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50 Shades of Shit with Zalak Raval · The Trauma Therapist

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Speaker 1: Welcome to the Trauma Therapists podcast. My name is gimickperson
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Speaker 1: I interview incredible people who've dedicated their lives to helping
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Speaker 1: those who've been impacted by trauma. A big thank you
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Speaker 1: to our sponsors and our guests who are supporting this show.
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Speaker 1: So five four, three, two and one, our folks, welcome
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Speaker 1: back to the podcast. Very excited to have as my
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Speaker 1: guest today. Jalac Raval Jalock welcome.
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Speaker 2: Thank you guys, all right, thanks much.
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Speaker 1: Jealocke is a senior associate practicing corporate securities law in
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Speaker 1: New York. She's an author and a tetch speaker. After
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Speaker 1: experiencing a period of personal and professional upheaval, she began
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Speaker 1: rebuilding her life through self awareness, gratitude, and meditation. In
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Speaker 1: twenty twenty four, she published her first book, Fifty Shades
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Speaker 1: of Shit How to un Learn and Rewire Our Unconscious,
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Speaker 1: which combines philosophy, practical tools, and memoir. Her work explorers
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Speaker 1: have unconscious beliefs and patterns shaped by past experiences, influence relationships, decisions,
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Speaker 1: and our sense of self. Archilack. Just a little bit
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Speaker 1: about you before we go in share with our listeners
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Speaker 1: where you're from. Originally and where you are currently.
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Speaker 2: Okay, So I'm originally from India.
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Speaker 3: I grew up in a small town called Mdabad and
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Speaker 3: then mostly grew up in Rajasthan, that after which is
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Speaker 3: a boarding school. And I moved to the US in
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Speaker 3: two thousand and seven for college and I've been here
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Speaker 3: ever since.
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Speaker 2: And I have not yet published the book.
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Speaker 3: It is a work in progress, so hoping to get
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Speaker 3: it published this year or the following year.
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Speaker 1: Okay, So let's start. You start, How does all this
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Speaker 1: begin for you?
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Speaker 2: Okay?
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Speaker 3: So all of this begins with the journey of making,
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Speaker 3: you know, of reaching that point of no return where
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Speaker 3: you just cannot associate with the identity that you have built.
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Speaker 3: You know that it's taken new years to build that identity.
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Speaker 3: But then you reach that breaking point. You know, the
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Speaker 3: soul does an artist sweep. It just comes in and
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Speaker 3: it starts dismantling the version of that of that self
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Speaker 3: that can no longer withstand the circumstances that.
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Speaker 2: You've built around or that you've go created.
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Speaker 3: And so I think this journey for me began in
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Speaker 3: twenty eighteen, where you know, on paper, I had graduated
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Speaker 3: law school. Things were going really well, but in my
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Speaker 3: personal life. I had realized that, you know, I was
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Speaker 3: in a situation for the last three years that parallel
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Speaker 3: the three years that I was in law school, which
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Speaker 3: just it's like you you reach a point whe it's like,
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Speaker 3: what are we doing?
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Speaker 2: You know? And who have I become in these last
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Speaker 2: three years?
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Speaker 3: You law school as it is, uh, turns you into
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Speaker 3: somebody completely different.
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Speaker 2: I think for that.
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Speaker 3: Matter, anyone pursuing a challenging career or a trajectory you
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Speaker 3: know that completely is on your path to change you
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Speaker 3: as a person in many ways. And with that comes
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Speaker 3: you know, a lot of a lot of resilience that
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Speaker 3: you have to build to overcome things that you're not
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Speaker 3: familiar with. And then when you kind of have those
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Speaker 3: tools and when you're building that confidence, right, chiluck.
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Speaker 1: Hold on, what was going on? Get specific? You're giving
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Speaker 1: me this broad structure of what was going on for you.
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Speaker 3: So, Okay, I had moved from India to gw in
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Speaker 3: DC where I was there for college, and then I
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Speaker 3: met somebody I was in a girls boarding school.
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Speaker 2: Remind you, you know, so.
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Speaker 3: The first person that I met, I said yes to
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Speaker 3: dating and it was a long distance relationship. And then
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Speaker 3: you know, over the course of I don't know, through college,
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Speaker 3: we would talk, we would hang out. But then you know,
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Speaker 3: I decided to move to Atlanta to be with him.
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Speaker 2: What I also was pursuing law school.
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Speaker 3: And that's what I realized that, you know, sometimes you
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Speaker 3: just have to be with somebody to know what it's
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Speaker 3: really like, right like where things can go, where what
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Speaker 3: is incompatible?
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Speaker 2: It wasn't really and that it.
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Speaker 3: Was defined as a relationship on paper, but there was nothing,
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Speaker 3: nothing about it that resembled that although we were friends,
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Speaker 3: and so I mistook our friendship. You know, I became
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Speaker 3: a little bit more lonely in that relationship than I was.
