Latest / Do You F*cking Mind? / 468. I suck at choosing the right partner, my mum is a negative drain and I’ve cut my friend out and do not miss her. (Headnoise)

Transcript

468. I suck at choosing the right partner, my mum is a negative drain and I’ve cut my friend out and do not miss her. (Headnoise) · Do You F*cking Mind?

0:15
Speaker 1: Hello, beautiful Booms, and welcome to the podcast episode of today.
0:20
Speaker 1: I'm actually just jumping in here before we get started
0:23
Speaker 1: on the topic of today's episode, to let you know,
0:25
Speaker 1: especially my Sydney beans, that I am doing a one
0:29
Speaker 1: off Sydney live show in February feb fourth. It's going
0:33
Speaker 1: to be unbelievable. It's going to be the best show yet.
0:36
Speaker 1: And I am apologizing because I left Sydney out of
0:40
Speaker 1: the Lost But Make It Look Intentional live show tour
0:43
Speaker 1: across Australia. It was unbelievable, but unfortunately I was not
0:46
Speaker 1: able to add Sydney on that tour list. But now
0:49
Speaker 1: we are coming back to Sydney with the Lost But
0:52
Speaker 1: Make It Look Intentional show, one last show off that tour,
0:55
Speaker 1: and it is going to be bigger and better than
0:58
Speaker 1: any other show I've ever done, so in Sydney or
1:00
Speaker 1: really anyway in the world, because I have had people
1:03
Speaker 1: come from New Zealand and Seattle by the way to
1:07
Speaker 1: my live shows from around the world love it so much.
1:09
Speaker 1: So if you live in Sydney or anywhere in the world,
1:11
Speaker 1: then head to dyfmpod dot com and click on the
1:15
Speaker 1: link for the live show tickets. And by yourself a
1:19
Speaker 1: live show ticket. It's going to be epic. We're going
1:21
Speaker 1: to have things going on before and after. There's VIP
1:24
Speaker 1: tickets as well that are available where we're doing a
1:26
Speaker 1: meet and great, we're doing drinks after, there's a whole
1:30
Speaker 1: it's all happening. So jump on the website get yourself
1:33
Speaker 1: a live show ticket. It's going to be on a
1:36
Speaker 1: Wednesday night, so maybe go have dinner, have drinks in
1:39
Speaker 1: the city and then come and change your life at
1:42
Speaker 1: the live show because I will. That's my aim to
1:44
Speaker 1: change your life anyway over and out. Love you guys
1:47
Speaker 1: so much. Let's get straight into the episode of Today.
1:52
Speaker 1: Since hello beautiful beans and welcome to the podcast episode
1:56
Speaker 1: of Today. So this is a Head Noise episode. It's
1:58
Speaker 1: the first Head Noise episode back since the summer break,
2:02
Speaker 1: the miniseries, Christmas New Year, all of that, and like
2:05
Speaker 1: I said, we are going to be doing two Head
2:06
Speaker 1: Noise episodes per week number one because you love it
2:09
Speaker 1: and it's all kind of I love the Head Noise
2:12
Speaker 1: episode because it allows me to give really random, different
2:15
Speaker 1: pieces of advice all within the one episode. So it
2:18
Speaker 1: reaches so many of you. What you know, one might
2:21
Speaker 1: just be an interesting thing that you hear, and another
2:23
Speaker 1: one might be like, oh my god, she's absolutely speaking
2:25
Speaker 1: to me. I can apply that to my life. And two,
2:27
Speaker 1: because I just get so many head Noise episodes sent
2:30
Speaker 1: to me that I would really like to answer as
2:33
Speaker 1: many of your questions as I possibly can. And I
2:37
Speaker 1: really love when people write to me saying you answered
2:39
Speaker 1: my question. I really loved that you answered my question,
2:41
Speaker 1: that you know, I didn't expect it to be on
2:43
Speaker 1: that episode and whatever, so it's really really cool for
2:46
Speaker 1: those reasons. Anyway, we are doing an email head noise episode,
2:52
Speaker 1: so if you're new to the podcast as a podcast bean,
2:55
Speaker 1: we've got two kinds of head noise episodes. Number one
2:57
Speaker 1: is where you can email in your questions info at
2:59
Speaker 1: dear wifempod dot com. I endeavored to get through as
3:02
Speaker 1: many as possible. And the other way you can send
3:04
Speaker 1: it is through a ninety second voice note, and you
3:07
Speaker 1: do that through the website ww dot de wifempod dot com.
3:11
Speaker 1: You just go to the menu and it says like
3:12
Speaker 1: submit voice note and you just record it bang and
3:17
Speaker 1: it submits it straight away. So they're your two options.
3:19
Speaker 1: And of course I never say names it's always going
3:21
Speaker 1: to be anonymous. Some people have in the past sent
3:24
Speaker 1: a head noise question and then immediately been like, actually,
3:26
Speaker 1: I changed my mind. Please do not read this out.
3:28
Speaker 1: Of course, we won't read it out as long as
3:30
Speaker 1: you send that an email straight away. Some people are like, oh,
3:33
Speaker 1: like I read it back or I heard it back
3:35
Speaker 1: and it's just a dead give away of who I am,
3:37
Speaker 1: and I don't want it read out. So that's another option.
3:39
Speaker 1: But we never do say names. Anyway, Let's get straight
3:42
Speaker 1: into it. I'm gonna aim to get through three, maybe
3:44
Speaker 1: four questions. Okay, let's do it number one. It's called
3:52
Speaker 1: also the better that like, if you have a banging title,
3:55
Speaker 1: the better. I love a good title. So this is
3:57
Speaker 1: I don't miss her, but I feel bad you're Alexis
4:01
Speaker 1: love the pod and I would love your advice on
4:03
Speaker 1: something I'm sitting with. I have a coworker I clicked with,
4:05
Speaker 1: and after I changed jobs, we started hanging out as friends.
4:08
Speaker 1: At first, it was fun to have a new person
4:10
Speaker 1: to grab a drink with. Over time, though, I noticed
4:12
Speaker 1: small things like how she constantly cut me off when
4:15
Speaker 1: I tried to tell her a story. I'm not a
4:17
Speaker 1: long winded talker, so it was frustrating to not be
4:19
Speaker 1: able to finish a thought. I let it go because
4:22
Speaker 1: she showed up for me in other ways, especially when
4:24
Speaker 1: I had some health issues, which I genuinely appreciated. She
4:27
Speaker 1: had a lot of ups and downs, which I initially
4:29
Speaker 1: chalked up to bad luck. I've had long I've had
4:33
Speaker 1: long funks myself, so I didn't feel right judging. But
4:36
Speaker 1: the longer we were friends, the more I saw that
4:38
Speaker 1: much of the chaos came from her own choices, like
4:40
Speaker 1: being in financial trouble while still taking multiple vacations a year.
4:44
Speaker 1: She increasingly leaned on me to help fix or absorb
4:47
Speaker 1: the fallout. By then, I was already stretched thin in
4:50
Speaker 1: other areas of my life and it became exhausting. When
4:52
Speaker 1: I asked her for space, it was a relief not
4:55
Speaker 1: to be pulled into the drama. I think she assumed
4:58
Speaker 1: I was having a mental health but I kept telling
5:01
Speaker 1: her I was okay and just didn't have the bandwidth.
