Latest / Do You F*cking Mind? / 351. Am I The Drama?

Transcript

351. Am I The Drama? · Do You F*cking Mind?

• 0:00
  Speaker 1: Hello, my beautiful beans, Welcome to the episode of Today.
• 0:03
  Speaker 1: So this is an head noise episode.
• 0:05
  Speaker 2: It's kind of am I the Drama my the Red
• 0:08
  Speaker 2: Flag kind of situation.
• 0:11
  Speaker 1: Most of these questions are around friends, housemates, that kind
• 0:16
  Speaker 1: of dynamic, and they're very good questions. So I would
• 0:20
  Speaker 1: encourage you to stay tuned in and see if you can. Basically,
• 0:25
  Speaker 1: like so many times, you know, you'll hear someone else's
• 0:28
  Speaker 1: story and be like I have, you're telling you're fucking
• 0:32
  Speaker 1: speaking my truth here, like you are telling my story
• 0:35
  Speaker 1: of what I've gone down. So hopefully when I give
• 0:37
  Speaker 1: advice to these beans that have written in, it can
• 0:40
  Speaker 1: apply to a certain aspect.
• 0:41
  Speaker 2: Of your life as well.
• 0:42
  Speaker 1: Hopefully, well hopefully you're not going through this shit, so
• 0:44
  Speaker 1: maybe hopefully not. But anyway, I've got I'm going to
• 0:47
  Speaker 1: try and get through like four maybe five if we're.
• 0:51
  Speaker 2: Lucky, but we'll see how we go. Let's just get
• 0:53
  Speaker 2: straight into it. I'm in the zone. I'll tell you what.
• 0:57
  Speaker 2: I'll tell you fucking what.
• 0:58
  Speaker 1: I'm going to Europe again, right because I'm a psycho,
• 1:02
  Speaker 1: So I'm going again for my best friend Nikki's hens.
• 1:06
  Speaker 1: It's going to be extreme and if you guys are
• 1:08
  Speaker 1: listeners or punters, i should say, of their Happy Hour
• 1:11
  Speaker 1: with Lucy Nikki podcast, and you know all about this
• 1:14
  Speaker 1: Hens and it's going to be lit like I can't anyway.
• 1:17
  Speaker 1: So I'm gonna be gone for about three and a
• 1:19
  Speaker 1: half weeks. Tyrone is coming with me, obviously not to
• 1:21
  Speaker 1: the Hens. He's gonna be hanging out with Oli Nick's partner,
• 1:24
  Speaker 1: but he's coming with me to Europe. And I was
• 1:29
  Speaker 1: just like, I have just been to Europe.
• 1:31
  Speaker 2: It was amazing.
• 1:32
  Speaker 1: But one thing that I I've just got been such
• 1:35
  Speaker 1: a good zone with the podcast and I'm feeling really
• 1:37
  Speaker 1: good about it. I've just got this second wave of
• 1:40
  Speaker 1: just joy with the podcast that I don't want to
• 1:43
  Speaker 1: not be releasing episodes while I'm gone.
• 1:45
  Speaker 2: So Shania comes in too.
• 1:46
  Speaker 1: Now I'm like, babe, were fucking recording four episodes today
• 1:49
  Speaker 1: and she's probably.
• 1:49
  Speaker 2: Like, we won't, but I've been in this zone.
• 1:53
  Speaker 1: I think she's very pleasantly surprised with me, and this
• 1:55
  Speaker 1: is one of the four that I'm recording today, so
• 1:58
  Speaker 1: it's very exciting. I'm I'm I don't know. I woke
• 2:01
  Speaker 1: up at five thirty with the hop in my step.
• 2:04
  Speaker 1: Let's say, at what point in the day I crash
• 2:06
  Speaker 1: and burn, But I'm having a toasted cheese sandwich after this.
• 2:10
  Speaker 1: So if you listen to my episode on delayed gratification,
• 2:13
  Speaker 1: I am very excited about this doing these four episodes
• 2:16
  Speaker 1: for this cheese toasty. Now hopefully that's tempted you guys
• 2:20
  Speaker 1: to have a cheese toasting as you listen to this.
• 2:22
  Speaker 2: Anyway, let's get straight into it. I've got four maybe
• 2:25
  Speaker 2: five that we're gonna go through. Beans. Just before we
• 2:28
  Speaker 2: get into the topic of today, I.
• 2:30
  Speaker 1: Did want to speak about my audio book which is
• 2:34
  Speaker 1: coming out very soon. It is called How to Chase
• 2:36
  Speaker 1: Change Thirty Days to Master Your mindset. This audiobook is
• 2:41
  Speaker 1: I'm so excited for you guys to do it.
• 2:43
  Speaker 2: It's I think it's unreal. It goes for thirty days.
• 2:46
  Speaker 1: You listen to roughly ten minutes a day for thirty days,
• 2:49
  Speaker 1: and after every single session or module, you get either
• 2:53
  Speaker 1: a piece of homework, an exercise to do, or further
• 2:57
  Speaker 1: resources for you to further your knowledge in that time topic.
• 3:00
  Speaker 1: But there is something, a task or a resource every
• 3:03
  Speaker 1: single day for those thirty days you.
• 3:04
  Speaker 2: Can be doing it.
• 3:06
  Speaker 1: It can take you longer than the thirty days, but
• 3:08
  Speaker 1: it is designed for by the end of that thirty
• 3:12
  Speaker 1: day period, your life is absolutely transformed. You've got a
• 3:15
  Speaker 1: much better understanding of who you are and what you want.
• 3:18
  Speaker 1: If you want to pre order the book, just check
• 3:21
  Speaker 1: the link in the bio and you can click on
• 3:23
  Speaker 1: that link and pre order the book. It comes out
• 3:26
  Speaker 1: September tenth, so get your pre orders in. I'm so
• 3:30
  Speaker 1: excited and I can't wait to hear from you guys.
• 3:32
  Speaker 2: And hear what you think about the book. Let's begin.
• 3:36
  Speaker 1: I'm going to also read the titles if they're good,
• 3:38
  Speaker 1: because some of you guys have some great titles. Friend
• 3:40
  Speaker 1: group issues being left out. Hi, Alexis, I do really
• 3:45
  Speaker 1: love your podcast and I listen to it every day
• 3:47
  Speaker 1: while driving. I love that I decided to keep emailing
• 3:51
  Speaker 1: you my struggles, and I hope one time I can
• 3:52
  Speaker 1: have advice from the Queen. I just it's also bad
• 3:55
  Speaker 1: when people message me so many times and I either
• 3:57
  Speaker 1: miss it or don't say it. So I'm really happy
• 3:59
  Speaker 1: that I've seen this one. Especially with this situation, I
• 4:02
  Speaker 1: really don't know what to do. Last year, I was
• 4:05
  Speaker 1: in a friendship group with my best friend and his
• 4:07
  Speaker 1: girlfriend and another couple, so there's five people in the group.
• 4:11
  Speaker 1: We went on weekend holidays together and met up on
• 4:15
  Speaker 1: weekend evenings. The girlfriend of my best friend is always
• 4:18
  Speaker 1: the one that makes and arranges plans and invites everyone.
• 4:22
  Speaker 1: In the end of last year, the best friend and
• 4:24
  Speaker 1: I were drinking and unfortunately, so you're drinking with the
• 4:27
  Speaker 1: best friend who's the boyfriend of the girl that organizes everything,
• 4:31
  Speaker 1: and I was drinking. We were both drinking, and unfortunately
• 4:35
  Speaker 1: I fell asleep on his couch. This was the boundary
• 4:37
  Speaker 1: I crossed for the girlfriend, which she had told me before.
• 4:41
  Speaker 2: I apologized through text, but.
• 4:43
  Speaker 1: Until now I am still blocked on WhatsApp and social media.
• 4:48
  Speaker 2: Fucking hell. I was also removed from the group chat
• 4:52
  Speaker 2: by her.
• 4:53
  Speaker 1: She told my best friend it was not on purpose,
• 4:56
  Speaker 1: but as a consequence when you block someone on WhatsApp,
• 4:59
  Speaker 1: which doesn't work that way. I'm sorry, but as a
• 5:02
  Speaker 1: consequence when you block someone and what's up? Yeah, right,
• 5:04
  Speaker 1: So she's obviously blocked you on whatsap, removes you from
• 5:06
  Speaker 1: the group, but now she can't really add you back
• 5:07
  Speaker 1: because she's blocked you.
• 5:08
  Speaker 2: I get it. My best friend added me again, but
• 5:10
  Speaker 2: a month later, the girlfriend was inviting everyone in the
• 5:13
  Speaker 2: group chat for her birthday, but not me. So you're
• 5:16
  Speaker 2: in the group chat but now not getting invited. Great.
