happens when you
• 16:00
  go back to a narcissist over and over again?
• 16:02
  What happens? It typically gets worse right
• 16:08
  when you go back to narcissist over and over again.
• 16:10
  It typically gets worse stalking after rage.
• 16:14
  I know you're dealing with that. Yeah, they real will rage and
• 16:18
  they will stalk. They some of them will get
• 16:19
  crazy. Like it goes on over and over
• 16:22
  and over again. It doesn't stop until it stops.
• 16:27
  It does not stop until it stops. And there's like, I'm not, I'm
• 16:30
  not saying that there's nothing you can do about it.
• 16:32
  I'm just saying this is how it goes.
• 16:34
  This is the mentality of a narcissistic person.
• 16:37
  This is how the mind of a narcissist works.
• 16:40
  This is what you have to deal with with a narcissist.
• 16:43
  Like when you go back to a narcissist, it will get worse.
• 16:48
  Yes, you absolutely right In April.
• 16:49
  They want the power back. If you go back, it will get
• 16:52
  worse. Yep, Kelly said.
• 16:54
  I thought it was love. I thought I meant that much to
• 16:57
  him. Went back several times.
• 16:58
  It got worse. Yep, absolutely right.
• 16:59
  That's what happened right there.
• 17:00
  It does get worse. Narcissist will even scream at
• 17:04
  you if you're getting sick and needing to go to the doctor.
• 17:06
  Yeah, absolutely. The cycle gets worse because
• 17:09
  like, well, Lee, why does it get worse?
• 17:13
  I'm glad you asked because I think you are OK with the
• 17:18
  behavior. It could be as simple as that.
• 17:22
  It will get worse because now I think that you're OK with what I
• 17:26
  have done. I think you're OK with the stuff
• 17:29
  that I put you through. I think you were OK with it
• 17:31
  because like if narcissists have black and white thinking things
• 17:35
  are either all good or all bad, they're very, there's very
• 17:39
  little middle ground, all good or all bad.
• 17:41
  So if you leave me, it's all bad.
• 17:44
  I'm a bad person. But if you come back, it's all
• 17:48
  good and you can't complain, especially if you come back
• 17:51
  under your own volition. If you're the only person that
• 17:54
  if you come back on your own, if you reach out to me, if you
• 17:58
  break no contact and you're the one that reaches out to me,
• 18:00
  you're cooked. You are cooked.
• 18:04
  You're coming like you're coming back with their promise that
• 18:06
  they will not change. You're OK.
• 18:08
  You got this. Yeah, you're OK Defy them and
• 18:11
  watch them lose their minds and be safe.
• 18:12
  Be defy them with some distance between.
• 18:14
  You don't want to defy them right face to face, right?
• 18:16
  I don't look just. I want, I want y'all to be safe,
• 18:18
  right? I want y'all to win.
• 18:20
  Be as safe as you can. I want that for you.
• 18:23
  You know what I mean? That's what I want for you more
• 18:25
  than anything. That's what I want for you right
• 18:28
  there. Like seriously, that's how I
• 18:31
  look at it. I want y'all to have peace.
• 18:33
  I want y'all to have happiness. I really, really do.
• 18:37
  You know what I mean? And that's what ends up going
• 18:39
  on. So when you're dealing with a
• 18:41
  narcissistic person, this is the part of it right here.
• 18:43
  So think about it like this. And I'm going to say this last
• 18:48
  part and then we'll do the Q&A. If they told you to leave and
• 18:53
  now they're raging because you did stay gone.
• 18:57
  Keep walking. You made the choice to leave.
• 18:59
  There's a reason why you made the choice to leave.
• 19:01
  Even if even if it's tough, I know it's tough as hell to leave
• 19:05
  somebody that you care about. You don't have to hate them to
• 19:07
  move on. You can love people from a
• 19:09
  distance, right? The rage, but they they might
• 19:12
  like this. If they rage after you left,
• 19:13
  when they told you to leave, the rage is proof that they finally,
• 19:17
  that you finally took your power back.
• 19:19
  You took your power back from them.
• 19:20
  That's still the rage is don't hand it back to them.
• 19:24
  Just keep, you know, just don't hand it back to them just
• 19:27
  because they're loud and screaming and begging and
• 19:29
  crying, promising to change. Don't do that, right?
• 19:33
  Don't do that at all. What does that benefit you right
• 19:36
  there? You see what I'm saying?
