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Transcript

Identity crisis · The Spiritual Shitshow Podcast

0:00
Hello and welcome back to the Spiritual Shit Show.
0:02
My name is Julie Nguyen and before I recorded today's podcast, I just did a quick little Google, why podcasts became so popular.
0:13
And the answer was because podcasts create a feeling of authenticity.
0:19
And listeners often say it feels like sitting in a room with someone having an honest conversation.
0:25
Number one, the invitation here is may we find ourselves sitting in rooms with people.
0:32
having more honest, real conversations.
0:38
And number two, thank you for being here.
0:41
This is the whole reason why I am creating this podcast.
0:46
It's.
0:47
The original intent for them was for it to feel real and less filtered and more thoughtful and less performative than social media.
0:58
I sometimes find the pressure to do the whole podcast setup and then today.
1:05
I'm reminded of the original intent was for authenticity.
1:10
Thank you so much for being here.
1:12
to give you a visual.
1:13
I sit at my dining room table, looking out at the mountains, also taking in this incredible.
1:21
Stained glass chakra, wood hanging thing that my husband made and gifted me for my birthday a few years ago.
1:31
Sitting next to a very large crystal amethyst and grateful to sit and reflect upon my own life and to be able to share some of it with you.
1:46
over spring break.
1:47
I had the incredible and fun opportunity to travel to New York City and be a guest on someone else's podcast.
1:54
It was such a gift because not only have I known these people for over 20 years, but do you have friends in your life where So much time passes before you talk to them.
2:04
And then when you meet and you reconnect, it's like no time has passed at all.
2:09
To me, those types of relationships are such a gift.
2:14
Now, like I said, when I record my own podcasts, it's simple.
2:17
It's low budgets, me and my dining room table, and this little space that I've created, my candle that's lit and my heart.
2:30
No lights, no cameras, no big production, just me and my phone.
2:34
And this really cool brand new microphone that my brother and sister-in-law gifted me for, for my birthday this year.
2:43
And I love that.
2:45
And there is something really beautiful about letting what wants to come through authentically and organically in my own space come through.
2:56
And it was also so special to step into someone else's space, especially in New York City, with a beautiful view.
3:04
It felt so bougie.
3:07
For a moment, it was like, yes, I could get used to this, but honestly, it was also so great to be able to support somebody else's podcast and to share parts of my story in a different way.
3:20
I love this saying everything needs a witness.
3:23
And in my own healing journey, I realized that I wasn't fully able to move through it completely because the thing that I was missing was a safe witness to it.
3:39
And then I've realized that everything needs a witness.
3:43
Your dreams need a witness.
3:45
Your pain story needs a witness.
3:46
You need a witness.
3:48
So having somebody create space for your story to not only be told, but in the telling of it to be witnessed, felt so powerful.
4:00
And in this interview or podcasting, the thing that really kept coming through was this theme of identity, identity and identity crisis.
4:15
And before I share more of my story, I want to invite you into this question, what identity feels most comfortable for you?
4:25
Not necessarily the identity that feels most aligned, but the identity that feels most familiar.
4:32
The role of mother.
4:35
The role or the identity of the artist in the family, or the black sheep of the family, or the identity of what you do, your work, the identity as a writer, the identity or role of that, you're somebody who's always happy and so light filled the identity or role, dot, dot, dot.
5:01
It is getting me to think about these identities that we form and question why?
5:08
Because familiar often feels safe.
5:12
The labeling feels safe.
5:14
I know for myself when my original identity as dance teacher studio owner was stripped from me, the question that I stumbled over time and time again and still to this day still hate answering, is the question of what do you do?
5:31
So what identity feels most comfortable for you and why?
5:37
Even if it's limiting, even if it was originally created from survival.
5:43
We all have roles.
5:44
We step into roles.
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We learned early in life roles that help us feel more safe.
5:51
Roles that helped us belong, roles that helped us identify who we think we are.
5:58
Roles that helped us navigate difficult environments.
6:01
Maybe you are the responsible one.
6:03
Maybe you are the strong one.
6:05
Maybe you are the achiever.
6:06
Maybe you are the dancer.
6:08
Maybe you are the creator.
6:09
Maybe you are the free spirit, the gypsy one.
6:12
Maybe you are the caretaker.
6:14
Maybe you are the one who always holds it together.
6:16
Maybe you are the one who is always in charge.
6:19
and sometimes those identities serve a purpose.
