Latest / Life Will Be the Death of Me with Chelsea Handler / Taking Your Dog’s Xanax with Connie Britton

Transcript

Taking Your Dog’s Xanax with Connie Britton · Life Will Be the Death of Me with Chelsea Handler

0:00
Speaker 1: Hi, I'm Chelsea Handler. Welcome to Life Will Be the
0:02
Speaker 1: Death of Me, a production of I Heart Radio. Thank You, Dallas.
0:09
Speaker 1: That's a very very warm welcome. I know it's gonna
0:18
Speaker 1: be one of those nights because it always is in Dallas.
0:22
Speaker 1: It's always one of those nights. And that's why I
0:24
Speaker 1: always come back here when I go on tour. I Um,
0:32
Speaker 1: I haven't been on tour in a really long time,
0:35
Speaker 1: and I didn't feel like standing up while I was
0:37
Speaker 1: doing it, so and I didn't want to go on
0:41
Speaker 1: tour until I had something to say. And so this
0:46
Speaker 1: is me with something to say. I wrote a new book.
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Speaker 1: It's called Life Will Be the Death of Me, and um,
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Speaker 1: I'm gonna read the first chapter of the book to
0:55
Speaker 1: set the tone for everybody about where I was in
0:59
Speaker 1: my life when I wrote this. The book is dedicated
1:04
Speaker 1: to my future husband, whoever he is. If you're here,
1:11
Speaker 1: if you're a straight man here tonight by yourself. There
1:18
Speaker 1: are no straight men here by themselves, no fucking way,
1:24
Speaker 1: And if they are, they're seventy. The chapter is called
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Speaker 1: where have I Been All my life? I don't remember
1:34
Speaker 1: the actor and I don't remember the movie, but I
1:37
Speaker 1: remember it was five o'clock in the afternoon, and I
1:39
Speaker 1: had just taken a couple of hits off of my
1:41
Speaker 1: vape pen. I needed to load my picks account, which
1:45
Speaker 1: held pre released movies that I was expected to screen
1:48
Speaker 1: before a star of one of the movies was a
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Speaker 1: guest on my Netflix talk show. I was sitting on
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Speaker 1: one of my overpriced Shaise lounges, the kind that celebrities
1:56
Speaker 1: and Russians purchased for their bedrooms, when I found myself
2:01
Speaker 1: once again unable to convert the TV that descends from
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Speaker 1: the ceiling from Apple TV two picks rich people have
2:08
Speaker 1: descending to smart television's. The idea is that they descend
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Speaker 1: silently and gracefully from the ceiling, But because I am
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Speaker 1: nouveau che rich, mine sounds more like a helicopter is
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Speaker 1: fucking landing. I'd like to blame my inability to change
2:26
Speaker 1: the mode of my television picks on the fact that
2:28
Speaker 1: I was stoned, but that would be a lie. I'd
2:31
Speaker 1: be even less capable if I were sober. I called
2:35
Speaker 1: my assistant Brandon at his house to tell him to
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Speaker 1: tell my other assistant, Tanner, who was downstairs in my house,
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Speaker 1: to come upstairs and help me with the television. I
2:50
Speaker 1: hung up the phone. I looked down at the table
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Speaker 1: and saw the vait pen. How many more hits of
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Speaker 1: marijuana am I gonna need to take to get through
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Speaker 1: this movie? I knew things that hit a new low
3:00
Speaker 1: or high, depending on how you looked at the situation.
3:03
Speaker 1: I picked up the iPad that controls the TV along
3:06
Speaker 1: with everything else in my house, from the window shades
3:08
Speaker 1: to the exterior lights in my backyard to my pulse
3:12
Speaker 1: probably and tried to pretend that I was troubleshooting so
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Speaker 1: that Tanner would think I had at least tried to
3:19
Speaker 1: figure it out on my own, as if that had
3:20
Speaker 1: ever happened before. How did I become so useless? And
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Speaker 1: how many assistants did I actually have? The answer is
3:29
Speaker 1: to Brandon and Tanner. Brandon is gay and has an
3:33
Speaker 1: incredible attention to detail. Tanner is straight, and before he
3:37
Speaker 1: met me, he thought the Four Seasons was a weather pattern.
3:42
Speaker 1: Before I met Tanner, I thought Venma was an online
3:45
Speaker 1: liquor store. I didn't want to watch another stupid movie
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Speaker 1: that I didn't care about, and I really didn't want
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Speaker 1: to interview another action star blow viating about his motivation
3:57
Speaker 1: for playing a half man, half mur made. I didn't care,
4:02
Speaker 1: and I wasn't doing anyone any favors by pretending that
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Speaker 1: I did. Did I ever care? The answer is yes.
4:09
Speaker 1: There was a time when all of this mattered to me.
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Speaker 1: There was a time when being famous and having this
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Speaker 1: kind of success and money and having a TV show
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Speaker 1: was what drove me to want more and more and more.
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Speaker 1: And now I found myself exhausted and ashamed by the
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Speaker 1: meaninglessness of it all. I remember coming home a couple
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Speaker 1: of weeks before the two thousand and sixteen election on
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Speaker 1: a windy fall night, which for Los Angeles is rare.
4:32
Speaker 1: Anytime there's weather in Los Angeles, even rain, it's exciting.
4:36
Speaker 1: The constant sunshine can start to grade on your nerves.
4:40
Speaker 1: I went up to my bedroom, I opened up my
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Speaker 1: sliding glass doors, I grabbed my vapen, and I turned
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Speaker 1: on some Neil Young and I lay on my bed
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Speaker 1: in the dark, watching the wind blow my bedroom drapes around,
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Speaker 1: hearing the ruffling of the leaves, and watching that lanterns
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Speaker 1: that hang from my backyard trees swinging into each other,
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Speaker 1: thinking if there's an electrical fire, I hope the dogs
5:01
Speaker 1: will at least bark to wake me up. But overall,
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Speaker 1: my thought was, this is fucking awesome. This is exactly
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Speaker 1: what I hoped adulthood would be like. No kids, no husband,
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Speaker 1: no responsibilities, just a TV show on Netflix and whatever
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Speaker 1: else I felt like doing whenever I felt like doing it.
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Speaker 1: Not trapped, not stock, not dependent on a single person,
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Speaker 1: but myself, free to be you and me. I couldn't
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Speaker 1: believe how lucky my life had turned out, how many
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Speaker 1: of my dreams had come true, and also my good
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Speaker 1: fortune in being alive during this time in history, the
5:40
Speaker 1: year we were going to elect our first female president
5:45
Speaker 1: that didn't happen. I suppose I could blame my state
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Speaker 1: of mind on the election of Donald Trump, so I
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Speaker 1: will I have the Trump family and their horrifying personalities
5:59
Speaker 1: and was disgusting veneers to thank for my midlife crisis,
6:06
Speaker 1: along with more than half the population of the world.
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Speaker 1: I couldn't grasp how in this day and age we
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Speaker 1: elected a man who insulted everybody he's insulted and done
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Speaker 1: everything he's done since. The contrast in decency between Barack
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Speaker 1: Obama and Donald Trump was too much for me to bear.
6:21
Speaker 1: It was like electing snooky to the Senate. Now people
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Speaker 1: were seriously talking about Dwayne the Rock Johnson for president.
