Latest / The Eye Believe Podcast / My 15 years | Episode 7: Breaking the Stigma

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My 15 years | Episode 7: Breaking the Stigma · The Eye Believe Podcast

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hey everyone
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welcome back we are on episode 7 of Melody's 15 years
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we're going 15 years through her cancer journey
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from 15 years ago to present day
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welcome melody
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thank you so much happy to be here
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awesome so in this episode
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we're gonna talk about anxiety
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depression asking for help
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we touched on therapy a little bit last time
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but we're gonna kind of
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get into some of the more specifics this time
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when do you know you need to ask for help
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what kinds of help there are
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so in your cancer journey
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when was the first time you knew that you needed help
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more so than just your family and friends
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it took me a long time to know that I needed help
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and to admit that I needed help
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I was probably two years into the journey um
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because I I wasn't handling it well
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um had marital problems
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my diagnosis was spilling over into the marriage
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so we started off with marriage counseling
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and that didn't go anywhere
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because
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it wasn't addressing my underlying issues of dealing
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with my cancer
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and it wasn't really addressing his underlying issues
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of of my cancer and the potential loss of
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of my life so it was about two years in that we really
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I got a program going
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and I'm sure that was hard to admit
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that you needed help where did you start
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um like
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well it was really kind of difficult to
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to to do that
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I had had a lot of therapy in my past
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so I wasn't opposed to it
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I know it was helpful
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but I kind of had to get forced into it
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um the things were just falling apart
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and when you when your life starts falling apart
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you get this kind of helpless feeling
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and you know you know
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you need more you need some
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some help and you ask this person and that person
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and you get the same happy response oh
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well you've gone through so much
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you'll be okay just give it some time
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you'll be fine but I never was fine
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I always felt like there was just something not right
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and those were kind of my warning signs
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when I was very reactive um
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I was very emotional uh
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I was also
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not enjoying the things that I used to love to do
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so with all of that it made things more difficult for
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for me to go on with my daily life
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because everything was just sad
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I was just sad all the time
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nothing was was happy and
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I was bringing other people around me
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down with my sadness
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and I knew that that was time when I had to fix me
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and I think we've come a long way in how
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as a society we look at therapy
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nowadays everyone's like
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I go to therapy just because I'm perfectly fine
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but I just wanna you know
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be proactive and it's
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therapy is everywhere now
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but back then that wasn't the case right
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no that was not the case
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if you were in therapy
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there was something really wrong with you
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and you didn't talk about it much because
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people look down on you what do you mean
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why can't you handle this all on your own
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why can't you be strong enough
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and I don't think
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it has anything to do with being strong enough
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it means that you know
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you just need some help working stuff out
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because you
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I have the personality that I bottle things up
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I don't express when I'm upset
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I'm sad I'm angry
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and I bottle it up until I explode
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and the explosion is usually not good
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it usually is bad and
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it's not directed to the people
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it needs to be directed at
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so it then it becomes harmful to the
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to the relationships that you have
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but I I didn't talk about going to therapy
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I just did it and
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was quiet yeah