5:04
Speaker 1: It's been over a year with no contact. I don't
5:06
Speaker 1: think I actually miss her, but I feel guilty. She
5:09
Speaker 1: does have it rough and doesn't have many friends here,
5:11
Speaker 1: which gives me this sense of obligation at the same time,
5:14
Speaker 1: whether I think about reaching out. Whenever I think about
5:16
Speaker 1: reaching out, I get this visceral nope feeling. I can't
5:20
Speaker 1: tell if this guilt means I should reconnect or if
5:22
Speaker 1: it's my people pleasing tendencies at work, dunker the tired one.
5:27
Speaker 1: Oh babe, My advice to you would be just leave it.
5:29
Speaker 1: Just you're doing the right thing. Absolutely not. Okay, this
5:32
Speaker 1: is how I feel about friendships. There's many things. There's
5:35
Speaker 1: many things, but let's start firstly. I've spoken about this
5:40
Speaker 1: a thousand times, but there's many categories that you will
5:43
Speaker 1: categorize a friend in. There's inner circle friends there, you're
5:45
Speaker 1: right or die. They're the people that you would absolutely
5:47
Speaker 1: go beyond out if you're way for, and they would reciprocate.
5:50
Speaker 1: They're the people that you can hold to a high standard,
5:52
Speaker 1: that you can have expectations for because they always meet
5:56
Speaker 1: those expectations and they have set a standard and you
5:58
Speaker 1: mutually set that stand. Okay, they are you know, morally aligned.
6:03
Speaker 1: You know you can keep a secret. You know they're
6:05
Speaker 1: never going to spread something. You know that all the
6:08
Speaker 1: abuffs Okay, I don't need to say. We all know
6:10
Speaker 1: what an inner circle friend looks like. Then you've got
6:13
Speaker 1: your old times sake friends, people that you've had a
6:15
Speaker 1: really beautiful history with and that when you meet up
6:17
Speaker 1: you're probably just catching up about the past. But it's
6:20
Speaker 1: a beautiful friendship and they're not really that close anymore,
6:24
Speaker 1: but it still adds some value and beauty to your life.
6:27
Speaker 1: Then you've got other friends, which are good times friends.
6:29
Speaker 1: You can't rely on them as far as you can
6:31
Speaker 1: throw them, but when you go out, you are having
6:33
Speaker 1: a fucking ball. It's very present in the moment. You're
6:36
Speaker 1: not really leaning on them, you're not really requesting anything
6:39
Speaker 1: from them, and they're not doing the same in return.
6:43
Speaker 1: But they're like, it's spontaneous. Whenever we go out, we're
6:46
Speaker 1: in tears of love to the whole time. They're like
6:48
Speaker 1: good times friends, and inner circle friends can also be that.
6:51
Speaker 1: But there are some people that are only good times friends.
6:54
Speaker 1: So then there's acquaintances. There's people that you're like, I am,
6:58
Speaker 1: I have no issue hanging out with you in a group,
7:00
Speaker 1: but I'd never hang out with you one on one,
7:02
Speaker 1: not necessarily because I dislike traits about you, but we
7:05
Speaker 1: just don't vibe enough that I don't think that we
7:07
Speaker 1: would have enough to make me feel like I really
7:10
Speaker 1: want to see you one on one. But in a
7:11
Speaker 1: group setting it kind of works. So as an acquaintance
7:14
Speaker 1: it works. And so there's all these different categories of friends.
7:17
Speaker 1: So you've got to decide does this person fit into
7:19
Speaker 1: any of these categories, because if they don't fit in
7:22
Speaker 1: any of them, then it's probably a friendship that has
7:25
Speaker 1: run its course. And it is perfectly okay for a
7:28
Speaker 1: friendship to run its course. You cannot be made to
7:31
Speaker 1: feel responsible for an adult, Okay. It is different if
7:36
Speaker 1: you have a friend who you get a lot of
7:39
Speaker 1: value out of the friendship, and you provide value to
7:43
Speaker 1: that friendship, and you feel a little bit bad because
7:45
Speaker 1: you think I am their only friend. I love them
7:48
Speaker 1: so much. Maybe I'm going to help them make friends.
7:49
Speaker 1: Maybe this may be that. But if you right now
7:52
Speaker 1: feel bad when you get zero out of this friendship,
7:55
Speaker 1: it's been a year. You don't miss this person, which
7:57
Speaker 1: means that you get zero out of this friendship. If
7:59
Speaker 1: you missed her, you would be a different story. You
8:03
Speaker 1: can't go around being responsible for other adults. Unfortunately, you
8:05
Speaker 1: simply cannot. What you can do is for example, I
8:09
Speaker 1: always think, you know, if I always want to make
8:11
Speaker 1: it out make people realize that if they ever really
8:16
Speaker 1: needed me, if they were like high and dry, if
8:20
Speaker 1: they were in like a desperate situation or whatever, and
8:22
Speaker 1: they needed me, no matter how much time has passed,
8:24
Speaker 1: they would always be able to reach out to me.
8:26
Speaker 1: I don't like, unless they're an absolute asshole and the
8:29
Speaker 1: bridge has been burnt, burnt, dead, dead in the fucking water.
8:33
Speaker 1: I always want people to feel that, even if time
8:35
Speaker 1: has passed, even if you know, they could always ultimately
8:38
Speaker 1: reach out to me if they really needed my help, Okay,
8:41
Speaker 1: and I would be willing to help, just like I
8:42
Speaker 1: would be willing to help an absolute stranger who's in
8:44
Speaker 1: desperate need. Okay, So as long as you feel like, look,
8:48
Speaker 1: if this person was desperate, they don't think that I
8:51
Speaker 1: you know, I've not been horrible to them. I've not
8:54
Speaker 1: said anything awful. I've not said I don't want to
8:56
Speaker 1: be a friend anymore. I don't whatever. If they really
8:58
Speaker 1: really really needed to reach out to me, they could.
9:01
Speaker 1: But really, as it stands, a friendship is not something
9:05
Speaker 1: I want to entertain. I'm not interested. Also, you've got
9:08
Speaker 1: to think about that whole thing of you know, you
9:10
Speaker 1: are the sum of the top five, like the top
9:13
Speaker 1: five people that you spend the most time with. There
9:15
Speaker 1: is a lot of truth behind that. If you hang
9:17
Speaker 1: around with people that are always draining you, that don't
9:20
Speaker 1: treat you the way that you wish you were treated,
9:22
Speaker 1: or don't treat you the way that you treat them
9:24
Speaker 1: with a certain level of respect with you know, valuing
9:27
Speaker 1: your time, valuing your stories, valuing what you have to
9:29
Speaker 1: say as much as they value what they themselves have
9:31
Speaker 1: to say. If you hang out with people like that,
9:34
Speaker 1: then it's going to start to roade you. You're going
9:37
Speaker 1: to start to feel a little bit, you know, flatter
9:40
Speaker 1: when you leave them a little bit less than a
9:42
Speaker 1: little bit. You know, it's going to you know, cove
9:43
Speaker 1: away at your confidence or at the very least, even
9:46
Speaker 1: if you're like, I'm still really confident after I hung
9:48
Speaker 1: out with it personal, at the very least, they are
9:50
Speaker 1: going to be an emotional drain. Okay, so you really
9:53
Speaker 1: have to start asking yourself what kind of friendship is this?