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Speaker 2: Outside of it.
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Speaker 3: You know, I had a lot of joy for life.
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Speaker 3: I had a lot of a priest siation for the
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Speaker 3: people in my life.
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Speaker 2: When I lived in DC, there was a chi that was.
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Speaker 3: You know, always full of ideas, full of excitement. You know,
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Speaker 3: it's the next best thing we can do or you know,
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Speaker 3: there was a lot of and it's that age, you know,
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Speaker 3: in your early twenties where you're just like you can
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Speaker 3: reach the sky and the moon, you know. And I
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Speaker 3: realized when I moved that a lot of that joy
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Speaker 3: dissipated a lot of that you know, sense of self
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Speaker 3: uh sort of sort of filtered away sort of speak,
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Speaker 3: you know. And and I was with somebody. I was
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Speaker 3: living in, uh, Sandy Springs, so it's a little further
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Speaker 3: ways from my law school, and it just I started
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Speaker 3: realizing that I was becoming a shell of a person.
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Speaker 3: I didn't have anyone to talk to, you know. The
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Speaker 3: person that I was with was a was continuing to
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Speaker 3: be long distance, right because he was rarely there, even
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Speaker 3: though I had moved to Lena to be with him,
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Speaker 3: and so I think even when he was there, there
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Speaker 3: was a there was a facade. I think we had
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Speaker 3: sort of both created facades and masks to be in
6:09
Speaker 3: the situation that we thought was ideally a really good
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Speaker 3: situation culturally, you know, in the society or like uh
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Speaker 3: and then we were friends, so we thought maybe that's.
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Speaker 2: You know, that's all that is to it.
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Speaker 3: But but you quickly realize that the facades fall off,
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Speaker 3: you know, when you can.
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Speaker 2: No longer play along Like I was in law school.
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Speaker 3: I needed to be with somebody that understood how hard
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Speaker 3: that was, not somebody that was like, oh, you have
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Speaker 3: to come to X y Z events and you know,
6:39
Speaker 3: we have a lot of events in our culture, right,
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Speaker 3: Like our weddings.
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Speaker 2: Go on for like seven days at a time. You know,
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Speaker 2: I don't know if you knew that. Uh so, I
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Speaker 2: don't know.
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Speaker 3: You quickly realize that, you know, as you grow and
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Speaker 3: become the person that you always you know, wanted to
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Speaker 3: be or aspire to be, it's not necessary that the
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Speaker 3: people that you've chosen to spend your life with are
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Speaker 3: also on that path, right. They could be on a
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Speaker 3: path where they're growing financially. For example, the person that
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Speaker 3: I was with, you know, at the time I moved
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Speaker 3: with him, there was nothing, you know, there was in fact,
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Speaker 3: there was bankruptcy. But then by it within three years
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Speaker 3: things turned around. You know, he was managing multiple hotels.
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Speaker 3: He had grown really, he had worked hard, he had
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Speaker 3: really believed in himself, put in a lot of work
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Speaker 3: and grown financially and you know, did that work and
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Speaker 3: and is successful in the worldly sense, right, But then
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Speaker 3: there was there was a sense of like, And it's
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Speaker 3: dynamics that play out, right, Like a lot of cultures,
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Speaker 3: it's not necessary that that you always get a say
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Speaker 3: or the respect that you know, or a sense of
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Speaker 3: like camaraderie that a true partnership entails. You know, there's
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Speaker 3: you know, as as a female, you're responsible for certain aspects,
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Speaker 3: and then as a male that person responsible for certain aspects.
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Speaker 2: And there's nothing wrong with that dynamic.
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Speaker 1: But or hang on, Jillock, hang on. I would just
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Speaker 1: want to interrupt you because I want to hear about
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Speaker 1: your specific story. Okay, don you're giving me these generalities
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Speaker 1: about culture. I want to hear your story. That's why
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Speaker 1: you're here. So you talked about moving to meet with
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Speaker 1: this guy, and you realize that you both had created
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Speaker 1: this facade. How did things unravel and what happened?
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Speaker 2: I think.
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Speaker 3: When you really want to walk towards the relationship, you
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Speaker 3: have emotions like anger, You have emotions like you have
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Speaker 3: needs that you go after. But when you give up
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Speaker 3: on something that doesn't work, you know, it's like you
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Speaker 3: can't class with just one hand.
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Speaker 2: You know, then you that there's a distance that gets created.
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Speaker 3: You don't care anymore, You don't want to keep on repeating.
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Speaker 1: The same Uh right, But what did you do? That's
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Speaker 1: what I'm trying to get at again. What happened with you?
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Speaker 1: What'd you do? Did you stay in the relationship or what.