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yeah cause it's nobody's business but your own
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so how did you
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start the process of looking for a therapist
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did you know what kind you wanted
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there's so many kinds I mean that's
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that's I think
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a big mountain right there
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just where do you start to find someone
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well I think
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cause I started off with the marriage counseling
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which made me realize that's not what we needed um
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because that they're giving you homework on
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you know communication and all that
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but when you've got resentment built up and
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and you know there's all these other things
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that marriage counseling doesn't work
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you gotta fix what's underlying first
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so I um
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started with my health insurance
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because obviously I had to get one
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that was approved by my health insurance
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and they gave me a long list
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and I called around to see who was available
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and of course there weren't that many available
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most of them were booked or not taking new appointments
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so um
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I did find two and one was a man and one was a woman
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and I didn't much care for the guy not
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it didn't have anything to do with that
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he was a man it was just
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he was a little more abrupt and he was a little more
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let's figure this out you know
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how are you feeling today
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and and I was like
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I don't know how I'm feeling today
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how do I I don't know anything
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I can't tell you how I'm feeling today
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I'm anxious I'm sad
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I'm all these things you know
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it I
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it didn't really help so
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then I went to a woman
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who had a little bit different approach
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where she was looking more at personalities
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and how you deal with personalities and
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and how your personality handles trauma
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and that seemed to fit me better
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um she wasn't really a trauma therapist
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but she looked at um
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she assessed my personality
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and made me take a personality test
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kind of and found that I have a reactive personality
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and so when something goes wrong
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I react immediately
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before my brain has a chance to engage
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so I had to do a lot of work on that
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but that that was helpful because it
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it kind of helped steer me into what
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what was going on and then we could work on
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on how I was reacting
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and then we could work on the issues
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so it it wasn't a quick fix
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it took maybe nine months of searching
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and going through the motions
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and trying this one and trying that one
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till I really settled in with somebody that fit me
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I think that's such an important point to bring up
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because we've talked about that with doctors
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as well as therapists before
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you know get a second opinion
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shop around if you're not clicking
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don't feel guilty
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just because it's the first person you've tried
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and you have to stay there
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you can keep going and find and
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you know we also said recently in an episode
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there's different kinds of therapy
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you might do talk therapy
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and realize that's not for you
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you might want to try something more spiritual or more
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um I don't know
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there's a million kinds so
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I like that you're highlighting that
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you did change people try something else
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yeah you not
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you don't you don't always mesh with people anyway
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and you need it's like
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we talked last episode about meshing with your doctor
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you gotta mesh you know
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you gotta have
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you gotta find somebody that you enjoy going to see
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somewhat I mean
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it's never pleasant but at the same time
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if you have a good relationship with them
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it makes going less painful
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and then you're more apt to stick with it
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definitely and then when she understands you
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and I think the personality test is huge
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I think understanding yourself
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a lot of us don't understand ourselves