• 19:37
  Going back into the toxicity, what does he get?
• 19:39
  What are you benefiting from that right there?
• 19:42
  So can't believe you're in a barrel.
• 19:44
  I'm a book assession. So I, I, I, I lived in
• 19:47
  Greensboro. I lived in Greensboro from what,
• 19:50
  2004 until 2011? I live in like Raleigh Durham
• 19:57
  now I live in the Raleigh Durham area.
• 20:03
  Raleigh Durham. My office is in in Hillsboro.
• 20:06
  I'm in Hillsboro, Hillsboro, North Carolina and whatnot.
• 20:11
  Yes. Run away, run, run away.
• 20:12
  Yep, Yep, Yep. My therapist is in Greensboro,
• 20:16
  though. I go to therapy in Greensboro.
• 20:17
  My therapist is, I go to Sante Counseling in Greensboro off of
• 20:20
  East Bessemer. It's tougher when you have kids
• 20:22
  with them and families in another state have to get a note
• 20:25
  from them to move. Oh yeah.
• 20:26
  Oh yeah. That is so tough.
• 20:27
  That can be so tough. Like that's my advice.
• 20:30
  If you don't have kids with them, don't have kids with them,
• 20:32
  y'all, Babies make things tougher.
• 20:34
  I know you. I know you want the little, the
• 20:36
  little bouncing bundle of joy look.
• 20:38
  At my cute little baby. But it's tough when you have a
• 20:41
  manipulator or an abusive ass person, right, that you're
• 20:45
  dealing with. That's very tough to do.
• 20:48
  Yeah, that's very that's very tough to do.
• 20:51
  A lot of people like you need to need to feel the need to
• 20:55
  thinking with people. Might want to rephrase it and
• 20:58
  I'll I'll answer it. No contact is the best if
• 21:01
  possible, right? If you can go no contact that's
• 21:03
  great, but if you can't, I have a video posted on my YouTube
• 21:06
  channel called on contact. It's when you have to contact
• 21:10
  them, when you have to stay in contact with them.
• 21:11
  It's only necessary contact, right?
• 21:14
  Only necessary I how to ask of you, do they ever care or love
• 21:22
  anyone besides them? Even if they do, it's not going
• 21:25
  to be to the level that the person deserves or the person
• 21:27
  wants. Even if they love and care about
• 21:30
  you, that's what it is right there.
• 21:32
  It's not going to be to the level that you're searching for.
• 21:34
  You deserve is going to be something not, you know what I
• 21:38
  mean? It's, it's love if you like, if
• 21:41
  you like sugar. Some people might go for
• 21:44
  sucrose. You see what I'm saying?
• 21:45
  Might go, might do Splenda. They might go for, they might
• 21:50
  accept Splenda. It would not.
• 21:56
  Lee has a troll. I got a lot of trolls.
• 21:59
  Can a narcissist pretend to have an illness?
• 22:01
  Yes. There's a woman I, I talked to a
• 22:03
  couple years ago, right? And her boyfriend pretended to
• 22:06
  have cancer. He pretended to go to checkups
• 22:08
  and everything. He pretended to go to checkups
• 22:11
  and everything just to be able to stay in contact with her.
• 22:14
  He's just like, I'm sick and you're going to treat me like
• 22:15
  this? You're going to leave me when
• 22:17
  I'm sick? How dare you?
• 22:19
  And then she found out through his sister totally by accident
• 22:23
  through his sister that he didn't have actually have
• 22:25
  cancer, but he was lying the whole time.
• 22:29
  The whole time he was go he had a leg injury, but he made it
• 22:32
  seem like he had leg cancer or something.
• 22:33
  He was he was kind of evil. My ex fiance ghosted me several
• 22:40
  times for a year and a half. I found out that my engagement
• 22:43
  ring was fake and he showed me and my family a fake receipt
• 22:45
  when my sister say it was fake when he asked me to marry him.
• 22:48
  So he showed you a fake receipt that mean he knew it was fake it
• 22:50
  the whole time. You know what I'm saying?
• 22:52
  This is what I'll say the sidebar another sidebar.
• 22:55
  Narcissistic people, especially men, narcissistic men weaponize
• 23:00
  marriage y'all. I don't a lot of people don't
• 23:01
  realize that, but they absolutely do weaponize
• 23:04
  marriage. Marriage is 100% weaponized.
• 23:09
  They will dangle that marriage carrot out there.
• 23:11
  Right? Just like if you want to be
• 23:13
  married, you got to do this right?