6:36
Speaker 1: How on earth did we get there? Although, if I'm
6:39
Speaker 1: being honest, at that point, I would have taken an
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Speaker 1: actual rock. I kept hearing the word elitists, you know,
6:48
Speaker 1: like that everyone in California, New York lives in a bubble,
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Speaker 1: that the election of this lunatic was a result of
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Speaker 1: all of us not knowing anything about the rest of
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Speaker 1: the country. And that didn't bring true for me because
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Speaker 1: I had traveled all over the country doing stand up
7:00
Speaker 1: for so many years. I've been to every major city
7:03
Speaker 1: in some minor cities multiple times. I wasn't an elitist.
7:06
Speaker 1: My father was a used car dealer. I didn't have
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Speaker 1: a trust fund or wealthy parents. We weren't even allowed
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Speaker 1: to answer the phone growing up, because more often than
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Speaker 1: not it would be a bill collector. Had four hundred
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Speaker 1: dollars when I drove across the country alone to move
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Speaker 1: to Los Angeles and then was broke for seven years,
7:23
Speaker 1: living paycheck to paycheck while simultaneously getting fired from every
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Speaker 1: waitressing job I ever had. I worked for everything I
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Speaker 1: ever have and never even went to college. How could
7:34
Speaker 1: I be an elitist without ever going to college. And then, oh,
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Speaker 1: wait a minute, I remember. I grew up wanting to
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Speaker 1: get as far away from my life and my parents
7:44
Speaker 1: as possible. I had created a life in which there
7:47
Speaker 1: was a zero tolerance policy for any discomfort. I could
7:50
Speaker 1: handle physical discomfort, like dental work or elective surgery to
7:53
Speaker 1: make my thigh smaller, but not any discomfort related to
7:57
Speaker 1: not having money. Sure, I was just graping by on
8:00
Speaker 1: those cross country trips in the beginning of my stand
8:03
Speaker 1: up career, barely making enough money from small comedy clubs
8:06
Speaker 1: to cover my hotel room for the week. But after
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Speaker 1: a few years I was making more money. And then
8:11
Speaker 1: the clubs turned into theaters, and then arenas, and then
8:13
Speaker 1: private planes and Schureford cars, and sometimes I'd be in
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Speaker 1: a city for less than twenty four hours and then
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Speaker 1: onto the next city. So here I was, again not
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Speaker 1: taking into account the optics, or for that matter, the
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Speaker 1: reality of my own entitlement. I had become exactly what
8:28
Speaker 1: I always wanted to be, an elitist. I did live
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Speaker 1: in a bubble inside a bigger bubble, which was inside
8:35
Speaker 1: an even bigger bubble. That's three bubbles, two assistants to
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Speaker 1: cleaning ladies who are basically more like my nanny's a driver,
8:46
Speaker 1: a pool guy, a landscape or a florists because I
8:49
Speaker 1: need flowers all the time. A houseman. What's a houseman,
8:53
Speaker 1: you asked, Someone who walks the dog and polishes the
8:55
Speaker 1: outdoor furniture, And oh, who somebody who cleans up the
8:58
Speaker 1: dog ship because he can't do that even basically he's
9:02
Speaker 1: an outdoor butler. When was the last time I cleaned
9:05
Speaker 1: up dogship? Probably the last time I flew coach. I
9:11
Speaker 1: hated having these thoughts. I hated it because in the
9:15
Speaker 1: process something clicked for me, and I realized that I
9:18
Speaker 1: had made a career of overhydrating people with honesty, yet
9:22
Speaker 1: I was being dishonest with myself. And now that I
9:26
Speaker 1: was aware of this situation, I would have to do
9:28
Speaker 1: something about it, because I couldn't just carry on the
9:30
Speaker 1: way I'd been carrying on, just coasting and cashing checks
9:33
Speaker 1: for essentially being a loudmouth. So I took another hit
9:36
Speaker 1: of my vape. What I really wanted to do is
9:40
Speaker 1: watch the news. Even though the news was giving me diarrhea.
9:43
Speaker 1: The whole administration was giving me diarrhea. I'm probably hurtpies too,
9:48
Speaker 1: For all I know, my outrage was high. I had
9:54
Speaker 1: spent the year after the election being sucked into the
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Speaker 1: vortex of news cycles that accompanied Donald Trump's sent seeing
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Speaker 1: my subsequent mental hernia. The news was like a high
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Speaker 1: speed merry go round that never slowed down long enough
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Speaker 1: to figure out when it was safe to hop on
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Speaker 1: or off. So, like everything else in my life thus far,
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Speaker 1: I hopped on and I stayed on. I had spent
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Speaker 1: the better part of my day in a wormhole googling
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Speaker 1: pictures of young Robert Mueller because I was developing strong
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Speaker 1: sexual feelings toward him, as well as his investigation. In
10:32
Speaker 1: an interesting plot twist, it turns out Bob Muller is
10:35
Speaker 1: even hotter in his early seventies than he was when
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Speaker 1: he was in the Marines. I was more attracted to
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Speaker 1: present day Bob Muller than I would have had I
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Speaker 1: been alive during nam The guy fucking kills me. I mean,
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Speaker 1: who is hotter than Bob Mueller? Daniel day lewis playing
10:50
Speaker 1: Bob Mueller? Maybe, I mean potentially, but he's gonna have
10:56
Speaker 1: to stop with his shoe cobbling to fill him. Another
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Speaker 1: movie Daniel day Lewis and his shoe cobbling. It's like,
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Speaker 1: no one's talking about your shoes, buddy, Okay, just sucking act.
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Speaker 1: But Mueller was the only hope I had that Donald Trump,
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Speaker 1: in that terrible vampire family he spawned, would end up
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Speaker 1: in prison. The investigation into Donald Trump and he's conspiring
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Speaker 1: with Russia and all the other crimes. I'm sure he'll
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Speaker 1: be indicted for It made me realize what real men
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Speaker 1: look like. They look like Bob Mueller, a seventy four
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Speaker 1: year old with a six pack, possibly an eight pack
11:40
Speaker 1: underneath his shirt. When he walks, you can see it.
11:42
Speaker 1: He's ripped. Keeping your ship together is what that's called.
11:48
Speaker 1: Everybody a prosecutor, a marine, and the director of the FBI.
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Speaker 1: How on earth is any woman worth her salt meant
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Speaker 1: to control herself around him and not sit directly on
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Speaker 1: his face. Very few seven year old men have a
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Speaker 1: head of hair like that. And if anyone knows their
12:08
Speaker 1: way around seven year old men, it's me. They're my
12:10
Speaker 1: core demographic, the thickness, the salt and pepper. It's one
12:22
Speaker 1: thing after another with that Patriot. My best friend Mary
12:27
Speaker 1: and I have spent many a night deliberating about what
12:29
Speaker 1: he drinks when he gets home after a long day.
12:31
Speaker 1: Was it a Scotch on the rocks or a Scotch
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Speaker 1: neat one ice cube? Mary would say it would be
12:35
Speaker 1: a McCallen. People who use one ice cube usually annoy me,
12:39
Speaker 1: but this was different. I knew that Bob Muller knew
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Speaker 1: better than I did, and if he wanted to use
12:43
Speaker 1: one ice cube, then he was trying to accomplish something
12:52
Speaker 1: different with his libation. I'd be willing to switch over
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Speaker 1: to scotch or whiskey, or even use one ice cube
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Speaker 1: for the rest of my life if the reward meant
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Speaker 1: seeing Donald Trump dragged out of the White House topless, handcuffed,
13:12
Speaker 1: while his hairpiece detached from the tape on his head,
13:15
Speaker 1: and and then flew around like a cyclone landing in
13:18
Speaker 1: the rose garden. I'm not embarrassed by my feelings about
13:23
Speaker 1: Robert Mueller or for Robert Mueller. I'm surprised, maybe, but
13:27
Speaker 1: I'm not embarrassed. I am legitimately attracted to him and
13:30
Speaker 1: everything he stands for. I respect the ship out of him,
13:33
Speaker 1: and I suspect there will be a lot of people
13:35
Speaker 1: naming their baby boys Bob after this whole ship show
13:38
Speaker 1: is over. Who would have thought Bob would finally take off?