9:55
Speaker 1: And ah, my friend live was telling me about this
9:59
Speaker 1: and I don't know where she it, but it's this
10:00
Speaker 1: idea of a couch friend or a treadmill friend. A
10:03
Speaker 1: treadmill friend is after you hang out with someone you
10:06
Speaker 1: feel like, oh my god, I could run on a treadmill.
10:07
Speaker 1: I just feel so good. I feel energize. This person
10:10
Speaker 1: adds energy and value into my life. And a couch
10:12
Speaker 1: friend is after you hang out with that person, all
10:14
Speaker 1: I can do is collapse in a couch and no
10:16
Speaker 1: one fucking talk to me. I'm drained. Okay, So you
10:18
Speaker 1: got to ask yourself, really, what am I getting out
10:21
Speaker 1: of this? And not to be selfish, because always, as
10:24
Speaker 1: I always tell you guys, always ask yourself if the
10:27
Speaker 1: tables were turned, am I the good person? Or am
10:31
Speaker 1: I also the asshole? Or am I also contributing to this?
10:34
Speaker 1: You got to ask yourself, am I the person? Am
10:36
Speaker 1: I the couch friend? Or am I the treadmill friend?
10:38
Speaker 1: Am I a constant drain? Or do I also provide
10:42
Speaker 1: value to my friendship? So make sure it's reciprocal. Number one.
10:45
Speaker 1: Don't be It's not all about you, It's about it's
10:47
Speaker 1: a relationship. But it is fucking important that you ask
10:50
Speaker 1: yourself if I get absolutely nothing out of this friendship,
10:52
Speaker 1: even though I know for a fact I am giving
10:55
Speaker 1: in this friendship, then it's time to call it. It's
10:57
Speaker 1: been a year. It's been a fucking year. You've not
11:00
Speaker 1: this person. They are responsible to make their own relationships,
11:03
Speaker 1: to create relationships that last, and if they don't last,
11:06
Speaker 1: then they're responsible to start identifying the pattern of why
11:09
Speaker 1: their friendships aren't lasting. If this person has no friends,
11:12
Speaker 1: it's probably because they are behaving the way they did
11:15
Speaker 1: with you with absolutely everybody else, and unfortunately for them,
11:18
Speaker 1: it's not your problem and it's not your responsibility to fix. Okay,
11:22
Speaker 1: if there was a part of the friendship that you miss,
11:23
Speaker 1: of course you can reach out. Of course you can
11:25
Speaker 1: try and hang out, but you don't miss her. So
11:27
Speaker 1: I feel like, just keep doing what you're doing. You
11:29
Speaker 1: don't need to feel bad, because then what are you
11:31
Speaker 1: gonna do. You're gonna start feeling bad for every single
11:33
Speaker 1: person out there that you once had a relationship with
11:35
Speaker 1: that you you can't you can't harbor that much in
11:38
Speaker 1: you with your emotional bandwidth. There's only so much, and
11:41
Speaker 1: I feel like that energy has to go to the
11:44
Speaker 1: people that you know, you are closest to where there
11:47
Speaker 1: is that reciprocal relationship. Okay, sense sense sext question Okay,
11:59
Speaker 1: it says the subject is the band aid that's hanging
12:03
Speaker 1: on for dear life. Love this I can't. I'm just
12:07
Speaker 1: excited to read it anyway. Hi Alexis. First of all,
12:09
Speaker 1: I want to say I really love your podcast. Your
12:12
Speaker 1: content is so empowering and it's actually made me become
12:14
Speaker 1: a stronger person. I love how raw and honest you are.
12:16
Speaker 1: I remember the first episode I listened to truly resonated
12:19
Speaker 1: with me and it got me hooked from there. Thank you.
12:22
Speaker 1: And I just wanted to add a quick side note,
12:23
Speaker 1: Please never stop saying the word can't, because I absolutely
12:27
Speaker 1: love it all right, noted, I shan't. The current dilemma
12:30
Speaker 1: I have is that I'm sort of stuck in this
12:32
Speaker 1: limbo whether to stay or leave my current relationship. Hence
12:35
Speaker 1: the band aid caption. We've been dating for nearly seven years.
12:38
Speaker 1: It's like the seven year inch. We have bought house together,
12:41
Speaker 1: we have two dogs together. I'm twenty eight years old,
12:44
Speaker 1: so most of our twenties have been spent together. I'm
12:48
Speaker 1: one hundred percent sure it's emotional manipulation slash abuse that
12:52
Speaker 1: I'm experiencing. I haven't felt like my emotional well being
12:56
Speaker 1: has been his priority. There is a lot to a
12:59
Speaker 1: lot to go into I but I know he puts
13:03
Speaker 1: his emotions first always. It's only when I hit a
13:06
Speaker 1: crisis point or when I distance myself and he's scared
13:09
Speaker 1: to lose me. He then apologizes and takes some accountability.
13:13
Speaker 1: Our relationship is good and we have such a good bond,
13:16
Speaker 1: but the same issues keep coming up. Nothing changes despite
13:19
Speaker 1: my attempts to put boundaries in place, and he won't
13:21
Speaker 1: apologize unless prompted or I have to explain my side
13:24
Speaker 1: multiple times. He's also extremely jealous slash insecure of male
13:30
Speaker 1: work colleagues. When I have done nothing to break his trust,
13:33
Speaker 1: which has been a major issue in our relationships, I
13:36
Speaker 1: have told him he needs to change his behavior or
13:38
Speaker 1: I am walking. I then waited around two months, and
13:40
Speaker 1: nothing really changes. In his head. He thinks he has
13:43
Speaker 1: improved and that he is trying his hardest. For the
13:46
Speaker 1: first time. I actually, for the first time, I have
13:49
Speaker 1: actually left him and gone to my parents for space.
13:52
Speaker 1: He has respected my space, but is still there to
13:55
Speaker 1: talk and wants to be with me. I guess the
13:57
Speaker 1: question I'm asking is do I give him another chance?
14:00
Speaker 1: Or am I just wasting my time? Because if I
14:02
Speaker 1: go back, I know I'm betraying myself, but if I leave,
14:06
Speaker 1: it will break me into pieces. I still love and
14:09
Speaker 1: care about him. How do I know if you will
14:11
Speaker 1: actually listen this time? Leaving him is also leaving the
14:14
Speaker 1: dogs and the house that I love. It's super uncomfortable
14:17
Speaker 1: that I just don't know if I can get through it.
14:19
Speaker 1: This is probably the hardest thing I've had to deal
14:21
Speaker 1: with in life. Any advice would be appreciated. Thank you
14:23
Speaker 1: so much. Okay, that's really fucking hard. You're in a
14:27
Speaker 1: very very, very very difficult position, and I know that
14:29
Speaker 1: there's a lot of listeners right now listening to this
14:32
Speaker 1: thinking I'm in like a similar situation where there's a
14:34
Speaker 1: lot to lose if I walk away. The first thing
14:37
Speaker 1: that I want to say, before we address the actual
14:39
Speaker 1: crux of the issue, the relationship thing that's going on
14:42
Speaker 1: with him directly, I want you to understand that with
14:46
Speaker 1: the house and with the dogs. The dogs, I wonder
14:49
Speaker 1: if you could share them. Can you do shared custody?