• 23:19
  And you'll be jumping through hoops to do things for them just
• 23:23
  so you can get married and be be in an unhappy marriage.
• 23:27
  Shout out to Julianne for the the donation to the I appreciate
• 23:30
  it, she says. I feel the word narcissist is
• 23:31
  just thrown around so casually. Now if you could narrow it down
• 23:34
  to three straight facts that define a narcissist, what would
• 23:36
  they be? Everyone says they're a
• 23:37
  narcissist. So there's no, there's no three
• 23:39
  straight facts I always look at. I always go, I always refer to
• 23:43
  the DSM 5 for narcissist, right. For the traits of narcissist, I
• 23:46
  refer to the DSM 5 because to be an actual diagnosed narcissist,
• 23:51
  you have to have five out of nine traits.
• 23:53
  There are 9 traits they that that people use to clinically
• 23:57
  diagnose someone with narcissistic personality
• 23:59
  disorder and you only need 5. You only need 5.
• 24:04
  You know what I mean? You only need to be half five.
• 24:08
  You mean what are the 9 traits of a narcissist?
• 24:14
  You only need 5 to be diagnosed and what not, right?
• 24:17
  So I would look at it like this. The one main thing that I think
• 24:22
  most narcissists lack is empathy.
• 24:25
  You kind of look at the you have to look at empathy, right?
• 24:28
  You have to look at the empathy, the capacity for empathy, look
• 24:31
  at how they are treating other people, right?
• 24:34
  Are they empathetic towards you or other people?
• 24:37
  How do they handle conflict? How do they act when you are
• 24:40
  sick? What are they?
• 24:41
  What are they like during the holidays?
• 24:43
  You know what I mean? There's not three specific ones.
• 24:45
  You could just like if you look up the 9 traits, all you need is
• 24:48
  yeah, you'll need, you only need 5.
• 24:49
  And even if somebody has four and is not clinical narcissist,
• 24:53
  that's still A to me, that's still a narcissistic person,
• 24:56
  right? Narcissistic person said the 9
• 24:58
  traits sense of self importance preoccupation with fantasies
• 25:02
  entitle definitely entitle entitlement can only be
• 25:06
  understood by special people interpersonal interpersonally
• 25:10
  exploitative like your their relationships are they really
• 25:13
  are good manipulation, arrogant and hearty lacks empathy must be
• 25:18
  a must be admired and envious of others.
• 25:21
  Those are the 9 traits right there.
• 25:22
  I would just look at 5 just say like say you only need you only
• 25:26
  need 5 to be diagnosed. But if anybody that you're
• 25:30
  dealing with lacks I I would say the main three I would look at
• 25:33
  lacks empathy. You mean lacks empathy?
• 25:36
  If they're personally exploitative, they take
• 25:38
  advantage of other to achieve their own ends.
• 25:40
  That right there is a big one. Or they manipulate or they're
• 25:43
  taking advantage of people just to achieve their own needs.
• 25:47
  And absolutely, the preoccupation within the
• 25:50
  delusions of grandeur are huge. I would say those are the main 3
• 25:54
  right there that I will look at when you're dealing with
• 25:56
  somebody that could be a, a pathological narcissist.
• 25:58
  Because like I said, narcissist or not, and I'll say this right
• 26:01
  here, Julianne, narcissist or not, are you OK with the
• 26:04
  behaviors, right? Are you OK with the behaviors?
• 26:09
  You know, because you don't have to be a narciss.
• 26:10
  I know what people throw the word.
• 26:11
  I think people throw the word narcissist around too, because
• 26:14
  people tag me in some craziness like Lee, this is definitely a
• 26:16
  narcissist. And be somebody like farting in
• 26:17
  their girlfriend's face or something like that.
• 26:20
  That's nasty. I don't know if it's
• 26:21
  narcissistic, right? It's thrown around a lot.
• 26:23
  But I'm I'm kind of glad it is because it's allowed people to
• 26:28
  wake up, right? It's allowed people to wake up
• 26:31
  and understand what they went through.
• 26:33
  Is it thrown around falsely? And sometimes, yeah, absolutely
• 26:35
  true. But I think is the the greater
• 26:37
  good of the world that people awaken up the toxicity and toxic
• 26:40
  relationship dynamics and narcissistic abuse on all ends
• 26:43
  of it. Male narcissistic abuse, female
• 26:45
  narcissistic abuse, transgender narcissistic abuse.
