Latest / The Golden Chronicles / Episode 19: Fear- Friend or Foe?
Transcript
- Danielle: Hi, before we get into this week's episode, I just wanted to share a little bit with you about our sponsor, EAR-GOES High Fidelity Hearing Protection. I've shared a little bit about how I work in live events and how protecting my hearing is something that's really important to me. Well, EAR-GOES was founded by live music professionals and designed for people who need some hearing protection without sacrificing that sound clarity, which is exactly where I fall. carry mine with me every day and I use them not only for hearing protection, but I also use them to help me stay focused in a noisy venue or on a flight. They do a really great job of reducing the volume without making everything sound muffled. You definitely don't have to work in the live events industry to use them because they are great for attending concerts, they're great for flying, they're great for sleeping when background noise is a problem. Eargoes offers several different styles and levels of noise reduction so you can choose whatever makes the most sense for your life. To check them out, visit EAR-GOES.COM That's E-A-R-G-O-E-S dot com and use promo code Golden for 15% off of your purchase. All right, let's get into this episode. Hi, and welcome to this week's episode of the Golden Chronicles Podcast. I'm Danielle and I'm the Millennial. Victoria: And I'm Victoria and I'm the baby boomer. Danielle: And we are so glad to have you here with us today. If you are joining us for the first time, we'd like to say welcome. And if you are a return listener, we would like to say welcome back. Thanks for being here with us. Victoria: Welcome back. we're so glad to have you. Danielle: we wanted to go over a little bit of housekeeping stuff first. So I don't know if you guys have got the memo, but we are switching Victoria: Ha ha ha. Danielle: from every other week to every three weeks. It is hard to keep up with the two week schedule when I'm on the road. And so we're gonna try to do every three weeks, so that we can still have some consistency and we're not dropping late episodes for you guys. So that is gonna be a change. and then also our drop day it's gonna be on Thursdays instead of Tuesdays. So those are gonna be Victoria: Right. Danielle: our two changes every three weeks and then moving from Tuesdays to Thursdays. So I just wanted to keep Victoria: Yes. Danielle: you guys informed and keep you in the loop so that we're all on the same page here. You know we love communication. okay Victoria: Yeah. Yeah. So as Halloween approaches, we we thought we would talk about fear. we find ourselves surrounded by the playful side of fear. Haunted houses, scary movies, which I don't like, costumes, Danielle: Mm-hmm. Victoria: mm today we're gonna be talking about how we individually experience fear, how our responses to it affect our lives and relationships, and whether parents and children sometimes fear the same things while expressing them very differently. Danielle: I'm certain that that is a thing. I feel like Victoria: Mm-hmm. Danielle: the generations one lend themselves to different fears or experiencing fears differently. for sure. So you know that we love to do definitions here, so let's get into the definition of fear. Fear is an unpleasant emotion caused by the belief that someone or something is dangerous, likely to cause pain, or poses a threat to our safety or stability. Victoria: So when you hear the word fear, what immediately comes to your mind? Danielle: Panic? Horror, crying. These are all the Victoria: Mm-hmm. Danielle: things that come to mind when I think of the word fear. Victoria: Ha ha ha. Danielle: yeah, I guess Victoria: Pain. Danielle: just I don't s it's interesting pain and fear don't necessarily go hand in hand for me. Like I don't think pain when I hear fear. Yeah, I guess I think of the discomfort of being afraid. Victoria: Okay. Danielle: First. That's the first thing that I think of when I hear the word fear. What about you? What's the first thing that comes to mind when you hear the word fear? Victoria: Mm. Hesitation. Danielle: Hm. Victoria: so I would hesitate to Well anxiety plays a part of that, but that anxiety causes me to hesitate and to take a step back and to look at it. I don't process it as, mm, am I feeling fear? The fear just kind of causes the hesitation without me even giving it any consideration. Danielle: Yeah. Victoria: So let me ask you, what frightened you as a child? I mean, I know Danielle: As a child Victoria: you're thirty eight, so that's a long time ago. Danielle: three decades ago. Victoria: Yeah. Danielle: the rapture frightened me as a child. Victoria: yeah. Yeah. Danielle: I like anytime I remember like anytime I wouldn't be able to find you guys, I would be like, the rapture's coming and gone I'm still here. I got left behind. Where's Kirk Cameron when you need him? Victoria: my that's a that's a legitimate fear for a Christian, that's a legitimate