• 5:18
  Speaker 2: I felt very left out and left to the chat.
• 5:22
  Speaker 1: Fair If there's only five people in the fucking group
• 5:25
  Speaker 1: and everyone's in three of the four, she's inviting three
• 5:28
  Speaker 1: of the four people in the group, fair enough. Since then,
• 5:32
  Speaker 1: nothing's changed, I'm not invited for new plans anymore, and
• 5:35
  Speaker 1: for the plans I was already invited to before it
• 5:37
  Speaker 1: all happened, I didn't feel welcome anymore, so I did
• 5:40
  Speaker 1: not go. Besides this friend group, I do not have
• 5:42
  Speaker 1: any good friends, and I find it very difficult to connect.
• 5:45
  Speaker 2: I missed this friend.
• 5:46
  Speaker 1: Group a lot, as they were all very supporting and
• 5:49
  Speaker 1: caring for me in good and very bad times. I
• 5:51
  Speaker 1: still hang out with my best friend, but not often,
• 5:54
  Speaker 1: as it keeps reminding me of me not being invited
• 5:56
  Speaker 1: to fun plans anymore. When I ask him why he
• 5:59
  Speaker 1: doesn't invite me, he says that I made the choice
• 6:01
  Speaker 1: to leave the group chat. That's a bit loaded, though,
• 6:04
  Speaker 1: I'll go into that. But even when I would be
• 6:06
  Speaker 1: invited now, I would still not feel welcome, as she
• 6:10
  Speaker 1: is the planner and the girlfriend of the only friend
• 6:12
  Speaker 1: of the group. I am still talking to the other
• 6:15
  Speaker 1: couple I was referring to. Is a lot closer with
• 6:17
  Speaker 1: the couple than with me, as they've known each other
• 6:20
  Speaker 1: for many years, so I.
• 6:21
  Speaker 2: Do not feel comfortable to make plans with them separately.
• 6:23
  Speaker 1: Fair enough, I really need your advice to navigate my
• 6:26
  Speaker 1: thoughts on this situation as I do not know what
• 6:28
  Speaker 1: to do. It makes me very sad almost every day
• 6:30
  Speaker 1: thinking about it. Hope you find time to read this
• 6:32
  Speaker 1: and share it on the podcast. Okay, thank you so
• 6:36
  Speaker 1: much for writing it. This is a great, great question,
• 6:39
  Speaker 1: and I think a lot of people would battle with
• 6:42
  Speaker 1: something along these lines of kind of being cut out
• 6:44
  Speaker 1: without really having a chance to mend anything. Firstly, and
• 6:49
  Speaker 1: this is not something that you can control, but I'm
• 6:51
  Speaker 1: just going to give you my two cents. I think
• 6:53
  Speaker 1: she is being out of line, extremely out of line,
• 6:57
  Speaker 1: for several reasons. I mean, everyone's got their boundaries when
• 7:01
  Speaker 1: it comes to who's staying whatever. If Tyrone's best friend
• 7:04
  Speaker 1: was a female and slept on the couch, I just
• 7:08
  Speaker 1: would have trust in Tyrone and his you know what
• 7:11
  Speaker 1: I mean, Like you either trust or you don't trust. Okay,
• 7:14
  Speaker 1: and if someone's your friend, I think you should be
• 7:17
  Speaker 1: able to sleep on the couch. But again, this is
• 7:19
  Speaker 1: just like something you can't control. I'm not saying that
• 7:20
  Speaker 1: you need to say anything. I just think it's it's
• 7:23
  Speaker 1: a difficult position you've been put in. Also, why is
• 7:26
  Speaker 1: it that you are bearing the punishment but your best friend,
• 7:31
  Speaker 1: her boyfriend goes completely unscathed.
• 7:33
  Speaker 2: I hate, hate, hate, hate when this is a fucking
• 7:37
  Speaker 2: pet hate.
• 7:37
  Speaker 1: If we want to talk about pet hate, when your
• 7:39
  Speaker 1: partner has done something that pisces you off with somebody else,
• 7:42
  Speaker 1: whether it's like something that just looks bad but isn't bad,
• 7:45
  Speaker 1: like your situation where she obviously thought it looked bad
• 7:47
  Speaker 1: but obviously doesn't think anything went down, or when they
• 7:50
  Speaker 1: actually do the wrong thing and that individual then.
• 7:52
  Speaker 2: Goes on and attacks the other person, not their partner.
• 7:55
  Speaker 1: It's like they're angry at their partner, but because they're
• 7:58
  Speaker 1: choosing to be with them, the only person they can
• 8:00
  Speaker 1: really lash out at is the other person. And maybe
• 8:03
  Speaker 1: it's like an indirect way of punishing her partner by
• 8:06
  Speaker 1: trying to out you, so it hurts him because of
• 8:08
  Speaker 1: you know, now you're not in the friendship group but
• 8:10
  Speaker 1: it is so immature, it's beyond a joke. But again,
• 8:13
  Speaker 1: all of these things I've just said is me venting
• 8:15
  Speaker 1: on your behalf and nothing you can actually control. What
• 8:19
  Speaker 1: you could control is I would have one really heartfelt
• 8:25
  Speaker 1: talk to the best friend and say before I talk
• 8:30
  Speaker 1: about anything about being left out, and what I want
• 8:32
  Speaker 1: you to understand the perspective of why I left the chat. Okay, Firstly,
• 8:37
  Speaker 1: the only reason I got brought back into the group
• 8:39
  Speaker 1: was because you ended up bringing me back into the group.
• 8:43
  Speaker 1: And it still wasn't like a decision of your girlfriend
• 8:45
  Speaker 1: to change her mind or one amends thing number one.
• 8:48
  Speaker 1: So at no point have I ever gotten this intention
• 8:52
  Speaker 1: of repair from your girlfriend. Then I was not being
• 8:55
  Speaker 1: invited to events, but I'm this awkward, fucking turtle chilling
• 8:59
  Speaker 1: in that group and nobody is acknowledging the fact that
• 9:03
  Speaker 1: I haven't been invited, and there's only it's not like
• 9:05
  Speaker 1: it's a group of twenty people, it's well five people.
• 9:09
  Speaker 1: What would have been appropriate would have been if she's
• 9:11
  Speaker 1: only going to invite a handful of them, to have
• 9:13
  Speaker 1: a separate group chat and just say hey guy or
• 9:15
  Speaker 1: text people, but to do it in front of you
• 9:17
  Speaker 1: that's just catchy behavior in my opinion. So what I
• 9:21
  Speaker 1: would do is I would have the talk and I'd
• 9:23
  Speaker 1: say I'd love to be in the group if the
• 9:25
  Speaker 1: dynamics were the same. Again, the reason I left was
• 9:27
  Speaker 1: because of these dynamics, I was being pushed out. I
• 9:31
  Speaker 1: was almost like it's like I was being nudged to
• 9:34
  Speaker 1: the edge and all I had to.
• 9:35
  Speaker 2: Do was step off the edge.
• 9:36
  Speaker 1: It's not like everyone was being so lovely and including me,
• 9:38
  Speaker 1: and I had, like, you know, a tantrum and decided
• 9:40
  Speaker 1: to leave. So there was reason behind me exiting the chat.
• 9:44
  Speaker 1: The second thing is that I did try and repair
• 9:45
  Speaker 1: as she wasn't willing to repair. So because he is
• 9:47
  Speaker 1: your best friend, I would have this conversation with him
• 9:49
  Speaker 1: first and I'd say, I really want things to go
• 9:52
  Speaker 1: back to how they were.
• 9:53
  Speaker 2: I feel like, you know, if she trusts you, then
• 9:57
  Speaker 2: she should trust everything.
• 9:59
  Speaker 1: And this, you know, me sleeping on the couch, okay,
• 10:02
  Speaker 1: it's upset her and she did mention that it wasn't okay,
• 10:04
  Speaker 1: and I want to repair it. But is that enough
• 10:07
  Speaker 1: to completely forgive you but not forgive me? Like where
• 10:11
  Speaker 1: is the fairness in that? And then I would request
• 10:14
  Speaker 1: one more time to meet with the girl, and I
• 10:17
  Speaker 1: would just explain my peace. I would obviously say it
• 10:19
  Speaker 1: in a way that she feels comfortable to talk how
• 10:21
  Speaker 1: she feels, but you know, I just feel like this
• 10:26
  Speaker 1: it's almost like, yes, she's the organizer off the group,
• 10:28
  Speaker 1: but she kind of feels like, in a way, the
• 10:30
  Speaker 1: leader of the group, like she has the group by
• 10:33
  Speaker 1: the balls. Obviously, because that other couple, yeah, get their
• 10:37
  Speaker 1: friends with them more than with you, but you know,
• 10:40
  Speaker 1: they obviously don't feel like they're in a position to say, now,
• 10:42
  Speaker 1: let's just bring her back into the group or reach
• 10:44
  Speaker 1: out to you individually and say hey, let's hang out.