6:22
And I would honestly say when those roles and identities are formed, they absolutely do serve a purpose.
6:29
They're supporting us.
6:30
They protect us, they help us to survive.
6:33
But every once in a while, it is powerful to ask, is this identity helping me survive?
6:41
Or is this identity helping me to thrive?
6:45
Because sometimes the role that once protected you or allowed you to be may not be the role that expands you.
6:56
So what do I mean by that?
6:57
If you are the one who is always in charge, what would it feel like to let someone else take the lead?
7:05
If you are always the strong one, what would it feel like to allow yourself to be supported?
7:11
If you are always giving and managing and planning, what would it feel like to receive?
7:19
If you are always doing, doing, doing, doing, busy, busy, busy, busy, what would it feel like to allow for a simple day to happen in your life?
7:29
In your week where nothing needs to be accomplished, nothing is planned, if you are always the responsible one.
7:39
What would it feel like to play.
7:41
Identity can create safety, but identity can also create limitation and identity.
7:48
Crisis is often the space where something new is trying to emerge.
7:54
Before I began doing intuitive work, before coaching, before these podcasts, before my spiritual work, my entire, and I mean entire adult identity was built around me.
8:09
As a dance teacher and a studio owner and a very successful one at that.
8:14
I opened my first dance studio when I was 21 years old with my business partner.
8:19
And if you know anything about the dance world, it is not a very casual job.
8:24
It is seven days a week.
8:27
It is long nights.
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It's.
8:29
Your weekend's filled with competitions.
8:33
It is mentoring, it's choreographing, it is staff, it's families, it's emotions, it's people coming, it's people quitting.
8:40
It's drama.
8:40
It is everything.
8:42
It is an all in type of job and truly your entire family unit has to revolve, around this business.
8:52
It is very hard.
8:54
To find a very healthy work life balance in the dance studio world.
9:00
Maybe some people have accomplished it.
9:02
I was unable to, and because I started so young, My entire adult identity was intertwined with being a successful dance studio owner.
9:12
That was who I was.
9:13
I was Miss Julie.
9:15
It was my community.
9:16
It was my life.
9:17
It was my creativity.
9:19
It was my purpose.
9:20
It was my financial stability.
9:22
It was my identity.
9:23
I was Miss Julie.
9:24
And during that time, life was expanding in beautiful ways.
9:29
In my thirties, I met the love of my life.
9:32
I got married, I had my daughter.
9:34
Not necessarily in that order.
9:36
We bought a home and I had so many dreams in my mid thirties.
9:43
I was at this, space where I'm like, okay.
9:47
I have worked and put in 16 years into this business.
9:52
It needs to now begin to work for me.
9:55
I have put in the time, the blood, sweat, tears into this, and now I finally thank goodness, get to experience life on the other side.
10:03
I get to be a mom.
10:05
I get to be a wife.
10:06
I get to feel what it feels like to create a home life for my family.
10:11
I get to travel, I get to, Because the work has been put into the business, I was financially stable.
10:19
I had also all of these other dreams that I wanted to, try on.
10:24
I wanted to be the Oprah of dance.
10:26
I wanted to support dance teachers and studio owners in creating more balance, more self-care, more sustainability.
10:32
I knew that there was such a lack of nourishment and support in the dance world, and I wanted to be the one who was offering.
10:41
the conversation around how can we make this space better?
10:45
How can we incorporate more self-care, more sustainability, more balance?
10:51
Because what I saw in the industry was so many women pouring everything into their studios without receiving nourishment themselves.
10:57
I also wanted to move through this idea Owning a dance studio was just a heart-centered business that didn't make any money.
11:05
I was curious about how we can actually be badass women and lead a heart-centered business and be making money.
11:16
I wanted to host retreats.
11:18
I wanted to write books.
11:19
I wanted to be a motivational speaker.
11:21
I wanted to create workshops.
11:23
I wanted to help dancers build emotional resilience, everything.
11:28
In my mid thirties felt so perfect and so aligned and everything felt so expansive.
11:36
And at the same time, the relationship between my business partner and I, was becoming increasingly unhealthy.
11:43
We were just growing in different directions and the environment was becoming toxic, deeply destabilizing, And, later I was able to realize through many years of therapy that the relationship, my business relationship itself, was dancing in the pool of narcissistic abuse, financial abuse, emotional abuse.