13:45
Speaker 1: Imagining Bob Bobby sitting in his boxers and a little
13:50
Speaker 1: boy's Hayning undershirt with short sleeves while drinking a McCallan
13:52
Speaker 1: on the rock, probably in a leather club chair, maybe
14:01
Speaker 1: me feel like Bob Muller and I had a lot
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Speaker 1: more in common than anyone who would have guessed, even me.
14:05
Speaker 1: I imagine us playing Clue together deep in the Catskills,
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Speaker 1: learning entirely new strategies to a game I thought I
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Speaker 1: had already intellectually mastered. I understand Bob Muller is married
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Speaker 1: and unavailable, so I would like to go on the
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Speaker 1: record and say I respect that, while also remaining deeply
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Speaker 1: attracted to him. It wouldn't matter if he was interested
14:28
Speaker 1: in me or not. I don't need people to like
14:30
Speaker 1: me in order for me to like them. That's a
14:31
Speaker 1: new thing I'm toying with, and I like it. It's fun.
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Speaker 1: Through the months of thick fog and despair after the election,
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Speaker 1: he was the one bright spot. He also represented a
14:43
Speaker 1: seminal moment for me personally. I had finally found the
14:45
Speaker 1: first Republican. I could see myself being penetrated by back
14:53
Speaker 1: to my midlife crisis. There's a line I'd written down
14:57
Speaker 1: from Victor Frankel's memoir Surviving the High. It's about surviving
15:00
Speaker 1: the Holocaust. It's called man search for Meeting. It was
15:03
Speaker 1: a line that stopped me cold when I read it.
15:05
Speaker 1: It said, it did not really matter what we expected
15:08
Speaker 1: from life, but rather what life expected from us. I
15:12
Speaker 1: had never thought about what life expected from me. I
15:14
Speaker 1: had only thought about what I expected from life. That
15:18
Speaker 1: was a book put her down her It was a
15:20
Speaker 1: look up at the sky and wonder, where the funk
15:23
Speaker 1: have I been all my life? Moment? How lost was
15:26
Speaker 1: I if that question had never occurred to me? And
15:28
Speaker 1: it hadn't ever occurred to me. I had to read
15:31
Speaker 1: it to think it. What a fucking dummy I was
15:34
Speaker 1: rewarding myself over and over again with homes and cars
15:36
Speaker 1: and vacations and gross extravagance. I justified all of it
15:40
Speaker 1: because I worked for everything I had. I came from nothing.
15:42
Speaker 1: I told myself for years that was my story. Work hard,
15:45
Speaker 1: fight hard, don't give up. You can do anything you deserve.
15:48
Speaker 1: This the idea that I came from nothing is a joke.
15:53
Speaker 1: My parents were disappointing, like with their personalities, but I
16:03
Speaker 1: always felt loved by lots of people. I never went hungry,
16:07
Speaker 1: I never struggled. I was white, pretty Jewish, and had
16:09
Speaker 1: a ton of misplaced self confidence. So life got easier
16:14
Speaker 1: the more focused I became. I got to Hollywood, and
16:17
Speaker 1: I was rewarded for all of that behavior. My life
16:21
Speaker 1: was a bubble, that's exactly what it had become, a big,
16:23
Speaker 1: vapid bubble. And what were my ties to being famous?
16:26
Speaker 1: What were my ties to being a celebrity? Wealth and
16:29
Speaker 1: fame existed as a couple in my mind they went together.
16:31
Speaker 1: Did that mean I could still have one without the other?
16:33
Speaker 1: And if so, which one would I choose? And is
16:35
Speaker 1: this my whole identity? Is this my whole life? It
16:38
Speaker 1: can't be. Do I get to fall in love again
16:41
Speaker 1: with a man? No, a man can't help you with this.
16:44
Speaker 1: You got yourself here, So the question is what are
16:48
Speaker 1: you gonna do with yourself now? What is my enough?
16:52
Speaker 1: I never had to care about the state of the
16:53
Speaker 1: world before the world was a vague thought and a
16:55
Speaker 1: whimsical fancy that was for the adults. I thought that
16:58
Speaker 1: by traveling to so many different countries these I was
17:00
Speaker 1: doing my due diligence. That by edifying myself with other
17:04
Speaker 1: cultures and sharing my experiences on camera on my show,
17:09
Speaker 1: I was somehow making a worthy contribution to society. America
17:12
Speaker 1: wasn't a problem. There was no problem. We had elected
17:14
Speaker 1: a black president and we were about to elect a woman.
17:17
Speaker 1: Racism and feminism were fights again. It didn't happen, sweeties,
17:22
Speaker 1: who maybe we're not talking about the same thing. Racism
17:31
Speaker 1: and feminism were fights we had already won. America was
17:35
Speaker 1: being handled by people smarter and more skilled in politics,
17:37
Speaker 1: and they took care of this stuff so that people
17:39
Speaker 1: like me could live the American dream and remained blissfully
17:42
Speaker 1: ill informed. I had spent my adulthood on a cigarette
17:46
Speaker 1: boat going a hundred miles per hour, and now I
17:48
Speaker 1: felt like I had somehow become a ruined on one
17:50
Speaker 1: of those terrible all inclusive carnival cruise ships. Time speeds
17:57
Speaker 1: up as it goes by. Someone explained to me that
18:00
Speaker 1: there is a mathematical reason for this. As you age,
18:04
Speaker 1: each year becomes a smaller percentage of the life you
18:06
Speaker 1: have already lived. I'm forty two, as I write this.
18:09
Speaker 1: So one year now represents a small percentage of my
18:12
Speaker 1: forty two years, about two point three eight. But when
18:15
Speaker 1: I was eight, one year was a really long time.
18:18
Speaker 1: It was an eighth of my life. And that is
18:20
Speaker 1: why summer lasted for about four years when you were
18:23
Speaker 1: a kid. And this may be why I now feel
18:26
Speaker 1: an urgency to know more, to do more, and to
18:28
Speaker 1: be more. Don't get me wrong, I don't believe life
18:35
Speaker 1: is too short. I believe life is too long. It's exhausting.
18:39
Speaker 1: I don't fear dying. I want people to know that
18:41
Speaker 1: if I die early, it's not some tragedy. If I
18:44
Speaker 1: die to night, it's not I'd be relieved. I'm wiped
18:47
Speaker 1: out and I've had a great adventure. I have two
18:51
Speaker 1: hundred and fifty thousand dollars set aside for my funeral
18:54
Speaker 1: because I want everyone to have one big fucking party
18:56
Speaker 1: in my honor. I want to have a great funeral,
19:02
Speaker 1: filled with dancing and little people and mushrooms and then
19:06
Speaker 1: little people on mushrooms. I wanted to be a celebration
19:11
Speaker 1: for all the people who love me and for all
19:12
Speaker 1: the people who are happy to see me go. But
19:17
Speaker 1: in the meantime between now and then. This is my
19:19
Speaker 1: attempt at taking stock of how I got here, where
19:22
Speaker 1: I've been, and where exactly it is that I'm going.