• 10:46
  Speaker 1: Like obviously she's kind of running the show right now.
• 10:49
  Speaker 1: So I would speak to the part, speak to your
• 10:51
  Speaker 1: best friend, and say, this is kind of how I feel,
• 10:53
  Speaker 1: this is where it's at. I really want back in
• 10:55
  Speaker 1: this friendship group because I value you guys, I love
• 10:58
  Speaker 1: you guys. However, if it's going to be the dynamics
• 11:00
  Speaker 1: of how it was, then no, and that is why
• 11:02
  Speaker 1: I left. Because I'm also not gonna sit around here
• 11:05
  Speaker 1: and be treated like shit, believe it or not.
• 11:07
  Speaker 2: I've got better things to do.
• 11:09
  Speaker 1: Hence why I fucking left, But I if there's the
• 11:11
  Speaker 1: opportunity for all of us to come and meet in
• 11:14
  Speaker 1: the middle and repair, I will leap at that opportunity, okay.
• 11:18
  Speaker 1: And then I would reach out to her independently of
• 11:23
  Speaker 1: that conversation and say the same thing. Obviously in a
• 11:27
  Speaker 1: nice way, but that's what I would do. And then
• 11:30
  Speaker 1: once all these things are exhausted. It's really fucking sad.
• 11:35
  Speaker 1: But all you can do is if someone is going
• 11:38
  Speaker 1: to push you away, the last thing you're gonna do
• 11:41
  Speaker 1: is to beg them to see the value in you
• 11:44
  Speaker 1: and what you have to give as a friend. If
• 11:46
  Speaker 1: she doesn't want to see your value as a friend,
• 11:47
  Speaker 1: that's on her, okay. And you obviously had a good
• 11:51
  Speaker 1: friendship prior to that. So if she's choosing to conduct
• 11:55
  Speaker 1: herself in this way, it's hurting you, but it's ultimately
• 11:58
  Speaker 1: going to be her responsibility. So what I would do
• 12:00
  Speaker 1: is I would just have to do my best. So
• 12:03
  Speaker 1: I've got no regrets walking away. I think if you
• 12:06
  Speaker 1: walk away now, you're going to really suffer thinking maybe
• 12:08
  Speaker 1: there was more left on the table that I could
• 12:10
  Speaker 1: have done. So put it out on the table. Then,
• 12:13
  Speaker 1: even if you're sad about it, at least.
• 12:14
  Speaker 2: You've got no regrets.
• 12:15
  Speaker 1: If they turn around and say no, it's not changing this,
• 12:18
  Speaker 1: it's that at least you can walk around not regretting
• 12:20
  Speaker 1: that you went back and tried to repair it.
• 12:22
  Speaker 2: You walk around, walk out with your head held high,
• 12:24
  Speaker 2: saying I now know I'll have no regrets.
• 12:27
  Speaker 1: I did what I could, okay, because you did everything
• 12:30
  Speaker 1: that's within your control. Every time you're dealing with a
• 12:33
  Speaker 1: friendship breakup or a relationship breakup, you always have to think,
• 12:36
  Speaker 1: did I do what was in my control. If the
• 12:38
  Speaker 1: answer is yes, then there can be no regrets. Even
• 12:40
  Speaker 1: if they turn around and don't want to be with
• 12:42
  Speaker 1: you and don't want friendship. It is what it is,
• 12:44
  Speaker 1: but that's all you can do. I just think she's
• 12:47
  Speaker 1: being immature, But unfortunately there's you can't control that, which
• 12:50
  Speaker 1: is fucked. But thank you for writing and I really
• 12:53
  Speaker 1: appreciate that. Next question, the topic is friend invert Commas
• 13:00
  Speaker 1: friend problems.
• 13:02
  Speaker 2: Hi. Alexis longtime listener and fan here.
• 13:05
  Speaker 1: I absolutely adore your work and the wonderful community of
• 13:08
  Speaker 1: badass people you've created.
• 13:09
  Speaker 2: Thank you.
• 13:11
  Speaker 1: When in times of uncertainty or self doubt, I always
• 13:14
  Speaker 1: find myself gravitating back to the podcast, sifting through hundreds
• 13:18
  Speaker 1: of episodes and read listening to whichever I'm most in
• 13:20
  Speaker 1: need of at that time.
• 13:22
  Speaker 2: That is, Oh, I love that these.
• 13:25
  Speaker 1: Messages that you guys write, and I literally like save
• 13:28
  Speaker 1: all these beautiful things that you write to me because
• 13:30
  Speaker 1: it really is just so amazing to read.
• 13:33
  Speaker 2: I'm so very lucky to have a wonderful partner who
• 13:36
  Speaker 2: grounds and supports me in everything I do. However, when
• 13:39
  Speaker 2: it comes to friends, I often feel like I struggle.
• 13:42
  Speaker 2: Many of my long term friends are currently in different
• 13:44
  Speaker 2: life stages to me, which is fine, and I feel
• 13:46
  Speaker 2: comfortable with the quality of our friendship. However, lately, I'm
• 13:50
  Speaker 2: feeling like other people who have come into my life
• 13:52
  Speaker 2: who I considered to be friends do not wish the
• 13:55
  Speaker 2: best for me, and are at times jealous and do
• 13:58
  Speaker 2: not always protect my name in rooms I'm not present in.
• 14:02
  Speaker 2: That's not good.
• 14:03
  Speaker 1: For some context, I partake in a competitive sport, have
• 14:06
  Speaker 1: had some recent success, and have had people I thought
• 14:09
  Speaker 1: were friends reiterate to me that others have been speaking
• 14:13
  Speaker 1: ill and that they in turn engaged in that conversation
• 14:16
  Speaker 1: without defending me or my character, wild that they're admitting
• 14:20
  Speaker 1: that to you like.
• 14:20
  Speaker 2: People are cooked.
• 14:21
  Speaker 1: They're cooked, can'ts on this earth? You don't need to
• 14:25
  Speaker 1: be told that, obviously you're witnessing it. I feel as
• 14:27
  Speaker 1: if I am being white anted by these people. I'm
• 14:30
  Speaker 1: going to go into what white anting means because it's
• 14:32
  Speaker 1: a great term. I feel like I cannot trust them,
• 14:34
  Speaker 1: and I am disappointed, and I know I would never
• 14:38
  Speaker 1: do to them as I believe they have done to me.
• 14:40
  Speaker 1: Am I being too sensitive? Do I simply need to
• 14:43
  Speaker 1: limit their access to my inner circle? Do I need
• 14:46
  Speaker 1: to accept that people talk and move the fuck on?
• 14:49
  Speaker 1: My partner and I talk about this often and how
• 14:51
  Speaker 1: I put so much into those I consider my friends,
• 14:54
  Speaker 1: only to be let down when they're not on my
• 14:56
  Speaker 1: side or.
• 14:57
  Speaker 2: In my team.
• 14:59
  Speaker 1: I would love for you to do podcast on white
• 15:00
  Speaker 1: anting and dealing with people talking about you. Anyway, my
• 15:03
  Speaker 1: vent is over. I love your podcast, Thrive on the books,
• 15:06
  Speaker 1: and look forward to seeing what other greatness lies in
• 15:08
  Speaker 1: store for you. Thank you so much, great great email.
• 15:11
  Speaker 1: Thank you for sending that through. Let's quickly talk about
• 15:13
  Speaker 1: what white anting is. So white anting is basically like
• 15:16
  Speaker 1: what white ants do, where you basically erode something from
• 15:19
  Speaker 1: the inside. So it's like where you're getting people when
• 15:21
  Speaker 1: it comes to relationships, it's like where they're sabotaging it
• 15:24
  Speaker 1: from within. So it's like a friendship externally, but really
• 15:27
  Speaker 1: they're like bitching about you or gossiping all that. So
• 15:29
  Speaker 1: that is white anting. Now in this situation, I've got
• 15:33
  Speaker 1: a whole episode which deals with, you know, the different
• 15:36
  Speaker 1: levels of friendships that you kind of entertained. That podcast
• 15:42
  Speaker 1: is like I think number two hundred and thirty six
• 15:44
  Speaker 1: or something. But basically what I talk about is you've
• 15:48
  Speaker 1: got all these levels of friendships and not everyone has
• 15:52
  Speaker 1: to either be a friend or an acquaintance. So for me,
• 15:55
  Speaker 1: for example, I've got my inner circle friends that's like
• 15:59
  Speaker 1: the close friends who I would feel comfortable discussing very
• 16:04
  Speaker 1: personally intimate things too, about my weaknesses, my things that
• 16:08
  Speaker 1: I have fucked up in I have I can open
• 16:10
  Speaker 1: up and every everything right. And also where they feel
• 16:15
  Speaker 1: comfortable to do the same with me. That's in a
• 16:17
  Speaker 1: circle Vibes. That's the Lives, the Leuses, and the Nikki
• 16:19
  Speaker 1: that's you know, the inner circle, and also my cousins
• 16:23
  Speaker 1: and my sister.