12:12
And I didn't see it at the time, but as I began to build my own life and take ownership of what I wanted to create, And I was beginning to, notice the gaslighting and the chronic invalidation and, the feelings of being destabilized.
12:32
I knew that I was being forced out of my business.
12:38
And when you are in an environment like that, you slowly begin to lose your sense of self.
12:43
One of my beautiful qualities that I own is being stubborn, and I knew that I was being gaslit, and I knew that I was being forced out of my business.
12:55
And so I dug my heels in and I was committed to riding, it out.
13:05
For as long and as toxic and as painful as it was gonna be, I was not going to lose this battle.
13:12
I was gonna stay in my business.
13:14
You cannot force me out, and I'm gonna stay here until something shifts.
13:19
And so for about a year and a half, every day was hard.
13:22
I literally whipped out all of my coaching tools of gratitude and breath work and positivity.
13:30
Prayer.
13:31
Oh my God, I've never prayed so much before in my life.
13:35
And every day I was trying to maintain my sanity while also knowing deep down that this situation was not sustainable.
13:44
And the more I began to grow, the more I began to set my boundaries, the more I began to say no.
13:50
The more I began to claim my life.
13:52
My husband, my daughter, my values, how I wanted my life to be the clear it all became, this environment as it was, was not going to be able to hold the version of me that I wanted to become.
14:13
And sometimes growth disrupts systems that rely on you staying small.
14:20
Eventually the writing was on the wall, and one day I walked into my business after 17 years and as I turned around to turn on the music for our rehearsal, I very clearly heard Spirit say Enough And it was like something took over me.
14:39
I turned around and I was like, oh my God, like this is my last day.
14:43
Like I can't, like this is the end.
14:44
This is the end.
14:45
I've reached the end of the road.
14:46
I can't do this anymore.
14:47
And I was mindfully trying to figure out how I was gonna do this.
14:52
So I brought the kids together and I said, look, we're gonna rehearse, but I wanna tell you that this is my last day here and you have all of the tools that you need.
15:01
And I am sure in hindsight, this all could have been handled differently.
15:06
And I'm sure it was very traumatic for these students, which I do hold a lot of regret.
15:12
And it was something like, something was moving me, something was saying, Julie, you cannot do this anymore enough.
15:22
And so on a Wednesday I walked into my business and I heard enough and I walked out of my business.
15:32
I came home and my sweet husband was like, Hey, did you come home early or did you get off early?
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And I told him, no, I quit.
15:42
And I didn't just like quit, I quit.
15:43
Like I can't go back.
15:45
Like I'm not going back.
15:47
And I remember in that moment I was able to hold such a deep sense of relief because it was a year and a half that I knew I was, getting pushed out of my business.
15:57
And so it was a year and a half of holding my ground and struggling every single day and grief.
16:07
It was relief and grief at the same time.
16:10
And when my friend said, oh my God, we heard what just happened, number one, are you okay?
16:15
And can we bring you anything?
16:17
I said, I want chocolate cake and wine, which is such a odd request, but I was like, I feel like celebrating because this feels like for the first time in my life I have finally said a big yes to myself that I am no longer gonna place myself in a position where.
16:34
I am literally just trying to survive in an environment that is never going to support me.
16:40
And when I left, I lost everything.
16:43
I lost my business, my community, my friends, my students, my financial stability, my structure, and I lost my identity.
17:00
And if you have ever experienced identity crisis, you know how disorienting that can feel.
17:07
The very first Saturday that I had free, that I wasn't at the dance studio rehearsing competitive numbers or I wasn't at a competition, I literally had no idea what to do with myself.
17:17
So I pathetically swept my entire house for hours, and I remember doing it like, what am I doing?
17:26
But I didn't know what else to do because for 17 years of my life, every Saturday I was up early rehearsing numbers at the studio from nine in the morning till five o'clock at night or later, or I was at a competition.
17:41
There was no free Saturdays ever that I had this 17 year career.
17:45
So having a Saturday where I had nothing to do, I didn't know what to do.
17:51
Who am I without this role of being Miss Julie?
17:55
Who am I without the title of I own a dance studio?
17:58
Who am I without having purpose and who am I without going to a place where I can use my creativity and I can, can love, and I can be with other people and, I can have ideas, and I can have dreams and I can make it all happen.
18:15
All of it was gone, like literally gone.
18:20
I also remember thinking for a really long time, I don't know how to dress anymore.
18:25
I don't know what I like.