fear. Danielle: Yeah. what about you? Were you afraid of the dark or strangers or anything like that? Or was the rapture a fear of yours when you were growing up? Victoria: Yeah, the rapture was a fear of mine, not when I was growing up, but maybe for a short period of time when I became an adult. it it was frightening for me. I fear death at this point because I don't know what is to come. And Danielle: Hm. Victoria: you all know, those of you who know me well know that I really need a schedule and I need to be able to follow that schedule. And death, okay. It ain't Danielle: Ain't scheduled. It ain't scheduled. Victoria: scheduled. And so, like when I look at my schedule, I know at ten o'clock this is gonna happen at ten o'clock or I don't know what's gonna happen after death and I know that it's talked about in scripture. I do have a of a weird fear this I'm being very vulnerable, you know that I am transparent and I don't mind being vulnerable and authentic. But I don't want to be buried because I, although I know what scripture says, but here maybe this is one of those fears that's just hanging around. I feel like I'm going to be in a coffin and I'll be aware that I'm trapped inside of a box. So that's, that's something that I fear. And I've changed my desires for what I want after I die because of that. Danielle: Yeah. Victoria: So, you know, I have to, that's something that I'm going to have to have a conversation with my Heavenly Father about so that he can give me some peace concerning that. Danielle: Yeah. I just wanna return to the earth. Victoria: Do want to come back as a human or? I'm sorry, Danielle: I dunno. Victoria: I'm sorry, is that offensive? Danielle: I dunno. No. Victoria: okay. Danielle: I don't know. A human the my human experience has been fun, but like Victoria: Yeah. Danielle: an earthworm, I don't know. feel like I f death a lot less now than I used to fear death. And I don't know if that's just that I've had more experience with it or maybe I'm not old enough to be thinking about my own death right now. I fear dying and not completing what I wanna complete. Victoria: Mm-hmm. Me too. Danielle: Or someone else dying particularly my husband and not being able to live out my life with him. that's scary to me. Victoria: Yeah, absolutely. Danielle: But Maybe not my own death as much. Victoria: Right. Right. when your dad died, I don't know, w there was some fear associated with that, but he assured me that he was not afraid to die. So Danielle: Yeah. Victoria: his the way he thought about it helped me to go through his dying process. now that he's gone, however, I fear making wrong choices. Danielle: Mm. Victoria: but I it's been thirteen years coming up at the end of this month and do make good choices. I still have choices that I need to make. Don't have the cookies, have the apple instead, Or even I'm in the process of making the decision to move. and I have to make some decisions about my finances and I have to make those decisions alone. so Because I'm a person who for most of my life I would stuff feelings, I did not fear having to make the decisions because I just stuffed the fact that I had to make a decision, which got rid of the fear. Danielle: Hm. Victoria: But it but it wasn't a wise way of handling things because I didn't process the information that I needed to process to make an appropriate decision for me. I just stuffed it all. Danielle: Yeah. Right. interesting that when you are experiencing fear you feel the need to stuff it or feel like that's your natural response is to stuff it. Where when I'm feeling fear, I I think that my natural response is to figure it out. Which kinda plays into my unsolicited advice giving because Victoria: Yeah. Danielle: if I'm feeling fear or or someone else expresses that they're feeling fear, I'm like, well let's figure it out. Let's let's fix it. If you're afraid, like let's why are you afraid? What can we do to to not be afraid? Like Victoria: Mm-hmm. Danielle: so interesting. It's the complete opposite where you're natural Naturally disposed, your natural disposition is to stuff it and my natural disposition is to figure it out. Let's f face it head on, you know, let's I Victoria: Mm-hmm. Yeah. Danielle: don't want to be afraid anymore. How do you experience fear? like how do you know when you're afraid? Do you feel it in your body? Is it more in your thoughts? Victoria: absolutely more in my thoughts. Danielle: Yeah. Victoria: so when I was doing some research for this word, it talked about the the difference between the way boomers and millennials handle fear. And one thing that kind of relates to what you just said that I thought was interesting, it said that millennials are more inclined to name, analyze, and vocalize fear. viewing it Danielle: Yeah. Victoria: as emotional transparency and a key to healing and authentic connection. Danielle: Yeah, that's resonates with me for sure. Victoria: yeah, we're y yeah. Danielle: I feel like our society is moving more towards authenticity and