19:25
Speaker 1: What exactly is it that I might bring to the
19:27
Speaker 1: table to answer the question that Victor Frankel forced me
19:29
Speaker 1: to ask myself. Do I have the conviction to examine
19:34
Speaker 1: myself unflinchingly, to reveal the good, the bad, the ugly,
19:38
Speaker 1: the beautiful the answers. Yes, I have a lot to
19:41
Speaker 1: be embarrassed about, and I intend to advertise it. I'm
19:46
Speaker 1: sick of my voice, of my ambition, of my entitlement.
19:49
Speaker 1: I'm sick of not knowing more, and I'm embarrassed it
19:51
Speaker 1: took me this along to figure it out. Life has
19:54
Speaker 1: been too easy. I've gotten almost everything I've ever wanted,
19:57
Speaker 1: and I'm forty two. Something smells fishy. M After all
20:01
Speaker 1: is said and done, I'd like to be cremated and
20:04
Speaker 1: have my ashes scattered over Bob Muller's grave or inside it,
20:19
Speaker 1: or his inside mine, or inside of me, or in
20:23
Speaker 1: one of Daniel dy Lewis's clogs. Thank you, Thanks guys. Okay,
20:38
Speaker 1: we're gonna take a quick break and we'll be right back.
20:43
Speaker 1: I'm gonna bring out somebody that you're all gonna love
20:46
Speaker 1: very much. And she's a very good friend of mine,
20:50
Speaker 1: and she was nice enough to fly out here to
20:53
Speaker 1: interview me for uh for tonight, and uh you might
20:57
Speaker 1: know her. Please welcome Connie Britton. Wait where do you want? Okay? Hi,
21:23
Speaker 1: Hi Dallas? Yeah, good good. Let's tell everybody how we met? Okay?
21:30
Speaker 1: Was it on my TV show? Um? We we met? Uh? No,
21:35
Speaker 1: you thought we met on your TV show. We did
21:37
Speaker 1: not meet on your TV show. We met in an airport.
21:40
Speaker 1: You accosted me. You were dating Ted Harbor, remember Ted
21:44
Speaker 1: Harbor from previous books. That was one of my first
21:47
Speaker 1: older boyfriends. That was the twenty when twenty years between
21:50
Speaker 1: my age and their age was acceptable. When when I
21:53
Speaker 1: was in my twenties and thirties, I date fifty year old.
21:56
Speaker 1: Now that I'm forty four, I'm not dating a fucking
21:58
Speaker 1: sixty four year old, do you know what I mean?
22:01
Speaker 1: So the margin has to like shrink, So I mean
22:06
Speaker 1: I'm open minded. Then that's why I'm single. So yes,
22:09
Speaker 1: I'm it's working. It's working out great for you think
22:12
Speaker 1: working wonderfully. No, but you were a fan of Friday
22:16
Speaker 1: Night Lights. I know I'm so happy to be back
22:22
Speaker 1: in Texas. I love y'all. And you accostomed me in
22:27
Speaker 1: the airport and and somehow we ended up with each
22:30
Speaker 1: other's numbers. And I don't know if you remember this,
22:32
Speaker 1: And I wanted to start by saying, I'm so fucking
22:35
Speaker 1: proud of you. This book is number one. I'm like
22:42
Speaker 1: two different New York Times bestseller lists. I'm so proud
22:50
Speaker 1: of you because this book is like nothing else you've
22:53
Speaker 1: ever done, It's nothing else you've ever written, and it
22:56
Speaker 1: is a reflection of who you've become. And I say
22:59
Speaker 1: that as we're talking about when we met, because when
23:02
Speaker 1: we met, this is Chelsea's like, bless your heart. I
23:05
Speaker 1: was out of control and then we we like texted
23:07
Speaker 1: each other, and then you invited me to some birthday
23:09
Speaker 1: party that you had on you were having on some
23:12
Speaker 1: island in like in like a club where it's like
23:16
Speaker 1: going to be a club like twenty four hours a day.
23:18
Speaker 1: And I was in the middle of working on something
23:20
Speaker 1: I don't know what, and I couldn't go, and you
23:21
Speaker 1: were so mad at me, so I tossed. She was
23:26
Speaker 1: so pissed. She was seven anger, anger, like just sucking
23:30
Speaker 1: agitation but also also like somehow that I couldn't go.
23:34
Speaker 1: It was like I was abandoning her. You don't do
23:37
Speaker 1: that anymore. No, No, now you're so healthy. I'm a
23:40
Speaker 1: lot healthier than I was. Yeah, but you don't realize
23:43
Speaker 1: when you're in those states, when you're just kind of
23:45
Speaker 1: going and you're just like, you know, my my career
23:48
Speaker 1: when it started in in this town, you just go
23:50
Speaker 1: a million miers per hour. You know, you never can
23:53
Speaker 1: take a break either, and it becomes an addiction, and
23:55
Speaker 1: then all of a sudden, you're just out. You're not
23:57
Speaker 1: even paying attention to what's happening, and your life just
24:00
Speaker 1: kind of passes you by. So it was good to
24:02
Speaker 1: have a wake up call because when I hear stories
24:04
Speaker 1: like this, I cringe. I'm like, oh god, I was
24:06
Speaker 1: so fucking annoying. No, but you weren't. You were still
24:10
Speaker 1: you always have had this heart. But now you're letting
24:12
Speaker 1: us really see it, and you're letting yourself really see it.
24:14
Speaker 1: And I'm really proud of you, and I um, i'd
24:17
Speaker 1: like to thank Dan for that. Dan's my psychiatrist. I
24:24
Speaker 1: I have, I have uh, really irrational feelings for Dan.
24:30
Speaker 1: I really want Dan badly. Like you want Robert Mueller,
24:35
Speaker 1: I want Dan. Yeah, I get it, I get it.
24:38
Speaker 1: Dan was the first psychiatrist that I ever went to
24:40
Speaker 1: that I wasn't attracted to. And that's why I stuck
24:42
Speaker 1: with it, because I knew that if it wasn't if
24:45
Speaker 1: it's a sexual thing, you're with girls were so screwed up,
24:48
Speaker 1: you know, you A dentist can be borderline good looking,
24:53
Speaker 1: and all of a sudden, you're like, you know, just
24:56
Speaker 1: because he has some control over you. If you ever,
24:59
Speaker 1: like anybody, anytime I've been put under by an anesthesiologist,
25:02
Speaker 1: you're just like, oh my god, Like you're immediately attracted
25:05
Speaker 1: to them, just because they're like, they have your life
25:08
Speaker 1: in your hands, you know, in their hands. I know
25:10
Speaker 1: that's so. Yeah. I love I love being drugged. What
25:16
Speaker 1: what are wead? What's happening? Um? Connie doesn't like drugs.
25:22
Speaker 1: Just so you know, I gave her a hit of weed.
25:25
Speaker 1: I'm into cannabis now. Yeah, she's into cannabis. Now is it?
25:30
Speaker 1: It's not legal here right? Okay? And it will be,
25:35
Speaker 1: it will be at some point. It's gonna be legal everywhere.
25:39
Speaker 1: But um, I'm coming out with my own cannabis line.
25:42
Speaker 1: At the end of the summer, and because it's helped me,
25:45
Speaker 1: It's helped me so much, especially with like you know,
25:48
Speaker 1: just relaxing, calming, slimming down. Cannabis was my gateway drug
25:51
Speaker 1: to like meditation and all that ship. But because that's
25:56
Speaker 1: how that goes, you always start with drugs before you
25:59
Speaker 1: met it tate healthy first. I have to calm down
26:02
Speaker 1: for long enough to metadate. So yeah, I need some weed. Um.