18:27
I don't know what I'm good at.
18:29
I was gaslit for so long, like was my entire life, just a lie.
18:34
And then because I was so used to being gaslit, I started gaslighting myself.
18:39
What am, I interested in?
18:41
What is true for me?
18:43
Was I talented?
18:44
Was I a good teacher?
18:46
Was I successful?
18:47
Was I liked, was I creative?
18:50
Was I a good choreographer?
18:52
I had no idea Did I just imagine everything?
18:58
Identity crisis.
19:00
And what I now understand is that identity crisis is often not a breakdown.
19:05
It's an initiation.
19:07
Oh my God, I wish somebody told me this when I was going through it, because when everything you thought defined, you literally falls away.
19:17
What remains is essence.
19:20
And to this day, I am learning how to sit with the essence of who I am.
19:25
And it is your essence that cannot be taken away from you.
19:29
It is your essence that you need to own, to know, to embrace, to nourish, and most importantly, love your gifts remain your sensitivity remains.
19:44
Your creativity remains, your intuition remains.
19:47
And for me, the last nine years, it's been a slow remembering, a reclaiming.
19:57
And what was hard was I was struggling in trying to rebuild what I once had.
20:05
To not let go of that identity, to still figure out how I can move forward, these dreams that I had, the moving forward and the pushing of the dreams created years of personal struggle and suffering What was once so easy for me.
20:24
Now wasn't easy.
20:26
And I was also so fucking angry that I spent 17 years working at a business.
20:33
And when I finally said, okay, now the business can work for me.
20:37
and now, now I get to experience the fruits of my labor, and then it was gone and I had nothing to rebuild from.
20:50
That was fucking hard.
20:52
I've had to learn how to reclaim these parts, and it has been a slow rebuild, tenderly, compassionately remembering.
21:03
Who I am, and one of the things that surprised me during this podcast interview that I did, after sharing a little bit of my story, the host asked me, so who is Julie now?
21:16
And the words that came outta my mouth surprised me because today, Julie is someone who is really proud of herself.
21:26
I am proud of who I've become, and I am excited about who I am continuing to become.
21:32
I am proud of the healing that I have done.
21:35
I am proud of the work it has taken to untangle so many layers.
21:40
I am proud of what I have overcome.
21:47
I am grateful for my husband who has been incredibly patient with me through all of this.
21:53
I am grateful that I have had time to heal and something else surprised me is a part of me can now say thank you to my former business partner, because she played a very hard role in my life story.
22:08
And of course I still have days where I am fucking angry about it and I fucking am so resentful I can also see that I have been gifted freedom that these parts of the business that I didn't know how I was gonna manage, like I didn't want to miss out on.
22:31
nights where I could tuck my, child into bed because I was working at the dance studio, or I was trying to figure out how I could place my husband and my daughter first and not my dance studio and the dancers first.
22:47
I also wanted to know what it was like Not be responsible for the drama that was always happening within the dance studio.
22:53
People quitting people, upset people, you know, moving to other studios, the animosity, the competitiveness, like I didn't want my entire life to feel that way.
23:06
I wanted to know what it felt like to have peace or freedom You know, vacations where I can literally be on vacation and not answering emails from, disgruntled parents.
23:17
I wanted to know what it felt like to not feel like I'm either supporting or disappointing somebody because of the work that we're doing.
23:23
I didn't know how to manage running a highly competitive program while also nourishing it at a heart and soul level.
23:38
I also know that starting a business in my early twenties was not something I wanted to experience for the rest of my life.
23:45
That there was a huge part of me that wanted to know what, life felt like outside of the studio and losing my business opened the doorway into a life I have never known.
23:58
My previous episode on the podcast was about radical acceptance, and I can see how much losing my identity has brought me into a space of curiosity around radical acceptance.
24:13
Who am I?
24:15
Who do I get to become?
24:17
And one truth that came through during this podcast conversation was.
24:23
I have to take responsibility for my life and that can feel scary because for so long I was Miss Julie and I didn't know how to not be Miss Julie.
24:32
And I took a lot of pride in being Miss Julie to be honest with you.
24:35
And the question I dreaded most after I left the studio was, what do you do?
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Because once that answer was so easy, I own a dance studio.
24:45
I was a dance teacher, done clear, recognized, and then suddenly silence.
24:52
And what I'm realizing is I am deeply interested in the human experience because as hard and chaotic and confusing and painful, I literally spent nine years praying for peace and forgiveness.