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I mean I think
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once you start doing those self exploration things
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and you start learning about yourself
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you go oh
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that's why I do that I had no idea
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I just thought I was like that
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and you realize no
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you're not like that usually there's a trigger
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and you can usually get to the bottom of why
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you get there so I do think it's fascinating
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what kind of tools did she give you to work with
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that maybe you could share
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um books
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a lot of books um
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I can't tell you
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all the names of the books now but
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and there's probably many better ones out there
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but um
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that she gave me some very small books to read that
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where I could understand more about my
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reactive personality
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she gave me books to read about personality disorders
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that my ex husband seemed to have had
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but was never formally diagnosed
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cause he didn't stick with therapy
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but it helped me to understand some of
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more of how to approach him
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because when you have two reactive type personalities
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it ends up with explosions
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and while we were both somewhat sympathetic people
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he was less sympathetic than I was
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and I was looking for sympathy
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I was looking for the um
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you know the
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the pat on the back it's gonna be okay
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uh my mother was alive at that time
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and she was also not that person
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she she was going through dementia
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so you know
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but but she was not that person
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she was never the person that was understanding
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she was the you know
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you can do this
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pull yourself up by your bootstraps and you're
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and just go on and you'll get through
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and when you're
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when you feel inside like you're kind of fading away
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that's not helpful it's
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it's kind of difficult
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when people don't understand that
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you feel inside that you're fading away
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and you you kind of have a loss of control
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or whatever the situation is
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everybody is a little different
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that was my thing
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I felt like I didn't have any control over anything
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I felt I was kind of slipping away and
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and everything was just falling apart
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um the other tools that she gave me
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that were really helpful
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was tools to understand my personality
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uh and it doesn't mean that I have a bad personality
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I just react some one way
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some people react very emotionally
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and they cry and they
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you know they get upset
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some people are very quiet
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they retreat some people get angry
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um I don't necessarily react angrily
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but I just react without thinking
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and sometimes my reactions come off as sharp um
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aggressive um
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but they don't ever come up well
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they rarely come across as emotional um
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because I'm not getting what I need
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and I'm trying to get what I need
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but I don't know I did not at the time know how to say
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look this is what I need
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because I really didn't know what I need
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so I she gave me homework
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where I had to talk about what I needed
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what was a perfect day what was a perfect answer
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and so those little homework sheets that she gave me
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that were quick and easy but they were helpful
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because it helped me
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look at what I really thought was a perfect day
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yeah and I think it helps you advocate for yourself
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and we talk about advocating all the time also
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and the same for your emotions
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and that is so hard I think that's
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for me one of the hardest things is to say how I feel
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what I need because I don't want to
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because I'm a retreat kind of person
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um if I'm not happy
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if I don't like something
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I just back away and walk and
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you know put myself in a bubble and take care of myself
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and I have a
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I have a very hard time with voicing things
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so I think that is a huge piece that