• 16:25
  Speaker 2: Then you've got peripheral friends friends.
• 16:27
  Speaker 1: That are close epic amazing but they're not your ride
• 16:31
  Speaker 1: or die. They're not the person you call in your
• 16:33
  Speaker 1: hour of need. It's not a flaw on the friendship.
• 16:36
  Speaker 1: They're just a bit more peripheral, bit more of the outside.
• 16:39
  Speaker 1: You catch up with it, but not as often as
• 16:41
  Speaker 1: you're in a circle. You maybe tell them important things,
• 16:44
  Speaker 1: but maybe not the deepest things about you. You maybe
• 16:48
  Speaker 1: give them an overview of a catch up on what happened,
• 16:51
  Speaker 1: but you're not, like, they're not going through the trenches
• 16:53
  Speaker 1: of the.
• 16:53
  Speaker 2: Dramas with you in your life.
• 16:55
  Speaker 1: So it's kind of that outer circle of great people
• 16:58
  Speaker 1: that you love, but it's just not that level of intimacy. Okay,
• 17:03
  Speaker 1: I'm when I say intimacy, I'm not saying that you
• 17:05
  Speaker 1: need to physically see them all the time. You could
• 17:06
  Speaker 1: have an inner circle friend that lives on the other
• 17:07
  Speaker 1: side of the world. It's about emotional intimacy and that
• 17:10
  Speaker 1: emotional relationship that you hold. Then you've got good times friends.
• 17:13
  Speaker 1: So these are the people that are there for a
• 17:15
  Speaker 1: fucking good time, but you're not relying on them that
• 17:17
  Speaker 1: you know.
• 17:17
  Speaker 2: They're a flake.
• 17:18
  Speaker 1: They're probably like pretty unrelied, but they're fun. They're fun
• 17:22
  Speaker 1: and they bring up the best in you and you
• 17:23
  Speaker 1: laugh at them.
• 17:24
  Speaker 2: You can share good times.
• 17:25
  Speaker 1: A lot of the times people get really disappointed when
• 17:27
  Speaker 1: they have this crazy chemistry with a good time friend
• 17:30
  Speaker 1: and expect inner circle qualities from that good time from
• 17:33
  Speaker 1: lower expectations. Okay, and think, let's just let's an fun
• 17:38
  Speaker 1: friend here, not a close inner circle, but a good time.
• 17:41
  Speaker 1: Then you've got like then there's all these other categories.
• 17:43
  Speaker 2: Okay, you can listen to that episode.
• 17:44
  Speaker 1: But what my point here is, I want you to
• 17:47
  Speaker 1: get really clear on what your inner circle friend is,
• 17:51
  Speaker 1: and only you can determine what that looks like. You
• 17:53
  Speaker 1: have to come up with the criteria of what you
• 17:56
  Speaker 1: consider a friendship to be. If I found out that
• 18:00
  Speaker 1: my best friend was engaging in a conversation where they
• 18:04
  Speaker 1: were bitching about me, I would first want to know
• 18:07
  Speaker 1: what the topic was. So, for example, if I had
• 18:10
  Speaker 1: done something like for the why I'm saying this is
• 18:15
  Speaker 1: Unlike a lot of people, I do not believe that
• 18:17
  Speaker 1: my best friends have to agree with me in order
• 18:19
  Speaker 1: to have my back.
• 18:20
  Speaker 2: I have no.
• 18:21
  Speaker 1: Problem no problem with my best friends saying love you,
• 18:24
  Speaker 1: but you're in the wrong here. I don't think it's
• 18:27
  Speaker 1: healthy to be like you were supposed to have my back,
• 18:29
  Speaker 1: it's like, can't if we're morally down the line on
• 18:31
  Speaker 1: that topic. I don't have to have your back. I'll
• 18:33
  Speaker 1: be there for you, but I don't have to agree
• 18:34
  Speaker 1: with you.
• 18:35
  Speaker 2: I don't have to fight your fight when you're being
• 18:36
  Speaker 2: an immature caun't right. I don't have to. So if
• 18:40
  Speaker 2: liv was talking to Lucy, two of.
• 18:42
  Speaker 1: My best friends, about let's say, let's say I had
• 18:47
  Speaker 1: an argument with somebody and I was in the wrong
• 18:50
  Speaker 1: or the way I carried on was inappropriate, and then
• 18:53
  Speaker 1: I found out that Live was talking to Lucy about
• 18:55
  Speaker 1: it and they were both saying, wow, that was really
• 18:56
  Speaker 1: inappropriated for Lexis, I would be okay with that. I mean,
• 19:00
  Speaker 1: but I'd be like, I have to eat that because
• 19:03
  Speaker 1: it is something that they morally don't align with me,
• 19:06
  Speaker 1: and they are discussing it because we're all close friends.
• 19:08
  Speaker 2: I wouldn't see that as bitching.
• 19:10
  Speaker 1: I'd be like, yeah, well, I've got to eat that
• 19:12
  Speaker 1: because I did carry on like a fucking pork chop,
• 19:14
  Speaker 1: and now you're discussing my inappropriate behavior away from me,
• 19:18
  Speaker 1: and we're all really close friends. So to be dead honest,
• 19:20
  Speaker 1: I would have to accept that kind of grime. I
• 19:22
  Speaker 1: gives a little bit because no one wants to be
• 19:23
  Speaker 1: spoken about negatively. But it's just that's just life.
• 19:26
  Speaker 2: Okay. However, if someone was saying to Live, oh my god,
• 19:29
  Speaker 2: who does a Lexus think she is? With the fucking
• 19:31
  Speaker 2: podcast and hahaha, she thinks this and.
• 19:33
  Speaker 1: It was just genuinely being mean and Caddy and whatever,
• 19:36
  Speaker 1: and if Live turned around.
• 19:37
  Speaker 2: Was like, oh my god, lol, right and and then
• 19:39
  Speaker 2: added to it, I'd be disappointed. Then I'd be hurt.
• 19:42
  Speaker 1: I'd be hurt because I was like, that was unnecessary,
• 19:45
  Speaker 1: That wasn't a debrief. That was just mean, you know.
• 19:49
  Speaker 1: So you've got to look at it as what are
• 19:51
  Speaker 1: they saying behind your back? And is it just like
• 19:52
  Speaker 1: a moral misalignment and it's kind of them just debriefing,
• 19:56
  Speaker 1: or are they just really tearing you down when you're
• 19:58
  Speaker 1: not there.
• 20:00
  Speaker 2: If someone's tearing you down when you're.
• 20:01
  Speaker 1: Not there, that is not an inner circle friend, and
• 20:03
  Speaker 1: you have the right to be disappointed and you're not
• 20:05
  Speaker 1: being too sensitive. That's how I look at it, because
• 20:08
  Speaker 1: I can debrief about all my friends and things that
• 20:10
  Speaker 1: I agree or disagree on, but I would never never
• 20:13
  Speaker 1: tear them down I would never try and get someone
• 20:15
  Speaker 1: to agree with me on like bringing someone down and
• 20:18
  Speaker 1: you know, saying that they're.
• 20:19
  Speaker 2: Not good enough or not this or not that.
• 20:22
  Speaker 1: I wouldn't do that, especially if they're my inner circle friends,
• 20:25
  Speaker 1: you know, because it's this mutual respect. So if I
• 20:28
  Speaker 1: were you, I would number one get very clear on
• 20:30
  Speaker 1: what your inner circle friends is.
• 20:32
  Speaker 2: And number two decide was this.
• 20:35
  Speaker 1: Conversation appropriate or not by my standards whether I like
• 20:38
  Speaker 1: it or not. Put aside the liking of the conversation,
• 20:40
  Speaker 1: is it appropriate or not?
• 20:42
  Speaker 2: Okay? And then number.
• 20:44
  Speaker 1: Three ask yourself, can I still be friends with these
• 20:46
  Speaker 1: people but just not inner circle friends?
• 20:48
  Speaker 2: Can they be peripheral or good times friends. When you
• 20:52
  Speaker 2: lower your expectations, when you manage your ex not even lower,
• 20:56
  Speaker 2: but manage your expectations around different groups of people, you'll
• 21:00
  Speaker 2: be so much happier, so much happier.
• 21:02
  Speaker 1: Because someone who maybe said something that was not nice
• 21:05
  Speaker 1: about you, but you're like, yeah, but I don't have
• 21:07
  Speaker 1: that crazy expectation of you to be this elite inner
• 21:09
  Speaker 1: circle friend, so.