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Speaker 3: No, No, I did not so I yeah, I had,
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Speaker 3: you know, in twenty eighteen is when I had a
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Speaker 3: big breakthrough. What I realized that for the last three
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Speaker 3: years I had gotten lonelier and Lonelier, I had turned
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Speaker 3: into somebody that you know, I didn't recognize.
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Speaker 2: I had become a shell of a person.
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Speaker 3: I didn't have the closed relationships that I had established
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Speaker 3: for myself in when I was living in a different city,
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Speaker 3: you know. And so I made a very tough choice
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Speaker 3: to uh dismantle that identity that like on paper seemed
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Speaker 3: to be like a successful relationship, et cetera. And I
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Speaker 3: decided to walk away from it when I was twenty seven,
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Speaker 3: when I had already sort of spent I want to
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Speaker 3: stay close to a decade, you know, in that sort
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Speaker 3: of long distance situation. And then I had friends at
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Speaker 3: the time who were married, who were having kids, you know,
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Speaker 3: who couldn't relate to my decision, who were afraid for me,
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Speaker 3: and who felt terror for me, and you know, there
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Speaker 3: were questions like what if you never find somebody else
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Speaker 3: at twenty seven?
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Speaker 1: You know, So let me interrupt for a second. So
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Speaker 1: you said you had moved when you decided to, as
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Speaker 1: you said, dismantle this identity. Where did you move? Did
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Speaker 1: you move, did you move back somewhere or what?
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Speaker 3: Yeah, So, for the first time in my life, at
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Speaker 3: twenty eighteen, at twenty seven years old, I decided to
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Speaker 3: move to an apartment by myself for the first time,
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Speaker 3: to live alone.
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Speaker 2: I never up until that point lived by myself.
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Speaker 1: Okay, where was that apartment?
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Speaker 2: It was in Atlanta, It was closer to Bust.
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Speaker 1: Okay, Atlanta. Were you still in law school at that
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Speaker 1: time or had you know?
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Speaker 3: I'd already graduated at that time, So I was then
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Speaker 3: I had. I had basically gotten out of the student mindset,
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Speaker 3: basically gotten out of the relationship, basically gotten out of
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Speaker 3: that entire dynamic all the people that are associated with
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Speaker 3: that relationship. Started to live alone for the first time
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Speaker 3: in my life by myself, and uh, and you know,
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Speaker 3: just begun a new completely.
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Speaker 2: I started work.
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Speaker 3: Actually also I had worked previously at a marketing firm,
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Speaker 3: but as an attorney. That was the first time that
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Speaker 3: you know, and end of twenty closer to the end
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Speaker 3: of twenty eighteen, and so there were a lot of
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Speaker 3: foosts that happened all at once. For me at that point,
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Speaker 3: and that was very difficult because keep in mind that
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Speaker 3: you know, I am coming from a different country. My
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Speaker 3: high school was in India, and then you know, in
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Speaker 3: DC I was in college. My law school friends at
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Speaker 3: the time had all sort of moved out since we
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Speaker 3: had all graduated, so nobody was you know, not a
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Speaker 3: lot of people were decided to stay back.
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Speaker 2: In Georgia as well.
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Speaker 3: So it was, Yeah, it was a time of upheaval,
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Speaker 3: of trying to sort of step into the new.
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Speaker 1: So how do you get to the point where you
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Speaker 1: decide to write this book? And obviously the title is
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Speaker 1: amazing fifty Shades of Shit? How do I learn and
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Speaker 1: rewire our unconscious? How does that come about?
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Speaker 2: So it comes up.
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Speaker 3: It comes about because I realized that up until that point,
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Speaker 3: I had been living a lie, like every single relationship
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Speaker 3: that I had held on to, you know, like when
12:47
Speaker 3: I moved here in two thousand and seven, and I
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Speaker 3: had really like held on to like the people that
12:54
Speaker 3: I grew up with in my boarding school. I had
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Speaker 3: really like made the effort to like make sure we
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Speaker 3: have and we stay in touch and we still try
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Speaker 3: to do trips together, and like putting so much effort
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Speaker 3: into maintaining relationships. You know that over the course of years,
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Speaker 3: because you know, at the end of the day, human beings,
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Speaker 3: we feel connection is what drives.
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Speaker 2: Us, right.
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Speaker 3: But what I realized is that a lot of those
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Speaker 3: connections and those relationships immediately dismantled the moment I decided
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Speaker 3: to say no to the person I was with at
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Speaker 3: the time. I said no to an identity and that
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Speaker 3: had a snowball effect. It was just like, this is
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Speaker 3: not the version I planned to be for the rest
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Speaker 3: of my life.
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Speaker 1: Splim pauses there for a second. That is a huge decision.