14:51
Speaker 1: Is there anything like that? But let's just whatever with
14:53
Speaker 1: the house and with the dogs, you have to ask yourself.
14:56
Speaker 1: This is something that's going to be really, really really
14:59
Speaker 1: difficult right now. The house, especially in the sense of
15:01
Speaker 1: like the financial thing, the separation, you know, the division
15:04
Speaker 1: of assets and all of that. The dogs. Maybe you
15:06
Speaker 1: could work something out. I'm not sure, so I don't
15:08
Speaker 1: want to speak about something that I don't know details off.
15:12
Speaker 1: But when it comes to the things outside of the relationship,
15:15
Speaker 1: these are things that eventually will get sorted out within
15:19
Speaker 1: a separation. As hard as it is, people do do
15:22
Speaker 1: it all the time. They have to face this. They
15:24
Speaker 1: have to face the difficulty of the division of assets
15:27
Speaker 1: or the selling of something, or you know, they have
15:29
Speaker 1: to face moving out of a place that they love.
15:31
Speaker 1: But because the alternative would be let's say you knew
15:36
Speaker 1: for a fact the relationship wasn't it, but you were
15:38
Speaker 1: staying because you've got these big anchors that are kind
15:41
Speaker 1: of weighing you down in this place. Because it's saying,
15:43
Speaker 1: you know, you still have so much about your life
15:45
Speaker 1: that you love, the dogs, the house that you love,
15:47
Speaker 1: and the place that you love to live, and these
15:48
Speaker 1: are anchors. They might seem positive, but they are holding
15:51
Speaker 1: you in a place that did they not exist, you
15:54
Speaker 1: might have walked away from the relationship. You've got to
15:56
Speaker 1: say these things that are here cannot as much as
16:00
Speaker 1: it feels like they are, they cannot influence my decision
16:03
Speaker 1: to know if this relationship independently is one that can
16:07
Speaker 1: succeed or not. I should know if this relationship can
16:10
Speaker 1: succeed regardless of the house and the dogs, because they
16:13
Speaker 1: are two separate things, even though the intertwined. They are
16:16
Speaker 1: two separate decisions. Okay, the house and the dogs. Also
16:19
Speaker 1: with time, once you were to sort it out, if
16:22
Speaker 1: the relationship wasn't going to work with time, over time,
16:25
Speaker 1: you would be like, as hard as that was, it
16:27
Speaker 1: was the right decision. The last thing you want is
16:29
Speaker 1: to stay because of the house and the dogs. And
16:32
Speaker 1: then five years down the line, you absolutely depleted emotionally.
16:35
Speaker 1: You know for a fact you should have walked away,
16:37
Speaker 1: But then you've got that sunk cost fallacy thinking I
16:39
Speaker 1: stayed because of the house and the dogs. But now
16:41
Speaker 1: I'm so resentful in this relationship, and I feel even
16:44
Speaker 1: more trapped because I've spent now twelve years in this
16:47
Speaker 1: situation and now i feel it's even harder to walk
16:49
Speaker 1: away because now I mean my thirties, and now do
16:51
Speaker 1: I think about having kids? And now this? And then
16:54
Speaker 1: you think, now I fucking have to stay because I've
16:56
Speaker 1: quote unquote wasted all this time that if I to
17:00
Speaker 1: walk away now, that time is then wasted. But if
17:02
Speaker 1: I stay, it doesn't really feel like a loss because
17:04
Speaker 1: I haven't kind of incurred the loss until I've called it.
17:08
Speaker 1: So I think that, if anything, you should look at
17:12
Speaker 1: this as these things help you make a more final decision,
17:16
Speaker 1: because you said there is a lot weighing on it.
17:18
Speaker 1: I can't be wasting my time in this life. I
17:20
Speaker 1: can't be fucking around if I am going to pull
17:22
Speaker 1: the pin. There is no time like the present, because
17:26
Speaker 1: prolonging this house and these decisions is actually going to
17:29
Speaker 1: make this decision harder for me. It doesn't make it easier.
17:32
Speaker 1: If I make the decision in three years time, I
17:34
Speaker 1: can guarantee you it's going to be harder because there'd
17:36
Speaker 1: be a voice in your head saying like, but look
17:37
Speaker 1: at all the time that you've spent, but now you've
17:40
Speaker 1: got to wait. You will have this little fucking person
17:43
Speaker 1: in your head some cost fallacy being like, now it's
17:46
Speaker 1: even more time wasted. Now, how are you gonna you know,
17:49
Speaker 1: now you've got to start from scratch. So if it
17:51
Speaker 1: is going to end sooner rather than later. That's me
17:55
Speaker 1: addressing those things. Unfortunately, as hard as it is, that
17:58
Speaker 1: cannot be the reason you stay. Simply cannot. You will
18:01
Speaker 1: resent the house, you will resent everything about your life
18:05
Speaker 1: if you stay because of those things. Okay, not saying
18:08
Speaker 1: it's easy, but I'm saying you have to find a
18:11
Speaker 1: way to push the two apart. And it is going
18:14
Speaker 1: to be hard, and you've got to walk into it
18:16
Speaker 1: knowing it's going to be hard, and mentally and emotionally
18:18
Speaker 1: prepare yourself for this. But I can guarantee you once
18:21
Speaker 1: it's done, you will breathe a massive sigh of relief.
18:24
Speaker 1: You will look back in five years time saying I
18:25
Speaker 1: know I did the right thing, and I'm stronger and
18:28
Speaker 1: more resilient for it because I did what was right
18:30
Speaker 1: for me and the may of the future. Okay, Now
18:33
Speaker 1: let's address the relationship with him. Okay, do you know
18:36
Speaker 1: if you should be returning to him and giving him
18:38
Speaker 1: another chance. There's a few things you got to ask yourself.
18:42
Speaker 1: This is all questions. I can't give you an answer.
18:43
Speaker 1: I can give you questions to ask yourself, and eventually
18:46
Speaker 1: you'll be able to unravel the answer will reveal itself. Okay,
18:50
Speaker 1: the first thing I got to ask yourself is how
18:52
Speaker 1: you've been with him for seven years? Okay, how many
18:55
Speaker 1: times have you And this is not so you say,
18:58
Speaker 1: oh my god, never, It's a genuine question, because you
19:00
Speaker 1: might say a couple of times, never, maybe all the time,
19:02
Speaker 1: I don't know, But how many times have you really
19:05
Speaker 1: given him an opportunity to change and he's changed and
19:08
Speaker 1: it be permanent? Because if the answer is never, then
19:12
Speaker 1: that's a strike against his name. If the answer is no,
19:16
Speaker 1: because you say he's changed when you've basically threatened to
19:19
Speaker 1: leave and when you've reached your limit, but then it
19:21
Speaker 1: doesn't seem to last. He kind of goes back to
19:23
Speaker 1: his old ways. I'm talking about permanent change. Permanent change
19:26
Speaker 1: because not only does he see that you've requested it,
19:28
Speaker 1: but he sees the value for him to change because
19:31
Speaker 1: it benefits the relationship, and then he therefore benefits from that.