• 21:11
  Speaker 2: I can still have a lot of fun with you.
• 21:12
  Speaker 1: I can be okay with the fact that you said
• 21:13
  Speaker 1: that shit about me, because really, you're not my right
• 21:15
  Speaker 1: or die.
• 21:16
  Speaker 2: We're here for good times.
• 21:17
  Speaker 1: I'm going to be there for you as well, but
• 21:19
  Speaker 1: I'm not putting this labelers like you are my person
• 21:22
  Speaker 1: because you're not, and you don't have my back, and
• 21:24
  Speaker 1: that is okay. We can still have fun when you
• 21:28
  Speaker 1: start to release this pressure on people that aren't meeting
• 21:32
  Speaker 1: you where you are meeting them, honestly, you know, you
• 21:36
  Speaker 1: release that resistance, you release those expectations, and you just
• 21:39
  Speaker 1: have way more fun. And then the real inner circle
• 21:41
  Speaker 1: people really come to light, and those are the relationships
• 21:45
  Speaker 1: that you spend the most time nurturing and gardening and watering,
• 21:50
  Speaker 1: and then the other relationships you give your time to,
• 21:52
  Speaker 1: but it's not like the amount of effort and energy
• 21:54
  Speaker 1: you put into those like really close inner circle friends.
• 21:57
  Speaker 2: So are you being too sensitive?
• 21:58
  Speaker 1: Absolutely not, not in my opinion, because you set the
• 22:01
  Speaker 1: standard for what you want a friendship to look like,
• 22:03
  Speaker 1: not other people, and then if you both align, that's
• 22:06
  Speaker 1: where you get a best friend. Co question, this one
• 22:09
  Speaker 1: is called double standard friendship. Hi girl, Bit of a
• 22:13
  Speaker 1: long story, it's actually not that long, so you've done well.
• 22:16
  Speaker 1: Bit of a long one, But I've got a sticky
• 22:18
  Speaker 1: situation that needs your help, please. So basically, I sensed
• 22:22
  Speaker 1: a while back that my best friend and roommate was
• 22:26
  Speaker 1: maybe jealous of my relationship. She would always complain about
• 22:29
  Speaker 1: not having a boyfriend and how me and her were
• 22:31
  Speaker 1: both single and having fun together, but now she's all alone.
• 22:35
  Speaker 1: And when I first got with my boyfriend, I couldn't
• 22:37
  Speaker 1: I could tell she wasn't very impressed, and every time
• 22:41
  Speaker 1: I would bring him up or mention his name, she
• 22:43
  Speaker 1: would act so uninterested or change the subject. She would
• 22:46
  Speaker 1: even make rude remarks about him and to his face,
• 22:49
  Speaker 1: and complained to my other roommate about him being over
• 22:52
  Speaker 1: in our house. So she's got an issue with him
• 22:55
  Speaker 1: coming over. She's kind of got jealousy going on. I
• 22:57
  Speaker 1: tried my best to keep the peace, and often she
• 23:00
  Speaker 1: didn't see him as much as I'd like in order
• 23:02
  Speaker 1: to keep her happy. He also sensed that she didn't
• 23:05
  Speaker 1: like him and felt weary being around her, which upsets
• 23:08
  Speaker 1: me so much because he is genuinely such a lovely
• 23:11
  Speaker 1: boy with the kindest heart ever. I would almost understand
• 23:14
  Speaker 1: her being this way if she felt that he was
• 23:16
  Speaker 1: trading me wrong. But I can completely and wholeheartedly say
• 23:20
  Speaker 1: he is the most loving and caring boyfriend ever who
• 23:23
  Speaker 1: tries to be friendly towards her even.
• 23:24
  Speaker 2: When she's being rude. Sweet Angel, We love that so much,
• 23:28
  Speaker 2: Sweet doll.
• 23:29
  Speaker 1: Fast forward a few months, she now has a boyfriend
• 23:33
  Speaker 1: and constantly is comparing him to my boyfriend, which is
• 23:37
  Speaker 1: really frustrating. I know her boyfriend. Sorry, I knew her
• 23:40
  Speaker 1: boyfriend before she did, as he was a mutual friend
• 23:43
  Speaker 1: and he would often talk to me and text me,
• 23:46
  Speaker 1: and I could sense she was getting jealous of this
• 23:48
  Speaker 1: and even told me that I was all over him
• 23:51
  Speaker 1: once when I was simply having a conversation with him
• 23:54
  Speaker 1: in front of her. It's really frustrating as I don't
• 23:57
  Speaker 1: know what to do. It's really frustrating as I don't
• 23:59
  Speaker 1: know what to do, and I don't want to be
• 24:01
  Speaker 1: rude and not talk to her boyfriend and make him
• 24:04
  Speaker 1: feel uncomfortable in our home the way she does to mine. Also,
• 24:07
  Speaker 1: she has him over twenty foor seven and he's basically
• 24:11
  Speaker 1: and she has basically moved him in yet complained when
• 24:14
  Speaker 1: my boyfriend came over once a week. It feels very
• 24:17
  Speaker 1: double standards and I don't know how to move forward
• 24:20
  Speaker 1: with this. We also live together which makes it all
• 24:23
  Speaker 1: the more difficult.
• 24:24
  Speaker 2: Please tell me what I can do.
• 24:26
  Speaker 1: Okay, let's address things one at a time. Her comparing
• 24:29
  Speaker 1: her boyfriend to your boyfriend is either her feeling that
• 24:34
  Speaker 1: she's in competition with you.
• 24:39
  Speaker 2: Okay.
• 24:40
  Speaker 1: When you draw these comparisons, it's because you feel threatened.
• 24:44
  Speaker 1: It would not happen if you did not feel threatened.
• 24:46
  Speaker 1: My girlfriends have the most beautiful men, and I've got
• 24:51
  Speaker 1: the most beautiful man in Tyrone, and I can just
• 24:54
  Speaker 1: appreciate them all for just the legends that they are.
• 24:56
  Speaker 1: The Last thing I'm gonna do is compare Tyrone to
• 24:58
  Speaker 1: them for many reasons, the main one being that they're.
• 25:02
  Speaker 2: Their own, beautiful individual people. I have no need to.
• 25:06
  Speaker 2: You know, I'm thrilled where I am at.
• 25:08
  Speaker 1: I love the scenario I'm in, so there's no need
• 25:11
  Speaker 1: to compare. Like it doesn't cross my mind if she
• 25:14
  Speaker 1: felt that way, there'd be no need to compare. You
• 25:17
  Speaker 1: are not comparing because you're thrilled with your partner, You
• 25:20
  Speaker 1: feel really good, you love him, you're very happy.
• 25:22
  Speaker 2: Okay.
• 25:22
  Speaker 1: So that comes from a place of insecurity. So with
• 25:25
  Speaker 1: the comparisons, I would just you can't change that in her.
• 25:29
  Speaker 1: You could try and say something, but really it just
• 25:31
  Speaker 1: comes down to that side'd be like, well that's where
• 25:33
  Speaker 1: it's coming from.
• 25:34
  Speaker 2: Can I manage how I feel around that or not?
• 25:36
  Speaker 2: But there's that.
• 25:38
  Speaker 1: Then you've got to look at the double standards with
• 25:40
  Speaker 1: your living environment. This has to be addressed because you
• 25:43
  Speaker 1: live together. Because when you choose to move in with
• 25:45
  Speaker 1: a friend, whether you establish it prior or whether you
• 25:48
  Speaker 1: have to establish it later, there's got to be another
• 25:50
  Speaker 1: layer in that relationship, and that layer is given that
• 25:53
  Speaker 1: we live together. This has to be a place where
• 25:56
  Speaker 1: we can have an open conversation about a lot of shit,
• 26:00
  Speaker 1: and we have to be able to listen to what
• 26:02
  Speaker 1: the other person says because we live together, we share
• 26:05
  Speaker 1: a home. So this requires you to call some sort
• 26:10
  Speaker 1: of a meeting with her. I would prep her for
• 26:14
  Speaker 1: the meeting. I would say, how, I want to discuss
• 26:16
  Speaker 1: some things about our living arrangement. When are you good
• 26:19
  Speaker 1: to chat this week? So it's a meeting about the house, okay,
• 26:24
  Speaker 1: the environment that you live in.
• 26:25
  Speaker 2: That is crucial. And then what I would do once
• 26:28
  Speaker 2: you do call that meeting and the meeting has to
• 26:30
  Speaker 2: be called okay, if she keeps avoiding it, then you
• 26:32
  Speaker 2: can just look at her in the face and say, babe,
• 26:33
  Speaker 2: there's many things that we need to talk about. Let
• 26:35
  Speaker 2: me know the time that you're free.