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Speaker 1: I mean as a young woman coming from a culture,
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Speaker 1: I'm guessing there's a huge pressure. I mean, you even
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Speaker 1: talked about it. How do you And my guess is
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Speaker 1: oftentimes people don't do that in your culture? Is that?
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Speaker 1: Is there truth to that?
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Speaker 2: There's a lot of truth to that.
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Speaker 3: You know, well, there's always a thing like oh US
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Speaker 3: is a country or there's a lot of divorces. But
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Speaker 3: it's like because people are learning things, they're moving things on,
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Speaker 3: they're learning.
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Speaker 2: You know, India is a country that's very proud of
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Speaker 2: not having divorces.
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Speaker 3: You know, you stay in like seventy year old relationship,
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Speaker 3: you're just really unhappy. And I don't believe in that
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Speaker 3: because I knew both sides of the coin. You know,
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Speaker 3: I've seen judgment on both sides and right, and I
14:34
Speaker 3: know that I am not the kind of person that
14:37
Speaker 3: could that could be in that situation, because I even
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Speaker 3: remember bringing this point up, you know, so example, we're
14:44
Speaker 3: having a fight and I'm.
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Speaker 2: Like we need to resolve this, or like you know,
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Speaker 2: what can I do? Or what should you do?
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Speaker 3: And then the person I was with at the times,
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Speaker 3: like you've seen our parents, like you just have to get.
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Speaker 2: Used to it, you know, you just just like putting
14:56
Speaker 2: things under the rug.
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Speaker 3: And you know not to say that, Like I admire
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Speaker 3: people who can you know, accept differences, be more accepting,
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Speaker 3: be more forgiving.
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Speaker 2: There's a lot to learn.
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Speaker 3: And process in that, right, But then there's also a limit,
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Speaker 3: Like are you in a situation where you are not
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Speaker 3: you have no joy, you know in your life, where
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Speaker 3: you're not able to really spread your wings, where you're
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Speaker 3: constantly worried, where you're constantly feeling anxiety, where you're constantly alone,
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Speaker 3: Because that's not the life that you're here to live.
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Speaker 3: And so if that's that's the place you've been in
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Speaker 3: for a long time and it's not changing and.
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Speaker 2: You've made an effort to change it.
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Speaker 1: Then you know, so how do you get to the
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Speaker 1: point walk me through it where you decide to write
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Speaker 1: this book?
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Speaker 3: So I decide to write this book in I think
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Speaker 3: back in twenty twenty nineteen, twenty eighteen, twenty nineteen, because
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Speaker 3: at that point I'm still processing a lot right my
15:59
Speaker 3: while as an identity shift that has occurred that has
16:02
Speaker 3: said that, Okay, look, this is not who you are,
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Speaker 3: this is not what you're you know, the external validation
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Speaker 3: is not what you're looking for. I went into a
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Speaker 3: mode of isolation, like I experienced so many public failures
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Speaker 3: that there was an instant like sense of compassion that
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Speaker 3: I had to create for myself in order to move on,
16:23
Speaker 3: because if I hadn't created that compassion, there wasn't a
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Speaker 3: way for me to move on. I would just fall
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Speaker 3: back into that pattern.
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Speaker 1: You know.
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Speaker 2: But here's the best part.
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Speaker 3: When you isolate yourself, you know from everything you've known,
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Speaker 3: everything you've been, and you decide to just create self
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Speaker 3: compassion and have that moment of like, I think things
16:46
Speaker 3: are really really bad, but it's okay.
16:48
Speaker 2: We're learning.
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Speaker 3: When you decide to sort of like switch and rewire
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Speaker 3: that portion, when you can show kindness to yourself, everything
16:57
Speaker 3: changes because at that point you're not looking for validation.
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Speaker 3: I think compassion or self compassion is an antidote to
17:06
Speaker 3: external validation because if you can just be understanding of
17:10
Speaker 3: your shortcomings, and if you can just accept that you're
17:13
Speaker 3: in a lot of shit that you have created, and
17:16
Speaker 3: if you can take responsibility for you know, all the
17:21
Speaker 3: shit that you have created up until that point, then
17:24
Speaker 3: you can turn it around. Right Because nobody because you're
17:27
Speaker 3: the only one that has the blueprint of like what
17:30
Speaker 3: brings you joy? You know, what makes you happy, what
17:32
Speaker 3: makes you smile? You know what ignites the passion in you?
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Speaker 1: So, did you have friends around you or anyone around
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Speaker 1: you who was saying, jelacke, you're not why are you?
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Speaker 1: What are you doing?
17:47
Speaker 2: Yeah?