19:35
Speaker 1: When people make a change, they have to really see
19:38
Speaker 1: the value in that change. You can't just be oh,
19:41
Speaker 1: just to shut you up, I'll change, because that won't
19:43
Speaker 1: be permanent. I can guarantee you it's not going to
19:45
Speaker 1: be permanent. They'll end up resenting you being annoyed. Oh no,
19:47
Speaker 1: I did this for you. They have to see the
19:49
Speaker 1: value in the change in order for them to make
19:51
Speaker 1: a permanent, real intentional change. Okay, how many times has
19:57
Speaker 1: he done that? Do you trust that when he says
19:59
Speaker 1: he would change, he actually can follow through and change?
20:02
Speaker 1: And if the answer is never, what makes this different?
20:06
Speaker 1: What makes this time different? Why do you think if
20:09
Speaker 1: you went back this time? I mean, you probably haven't
20:12
Speaker 1: left left before, but you've said, you know, been close
20:15
Speaker 1: to leaving, and you've had all these issues. Why this
20:18
Speaker 1: time would he change? Why would it purely be he
20:21
Speaker 1: will change just for a little bit because you've left,
20:24
Speaker 1: and he does he said he'll do anything to get
20:26
Speaker 1: back together or not. Why would he change this time?
20:29
Speaker 1: And if you don't know the answer to that, it's
20:31
Speaker 1: probably because it's not going to be a permanent change.
20:33
Speaker 1: The next question you got to ask yourself is you
20:36
Speaker 1: said that this insecurity thing. Do you think he has
20:41
Speaker 1: the emotional maturity to move past this insecurity towards your
20:46
Speaker 1: coworkers and this jealousy that's really causing cracks in your relationship?
20:50
Speaker 1: Is it possible? And that means would he be open
20:52
Speaker 1: to therapy. Would he be open to different tools that
20:55
Speaker 1: he could look at, like, what what would it look like?
20:58
Speaker 1: Is this something he's even open to changing? Because that
21:01
Speaker 1: kind of control never disappears if someone's not willing to
21:05
Speaker 1: look at it and actually get the help and work
21:07
Speaker 1: through it. It doesn't disappear on its own. It gets worse,
21:10
Speaker 1: it will not disappear on its own. So knowing that
21:13
Speaker 1: it doesn't disappear on its own, would you be okay
21:15
Speaker 1: with that for the rest of your life? If you
21:18
Speaker 1: knew he couldn't change, If you knew he couldn't change,
21:21
Speaker 1: would you stay? And if the answer is no, then
21:25
Speaker 1: no time like the fucking present, Because you've already done
21:28
Speaker 1: the first step by going to your parents' house. Going
21:30
Speaker 1: back makes it harder again. You already have created some distance,
21:33
Speaker 1: You're already add an advantage of like I've got breathing space,
21:36
Speaker 1: I've got time to process. So, unless you know yet
21:41
Speaker 1: this is what it's going to look like, yes, we
21:42
Speaker 1: can mend things, then you move back. Another thing I
21:44
Speaker 1: want to say, this leads me on to the next thing.
21:46
Speaker 1: I would not move back into the home at all
21:49
Speaker 1: until there has been some process, some progress. If your
21:52
Speaker 1: parents are willing to have you for a bit longer,
21:53
Speaker 1: which I'm sure they are. I would not move back
21:56
Speaker 1: in until I'm seeing some change or some progress. You
21:58
Speaker 1: do not move in and then he created it's changed.
22:00
Speaker 1: That's not how it works. That's not how you teach
22:02
Speaker 1: people how to treat you. You see the change, and
22:04
Speaker 1: then you say, okay, given that I've seen some evidence
22:07
Speaker 1: that things could improve, then i'd be willing to move in.
22:10
Speaker 1: I would say, are you willing to see a therapist? Yeah, yeah,
22:13
Speaker 1: I'm willing. I'm willing. I'm willing, all right, start now.
22:15
Speaker 1: I'm not moving back home until you start. I'm not
22:17
Speaker 1: moving back home until I see that you see value
22:20
Speaker 1: in the therapy and you don't have to do therapy.
22:22
Speaker 1: It could be other things. Whatever it is that you
22:24
Speaker 1: deem necessary to see change in him, you need to
22:27
Speaker 1: start seeing him put it into practice before you move
22:30
Speaker 1: back in. If you move back in and it's just words,
22:33
Speaker 1: you're doing yourself a massive disservice. Actions speak louder than
22:36
Speaker 1: words don't ever, especially for someone that has continuously said, oh,
22:40
Speaker 1: i'll change, change, and then they don't change. Once you
22:43
Speaker 1: simmer down, they don't change. Oh it's borrowing up. She's fine,
22:47
Speaker 1: She'll calm down, and then it's fine. He he wants
22:50
Speaker 1: you because he needs you in his life. But does
22:52
Speaker 1: he love you for you and want to be with
22:55
Speaker 1: you while allowing you to blossom as a person? Right,
22:58
Speaker 1: you see? With you because he kind of you provide
23:03
Speaker 1: something for him that he needs to have, like, for example,
23:06
Speaker 1: you provide that stability within his home, the woman in
23:09
Speaker 1: his life that he needs, and all these things. But
23:10
Speaker 1: he's also trying to change you. He's trying to manipulate you.
23:13
Speaker 1: He's trying to you know, he never puts your emotions first.
23:17
Speaker 1: You know, he might have certain things to work through,
23:19
Speaker 1: and it's possible that he then, you know, becomes aware
23:23
Speaker 1: of his toxic traits and then realizes, oh my god,
23:26
Speaker 1: that's not how you actually really love someone properly, and
23:30
Speaker 1: then change. It's possible. But if someone is never putting
23:34
Speaker 1: the partner's emotions first, they're probably with the partner because
23:38
Speaker 1: it services them more so than I really just love
23:42
Speaker 1: you and I want the best for you no matter what. Okay,
23:45
Speaker 1: Because when you wake up in the day, when you
23:46
Speaker 1: really love someone, love for the right reasons. When you
23:49
Speaker 1: wake up in the day you think I want my
23:51
Speaker 1: partner to have a good day. What does that look like?
23:53
Speaker 1: What does it look like for my partner to have
23:55
Speaker 1: a good day? What are the small gestures that I
23:58
Speaker 1: could do and like, whether it be words of information,
24:00
Speaker 1: whether it be an active service, whether it be whatever.
24:02
Speaker 1: If you love them well, you wake up thinking, I'm
24:07
Speaker 1: thinking about my partner's feelings and what would make their
24:10
Speaker 1: day easier, what would make their day better? Do you
24:12
Speaker 1: think he does that for you? And I'm not saying
24:14
Speaker 1: bunches of roses or this and that. I'm saying the
24:16
Speaker 1: little things you said. He never puts your emotions first,
24:19
Speaker 1: So I already think that that's not where his head
24:21
Speaker 1: is at ever, Okay, and I'm here to say that
24:24
Speaker 1: there are people out there where the head is that way,
24:27
Speaker 1: where they are thinking, how do I make my partner's
24:30
Speaker 1: day better or easier or happier. Imagine if both people
24:34
Speaker 1: in the partnership felt that way every single day, what
24:37
Speaker 1: would that romantic relationship look like. It would be blossoming.