• 26:36
  Speaker 1: She has to agree to it, and I mean, look,
• 26:38
  Speaker 1: if she doesn't, you can do this all in writing.
• 26:40
  Speaker 1: But then when you talk, just say this is what
• 26:42
  Speaker 1: I would say. When I first started dating my partner,
• 26:46
  Speaker 1: you had a lot of issues with it, and out
• 26:49
  Speaker 1: of respect for you and how you felt and how
• 26:51
  Speaker 1: uncomfortable you felt with him being over at certain times,
• 26:54
  Speaker 1: I limited the amount of time that he was over,
• 26:57
  Speaker 1: which is fine.
• 26:58
  Speaker 2: It is what it is. It's in the past.
• 27:00
  Speaker 1: Now you have your boyfriend ever so often and I
• 27:03
  Speaker 1: get along with them.
• 27:04
  Speaker 2: Fine, he's great.
• 27:05
  Speaker 1: Problem with that, But do you see the double standard?
• 27:08
  Speaker 1: Always flip the question on the other person. Always get
• 27:11
  Speaker 1: them to basically comment on what it is that you
• 27:15
  Speaker 1: were saying, so you can see do you or do
• 27:17
  Speaker 1: you not agree with that you having a problem with
• 27:20
  Speaker 1: him coming over once you moving your boyfriend in.
• 27:23
  Speaker 2: Okay.
• 27:23
  Speaker 1: Secondly, you are accusing me of being all over your boyfriend, Like,
• 27:27
  Speaker 1: stop flattering yourself so much. I actually am in love
• 27:29
  Speaker 1: with somebody else. I'm not interested. No offense to either
• 27:32
  Speaker 1: of you.
• 27:33
  Speaker 2: Lovely guy. But calm down.
• 27:37
  Speaker 1: You've accused me of flirting with him, which now makes
• 27:40
  Speaker 1: the dynamic uncomfortable because now I'm second guessing how I
• 27:44
  Speaker 1: behave around him, which is ridiculous because the only reason
• 27:47
  Speaker 1: I'm second guessing is because my normal behavior, according to you,
• 27:51
  Speaker 1: comes across as inappropriate. I was having a conversation. Do
• 27:54
  Speaker 1: you not want your housemates to get along with your partner?
• 27:56
  Speaker 2: Yes?
• 27:56
  Speaker 1: Or no?
• 27:57
  Speaker 2: Again, flip the question yes or no? Do you want
• 27:59
  Speaker 2: that or not?
• 28:00
  Speaker 1: Cause the answer is no, then we can start looking
• 28:02
  Speaker 1: at future options for where we're going to live, because
• 28:04
  Speaker 1: I'm also not going to be walking on eggshells in
• 28:06
  Speaker 1: my own home, especially if he moves in. And then
• 28:08
  Speaker 1: the next thing you're going to say is, you know,
• 28:11
  Speaker 1: how is this going to look moving forward when he
• 28:13
  Speaker 1: does move in?
• 28:14
  Speaker 2: What do you want the dynamic to be?
• 28:16
  Speaker 1: Like? Do you want us to maintain a friendship? Do
• 28:19
  Speaker 1: you want me to be friends with your partner? Do
• 28:20
  Speaker 1: you want me to ignore him and disrespect him? You know,
• 28:24
  Speaker 1: because you, for whatever reason, misinterpreted how I was interacting
• 28:30
  Speaker 1: with your partner, And one thing is to misinterpret it
• 28:32
  Speaker 1: and be like, wow, I was overreacting. It's all good,
• 28:34
  Speaker 1: and I can happily move past that. But if you
• 28:36
  Speaker 1: still are going to lay on your sword and say
• 28:39
  Speaker 1: that I was being inappropriate, then we're going to have
• 28:41
  Speaker 1: major problems moving forward. So I need to know if
• 28:44
  Speaker 1: you genuinely think that maybe he misinterpreted that interaction and
• 28:48
  Speaker 1: we can move forward as friends, or if you genuinely
• 28:51
  Speaker 1: feel uncomfortable with your partner basically being around any females
• 28:55
  Speaker 1: in this house other than you. Because if that's the case, Sayanara, motherfucker,
• 28:59
  Speaker 1: I'm okay, this is not a dynamic that I'm going
• 29:02
  Speaker 1: to live in. That's how I would do it, because
• 29:05
  Speaker 1: I know it sucks, But you cannot live in that
• 29:09
  Speaker 1: home if you can't ever be in the same room
• 29:13
  Speaker 1: with this guy without thinking, fuck, she's going to think
• 29:14
  Speaker 1: I'm being in a front like that's outrageous. She's got
• 29:17
  Speaker 1: deep insecurity issues, and it's she's it's lashing out left,
• 29:20
  Speaker 1: right and center. Lashed out when you had a boyfriend,
• 29:22
  Speaker 1: when you had a boyfriend and she didn't. It lashed
• 29:24
  Speaker 1: out when you both have boyfriends, and she's now comparing
• 29:26
  Speaker 1: because she feels that she's pitting herself against you all
• 29:28
  Speaker 1: the time. Whether her boyfriend's a catch or not, it
• 29:30
  Speaker 1: doesn't matter. She feels like she's competing. She's lashed out
• 29:32
  Speaker 1: when her boyfriend's given you attention, even just as a friend.
• 29:35
  Speaker 1: She's insecure about the fact that you've had a relationship
• 29:38
  Speaker 1: a friendship with him before she met him. She's got
• 29:40
  Speaker 1: all these problems that are doing her head in when
• 29:42
  Speaker 1: in reality it's a non event. She this is the
• 29:44
  Speaker 1: definition of causing yourself suffering, and she's doing that to herself.
• 29:48
  Speaker 1: So you either go along for the ride and also suffer,
• 29:51
  Speaker 1: or you put.
• 29:51
  Speaker 2: A stop to it.
• 29:53
  Speaker 1: And the only way to put a stop to it
• 29:54
  Speaker 1: is by addressing it, calling a meeting and saying everything
• 29:57
  Speaker 1: I just said, that's what I would do with my friends.
• 29:59
  Speaker 2: It'd be I wouldn't enjoy it. I would be dreading
• 30:02
  Speaker 2: the moment, but.
• 30:02
  Speaker 1: I would have to do it, okay, And if she
• 30:05
  Speaker 1: doesn't want to come to the meeting, do it in writing.
• 30:07
  Speaker 2: She has to. The message has to be received.
• 30:09
  Speaker 1: It has to be received, and how she responds to
• 30:14
  Speaker 1: that will then determine the outcome. If she has a
• 30:17
  Speaker 1: meltdown and she's like, no, I've I got just say
• 30:19
  Speaker 1: out of respect for the friendship, we probably need to
• 30:21
  Speaker 1: start looking at alternative arrangements with how we're living. There
• 30:24
  Speaker 1: should be See, the thing is that you could also
• 30:26
  Speaker 1: vote that he not move in, but then that just
• 30:28
  Speaker 1: is going to cause more issues with the friendship. You
• 30:30
  Speaker 1: also want to like where you live, so I would
• 30:33
  Speaker 1: address this, get to the bottom of it, and do
• 30:35
  Speaker 1: it in a way that's as warm and welcoming as possible.
• 30:38
  Speaker 1: So it allows her the opportunity to say, you know what,
• 30:40
  Speaker 1: I did misinterpret that interaction that you had with him.
• 30:42
  Speaker 1: I shouldn't have done that. In hindsight, I've overreacted.
• 30:46
  Speaker 2: I trust you.
• 30:47
  Speaker 1: You give her that opportunity to rephrase herself. Okay, hopefully
• 30:53
  Speaker 1: that helps.
• 30:54
  Speaker 2: Good times.
• 30:55
  Speaker 1: Good times. Fuck, it's complicated friendships and housemates.
• 30:59
  Speaker 2: It's very complicated.
• 31:01
  Speaker 1: Next question, Hi, Alexis I hope you're well. I just
• 31:05
  Speaker 1: want to start by saying I absolutely love the podcast.
• 31:07
  Speaker 1: I've been listening for years now and it has absolutely
• 31:09
  Speaker 1: changed my life. Thank you, Thank you. I particularly wanted
• 31:12
  Speaker 1: to ask some advice around the idea of being single
• 31:14
  Speaker 1: while people around you continue to get into very intimate relationships.
• 31:18
  Speaker 1: I know you've touched on the idea here and there,
• 31:20
  Speaker 1: but I guess what I'm feeling is more specific. I
• 31:23
  Speaker 1: am someone that's built myself to be very independent and
• 31:25
  Speaker 1: not rely on relationships.
• 31:27
  Speaker 2: I've been single and happy for about six years now.