• 26:49
  I'll be surprised like there's like I hear some crazy, like I
• 26:53
  hear some wild stories like this, this it's bad.
• 26:57
  It's not funny, but this narcissistic woman transition
• 27:01
  into a narcissistic man and started getting physically
• 27:05
  abusive. Like I don't testosterone had
• 27:07
  the the top surgery and became a physically abusive man.
• 27:12
  Ain't that crazy. Like went from a manipulative,
• 27:15
  exploitative, narcissistic woman and transitioned into a
• 27:18
  physically abusive narcissistic man when he got on testosterone.
• 27:20
  It was crazy. You know, I've heard some wild
• 27:23
  stories, but appreciate the donation to the channel, Julian.
• 27:25
  I really, truly appreciate it. I read some crazy yeah, my one
• 27:27
  on ones get intense. They y'all, like I said, I ain't
• 27:30
  put my website on there. We got to talking about the my
• 27:33
  website rightherementalillness.net for
• 27:35
  all things Lee Hammock. Y'all check out my course
• 27:39
  Understanding the Seven Stages of a Narcissistic Relationship.
• 27:42
  You can find it at courses.mentalillness.net.
• 27:45
  You can get my first, my very first course for like $20.
• 27:48
  Y'all. It's, it's a very like all five
• 27:51
  star reviews on there and they're from real people and
• 27:52
  they're like, it's fake reviews into the code mothers or fathers
• 27:56
  to get the 50% off my I any of my courses or the bundle.
• 28:00
  I have two courses you can bundle together for like $60.00
• 28:03
  and there's like over 5060 videos.
• 28:05
  There's a lot, a lot of videos I put together.
• 28:07
  I'm working on another course right now.
• 28:09
  Y'all a digital one that's more in depth about how to leave a
• 28:12
  narcissist. It's called the path to it's
• 28:13
  called the pathway to peace. I'm working on that.
• 28:15
  I'm actually going to work on that today.
• 28:19
  Does your support group offer like chat room type of support?
• 28:21
  Yeah, people, I'm actually like one of the women who I think one
• 28:23
  of the women who's in here now, she was in my she was in here
• 28:26
  earlier. She might still in here.
• 28:28
  I don't know. She's still in joy.
• 28:29
  I don't know. Joy's still in.
• 28:30
  She wasn't here earlier before I happen to live.
• 28:32
  I literally just responded to something that she posted about
• 28:34
  in the chat right in the group and whatnot.
• 28:41
  Sorry, I'm going through a lot of comments on here.
• 28:42
  Y'all if you're on YouTube is is this is streaming both on
• 28:46
  YouTube and on Facebook out. I broke with my ex of two years
• 28:50
  almost a year ago and I'm still so broke.
• 28:51
  It takes time. It takes time to heal yo stop
• 28:54
  beating yourself up. It takes time to heal.
• 28:56
  So many people get into these situations and you think you're
• 28:58
  supposed to be further healed than you are.
• 29:00
  You're OK. You're going to be OK.
• 29:02
  I promise that you are. You're going to be OK.
• 29:06
  It just takes time to heal. Don't start beating yourself on
• 29:08
  top of the head because you haven't healed yet in a year.
• 29:10
  I shouldn't feel better by now. You are feeling better.
• 29:12
  That's why you're still here, right?
• 29:14
  You're still here. You're still active, you're
• 29:16
  still living, you're still moving forward.
• 29:18
  So you are healing. Let's see.
• 29:18
  There's joy right there. Yeah.
• 29:19
  So she's in my group. She's my smoker for a while.
• 29:25
  But anyway, y'all, I do got to hop out over here.
• 29:27
  I'm, I got to work on my course and whatnot.
• 29:30
  I have to work on my course and do things like that so, so I can
• 29:33
  finish it this week. Mental healingness.net for all
• 29:36
  things Lee Hammock. You know, I truly appreciate
• 29:37
  every single one of y'all. I appreciate you so much, April.
• 29:40
  Always thankful for hearing y'all go watch the replay and
• 29:42
  all the questions and stuff like that like that as well.
• 29:44
  Y'all be safe, take care of yourselves.
• 29:47
  I'm so grateful. I'm so thankful for every single
• 29:49
  one of y'all. Take care of yourselves, take
• 29:51
  care of each other. And we will chat later.
• 29:53
  Y'all peace. I work with joy.
• 29:56
  You've seen the course and you seen.