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I think a lot of people struggle with
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is just being able to say what they need
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without fear of you know
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being judged or ridiculed or um
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you know
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whatever else reaction they think they might get
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and I think it helps it helps you to know how to react
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you know um
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take a couple breaths before you say something
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um don't just
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don't just fly off the handle basically
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is it whether it's emotionally crying
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or angrily yelling or just having a
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a conversation
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when it's not the right time to have a conversation
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uh that
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that's also one of the things that I learned
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was it's okay to check out and come back
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because I thought from previous therapy I had had
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that you had to sit down at the table
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and you had to figure it out before you went to bed
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you had to do that never go to bed angry
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and sometimes that's just not practical
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sometimes you do need to step away
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calm yourself down reassess things
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and then go back and try to figure out what the
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what the answer is but both parties have to be calm and
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and in a good spot as if you're not
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it just it
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it just snowballs and
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I think there's a lot of tools that you can get
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to keep the snowball from growing and becoming huge
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and then next thing you know
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you're in an avalanche because it's just
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everything keeps going
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and one of the things that she said is
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is you have a sack on your back
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and every single thing you put into that sack
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on your back and you don't do anything
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you just keep putting stuff in this sack
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until the sack becomes so heavy you break
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so I had to learn not to put stuff in my sack
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and to deal with it at the moment
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because otherwise you you're
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you're you're not dealing with things
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that you should be dealing with
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but also when it becomes so heavy
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you don't even know where to start and
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and it's just too much
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and then it seems like you have a
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a mountain to climb instead of a little hill
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so if you deal with them when they're little hills
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it's better so I tried I
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I have tried to do that in my life
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to do little things um
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another thing that I was told that I
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I still use today
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is if you don't bring it up in seven days
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it doesn't matter
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um this
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I see a lot of people bringing stuff up
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that happened 10 15 years ago
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two months ago six months ago
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if you do not solve it in seven days
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you have to let it go
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because constantly going back and revisiting things
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is not helpful so give yourself that
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I really love that and I
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I use it a lot seven days
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it's been more than seven days
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I didn't address it let it go
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and you have to be okay with that to really let it go
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but harboring resentment and guilt and
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and that is not is not a good thing to have
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so try to resolve things quickly
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and then it doesn't become this big mountain
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I like the seven day approach
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I haven't heard that for two reasons
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one it forces you to speak up
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so like we just said you
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if you internalize it and you think about it
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and you think about it if
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you know okay
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tomorrow's day seven
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I have to talk about this today or I have to let it go
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it forces that conversation to happen
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which is probably a good thing
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and then also I like it
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because
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I think we've all had somebody bring something up
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or we've maybe done it about
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you know well
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five years ago you did this
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and I'm still mad at you for it
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and we can't ever live it down and move on
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and it's like I've apologized for that
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we've moved on from that
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why are you bringing it up again
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as an example of something
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and I think that is great to