• 31:29
  Speaker 1: I go on occasional dates with people, but I guess
• 31:31
  Speaker 1: I just haven't found someone that I really want as
• 31:33
  Speaker 1: an addition to my life yet, and I am okay
• 31:36
  Speaker 1: with that. My life consists of so many things at
• 31:38
  Speaker 1: the moment, which I honestly enjoy, and it never leaves
• 31:41
  Speaker 1: me to be wishing I had someone. What bothers me, however,
• 31:44
  Speaker 1: is the fact that I feel like I am constantly
• 31:46
  Speaker 1: losing my friends to relationships, and it's very frustrating. Don't
• 31:50
  Speaker 1: get me wrong, I am happy for them and completely
• 31:52
  Speaker 1: understand that dating is so much more intimate in all ways.
• 31:55
  Speaker 1: The issue is that I feel that most people just
• 31:57
  Speaker 1: don't know how to balance relationships thee It's so fucking true,
• 32:01
  Speaker 1: You're speaking the fucking truth. For example, one of my
• 32:04
  Speaker 1: closest friends started dating someone recently and our minimum weekly
• 32:07
  Speaker 1: calls have gone down to barely Ever, her and I
• 32:10
  Speaker 1: tried to plan, tried to plan so many trips and
• 32:13
  Speaker 1: things together in the past which would never work out.
• 32:15
  Speaker 1: Sometimes on my behalf as well. But within this month
• 32:18
  Speaker 1: of dating him, she sees him often, calls him every day,
• 32:21
  Speaker 1: and even when on a road trip with him. While
• 32:23
  Speaker 1: I do plan to have this conversation with her, it
• 32:25
  Speaker 1: still makes me feel like a low priority if she
• 32:28
  Speaker 1: then makes a greater effort, like it's forced for the
• 32:31
  Speaker 1: sake of creating the balance.
• 32:33
  Speaker 2: And it's not just her.
• 32:34
  Speaker 1: My greatest of friends get like this once they start dating,
• 32:38
  Speaker 1: which most of them currently are. I've been waiting to
• 32:40
  Speaker 1: make plans for New Years, but it's at the point
• 32:42
  Speaker 1: where I don't even think I can ask anyone because
• 32:44
  Speaker 1: I already know that they'll all want to have plans
• 32:46
  Speaker 1: with their boyfriends. Mind you, I'm twenty two and we're
• 32:49
  Speaker 1: all within two years of an age gap and studying.
• 32:51
  Speaker 1: None of us are planning to start families right now.
• 32:54
  Speaker 1: While I love spending time with myself and doing things
• 32:55
  Speaker 1: on my own, there are so many things, especially at
• 32:58
  Speaker 1: this stage of my life, where I want to be
• 32:59
  Speaker 1: with my girlfriends without having to feel like a side
• 33:02
  Speaker 1: character in everyone's life. As their dating life takes such
• 33:06
  Speaker 1: a significant priority. It makes me wonder if I'm the
• 33:09
  Speaker 1: one being needy or demanding, because I quite literally cannot
• 33:12
  Speaker 1: find anyone that isn't like this. How would you suggest
• 33:15
  Speaker 1: going about this situation, especially considering that I live in
• 33:18
  Speaker 1: a relatively small country town for the time being, and
• 33:21
  Speaker 1: it's already been a rough ride finding good, genuine friends.
• 33:24
  Speaker 1: Thank you in advance, Great question, Great question. Okay, the
• 33:29
  Speaker 1: first thing that I would say is, when your friend
• 33:32
  Speaker 1: enters a relationship, for your sake and for your friend's sake,
• 33:36
  Speaker 1: I give a grace period of like you're going to
• 33:39
  Speaker 1: be a shitcunt for a little bit. Maybe not all friends,
• 33:41
  Speaker 1: Like I've got some friends that it's like a seamless
• 33:43
  Speaker 1: transition where they've managed it well, but a lot of
• 33:46
  Speaker 1: people are going to struggle with the balance because you've
• 33:48
  Speaker 1: got to keep in mind. I mean, I don't need
• 33:49
  Speaker 1: to tell you you're understanding, but you got to keep in
• 33:51
  Speaker 1: mind that there's the excitement, there's the honeymoon period. There's like, no,
• 33:56
  Speaker 1: I'm in love, it's so excited. You've got to give
• 33:58
  Speaker 1: that time to wear off, not as in that they're
• 34:00
  Speaker 1: not as in love, but to get used to this
• 34:03
  Speaker 1: new addition in their life and these butterflies to settle
• 34:05
  Speaker 1: into like now I'm actually getting to know my partner,
• 34:07
  Speaker 1: we're diving deep into more of like a natural, normal
• 34:11
  Speaker 1: relationship and it's not just this adrenaline and butterflies. Okay,
• 34:14
  Speaker 1: so that's the first thing. I always give a bit
• 34:16
  Speaker 1: of a grace period. And the grace period like, how
• 34:19
  Speaker 1: do you determine the length of that? I think if
• 34:21
  Speaker 1: someone is if it's two months in and they're fully
• 34:25
  Speaker 1: like not paying attention, I would gently nudge them and say, hey, babe,
• 34:31
  Speaker 1: that you're in this relationship, but have you noticed that
• 34:34
  Speaker 1: I've tried to reach out a few times and you've
• 34:36
  Speaker 1: kind of been in this bubble, which I do love
• 34:37
  Speaker 1: for you, But it's been two months and you've just
• 34:40
  Speaker 1: completely dropped off the radar. Do you need more time
• 34:43
  Speaker 1: to just be with your partner or you know, do
• 34:46
  Speaker 1: you want to hang out more? Just kindly and in
• 34:50
  Speaker 1: an understanding way, hit them between the eyes and say
• 34:54
  Speaker 1: the truth, because sometimes, especially if done gently, they might
• 34:59
  Speaker 1: be able to be like, oh my god, babe, you're
• 35:01
  Speaker 1: so true. I've noticed it as well, like I'm funked
• 35:03
  Speaker 1: off such a dot, like I've completely switched off with
• 35:05
  Speaker 1: all my relationships I need to get back into. And
• 35:08
  Speaker 1: you give them this really nice fun lighthearted opportunity to
• 35:11
  Speaker 1: be like, let's catch up this weekend. I've been in
• 35:13
  Speaker 1: a you know, I've been in this like shell or
• 35:17
  Speaker 1: whatever you want to call it, but I really want
• 35:18
  Speaker 1: to emerge and see. If you go in all guns raising,
• 35:21
  Speaker 1: being like you haven't, the people put their walls up,
• 35:24
  Speaker 1: and then they're like, now she's angry at man. Now
• 35:25
  Speaker 1: the last thing I want to do is hang out
• 35:26
  Speaker 1: with her now. So I would always start with I
• 35:30
  Speaker 1: miss you. It's been two months. I know you're in
• 35:32
  Speaker 1: this bubble. I'm so excited for you, but i'd love
• 35:35
  Speaker 1: to see you. Have you noticed though, that like you've
• 35:36
  Speaker 1: completely dropped off. You haven't like called me or invited me,
• 35:39
  Speaker 1: and I just miss I miss having your time, And
• 35:44
  Speaker 1: you know, let's do something. Start warm, start understanding with
• 35:49
  Speaker 1: that understanding tone, and you're going to get people being like, wow,
• 35:52
  Speaker 1: I do miss the friendship. If you go in angry,
• 35:55
  Speaker 1: they're only going to focus on the anger. If you
• 35:57
  Speaker 1: go in reminding them of why you are friends, they're
• 36:01
  Speaker 1: going to be like, oh fuck, and they might snap
• 36:03
  Speaker 1: out of this trance being.
• 36:04
  Speaker 2: Like, oh I miss her. Yeah fuck, she's the best.
• 36:07
  Speaker 2: She's so understanding.
• 36:08
  Speaker 1: It's true you know, because we're all human at the
• 36:09
  Speaker 1: end of the day, and no one's good at balancing
• 36:12
  Speaker 1: shit at the best of times.
• 36:14
  Speaker 2: Now, the next issue here is after you've done that,
• 36:17
  Speaker 2: after the.
• 36:17
  Speaker 1: Grace period has occurred, then you have to kind of
• 36:20
  Speaker 1: look at it is a fact that dynamics of friendships
• 36:24
  Speaker 1: are going to change when major moments in their life happen.
• 36:29
  Speaker 1: One of them is getting into a relationship, the dynamic
• 36:31
  Speaker 1: will change, sometimes barely, sometimes a lot. And then another
• 36:36
  Speaker 1: one is of course having a family, but obviously you're
• 36:38
  Speaker 1: not at that stage yet. I for me personally, when
• 36:42
  Speaker 1: I entered my relationship, I did everything in my power
• 36:47
  Speaker 1: to really try my best to keep that balance. And
• 36:50
  Speaker 1: one thing that I did, and this is a huge
• 36:53
  Speaker 1: props to Live as well, because Live was single when
• 36:55
  Speaker 1: I got with Tyrone, is that because I also was
• 36:59
  Speaker 1: seeing Tyne now and instead of dividing it and a
• 37:02
  Speaker 1: lot of people are like, oh, I'm not gonna be
• 37:03
  Speaker 1: a third will whatever, what I did is that I
• 37:05
  Speaker 1: would want to invite Live. I would have one on
• 37:07
  Speaker 1: one time with Live.