healing and transparency and vulnerability Victoria: Mm-hmm. Danielle: and all of those things. and where being authentic and sharing my struggles is a superpower as opposed to in the past where it was like no, I don't want anybody to know that I'm struggling because personally I feel like when I have a fear and I'm able to v name it and vocalize it and then someone says, my gosh, me too, I'm afraid of that too it has less power. It's not like the this big scary thing that only I'm experiencing and only, I can navigate because nobody else has experienced this. It's like, no, this is kind of like a normal thing, even though my specifics may be different. Because I'm a different person and my, life is different. But the fear of the unknown is a fear that lots of people experience, or the fear of death is something that a lot of people experience, Victoria: Mm-hmm. Danielle: or the anxiety of, whatever it might be. And so I feel like there's strength and healing in sharing those things, which I feel like is becoming a thing that more people are embracing. Which we've talked about in the past as far as like how generations, handle private matters or whatnot. Victoria: Mm-hmm. Danielle: fear is one of those things. Do you feel like you know that you're feeling fear when you're feeling it, or is it when you're like thinking about it later that you're like, I was scared and that's why I didn't do that or Victoria: Yeah, because for many, many years, even when I was pregnant with Terrence who was thirty six, so that's quite a while ago, I started having fears. And I think you know, I don't know the science behind it or if there is any science behind it, but I remember when Terrence was younger he was afraid of things. more so than you were. And Danielle: Mm-hmm. Victoria: I think that I might have transferred that to him while he was in utero I don't know. that's my Danielle: Mm-hmm, mm. Victoria: take on it. but It kinda's just been a constant companion. Now that Danielle: Mm. Victoria: I think about it, fear has been my constant companion. And I don't even just now at sixty six I'm just now Danielle: Yeah, we don't gotta throw everybody under the bus with our ages, but Victoria: But now I realize and that is so my gosh, just thinking about it, that's crazy, that fear was my co has been my constant companion. Danielle: Mm. since it's always there, it's not like you're noticing, okay, I'm starting to feel afraid. It's just kind of naturally there. That undertone of fear. Victoria: I would say so. And it's I Danielle: Yeah. Victoria: I've become so used to it that Sometimes I s I can still do a thing afraid, but it's like I Danielle: Yeah. And you don't Victoria: like I have to consult with fear, sort of kinda. have to Danielle: Mm. Victoria: consult with the fears this fear and I don't even question if the fear is real. I more so question should I do it? it's real or not. This fear Danielle: Mm. Victoria: causes me to ask, shall I do this? Shall I participate in this? Shall I say this? Danielle: Yeah. I feel like some of that fear is probably for our benefit, right? Like there is Victoria: Yeah. Danielle: some fear that's healthy and it can help protect us. Like the fear of being socially outcast is probably a a good fear when you're thinking about doing something crazy like I don't know, running down the hall naked. You know, like Victoria: Mm. Danielle: there are there there is fear that keeps us safe, I think. where fear can alert us to danger and, can be a way to protect us. Victoria: Right. so I just looked up the definition of the word companion and it says one that accompanies another. So fear accompanies me. And it's Danielle: Yeah. Victoria: just become so normal. my fear is chronic because Danielle: Mm. Victoria: it it repeats itself over and over again. It Danielle: Yeah. Victoria: continues. And so that's really something that I that I need to confront. And just thinking about it, I'm getting excited. Just the thought of not having fear as my companion any longer. what if I lived without fear? What Danielle: Mm. Victoria: would that even look like? That sounds so foreign to me, but I think that's something that I should begin to process my life. without fear. Danielle: Mm. Yeah, that could definitely be freeing. And without fear being a constant companion, when you start to feel fear, you can give it a little bit more weight because you know it's just not always there in the background. But like, okay, I'm feeling fear. Is there actually something going on now? Like it's not Yeah, that could be good. Definitely good for you. Good for all of us really. To be able to live without fear. We'll live without fear being a constant companion. but like we don't want it to be completely without fear because some fear protects us. You need a healthy Victoria: Correct. Correct. Danielle: a healthy respect for things. Victoria: Yes. Danielle: I'm scared of heights and I call it a healthy respect of heights, I have a healthy respect of alligators in the water. You know, like