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you know everybody is human
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we make mistakes we need a fresh start
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we don't need to have stuff brought up from
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you know 10 years ago
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that you said like
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exactly seven days let's start over
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so I think that's a great yeah
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way to to have a timeline for that
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and you know
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there's a there's a big difference
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um this is another thing that I learned
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there's a big difference between solving a problem
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and manipulation
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and a lot of people use it as manipulation
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and my ex did use a lot of it as manipulation
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and he went back very far
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well you know
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in 2010 you did this and you said that
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and now you're doing this and you're saying that
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and you haven't changed well
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no I haven't
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cause I'm still the same me
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but I that was then
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this is now it's not the same
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and so people will use things against you as tools
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to try to manipulate you
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to do what they want you to do
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and yet you know
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it's a pitfall you have to really be careful of those
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and if somebody brings something up to me
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that happened more than seven days ago
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that they want to solve it
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I try very hard to say it's over
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it's done it's it
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we let's not let it go
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because we can't go back there
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cause you you
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it's like a hamster wheel
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you just keep going around and around and around
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and you've got to at some point cut it off and be done
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yeah that makes sense
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all right let's talk about the stigma of therapy
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in the cancer community
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what do you feel like the stigma is
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and what do you feel like is being done
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or has been done to break it or could be done
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I think in a lot of cancers
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therapy isn't there isnt a stigma on therapy
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I think that they encourage it
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but those are the cancers
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the more popular cancers um
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the cancers where you have a lot of disfigurement um
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like breast cancer is one
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or some um
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skin cancers where they're taking off large things
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that you are now not don't look the same
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but I think people think that that's okay
16:47
to get therapy for you know
16:49
if a breast cancer loses a breast
16:51
it's okay for her to go get therapy for that
16:53
because it's a huge loss
16:56
um in our world
16:57
I don't think it
16:58
people realize that loss of vision is a real loss
17:02
loss of an eye is a huge loss
17:04
well you'll get a prosthetic and you'll be fine
17:06
oh well
17:06
you still have your eye you know
17:08
you look good it's not helpful to anybody
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so I think people think well
17:14
you look good why do you need therapy
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you're doing fine why do you need therapy
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and I think even doctors think that the um
17:22
I wish doctors would send patients newly diagnosed to a
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a therapist as well as a medical oncologist
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right when they're diagnosed
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because this is a big heavy cancer to live with
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and I'm a lucky one
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that my eye does not look any different
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except it's a little off center
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but it takes a lot for someone to notice
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that my eye is not on center
17:46
um but there are other people that have a lot of issues
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if they had an enucleation
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their prosthetic doesn't fit right
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um they
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therapy would be good
17:56
because when you look at yourself in the mirror
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and you don't look like the way you used to
17:59
it's hard um
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when your eye doesn't operate the way it used to
18:04
it's difficult
18:05
and so I think there is a stigma in our cancer
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because we look good we look fine
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what what's the matter
18:13
you know you're fine
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you don't have meds you're fine
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it's it's not that
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it's the it's the long term thing
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and I don't know if there's a person out there
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who can just put that away until they get the scans
18:25
it creeps in um
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it it creeps in every time you're gonna get a scan
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it creeps in when you are having a bad
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I call it a bad eye day when my eye is acting up
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and it's hard for me to concentrate and
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and I it's just irritating me all day long
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um people don't talk about those things
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and I think that's that's sad that that doesn't happen
18:47
um so I
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I wish that in our cancer
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more people would make it a normal thing
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not well
18:57