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Speaker 3: So, like my one of my closest friends, who I
17:54
Speaker 3: actually didn't let go off until maybe twenty nineteen, twenty twenty,
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Speaker 3: you know, her first reaction was like, you know, you're
18:07
Speaker 3: already twenty seven years old and she was having you know, children,
18:11
Speaker 3: et cetera. And it's like, you know, how and how
18:14
Speaker 3: are you gonna date if you're working, or you know,
18:16
Speaker 3: you have to study for the bar, Like, how is
18:18
Speaker 3: that going to happen? So I think they weren't able
18:22
Speaker 3: to understand the challenge that I was going through because
18:24
Speaker 3: they hadn't gone through it. They were in a very
18:26
Speaker 3: protective environment.
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Speaker 2: Right. You go from like your parents.
18:30
Speaker 3: Home, tell your husband's home. You don't have that opportunity
18:34
Speaker 3: to like just live on your own and sort of
18:37
Speaker 3: experience the life on your own and see if you know,
18:39
Speaker 3: if you're up for it, if you like it, if
18:42
Speaker 3: you enjoy it, or if you think it's it's not
18:44
Speaker 3: for you.
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Speaker 2: You know, I don't know. I think everyone's different.
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Speaker 3: Some people don't necessarily need to experience that to have
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Speaker 3: the compassion that I needed take experience to build that
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Speaker 3: within me, you know.
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Speaker 1: So let's let's get more specific about the book. What
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Speaker 1: did you want to say in the book?
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Speaker 2: One of the biggest things I talk about in this
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Speaker 2: book is that.
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Speaker 3: You know, until you make the invisible visible, or as
19:12
Speaker 3: Carl Hume puts it, he says it really well, until
19:14
Speaker 3: you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life
19:18
Speaker 3: and you will call it fae. So it's like we
19:20
Speaker 3: walk around, you know, preserving relationships that you know for
19:25
Speaker 3: years and decades, that don't bring us joy, that don't
19:29
Speaker 3: let us fly, that continue to keep us like staying small,
19:34
Speaker 3: you know, that continue to sort of like cater to
19:37
Speaker 3: our fears. Right, and so until we sort of take
19:42
Speaker 3: those fears, we grab onto them and say, Okay, this
19:46
Speaker 3: is the control in me, right, this is the reason
19:48
Speaker 3: I'm not able to say no even though I don't
19:51
Speaker 3: want to do this, I don't want to see this person.
19:54
Speaker 3: I'm not saying no because I'm afraid XYZ will happen.
19:57
Speaker 3: And then you just have to sit with it and
19:59
Speaker 3: be like, Okay, what happens if.
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Speaker 2: X y Z happens? Can I deal with that?
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Speaker 3: You know?
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Speaker 1: I do?
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Speaker 2: I care about all of that, Like is it what?
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Speaker 1: So this is easier said than done, of course, right,
20:18
Speaker 1: I just want to take a little side step here.
20:21
Speaker 1: I'll do a little sidebar. When you after you'd moved
20:29
Speaker 1: to be with that guy and you realize what the
20:32
Speaker 1: heck is going on here?
20:33
Speaker 2: Yeah?
20:37
Speaker 1: How long did it take you from the point when
20:40
Speaker 1: you moved to the point when you realized this is
20:42
Speaker 1: what have I done to jump ship in a sense
20:46
Speaker 1: or to make the correct course.
20:48
Speaker 2: Yeah, thank you for asking that. I knew immediately.
20:52
Speaker 1: I know immediately.
20:53
Speaker 3: I knew immediately by do anything, because you know, I
20:57
Speaker 3: am intuitive. I grew up in an environment and where
21:00
Speaker 3: there was a lot of like bullying and neglect and
21:03
Speaker 3: all of that.
21:03
Speaker 2: So I did grew up with a lot.
21:05
Speaker 3: Of intuition, but I didn't necessarily always trust that intuition.
21:10
Speaker 3: I didn't always trust that belief because you know, I
21:12
Speaker 3: always had an ant comeby that said, oh, he just
21:15
Speaker 3: hit you on the face, that's nothing. My brother like
21:18
Speaker 3: threw this big thing at me when I was young.
21:20
Speaker 3: You know, there's so much like gaslighting and like, oh,
21:24
Speaker 3: like you haven't experienced, you know, blah blah.
21:26
Speaker 2: So essentially, what I'm trying to say is like I
21:28
Speaker 2: didn't trust it.
21:32
Speaker 3: Until a lot later, you know, and then I started
21:35
Speaker 3: trusting my voice, and I started trusting my intuition to
21:39
Speaker 3: guide me, because it was always there.
21:41
Speaker 2: It was always present, you.
21:43
Speaker 3: Know, the red flags as we call it, right, red flags,
21:46
Speaker 3: green flags. Right, we all have both. And and the
21:51
Speaker 3: thing is, it's not so much about realizing that we
21:56
Speaker 3: were not compatible as much as also realizing that I
21:59
Speaker 3: had a lot of you know, work to do myself,
22:01
Speaker 3: you know, because if I didn't do that, I would
22:04
Speaker 3: just attract the same circumstance again and again and again.