• 37:08
  Speaker 2: That's very important. Still had a lot of one on
• 37:10
  Speaker 2: one time, but.
• 37:10
  Speaker 1: I'd also invite her to really get to know Tyrone right,
• 37:14
  Speaker 1: and it's not just like, oh yeah, it's my friend,
• 37:16
  Speaker 1: because a lot of the time, I hear a lot
• 37:17
  Speaker 1: of people be like, oh yeah, my friend's boyfriend, or
• 37:19
  Speaker 1: I'm a third will, I'm this, I'm that. But at
• 37:21
  Speaker 1: the end of the day, why you a third will?
• 37:25
  Speaker 1: Because this like, why can't you create a genuine And
• 37:28
  Speaker 1: sometimes you can't because they're just not your person if
• 37:30
  Speaker 1: that's okay, But can you try to create a genuine
• 37:34
  Speaker 1: connection with the partner?
• 37:37
  Speaker 2: Because I was like, I'm dedicated to.
• 37:41
  Speaker 1: Spending my one on one time with Live because I
• 37:43
  Speaker 1: really value it and I don't want to let that
• 37:46
  Speaker 1: slide away. But I also want Live to really create
• 37:48
  Speaker 1: a relationship with Tyrone.
• 37:50
  Speaker 2: And the two of them.
• 37:52
  Speaker 1: Love each other, get along so well, and can easily
• 37:56
  Speaker 1: hang out just the two of them without me being
• 37:58
  Speaker 1: there easily. Tyrone hang out with most of my I
• 38:01
  Speaker 1: reckon all of my friends, but as in like genuine friends,
• 38:04
  Speaker 1: Tyrone and Lucy hang out just the two of them, Like,
• 38:06
  Speaker 1: he has no issue because we've dedicated that time in
• 38:09
  Speaker 1: forging friendships. So now when friends hang out with Tyrone
• 38:12
  Speaker 1: and it's not oh I'm third wheeling, it's we are
• 38:15
  Speaker 1: a group of friends, okay, And I try and achieve
• 38:19
  Speaker 1: that with my friends partners as well. I love Live's partner,
• 38:22
  Speaker 1: I love Patricia, I love you know. It's a really
• 38:24
  Speaker 1: nice thing to be like. All right, I have to
• 38:27
  Speaker 1: adapt with the times or I'm just going to fall behind.
• 38:30
  Speaker 1: And part of adapting with the times is can I
• 38:32
  Speaker 1: I mean obviously they have to be willing to come
• 38:34
  Speaker 1: to the table as well, but can I also create
• 38:37
  Speaker 1: a bigger friendship group? More is more when it comes
• 38:39
  Speaker 1: to friends, Can I bring them in?
• 38:41
  Speaker 2: Can you know? More? Love more? You know? And if
• 38:44
  Speaker 2: you just don't click or.
• 38:45
  Speaker 1: You don't get along, then of course you need to
• 38:48
  Speaker 1: still be having that one on one time with your friends.
• 38:49
  Speaker 1: I mean regardless, but I think it's really important to
• 38:52
  Speaker 1: speak to your friends and say, listen, I know that
• 38:55
  Speaker 1: the dynamic has changed, and that is natural. However, I
• 38:59
  Speaker 1: really value on one on one and I don't want that
• 39:00
  Speaker 1: to slip away completely.
• 39:01
  Speaker 2: If you don't want to plan the New Year's thing,
• 39:03
  Speaker 2: do something.
• 39:04
  Speaker 1: Exciting that's completely different on New Years, do something that
• 39:07
  Speaker 1: surprises yourself.
• 39:08
  Speaker 2: That's for you.
• 39:08
  Speaker 1: And if they don't want to invite you to come
• 39:10
  Speaker 1: along for the ride, that is a okay, okay, because
• 39:12
  Speaker 1: you don't want to feel like you're then relying on
• 39:14
  Speaker 1: them for entertainment purposes. So go like a trip somewhere
• 39:18
  Speaker 1: I don't know, like do something like cool and where
• 39:20
  Speaker 1: you don't feel like you're going to be missing out.
• 39:22
  Speaker 1: But I think that number one, identify that it give
• 39:26
  Speaker 1: them the grace period. Number two after whatever you deemed
• 39:29
  Speaker 1: to be an appropriate grace period maybe one month, two months.
• 39:31
  Speaker 1: Number three, can you be friends with their partners? Are
• 39:34
  Speaker 1: they wanting to do group things together? Because if they are,
• 39:37
  Speaker 1: that's great. And number four see if they can agree
• 39:40
  Speaker 1: with you know, the changes that they've had in their
• 39:43
  Speaker 1: relationship and how that's like, you know, made them retreat
• 39:46
  Speaker 1: and pull away from the friendship because a lot of
• 39:47
  Speaker 1: the time people not always Sometimes people get into a
• 39:50
  Speaker 1: relationship and it's permanent and they've fucking dropped off the radar.
• 39:53
  Speaker 1: But a lot of the time people will snap out
• 39:56
  Speaker 1: of it and being like, oh my god, okay, sorry,
• 39:58
  Speaker 1: I was just like not balancing things.
• 40:00
  Speaker 2: Probably I don't want to like fall behind in the
• 40:01
  Speaker 2: friendship group.
• 40:02
  Speaker 1: I want to be present, be here, And they will
• 40:05
  Speaker 1: snap out of it and they will return not to
• 40:07
  Speaker 1: the capacity that it used to be.
• 40:08
  Speaker 2: You can't compare two single friends versus people in relationships.
• 40:11
  Speaker 2: You know, you've got to.
• 40:12
  Speaker 1: Spread your time out, but manage what you expect from
• 40:17
  Speaker 1: your friends now and you can still expect a lot,
• 40:19
  Speaker 1: but as far as time wise and availability, because you
• 40:21
  Speaker 1: are right, people are going to just be way more
• 40:25
  Speaker 1: willing to make plans with romantic partners than with friends.
• 40:27
  Speaker 1: I'm fortunately or unfortunately however you want to view it.
• 40:31
  Speaker 1: That's just where their priorities lie. And it's not a
• 40:32
  Speaker 1: stab at you. That's just where how most people are
• 40:34
  Speaker 1: going to feel.
• 40:35
  Speaker 2: Okay.
• 40:36
  Speaker 1: Hopefully that has helped with your mindset around this. I
• 40:39
  Speaker 1: know it's hard because you are you know, if you're
• 40:41
  Speaker 1: in a smaller town, it definitely makes it harder as
• 40:43
  Speaker 1: fun as finding your people. But if they are your people,
• 40:46
  Speaker 1: like you said, and if they are good friends.
• 40:48
  Speaker 2: Have I would I would give them the benefit of
• 40:52
  Speaker 2: the doubt.
• 40:52
  Speaker 1: I would give them some opportunities, but I would also
• 40:54
  Speaker 1: pull them up gently but firmly.
• 40:58
  Speaker 2: And in a very kind, playful way. But I would
• 41:00
  Speaker 2: be straight up, not beating around the bush. I would
• 41:03
  Speaker 2: pull them up on it.
• 41:04
  Speaker 1: Because if my friends pull me up on something in
• 41:06
  Speaker 1: a friendly way. I genuinely like it. I like it
• 41:09
  Speaker 1: because I'm like, yeah, fuck true, true, I haven't done that,
• 41:11
  Speaker 1: or I haven't been there, or I have missed out
• 41:12
  Speaker 1: on a few things. So I'm gonna change what I'm
• 41:15
  Speaker 1: doing or you know, go back to what I was
• 41:17
  Speaker 1: doing before.
• 41:18
  Speaker 2: Hopefully that helps.
• 41:19
  Speaker 1: Guys, thank you so much for writing in, for sending
• 41:22
  Speaker 1: your questions.
• 41:22
  Speaker 2: I love you all so much.
• 41:24
  Speaker 1: That is the head noise off today, And I think
• 41:26
  Speaker 1: in all of the scenarios, none of you were the drama, none.
• 41:29
  Speaker 2: Of you were the red flag. So tick tick tik
• 41:31
  Speaker 2: tik tik love that. As always remember be kind to yourself,
• 41:34
  Speaker 2: be kind to your broin, don't take shit from anyone,
• 41:36
  Speaker 2: and especially don't take shit from yourself.