24:40
Speaker 1: You would feel like you're in your safe space. You
24:42
Speaker 1: both blossom as individuals, but then your bond gets stronger
24:45
Speaker 1: because you've got that person there. If you don't feel
24:47
Speaker 1: that he is that for you. You got to ask yourself,
24:49
Speaker 1: why would he change? Do I think it will change?
24:52
Speaker 1: And if I actually think he will change, actually, then
24:55
Speaker 1: I'm going to go back to him and say this
24:57
Speaker 1: is what I need to see changed, and I need
24:59
Speaker 1: to say it as constant, permanent change before I move
25:04
Speaker 1: back in. We're literally going to date, like we're going
25:08
Speaker 1: to meet up, hang out, go on a date, whatever,
25:10
Speaker 1: and then I go back to my parents' place. Okay,
25:13
Speaker 1: And until I say consistent change, I'm not going to
25:16
Speaker 1: move in. And then if I move in and you
25:19
Speaker 1: stop that change, it means that it was all the
25:20
Speaker 1: fucking lie and I'm out of here. We sell the house,
25:23
Speaker 1: I'm done. So that's gonna be my advice to you.
25:25
Speaker 1: But do not fucking move in. Do not move back
25:29
Speaker 1: in if it's just words, if he's just talking shit,
25:32
Speaker 1: talking fucking shit. Okay, as the old saying goes, go
25:35
Speaker 1: fuck yourself. Not interested. Okay, That's all that is my answer. Next,
25:43
Speaker 1: my mom's negativity has better signal than the Wi Fi. Stunning, stunning,
25:49
Speaker 1: high Lexis. I love your pod so much, thanks for
25:51
Speaker 1: everything that you share. I have a question, I'd really
25:53
Speaker 1: love your perspective on My mom is a whole is
25:56
Speaker 1: my whole world, and I love her to bits. I
25:58
Speaker 1: want her in my life always, and we genuinely have
26:01
Speaker 1: a really good relationship. However, at times, she has a
26:04
Speaker 1: very negative mindset, often a very different insight on things,
26:07
Speaker 1: which can feel quite draining. If this were anyone else
26:10
Speaker 1: in my life who he was constantly negative, I would
26:12
Speaker 1: genuinely just cut them out. But she's my mum and
26:15
Speaker 1: that's not something I want to do. I know you
26:17
Speaker 1: can't change people, and whenever I try to gently encourage
26:20
Speaker 1: a different way of thinking, she tends to shut it down.
26:23
Speaker 1: I'm working hard on being more positive person and making
26:26
Speaker 1: changes in my own mindset, but I find it really
26:28
Speaker 1: challenging to stay grounded when I'm around negativity. I was
26:32
Speaker 1: wondering if you have any advice or tools on how
26:34
Speaker 1: to cope with being around someone who is very negative
26:37
Speaker 1: while still protecting your own energy and growth, especially when
26:40
Speaker 1: that person is someone you deeply love and don't want
26:43
Speaker 1: to remove from your life. I hope this makes sense.
26:45
Speaker 1: Thank you so much in advance. I'd really appreciate your insight.
26:48
Speaker 1: It definitely makes sense. Definitely, you don't have to cut
26:51
Speaker 1: out every single negative person in your life. You know,
26:53
Speaker 1: obviously you've got a good bond, you've got a good
26:54
Speaker 1: relationship with your mom, you'd love her all the above. Absolutely,
26:58
Speaker 1: you don't have to cut her out just because she's negative.
27:00
Speaker 1: But it's draining. I understand, it's extremely draining, and how
27:03
Speaker 1: do you deal with that? So one thing that you've
27:06
Speaker 1: got to realize is that ultimately you can't change somebody.
27:09
Speaker 1: You have to understand that if you're not going to
27:11
Speaker 1: cut her out, and if you cannot change her, there
27:13
Speaker 1: is going to be an extent off you feeling drained
27:16
Speaker 1: every time you hang out with her. There's absolutely nothing
27:18
Speaker 1: you can do about that because you can't change other people.
27:20
Speaker 1: But there are certain tools that you can put into
27:22
Speaker 1: practice too you don't get so drained, all right, And
27:27
Speaker 1: you know you said that you've tried encouraging things, you've
27:29
Speaker 1: tried things to be a bit more positive, but she
27:31
Speaker 1: shuts it down. So that's what I mean about. You
27:33
Speaker 1: can't control other people. You can't really change other people.
27:36
Speaker 1: You can only inspire change in someone and hope that
27:39
Speaker 1: they take your lead and hope that they change. But
27:42
Speaker 1: that's as as far as it goes okay, So what
27:46
Speaker 1: I would recommend. There's a couple of things that I
27:48
Speaker 1: would recommend. Number one, unless you actually agree, do not
27:52
Speaker 1: agree just to pacify her. I don't know. I'm just
27:55
Speaker 1: saying these things obviously don't know the details of it.
27:57
Speaker 1: So you know how sometimes when people are negative, just
27:59
Speaker 1: you know, you're like yeah, yeah, yeah, no, it sucts yep.
28:02
Speaker 1: You don't have to agree. You can just say yeah,
28:05
Speaker 1: from your perspective, you might see it that way, I
28:07
Speaker 1: see it differently. You can start the conversations. You don't
28:10
Speaker 1: have to say you need to be more positive when
28:12
Speaker 1: you need to do this. You can just talk it
28:13
Speaker 1: from your perspective. You could say, I know you see
28:15
Speaker 1: it that way, but maybe you could look at it
28:17
Speaker 1: this way, or I know you see it that way,
28:19
Speaker 1: but the way I see it, it's not so bad
28:21
Speaker 1: because of XYZ, or because I'd be focusing on this
28:25
Speaker 1: other thing, or because and you talk it about about
28:27
Speaker 1: it from your perspective. So that way, there's only so
28:30
Speaker 1: much she can shut it down because you're saying I'm
28:32
Speaker 1: validating you by saying fair enough that you see it
28:35
Speaker 1: that way. However, if I were to look at it
28:36
Speaker 1: from my perspective, I would see it differently, and then
28:39
Speaker 1: you give your positive spin on it without saying you
28:42
Speaker 1: should do this, you should look at it that way,
28:44
Speaker 1: you should whatever. Another thing that you can do is
28:47
Speaker 1: when someone's going on a negative spiel and a negative
28:50
Speaker 1: rampage is you give it minimal, minimal airtime. So just
28:55
Speaker 1: go withdraw, withdraw, and then you reinforce. When it's a
29:01
Speaker 1: good conversation, when she starts talking about something interesting, or
29:04
Speaker 1: she's asking you questions about yourself, or you're asking her
29:06
Speaker 1: questions and things are going well, that's when you start.
29:09
Speaker 1: But then when she starts going down that negative spiral,
29:11
Speaker 1: being negative, being negative, being negative, this is where you withdraw.
29:14
Speaker 1: And then if she asks you, why are you withdrawing,
29:16
Speaker 1: you can just say, I find I'm trying not to
29:19
Speaker 1: engage in too much negativity in too many negative conversations.