22:07
Speaker 2: That was the repeating pattern. You know.
22:10
Speaker 1: Did you seek out any kind of therapy as you
22:13
Speaker 1: were deciding.
22:14
Speaker 3: This, Yeah, I definitely had people that I reached out
22:19
Speaker 3: to for help.
22:21
Speaker 2: I had.
22:21
Speaker 3: I meditated, I downloaded headspace, I reached out to like.
22:27
Speaker 3: I delved into the realm of spirituality and energy healing.
22:31
Speaker 1: You know.
22:31
Speaker 2: I made sure that I was getting exercise, I was
22:34
Speaker 2: moving my body so I felt good. I had the
22:36
Speaker 2: right hormones. You know, I joined orange theory. I'm sleeping
22:40
Speaker 2: on time or eating on time.
22:42
Speaker 1: There's a lot of things doing all the right things.
22:45
Speaker 3: Doing and if I hadn't done all those things, I
22:48
Speaker 3: wouldn't be here today.
22:50
Speaker 1: Right. So yeah, so you get to the point and
22:54
Speaker 1: you want to write this book. You talked about the
22:56
Speaker 1: importance of making the invisible. Who did you want to
23:05
Speaker 1: speak to? In the sense who's the book for?
23:09
Speaker 3: So this book is for you know, you can be
23:12
Speaker 3: in the situation I was in in my twenties throughout
23:15
Speaker 3: your life.
23:16
Speaker 2: Okay, So this.
23:17
Speaker 3: Book isn't just for people that are teenagers that are
23:21
Speaker 3: just entering this phase of like building relationships, or in
23:25
Speaker 3: your twenties or thirties, it's for it's for women.
23:28
Speaker 2: I would say.
23:29
Speaker 3: Anyway, from like teen years up until sixty, right, you
23:33
Speaker 3: can make this change or seventies, right, you can make
23:37
Speaker 3: this change that brings you happiness, brings you joy, helps
23:40
Speaker 3: you listen to yourself, trust your intuition.
23:44
Speaker 2: At any point in your life, you know, you don't
23:46
Speaker 2: have to wait to be a certain age. You don't
23:48
Speaker 2: have to wait.
23:49
Speaker 3: The only thing you have to do is become aware
23:51
Speaker 3: of what you're repeating, what is coming up in your
23:54
Speaker 3: life again and again and again. Like in college in
23:57
Speaker 3: GW one of my best friends, you know, as is
24:01
Speaker 3: what they would call, had a lot of like like
24:05
Speaker 3: what's the world? What's the what is a good way
24:08
Speaker 3: to say this? You know, when you're abandoned as a kid.
24:14
Speaker 2: And then.
24:16
Speaker 3: Yeah, like how you behave when you have been abandoned
24:18
Speaker 3: as a kid. And and that's a mirror. I didn't
24:22
Speaker 3: know it at the time, but she was my mirror,
24:24
Speaker 3: right because I thought in my head, I came from
24:27
Speaker 3: this good family, I had this great upbringing, but then
24:30
Speaker 3: reality there was a lot of neglect.
24:33
Speaker 2: You know, there was a lot very low self worth,
24:35
Speaker 2: there was very low.
24:36
Speaker 3: Self esteem, and you know there was Yeah, so I
24:41
Speaker 3: had people in my life that reflected back to me
24:44
Speaker 3: the beliefs I had about myself. You know, my friendships
24:48
Speaker 3: and my relationships didn't change until my relationship with myself changed. So,
24:53
Speaker 3: like I think people like you know, I'm sitting here
24:56
Speaker 3: talking to you right now, But people and expediences are
25:01
Speaker 3: a direct reflection of who we are and where we're
25:04
Speaker 3: at in our stage of like expansion of our consciousness.
25:08
Speaker 2: Right.
25:09
Speaker 3: So that's a good example, and sorry to segue out
25:12
Speaker 3: of it, but anyone who is in our lives is
25:16
Speaker 3: always showing back to us where we're at.
25:18
Speaker 2: You know, we can think that.
25:19
Speaker 3: All of this is really good and all as well,
25:22
Speaker 3: but in reality, if we're really good friends with somebody
25:25
Speaker 3: that has these issues in deep down, you know that
25:28
Speaker 3: it's probably a mirror reflection. You know, maybe we just
25:31
Speaker 3: haven't addressed them, or maybe we're just not conscious of them.
25:35
Speaker 3: So that's one way of finding out, you know, the unconscious,
25:38
Speaker 3: like who is around you?
25:39
Speaker 2: And and and what are they? What are they?
25:42
Speaker 1: Like talk about the title of the book.