26:06
Speaker 1: We went over. We were over at our friend Charlie's
26:09
Speaker 1: Theron's house one night, and so we're there and I
26:12
Speaker 1: had my weed pen, a sample of my weed pen.
26:14
Speaker 1: I said, Connie, here, try it, and She's like, I
26:16
Speaker 1: never really smoke. I was like, then don't. I don't
26:18
Speaker 1: want the drama, you know what I mean, if you're
26:19
Speaker 1: gonna like I was like that place. Wait. Also, it
26:28
Speaker 1: was a dinner party where all these people were supposed
26:31
Speaker 1: to show up and and like we were the only
26:34
Speaker 1: two people who came. So it ended up being and
26:37
Speaker 1: it was like this beautiful dinner party for like three
26:40
Speaker 1: or three women, three of us, two of him were
26:42
Speaker 1: real stoned. I was stoned, but I'm always a little
26:46
Speaker 1: bit stoned. So you were stoned and then we moved
26:49
Speaker 1: to the living room and some other people came over,
26:50
Speaker 1: so it was Rita Aura, the musician, and carl tell
26:53
Speaker 1: Avine came over. So She's on the couch lying behind me,
26:57
Speaker 1: and I'm talking chit chatting, and I don't even notice,
27:00
Speaker 1: and I just went to go sit back. I'm like,
27:01
Speaker 1: who's that. They're like, Connie, She's been sleeping for like
27:03
Speaker 1: two hours. And then and then three weeks later, I
27:11
Speaker 1: get it in text from car tel Avine saying, Hey,
27:14
Speaker 1: I'm having a party at my house, a housewarming or whatever.
27:17
Speaker 1: It is her birthday. I thought it was too I
27:19
Speaker 1: got there, it was a housewarm inte. I'm like, why
27:20
Speaker 1: the fund did I go to this? I was like,
27:23
Speaker 1: I thought this is an important night. I mean, so
27:27
Speaker 1: she said, hey, I have I'm having a housewarming party.
27:30
Speaker 1: Will you invite Connie and Charlie's And I was like, yeah, yeah,
27:34
Speaker 1: I will. And then I invited you and You're like, oh,
27:37
Speaker 1: that's so sweet. I don't even know cards all Avine,
27:41
Speaker 1: and I was like, well, she met you the other
27:43
Speaker 1: night while you were asleep on the couch, and I
27:46
Speaker 1: must have made a great impression because she invited me
27:50
Speaker 1: to her not birthday party. So whatever, I'm a great sleeper.
27:56
Speaker 1: If you could make a good impression while you're sleeping,
27:58
Speaker 1: I think that's solid. Feel pretty good about it. You
28:02
Speaker 1: used to You used to be more of a sleeper too.
28:04
Speaker 1: That was another thing. Two years ago at your birthday party,
28:07
Speaker 1: you basically announced everybody who was still at your birthday party, Okay, guys,
28:10
Speaker 1: I'm going to bed. You know it was. It was
28:15
Speaker 1: as awkward as that sounds like. It was not any
28:19
Speaker 1: less awkward than that. It was literally like I looked
28:21
Speaker 1: at Brandon, I'm like, Okay, should we go. We're gonna go.
28:24
Speaker 1: I'm gonna go. Yeah, that's that's yeah. I'd like to
28:27
Speaker 1: do a French exit. But it's hard to do that
28:28
Speaker 1: at your own house. Yeah, you know what I mean.
28:31
Speaker 1: It's hard to just like yeah, anyway anyway. So but
28:39
Speaker 1: now here you are, you're in Texas. I'm in Texas.
28:42
Speaker 1: Which the other thing. The other thing about Chelsea is
28:45
Speaker 1: she's had a crush on well, you've had a crush
28:48
Speaker 1: on a couple of my teeth. The thing, the reason
28:50
Speaker 1: I'm friends with Connie is because she works with men
28:53
Speaker 1: that I would like to get penetrated by. Kyle Chandler.
28:59
Speaker 1: Obviously it's ridiculous, and obviously had a huge crush on him,
29:03
Speaker 1: and then he did the other show after you, and
29:06
Speaker 1: then I was like, oh my god, like I have
29:08
Speaker 1: a real obsession with him. So I had to stop
29:10
Speaker 1: watching him because it was unhealthy because he's married and
29:12
Speaker 1: doesn't want anything to do with me. I tried to
29:15
Speaker 1: get him on my show to interview me. I mean
29:17
Speaker 1: to interview him on my old show, and Connie would
29:20
Speaker 1: try and be at our liaison, but then you know,
29:22
Speaker 1: he's like, I'm not gonna do it. He's like, tell
29:26
Speaker 1: that that's real sweet. She could come out what you
29:28
Speaker 1: offered to, like go meet him, like in a tepee
29:30
Speaker 1: or something, which he said, did she come down and
29:35
Speaker 1: do the the interview? And where does he live in Austin?
29:39
Speaker 1: In Austin And I was like, yeah, I'll go to Austin.
29:41
Speaker 1: We could do it in the woods. Yeah, And he's like,
29:44
Speaker 1: tell that crazy bitch. I don't want her to interview me.
29:49
Speaker 1: And then she worked with Eric Banna because and that's
29:51
Speaker 1: another one of mine. Although did you guys all see
29:53
Speaker 1: Dirty John and how many people? Although in Dirty John,
29:58
Speaker 1: I wasn't as in to him as I've been time. Yeah,
30:00
Speaker 1: well it's hard to get into a sociopath. Yeah, well
30:03
Speaker 1: you did a good job. I'm an actress. It's gone acting. Yes, yes, Okay,
30:12
Speaker 1: well this sounds like a good time to take a break.
30:17
Speaker 1: Tell the story about Chunk on the plane. Oh well, Chunk.
30:22
Speaker 1: Chunk was my old dog. Yeah, Chunk was. He was
30:24
Speaker 1: such a stud I'm gonna cry in the book too,
30:26
Speaker 1: by the way, just saying, um, he Chunk was great. Chunk.
30:32
Speaker 1: It was like my family dog. He was my first dog.
30:34
Speaker 1: He made me a mother, and I wasn't a great mother, um,
30:39
Speaker 1: which is why I'm glad I didn't ever have children,
30:41
Speaker 1: because you know, that would be a disaster. And so
30:43
Speaker 1: I think I also am like people should thank me
30:45
Speaker 1: for that too, Like I don't get enough recognition. I
30:48
Speaker 1: feel like, you know, not contributing to like putting out
30:51
Speaker 1: another one of me. I think it's a responsible decision making. Um,
30:56
Speaker 1: but Chunk and I I was a really good mom
30:59
Speaker 1: until I took Chunk, you my ORCA. I brought him
31:01
Speaker 1: to Spain because I thought he would deserve to trip overseas.
31:05
Speaker 1: And and when I before, I had never taken on
31:08
Speaker 1: an international flight, so it was like twelve or fourteen
31:11
Speaker 1: hours totally with a layover in Germany, and we were
31:13
Speaker 1: going to see my family and my family and I
31:15
Speaker 1: we all get along, but we're a little bit like
31:17
Speaker 1: my brother is married to this Russian and she's kind
31:19
Speaker 1: of a buzz kill, and um, she's very Russian, you know,
31:24
Speaker 1: like she's very overprotective. She doesn't she's superstitious. It's all
31:27
Speaker 1: like she thinks everyone who's gay is has been molested.