those are healthy Victoria: Yeah, right. Absolutely. Absolutely. Danielle: and those are things that are gonna keep you safe. Not having any any fear at all probably isn't I mean, maybe could give you some really cool stories, but also you could like just wade into the water and get attacked by an alligator or something, but Victoria: Right, So I used to work for a company where I got off at 11.30 PM. And this night I decided to stop by Walmart to pick up a few items. And so I parked under a light because that's the advice that you're given. And I exited my car and as I got out of my car, this guy started walking over to me and he said, excuse me, ma'am. And I was afraid because I did not know what his intentions are. I thought it was weird that he was approaching a single woman in the parking lot at 1130 at night. And so I said very loudly, you are making me nervous back away from me. And he apologized and he backed away. And so I was afraid because I had no idea what his intentions were. I wasn't close to another car. He wasn't gonna drag me into her car, but I was afraid and I acted on that fear to protect myself. Danielle: Yeah, there's this podcast that I listen to and one of their taglines is F word politeness. Because sometimes you don't need to be polite when someone is making you uncomfortable. Sometimes you can just yell in the middle of a parking lot, You're making me uncomfortable. Ta please like take a step back. You don't even have to say please. I don't know if you guys Victoria: Right. Danielle: Like it's okay to just F politeness when you're feeling when you're feeling scared. But yeah, I Victoria: Yeah, go ballistic. Danielle: yeah, for sure. That was a good fear that potentially kept you safe. So Victoria: Yes, yes. Danielle: nice to have that healthy dose of fear for sure. Victoria: Yes, yes. I'm grateful that we are creatures that have been created to experience fear. Danielle: Mm. Victoria: Because it does, and it can, and it does keep us safe and keep us alive. Danielle: It's all about moderation, right? Like in with everything. yeah. there is that fear that can protect us, that helps us know when we're in danger, but also part of that fear has also kept me from doing things that I probably should have done a long time ago because I was scared and I didn't know if I was scared because I was gonna make a bad decision and it was my, you know, my the way that I was created letting me know that this isn't the decision for me. And so I've stayed in situations, specifically thinking work situations, where I've been scared to leave a camp because it's comfortable and it's a good thing. And like what happens when I leave? And then I stay for too long. And then when I finally leave, I'm like, why haven't I why did I stay for so long? This is so much better Victoria: move. Danielle: for my mental health or for whatever it is. And so Victoria: Right. Danielle: I think that there are some times that even the fear that can be a little bit healthy, like we don't want to just like willy-nilly up and quit our job. Like there's a healthy level of fear to be like, Okay, what do I need to make sure that I'm taken care of to take care of my responsibilities? But that same fear can can keep us from making changes, I think sometimes. Victoria: I think looking back on on you as an adult, I can't really say that I remember this as a child, not that it didn't happen, but I can't remember it. I seen you step away from a relationship because you wanted to help. And I don't know if that was because of a fear of being considered as someone who does not care. Danielle: yeah, for sure. I think I don't ever want to be even in some friendships, I don't want to be the the person who's a bad friend or the partner who was a bad partner or whatever and so yeah, I think that I also stayed in friendships and relationships for too long out of fear because I didn't want to be judged, a fear of being Victoria: Yeah. Danielle: seen as not being a good person really. Victoria: And that's, wow, that's telling because it kind of takes us to knowing who we are. You are a good person. You're kind, you're very kind. And anytime I tell anyone about my daughter, Danielle, I'll say, Danielle's not nice, but she's the kindest person that I know. Nice is people pleasing. And in my opinion, that's not you, but you're kind. And sometimes being kind is offering correction, correct information. And you you and I both can get into you need to, or you should. The unsolicited advice is kindness, Danielle: Yep. The unsolicited advice. It's kindness, y'all. It's kindness. Victoria: but yeah. So I noticed that, I noticed that about you. Danielle: Yeah. Not anymore. I'm over it. Victoria: Eheh You're done. Danielle: I got Yeah, no. No, not really. But I w sometimes I wish I wasn't. Victoria: You were right. Danielle: It's another a c a conversation for another day. Victoria: I'm too kind. Danielle: Well, maybe this will be another conversation that we have because sometimes I do feel like in my kindness