25:47
Speaker 2: It's called Fifty Shades of shit, how to unlearn and
25:51
Speaker 2: rewire the unconscious?
25:53
Speaker 1: Now? How did you settle on that? But besides, it's
25:58
Speaker 1: sounding like a great sounding title. Great title, Why that
26:03
Speaker 1: title because it obviously has some implication what we think
26:07
Speaker 1: of the movie, which has very strong kind of implication. Yeah.
26:13
Speaker 3: So I think it came to me during one of
26:16
Speaker 3: my meditations. It was like a download of sorts that
26:19
Speaker 3: made me smile, that made me laugh.
26:21
Speaker 2: And it holds to.
26:22
Speaker 3: Be very true for me because you know, up until
26:26
Speaker 3: twenty seven years of age, I had created fifty shades
26:28
Speaker 3: of shit.
26:29
Speaker 2: You know, I had created on so many levels.
26:34
Speaker 3: I was holding on to people, places, things that you know,
26:39
Speaker 3: just were completely unaligned with my joy and my peace,
26:45
Speaker 3: And that I think is the biggest indicator of you know,
26:51
Speaker 3: if you're not peaceful, if you're not joyful, if you're
26:54
Speaker 3: not happy, and if you're not if your emotions aren't
26:57
Speaker 3: like delved in those you know, in those brackets, and
27:01
Speaker 3: if your emotions are constantly body anxiety, you know, all
27:03
Speaker 3: of those other things, then you're going to keep attracting
27:06
Speaker 3: relationships and people who keep on helping you stay with
27:09
Speaker 3: those emotions, you know, Like I remember my mom growing
27:12
Speaker 3: up she So we come from I come from a
27:15
Speaker 3: political family background, So we would have people that like
27:18
Speaker 3: would come in the middle of the night and she
27:20
Speaker 3: would have to make tea for them in the middle
27:21
Speaker 3: of the night, like campaigners, you know, during election times.
27:24
Speaker 3: And I remember her just be having so much anxiety
27:28
Speaker 3: and she always lived in it, you know, and she
27:30
Speaker 3: didn't realize that like it latches onto you. You know,
27:34
Speaker 3: you have to be the one to let go of
27:36
Speaker 3: it and prioritize peace, otherwise that emotion is going to
27:40
Speaker 3: keep feeding off of your energy. Like the one of
27:42
Speaker 3: the things I want to talk about in this book
27:44
Speaker 3: is attention, right, Like, whatever your attention is, you're energizing that.
27:48
Speaker 2: Right.
27:49
Speaker 3: Rather that attention is on something that is creating anxiety,
27:52
Speaker 3: rather that attention is on something that's creating joy, You're
27:55
Speaker 3: energizing that.
27:56
Speaker 2: So whatever you focus on really does expand.
27:59
Speaker 3: Going back to it, including if your focus is on shit,
28:02
Speaker 3: you're creating more of that in your life, you know.
28:04
Speaker 1: So so I obviously read in the bio that you're
28:10
Speaker 1: practicing law, but this what you're talking about here, how
28:14
Speaker 1: are you incorporating this into the work you do it?
28:20
Speaker 1: It feels like a different branch of work life what Yes, No.
28:27
Speaker 2: I would say the one thing that both requires a lot.
28:31
Speaker 3: Of clarity, making sure that you know the work on
28:36
Speaker 3: both fronts is very clear. What I aim to do
28:38
Speaker 3: is bring a lot of clarity rather that is in
28:42
Speaker 3: psychological aspects of my life or securities work. But no,
28:47
Speaker 3: this is this is I'm not an authority on you know,
28:50
Speaker 3: I'm not a psychologist, I'm not a neuroscientist. My authority
28:56
Speaker 3: for this topic comes from my lived experience. And you
29:00
Speaker 3: know what I have done to sort of disengage from
29:05
Speaker 3: the person I used to be and the person I've become,
29:09
Speaker 3: and what I have done to create a sense of like.
29:14
Speaker 2: You know, a higher sense of self worth or a higher.
29:16
Speaker 3: Sense of self esteem, and just create more compassion and
29:20
Speaker 3: kindness and all of these things that go a long
29:23
Speaker 3: way towards even the career that I'm having today. Right Like,
29:26
Speaker 3: I wouldn't be in a position that I am today
29:30
Speaker 3: if I didn't build.
29:31
Speaker 2: Those, build those within myself.
29:35
Speaker 3: Because I think even opportunities don't come to you if
29:38
Speaker 3: you don't think you don't deserve them.
29:40
Speaker 2: You know, you have to.
29:41
Speaker 1: I think your story is very powerful. I think it's
29:48
Speaker 1: especially I mean, you're a woman of a particular culture
29:53
Speaker 1: where again helped me out here. But again my guess
29:59
Speaker 1: is many women from your culture don't do what you've done.