31:30
Speaker 1: It's like it's hard to deal with her, you know.
31:32
Speaker 1: She's always like Chelsea when you get the boyfriends and
31:35
Speaker 1: I'm like, what are you have you been listening to
31:37
Speaker 1: anything I've ever said that is not going to complete me?
31:42
Speaker 1: And so she has three boys with my brother and
31:44
Speaker 1: they're all horrified by her as well, because she's she's
31:49
Speaker 1: one of those women who's like a mosquito, you know,
31:52
Speaker 1: like did you like Like they get out of the
31:54
Speaker 1: pool and then she makes them put on dry pool
31:57
Speaker 1: clothes and then when they get back in the pool,
31:59
Speaker 1: they have to put the wet ones back on. I'm like,
32:01
Speaker 1: just skip the pool. Skip it. It's a nightmare for
32:03
Speaker 1: all of us to watch this. I mean, she and
32:09
Speaker 1: she's so materialistic, Like she's always about my money and
32:14
Speaker 1: the things and where my old This is a nice
32:16
Speaker 1: house you rented, you thinking about buying and it's like no,
32:19
Speaker 1: no one's talking about that. And and you know, she
32:22
Speaker 1: thinks the only key to happiness is to be married
32:24
Speaker 1: to have children. She still thinks there's a chance I'm
32:26
Speaker 1: gonna have a child, Like I'm forty four. It's a wrap.
32:30
Speaker 1: She tells you are very fertile. I can tell. I'm like.
32:35
Speaker 1: But so I was going on vacation with them, and
32:37
Speaker 1: on the on the flight out, Chunk and Eye flew
32:40
Speaker 1: Iberian Air or something, and I got sleeping pills for
32:44
Speaker 1: him because I had never taken him on a flight
32:46
Speaker 1: and I wanted to make sure he didn't pee or anything.
32:48
Speaker 1: So I was like, okay, I'll probably knock him out.
32:50
Speaker 1: And then it's some like twist of fate. I just said, no,
32:52
Speaker 1: I'm not going to do that. I don't want to
32:53
Speaker 1: give him a sleeping bill. He's never taken one. It
32:55
Speaker 1: was the most responsible parenting i'd ever very impressed for
32:58
Speaker 1: me to take it over. Thank you welcome for me
33:02
Speaker 1: to take an overnight flight without taking a sleeping pill.
33:06
Speaker 1: That's saying I love you, you know what I mean,
33:07
Speaker 1: Like I had never done that. I had never taken
33:10
Speaker 1: a flight without taking a sleeping pill that was that long.
33:12
Speaker 1: But I stayed up with him and whatever. So I
33:15
Speaker 1: got there and I was like, you guys, I did it.
33:16
Speaker 1: I nailed it, like I'm a number one parent. And
33:18
Speaker 1: then halfway through the trip, my brothers and sisters are
33:20
Speaker 1: all there. I was really annoyed with my Russian sister
33:23
Speaker 1: in law and we were on a sailboat and I
33:25
Speaker 1: was taking the boys into these coves to swim in
33:27
Speaker 1: these caves that were underwater, and they were and she
33:30
Speaker 1: was just like, you can't go with Chelsea's it's not safe.
33:33
Speaker 1: And finally I just swam home like Julia Roberts and
33:37
Speaker 1: sleeping with the enemy. I was like, literally, we're on
33:42
Speaker 1: about sailing. I'm beautiful, my and I was like, I'm
33:44
Speaker 1: just gonna swim back to the house. She is so
33:46
Speaker 1: fucking annoying. And you know what's so funny about her,
33:50
Speaker 1: She's so annoying, but she doesn't even if you tell
33:53
Speaker 1: her she's annoying. She's like like she doesn't hold she
33:57
Speaker 1: doesn't hold a grudge about it. She'll just pick up
33:59
Speaker 1: the converse where she goes, yes, anyway, Chelsea, that's not nice.
34:02
Speaker 1: What were you saying? And I'm like, huh, So I swam.
34:07
Speaker 1: I swam to shore on my aunt, who's awesome. She's
34:09
Speaker 1: a real bitch, so like we have a good rapport
34:12
Speaker 1: and she doesn't say much. I walked in. I was like,
34:14
Speaker 1: can you believe them? Like they put so much sunblock
34:16
Speaker 1: on their sons, like it was you couldn't even see them,
34:18
Speaker 1: you know. And I walked in, I go, can you
34:21
Speaker 1: believe fucking Olga? And then and my brother Glenn, they
34:25
Speaker 1: bicker about everything, you know, like she could see a
34:27
Speaker 1: can open and it's a thing. You're like, oh my god,
34:29
Speaker 1: everything's a safety hazard. So I said, I go, can
34:34
Speaker 1: you believe how they act? I mean, what's up with
34:36
Speaker 1: that sun block on my aunt's Like I can't believe
34:37
Speaker 1: she doesn't even put it in their mouths? I mean.
34:42
Speaker 1: And I looked at Chunk's meds and what I discovered
34:46
Speaker 1: was that they were dogg easan X basically the equivalent
34:48
Speaker 1: to a humans annex. And I was like, uh, game changer.
34:54
Speaker 1: And I popped one flitted in a half because it
34:56
Speaker 1: hits you faster, and I was like, listen, I'm gonna
34:59
Speaker 1: go knock myself the funk out. Because it was a Thursday.
35:02
Speaker 1: We had until Saturday, and I was like, I was
35:04
Speaker 1: at the end of my rope. And so I basically
35:07
Speaker 1: slept for the next two days and I just wake
35:10
Speaker 1: up in the morning, go downstairs, take a half of
35:12
Speaker 1: zana X popping, and go back upstairs. My I'm like,
35:14
Speaker 1: I can't deal with any more Russian accents anytime they
35:17
Speaker 1: asked me, I'm like, I just can't. So we get
35:19
Speaker 1: on the plane on the way back from my Orca
35:22
Speaker 1: and I popped the last X. Chunk had five and
35:25
Speaker 1: I was on my fifth one. I popped it and
35:27
Speaker 1: realized I didn't have any for chunk and I was like,
35:29
Speaker 1: oh funk, I can't throw up a zan X on
35:31
Speaker 1: a plane. And I'm like, oh dad, that was so
35:35
Speaker 1: I was like, what do I do? I mean, what
35:40
Speaker 1: do you do if you take something you're not supposed to?
35:42
Speaker 1: Of course that's the first thought, and I go for
35:46
Speaker 1: me anyway, and so it isn't So I pass out
35:54
Speaker 1: and I wrapped chinks leash around my waist and I'm
35:57
Speaker 1: just hoping he's going to pass out too. And then
36:01
Speaker 1: I was falling asleep, and I was like, I had
36:03
Speaker 1: one of these baby sleeping pills that I brought but
36:06
Speaker 1: never used because I had, you know, pilferred my own sons,
36:09
Speaker 1: and so I gave him a Sonata, which is like
36:11
Speaker 1: a light four hours sleeping pill, and we both fall asleep.
36:16
Speaker 1: We wake up four hours later. The woman is like
36:19
Speaker 1: pulling me by my hair. The flight attendant, she's like,
36:21
Speaker 1: your dog is running around the first class cabin and
36:26
Speaker 1: foaming at the math and I am literally like you
36:31
Speaker 1: should have I mean, there's dog hair everywhere. And I
36:35
Speaker 1: had a leash around my belly and I was so
36:38
Speaker 1: out of it, you know, I was trying. I'm like, oh, chuck,
36:41
Speaker 1: I'm like chunk, and I could hear it. Me sounded
36:45
Speaker 1: like a wearabolf, he was like. And I was like,
36:48
Speaker 1: oh glad, this is gonna be a nightmare. Oh my god,
36:51
Speaker 1: Oh my god. And so I'm running and I get
36:53
Speaker 1: up to go just jump for him to like lurch
36:55
Speaker 1: and the rope burn around my waist from the leash.