I put myself out. And and I think that was kind of we talked a little bit about that with boundaries, but sometimes I do feel like in my being kind I'm I maybe it's people pleasing, but I am I do put myself out sometimes in order to be there for other people and And it can be exhausting, honestly. Victoria: I remember something that Mary Catherine, told you Danielle: Mm-hmm. Victoria: this and you happened to tell me and I thought, wow, that's so true. Sometimes strong women stay in a bad situation because they believe they can make the situation better. They're strong enough. to change this person, to handle it, yes. Danielle: To handle it. Yeah. Yeah. She says that happens a lot of times where strong women stay because they think that they're strong enough to handle it. They think that they can put up with it. And it's like it's not about being strong enough to you gotta take care of yourself and look out for yourself too. Yeah. Victoria: you think that's rooted in fear? Danielle: having been in relationships that were very unhealthy, Yeah, maybe some of it, 'cause you don't wanna be don't wanna be the person who abandoned my partner. I don't want I'm scared Victoria: Mm-hmm. Danielle: that this is a good thing that I'm just not being patient with or whatever. Victoria: gotcha, gotcha. As opposed can't, I don't want to spend time helping this person. You may be thinking this might be my person and I fear leaving this person because this person may really be my person. Okay. Danielle: But right. Am I just being impatient and this is my person and I'm just I just need to be there you know, you hear those things, not every relationship is a hundred and a hundred, sometimes it's eighty, twenty, sometimes you gotta support your per your person. But Victoria: Mm-hmm. Right. Danielle: I think the the fear is like is this serious enough for me to actually walk away or am I overreacting or am I, you know, those kinds of am I throwing this away for something that isn't normal in relationships or whatever the thoughts might be that come with that. Victoria: Mm-hmm. Okay. Good point. Good point. Danielle: Yeah. Yeah. Do you feel you've ever like over prepared or exhausted yourself out of fear unrelated to relationships, but just in general? Victoria: Overthink for sure. Overthink. Try to walk it out in my head. Try to think about it in my head. What if this? Then if this, then that. If that, then I can do this. If this, then I can do that. So maybe that kind of thing. because once again, fear is my constant companion. I don't see it as reacting to fear. I see it as making a way. for fear. That's crazy. Danielle: Like what? dri Like driving to a location Victoria: That's how I accommodate the fear. So I'm accommodating fear because how I think about it is taking that drive the day before. is eliminating the fear. A limit Danielle: Yeah. Victoria: that's... Danielle: Well, maybe, but then at what cost, right? What's the cost of that fear? Victoria: And there really is a cost financially, the gas, the anxiety that I feel as I take that first drive. But I don't want to feel that anxiety on the day that I actually have to be there. Danielle: Right, so now we just have anxiety when we go out there and when we go out there again. So now I have anxiety Victoria: Well, the first time... Danielle: the first time because it's the first time I've been out here and then the second time I have anxiety because I hope that the way that I went the first time is the way that I could go the second time. I hope that Nashville traffic Victoria: Wait a second. Danielle: allows me. Victoria: God, Nashville traffic. The second time alleviates the fear, alleviates the anxiety. Danielle: Yeah. Yeah. Victoria: But since fear is my constant companion, there's something else to fear. Is that light really green? okay, pay attention. look to the left, look to the right, look at the light. the light is green. So there's still all Danielle: Hm. Victoria: those fears. Danielle: Yeah. that's that sounds like general anxiety, honestly. Victoria: Even just think about it, it's my God, it's exhausting. Danielle: Yeah. Victoria: And so I need to, and probably a lot of things in my life, I need to put them in proper perspective. Expectations, I need to have expectations, but I need to not give it too much power. Danielle: Mm. Victoria: That's what it is. I'm giving fear Danielle: Yeah. Victoria: too much access to my life. Danielle: Yeah, fear is living in your head rent free. Victoria: Fear is living in my head rent-free. Fear is charging me rent to live in my Danielle: Yeah. Yeah, yeah, when you Victoria: head. Danielle: Yeah, yeah. Hmm, that kinda sounds like an internship I once did. Do you feel like Victoria: Yeah. Danielle: there's ever been a time where you have been able to truly see that your fear was protecting you from something that you were like really grateful that it protected you from? Victoria: sorta. I don't rely fully on dreams, but I do believe sometimes you can get a warning about