29:23
Speaker 1: So you're not again, you're not making it a personal
29:25
Speaker 1: stab to your mum. You're saying I am trying to
29:28
Speaker 1: engage less in negative conversations. You're not saying it's only
29:31
Speaker 1: you whose negative are saying in general to the general public,
29:34
Speaker 1: I'm just not interested. Okay. So that's a way of
29:37
Speaker 1: being not so attacking, not so confrontational, but letting her
29:42
Speaker 1: know because you can still have a great relationship and
29:45
Speaker 1: she can realize, oh, it's just a bore venting to
29:48
Speaker 1: my daughter because she doesn't engage in this, you know,
29:51
Speaker 1: negative spiraling chat being negative about certain things and being whatever.
29:55
Speaker 1: You know, she doesn't validate my negativity so much. So
30:00
Speaker 1: two things could happen. Nothing could change, but at least
30:02
Speaker 1: you're not like validating it too much and getting swept
30:05
Speaker 1: up too much in negativity. And you've tried, you know,
30:08
Speaker 1: you've tried, or you realize that she'll stop venting so
30:11
Speaker 1: much to you or stop being so negative to you,
30:13
Speaker 1: and she might still be negative to other people, but
30:15
Speaker 1: she's probably going to pull back a little bit with
30:17
Speaker 1: that negativity. So the main focus is I'm going to
30:22
Speaker 1: positively reinforce anything that's not negative or not a negative spiral,
30:28
Speaker 1: and then I'm going to not engage with things that
30:32
Speaker 1: are negative and not like really get sucked into that,
30:35
Speaker 1: and you will hopefully see a few changes. Addressing it
30:40
Speaker 1: for face value, you've already tried and she rejected it.
30:43
Speaker 1: So that's why I haven't given that as a suggestion,
30:45
Speaker 1: because obviously the first thing I would suggest is to,
30:48
Speaker 1: you know, hit her right between the eyes and say, Mom,
30:50
Speaker 1: I love conversations with you. I love talking to you.
30:53
Speaker 1: You are literally like one of my favorite people in
30:55
Speaker 1: the world. You're my mum. I adore you. I love
30:56
Speaker 1: our relationship. But have you noticed that you are a
30:58
Speaker 1: little bit negative and it doesn't really help you. It
31:01
Speaker 1: doesn't help you, know, conversations with other people. And maybe
31:05
Speaker 1: if you started seeing things in a positive light, life
31:09
Speaker 1: wouldn't feel so negative. You know, your perspective on life
31:11
Speaker 1: would actually change and things would look different to you.
31:15
Speaker 1: But if you feel like you've already said that kind
31:17
Speaker 1: of stuff, then I wouldn't bother again. I would do
31:19
Speaker 1: more based on my behavior around it and how much
31:21
Speaker 1: airtime I give and how much energy I give. When
31:23
Speaker 1: she sees you light up with lots of energy, she's
31:25
Speaker 1: probably going to want to engage more with that versus
31:28
Speaker 1: you withdrawing being like yep, yep, yep, yep and not
31:32
Speaker 1: give a bar. Okay, hopefully that helps because it is
31:36
Speaker 1: a bit of a drain. But you're not going to
31:37
Speaker 1: cut your mother out just for being negative. I get it,
31:39
Speaker 1: I get it, Okay. Last one, my picker is way
31:45
Speaker 1: off high Lexis. I absolutely love your podcast, long time
31:49
Speaker 1: ogiar listener, congrats and becoming a mom. I'm a mom too,
31:52
Speaker 1: and it's my greatest joy and I love that. Here
31:55
Speaker 1: is the scoop. I've just hit fifty, been married a
31:58
Speaker 1: couple of times, and my last relationship it was a situationship,
32:01
Speaker 1: a year long affair with a married guy. I'm not
32:03
Speaker 1: proud of it, and I've judged myself immensely. Here fair enough,
32:08
Speaker 1: I'm not gonna judge. I've noticed a pattern. I keep
32:12
Speaker 1: picking emotionally unavailable partners or ending up in situations where
32:15
Speaker 1: I feel like I'm buying love literally being the breadwinner
32:19
Speaker 1: and somewhat used. I've married, slash dated men and women,
32:23
Speaker 1: and at this stage I've got no idea what I
32:25
Speaker 1: want or how to figure it out. I fall in
32:27
Speaker 1: love fast and then get stuck in something that I
32:30
Speaker 1: usually end up leaving dramatically because I hold on too
32:32
Speaker 1: long and then just run. Right now, I'm loving being single,
32:36
Speaker 1: alone and without complication or drama. I have an incredible life,
32:40
Speaker 1: amazing friends, relationships, and a career and a career business
32:46
Speaker 1: and work I am passionate about. But I have always
32:49
Speaker 1: been in a relationship. So I'm sure it's coming again
32:51
Speaker 1: at some point and I want to be open to
32:53
Speaker 1: it or should I not? Should I stay single? I'd
32:57
Speaker 1: really appreciate your thoughts on how to get picker on track,
33:00
Speaker 1: because I'm pretty sure it's never been calibrated right and
33:03
Speaker 1: where to focus my energy in this part of my life.
33:06
Speaker 1: Any advice would be brilliant. Thanks from perpetually picker challenged.
33:11
Speaker 1: Love this. I love this? Okay. Firstly, if possible, yes,
33:16
Speaker 1: stay single for longer, absolutely, but but but butt, and
33:21
Speaker 1: I do recommend you go listen to my episode on
33:23
Speaker 1: hyper independence. Just type in the search by hyper independence
33:26
Speaker 1: within the podcast my podcast search and it should come up.
33:30
Speaker 1: I do believe that there might be an aspect of
33:32
Speaker 1: you that may be hyper independent. And what happens when
33:36
Speaker 1: you're hyper independent it is my walls are up. I
33:40
Speaker 1: don't want people to I don't want to be too vulnerable.
33:42
Speaker 1: I don't want to feel manipulated or hurt. So because
33:46
Speaker 1: of that, I'm going to be selective in the relationships
33:49
Speaker 1: that I find myself in where I still have maximum control.
33:53
Speaker 1: You are financially in control of the situation. You're purposely
33:56
Speaker 1: picking people that are not really emotionally available, so they're
33:59
Speaker 1: not going to fully give themselves to you. So that way,
34:02
Speaker 1: you don't fully feel like you've got to do the
34:04
Speaker 1: same in return, and that vulnerability never becomes a quote
34:07
Speaker 1: unquote issue. So you still feel like your wall is up,
34:10
Speaker 1: you're protected, and then you say you dramatically leave, so
34:13
Speaker 1: you're the one that pulls the pin. You pull away,
34:15
Speaker 1: So the whole time, you've quote unquote protected yourself emotionally
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Speaker 1: this entire time. All right, that is likely to be
34:21
Speaker 1: something around hyperindependence. Even when you're in a relationship, you're
34:25
Speaker 1: trying to maintain that level of independence that I can
34:27
Speaker 1: fend for myself. I've got this, I've got that. I've
34:30
Speaker 1: got it right. So I think you've got to really
34:32
Speaker 1: look at it. It's something within. It's not necessarily that
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Speaker 1: you just for no reason of picking the wrong people.