what do you mean well
18:58
I guess I could send you to somebody
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you know those are the
19:00
those are the comments that I hear in the community
19:02
that we should be fine oh
19:04
you're gonna be fine
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how do we know and how do you tell your brain that
19:10
how does your brain shut off
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oh we're gonna be fine brain quit
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definitely that's hard to grapple with
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when someone's telling you you're gonna be fine
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but you don't actually believe it uh huh
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so I think to get over this stigma is
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is just being honest with people and telling them
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I am not fine
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thank you for telling me I look good
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but that's not what it's about
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what it's about is that I'm worried about my future
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I'm worried about this I
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I can't do the things I used to do
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and I think if we all are honest
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then the stigmas will go away
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but a patient should never feel bad
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about going in for therapy
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because it's a natural thing
19:57
definitely I think that's such a great point
20:00
in your therapy journey did you ever hit a point
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where you felt like you had grown enough
20:05
that you wanted to try a different kind of therapy
20:08
or maybe stop all together
20:11
did you ever hit that point
20:12
I did I hit a point where I thought
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I couldn't go any farther in that
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because
20:17
there wasn't anything else for me to talk about
20:19
I was just kind of done talking about it
20:21
but when you get to a point when you
20:22
you're talked out I think is
20:24
is it you figure out
20:26
I don't have anything else to say
20:27
I feel good I feel stable again
20:30
I feel like I can go do this
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I don't feel like I need check ins
20:35
and with my therapy we started off
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you know once a week
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and then it went to every two weeks
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and then I went to once a month
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and I stayed at once a month for a while
20:46
uh and then I just felt like I've
20:49
I've had gotten all I could get out of that um
20:53
I didn't go back into any other kind of therapy
20:55
but other people I know have
20:58
they've done some other things um
21:00
they've done some therapy that involved
21:04
you know um
21:05
meditation and spiritual healing
21:07
and those sort of things
21:08
which are all perfectly valid next steps
21:14
um I did not do that
21:17
mainly because it wasn't available to me where I lived
21:20
it wasn't a thing so it was
21:23
it wasn't something I could just seek out
21:26
but the you know
21:28
spiritual counseling spiritual healing
21:31
it is something
21:32
some people went into more trauma therapy
21:34
where they were learning how to deal with traumas
21:36
not just ocular melanoma but past
21:39
so I think everybody is gonna evolve on their own time
21:44
and some people will just be able to know when to stop
21:47
and be done
21:47
and some people will stay in it for their lifetime
21:50
and whichever way that is
21:52
is perfectly okay it
21:54
there's no right or wrong answer here
21:56
but also if you feel like this therapy you're stuck in
22:00
maybe try some other things
22:02
you know try
22:04
uh some of some more
22:07
internal work you know
22:08
spiritual type work I'm not talking about prayer and
22:12
and religious learning
22:13
I'm talking about looking inside yourself heal
22:16
healing yourself spiritually
22:18
that's shadow work thank you for that
22:21
yeah so you know about that
22:24
yes heal that inner child guys
22:27
yeah I think it's great
22:29
it was not available to me where I live
22:31
it still
22:31
I still don't live in an area where I can find that
22:34
so I am I could do some stuff online
22:37
but I read some books a little bit
22:39
I was referred a book by Mel Robbins
22:43
Let Them that helped me a lot
22:45
that's probably the best therapy book I've ever had
22:47
was that one because I have a
22:49
I was raised in a um
22:52
Midwestern type family that
22:54
what will the neighbors think
22:56
well you can't talk about that
22:57
what will the neighbors think and
23:00
and I that was
23:02
that's a big a big thing of mine
23:04
it's a trigger oh
23:05
my god what does everybody think
23:06
what's people thinking about me
23:08
oh my gosh
23:08
I can't believe I just said that or did that
23:10
what are they thinking about me
23:11
and in reality
23:12
most people aren't even thinking about you and
23:15
and it was a really good book to
23:17
to read to
23:18
just to let them let them go on
23:19
do what they say
23:21
and my ex husband used to tell me all the time
23:24
it's none of your business what people think of you
23:27
well yes
23:27
it is this is my reputation
23:29
what will the neighbors think
23:31
so I had to retrain my brain to
23:32
who cares what the neighbors think
23:34
but it was that was hard
23:35
and I didn't do that in therapy
23:37
I did that on my after words
23:39
because I didn't know it was an issue
23:42
and then I realized this is a big issue
23:45
yeah that is a hard one
23:47
I actually did take a workshop where um
23:50
it was called The Game of Life
23:51
and basically
23:54
the point of it is you stay on your own game board
23:56
we all have a game board
23:57
we all have obstacles and objectives
24:00
and things that we are doing
24:02
and you stay on your board
24:04
and you don't you don't go play on someone else's board
24:06
you stay on your board and there are times that um
24:11
somebody else will be kind of stressing me out and um
24:15
for whatever reason uh
24:17
I think
24:17
I feel like I need to help people more than I do
24:20
and so when somebody's spiraling
24:22
I'm like I take on that stress of oh
24:24
I have to help them and then I have to remind myself
24:27
no I don't
24:29
like I'm on my board
24:30
if they want to figure it out
24:31
if they want something they
24:33
they can find it but I need to stay on my board and
24:37
and it always calms me down
24:38
because every time I get overwhelmed
24:40
and I put myself back on my board and I say oh
24:42
all I have to worry about is me
24:44
then all of a sudden
24:46
my load goes away and it's so much lighter
24:49
and I'm like oh
24:49
I just have to worry about myself
24:50
ah what a
24:51
what a novel concept I know right
24:53
but I think as women and
24:54
I mean here we're also gonna have men and women are
24:58
are gonna differ in this women tend to be caretakers
25:01
nurturers fixers
25:02
I'm a huge fixer I still wanna fix everything
25:05
I wanna fix everybody I wanna adopt every stray animal
25:08
actually men are big fixers too though
25:10
so I I think men will relate to that too
25:12
they don't wanna listen they wanna fix
25:15
right men yeah exactly
25:18
they wanna fix in their way
25:19
um and they don't like loss of control and
25:22
you know there's all these other things that differ
25:25
but I think women
25:26
we tend to get in other people's business
25:28
a little too much'cause we wanna help
25:30
and we think we're helping
25:31
and we are not helping
25:33
that's very true cause it's not helpful
25:36
and that you know
25:37
especially when the help you're offering is
25:39
pull yourself up by your bootstraps
25:41
and put on a happy face it's gonna be fine
25:43
and then they're like that's not helpful at all
25:45
please leave me alone yes yes
25:47
what do you mean you're struggling
25:48
you look good your eye looks good
25:51
yeah well
25:52