something in a dream. Danielle: Agreed. Victoria: So I had applied for a job at an airline stationed in Miami, Florida. I and I got an interview. a flew down once. And then I was going back for a second interview. And a few nights before that second interview, had a dream that I was in a plane crash, it crashed on a hill and there was a fire. And I was standing away from the plane in my dream, of course, and I saw the plane on fire. So I canceled the interview because I was afraid that there was going to be a plane crash. and a few days after that, a plane going to Miami, it was the same airline. crashed into a river multiple people died. And I was glad that I was not on that plane. Danielle: Yeah, for sure. Victoria: because I was afraid I just thought no way I'm not gonna do that So yeah, I would say that that dream did protect me from something really bad Danielle: Right. I totally believe that it's possible for our dreams to share stuff with us about life and stuff. I totally believe yeah. Victoria: right. I've been investigating that a little bit more and sometimes I'll have a dream where I'm afraid of something and I'll look it up and it will give me information that explains to me exactly how I felt the days coming up to this dream. Anxiety, Danielle: Yeah. Victoria: fear, big decisions, fear of big decisions, it just comes out in my dreams. So although Danielle: Yeah. Victoria: I don't live my life by my dreams, am mindful of what's happening in my dreams. Danielle: Yeah. Yeah. Same. I've had dreams where When I go to look up what dream meanings, it's like it means that there's something in your life that is holding you back. And it's like when I'm thinking about should I leave this job? And it's like the fear of something new is on your mind and the snake that attacked you means that Victoria: Hahaha! Danielle: and then I'm just like, holy cow, this is perfect. And it could just be like really general, like you know how horoscopes are sometimes like Victoria: You Danielle: No matter what your situation, you're like, my gosh, this is speaking to me. But I have really felt like my dreams are like telling me something. So, right or wrong, I don't know. I believe it. yeah. Victoria: Right, right, right, right, exactly. Danielle: you were saying that you you think that you would pass down some fear to Terrence in utero Victoria: Yes. Danielle: do you feel like you were mindful of that when we were growing up and that you were trying to help us figure out how to manage our fear? Victoria: i didn't see you as being fearful. Danielle: Mm. Victoria: but Terrence's fears really kind of manifested in ways that we could see. I can remember one of our relatives sent us this video on the computer where they're talking about this war widow. You remember that? Danielle: Yeah. Mm-hmm. Victoria: had you look deep into the screen and then this witch comes on this, you know, why would you do that? You don't know who's dealing with fear. Danielle: Yeah. Victoria: You know, and that just he, my God, just thinking about it right now just breaks my heart because he went to run out of the room. And so he turned to run out of the room and then he turned back and came and jumped in my lap and hugged me so tight. But it scared Danielle: Mm. Victoria: the crap out of him. Danielle: Yeah. Victoria: And I just hugged him and I didn't try to say, it's okay. I just hugged him He was so afraid. And I Danielle: Yeah. Victoria: just, from that point, I just was like, people have no idea what other people are experiencing. And Danielle: Yeah. Victoria: you Danielle: I feel like there's more of a move to safety and fear being one of those things that like people want to be safe from. They don't want to we there's so much scary stuff going on in the world. Like why would we Victoria: Yeah. Danielle: wanna make our loved ones feel more afraid? Victoria: Well, very good point. Very Danielle: Yeah. Victoria: good point. And I think that has a lot to do with one of the other words that we've spoken of, expectation. We expect everybody to be like us and be OK Danielle: Yeah. Victoria: with whatever you're OK with. And that is not the case. Danielle: Yeah. And I think it's also important to realize that people experience fear differently. one person's might feel the fear, laugh it off and be fine. Victoria: living. Danielle: Some people might internalize that fear. I I wanna process my fear. I wanna understand why I'm afraid and what I'm afraid of and all that, but not everybody handles their fear that way. and Victoria: Thank Danielle: so in the same way that we don't know what people are going through I feel like sometimes people are afraid in the same situation and it would be unfair to just be like, you don't you're not responding to this the same way that I'm responding to this, so you know, you're fine and I'm scared or whatever. Like people Victoria: Mm-hmm. Danielle: I guess it just ties into that vulnerability of sharing when you're feeling afraid and not everybody handling the fear the same