34:37
Speaker 1: I think you're trying to position yourself. This is about
34:41
Speaker 1: how you're positioning yourself when it comes to vulnerable relationships.
34:44
Speaker 1: You're positioning yourself in a way where you hold the cards,
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Speaker 1: where you hold the control. Okay, so initially I would
34:51
Speaker 1: recommend that you do stay single for longer, but learn
34:55
Speaker 1: to start being vulnerable in other areas of your life.
34:59
Speaker 1: And you can do this with friendships, okay, but it's
35:01
Speaker 1: where you start allowing people to do things for you,
35:04
Speaker 1: when you start asking for favors, where you start putting
35:08
Speaker 1: yourself out there and allowing yourself to be rejected or
35:11
Speaker 1: allowing someone to let you down, allowing these things, and
35:14
Speaker 1: then you start to realize, I'm okay if I am
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Speaker 1: let down, I'm actually okay without these things. Hyperindependence is
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Speaker 1: a massive reflection on how you feel about real emotional
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Speaker 1: vulnerability and what it looks like if you were to
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Speaker 1: get hurt when you opened up and when you became vulnerable. Okay,
35:31
Speaker 1: this could happen at any age. Like you said, you've
35:33
Speaker 1: been married multiple times. Maybe there was one of those
35:36
Speaker 1: marriages where you really got burnt, really got heartbroken once
35:40
Speaker 1: in your life, maybe the first one. I don't know,
35:42
Speaker 1: but there might have been a time in your life
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Speaker 1: where you were so fucking burnt, or maybe you were
35:48
Speaker 1: made to feel that any favor that was done for
35:52
Speaker 1: you was absolutely thrown in your face, and so you thought,
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Speaker 1: I'm never gonna let someone make me feel that way
35:58
Speaker 1: again ever, because it was so horrible, and I struggled
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Speaker 1: so much to build myself back up, and I just
36:04
Speaker 1: don't think I could do it again. I don't think
36:05
Speaker 1: I could put myself through that again. So then you
36:08
Speaker 1: started building up Bill Bill Bil Bil build, Bill Build,
36:11
Speaker 1: and you created this fortress. And then because of that,
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Speaker 1: the real, the real like MVPs of relationships are not
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Speaker 1: able to find you. They're not able to come your way,
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Speaker 1: and you're not looking for them. You're looking for the
36:25
Speaker 1: right match for that mentality that you have, for that like,
36:28
Speaker 1: for that belief system, that that schema that you've created
36:31
Speaker 1: around what kind of relationships are going to work for
36:34
Speaker 1: you moving forward in order for you to never feel
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Speaker 1: that way again. I'm never going to let someone allow
36:39
Speaker 1: me to be so vulnerable and do all these things
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Speaker 1: only to grab them and throw them back in my face.
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Speaker 1: I did this for you. I did that. You're ungrateful,
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Speaker 1: You're this year. I was made to feel so small.
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Speaker 1: That will never happen again. I will like see to
36:52
Speaker 1: it that will never happen again. And I know this
36:53
Speaker 1: because I was like that at one point, and it's
36:57
Speaker 1: very guarded, it's very I have to protect myself. But
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Speaker 1: then you realize with time, I'm actually not protecting myself
37:03
Speaker 1: because I actually can't control being hurt or not being hurt.
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Speaker 1: All I can control is if I'm going to have
37:08
Speaker 1: my back at the end of the day or not.
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Speaker 1: All I can control is how I heal and move forward,
37:13
Speaker 1: because having your walls up doesn't protect you from being hurt.
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Speaker 1: It just protects you from the real vulnerable relationships that
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Speaker 1: you could actually find. And then it's not really a protection,
37:23
Speaker 1: is it. It just blocks you from that. So you've got
37:25
Speaker 1: to really ask yourself, if I'm going to be hurt,
37:27
Speaker 1: regardless walls up or not, why don't I be hurt
37:31
Speaker 1: knowing I gave my true self and I was vulnerable
37:33
Speaker 1: and open. So please go listen to that episode on
37:35
Speaker 1: Hyperindependence because it talks about all of everything I just mentioned,
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Speaker 1: but in depth, and it really talks about how you
37:42
Speaker 1: can start to become independent but vulnerable. Okay, So that
37:48
Speaker 1: is what I encourage. I think this might be your situation,
37:52
Speaker 1: and if it's not, then I might have read it
37:54
Speaker 1: slightly wrong. But I still think that that episode will
37:56
Speaker 1: be of value regardless to you, because I think that
38:00
Speaker 1: once you do drop that wall, you'll realize that you
38:03
Speaker 1: won't be running away from the relationships every time, you're
38:06
Speaker 1: not going to be seeking people that are not available.
38:09
Speaker 1: You know that is a huge protective factor. The reason
38:12
Speaker 1: you seek people that are not emotionally available is because
38:14
Speaker 1: they can't ever fully reject you because they're not really available.
38:18
Speaker 1: And then you get to walk away, you get to
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Speaker 1: be dramatic, you get to blow up, and ah rahrah,
38:22
Speaker 1: you are in control. Control, control, control, control, control, that's
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Speaker 1: what you're telling yourself you need so right now, stay single, relax, enjoy,
38:31
Speaker 1: but be vulnerable in other areas of your life. And
38:33
Speaker 1: then you start learning it's okay to let go of
38:36
Speaker 1: the reins a little bit. It's okay to let go
38:38
Speaker 1: off that control. It's okay to be vulnerable with their friends.
38:40
Speaker 1: It's okay to ask for help. It's okay. And then
38:43
Speaker 1: you start feeling more comfortable doing that, and then you'll
38:45
Speaker 1: start opening up two more deeper emotional connections with other people.
38:50
Speaker 1: You'll start to heal from the pain that you had
38:52
Speaker 1: in the past that maybe has been swept under the
38:55
Speaker 1: rug and you haven't healed from, and then you start
38:57
Speaker 1: being able to really face these things feeling way better. Okay,
39:01
Speaker 1: that is all. Hopefully that was helpful. Thank you so
39:04
Speaker 1: much for writing in, for listening to the episodes, for
39:08
Speaker 1: sending your head noise episodes in. I absolutely love it
39:11
Speaker 1: when you do that. That is all for today's episode.
39:13
Speaker 1: And yes it is so if today's Wednesday. It's one
39:17
Speaker 1: week before the Sydney Live Show. If you haven't already
39:19
Speaker 1: got your tickets, get your tickets to the Sydney Live Show.
39:22
Speaker 1: We've got a few VIP tickets left, I think. And
39:24
Speaker 1: that's where we do like a meet and greet and
39:26
Speaker 1: some drinks and stuff beforehand and after and yeah, but
39:30
Speaker 1: it's just gonna be a really really good time and
39:31
Speaker 1: I can't wait to see you guys. I love seeing
39:33
Speaker 1: my audience at the live show. It makes me so happy. Anyway,
39:36
Speaker 1: that is all, Thank you guys so much for listening.
39:38
Speaker 1: As always, remember be kind to yourself, be kind to
39:40
Speaker 1: your brain, don't take shit from anyone, and especially don't
39:43
Speaker 1: take shit from yourself. Dunker since