try living with this eye you know it
25:54
it might look good but
25:56
you know and it's funny because I have
25:59
I have um
26:00
hooded eyes it's a
26:02
it's a genetic trait in my family
26:04
and my ocular melanoma eye
26:07
looks better than my non ocular melanoma eye
26:10
so everybody always thinks my good eye is my OM eye
26:13
cause my my lid is drooping more on my good eye
26:17
and um
26:18
I was talking to some ocular plastics doctor
26:21
and
26:21
they were marveling at my eye being put back together
26:24
well and what a good job they did
26:27
and I'm thinking but it's off center
26:29
and they're like oh
26:30
but it's good for what other what
26:32
I've seen other doctors I've seen them
26:33
I mean they're pointing this way
26:35
they gotta go back in and redo surgeries
26:37
and I do know some of our
26:38
our patients have had to go in and have another surgery
26:41
but I think sometimes also
26:43
we get so caught up in what we don't have
26:45
and what our own insecurities of how we look
26:48
that other people don't see it
26:51
and so even though people are saying
26:54
oh but you look so good
26:55
sometimes I think we don't believe it
26:57
we need to start doing that as well
26:59
so that's kind of a double edge sword
27:02
we are overly critical of ourselves
27:03
which then tends to give us more insecurities
27:06
which gives us more anxiety
27:08
which makes
27:08
dealing with situations a little bit differently
27:10
so when somebody comes up to you and says
27:13
but your eye looks so good
27:15
you know you just say thank you
27:17
and don't hold a resentment against them
27:20
they don't understand
27:21
and you don't need to educate every single person
27:24
that's a big pitfall I
27:25
I hear people talk about well
27:28
I just told them that that is not what the problem is
27:32
and then what happens is people were like whoa
27:36
I didn't ask for that
27:37
I was just trying to give you a compliment
27:38
so um
27:40
if somebody offers you something
27:42
take it if they offer you a compliment
27:43
take it don't psychoanalyze it
27:45
don't read more into it don't let it trip up
27:48
trip up your day you just say thank you and go on
27:52
cause they're not gonna ever understand
27:54
yes and just like you said before
27:56
when you feel like people are judging you
27:58
and looking at you they're not
28:00
they're so worried about themselves
28:01
and everyone who's looking at them
28:03
and no one's looking at them either
28:04
and I think if we can all realize nobody cares
28:08
I mean look around the room
28:09
next time you're in a room and think like
28:11
do you care what anyone's wearing
28:12
do you think anybody is like
28:14
oh my god
28:14
their hair is just a mess today
28:16
like no
28:17
you see you just see people around you
28:19
and you probably see beautiful people around you
28:23
and when they look at you
28:24
that's what they see but when you look at yourself
28:26
it's oh
28:26
I need to whiten my teeth
28:27
I have flyaways I need
28:29
you know my wrinkles are showing
28:30
nobody sees it but you so yeah
28:32
try to let those things go
28:34
I think that is really hard
28:35
but really important
28:37
it is and
28:38
you know I
28:38
I I
28:39
I use this expression a lot to give them Grace
28:43
please give me Grace and I will give you Grace
28:46
because I'm gonna do and say things
28:48
that I probably shouldn't do and say often
28:51
give me Grace because I don't ever mean it maliciously
28:53
or I know sometimes my brain gets ahead of
28:56
or my mouth gets ahead of my brain
28:58
and I don't always think things through um
29:01
or I'll stop in the middle of a thought
29:02
because something catches my eye
29:04
and then that thought dangles
29:05
and it's not anything what I meant
29:06
you know um
29:08
what happened
29:08
to us this weekend with the whole pancake thing I
29:11
I wasn't I
29:12
I said I didn't eat as much as you guys
29:14
and then I paused
29:16
I didn't mean that it was a competition
29:18
I didn't mean that I was better
29:21
I meant then when I got undistracted as like
29:25
oh no
29:25
that's not what I meant what I meant was
29:26
I'm afraid to eat this pancake that is so good
29:29
because I don't want to be in a carb coma
29:31
and have to drive six hours home
29:33
but you know
29:35
there's times when things can be misinterpreted
29:38
and you have to give yourself Grace
29:39
and you have to ask other people to give you Grace
29:41
cause sometimes you're just ridiculous
29:43
and you realize it that you're just being ridiculous
29:45
and
29:46
and I think that that has to do with self growth and
29:49
and doing therapy
29:50
is to know when you are just being ridiculous
29:52
and to be and to check yourself
29:54
cause it's not always the other person
29:56
sometimes it's you maybe you're too sensitive
29:58
maybe you are overreacting
30:00
and
30:01
I think that therapy helps you recognize those parts
30:04
to where you can just be like
30:07
oops sorry
30:09
yeah and I was only teasing you about the pancake
30:12
I know but it wasn't good fun
30:15
it wasn't I didn't
30:17
but it was just a good example of sometimes how
30:20
how you you think you're coming across
30:23
isn't really how other people are seeing you
30:25
but you have to give yourself Grace when you do that
30:27
and that was the only example I can come up with but
30:31
but no that's
30:32
that's very true I actually
30:34
I'll give a little example
30:35
that just happened to me yesterday
30:37
I was in a group message and I wasn't responding
30:40
because it was like directives were giving
30:43
were given out in this group message hey
30:45
do this post this
30:46
do this and so okay done
30:49
all of it done
30:50
and the organizer of it said
30:52
I am frustrated because you guys are not answering
30:55
and I feel like I'm just talking into a void
30:57
and I said I'm really sorry
30:59
I didn't want to ping the entire group with okay
31:03
when I could just go do it
31:04
I thought it was more
31:05
you were just telling us what you needed
31:08
so thank you for telling us what you needed
31:09
that you need a response because I did not respond
31:12
because I didn't want to annoy everyone
31:14
on this group text and she's sitting here going
31:16
why are none of you responding
31:17
you guys are so rude and it was a complete
31:20
we were all just trying not to be rude
31:24
but you know
31:24
and that is one thing
31:26
written word gets misconstrued so easily
31:31
so easily um
31:32
but that's part of the
31:34
knowing you and knowing yourself
31:36
and being able to give yourself Grace
31:37
oop messed up sorry
31:38
and also communication um
31:40
I think we really didn't talk about this
31:43
with therapy
31:43
but that's one of the things I Learned about myself
31:48
was how to communicate better
31:50
how to express my needs
31:51
because I was not raised to do that
31:54
I was raised you don't have needs
31:56
you are here to serve the needs of everyone else
31:58
not your own that's selfish
32:00
you know and
32:01
and it's not selfish you have to
32:04
and I used to say this to everybody
32:07
you cannot help somebody else if your cup is empty
32:11
you can have nothing left to pour into theirs
32:13
so you need to take care of yourself
32:15
but I was the worst person at taking that advice
32:17
I would take care of everybody else
32:19
and not take care of myself
32:22
yep it can be hard to do if you're not used to it
32:24
and I think also if you have people that live with you
32:29
whether it's children or a spouse or um
32:32
you know older parents that live with you
32:33
it can be really difficult
32:35
because you feel like you have to
32:38
put your focus somewhere else first
32:41
you know
32:41
and this is for another episode way down the line
32:45
but I'll just touch on a little bit
32:46
especially for those caregivers out there
32:48
you can't be a good caregiver if your cup is not full
32:52
I was a caregiver to my mother
32:53
while I was going through um
32:55
not just ocular melanoma
32:57
but also another big medical thing
33:00
and it was very hard for to be a good caregiver to her
33:02
when I couldn't be a good caregiver to myself
33:05
um and
33:06
and I think it's okay for both caregivers
33:10
and for the patients to ask for breaks
33:13
you know it
33:14
caregivers get sick of hearing us
33:17
and I think that
33:18
that therapy gives you an outlet to talk about it
33:21
so that you're not talking about it
33:22
to all your friends and your family
33:24
that's a good point
33:26
all right everyone
33:27
we're gonna wrap up there
33:28
and we will see you all on the next episode