way. Not everybody wants to share when they're feeling afraid. But for some Victoria: That's what is. Danielle: people it does feel validating to know that other people are going through the same thing that they are and that they're scared of the same things that they are. I I mean, yeah, t the world is a scary it can be a scary place. Victoria: yeah, yeah. It can be a scary place. Yes. Danielle: Yeah. I feel like with the world being a scary place, you, parents, me, parent, have fears for our child. And so I feel like maybe sometimes the fears that we as parents have can manifest in our relationship with our kids. So it's funny 'cause Mira and I were talking the other day, or actually Victoria: That's it. Danielle: this was probably a year or so ago talking we had Victoria: Hahaha! Danielle: watched Tangled and Mother Gothel was talking about how she wanted to keep Rapunzel safe in her tower and she didn't want her to go out because she didn't want her to get hurt. Really, she had kidnapped her, right? But I was like, Mira, that's how I feel about you. I just don't want you to go out in the world. I want you to stay here and be safe forever. And Mira said, that would make you a bad parent. Victoria: Wow! Danielle: I was like, yes, and also a good parent because I care about you, but she was but she just the way that she was able to see that like this I mean, granted, Mother Gothel did kidnap Rapunzel, but in this conversation, she was able to see that like holding on to someone so tightly and not having letting them have their experiences out of fear is like not really a good way to have a relationship. Victoria: Yeah Danielle: And she was six or seven at this point. And so I feel like in that same vein sometimes parents want to hold on and keep kids safe and do you Victoria: Yeah. Danielle: feel that way? Like you you have fear and maybe that fear has turned in Victoria: my God, even now, Danielle: Yeah. Victoria: even now with you all being adults, I fear things for you. I'm praying for you guys, God take care of my kids, take care of my kids, take care of my kids daily, multiple times a day. Cause you're out in the world and I just can't protect you Like I did when you lived under my roof. of the scariest things was when you went to Texas and Terrence went South Carolina for those internships. It just was terrifying for me, but I knew. I had more of a peace. had a great peace because I believed it was where you all were supposed to be. But then when you got there and you got settled and every day, you weren't with me, sometimes those fears took over. Danielle: Yeah. Victoria: I mean, I know, and even the way it turned out for both of you right now, those times were definitely orchestrated in my opinion, to give you the experiences that you have now. not only your career, but just your life experience. And I think the same goes for Terrence. So things that you've learned there that I, your protector, could not have taught you, Danielle: Yeah. Victoria: could not have offered you. Danielle: It's funny that your fear for me is that I'm out in the world, you know? Fear, Victoria: Mm-hmm. Danielle: and but that's the same fear that I have for you. Victoria: Hahaha Danielle: my god, she's gonna get scammed. Victoria: God. Danielle: She's gonna click on a link and get her computer hacked. She's out here living in the world all by herself. she? It's funny, I Victoria: yeah. Danielle: guess. My my my how the tables have turned. I'm like, do Victoria: So did... Danielle: not buy that. Do not spend your money. Don't answer the door for strangers. Don't believe everything you read on the internet. Victoria: Yeah, you have had to school me and a lot of that. bought a book off Facebook Marketplace it was a porch pickup and I went to the woman's house and I put the money under the mat and I took the book and I was recording me putting the money under the mat. But what came up was when I was walking back to the car, phone was facing down and I, I was recording her grass as I was walking back to my car. And I looked at it and I couldn't find the one with me putting the money under the mat. And I sent her a text and I showed her the one with me walking back to the car. And I said, I thought this was a video of me putting the money under the porch. And she sent back, laugh, LOL, LOL, LOL. She must be about the same age. I said my kids would not be proud. I thought this was a video of me putting the money under the mat. The money is under the mat. So, but yeah. Danielle: That's funny. That is funny. Victoria: but yeah. my gosh. Danielle: Do you feel like you know what you need when you're afraid? Victoria: fear is a constant companion, it can't just be my buddy. I have to alleviate it. Danielle: Mm. Victoria: So I'm writing a book and I've been doing that for over 13 years. And the other night it dawned on me that this book dies with me. If I don't write it, no one will read it. No one will see it. No one will have any opinion of it because this is my story and I'm the only