30:04
Speaker 1: Mm hmm is that correct?
30:08
Speaker 3: You know what things are changing now, and I'm I'm
30:12
Speaker 3: hopeful that you know people who are just extremely unhappy
30:15
Speaker 3: in the relationships for a long period of time, you know,
30:20
Speaker 3: such as a decade or close to it, really do
30:23
Speaker 3: make a difference and do do something about it.
30:26
Speaker 1: I sorry to interrupt it. It's not even it's not
30:28
Speaker 1: even just your culture, it's our Western culture as well.
30:33
Speaker 1: But I mean, how how is it? How is your
30:38
Speaker 1: story resonating back in India? Is that a loaded question?
30:47
Speaker 1: Can you answer that? Yes?
30:49
Speaker 3: I guess we'll find out when the book is established,
30:53
Speaker 3: We'll see, we'll see how it resonates with people. I
30:56
Speaker 3: hope it makes people laugh, right, because part of this
30:58
Speaker 3: work already dealing with our shadow. Right, we're pointing the
31:01
Speaker 3: finger back at ourselves, and that's hard as it is, right,
31:05
Speaker 3: So part of this is a lot of like doing
31:07
Speaker 3: the inner work, so you don't keep attracting the same things.
31:11
Speaker 3: And we'll see how people resonate and and sort of
31:15
Speaker 3: apply because because I think if we don't make the
31:18
Speaker 3: unconscious conscious, we continue to live in that culture that
31:22
Speaker 3: we're in or that belief system that we're in, right,
31:25
Speaker 3: because we view the world, we perceive reality through the
31:29
Speaker 3: lens that we're born with, with the cultures, the beliefs
31:31
Speaker 3: that be in rain right, and so and so if
31:35
Speaker 3: my belief I'll give you an example.
31:37
Speaker 2: So if my belief is that I am not.
31:39
Speaker 3: Good enough until I'm with X, Y Z or you know,
31:44
Speaker 3: then that's what's going to get reflected again and again
31:47
Speaker 3: and again, you know, and you'll meet people that help
31:50
Speaker 3: you hold on to that belief. You know.
31:52
Speaker 2: It's like that red car theory. You spotted red car,
31:55
Speaker 2: You spot it everywhere.
31:56
Speaker 3: You know, because that brain is very good at, like
31:59
Speaker 3: the particular activating system is really good at like accessing
32:02
Speaker 3: and filtering that with matches with what's already inside. And
32:07
Speaker 3: so if there's a lot of shit inside, there's gonna
32:10
Speaker 3: be a lot of shit on the outside. You know.
32:13
Speaker 3: Sorry to keep bringing back to that, but that's that's
32:17
Speaker 3: essentially what this is. We have to clear the trash
32:21
Speaker 3: that's like ingrained from childhood beliefs or culture or you know,
32:26
Speaker 3: experiences that we've had, learned to be kind to ourselves,
32:30
Speaker 3: learn to create compassion for ourselves, become the blue You
32:34
Speaker 3: follow the blueprint that we already have, right because otherwise
32:37
Speaker 3: if we can, if you're looking for approval and validation,
32:41
Speaker 3: then that's gonna be the pattern that.
32:43
Speaker 2: Keeps repeating in your life.
32:44
Speaker 3: You're going to meet people that you know won't treat
32:47
Speaker 3: you right, won't respect you, because you're not doing that right.
32:50
Speaker 2: It all starts with you. Not to sound like you know,
32:53
Speaker 2: it really does start within and gets reflected out on
32:58
Speaker 2: the outside.
33:00
Speaker 1: All right, youa Locke, how do people learn more about you?
33:02
Speaker 1: What's the best way?
33:04
Speaker 2: The best way is my email.
33:07
Speaker 3: It's z A L A k R A V A
33:11
Speaker 3: l at gmail dot com. Please feel free to email
33:13
Speaker 3: me and I hopefully will have this book published towards
33:19
Speaker 3: the end of this year or early next year, so.
33:22
Speaker 2: Please read that.
33:23
Speaker 3: It will be available on Amazon and the bookstores.
33:29
Speaker 1: Yeah, okay, and we'll have all that linked up here
33:33
Speaker 1: at the show notes page at the Trauma Therapist podcast
33:37
Speaker 1: dot com. All right, you Locke, appreciate you, appreciate you
33:40
Speaker 1: sharing your story, and I love love the title of
33:45
Speaker 1: the book. Look forward to getting it published and helping
33:48
Speaker 1: you to.
33:48
Speaker 2: Get it out there. Thank you so much. I appreciate it.
33:50
Speaker 2: Thanks a lot, all right
33:52
Speaker 1: We'll be in touch to take care, Hie