36:59
Speaker 1: I was like ah, and then I please miss help
37:02
Speaker 1: and the woman's like in her seat, She's like, I'm
37:04
Speaker 1: not a flight attendant. I'm not helping you. I don't
37:06
Speaker 1: work here. I was like, please go get me, and
37:09
Speaker 1: she's like, I'm not and I was like, oh shut
37:11
Speaker 1: I'm on my own on this flight. So I get
37:13
Speaker 1: him and he is just and my chunk was cool,
37:16
Speaker 1: like he would never be uncool. He did never even
37:18
Speaker 1: would let himself get an erection in front of me
37:20
Speaker 1: or go to the bathroom. He was just a gentleman.
37:23
Speaker 1: He would turn around if I saw him go to
37:25
Speaker 1: the bathroom, he would turn around and run away. I
37:27
Speaker 1: was like, that's what I like. I like that, you know, respect,
37:32
Speaker 1: And so it was hard to see him in that condition,
37:34
Speaker 1: especially knowing that I had done that to him. And
37:38
Speaker 1: and then finally then the flight attendants where you know,
37:40
Speaker 1: they were like you're a nightmare, and I was like, listen,
37:43
Speaker 1: can we get us? I'm like, can we get some food?
37:45
Speaker 1: I was like, fucking, I just gotta give him water.
37:46
Speaker 1: He was so thirsty. You know, the vets said before,
37:49
Speaker 1: you know, if you take your dog on a plane,
37:51
Speaker 1: just remember the pill makes them very thirsty. And I
37:55
Speaker 1: got yeah, but you just told me I can't give
37:57
Speaker 1: him water for fourteen hours, so then he's gonna be
37:59
Speaker 1: thirsty and dying. For water, and she's like, you have
38:01
Speaker 1: to choose. Fucking vets. They never give you any real information.
38:09
Speaker 1: Every VET I've ever gone to, they're like, oh, you
38:11
Speaker 1: could you rescue a dog? And they're like, oh, it
38:12
Speaker 1: could be four, could be twelve. I'm like, that's a
38:18
Speaker 1: pretty big margin of error. Eight years. So the vet.
38:23
Speaker 1: You know, So he did get thirsty. So I finally
38:25
Speaker 1: just gave him water. I even tried to give him
38:27
Speaker 1: orange juice, anything, and I ordered a mistake. The flight
38:30
Speaker 1: attendant came over and was like, would you like anything
38:34
Speaker 1: for your traveling companion? The steak was for him, um,
38:39
Speaker 1: And then he finally calmed down. And I was just
38:42
Speaker 1: so scared that I was gonna get off the plane
38:44
Speaker 1: and it was gonna be fucking arrested. You know, by
38:46
Speaker 1: the by the I don't know some from by Peter,
38:50
Speaker 1: you know, news would have spread. I'm like, that's the
38:53
Speaker 1: that's the ship I need to deal with. Chelsea Handler
38:55
Speaker 1: kills her dog on plane from my Orca. Well, your
38:58
Speaker 1: your book is so much about death that and I
39:00
Speaker 1: read it. I'm like, she I don't remember this story.
39:02
Speaker 1: She killed chunk on a plane, Like I was sure
39:05
Speaker 1: that that's how it was gonna end. I was so
39:07
Speaker 1: relieved that he survived it. He did survive. He he
39:11
Speaker 1: wasn't really ever the same after that trip. But I mean,
39:15
Speaker 1: I do feel badly that I did something to him.
39:18
Speaker 1: It would just really knocked him out. And I won't
39:21
Speaker 1: take any more dogs to my WORKA That is not
39:23
Speaker 1: a smart move, you know what I mean. They can't handle.
39:25
Speaker 1: It's too long and it's not fair. But I don't
39:28
Speaker 1: really know what the point of that story. I really like.
39:31
Speaker 1: I like your drag story. You know. Your drug stories
39:34
Speaker 1: are always funny to me, Like I like the one
39:36
Speaker 1: where you um right, They're so funny, Like I like
39:39
Speaker 1: the one where you um, didn't you take a like
39:41
Speaker 1: a yeast infection like suppository orally? Yes, that happened right, Yes,
39:48
Speaker 1: I was in Whistler. I was in Whistler, Canada, and
39:51
Speaker 1: I thought I had a situation. Yeah, And I called
39:55
Speaker 1: my doctor and they sent me a pill and I
39:57
Speaker 1: took it orally, and then like like a day later,
40:03
Speaker 1: I was like, I wonder if that was supposed to
40:04
Speaker 1: go in my Pikachu. Yeah, And then I called my doctor.
40:15
Speaker 1: I was like, hey, quick, quick question. I was like
40:20
Speaker 1: that pill that diff lucan or what you know, and
40:24
Speaker 1: he goes, yeah, and I'm like, that goes and he's
40:26
Speaker 1: like nothing. I'm like, where does that go? It's like
40:32
Speaker 1: I'm sorry, I'm like, where does that pill go? He's
40:39
Speaker 1: like I don't I don't understand the question. I'm like, yeah,
40:41
Speaker 1: you do anyway, So wait, patients, and then I want
40:49
Speaker 1: to talk about politics, because that's another change that right now. Okay,
40:53
Speaker 1: but let's talk about k Yeah. Yeah, I mean Bett,
41:01
Speaker 1: oh right, you're in that. You're in the seat of
41:02
Speaker 1: it right here, like this isn't it. That's how actually,
41:10
Speaker 1: that's how we became kind of we we yeah, because
41:13
Speaker 1: we met a while ago, like in the airport in
41:16
Speaker 1: Friday lights. But this was like in your old days.
41:19
Speaker 1: And then I remember I didn't go to a birthday
41:20
Speaker 1: party you invited me to, which was on some island
41:23
Speaker 1: and where it was like in like a club like club.
41:25
Speaker 1: You were going to be in a club like twenty
41:26
Speaker 1: four hours a day every day for your birthday. And
41:29
Speaker 1: I was like, I'm working, I can't go, and you
41:31
Speaker 1: almost didn't forgive me. Yeah, I wouldn't get mad at people.
41:35
Speaker 1: She would get really pissed, like if you didn't show up.
41:38
Speaker 1: She was like, you're done. I'm done with you. So
41:41
Speaker 1: but thankfully we you know, time passed and you had
41:45
Speaker 1: your down But yeah, but politics kind of brought us
41:49
Speaker 1: back together again. Yeah, it was nice because after that election,
41:52
Speaker 1: you became friends with people, not this is an example
41:54
Speaker 1: of us, but you actually became friends with people that
41:56
Speaker 1: normally you wouldn't talk to. You're like, oh, yeah, we're
41:58
Speaker 1: on the same team here, let's try figure this out.
42:00
Speaker 1: And I know that you and I both were like
42:02
Speaker 1: scrambling about what to do and hysterical, and I didn't realize,
42:06
Speaker 1: you know, I learned about Like for me, it was
42:08
Speaker 1: like I threw myself in, which I know you did too.