one who can write it. And when that thought ran through my head, this book is going to die with me. It really alleviated a lot of whatever it is that's causing me to procrastinate to complete it. That you are not capable became smaller. because I am the only one who is capable of doing Danielle: Hm. Yeah. Victoria: So, it was a very Danielle: So a good wake up call? That's what you need? Victoria: good wake up call. And so that caused me to understand there are other things that when I die, they end with me. And so, you know, I have to, I'm gonna have to evict fear. I can see that right now. Danielle: Yeah. Victoria: I have to evict fear. It's not serving Danielle: Yeah. Victoria: me at all. Danielle: There's a good song by Francesca Battistelli about fear. It's a good one. It's a good one to listen to. Victoria: Mm-hmm. Yes. Yes, you're right. I will listen to that again tonight, because when I heard it, I heard it maybe four years ago, and it blew my mind. Danielle: Yeah. it's a good one. so curious what everyone feels like they do when they're afraid and how are they able to decipher between A fear that's a healthy fear versus feeling a fear that's keeping you from doing something. I know for me I've anxiety and so sometimes my fear is unrealistic, unwarranted, but it still feels very real. So sometimes it's hard for me to tell the difference between anxiety fear and and protection fear, but also Victoria: Mmm. Danielle: Okay, so we have a house that we're trying to rent, trying to get all all the things done. I was over there, I'd been painting all day, I was really tired, I was trying to get home because I really wanted to spend the evening with my husband. And so I was rushing to get out the house and then I get all the way home and I'm like, I cannot remember. We had like one of those work lights that gets really, really hot. Victoria: Mmm. Mmm. Danielle: I could not remember if I turned it off. And I knew that in my hand when I was trying to walk out the door I had a r wet rag because My toxic trait is thinking that I don't need painters tape, so I just paint the base boards it and then wipe it up, you know? so I knew that I had a the wet rag in my hand and I had a plastic bag that I had been just like collecting little pieces of trash or whatever. And so I started having this fear that I'd left the light on and then as I was trying to walk out the door I didn't realize that I left the light on and I put the rag and the plastic bag just on the light. Victoria: Ohhhh Danielle: Would I do that? I don't even know. But this night I was convinced that that's what I had done. And on top of that, we're like working on getting our homeowner's insurance changed because the house is vacant, you know, the whole thing. And so Victoria: Mm-hmm. Danielle: I'm like, we're underinsured and the light is left on and the rag is sitting on the light and it's gonna catch the house on fire and we're underinsured Victoria: no. Danielle: And so but I and I knew that like I'd Victoria: God. Danielle: like Would I ever put a rag on a hot light and leave? No. if I would I know that a ra light was on? Yes, probably. but in my mind Victoria: That is. Danielle: I'm just like, no, I don't remember. And so we drove Victoria: Mmm. Danielle: half an hour to the old house at eight thirty at night and checked to Victoria: gosh. Danielle: make sure that I left the light on. So but you know what would have been crazy is if I got there and the light was left on and then I would have like, Yes, I'm so glad my fear let me know. But Victoria: No. Danielle: at the moment I couldn't tell that I don't know the difference. I d it all feels Victoria: Yeah. Danielle: so Real. I was like, I'm certain that I left that light on and the rag on the light. Victoria: Yes. Yes. Danielle: I I know for a fact that we're gonna pull up to the neighborhood and there's gonna be a blazing fire and it's gonna Victoria: Hahaha! Danielle: be our house. But yeah, so all that to say, Victoria: my gosh. Yeah, yeah. Danielle: well, how do you tell the difference? How do people tell the difference between valid fear? Or fear that is meant to protect you and fear that's just anxiety and based in whatever's going on in your brain. I don't know if there's a way to tell the difference, but I'm I would love to hear if you've given yourself some Victoria: Yes. Danielle: some coping mechanisms or some key tricks that you use, some hacks, some anxiety slash fear hacks, yes. Please share with us, you guys. Victoria: Yes. Share. Please share. Danielle: so on that note. Thank you guys for joining us. Thanks for being here. Victoria: Thank you. Thank you so much. Danielle: Thanks for being in our conversation about fear. Victoria: Yes. Danielle: please feel free to share our podcast with anybody who you think may like it. Don't forget to follow and review. And thanks for being here. Yeah. Yes. Okay, Victoria: Yes. Yes. Thank you so much for being with us. We really appreciate it. Thanks for cheering us on. Danielle: bye. Victoria: Bye.