25:11
And I'm grateful that I get to experience it, that I've been able to experience the shift.
25:17
I am grateful that I know what it feels like to lose an identity because losing identity reminds us we are not the role.
25:25
Now after nine years of healing, I can feel something else shifting.
25:30
Yes, I still have my sad days.
25:32
Yes, I still have my days where I am angry and resentful and pissed that I am starting all over because.
25:40
It's been hard.
25:41
It really has been hard.
25:42
Nobody wants to start over in life.
25:44
It feels like your life should continue to build, and I do miss so many parts of my old life.
25:50
I miss having creativity, constantly being woven in my day.
25:54
I miss teaching so much.
25:56
I miss being constantly in my body.
25:58
There are so many parts of my old life that I miss and I've had to grieve.
26:05
And what I'm realizing now is, I have been healing and dancing with, this identity crisis for nine years.
26:14
I am noticing that my brain is still scanning for what needs now to be fixed and healed.
26:21
What needs improvement?
26:23
I can feel that I am standing on a bridge right now, a bridge between healing and thriving that I've released for the most part, this identity of, well, I have released the the role of dance studio owner'cause that definitely is not my role.
26:42
But I still do dabble as a dance teacher every once in a while.
26:46
And for a long time my main role was healing.
26:50
Transitioning from surviving to thriving, and I don't know if I have ever fully experienced what it's like to thrive.
27:00
Even when I was in the dance world, even when I was a dance studio owner, there was still instability.
27:06
There was still a lack of nourishment.
27:09
There was still a huge, constant sense of survival.
27:15
I did not come from a strong family foundation.
27:18
I learned resilience early.
27:20
I learned independence early.
27:22
I learned survival early.
27:25
And now in my forties, I am learning how to build a foundation for myself.
27:31
And yes, sometimes that feels lonely, and sometimes I feel sad about that, that I did not come from a deeply rooted soil that naturally supported thriving.
27:43
But something is shifting because lately my mantra has been, I see the potential in myself.
27:50
I see potential everywhere.
27:52
Right now, My body has changed over the years.
27:55
I am not dancing every day.
27:56
I am sitting more honestly.
27:58
I sit here and I record these podcasts.
28:01
I sit when I'm doing one-on-one sessions.
28:03
I sit when I am writing or working on my website.
28:07
I'm creating in a different way.
28:09
And instead of meeting this new version of myself with a little shame.
28:16
I am able to meet it with curiosity.
28:19
I see the potential, the potential for vitality, for strength, for feeling vibrant again, but this time not from punishment or survival, but from possibility.
28:31
Because identity is not fixed.
28:34
Identity is fluid, and every once in a while it is powerful to do an identity check.
28:40
It is powerful to do an identity check every once in a while because it's important to ask is, this role helping me survive?
28:49
Is this role something that is just offering?
28:52
Comfort or is it helping me thrive?
28:58
Is this role keeping me safe, consistent?
29:03
It's what I know, or is it helping me expand?
29:09
Is this role aligned with who I am today or connected to who I need to be to get through something?
29:16
Sometimes thriving requires us to loosen the armor, and that is so hard sometimes thriving requires us to soften the grip to become curious again, what else can I experience in my life?
29:33
What else is there that I can be nourished from?
29:39
At 47, oh wait, at 47.
29:43
This is the first time in my life where I feel like thriving is possible for me, and I truly do know that I am on that bridge from healing to thriving.
29:55
And I am not fully there yet, but I am.
29:59
Deeply curious about what the next identity will be, what identity I get to create, embody from wholeness.
30:08
There is still uncertainty, but there is also excitement because something tells me it's going to come together quite brilliantly, and the hard part is trusting that.
30:19
Maybe identity crisis is actually identity evolution.
30:24
Oh, it's so hard though, you guys.
30:25
I'm telling you, it's so hard and maybe identity helped you survive.
30:30
It gave you a purpose, it gave you a role, and curiosity helps you thrive.
30:36
And maybe who you are becoming holds more potential than anything you have experienced before.
30:43
And maybe.
30:44
The real magic was never in the role or the identity that the truth is.
30:53
The magic has always simply just been you.
31:00
Thank you so much for listening to the podcast, supporting me in my journey and my story, and I am sending you so much love supporting you.
31:12
And your story and your journey, the magic is you.
31:17
Till next time.