42:10
Speaker 1: You just so like, oh my god, what are we
42:11
Speaker 1: gonna do. We gotta get the mid terms going, like
42:13
Speaker 1: you're we're going to go in and fix everything. But
42:15
Speaker 1: luckily it was a collective of so many people that
42:17
Speaker 1: went in And actually, so I think you realize who.
42:21
Speaker 1: I think the way the way we're dealing now with
42:23
Speaker 1: the way the country is, I think it is very
42:25
Speaker 1: representative of who we are as individuals. Because in order
42:29
Speaker 1: to change the country, you have to invest yourself. You
42:31
Speaker 1: have to invest yourself financially. You have to invest yourself
42:34
Speaker 1: with your time, You have to invest yourself with your passion.
42:36
Speaker 1: You have to invest yourself with the way you talk
42:38
Speaker 1: to people around you, with your community, with your family.
42:41
Speaker 1: And there are some people who are capable and willing
42:43
Speaker 1: to do that, and there's some people who aren't. And
42:45
Speaker 1: that's an indication of character. So I think that that's
42:49
Speaker 1: you know that we're seeing that a lot amongst ourselves
42:51
Speaker 1: right now too, you know, and that's how we come well.
42:53
Speaker 1: You actually Kiani was roommates with Kirston Gila Brand. Yes,
42:57
Speaker 1: Kirston Jilli Brand. See you're not. It's like, I'm smattering,
43:00
Speaker 1: smattering of applause. It's amazing. We are. They are very
43:04
Speaker 1: lucky because we have many truly incredible candidates right now
43:09
Speaker 1: and possible possible presidential nominee. I like, amazing. There are
43:15
Speaker 1: a lot of good candidates. And it's I mean, I like,
43:17
Speaker 1: I mean, like you. I got so burnt out with
43:19
Speaker 1: the mid terms that I was like, oh my god,
43:20
Speaker 1: I don't ever want to deal with politics again. I
43:23
Speaker 1: can't stand this ship. But it's necessary. You can't just
43:25
Speaker 1: dip in and out. You have to kind of harness
43:27
Speaker 1: your outrage and make it something positive and go and
43:30
Speaker 1: do something good. So I'm trying to pace myself and
43:33
Speaker 1: not burn out or burn the candle at both ends
43:36
Speaker 1: with this and be active and be aware of everything
43:38
Speaker 1: that's going on politically. So it's, um, it's like a
43:42
Speaker 1: fun I'm right here, sweetie. You can see me open
43:46
Speaker 1: your Oh sweet what drugs is she taking? Who knows?
43:54
Speaker 1: People get ship faced when they come see me? Right?
43:59
Speaker 1: We want to to show Like ten years ago, we
44:01
Speaker 1: did a show. We were in Long Island and it
44:02
Speaker 1: was a theater that was in the round, and which
44:05
Speaker 1: means like you're in the center of a crowd, so
44:06
Speaker 1: like your ass is facing half the people. It's it's
44:09
Speaker 1: not a great setup, but it's old school and we're
44:11
Speaker 1: in this theater in Long Island and after we're done,
44:14
Speaker 1: the security guard like watching me off the stage because
44:16
Speaker 1: you're surrounded by people, and he was being very protective
44:18
Speaker 1: and he's like, sorry, there's vomit everywhere, like every girl
44:23
Speaker 1: there had thrown up. He's like, wow, you really attract
44:25
Speaker 1: quite a crowd. He's like, last time I saw this
44:29
Speaker 1: was zz top. I'm like, yeah, I'm sure this theater
44:35
Speaker 1: has seen its share of vomit. Yes, I'm sure it has.
44:38
Speaker 1: But anyway, I'm optimistic about the future because I think
44:41
Speaker 1: we have to be and we have to live in
44:42
Speaker 1: a state of hopefulness. And I really wanted to get
44:45
Speaker 1: my head on straight. And the thing that I learned
44:47
Speaker 1: the most is like, in order to be of use
44:49
Speaker 1: to anyone really in this world, you have to get
44:51
Speaker 1: your ship together, and you have to clean out your
44:53
Speaker 1: own injuries. And now amen, sister, and sister Amen speak
45:02
Speaker 1: it so also, you're living an honest life, living an
45:07
Speaker 1: honest and true life. You are even sober, and I'm
45:09
Speaker 1: living living an honest life. Cheers, cheers. I didn't say
45:14
Speaker 1: you were living a sober life. But I want to
45:16
Speaker 1: read this last part of the book for you guys
45:18
Speaker 1: before you get get going, because wow, we have these
45:26
Speaker 1: I Decide bracelets and these necklaces and t shirts that
45:29
Speaker 1: say I decide because of something I wrote in the book.
45:32
Speaker 1: Hold on, let me get rid of my camel toe.
45:34
Speaker 1: And second, don't see, don't let other people decide what
45:47
Speaker 1: kind of mood you're going to be in. Don't let
45:49
Speaker 1: anyone change your life in one day. Don't let death
45:52
Speaker 1: take you down and keep you down. You go down,
45:54
Speaker 1: but get back up. If we don't give into our
45:57
Speaker 1: despair and instead lock it away, we failed to properly
46:00
Speaker 1: more in the people we love. How on earth are
46:02
Speaker 1: we honoring the very people we are grieving if we
46:05
Speaker 1: failed to more in them fully, we should be celebrating
46:07
Speaker 1: the people we've lost. I missed thirty years of celebrating
46:11
Speaker 1: my brother. I decide to grow up. I decided to
46:14
Speaker 1: be better. I decided to take my life back. All
46:18
Speaker 1: the proceeds for the T shirts and the bracelet's go
46:20
Speaker 1: to UM True Colors United, which is an organization for
46:23
Speaker 1: l g B t q I a youth through a
46:25
Speaker 1: homeless Thank you so much for the support and I
46:28
Speaker 1: totally appreciate it. And thank you to Pottie Brittain, my
46:30
Speaker 1: very good friend, for being here tonight. Thank you guys.
46:40
Speaker 1: Um Okay, Brandon, Well, that was a live show, so
46:42
Speaker 1: you now, I just want to make an announcement to
46:44
Speaker 1: everybody that I've had twenty one shows and you haven't
46:47
Speaker 1: been to one, and l A is the city you've
46:49
Speaker 1: dwell in and you didn't even come to that show.
46:51
Speaker 1: Brandon had plans in the night of my show. You're
46:53
Speaker 1: in LA, Yes, but my new plan is to come
46:54
Speaker 1: to one of your other shows, like I really like
46:56
Speaker 1: to go to New Orleans or St. Louis. Maybe naturally, well,
46:59
Speaker 1: we need to add first left, you're not coming to
47:01
Speaker 1: any those shows. I added new dates where I'm gonna
47:03
Speaker 1: be doing stand up. So though that's Westbury, Long Island,
47:06
Speaker 1: I'm coming to Atlanta. I'm coming home to Mountclair, New Jersey, St. Louis, Minneapolis,
47:11
Speaker 1: New Orleans, and Nashville. So go to live nation dot
47:13
Speaker 1: com for tickets to a live show where I will
47:16
Speaker 1: be doing stand up and Brandon will not be. We'll
47:18
Speaker 1: be back next week with my psychiatrist who's going to
47:20
Speaker 1: break down the angiogram for everybody who's been asking questions
47:23
Speaker 1: about that. Life will be the Death of Me as
47:27
Speaker 1: a production of I Heeart Radio. For more podcasts from
47:29
Speaker 1: my Heart Radio, visit the i Heart Radio app, Apple Podcasts,
47:33
Speaker 1: or wherever you listen to your favorite shows. Oh